Anger is part of the grieving process. But just a part. Talk it out, write it out, go exercise or play sports to release some of the energy but it's normal to feel anger. Just don't act it out.

NC is a very good thing for both parties. You probably don't see the utility in it but you'll realize, one day, that she's doing you a huge favor.

Wondergirl- Why am I spinning my wheels over her? Because I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her? Lol.. and unfortunately I have no desire to date lots of girls... I still don't even feel ready to put myself out there as available when I'm certainly not available emotionally. And have not touched a girl / kiss anyone since her, so I'm practically a born again virgin :)

Susan- I know it is most likely the best thing for both of us. But, that does not mean it's easy, nor can I accept it without question. I don't know, just something about someone turning their back and walking away from you after sharing so much of their life with you good and bad, and committing themselves to you, ONLY to have them disappear a few months later is a little f'ed up in my eyes. Obviously I am not over her, although I really wish I was. My own mother cried on mothers day telling me she hates to see me hurt.. she can't be happy if her son is not.. that ripped through me like a nail..

Thumper, the first thing that I would say, is that you are in control of your own feelings and reactions.

At the moment, you're still feeling disappointed, disillusioned and dejected. You're wise enough to see that it's partly your ego that's hurting because you feel that she has rejected you. Part of what you're also feeling is grief - grief for the lost opportunities and for the plans that you'd made about your relationship.

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Bitterness is not. You can control how you feel, and you don't have to feel like this.

She has been utterly honest with you, and you should respect her for that. You must admit, any contact on her part would have got your hopes up again, and dragged the process on longer. Accept her disconnection from you as a gift. She is actually doing you a favour.

You don't have to hate her or dislike her - that is your ego talking. Make the choice to accept her choice and choose to do it with grace and dignity. Choose indifference if you must, but don't choose anger or hate - you and your future relationships will be the ones to suffer, not her.

Welcome to the real world of doing things that you don't want to, and stuff just happening whether we like it or not.

Not trying to be harsh, but we all know its not easy to unlatch yourself from someone who we have shared so much with, for so long. Its normal to have all these feelings, but the point you have to understand, you must deal with them.

That's always the bottom line... how you handle what life throws at you.

Learn to love yourself enough to know what's the right thing to do to make you happy.

Be glad she has not tried to contact you. My ex has contacted me recently for unimportant reasons. I caved and talked to her. Trust me, it doesn't help. I thought I would learn that by now after reading advice and dishing it out... but I haven't.

Like Gemini said, her not contacting you is a blessing in disguise! No one said that the healing process would be easy or quick. It is necessary in order for you to continue your life in solid and happy state of mind.

Threads merged


Hi All,

Well after 8 months of being broken up with my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years I am finally able to let it go. I had been holding on, doing things I shouldn't, and having false hope that one day there would be a knock at my door, or my phone would ring and I would live happily ever after.
I decided after not speaking to her for a very long time I would make one last phone call (Broke NC), because I needed to. I needed to hear that she was OK with no longer being in my life, or having me in hers. That she was OK with no longer ever hearing from me, seeing me, or etc. Now of course this may have already been obvious by her lack of calls, emails, texts, etc... to anyone but ME- but to the broken hearted, and me being in denial sometimes it takes actually hearing it from that person.

It hurt, it was painful, but it really has given me the closure I needed. It is surely disheartening to finally accept that she has become a totally different person then I loved and cared for, but that is her decision and her life. Letting go of trying to control a situation that is OUT of your control is not an easy task. But accepting that she is now at a different point in her life in many aspects is key.

I guess to those that are sitting and wondering when/where/how/what if this/that... TRY to accept the fact that if it really was meant to be- it will be without ANY doing on your part. Holding on to someone that does not want to be held on to is a very torturous exercise and will drain you mentally and physically. Try to avoid it..

Anyway- I appreciate the feedback I have received on this website- I think there are some amazing people here with some HUGE hearts. I have seen a lot of people grow up and mature from the little time I have been here- people of all ages. Try to be easy on yourselves, love yourself, regain your confidence and be happy that you care enough to reach out for help/advice. Someday someone WILL WANT what you have to offer, and truly appreciate the love we all have to give to someone. I am still single and have not even touched a girl in 8 months, but time will heal this wound.. and I believe things WILL get better. We have no control on what happens to us in life, but we have all the power in the world on how to HANDLE what happens to us.

