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Originally Posted by Tiger30

She "feels trapped". She has "always wanted to be independent" She says she doesn't feel a connection with me" She said she "might like to move out".

Looks bad. I know.

Here I am, it's March 12th, Wednesday at 2am. And since my girlfriend and I have a difficult time being on the same page lately, I'm discussing our relationship, hoping it may help us in some way.

First off, I'd like to point out that my girlfriend has also told me even more recently that she "loves me" "wants to be with me" and "doesn't want to move out".

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1. Here we go...She and I went out for a couple weeks in High School. I was a virgin and so was she and I didn't know how to act and neither did she. We both were not used to the dating scene, so after a couple weeks I called her to let her know I didn't want a girlfriend at this point in my life.

2. Couple years later I go to a party and she is there. (I hadn't talked to her since 1.) She came up to me gave me a hug and said hi. She was very excited to see me. So then I make my way around to say hi to others. Later on she comes up to me again and talks. I make my way around more and later she finds me again. I was just about to leave so she gave me her # and wanted me to call her the next day. Long story short, we ended up getting together and dated for 2 years. We were close. Usually not with a bunch of friends, and when we were out with friends it wasn't the same. We both would rather it just be her and I. So it was that way much of the time.

I wasn't that into the relationship in the beginning 3 mths or so, but then I really started to like her...a lot! After about a year or so she started acting as if she didn't love me anymore. We started arguing about going out with friends and her not liking my friends and vice/versa. I couldn't get her to love me like she used too, so I finally gave up and hoped she'd make things right. She didn't and we broke up. It was rough for me, and her too I imagine, but she started dating soon thereafter. I was heartbroke but moved on with my life.

3. About 3 years later a friend of mine ran into her at the mall and he gave her my new phone #. She called me and left a message. I called her back and she came over to my apt. a few nights later. We watched a couple movies and laid with each other, kind of like old times. I wanted to kiss her so bad, some of the old feelings came back again. She decided to leave around 3am after the 2nd movie and we had a big long hug and I went to kiss her...I noticed her eyes got BIG and she didn't want to kiss. I was confused because she would lay with me and all that but not kiss. I guess she didn't quite feel the same huh. Anyhow I quickly just kissed her on the cheek and led her to the door. She was gone.

4. About 4 yrs later...she finds me on the internet. Well, her little sister did. Evidently she had just moved back home with the family after moving out of her and her Husbands place. So we started talking online, and she wanted to see me. I really wasn't ready for that yet, I don't know why...little gun shy I suppose. Finally, we went out on a date and have been together ever since. It's been 2 yrs now. We have got along great and still do, but for the past 2 months she has seemed depressed and at times sick. She doesn't ever initiate sex and most the time rejects it. I try to love her and be there for her but she isn't very excepting of my offerings. She'd rather read a book, or watch T. V. shhh so I need to be quiet. I'm a very loving boyfriend. I have a sense of humor. I'm not controlling and I think I'm pretty smart when it comes to people. But it just boggles my mind how all of the sudden I get no love.

I feel starved for love, and she feels trapped. She has mentioned her past, feeling neglected at times (she has divorced parents). She also of course acknowledges her depression. She says she is going to get back on her meds. And mentioned wanting to possibly see a counselor again. She knows I cannot help her. I let her know I feel neglected by her. She agrees I do not deserve being mistreated in such a way. I let her know how much pain I've gone through by her not loving me and not really being able to love her. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. That it will take a little time for her to get herself right. I told her she is free to do as she wants. If she needs out she can go, but she didn't like that idea. She says she thought about me for 7 yrs (after our 2yr relationship) so that must mean something! She's torn or just very confused and depressed on top of being sick. (cold flu)

So, at this stage she still seems to be concentrated more on herself. She seems a little down and just dealing with her depression. She has made obvious attempt at loving me more. She is less argumentative, and friendlier when she speaks. However she still isn't ready for sex. We haven't had sex in a couple months and she said she has no urge. She says eventually she will but doesn't know when.

