I don't understand the need people have to think ill of exes. Why is he "unworthy" or "insincere" just because he's moved on faster than you? Why is that? There's nothing wrong with letting the good times you had together just be good memories. Why suspect them, too? It's so unnecessary.

Look, I'm sorry you're having trouble moving on, but his moving on is just another assurance to you that moving on IS the right process. He's not hurting you, he's living his life. Stop thinking good OR ill of him. Just work on YOU and work on moving on.

And people, we need to be a little less slow call "foul" just because exes have moved on, when that's what we're counseling OPs to do as well. What's good for the goose is good for the goosette.

I think that Homegirl can tell by my posts that I did EVERYTHING for this man and when push came to shove he just didn't want to grow up. I think that if you truly love someone that you do not try to go find comfort from others... period. Maybe that is old school, but I don't think that moving on quickly is the answer. I know that I need to let go, and I am. But that process doesn't happen over night. I know it is easier for him to be with someone new, because then you don't have to feel lonely. But that is not how I am, so it is hard to process that he is. I just really thought I knew this man. We planned on spending our life together. He said he needed to work out things on his own, but that didn't mean he needed to just go out and find another warm body. It does go back to who he is though. He has always just "hungout" with girls. He has never had a real relationship before me. Maybe it was just to overwhelming to be an adult. This guy lives in a house his mom owns(no rent) gets free gas from the farm, doesn't have food,cable etc. He basically lives like he is 20, but he is 30. So I know I should just be OK. I know I deserve for myself and my kids someone way more mature. But when you get attached to someone it is hard to think clearly. I am trying. I know I will be OK, but today seems like one of the worst days so far. It just really puts into perspective that maybe the whole time he just pretended, and this player is who he really is. He told me the last thing he wanted to do was be with someone right now, that he didn't feel good about himself so how could he make anyone happy. But he runs right out to get a new fling within a few days. Just so sad... I know deep down though that it truly is his lose. That's why he used to tell me that he never has meet anyone like me in his life and how lucky he was and maybe he really wanted to be what I needed, but just too much work. Easier to be a player than to have a relationship.

JB is right and I did not need to call your ex a 'jerk' - it was my way of describing how you might feel about him and it was wrong.

In my other posts I tried to explain that there is a compatibility issue and that he just cannot be molded into what you envisioned.

You yourself had a married life with someone who was controlling, so now you want to take your life into your own hands and live it the way you think is best - for you and the kids. OK, that's what you have influence over, but you have no influence over how anyone else leads their life - and you just have to acccept and adjust to that concept.

It will do you no good to try and figure him, his lifestyle, or choices he makes out. It's his life and he will deal with it as he sees fit. And dwelling on it will only frustrate you more and distract you from going on.

You have to go on and live your's and make the best of it for you and the kids.

So, keep on venting, and healing... it will get better in time.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by kcook

I guess it just comes down to the fact that we aren't on the same level and we have different values. I really thought he would miss me and try to figure it out, but I guess it is easier to just got to the next. I just always think he will make those positive changes for someone else. But the reality is PEOPLE DON"T CHANGE their core values.

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That's dwelling.

Now, it's time to focus on YOUR 'core values' and go on from there.

His 'friends' know him the way he is and accept him that way. Your friends know you and accept you the way you are.. so now accept the fact that no matter what you wished or what you envisioned is not going to happen with him and concentrate on moving forward. Staying in the past and trying to figure it out is a waste of valuable time.

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Well I went to lunch today with a friend and she had to give me an ear full. Apparently he is bring new girl to friends house now... they call her breezy cause it was a breeze to get her in bed. WHAT!! It's like he wants to smack it in my face or something. I mean really. How much respect can he possible have while calling her breezy. I want him out of my thoughts. This is so hurtful. I deserve so much more.:(

It is confirmed She is a stripper!! LOL... WOW now I think I have seen it all. Gross. He is gross. I can't even believe he is that pathetic. Just wanted to share my laugh...

