Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend has intimacy issues.

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Originally Posted by Lithean

ALL MEN have only 3 emotional responses

HUNGRY
SLEEPY
HORNY

while this not true, as there's clearly enough nearly asexual, uninterested men around to keep their partners writing in here about their neglect despite the women's best efforts to wine, dine, and make time... I just had to comment on this post because its an old, old line.

my father-in-law served in the military and his take on pilots was the same... they eat, sleep, and have sex.

and personally, I've always thought that wasn't a bad idea. When I get on a plane I want my pilots to have had a great meal, a good sleep, and a great lay before firing up the thrusters. =)

same goes for my surgeon.

On the subject of pilots..
I can vouch for that from personal experience. I dated a pilot and we wined and dined in the fanciest places, danced until our feet hurt, and worked our way through the Kamasutra! I guess when in the military and flying jets or helicopters - these guys lived each day as if it might be their last - and for a lot of them this was true. They at least knew how to live to the fullest.

So AD2012, maybe you should look for a pilot, fireman, or Coastguard diver - they rarely have the time in their careers to have 'personality disorders' and have to be evaluated by professionals on a routine basis. At least you would not have to take up the role of a free therapist or friend and give up your needs and desires.

Just a thought.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_13.gif

Hmm... case closed, I guess.

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Originally Posted by AD2012

Hmm... case closed, I guess.

No such thing here, as we await your input, and opinion, or questions. We never sleep. :)

Do you suppose someone would go great lengths to withhold sex (or orgasm from his partner) until marriage to see if the relationship was worth sinking everything into? It's the only explanation I can think of, considering the tone of the rest of the relationship. It is THE only thing he refuses to talk about with me when I bring it up. He tries to make sure I know that he's still attracted to me and I know he loves me so dearly by the way he'll go out of his way to please me in every OTHER aspect of the relationship... am I just getting my hopes up..

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He also has social anxiety disorder.

This is the second time you've mentioned this, and its well worth looking into, and getting a professional opinion. Starts with a doctor, and a referral, or whatever he thinks is appropriate. Making laymen diagnosis is potentially dangerous, and only a trained professional can know what actions to take. I do sense your reluctance, but it may be the best option, and for sure a good starting place, given his traumatic past, and present action. More often than not, lack of sex is total a workable thing if indeed this is mental. You have been together for a year, and this has been going on for 10 months, I would like to know how long you dated before you had sex, and what kind of job/hours he puts in. The more info the better, because he appears to not be into sex, but is into you, and on the outside looking in, Lazy and selfish come to mind, but is it him, or something else that drives that? You need to find out, if he is worth it to you.

AD.. we DON'T close any issue here, unless the poster no longer wants our input.

It takes two to make a relationship work. And to me, it seems that he is comfortable the way it is, and you are not. You are keeping your hopes up, but if he does not meet you half-way and seek professional help, you will have to decide whether you can live with what he has offered.

I do not think that in this case, he is saving the 'best' for after marriage. For the simple fact that he has given you a 'taste' right from the beinning and waned away since then. Usually, when saving this until married, one does not get that intimate - they wait and work on getting to know each other, please each other, and make the final 'act' something worth waiting for. But only he knows what his intentions are, and if he does not want to talk about it, then where do you stand...

Please don't plan your entire life around him just to set yourself up for a fall. We should never place anyone in the center of our universe and forget our own happiness and goals.

As Tal (had to spead the rating again here, Tal) said, it is dangerous to 'diagnose' anyone's behaviour without professional advice or input. And, as you said, he was never officially diagnosed - just assumed by him. So what does that tell you? And, as Tal indicated - we would need more information - and so do you. Is it as important to your BF as it is to you to seek professional help and get a diagnosis, or is he unwilling to give that step a thought? This is something that you left out. The only things we can go by is what you convey. What he feels, thinks, etc - are second-hand - from someone emotional attached - so there is not much I can suggest for him.

What I do suggest, and to you only, is that you should not put all your life aside for the sake of someone you cannot totally communicate with - especially about things as important as these when planning a future together.

So, again.. what is he willing to do to help change your current situation?

EDIT: I might be wrong here, but I have a friend who lives with a girl, treats her wonderfully, they have a lot of fun together, he cooks great, entertains her all the time and makes her happy in any other way but sex.they even bought a house together and furnished it.. he's gay. She knows this and is not into sex, so she is happy with him. Does this ring any alarms? You need to be reassured before you get married.

I nearly broke up with him the day before yesterday because I cried myself to sleep yet another night and I woke up in the middle of the night and moved to the couch. I had that whole time to think about things and I was fuming because I couldn't sleep and I felt like I was being seriously disrespected. I woke him up early and let him have it. He was very apologetic and promised he would do whatever it takes to not let this relationship slip away. He tried to make excuses, but ultimately it seemed that he was listening intently to my ranting. I laid all my cards out on the table for him and I tried to get some real reasons out of him for his behavior. He said it's not at all me, and that it's just his libido (which is bullsh*t!) but I still listened. He said that I smother him too much and I said that that's something I would work on. We ended up making love but the following days I tried to approach him with loving intent and he just said he needed his space... later it was that he was tired... I really have yet to see anything REALLY change. Inside the mind of a man, do you think he's really being truthful with me? Is he just that disinterested? Is there something I have to change or is it him? I can't really bare the thought of leaving him, but I can't imagine staying with someone who can't meet my needs and make me feel like a WOMAN - and I told him this. I love him too much to just outright leave him but I can't go on like this...

You haven't made an appointment for a doctor yet?? Then you both will continue to suffer from... you don't even know, but you sure as hell need to find out. Stop crying, and be proactive.

Sorry, but 'fuming all night' and then 'letting him have it' sounds immature to me.

No matter what he says to you, you will interpret it as bullsh*t and just start fuming again.

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I can't really bare the thought of leaving him, but I can't imagine staying with someone who can't meet my needs and make me feel like a WOMAN - and I told him this. I love him too much to just outright leave him but I can't go on like this...

Now, to me - that sounds like B.S.

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Is there something I have to change or is it him?

BOTH

My suggestion is that you both seek professional help, or go your separate ways.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_2_205.gif Stay on this path and you'll get nowhere.

Be a and cut of his supply when he feels like it and maybe he attitude will change.
If he strays you will know where you stand. At the moment I don't think he respects in any way.