Thumper

That is so awesome that you finally have closure. Congratulations! It took me a long time to finally let go of my ex too. I just recently reached the same point in my life where you are at. That is great to see that I am not the only one who had a hard time getting over an ex and dealing with closure. It is also good to hear the success stories of NC. Time does heal all wounds even if that isn't what you want to hear while going through a rough break-up.

This forum is also very helpful and has some great people with some great advice. I am so glad that I found it. Congratulations on getting the closure and hang in there. God will put the right person in your life at the right time. Good luck with everything and keep doing what you are doing!

Thanks for giving us your feedback! I'm glad that you were able to get the closure. Hopefully I will get to the same point someday.

This is a good example of when it's a good time to break no contact.

But we should note that not everyone is going to be as lucky as you. One phone call and you flick the switch off. It doesn't always work this way. Breaking no contact can easily prolong the recovery process too.

Good for you Thumber and I bet you never thought you would be in the place your at today.

Your outcome will encourage others in ways you can't imagine.

Cheers!

It great you have closure. Now you can focus all of your energy on your life with out wondering what could be.

Good job!

Congrats man, I envy you for accepting reality and letting go of this situation. I hope the ride won't be too long, keep your head up man and stay strong.

Threads merged again. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Just need to vent, possibly hear some peoples input and thoughts..

Its been over a year since me and my ex broke up.. I did try for a long time (9 months) to get her back, which failed miserably. She was mean and cold and straight up told me there is no reason for her to keep me in her life, and no need to talk to me about anything again. Case closed... she seemed strong and no desire to ever hear/see me again.

So jump ahead to ~August 2009, I met a new girl- who is now my girlfriend of 5-6 months. About 2 months ago I get a text from my ex.. it said "I just wanted to say I hope your new gf gives you everything i never could, and I'm glad your happy now".. I let it go for few days.. then I responded. (I know I shouldn't have.. I had not spoken to her for ~9 months). So I txt'ed her back basically saying.. "You gave me everything I wanted, why do you think i tried to get you back for so long.. this has nothing to do with you not giving me what i wanted..i loved you,cared, etc etc"... It went back and forth and then she called me. We talked for like 45 minutes and it was a lot of re-hashing, on her part.. of why it just won't work.. she didn't want to hear anything positive.. and how "It doesn't matter anymore" as she said since I now have a girlfriend. We ended the call, she told me how great I was to her, respected her, blew smoke up my a$$ basically.. leaving me saying "Im so great.. but again.. she doesn't want me".

So.. I didn't speak to her after that call until a week ago. I f'ed up and called her one drunken night and she didn't pick up luckily. But the next day she did call me back and was straight up nasty to me... "Why the f did you call me.. what did you need...leave me alone...stay out of my life.. im perfectly happy, my life is great..etc"... we hung up- 15 minutes later my new girlfriend calls and tells me my ex wrote her an email. (Could have figured that would happen.. I did mess up calling my ex). Anyway.. my ex told my girlfriend "Please tell thumper to stop calling me and txting me..its over between us, maybe you can get it through to him". My GF was upset- questioned why I called her, and moved on past it. My ex went on to text me two more times, very nasty.. which I ignored. And now I come to find out she is basically posting stuff on Facebook calling me names, telling the world how I can't move on.. etc etc.

Now yes, I know I am wrong for continuing to entertain my ex in any way shape or form. And should not have called/answered/responded at all.. but after 5 years with someone there are lingering feelings- even if I have a new girlfriend or not. Anyway.. I guess I have to wonder, why in the world does she find it necessary to be so god dam mean to me. 2 months ago she said how great I was to her, and how much I loved her, and now she has NO problem bad-mouthing me, calling me names, and talking sh!t. I have never done that to her, ever.

(on a side note-- I am still friends with her family, specifically her brother since we were close friends before I ever met her.. I know this drives her nuts but I'm not going to not be his friend because she doesn't like it.. )

I don't like having someone that I cared so much about, hate me.. she's even posted "Just hearing his name makes me sick"... really? Wow...

Thumper

Ignore her.
Whatever her issues are and if she wants to come across as an immature kid,that's her problem.

Block her on FB etc.
And don't get in touch with her ever again.

She is a witch and a bad person (sorry, that's as mean as I get! But, getting "bad person" from me is HUGE!:) )

You're doing what you can. You're being honest with your girlfriend about this ex - that's the best thing that you can do. Be sure to maintain that honest and open communication; she is your best ally in all of this.

