Ask Me Help Desk - Serious problems - should I put up with her partying/drinking?

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Originally Posted by asking

Craig,
I am really sorry I came on so strong the other day.

You are totally right that I don't know if you are controlling.

Of course, I agree with you that your gf shouldn't be going out and getting drunk. It's not harmless fun; it's bad for the brain and the rest of the body and the things people do when they are drunk and supposedly not responsible for their behavior are hurtful to others and often dangerous. I think all or at least most of us agree with you. But just because someone loves you doesn't mean they have to agree, no matter how reasonable your opinion. I wish it were the other way, believe me, but my experience is that when two people have seriously conflicting values, no amount of love can make them agree. And threatening to leave (or anything else) doesn't really work either.

I guess that we got this a bit wrong.. the word agree might not be the most suitable to use. I feel that the case is more that it really hurts me that she fail to realize the importance of her drinking, she might not understand really what she puts me through those nights of worrying when she's out. I don't think she completely understands me and why her drinking is ruining the relationship between us. I don't think that if she "agrees" with me or not is the most important thing - I want her to understand it. If she understood it and still felt no need to change, then I'm obviously not as important as her drinking and clubbing, nor is she interested in saving "us".

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Originally Posted by asking

I don't know how else to put this. It's your idea that she “should” that's the brick wall that you (and I) just can't get past.

So—I am in a similar situation. People on this list have repeatedly told me to break up with my bf, which I just did, at last, about three hours ago. So I'm a bit rattled right now. I saw this coming, and I think that's why my letter on Friday was too strong.

I have the same ideas about my own boyfriend as you have about your gf—that if he loved me and valued our relationship he would agree with me that he should not still be going out with other women, romancing them—even if he doesn't actually sleep with them and even if he insists the dates are not romantic. To me, he's not showing respect for me or his relationship to me. But no matter how much I try to explain that his constant flirtations make me feel humiliated and hurt, he does not agree with me that extracurricular dating is bad for our relationship.

He feels instead that I'm nagging him and trying to control him, that I am making unreasonable demands on him, that his “girl space friends,” as he likes to call them, are harmless. He needs to rationalize them because they are, like alcohol, a way he has of making himself feel better. I have been trying to make him give up something that is really valuable to him. In other words, I have been trying to control him, or at least pressuring him to control something he doesn't want to. In return, he finds little ways of punishing me, little digs at me personally or guilt tripping me about how difficult I supposedly am. So we are neither of us very happy.

Oh, I'm really sorry, first off I must say.. what a jerk.. really! What guy in their right mind would do such a thing to someone he loves? I can't believe he has the nerves to actually say to you that:
"You are trying to control me and it's unreasonable to have the demand on me that I don't take other women out."
I mean.. come on, that's really mean to you! If he loved you with all his heart he would NOT need to romance or go out with other women for some "special space time" or what ever. He would dedicate all his love towards you when he felt affectionate instead of needing other women!

Maybe it is some issue he has about himself and his self-esteem? He needs constant approval by other women because he feels bad about himself for some reason? I might not be on to anything, just my two cents. :)

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Originally Posted by asking

I also think that when I threaten to leave him, it makes him feel that he needs these other women more. So I am guessing that when you threaten to leave your gf, it makes her feel like drinking more, not less—partly because she wants to prove she is in control of herself, not you, and partly to console herself about the prospect of losing you. That's why the desire to stop drinking has to come from her, frustrating as that is.

My feeling that if my bf really loved me he would agree with me has got us exactly nowhere. He just tells me he does agree and then does whatever he likes. I don't know why he thinks I won't notice. :)

You may be right, there could be a connection between us "demanding our unreasonable" things to them (:rolleyes: ) and them just wanting to do it to us even more to prove their righteousness. However, what other option do we have? I can't go on like it is and still keep my loving feelings for her as it hurts me too much.

You (and I) are saying it the wrong way - it really isn't about his "agreeing", it's about him facing the cold fact that:
He is taking other women out for attention/approval (the list of reasons could be very long) and you are very hurt by it (which you absolutely should be!) - Now if he does not see and understand that then what is there to do? I don't want agreement from my girlfriends side, I want her to understand the problem and from that point seeing that her drinking + our relationship doesn't have a very bright future, if any future at all. Theoretically I want her mind thinking "Damn, I really hurt him when I go out and get really drunk just to have fun, he won't take this for very much longer and if I love him I must change! Like that will ever happen :p

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Originally Posted by asking

Exactly. My point was only that she already told you she won't change. That leaves splitting up. It's just really hard to split up. It's easier to keep trying to give the other person another chance to change, especially when they say sweetly that they love you and want to change, hoping you'll stay. I think Ash has some lessons on splitting up. Those might be worth looking at.

Yes.. this may be the only way :( If it was up to my brain I'd give her a thousand chances but my heart hurts too much to stay in this relationship :(

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Originally Posted by asking

Apologies again for my earlier letter being overly strong. I didn't mean that you were like your gf's father, only that she may be reacting to you that way.

It's scary to see someone being that self destructive. A lot of people here have said heavy drinking and partying is normal for teens, just a "phase," but while it may be common, it's not healthy or safe. You might want to let her parents or some other older adults know what she is doing. It sounds like she needs help.

No problem, I totally understand, no hard feelings. I know many teens who drinks more frequently but it really disturbs me.. I've also partied a bit when I was her age and you still thought it was fun to experiment a bit with alcohol but I've grown up, and I can't sit around wasting my time waiting for her to come around.(Which she totally might not even do!) Her parents know, I think it's really just a phase she goes through just like many others but I can't see how me and her could stay together with this problem..

I'm proud of you for being to strong to walk away from him, you obviously did the right thing as it's in no way OK with his extracurricular dating on the side.
Best wishes, stay strong and I wish you all a Happy new year!