Ask Me Help Desk - 3 year relationship, girlfriend needs time and other things

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Originally Posted by jman123h

reading that again, you guys were just brutally honest, and it kind of hurts.

Brutally honest yes, because we want you to see what is going on here. Look, we could lie to you and you could make the same mistakes over and over, and to be honest with you that's what my friends always did to me, because they never wanted to hurt my feelings. Well, I'd rather my feelings be hurt now if it meant a better future and understanding and that is what I think we are trying to drill into your head.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

This is my first real relationship and first love.

Nothing wrong with that, it was hers to. But you have to understand the dynamics of a relationship, which you don't, and that is what we are trying to explain to you.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

I don't really know exactly how to be the best boyfriend but i do know i love her more than anything and i hurt her badly.

You may not know how to be the best boyfriend, but come on, the stuff with the other girls is not rocket science. That being said you are at least honest about, which to me still counts for something.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

I am willing to do anything i can to have her again, and will be the best i can be.

Then you have to do exactly what your mind tells you shouldn't. You have to pull away from her and focus on your own life. Because the only relationship you will ever have that will last is the one with yourself. Right now you are so focused on her, that you have made yourself secondary which in turn has allowed her this power over you, which in turn is driving you nuts, which in turn is depressing you even more. It's a never ending cycle.

What she did was get off the downward path and distanced herself from you, and now I'm suggesting you give yourself permission to get off the downward spiral for your own good... not hers (in this circumstance it is OK to be selfish) and distance yourself from her. Only then will you be able to put some focus into your life and move forward with a clear head.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

I"m young and inexperienced with this stuff, you think she should just 100% leave me and never talk to me again?

This is what I mean. I think you shouldn't worry about her right now. It is easier said then done, but worrying about her next move does your mental and emotional state no good. Your next move should be about your own next move, which is not bullying her, but bringing yourself back up. Be honest with yourself, if you were her, would you date you? Of course not, your not in a place where you can think straight, and she knows it. So back off for now and see where it takes you, with you.

You have been given some really great suggestions, so its up to you if you want to do the right thing and leave her alone and get your own act together. Women are not like dogs, you can kick 'em around, and expect they are going to stick around, and eat your crap. You had your chance, you blew it!!

No need to start another post about this, just update this one.

Thanks for the advice from everyone. I was planning on meeting her and talking with her but she kept having excuses to why she couldn't hang out. I then delivered all of her things that I had in my room back to her house and told her to check on top of her car. I wrote her a note and she told me that was a drastic move because she actually did want to see me but was really busy the past week.

We planned to see each other tomorrow and we talked today about what we were going to do and I told her I really wanted to talk about things and she just wanted to go as friends. That is bull sh**. She said we didn't need to talk in person because I know how she feels. I told her that I needed her to look me in the eyes and tell me that we are over, for good. She told me that if that's what I wanted she could have told me that when I dropped off her things. I told her then that she was out of my life and that I can't talk to her, deleting her on aim,Facebook,etc. I then told her I loved her and goodbye.

She called me back about 20 minutes later, definitely upset. She says I'm being immature and just like what I said, it's been 3 years and why would we throw that away, we should be able to talk because she had wanted time anyway before she knew about the cheat. She told me she didn't want to go to college in virignia (roanoke college) not knowing exactly who she is and not knowing she can stand alone on her 2 feet. I told her I completely respected that and had at the time she wanted that space. However, I still love her and I can't hear about all of her new friends and see pictures of parties at her house of her having fun while she doesn't want anything with me. I told her if she was still "in love" and wanted to go out on dates here and there it'd be different because maybe that is what I would have wanted too. But it isn't that way and she claims she isn't "in love" with me anymore. She told her that I was being mean by saying I hated her and calling her a . I reassured her that I never said she was a and didn't feel that way, nor did I hate her. I told her she is the nicest girl I know, and I feel nothing but love towards her. She made her move to better herself and I let her know now I'm making mine since she can't be with me. I then told her goodbye again.

I feel I made the right move, and now I can start to move forward. After doing all of that I feel great. But when I'm on this site listening to music fit for my mood, I feel I can do anything. How do I keep this vibe that I'm a great person and I don't need her? (which are both probably very true.)

OK wow time for a bit of sensitivity for you. First of all, you messed up bad, but people have grilled you for that already so ill move on to REAL advice because that's what this site is here for.
From the sounds of it you love her, but time to step up and prove it to her. Tell her how you feel, you can start with what you've been saying here ("shes perfect... shes amazing... I love her... etc).
Then if you get the chance, never break her trust again and that means you should cut the drinking and partying and hanging with girls stuff for a while to prove yourself. Tell her your plans and always be honest.
Tell her how you messed up and take 100% responsibility for this. Tell her you won't party or w/e and tell her you'd do anything for her BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT.
Then say a prayer and hope for the best.
If it doesn't work out and she won't come back then sadly you know why and LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.
I hope it'll go well for you, yeah you messed up but if you two really love each other then maybe you'll get a second chance...

