Don't be weak man

Keep to NO contact!

Never go back in life.

Always move forward! :)

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Originally Posted by asking

You started this latest round by breaking NC and sending her an email, and I can understand her wish to be able to respond, although a better person would have ignored your email. Threatening to keep calling if you don't call back is blackmail. But blocking someone but then writing to them yourself is pretty bad too.

If you want to take the low road but protect yourself, then simply don't call back, ever.

If you want to take the high road, apologize for your message and say you regret sending a goading message. Then go on to say you really don't want to be in contact anymore, and apologize separately for breaking your own no contact rule. Entertain one more round of communication to let her have her say. Then go back to NC.

You really don't know at this point whether what your buddy said is true or accurate and I would put it out of your mind. It obviously feeds into your worst fears.

And find some new friends. Your buddy is a gossip and a trouble maker.

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I know you are kind of playing devil's advocate here and I appreciate your input, however I would have to respectfully disagree with some of the things you are saying.

Yes I broke contact to e-mail her, but no there was no goading involved. Perhaps I should not have said something, that has crossed my mind... But my e-mail was very to the point, not insulting and more of a note to make her aware that I was aware of what happened. I do believe I am entitled to say something, I gave my life to this person for 4 years and literally put everything I had into it... I treated her like a queen. Over this time was made to feel like dirt several times and I caught her "emotionally" cheating on me twice. Should I have gotten up and left sooner. Yes, but when you are in love you usually throw logic to the dogs. There is no doubt in my mind that she cheated, and its not just my friend saying it, her best friend even told that she cheated when she went to cuba. I kept my mouth shut on that one as I didn't want to jeopardize their friendship. And I know that me calling her out on this latest accusation is in part of not being able to say something about the other one. That I know happened as she was caught in the act. It's a difficult pill to swallow hearing that somebody you loved and never waiverd from could betray you like that when you thought they loved you. I don't regret sending that e-mail and believe almost anyone would do the same when you have gone through something like this.

And if taking the low road is not calling her than I guess all the advice I have received here is wrong...

And as for my friend, he wasn't sure about telling me at first but decided I deserved to know, and frankly I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't. How do you not tell one of your good friends that. Calling him a gossip and a troublemaker is ludicrous and not appreciated.

And finally, I do know I invited contacted by sending that e-mail. Its not something I wanted and am not really surprised that she would want to have her say... Whether I should just ignore it is the question.

How do you figure you're doing NC? You've broken it once and are asking us for permission to do it again??

Your email was a big tease to her and made her think you still care somehow and might want to get back together. (That's how we females think--not logically but hopefully.) Another contact by you will firm that up in her pretty little head. Do you want to do that? And if you contact her again, this is no longer NC. I'm guessing this new drama won't end after a second contact.

I am aware and have conceded that I broke NC with that e-mail. And I am not asking for permission on should I do it again, breaking it at this point is not of great concern to me, I feel I have moved on quite sufficiently and am not worried about the repercussions from talking to her. And this is not a game, if she wants to think I want her back than by all means she can think that (however I don't see how what I wrote to her could be interpreted as wanting her back in any sense). I am moving on and really don't care she thinks I am feeling towards her, because I know how I feel and that's all that counts.

I knew I would get jumped on for writing that e-mail to her, and I can honestly see your points and appreciate them from a logical standpoint... But really, how many people wouldn't say something after finding out 4 years of your life was a farce. I kept it professional and know that a lot of people would have approached the situation with guns a blazing which I didn't.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

And I am not asking for permission on should I do it again

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Then what does the heading of your question mean: "Should I break NC one last time. "

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(however I don't see how what I wrote to her could be interpreted as wanting her back in any sense)

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True, but then you are not thinking like a female like she is. You are thinking like a male because ummmm that's what you are. But to a female, the mere fact that you contacted her indicates there is still some interest on your part.