Atta girl!

You are now in your MAD stage in healing process. I'm not saying it's going to be easier from now on, but it is progress - and that's what we all want for you and the kids.

Just stay in touch, and keep on venting dear, it's good for you - and I promise, in time, you'll be able to laugh about this and continue with your life.

Time heals.

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So tonight was BAD! I came from work and just started balling. I sat in the garage looking at what a beautiful place I live in and how much I have going for me, but still sobed that he wasn't able to step up and grow up. I mean it's just hard you know after spending all that time envisioning your life starting again. To have in crash this way again. I know he wasn't cheating on me( I broke it off). But I know that he holds a lot of anger twords me, so he is being very spiteful. He is just acting like this 18 yr old. He is flaunting to friends that he is sleeping with a stripper, and how easy it was to f... her. I mean really. He also talks bad about me, and I was the one who owned everything and did everything to better his life. We never hardly fought so we never got to that point of hating each other. I just hate this part of the process. I know the process well and I got over my
Ex-H. But I really let myself fall for this man. I really Believed again in love. I think it would be so much easier if he was alone too. I keep making up some twisted reality that he is going to be better now and try in life for the hooker. He still has no job 4mo later. He was offered one I guess but it's to far to drive to the next town which is only 30 minutes. He has nothing and has no ambition for anything. But it still hurts me thinking of him moving on. I just wish it would stop in my heart. My head knows what is logical and my heart wants to help him. I got that book that I saw someone put on here. Women who love too much. I started to see myself in there. These men never change, he said it himself. He hasn't allowed himself to love anyone in ten years before me his dating never lasted more that a few months. I broke that security for him and he loved me. He was a better person with me. However I cannot be his savior. Maybe that is why he is so angry at me now. He didn't want to care and he told me that for along time before we got together and for several months into dating. But then he really did, and that's sort of when I feel like he self destructed and went back to his old ways of parting and nasty women and not wanting to work(old lifestyle b/f me). I know that they will never have the relationship we did a family and love. But I question if they will last, and if he will be better. I am making trying to progress though this hurt. It helps to write in here because I go back and look over and over what people have said to help me let go. I wish there was a pill to take away old loves.

Well it has been awhile since I have been on here. I have been so so. I have had n/c until the other day. WOW. It was weird. He called and said he was going away to his dads out of state. That he really had screwed things up here and needed to leave. He told me that I was right about everything during the break up. He said he's been really screwed up since then and still doing nothing. So I felt OK, I guess it was nice to hear him say that. But then last night after he has been up there with his dad for less than 24hrs he calls 3 times. I didn't answer the first few times but then I did. He had been drinking, he said"babe I am so sorry for everthing I did to you" etc. All the things that make you feel good they realize, however he is staying there to live. He also never mention anything about wanting to fix things, just that he realizes how bad he messed up. Then today nothing all day. I guess it just confused me. I never did stop loving him and haven't dated since. I know it was a huge step for him to even say that. But I really wish he will continue to realize and hopefully we could have a second chance. What do I do? How should I be when he calls? Should I call him? Help guys, I am feeling unsure.

Honey, I'd leave it alone. He is carrying baggage and you don't need that extra trash in your life. He called to tell you he was sorry, but he was also drunk - and not happy. He had to escape and went to his dad's but that was probably not his choice, so he gets drunk, feels sorry mostly for himself, and will probably 'call' out for help when he has a miserable time. That does not mean that he's grown up, it just shows that he's still a kid who wants someone else to 'fix' it for him. Don't fall into this trap, or you will wind up being hurt all over again.

Give yourself time to get to know other people and you will realize that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

Keep us posted on your healing process, it's OK to cry, you've been hurt, but TIME will help you heal, and so with those sons of yours..

Honestly, you deserve better.

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Your only confused because you talked to his drunk azz. That can be corrected, and you'll feel so much better when you have healed, regrouped, and made a happy life for yourself.