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Originally Posted by jman123h

thanks for the advice from everyone. i was planning on meeting her and talking with her but she kept having excuses to why she couldn't hang out. I then delivered all of her things that i had in my room back to her house and told her to check on top of her car. I wrote her a note and she told me that was a drastic move because she actually did want to see me but was really busy the past week.

Jman guess what? After all my previous posts guess what I'm going to say. Ready for it? You are 100% in the right on this action. Your ex is purposely trying to get you to hang on. She's telling you, you'll she'll do something, but then making excuses. In the relationship game... and this is a game to her, you her actions have to match her words. When they don't then just walk away like you did. You were classy about by returning her things. She wanted a break, so you did the right thing by giving her things back. By holding onto them, she knows she has given you something to think about her, and she knows she can use it as an excuse for either saying she never intended to end things (oh and look, she did use that excuse) or a reason to call you should you start to drift away. Giving them back was more then returning them, it was a singal to her that you are not playing this game.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

We planned to see each other tomorrow and we talked today about what we were going to do and i told her i really wanted to talk about things and she just wanted to go as friends. That is bull sh**. She said we didn't need to talk in person because I know how she feels.

I agree with her. Look, you are way to emotional, and she's in control. You need to be casual, funny, relaxed, and at in control. She's moved in a different direction, and what you are doing it dragging her down because it comes off like begging.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

I told her that i needed her to look me in the eyes and tell me that we are over, for good. She told me that if that's what i wanted she could have told me that when i dropped off her things.

I know you are emotional. But this is to emotional and emotions are the woman's territory. You have to be strong. Right now the roles are flipped.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

I told her then that she was out of my life and that I can't talk to her, deleting her on aim,facebook,etc. I then told her i loved her and goodbye.

Again, I know you are emotional, and I even understand your reasoning, but telling her you love her, but you won't talk to her are behaviors that do not go together. Furthermore, you don't have to tell her you are doing anything. Just do it. Speak with actions, not words.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

She called me back about 20 minutes later, definitely upset.

Acting upset. She wanted the break. You followed through and gave it to her. When you took control and were strong (with some weakness about that emotional stuff) she came to you. She still wouldn't commit because she knows she can keep you guessing and jumping.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

She says i'm being immature

She's lying. Mostly. You were the mature one here. You returned her stuff. That's classy, not immature.

The deleting stuff and never talking to again was immature.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

and just like what i said, it's been 3 years and why would we throw that away,

She threw away last time. Her reasons might have been valid, but then why continue to string you along?

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Originally Posted by jman123h

we should be able to talk because she had wanted time anyways before she knew about the cheat. She told me she didn't want to go to college in virignia (roanoke college) not knowing exactly who she is and not knowing she can stand alone on her 2 feet. I told her I completely respected that and had at the time she wanted that space. However, i still love her and i can't hear about all of her new friends and see pictures of parties at her house of her having fun while she doesn't want anything with me. I told her if she was still "in love" and wanted to go out on dates here and there it'd be different because maybe that is what i would have wanted too. But it isn't that way and she claims she isn't "in love" with me anymore.

Okay. There you have it. Back away.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

She told her that i was being mean by saying i hated her and calling her a . I reassured her that i never said she was a and didn't feel that way, nor did i hate her. I told her she is the nicest girl i know, and i feel nothing but love towards her. She made her move to better herself and i let her know now i'm making mine since she can't be with me. I then told her goodbye again.

Classy and in control. This was good.

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Originally Posted by jman123h

I feel I made the right move, and now i can start to move foward. After doing all of that I feel great. But when i'm on this site listening to music fit for my mood, i feel i can do anything. How do i keep this vibe that i'm a great person and i don't need her? (which are both probably very true.)

First let me say that I feel you made the right move too. I would have left the emotional stuff out... but that's easier for me to say then for you to practice in the situation, I do realize that.

As far as maintaining this vide, read some of the other posts and figure out what you would do in different relationship settings.

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Originally Posted by anthony1222

ok wow time for a bit of sensitivity for you. first of all, you messed up bad, but people have grilled you for that already so ill move on to REAL advice because thats what this site is here for.

With all due respect Anthony, this REAL advice isn't going to land any guy a girl.

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Originally Posted by anthony1222

from the sounds of it you love her, but time to step up and prove it to her. tell her how you feel, you can start with what youve been saying here ("shes perfect...shes amazing...i love her...etc).

Let me tell you what I told Jman. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING!
She is in control, she asked for the break and she is playing the game of telling him it's a break but not a break. Why on earth would he continue to be emotional and tell her these emotional things? In fact if you read what has happened, when he's done what you are suggesting, she's thrown it back at him yet kept him at a distance.

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Originally Posted by anthony1222

then if you get the chance, never break her trust again and that means you should cut the drinking and partying and hanging with girls stuff for a while to prove yourself.

He shouldn't cheat, but if you think he should change his life for a girl you are nuts. Why would you ever be someone's slave, always available and never any fun?