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I kept it professional

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All she knows is that you contacted her again. *relieved sigh* Now she is desperate to explain herself further to you. Professionalism has nothing to do with anything. You are being so MALE and she is a FEMALE--two entirely different worlds. Books have even been written about it. John Gray made millions with his Men are from Mars-Women are from Venus idea.

I vote no more contact.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

I know you are kind of playing devil's advocate here and I appreciate your input, however I would have to respectfully disagree with some of the things you are saying.

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Yes. I often try to look at things from both sides. And I likewise disagree respectfully. I want to make clear that I do sympathize with your situation.

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Yes I broke contact to e-mail her, but no there was no goading involved.

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It is goading that you wrote at all after refusing all contact for so long and also goading that you brought up such a loaded topic.

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Perhaps I should not have said something, that has crossed my mind...

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Yes! That's what I'm saying.

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I do believe I am entitled to say something, I gave my life to this person for 4 years and literally put everything I had into it...

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Perhaps. But then you are talking about a conversation. And a conversation goes two ways. She is similarly "entitled" to respond.

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I don't regret sending that e-mail and believe almost anyone would do the same when you have gone through something like this.

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It's totally understandable that you would do that. But it was still not in your interest to contact her and you lowered yourself by contacting her in a way she could not respond to.

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And if taking the low road is not calling her than I guess all the advice I have received here is wrong...

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I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that you can behave in a way that is above reproach (not for her sake but for how you'll view yourself; no nagging doubts). Or you can just look out for what's best for you in the short term. Which is NC. My first impulse was to say NC. Period. But then I started thinking about the fact that you had precipitated this situation and so I wrote something different.

She is obviously not someone you want to be in contact with.

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And as for my friend, he wasn't sure about telling me at first but decided I deserved to know, and frankly I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't. How do you not tell one of your good friends that. Calling him a gossip and a troublemaker is ludicrous and not appreciated.

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I apologize for the harsh words. But I do believe he hurt you by telling you. As far as I can tell, it has gained you nothing but heartache.

The email was a mistake, that can only be corrected with never contacting her again, for any reason.

She is a can of worms, never to be opened again, for any reason whatsoever!

I think the issue here is that you got to tell her what was on your mind but she doesn't get the luxury of being heard, as a woman I can tell you that it must be frustrating as hell. If you feel she deserves it then do not contact her again, let her go on with her lack of closure. If you do decide to contact her, just remember that you are putting some of the control you exercise right now, back in her hands. What you should do depends on what you're capable of managing.

Hey All thanks for the help.

I probably came off a little hostile at moments and I apologize, mainly to "asking".

Had trouble comprehending why I shouldn't get a word in after what I heard. But I took a step back and can see that you're right, contacting her was wrong and I should have just let the news fuel my resolve that I am better off. We're only human and emotions can really cloud our judgment... should have just slept on it until I calmed down. Live and learn though.

And Dragonfly you are absolutely right, not just for a woman but for anyone I can see it being hard to be accused of something and not have a chance to say your piece. I am sure I would have done the same thing as her.

And asking I find myself agreeing with you now about my friend. While he is a good buddy I really see your point about nothing being gained. I am sure he had good intentions but really it did nothing but upset me and cause this situation.

So again thanks, and sorry if I came of confrontational. Wasn't happy and didn't want to be told I did something wrong. Every now and then we need a kick back into reality.

I like responding to your questions, because even when your are speaking from emotion, you're still a rational, reasonable guy who genuinly wants objective advice. It's always a pleasure helping someone who wants to help himself. Don't beat yourself up over having had a reaction to what you've learned. Honestly, most of the time, you exercise more self control than I ever could! You're doing pretty darn good.

