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Originally Posted by kctiger

So you want to stay in a relationship, no matter how bad it is, because you feel the love will come back? Are you serious? Quit comparing people who are married for a long amount of time to every relationship. MOST relationships END, period. MOST people are not right for each other, period. That is the most naive statement or post I have read in a long time.

Fact: People fall out of love! It happens. Anyone blind to that fact clearly needs to re-evaluate their stance.

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Then the idea that you will find the right person is a falsehood. Think about what you’re saying for a minute here. If most relationships fail, then that means ALL relationships, including the ones in the future, will mostly likely fail. So where does the leave the whole, “If its meant to be” crap, or “don’t worry about losing this one man, the right one is coming along.” Those are to opposed views. There are the “right ones” out there, then by definition there is something that has to happen in order for it to last, like goddamn commitment. Not the Universe just making this work magically. And working on it means not “falling out of love” all the darn time.

Naïveté’s is not the issue here. The simple fact that people very often just give up. If there was something about you or some girl that made you in love to begin with then unless there has been a major life change, that person is still there and you should commit to reigniting the love if it has waned. If the relationship is bad, cheating, abuse, incompatibility, that is one thing, but most relationships do not end because of those things, especially LTR.

I’m sick of people just giving up.

Giving up? It isn't about giving up, it is about being happy. You sit here and spout the BS about giving up, yet you create a post that is about nothing but GIVING UP! This woe is me crap is getting old. Get out of yourself pity. This is life, some things just don't work out. Love shouldn't be extremely hard, and when it gets to a point of constant wear and tear, then rather than fighting for something that doesn't seem to be there, the couple should probably just move on, as they, in the end, just weren't compatible.

This is your life here. You should be happy, and if you aren't happy, then find something else. I can see, that in a marriage, YES, you should do everything you can to salvage it, but not in a relationship. The chemistry of couples change, fact. Don't lay that whole, "she gave up on me" crap on this. Take the self pity elsewhere. You think that when people get married they plan on getting divorced? People try, over and over again, to make things work, but you can't fight life.

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It's like saying a bird is not a bird any more. It seems nonsensical to me.

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Try looking at the bird this way, it grows up and leaves the nest and faces life away from its parents. Still a bird, just older and more independent.

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you ask yourself and tell me, how have people that are married stayed married for 25,30, and 40+ years

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You stay together by working together and GROWING TOGETHER.

Life throws many things at us, and as we get older, and more experienced we handle things differently. All humans change at some point, but I think the partners that stay together and are happy, deal with there situations together, for the benefit of them both.

Just need to point out, even when we disagree, the wife and I still love each other, and that's never been a question. So there is no need to even worry about the grass being greener in someone else's yard, but in taking care of our own.

Long term partners work well together, no matter what the problem is.

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Originally Posted by JTS31708

Today i went over like she told me to then blew me off and didnt give me the time of day to express the way i feel so i can let everything out and move on with my life! I ended up going over(she wasnt home) her mom and i talked and it made me feel alot better and i gave her stuff that was at my house and a teddy bear that i was going to give her for valentines day there was no need in keeping it so i gave it and left i cried in the car for about 10 min but after wards i felt alot better and now i feel so much better and am ready to move on with my life if she trys to talk to me again it probably wont happen... if i ever decide to let it work again things will go very very slowly but for right now i feel great or at least better then last week!

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Once you have accepted that this thing is over you can look forward and not back. Glad you feel better, and you will see that there is a lot to be happy about, as your free to be happy, and seek what life has to offer.

NO CONTACT for any reason what so ever.

Both parties have to put forth the effort to make a relationship, and marriage, work. If one is not putting in the work, while the other takes up the slack... that is where problems arise. Love and relationships are a two way street, meaning both parties have to be equally committed to make it work. If one isn't it won't work.

This all doesn't happen over night. Sometimes it takes months or years before one person or the other calls it quits. I think that people rarely give up, they just reach a breaking point where they question their happiness being with the other person.

There is no reason on this earth to suffer in a relationship if you are unhappy. If you try and can't make it work... then it's time to make the tough decision to leave.

When the a person comes along and everything comes naturally, (love, commitment, happyness, communication, and compromise) then you have something very special.

KC is right in the fact that these things should not be hard to work towards when you are with the right person. Why? The other person is working for them along with you. It's called teamwork. It makes everything easier.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So there is no need to even worry about the grass being greener in someone elses yard, but in taking care of our own.

