Ask Me Help Desk - Hard break up and have some questions

Dear Expact 2009, I could not find your post here and so I could not comment on your situation. The chances are in my opnion both you and the ex will be suffering- just in a different way... for me I am suffering as I got the smack on my face, my ex? Will suffer soon- he is with someone who works with him and has given him no space to breathe... the girl came in between us and will do anything to stop us communicating... and so I let it be... all will come with time... you must show YOURSELF you can be independent, not show you EX.. the EX will realise eventually... no need to show them anything... xmas in Sinagpore is strange- no cold or snow... I haven't worked out NYE- but I think I will assume its another Saturday... and sit it out.. thankfully its during the weekday and not the weekend!

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

Dear Expact 2009, i could not find your post here and so i could not comment on your situation. The chances are in my opnion both you and the ex will be suffering- just in a different way...for me i am suffering as i got the smack on my face, my ex?? will suffer soon- he is with someone who works with him and has given him no space to breathe... the girl came in between us and will do anything to stop us communicating...and so i let it be...all will come with time... you must show YOURSELF you can be independent, not show you EX.. the EX will realise eventually...no need to show them anything...xmas in Sinagpore is strange- no cold or snow...i havent worked out NYE- but i think i will assume its another Saturday...and sit it out..thankfully its during the weekday and not the weekend!

You are right, no way there won't be mutual suffering. Albeit in different ways. I haven't actually started my own post except for the brief description I give in my previous reply to Korben. I feel it would just be repeating the same story but with slight change of circumstances. In the end, only we know our exes' personality and that's not even enough. Like you said, it's better not trying to show or prove yourself to anyone and just be yourself and continue your own way. It's the most difficult part, realising that. After a long relationship you risk becoming one person instead of two individuals, this makes each person lose a part of their individuality and I think was a big cause for my "break" or "break-up". People need to have independence and be able to express themselves their own way. I failed to see this at the end of our relationship and now I think this break is a good thing, regardless if we get back together or not. It will help each of us re-connect with ourselves and find meaning in our own lives. The only person who can make us happy is ourselves, and I only just realized that recently. Because as much as you try to make someone happy it's not enough if that person doesn't find happiness within themselves.

In terms of seeking my own way, I have already made plans for myself. For the holidays, and for the next year. Sports, activities, and meeting old and getting new friends. I think it's the best way of moving on and keeping my head away from her. I realize that when I don't think of her, I eat, I sleep, and I laugh.

I choose not to waste more time than is necessary in mourning this loss, I want to move on with my life and get over her as soon as I can. I won't look for another girl as I feel I'm not ready yet, but I will set myself free to enjoy myself and become a better person. Life is too short.

Thanks zeeniee, keep in touch!

This woman, who you gave your heart to, is in another relationship. She is handling everything a lot better than you because she is in control. You are reacting to her and allowing her to remain safe (emotionally) because she is not alone. I think what she did was re-evaluate her feelings and found that you were just not "worth it" when it came to the long-distance relationship. Even if her relationship is platonic (which I think there is a lot more to her and her new room mate) she is not alone.

You should be thankful that she showed her true colors before there was even more of a commitment with marriage, children, etc. You have a lease on a place together and a few of her belongings. I would make arrangements to get out of the lease (if possible) and she can store her own stuff.

Starting over is one of the hardest things a person can go through. You gave your heart (a very precious thing) to this woman and it will take some time and tears to recover. When you do, you will find strength and respect for yourself by letting go. This woman is not your future as she has already shown you. You will only live in pain if you keep holding on to something which slipped out of your hands already.

When you do "walk away" from this relationship (which you haven't yet) be prepared for action on her part. When she looses that control over you she will take action on her part to recover her control. She's pretty safe right now but she will retaliate if she feels like you are "fighting back".

The best thing to do is prepare yourself emotionally and legally because if a woman can break it off like she has done she will rationalize a lot of actions to save face when you stand up like a man instead of the boy she sees you as.