This can be the beginning of the end for us, or it can make us stronger and closer and help pave the way for a healthier, loving relationship.

I'm just not sure which way it's headed right now so it's a confusing time for both of us. I believe the depression has her confused and feeling pain. But it's also affecting myself in the very same way, just differently. Know what I mean? It's just tough.

I do have a positive attitude and I think things will work out. We have had a long tough winter with being sick off and on and ...oh ...by the way, our shifts are completely off. So we only really spend any time with each other on the weekends sometimes only Sundays because of work on Saturdays. This was also another reason for our slumping relationship the 2nd time around.

I would like to hear some of your opinions.

Thanks for your patience...I should write a book huh. lol

Thanks Again!

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Hey I was just reading this and I think you have a great chance of staying together it just needs some help

Talaniman

That last comment was a bit general. Care to elaborate? By the way, my computer broke down so had to get a new one. Took me a few days.

Anyway how you doing... I'm doing better so far.

Thanks for your help!

Hey Tiger, I just think I'm sensing a lack of involvement into what she does away from the house, as you could learn loads from her interactions, with others and I also think it's a good way to show her you care by having fun, and get out of the thinking too much mode, and actually interacting someplace other than home. If you think your intruding, just remember the burden your schedules puts on your time together. Its also important that you interact with her friends, or group as you put it. The more good quality time you to have the better, especially in fun relaxing situations.

Hi all! Hope everything's good there, it's OK here. We had a little talk the other day and everything is good. I mean, we are getting along and have been for several days in a row now and, that's usually not the problem anyway... we normally get along. But she still doesn't want sex and says she has no sex drive. At night, she lets the dogs on the bed and she NEVER wanted the dogs on the bed. This is a technique she's been using I believe so that she doesn't have to "worry" about having sex. It's been nearly 3 months now and it's still just very confusing. I asked her if she has no sex drive then why were we having sex every other night or at least 2 times a week. And it's slowly gotten worse. She just shrugged her shoulders. Before this span of nearly 3 months without sex, there was a span of 2 months with only having sex maybe once or twice tops. So in the past 5 months we've only had sex 2 or 3 times. She has got to understand what she's doing. I find it hard to believe she would want to do this to me deliberately. But everything else is doing OK here, I still don't understand sometimes but I guess for now I can "be patient" like I've been. Because the only other option I'm not quite ready to pursue(breaking up).

Thoughts?

I would say if you're at the point where you're willing to push sexual fulfillment to the back of the bus and let all your other relationship successes (I hope there are a LOT of them) suffice, then you can make that choice. It is your sex life.

An unfortunate situation to be in since you two aren't even married! You're back-burning sex while still in the courting phase. Ouch! Once or twice a YEAR sounds like where you are headed... maybe even less than THAT, if you stay with her forever.

And the truth is she DOES have a sex drive, you just don't fire up that engine any more for her. If someone comes along that really revs her motor up, you are going to be in quite a pickle. You'll have a gal who is sexually activated again and still not interested in you, and/or you'll have a cheating gf/wife.

This really isn't stuff you should be ignoring. The behavior you're getting this late in your dating relationship is a reliable MILD version of what to expect in marriage.

Can you see yourself living with the loss of your sex life forever? You love her enough for that? If you do, you can't punish her later for it, YOU are agreeing to this.

