Ask Me Help Desk - Yet another woman has "reached her potential"

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Do you EVER get over your first real love?

Yes eventually. Just so you know though, they will haunt you forever. I'm 54, and still get those thoughts of yesteryear. Sometimes they are stronger than other times. Be patient with yourself, and let time be your healer. I think you are trying to avoid the pain of healing, but going backward, is an easier, softer way to deal with that pain, and accomplishes NOTHING. Letting yourself grow, and learning how to deal with your own feelings, and emotions, will reap benefits, skills, and experience, that will be with you the rest of your life. You just can't see it through the pain yet. You will! Don't quit on yourself.

If you don't feel like you can put your heart into this new relationship then take yourself out of it, you are not being fair to the other girl who you are dating. No one can tell you if you should go back with the ex, we can only give opinions. In the end you make your own decisions, and I think you want someone to agree or tell you to go for your ex, so that you can have reason to go there once again. You really don't need anyone validation, go with what you feel. Because you have to learn from your choices, If you must go there again just don't have high expectations.. and be careful...

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Originally Posted by buzzin

I've been seeing a new girl for about 6 weeks. She is nice and we get along well, but I can't keep but thinking about my ex. I end up comparing everything to her. About once a week I have a sad night where I think about my ex and allowing her to move back with me. Do you EVER get over your first real love? Should I just give in and get her back? She says she made a mistake and wants to come back. I just don't know if I'll ever meet another woman that I will have the same strong feelings for. The new girl is nice, but I'm definitely not "in love."

Hey there buzzin! Six weeks is not enough time to know how you feel about this new girl, I doubt. No, I don't think one ever gets over their first real love. As we mature and time passes, we still remember that "special" time of love and how it felt but the reality of going back, generally is not productive.

However, you may need to go through the pain that she has caused you time after time, ONE MORE TIME, before you are able to make the decision that you don't want to allow that anymore. Her track record for hurting you is extreme. I would reread all of your posts if I were you and relive the pain that each departure caused you before you make a decision.

You need to do whatever you can live with. The memories of what you had with her when things were good is all you seem to dwell on. Maybe you need another dose of reality with her. Choose well. The new girl you are now seeing, who may have so much to offer to your life and you to hers may not be around later. Best to you.

Thanks for the insight. I guess you're right about letting go and moving on, I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision. I noticed myself that lately I am dwelling on the good things in our relationship instead of the bad. I made a top 10 list of bad things, but I tend to overlook them now. I think maybe I'm worried that I won't ever find another woman that I'll feel as strongly for. I guess I miss being in love!

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Originally Posted by buzzin

Thanks for the insight. I guess you're right about letting go and moving on, I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision. I noticed myself that lately I am dwelling on the good things in our relationship instead of the bad. I made a top 10 list of bad things, but I tend to overlook them now. I think maybe I'm worried that I won't ever find another woman that I'll feel as strongly for. I guess I miss being in love!

Good Morning buzzin! I think you put it well in saying "I guess I miss being in love". You will fall in love again but in a healthier relationship. It won't happen as long as you keep fantasizing about this girl who has hurt you so many times and walked away. No one will ever measure up to your memories of her as long as you tend to only remember the times that made you feel loved, happy and content. I fell in love at a young age. I know he and I would have never made it as a married couple. I dated before him but he was my first "real love". I love my husband with a deep, abiding love, however, if I allow myself to think of the other guy, it brings forth feelings I had then so I do my best not to think of him. My husband has proven his love over and over through the years. I broke up with my first love and it was difficult not to go back with him. I have to have trust in a relationship or I will not be in that relationship. On my wedding day, he sent a telegram (which should tell you how many years ago that might have been! LOL He was on the football practice field and ran to the telegram office.) It said he still loved me and asked me not to get married.

Since we ran with a large group of friends, we know the same people in town and when I see him at city events or funerals of friends parents, etc. it tugs at my heart. I have been married now soon to be 38 years in June, have two children and five grandchildren. I love my husband and we hunt together, fish together, travel together, he helps me with my mother who has dementia and he is a great father and grandfather. I know he was the one that God intended for me to spend my life with because I prayed about it before marrying him and knew then as I still know to this day. I know I have also been good for him in his life. I knew I had a lot to offer in a relationship. My husband needed the positives I had and have to offer just as I needed what he offers to our relationship.

I still do think of the other guy at times and will probably from time to time. When a thought comes to my mind, I cast it down and get busy with other things. I only share this story that is so private, in this open forum to drive the point home I guess that we sometimes never see an end to the feelings we might have for a person. If they are toxic to us, we have to love and respect ourselves enough to move on and do what is healthy for us. I am so thankful for my life I have with my husband. The love I have for my husband is a deep, healthy, long lasting love. That is not to say we have not had our rough spots or disappointments, anger at times, sadness, etc. but through it all, he has been steadfast in my life. Please give yourself a chance for future happiness by choosing well. It takes discipline for us not to dwell on thoughts at times but it is paramount in securing a happy future.