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Originally Posted by anthony1222

tell her your plans and always be honest. tell her how you messed up and take 100% responsibility for this. tell her you wont party or w/e and tell her youd do anything for her BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT.

Hasn't he already done this?

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Originally Posted by anthony1222

then say a prayer and hope for the best.

That doesn't work in relationships.

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Originally Posted by anthony1222

if it doesnt work out and she wont come back then sadly you know why and LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Well, I agree with the learn from your mistakes, but when you have to resort to becoming an emotional whipping boy always available, and ready to tell her you love her again and again, why would any woman want a man who acts that way?
I hope it'll go well for you, yeah you messed up but if you two really love each other then maybe you'll get a second chance... [/QUOTE]

I felt good throughout most of the day today but now it's night and I get to thinking. This is probably normal. But anyway, I told her that not to talk to me and that I was going to not talk to her because it made me feel better. I felt as though I gained some control and let her know I wasn't putting up with her sh**. I also now don't look at my phone hoping it is her every time it vibrates because I know it won't be.

I've actually hooked up with a couple other girls recently when I had been getting feelings that it was definitely over. I woke up feeling worse than ever before the next morning. When does that feeling go away? Maybe the answer doesn't have to be 6 weeks or something definite like that, but at what stage does it not hurt?

So this is the 4th day of absolutely no contact, no hope, no number in the cell phone, not friends on Facebook, not buddies on AIM, and I feel terrible. I miss everything about her and I can't look at another girl the same... I just want to be over it. What do I do

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Originally Posted by jman123h

So this is the 4th day of absolutely no contact, no hope, no number in the cell phone, not friends on facebook, not buddies on AIM, and i feel terrible. I miss everything about her and i can't look at another girl the same... I just want to be over it. what do i do

Hang in there and take things one day at at time. You will have some really tough times ahead but also some not so bad days. I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel as long as you have faith that you'll get through this. Many of us have been on the ride you've just started and look at us now - we speak from experience that there is a better life waiting for you after a breakup. You just need to take the steps necessary to refocus on your life to get there.

Make sure you read through the stickies if you haven't already. They are chock full of ideas on what you can do to better your life but at the same time make the time pass and lessen the pain for at least a short while.

Thanks for the advice. She was always so loving and loved having me and seeing me and loved having me as her boyfriend. The last time we talked she kind of gave off the impression she's just sick of having to tell someone what they're doing, and where they're going, and talking on the phone and all the bf/gf stuff. I've had those feelings and we have had different break ups, and I got over that within a few weeks. Now that it's been 2 months is she really not going to wake up one day and say, holy... the biggest part of my life isn't here. Or could she just be so beyond it and going to get back into it if she doesn't have to.

Is she still thinking about me? Does she wish she could wake up to my phone call like she did every morning at 630? Does she still hug our matching teddy bears?

She, she, she, she, she,
She, she, she, she, she
She, she, she, she, she

Enough, think, me, me, me, me, me,!

OK. So I've gone through with everything I was trying to do, by not talking to her and erasing her from my life. On Thursday, three days after I pretty much told her I never wanted to speak to her again and to please never call me, she calls. I answer and ask why she is calling and she says because when we talked the other day I said that she never wants to talk to me anymore and never has time, and that right now she has time and really wants to talk. I told her that I don't want to talk to her. She told me I just made her feel like crap and she's going to go. I told her that I just can't talk to her.

So, yesterday, which was Saturday, two days after she called me.. she calls again. This time I ignore the call and figure if it's important she'll leave a voicemail or a text. Nothing, and no word since.

What do I make of this? And why does she call me! I gave her all of her stuff back and said she's hurt me so bad and now I need to move on to better myself! I'm not going to let her toy with me! What do I do?

You are doing the right thing. If she calls, ignore her.

OK, and I will. Why is she calling though?

Because she thinks you'll be available at a moment's notice. Prior to the other day, you told her all kinds of things about not wanting to break up, and wanting to be with her. So she's now going to try to keep you interested by calling every now and then until she gets the message, you won't play the game with her.

Okay, why is she playing the games? When she gets that I'm not playing the games is that going to bring her back?

So today during school, I receive a text message from the ex. It read, "I would suggest not using a butch ugly sheman in your attempt to make me jealous, it didn't work, it just pissed me off more about your immaturity and inability to have a friendship with me"

I was taking a test which I wasn't prepared for when I received this and I couldn't finish it. I sat there for 90 minutes thinking and wondering and all that dumb stuff.

She had called me over the weekend and I hadn't answered. I didn't want to receive another text/call so I responded today by saying, "please don't talk to me"

Why is she doing this?!

I just re-read that and I forgot to put why she said this. There is a picture of me and a girl she absolutely hates as my default on Facebook, and we are no longer friends so that is the only thing she can view of mine.

"Eye for an eye will make the whole world blind"

You put that default there on purpose, you are trying to hurt her whether you want to admit it or not. Stop acting like a child and just live your life