Good observation. I somewhat agree because those are some of my general fears. But If we've talked about it and she understands how I feel but says she needs more time, and I told her I'd try to be more patient... then how much more patient can I be? What do I do, tell her she has a week to get naked or else? On the negative side, something tells me she's just holding out for the vacation, then after that she'l let things get worse so then I'l finally want to break up with her. So SHE doesn't have to do the breaking so she won't feel so guilty. On the other hand, I was frustrated with her the other morning... mainly frustrated with "things" and it was early and I was a little snotty towards her but nothing attacking or anything. Stuff that she does a lot, and I do very little. This upset her I guess because after she got home from work she was mad. Didn't want to talk and so I finally got it out of her she was upset how I treated her earlier. She said she was sick to her stomach all day at work because of that. So, I know she loves me but I don't understand the actual cause for her actions or inactions. I'm the one that plans stuff. Hey lets do this, lets do that. Something tells me I should just mirror her actions. Although it's tough to do that because I work a shift that doesn't support an actual life! Oh, another reason she could be "holding off" or waiting for "the end" is because she has no place to live other than here, and maybe she's working on that. I don't know. She's very secretive and to herself. Sometimes I just want to pretend she's just a roommate and go do whatever I want, but then that wouldn't be supporting her. I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who is waiting for the vacation to see how that goes and to see if it's worth sticking around? I don't know. But for a girl who gets pissed off when you do the very smallest thing wrong, who can't love someone when they are genuine, it's very bothersome to think that maybe she just needs a jerk? Maybe then she'l have some sex?

Well, I'm fine considering the negative thoughts... I feel that soon this will be headed in the right direction. Probably soon after our trip we'l have a good idea of where this is going. And in all actuallity, it's up to her... but it's something we're both going to have to go through... good or bad. I have a feeling though, that if I indeed break-up with her sometime... that she will go out and have fun and all that but at some point will have the urge again to have sex with me. But that will probably be to little too late. Relationships suck.

What kind of meds was she on, and what has her doctor said? The more you talk (Write) The more curious I get over her health, especially with the mention of depression, meds, and drinking with friends. Alcohol is a depressant, and should not be mixed with some medications and is a red flag in people suffering from depression. Any info you can give would be appreciated.

No, relationships don't have to suck. You sitting around and getting nothing but kudos for being nice, that sucks. Pouring all your attention into someone who CLEARLY isn't all that gung-ho about the two of you, that sucks.

You know what's going on, you're pushing the truth aside and resorting to "hope"... or what my pastor calls "dumb hope"... usually the result of "dumb love"... love that ignores reality and "bears all things".

Read your last post to yourself as if you hadn't written it. Really try to read it clearly. Do you see the hopelessness of this situation the way I can see it? You are not her pet, she is not in charge of your relationship. You get to choose, too.

I guess I believe you deserve more than you do. This isn't about love. I love my dog and HE can't fulfill all my needs, though he can fetch my slippers.

You have SO many things distracting you from the NOW decision (vacation together coming up, living together... another really bad situation). So now that things may really be ending with her, since she lives there you can't "call it off" without making your home life even more miserable. You can't look FORWARD to this awesome vacation coming up because you are determined to take your sexless date with you. Awesome plan.

I'm no fan AT ALL of living together, and premarital sex I observe to be a loser activity, too. Feels good, but mucks up the whole dating process. But you seem to find it important, but not enough to actually do anything about it for you.

I have no idea how to get through to you. You are completely stuck in "waiting mode" and hoping she's going to magically regain her libido. I am truly sad for you, more so because you could get out of this whole thing, you just won't.

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You can't look FORWARD to this awesome vacation coming up because you are determined to take your sexless date with you. Awesome plan.

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It might be different, if they weren't living together.

Talaniman:
What kind of meds was she on, and what has her doctor said? The more you talk (Write) The more curious I get over her health, especially with the mention of depression, meds, and drinking with friends. Alcohol is a depressant, and should not be mixed with some medications and is a red flag in people suffering from depression. Any info you can give would be appreciated.
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Well, she's tried numerous kinds of depression medications. She wants ones that won't make her hungry, don't have side effects, are more affordable, so she has switched off and on over the years. I think she is taking prozac now. She doesn't drink that often. Lots of times when she goes out she only drinks water or tea. She may drink once or twice a month and has either wine or a few mixed drinks. She commented about wanting to get some counseling but she hasn't taken that step yet. She seems to be trying to make things work, but of course no sex or anything like that.

