Ask Me Help Desk - Partner visiting massage parlors

It is still so hard when I love him so much. We spoke on the phone today and he said he still loves me and wants to be with me but that I have no right to mistrust him and his lies to me. He told me that that's the reason he wanted to break up because I don't trust him. I asked him how could he expect the trust not to be damaged and he called me a "dumb ****" if I didn't know the answer to that. He has never, ever called me names before. I am so hurt still and even though the counselling is helping I still love him so much. Why does someone try and turn something around onto others. I did nothing wrong.

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Originally Posted by goldnugget

it is still so hard when i love him so much. we spoke on the phone today and he said he still loves me and wants to be with me but that i have no right to mistrust him and his lies to me. he told me that that's the reason he wanted to break up because i don't trust him. i asked him how could he expect the trust not to be damaged and he called me a "dumb ****" if i didn't know the answer to that. he has never, ever called me names before. i am so hurt still and even though the counselling is helping i still love him so much. why does someone try and turn something around onto others. i did nothing wrong.

Yes. You love him and it hurts. You were betrayed by a person you loved. We can all tell you to run away from him, but we all know it's a lot harder than that. Emotionally, there are a lot of ties left to be severed. Hurts like hell to do something you never, ever wanted to do... to leave him.

But he left you first. He risked your life for his addiction. And now he's still shifting the blame onto you. He is still hurting you. Its all the power he has left here. Maybe if he gets you to suffer enough you'll break down and come back. He is accepting no responsibility, even if he has said he does.

To continue to blame you for this breakup is gutless. Is that what he's going to tell his friends and family? That you broke the marriage by snooping and not trusting him?

I know you are hurting like hell, but this guy is doing you no favors and is not interested in helping you. He's interested in himself. And if he's going down, maybe he can take you down mentally too. Again, gutless.

And now he's calling you names. He's desperate and has no defense.

So a top executive at a company steals money by funneling it through fake expense reports, phantom projects. An auditor running the books sees some strange behavior, finds out and turns him in. who is to blame? We all know the answer.

I believe a partner has a right to some privacy. Your partner abused that right and now you are suffering emotionally and you have been exposed to at least one virus which may, or may not, have terrible implications on your health.

He wants to tell you that he's lost his love for you because you discovered the truth? Well, tell him that your love for him waivered when you found out that you were exposed to a virus that increases your chances of cervical cancer and genital warts. Ask him whose behavior first severed the vows of the marriage? Where exactly, in the vows, was there a prostitute clause?

On second thought, those are all rational questions. Such an irrational person will not have a clue to their meanings.

I just don't think there is going to be any happy ending here other than you will no longer be subject to lies and dangerous sexual behaviours.

He lied. He strayed. He took your health into his own hands. He is the one trying to hurt you still to keep control.

I think less contact is better. He's doing nothing to help you and he's not acting in your best interests. And while you are at it, you might need to start writing these things down. Keep a journal of the events, what you know, what he's said... it might help you keep organized about things.

Sorry so long here. I'm so furious that someone would treat another person this way and continue to manipulate through emotional distress. Only God could help him if you were my sister.

Like Skell I hope you stay on course for yourself. Goldnugget don't let this selfish loser off the hook. Let him wallow in his own self-pity, while you continue to get stronger and healtier.

He tells me that I am being the irrational one because I don't trust him anymore. Why do people choose to hurt others like this? Why can't people just be happy being happy? I don't understand any of it and it doesn't make sense to me. We really were happy... I wasn't looking through rose colored glasses and prior to me finding out about the prostitutes, he told me that he couldn't wait to have a family with me etc, etc. maybe I was too good to him.

Well, I haven't answered this post before - but sounds like a HUGE deal breaker.

I wouldn't want my partner to go for happy endings. Yuck! Run!

He is being very very selfish if you tell me.
He is seeking "happy endings" elsewhere, low life ba*tard.
Im sorry.

Well I have been away from him now for over two weeks and it is getting easier. He still calls me but I don't answer. Being surrounded by my friends and family helps but I do still love him. I now know 100% though that I could never be with him anymore. He told me today that he won't contact me again and I believe him. I guess he will move on and do the same to his next partner. I also did something horrible today and I'm not sure why I did it and I don't even know if I did the right thing... I called his sister and told her what has happened. I also called the police to report the prostitutes that he has been seeing. I know they can't do anything but I feel better for it. Does anyone think that was a horrid thing to do?

Well, when my wife was stalked by an ex boyfriend she called his family (sister and mother) to let them know what was going on. At least they had some perspective, even if they didn't completely understand or agree.

I don't know. You had a relationship with them too. And if the truth is so bad that it should be hidden, maybe it really shouldn't be hidden. His family might need to guide him now. I don't know. I was a little uncomfortable when I read that... but again... the truth is the truth.

I think if you are doing something that you need to hide from your spouse, family, and friends, then its PROBABLY a bad thing to do (ya think?) and maybe they do need to know about it.

Thanks kp. A part of me wanted to do it to make sure that someone was looking out for him because he has suffered depression in the past. I don't think I really did it for that reason though. I just wanted someone to know. I guess I was just being selfish but she responded very well to it and made me feel OK. I don't think she was too surprised from what she said. She said she would look out for him. A big part of me still worries about him. I think I am letting go now though.

I would caution you against any negative expressions of anger as the need to justify them will blind you to the healing power that taking positive actions for yourself can bring. I understand anger, and it is important to know how to deal with it.

