Ask Me Help Desk - Is she cheating or is it me

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

OMG, first she was completely hypocritical...she said "if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his" then when you pop the idea she responds by "i wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy" AND "if i am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test". She shouldn't go back on what she says and is not taking her own advice not only that but threatening abortion! Kind of dramatic. I think your approach was correct and a good way to ease in and pop the question. I can see why you feel confused she does give you a lot of mixed signals. This really concerns me, if I was you, I would pursue the DNA test for sure now (along with the other two kids) and you should mention to her, her mistake of being in support of DNA in the first place then retracting what she said. Why should you pay child support for kids that aren't yours?...gosh you will be working only to write off your cheques and that is hard because you will never get ahead. My Brother-in-law has 4 and only 1 of them are his (I think anyhow)...he has a hard time paying bills and everything - I maintain that he gets the test but he loves them too. Stand your ground and insist further...reassure her you love her and want to be with her (keep it as civil as possible till you know) but you are considering testing all the children and if she still refuses then you might have to slap a Court Order in her face if things get nasty. Testing will have to wait until the baby is born, if she aborts then you have no control over that...she will do with her body as she pleases but I don't think that was mature of her at all. You are going to face a difficult time but all will turn out in the end as it should (remember how we all feel about you getting married to her).

Another problem: How are you going to get her to explain the phone calls or talk about assisting her in her debt issues (if any)? Are you going to suggest counseling?

Well with the phone calls she says its bill collecters or if I ask her why don't she answer that call in front me she will say it's my phone I don't have to answer if I don't want too so if she was even talking to other men in a romantic way she wouldn't tell me so that the only explanation I get lol but I did ask her about the pre martial counseling and she said we can do that

Ideally people get married and then have children.But just because she is pregnant does not mean you can not both be great parents without marriage.

Pregnancy is a poor reason to get married.I did not see the word *love* in your post once.By its omission,I think that is very telling.

Wait on a lifetime commitment that you may regret and if she has nothing to hide ask to see her cell phone messages or snoop if you have to.I say you have grounds to snoop. The end sometimes does justify the means.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sams721

well with the phone calls she says its bill collecters or if i ask her why don't she answer that call in front me she will say it's my phone i don't have to answer if i don't want too so if she was even talking to other men in a romantic way she wouldn;t tell me so that the only explaination i get lol but i did ask her about the pre martial counseling and she said we can do that

Then that's a good first step to getting your concerns addressed. Since she isn't being direct and threatened abortion I think you should bring it up to the counselor before hand but to keep it discreet (not to give full disclosure) until the meeting without bringing it up as a direct hit. They are very good at keeping things confidential and addressing concerns without being direct. This is an opportunity to have all your questions dealt with. When you are choosing a pre marital counselor there are two types... group counselors (usually through the church (we went to a couple and they are fun plus you meet other couples) or individual counselors, for your situation I believe the one-on-one would be the best. Let us know upon your discussion with the counselor how you "feel" about them and your situation. If things do not improve then I suggest you postponing the marriage for a while... don't get married just because of the baby-you should marry if you are in "love" not for the wrong reasons.

Well when I asked her for a dna test you know she flew off the handle right .Well every since o asked for that she has distanced herself from me but at times she will get close and lay with me and we can watch a movie.Well the other night we got into a huge fight about money then it went back to everything I done in the past and she said when I asked for a dna test that pushed her away .Then she made the commet that when I asked for a dna test I ended the relationship .What can I do now it's really hurting me a lot .I mean should I not get a dna test and marry this woman but hell it's over between us and she is getting a termination done .I don't know but it hurts so so so bad

A glaring fact that given your history, she does not understand, so don't wear the guilt trip she is putting on you, and stand up for yourself, and what's right for you.

Explain all your feelings honestly, and if she can't handle it , then what kind of relationship do you really have??

Quote:

Originally Posted by sams721

she said when i asked for a dna test that pushed her away.

Accept this fact. When you asked her for proof and SHE got upset that was the reality she either chose or pretended to choose to make you act a certain way. HER reality is not yours. She can't be trusted, and you are offering to be a man and take care of her child if it is yours but all you ask for is proof. At this point given her actions in the past if she had nothing to fear and wanted a father for the baby she would be okay with it, not giving you a guilt trip.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sams721

Then she made the commet that when i asked for a dna test i ended the relationship .What can i do now it's really hurting me alot .I mean should i not get a dna test and marry this woman but hell it's over between us and she is getting a termination done .I don't know but it hurts so so so bad

I can't understand how being with her at any level is good for you? This relationship is based on pain not pleasure. Right now you are addicted to having someone... not her. There is a big difference. She doesn't bring anything positive to you, yet you keep holding on hoping it will get better. In fact, it keeps getting worse. It's not going to get better, just worse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sams721

well when i asked her for a dna test you know she flew off the handle right .Well every since o asked for that she has distanced herself from me but at times she will get close and lay with me and we can watch a movie.Well the other night we got into a huge fight about money then it went back to everything i done in the past and she said when i asked for a dna test that pushed her away .Then she made the commet that when i asked for a dna test i ended the relationship .What can i do now it's really hurting me alot .I mean should i not get a dna test and marry this woman but hell it's over between us and she is getting a termination done .I don't know but it hurts so so so bad

I see she is acting exactly how she said she shouldn't (that the baby wasn't yours - fly off the handle or if it was - no big deal... give the test)... she distanced herself and the fight about money... do you really want this type of relationship and more child support? I know its hard but this is not healthy for you and given your past she should understand... why do you let someone get away talking to you like that without you giving some sort of a reasonable explanation? Are you validating your decision? Are you communicating your concerns appropriately? Is she shutting you out without giving you opportunity to provide a reason?