She has mentioned to me she thinks she may be bi-polar, but all she's been diagnosed with is depression. It just seems to be not so complicated. Regardless of depression. I've seen her happy recently. I have heard her jolly on the phone out with her friends. When it's a situation that we could be close... then her attitude changes. She'l bring up something about the house. Or the dog pissed on the carpet. If she loves me, all she has to do is show it. Seems so easy.

I am proactive in my own happiness. It's just that possibly my intentions are warped. I see what you guys are saying, and I understand that looking at it from your point of view can paint different pictures. Obvious pictures to you. But those pictures have been varied from good to bad, or from us getting through this or not, from various people on here.

JBeaucaire, you stated that I could get out of this but won't. You're right in a way, however I was more than willing to get out of it a couple weeks ago when her and I had a talk. She told me she didn't want this, and said she felt trapped. I said that if that's how she feels then she needs to realize I'm not holding her hostage to any relationship. I said the doors are unlocked... she can leave freely any time she wants. And if she didn't want to be with me then that's just the way it is. It's okay, just be honest. She says she DOES want to be with me. Okay. She shows it in many ways, but in many ways she doesn't. She obviously has some type of trust issue, where she doesn't like to get too close with people. I look back and can see either her x's or past friends she just pushed away. I think she is aware of this but I brought it to her attention a couple weeks ago. So, what she is doing is something she'l probably do again unless she gets some counseling and learns how to deal with it. I on the other hand, have allowed myself to be hurt, and rejected the past 5 or 6 months. She was sick in-between there for a month and of course I tried helping her through her flu's and signus infections and all that. Did a bunch for her. I honestly feel she loves me and that she may not find a guy like me. And I said that meaning a guy that is so patient with her, and truly loves her and wants her to be happy. I think she sees that, but just because she can see that doesn't mean that's what she wants. Maybe she feels she doesn't deserve that? All I know is I've been very strong throughout all of this. I have had a time or two that I wanted to give in and just cry but my future is bright. Regardless of any bumps in the road, I'l get through. I know I will, but I feel like I'm giving her a little bit longer to hopefully make things work and then soon... I'm guessing early May, we will have a good'ol sit-down. Hopefully, things work out, but I'm willing to wait this out a bit longer. Also, I'd be for her moving out and us still being together. It will all happen as God has chosen and no matter what I'll have my chin up.

The frist time we dated, she was so needy. Had to be around me 24/7. She'd get mad if I didn't see her one night of the week. I worked 60 hrs a week. She didn't have a car. I did all the work it felt like. I tried being there for her, and then she'd get more n more upset with me because I wanted to hang out with friends over her. Even though I saw her 5 days a week about. Anyway, we were younger then, 20 and 18 or something. She went to school and we soon after broke-up. NOW, she is everything BUT needy. She vowed to me that she wouldn't be that way because she had been through relationships since me and understands what it's like. But has her true feelings really changed since then or just her actions? Don't know. But it's crazy the difference between then and now. She needs to be somewhere between needy and independent, for lack of a better word. Now here we are, several years later. And she sits at home all alone, while I'm at work in the evenings. She works days, so we don't really see each other until the weekend. I feel like I miss her all the time, and I think she may feel that way too, but she could be taking it out on me. She gets depressed when she's alone. I have a chance at getting a day shift job, but it might be 6 months or so from now. She wanted me to get a dayshift job so bad so we could be together more. Now, it's as if she doesn't care anymore because she's "used to it". I know a lot of what's going on now is because we don't get to see each other that often. Shed used to wait up for me and say hi and chit chat for a couple minutes before she went to sleep. Now, she wakes up, or is laying in bed and see's that I'm home and doesn't even say hello half the time. Never tries to hug me or say she missed me. Just a drastic change from what seems like years ago, but has been about 7 or 8 months ago. Maybe she is subconsciously taking her pain or depression out on me because I'm not there with her. I don't know, but I love this girl and we've been through a lot, so I don't want to just give up with how everything is going now. Sometimes things are tough... but I will not run away. I will however make the best decision for myself when I feel the time has come. As for now, I'm trusting her in what she says to me. That she loves me and wants to be with me. But her problem is with her, and I'm the lucky one that wants to deal with it a tad longer to see if maybe we can both work things out. God has a plan for us, we just don't know if it's for us to be together or not... only time will tell.