Don't get mad, don't try and get even, don't give her the satisfaction that she is even bothering you. That's what she wants. Drama.

I'd even go as far as to stay off Facebook or block her from your feed. FB is toxic in these types of situations.

Don't talk to her, don't read her texts, don't listen to her ranting voice mails. Or, even better... let your girlfriend deal with them. She needs to know what's going on... because she is probably sensitive to the whole issue.

Best of luck, man.

Look, in her mind you're harassing her. She just wants to get on with her life - and you should in all honestly, be getting on with yours! Yea, she's being mean now (and probably much meaner than you deserve), but let's face it - you just can't let go can you?

Try and see it her way - you've been broken up for 12 months. Nine of those months you've spent, unsuccessfully, trying to get her back. Now you've got a GF and you're still making contact with her.

When will it sink in? What does it take to get you to let go? Stop making excuses about your 'lingering feelings' and take responsibility for this continual harassment of your Ex.

She's being mean now because she probably feels that it's the only way to get through to you and she's had enough!

Stop bleating about how horrible she is and about how you don't deserve to be treated this way because you loved her. In all honesty, if you really loved her, you'd respect her wishes and let her go. That's all she's asking of you.

It's been 12 months. Get over it.

Gemini- I respect your input and agree with some of your comments. I remind you that until she re-initiated contact with me, I had not spoken/txt/had any contact with her at all for several months. Once she heard I had a girlfriend she re-initiated contact with me, stirring the pot, and causing the wound to re-open. I was doing just fine not hearing from her, etc. Did I completely and 100% let go? No... I believe I will always have a place in my heart for her, and never wish negative upon her. Do I wish her back? Absolutely not... I just wish things to be cordial (sp)- which is something she can not do, and that is the part I don't understand. It was OK for her to contact me after she told me to stay out of her life, but if I contact her back- she runs to my girlfriend, and starts talking sh!t? I let her go, I respected her wishes and stayed strong to NC, until she reached out to me... so you saying I am harassing her is a bit much.

As I said before, I shouldn't have called her that one night- but we make mistakes.. but her immaturity and 'I can do but you can't' attitude is bs in my eyes..
Thumper

I'd say forget her and worry about your current girlfriend. I don't know why you have one anyway.

Emo- You don't know why I have what, a current girlfriend? If you're going to post a vague stab- save it.
If that is indeed what you are implying.. then I will answer it. I have a girlfriend because after I took a long time alone, and by myself with no contact from my ex I decided I was ready to move on, and see what else was out there. We can sit and wallow in sorrow for as long as we want, and never really HEAL. Sometimes it really does take a new face/touch/relationship to remind you that there are good people out there and what you lost- is better off that way- gone.

There are many times I ask myself "Should I even be in a relationship if I still think about my ex".. but the answer is yes. Because I don't desire her anymore, or long for her... the thoughts I have are normal and natural.. I almost spent my life with her. Will my walls be up and will it be hard for me to feel the same way with this new girlfriend? Yes, absolutely.. and that will come with timeeee... but that should not be a reason to stay single, and not put myself out there. I have A LOT to offer and was not going to waste anymore time sitting around.

Thumper

CrazyThumper, it's quite apparent that you're not over her completely, this much you have admitted yourself. What were her true intentions with the message she sent? We could have a wonderful debate over it but honestly, who the hell cares?

So she sent a text to you stating "I just wanted to say I hope your new gf gives you everything i never could, and I'm glad your happy now". From my perspective, it was a pretty innocuous text. I personally would have interpreted it as her just wishing me well on hearing I had a new girl in my life and left it at that. I would have either ignored it, or sent a quick reply saying: "Thanks! Hope things are well with you." But this isn't about me, it's about you.

Nobody held a gun to your head to make you reply with what you did - and now you're dealing with the fallout. While I'm not saying what you did was wrong, I will however call you out here on your expectation of her reaction. To me I feel that it is really no wonder why she reacted the way she did because if you put yourself in her shoes, that's the same kind of crap she's probably heard for those 9 months you tried to get her back! I am not denying her actions were immature at best and granted, she did some very uncool and downright nasty things but again this could have been totally avoided to begin with.

We all make mistakes yes but we also need to learn from them. We all have learned that if we put our hand into a fire, we get burnt. If you poke a stick at a dog, and the dog will be provoked to bite back. You've chosen your actions, and now you have to deal with the consequences. I wish you well on taking these lessons to heart, and hopefully you can finally, truly 100% move on. Good luck.