Long term partners work well together, no matter what the problem is.

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And that's my point. IN a LTR its not about your happiness, its about the happiness of your parnter. And vice versa. A relationship hits lull or something and now you're not happy, so I'll just leave. To feel better you say it was not meant to be. To me that’s the real self pity. Thinking you or the other person had no control over the situation, and it just had to be that way. That may be true for 6 month or 1yr relationships. But for relationships two plus yrs or longer, and marriages, your happiness is in your control.

Flat out me and my ex were compatible in every possible way. What happened then, well its clear she just gave up. If I had her attitude, then 4 yrs ago when I felt I was unhappy I would have slept with someone and just said, I’m not happy. I would have left, and not instead looked at the relationship and all the positive things that were still present, and out weighted what was happening at the present moment at that time.

I also understand where Ka1 is coming from. When I first broke up with my girlfriend, I had that mentality, like, "How could she give up on me?"

I think, over time, you start to realize that both parties played a hand in the demise of the relationship, and I totally commend her for ending a relationship that hadn't been working for a long time.

Just need to point out, even when we disagree, the wife and I still love each other, and that's never been a question. So there is no need to even worry about the grass being greener in someone elses yard, but in taking care of our own.

Long term partners work well together, no matter what the problem is.[/QUOTE]

The grass grows greener where it is watered.

Reality- people grow, and change, and sometimes they grow apart. Even after 30 years.

Placing blame, and fault changes nothing, only delays the learning and healing.

There are no right, or wrong, answers when that happens, thats entirely up to the two partners.

Late last night my ex texted me after a few days of me going NC and her friend or someone she kind of knew at her school passed away due to heart failure. I know its very sad but this is what she wrote me it was basically an apology of some sort... "I dont want to be mad at you now or ever, i just had a friend pass away tonight so im sorry i made you upset about everything". IMO it seems like she is feeling guilty and in a way using this to say sorry in some way( I did not text back). Am I wrong for not doing so or what should I do or say?

She is trying to use the excuse of her friend dying to get in touch with you in order to try and relieve her guilt. You did the right thing. Notice she said

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I don't want to be mad at you now or ever

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Why should she be mad at you? She wanted this, not you. If anyone should be mad, its you! She is only thinking of herself. Don't give in.

That's what I was thinking as well she is basically trying to apologize for hurting me and all. I talked to some of my buddies and my cousin and they said the same thing that she is using it as a way to relieve her guilt.

Thanks

At least she is feeling that she is guilty.this is important. Don't contact her.stay strong,that's why we are men.and that's why they are women,to make us things more difficult.if she contacted you once she is going to do it again.be indiferent.dont contact her.ignore her.it will help you to gain power over her and maybe in the end you will be the one to decide about your relationship,not her.be patient and wait.everything is going to get better even if you have to live without her.

Should I have said happy valentines day to her yesterday (I didnt) just wanted to know some other people thoughts.. Also her birthday and mine are coming up in march should I say happy birthday to her or keep going NC?

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Originally Posted by JTS31708

Should i have said happy valentines day to her yesterday (i didnt) just wanted to know some other people thoughts.. Also her birthday and mine are coming up in march should i say happy birthday to her or keep going NC?

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NOPE

And

NOPE

No. Valentines day is for couples... you're not with her. B-Day, well that is up to you.

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Originally Posted by JTS31708

Should i have said happy valentines day to her yesterday (i didnt) just wanted to know some other people thoughts.. Also her birthday and mine are coming up in march should i say happy birthday to her or keep going NC?

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I was not going to contact me ex,but I did let her know about the death in my family. Only because of the dynamic. She spent a good amount of time with my uncle and aunt in question. Of course she gave the I still love and care for you line. I just need to have time away from the relationship in order to evaluate it and my life.

Whatever. Her B-day is coming up to, but I'm not going to call. Assuming we both need to not call.

Don't contact her even if it is her birthday.I did the same thing.I didn't contact my ex neither for the new year's day nor for her birthday.she doesn't need you to wish her "happy birthday".thats all.

And they don't deserve to wish them "happy birthday"

Good point! Because she basically is the one who gave up on our relationship so I shouldn't have to say anything. I am doing better so far but every now and then she comes into my head and I just keep waiting for a text or something for her to say sorry and stuff like that but the last text I got from her was about her friend and her saying sorry about getting me upset about the whole thing