Thanks for your help. It's good to have people who'l take the time to listen and offer advice.

Thanks again!

I wonder if she has the same back and forth, insecure feelings that you have??

Possibly. We were having a good day the other day and we were talking about something and she jokingly said unless you cheat on me. So, obviously she had to think that in order to say it. She knows I'd never, but she's probably got a thought somewhere in the back of her mind that uderstands the possibility. Otherwise, to me... she would not have said it. But of course it was just a joke.

I just don't feel we've had enough time to be together. When you see your girlfriend only on Saturday and Sunday, that's just 2 days a week, x 52 weeks. That's 104 days out of the 365 Calendar year. On avg. that's about how often we see each other. There for awhile I had to work Saturday nights as well. She is up now, exercising, then cleaning up and rushing to work. I should be in bed but the bass is thumping and I can't sleep.

But, what do I know... I'm just a guy that loves his girlfriend, and can't seem to get

It seems to me guy, you have two choices, either accept her shortcomings and work together to resolve your issues, or split. Your main issue is lack of sex, and usually that's a symptom of some problems in other areas of the relationship. (maybe you have different sex drives) , but the onus is on you to find out what it is, and resolve it to the benefit of you both. I think work schedules has a part to play in this, and your unwillingness to participate, at least sometimes, in her life and recreation, has a part in it. Schedules aside, I notice that besides this upcoming cruise, you don't seem to party with your female, or have any fun together. What's up with that? I also question your being proactive or helpful in meeting, or understanding her medical needs either. What's the scoop on that?

Talaniman:
It seems to me guy, you have two choices, either accept her shortcomings and work together to resolve your issues, or split. Your main issue is lack of sex, and usually that's a symptom of some problems in other areas of the relationship. (maybe you have different sex drives) , but the onus is on you to find out what it is, and resolve it to the benefit of you both. I think work schedules has a part to play in this, and your unwillingness to participate, at least sometimes, in her life and recreation, has a part in it. Schedules aside, I notice that besides this upcoming cruise, you don't seem to party with your female, or have any fun together. What's up with that? I also question your being proactive or helpful in meeting, or understanding her medical needs either. What's the scoop on that?
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Okay. That's fair enough. What's weird is I don't see the problems. She might but I don't. She also says it's her and not me. That doesn't mean that is so, but it means she should understand how to fix the problem, or at least make things better. I'm fine. I just don't feel as loved as I used to. This according to her is probably because her depression. She never really can explain to me why she feels this way, because I don't think she even knows.

As of now, I'm accepting her shortcomings and dealing with this, with her. However, there will be a point in time where we must part ways if things do not change.

I know you guys only see the words I type, but as far as me not willing to participate, at least sometimes, in her life and recreation, doesn't even exist. From day one I was willing to meet and hang out with her friends and now would consider them friends as well. Some of them are guy friends I hang out with, without her... usually while she's with the girls or something. But you are right in that she does go out to eat or whatever to places while I'm at work, and sometimes she even goes out and has a few drinks, therefore I cannot participate in many activities with her. Many nights she stays home alone and probably gets depressed. That's why she has good days and bad days lately, and of course that affects me somewhat. I know we can work this out, it's just a matter of time, and patience. But we both have to be on the same page, and that day when we can't be, then that day may come, but right now things are OK.