You did what you did probably for a mixture of reasons, it cannot be changed, so let it go. You would not want to go back to that. You are on a good and healthy path. Addicts stay addicts because they blame everyone else for whatever goes wrong in their life. When they finally look at themselves and see what they have done and take responsibility for their actions, they can start to get better. Until that time they will blame you, their parents, neighbors and the weather.

Thanks again for the responses. His sister actually called me today and is very supportive of me. She said that he has cheated on all of his previous partners and that he still wants to try and work it out with me. Sometimes I just wish he was a bad guy because it would make it so much easier to get over him. Does anyone think that a relationship can survive this sort of thing if the person doing the betrayal won't admit it to their partner? My counsellor (who is also his counsellor) is suggesting that I can maybe start from a clean slate with him. I could possibly do that he if was honest about what he has done but she thinks that this whole blow up might stop him from doing it again in the future. I am of the opinion that if I go back to him and he hasn't owned what he has done... that he might be 'good' for a while but fall back into again anyway?

Stop calling him a good guy and open your eyes. He is in the middle of drowning in his own ***t, so protect yourself.

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I am of the opinion that if I go back to him and he hasn't owned what he has done... that he might be 'good' for a while but fall back into again anyway

Don't forget your own words and I trust your instincts exactly.

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Originally Posted by goldnugget

she said that he has cheated on all of his previous partners and that he still wants to try and work it out with me. sometimes i just wish he was a bad guy cos it would make it so much easier to get over him. does anyone think that a relationship can survive this sort of thing if the person doing the betrayal won't admit it to their partner? my counsellor (who is also his counsellor) is suggesting that i can maybe start from a clean slate with him. i could possibly do that he if was honest about what he has done but she thinks that this whole blow up might stop him from doing it again in the future. i am of the opinion that if i go back to him and he hasn't owned what he has done...that he might be 'good' for a while but fall back into again anyway?

Listen to yourself... STOP making excuses for him dear... he is not worthed.
You also got confirmation from his sister that he has cheated on previous partners and is NOW cheating on you.. what more confirmation do you need to wake up.. If you try work things out from the start, start with a clean slate... seriously, how long do you think it will be till he cheats on you again!

Once a cheater always a cheater :eek: :cool:

He did not want you enough to be faithful.

What he wants, I'm afraid is happiness for HIMSELF. He doesn't like that you are gone. He misses you. But I don't think that really he is particularly interested in your happiness. Again, he has a history of treated those who loved him with absolute disrespect.

Its easy to say you are sorry and that you want another chance when you have lost everything. That is not a sign of stregnth of commitment.

I know you are hurting, and in your heart you never wanted to be in this place. Well, he has betrayed many others apparently. He is a cheater. Period. We can go round and round trying to spin some positive feel good vibes.

Its completely up to you if you want to try again. Nobody else here gets to do that for you. But if (and more likely when) he hurts you again, you really cannot complain.

There are times when people choose to be a victim. You know what you are dealing with.

Don't go near him again. And id find a new counsellor too. You can never trust him again. At least I don't understand how you could.
Especially if his siter told you he cheats on all his partners. Common theme here. Stay away.
But as I said maybe a new consellor, one that he doesn't see might have different advice for you in respect to that matter.

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Originally Posted by goldnugget

i have just found out that my parter has been visiting massage parlors for masturbation. this has totally shattered me as i never thought for one second that he was capable of this sort of behaviour. when i confronted him he denied it but i have the proof. he has confessed to me that up until a couple of years ago he had an addiction to these 'massages' for which he saw a therapist but swears that he is not doing it again. i have the proof that he has, including records of his phone calls to these girls. i consider what he is doing to be cheating even though he is not having actual sexual intercourse with them. i am a mess and don't know what to do. he made me believe that he had the same ideals about sharing your body with others as i do. i really don't have anyone to talk to and i feel dirty and also afraid that i have a disease. has anyone been through a similar experience. i don't know whether to leave or not. our relationship was great and he says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. i love him so much and i am devastated. i feel like my life has been taken from me. he said he will go to councelling but that i'm not allowed to raise the fact that he had a past addiction to these girls. he has told me that it's my problem that i don't trust him.

My husband who is a sex addict was like this. Always blaming me for his problem or saying I was upset about nothing. This means that they think they can do anything and get away with it because it will be blamed on you. The addiction grew and became more and more disgusting and finally he demnaded that I find a man on the internet, have sex with him and call him in Turkey to let him listen in on it. This of course did not happen and I suspect he did it to always be able to blame me for cheating first whenever he felt like cheating. These men are sick. Leave him, in fact run and don't look back.

Why would a counselor say that? Did he pick this counselor? I can not imagine a counselor saying to try it again if he does not own up to it. Did she give you any indication why she would think that? If it is his pattern, it will be very hard for him to change. Without admitting it, I do not know how he can change. Only you know what you can deal with and if you can go through this again if he does it again. Remember next time you may get a sexually transmitted disease, is it worth it. Give yourself time. Do not dwell on the good times, remember your hurt.

Hello again. Thanks for the new responses. Yes, I did it... I went back to him... and it was the best thing I ever did. It made me see him in a new light. Instead of missing and loving him and what we had before I found out about him visiting massage parlours, I saw him in a new light. I saw that I had lost all respect for him and didn't want to be with him anymore. I looked at him and saw a man that I didn't want to know anymore. I saw a man who I didn't know. I realised that he will grow old and lonely. I felt a surge of power come back to me when I looked at him. I stayed for two weeks and every day during those two weeks the disgust I had for him grew stronger. I left yesterday with no feelings really. I don't hate him or love him anymore now. I feel good. :)

Good for you :)
Keep it up