I disagree with the fact that your friend shouldn't have told you. Honestly, I think that is something that you deserve to know, and any good friend would tell you that. Reason being, that if you were ever to start thinking about giving this girl a chance, this is information that would be pertinent to the situation. You're friend did the right thing by telling you and sure it hurt a little bit, but it goes to show her true colors. Also, you know you can have a friend to count on. What kind of friend would keep information regarding your girlfriend screwing around on you quiet? Regardless of whether you were in the relationship? This was a dishonest act by her and if your friend was not to tell you, even if he just found out about it, he would be supporting her dishonesty by not letting you know. Be glad you have a friend that good.

Thanks for letting us exercise our "boots" today, come back anytime for that! HEHEHEHE!!

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Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

I disagree with the fact that your friend shouldn't have told you. Honestly, I think that is something that you deserve to know, and any good friend would tell you that. Reason being, that if you were ever to start thinking about giving this girl a chance, this is information that would be pertinent to the situation. You're friend did the right thing by telling you and sure it hurt a little bit, but it goes to show her true colors.

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If NNG were thinking about resuming with her, I agree it would be appropriate.

But I think a friend has an obligation to think it through. I once learned that my father and god mother had been intimate. It was very upsetting to me and I was momentarily tempted to talk to my godmother's daughter, who was my best friend. But then I realized I didn't want her to feel the way I did. She's dead now and I'm still glad I never mentioned it. She didn't need to know. Depending on the situation, I think keeping a secret can be a kindness.

I think my ex husband was probably unfaithful to me. But I don't know any details. If someone came to me now with a list of his partners, and details, I would not want to hear it. That's behind me. And I would wonder what their motivation was.

Just my take.

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Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234

I like responding to your questions, because even when your are speaking from emotion, you're still a rational, reasonable guy who genuinly wants objective advice. It's always a pleasure helping someone who wants to help himself. Don't beat yourself up over having had a reaction to what you've learned. Honestly, most of the time, you exercise more self control than I ever could! You're doing pretty darn good.

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I agree with Dragnonfly and talaniman on this!

In my posts I'm trying to set a high bar.
Don't think I meet it myself.

Hey Guys,

So I am now approaching the 9th month of single life... Life is good, however there is a little nuisance that won't seem to go away; my ex.

During the christmas holidays she sent me several e-mails saying how she missed me and wanted to get together. I ignored them all and went to mexico for a week. I have sinced returned and just received another email from her today. She said she saw the pictures I had posted from mexico (must have seen them on a friends Facebook as I have blocked her) She complemented the way I looked and said she missed me again. Also wanted to know when I was going to move down south (where she is) and maybe see where things go between us. (how can she still say these things? )

Now I would never get back with her at this point... EVER. But these e-mails still bother me a bit. It more or less makes me angry that she thinks she can contact me and act like nothing ever happened, like she didn't devastate my world and furthermore hurt me by the way she acted after. Its like she thinks I am cool with it and would consider giving us another go.

Sometimes I feel like emailing her and telling her how it is, how she hurt me deeply back then, how I could never forgive her for the guys she got with afterwards, how we are not friends, how we never will be friends, how I don't want her to have any part in my life, and how I don't love her anymore... that its over, forever, and that I hope she is happy with her choice because there is absolutely no going back.

Before anybody says anything I have blocked her e-mails... However my outlook only sends it to the junkmail folder... which I check before I delete because important emails have ended up there before.. and when I see them I can't help but read them.

Should I just continue to ignore her, or just let her know what this break up was to me, basically saying what I said above...

You guys haven't steered me wrong before, so I will listen. I have an overwhelming sense that I should just stay NC, as I suppose not saying anything at all will eventually give her that message. If anything this just felt good to vent, as I don't bother my friends with this anymore.

100% NC. Don't say anything if you do not feel comfortable doing so.

She will get the hint.

And that's the thing, I don't want to provoke anymore contact... it would probably add fuel to her fire...

Let her wonder, keep NC.

Yes, it very well may provoke more. I would definitely not say anything. You yourself even said:

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Now I would never get back with her at this point... EVER.

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Why stir the pot any more by talking?

Enjoy your life as you have been, NC all the way and let her continue getting her information from outside sources