She threw a surprise birthday party for me a couple months ago. We partied then. And a couple weeks ago we went out with my family and drank... ofcourse she was DD. But she can have a good time w/out drinking. We went to superbowl party together. We do stuff. It's just usually we only have one night to go out. Saturday. And at times I've HAD to work Saturday too. Lately we have been ahead of schedule at work so I probably won't be working any overtime. She has mentioned that she may like to get a wii so we are going to hang out at a friends this weekend and play. Several of our friends will be there and it'l be fun. We normally go out to eat on Sunday and either go see a movie or rent one or two. We do have fun. I think things are great except for the fact she is held back or reserved with some of her feelings. It's just odd, and I believe she's hurting more than I am.

As for medication goes, and or her health and my part in it. I have asked her on several occasions what the doctor said, how the medication was treating her, and just little questions like that. She doesn't like to talk about negative stuff that much so she just says, quick answers like: "the doctor just said to try this for awhile and then if it's not working we'l switch to something else" so then I'l ask do you think it's working... she say something like: "well, I've only been on it for a week now and don't really know."

The End. That's another reason I get frustrated at times, is because it's like pulling teeth to get her to even talk about certain things at all. Of course if I change the subject then she'l be more apt to participate in a normal conversation.

Hi all. Well, we had a little talk. I told her how I was feeling and she understands my feelings better. Says she loves me and wants to be with me. She was really sweet. So, basically I feel a lot better about the situation so far, even though we are not out of the woods yet, we are on our way I believe. But it's something you just take day by day I guess. If you look at the overall picture it can get quite overwhelming. Today is a good day. Have a good weekend all.

So... things were good for awhile... she started doing more deliberate things to get to me... anyway... she left! Right before I had to leave for work... like an hour... so that happened July 7th... haven't talk to her since... I was absolutely devastated! I'm doing better now... il get into more details about this soon... but I think she knew she was done awhile back, and tried getting me mad and to break up with her, and instead I said... if you need to move out then il help you... I guess that pissed her off... so she changed her tone... pretended ? I'm not sure that she wanted kids and to get married? Because she did do that.. and things were better... but then for couple months was dragging me through mud.. CHEATED... then left... of course il get into more details l8r.. I have to go to work

Ttyl8r

Edit:

On 2nd thought... im taking today and tomorrow off lol hehe...

Wow, some of the stuff that has been discussed on here in the past... relating to my ex girlfriend and I had slipped my mind... because we trned things around... had I mentioned to you all... that she told me she wanted kids... recently like... april and may... and that I said that's cool but not now.. but like in a year or so... and we would have to at least be engaged... well, we talked about it off and on... and finally decided on our plans for a kid and engagement... engagement by next spring... and then try for kid and set wedding date for 2 yrs l8r... anyway... we seemed happy... she was happier, I was happier... things were going good... but the last 2 mnths or so.. leading up to July 7th when we broke up... or SHE left me... she was very distant... and withdrawn... before I knew it she left...

Wow... the pain I had was tough... was the most pain I've ever felt... I felt like I poured my heart out to this girl... and she sucked me dry... and rubbed it in... wow.. anyway... she really really burned the bridge good this time... and I would hate her so bad if I didn't love her so much... im moving on... trying to at least... I cannot understand why she would do this... I didn't feel as if I did anything to piss her off... but it seems as if I did... not sure.. but I do know she was flirting with a dude in front of me... at my own house... and that he knew about me and my girlfriend... and already knew she wanted to kick it with him or wanted "out" so to speak... because I could see it in his words and actions.. and that he liked her.. and she liked him... that was 6 weeks before she ended it between us... after the fact, I found out she had been hanging out at his house... but I know that at least 4 weeks before we broke up she went to one of his pool parties... anyway... I'm done for now.. would like to hear some of your thoughts... its been so damn tough... why couldn't she just be honest.. was she really that mad because I said.. ok, if you want to move out... il help you?.

I wish no pain like that on anybody... but I think us being apart is all for the better... I still have a whole bunch to talk aboutl, I hope some of you are willing to listen and offer advice... I need it!!

Also... she said certain things off and on.. kind of out of the blue in a way... that almost told me exactly what she was going to do.. im serious.. as fkn weird or sick as it may seem... I can feel it in my gut and so far all the negative I felt in my gut... has happened or is true! I'm sure some of the positive is too... but man... I feel as if not only did she do a 360... from talks of kids and marriage... to basically giving up and not only that, moving on for 2 months or so... and the last month... that was BAD... and she was talking to other guys... flashing on a houseboat... I was AT WORK... all the damn time... 2nd shift didn't do this.. im not saying that... but it sure helped this progression... regardless if I trusted her or not, she was going to do whatever... because she did! I am less hurt by breaking up, than I am by the way she treated me... absolutely uncalled for... pointless... not only did it hurt me... but what she did and had been doing has got to be weighing on her mind... ive actually seen her once since we split... we tlked for maybe 10 minutes... I mean... I TALKED for maybe 10 minutes... she couldn't hardly look me in the eyes... and she had sunglasses on... she looked VERY guilty... so she has to live with it, not me... but wow... all the good I've done for her... and poured my heart out... and she does this... its sick... and I can't seem to get over that part... not the fact we broke up.. because I was willing to break up if she didn't want to do this... and I think that pissed her off, so she faked wanting kids and marriage to get me involved more or whatever.. sprung?. then messed around and left... and oh... she wasn't nice about it either! But.. she has her story too, its just not being told from her... she don't talk to me.. anyway.. I got a bunch to talk about if anyone is listening

I'm serious guys... this girl is evil.. and quite frankly... I think she does need counseling, but not for the reasons I previously thought... I could never be that cruel... not even if I was mad enough, because... I've been bad at times about this, but I don't act on it... I don't talk about her... I don't talk to her friends about it... if they mention anything I just go with it... and never talk bad.. I let other people do that for me... her friends give me props for how I've treated her even though she dragged me through the mud like she did... they don't know how I can be nice.. or.. not even that, but NOT be mad and talk...

Its as if I still want closure.. the thing is.. I can't look for it... I won't find it... its all within myself... but I'm still trying to look elsewhere for it... its tough... my mind says I'm done with her.. just move on and ignore the whole mess... if I see her.. not to acknowledge.. if she says hi... maybe say hi and move on... no point in tlkin.. its not going anywhere but DOWN... and I can't fish for answers.. she won't give me none anyway.

Then my heart says... be the good guy you know you are... be there for her if she needs you... maybe she'l wake up and realize she made a mistake... but trusting her will be tough but anythings possible right?. and I miss her more and more, and I'm hurt more and more as the days add up...

I've had nightmares... bad dreams... im serious this was so devastating to me that I have been traumatized to an extent, I don't know how bad, but il tell you this... everyday when I wake up.. I have to realize that all this is true and that it happened... and it hurts all over again... I can't get it out of my damn head and I feel as if I need to see a counselor sometimes... as far as outward actions, I'm good... doing real good... but my feelings and emotions sometimes take a backseat... lately anyway because its been 6 weeks or so... I feel I need to quit talkn about it for my friends and family's sake... plus I feel stupid for loving her so much.. and don't want her thinking I'm this or that... she/s


She is more controlling than I ever had realized.. and self centered. And for someone to be as self centered as she is, and for someone to be as unselfish as I am... how on earth is she ever going to be happy... im dead serious... im not being conceited either.. I know there are plenty of guys and people patient as me and giving... I gave.. and waited to get... I never got... and she took off... but not before she made sure to bring a guy over to my house while I was at work, and was still there when I got home... but.. supposedly they didn't "do anything"... other people were there and all that and I'm sure they didn't that night... but it was 6 weeks before we split and that's a lot of time to... not have confided in the m'fr.

I got to go, I vented pretty good for now

p.s. ~ and I know this crap happens alllll the time.. and with people who have kids... but now I understand the pain... but think GOD we are done now, rather than bringing kids into this... I feel horrible about just splitting the dogs up... wouldve really been bad for the kids... and I've had a good upbringing... that helps with my perspective... but she hasn't and that doesn't help with hers