As a footnote so to speak: I never regret my choice or wish I had chosen differently. That is not to say, I have never wondered about the "what if's" but I chose well and it was a good choice. If I had it to do over again, I would still chose to walk away from a person who I could not trust and would chose my husband over all the guys I had ever dated.

Buzzin, I feel like I just opened up my soul to you and millions of others and am feeling a bit vulnerable for having done so. I just know the rewards of choosing well and want that for you and others also.

I have felt the same way, a few times. But 30 years later I'm more than happily married. You can see my "letter to the exes" where I have thanked them all for dumping me, because I eventually ended up with my true soul mate, and have babies, and grand babies, and no regrets. That doesn't mean every now and then, those exes don't haunt my thoughts, and days of past loves, don't lead to those wistful sighs, of good memories. They do. Still I wouldn't go back for all the gold in the world. You'll see.

Dear, we all have cried over spilled milk in our lives. But we also have had our joys and will always have our memories. That's what makes us who we are.

Even though I am alone now, but a very happy mother and grandmother, I have had wonderful men in my life who I will love till I take my last breath. The only mistakes I made were to keep my ex-husband too long, and to stay with my current ex-boyfriend until he threw me out because I have cancer. So, you see, we all go on that rollercoaster - sometimes not by choice, but it happens to us all. (they were both control freaks and abusers - I just realized it too late)

You will do fine, and you too will have your good memories and grow stronger and be more selective so that you will gain the chance to really be happy with your future choices.

Keep us posted and best wishes in your healing process!

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JREBEL7 - Thanks for opening up. Believe it or not, it is helpful to have some insight from someone with more experience and a different perspective based on where they are in life. So you basically had to make a choice to not see your ex anymore, even though you may still have had strong feelings. It almost sounds like you conditioned yourself to suppress those feelings when they arose.

CHERY - Thanks for sharing your experiences. The fact that someone through you out because you got cancer is just crazy! If nothing else it at least showed you his true colors.

TALANIMAN - I only hope I have such a positive outlook like you do later in life. Hopefully I can look back on all this and realize it was for the best and I ended up with the person I was meant to all along.

Well I've been feeling more and more like I miss my ex, so when I spoke to her I told her she could move back in. The next day I changed my mind and decided I wanted to give her a second chance, but that she would have to move back to the same city as me and get her own place (with roommates or whatever if it makes it easier to afford). I told her I would help her get on her feet here and find a place that is dog friendly, etc. Hopefully this puts the ball back in her court and puts the decision on her. I just can't see her moving back in my house and becoming a mooch. I think she pretty much takes the easy route all the time. When she lived with me she worked about 15 hours per week and was always broke and asking me to help pay for things. She never paid any rent or bills. It was stressful having to be responsible for her. I would really like to give her a second chance but I can't have a monkey on my back holding me down either. So my compromise was offering to help her find her own place here so we could date and see how things went and EASE back into the relationship. I don't think she's going to do it because its difficult to have to pay your own rent and move in with roommates you don't know, etc.

I also came up with a list of 20 qualities I want in my perfect woman. She was missing a few (financially responsible, healthy, etc). Logically I see this as a problem, but I feel like maybe I won't find someone better and I should accept her flaws and look past them.

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch TV until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(

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Originally Posted by buzzin

I also came up with a list of 20 qualities I want in my perfect woman. She was missing a few (financially responsible, healthy, etc). Logically I see this as a problem, but I feel like maybe I won't find someone better and I should accept her flaws and look past them.

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch tv until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(

There is nothing wrong with listing what you look for in a mate, as long as they are realistic. You shouldn't let loneliness blind you to the point where you are willing to "take things as they are" and work hard everyday to overlook something you don't want. Instead of looking for the perfect woman, how about you continue being the best man you can be, then the right woman can see. There is nothing wrong with internet dating, it doesn't make you a looser, your just expanding your options. Marketing yourself... Have you tried going to Jazz events, poetry, artistic expression events. Perhaps, doing something that makes you feel happy. Enroll at a college, take up a class. You are a single man! Solitude is the perfect oppurtunity for you right now! You can do anything you Want. You don't have to go to a bar/club smoke, and drink. Take a course do something you always wanted to do. Change your look cut your hair. Feel good about yourself. Once you achieve that Self love, you will realize that "Wow I am a great guy" I am going to make someone happy one day. The best things come to those who wait.. those who are patient. Those who really want it.. Don't settle for the ex, and take her back because you fear to be lonely, and you know that she needs you for financial stability is that what you really want?

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Once you achieve that Self love, you will realize that "Wow I am a great guy" I am going to make someone happy one day.

Had to spread the rep, again, but your so right. As we love ourselves, and make ourselves happy with who, we will find someone to share that happiness with. Throw the list away until then.

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Originally Posted by buzzin

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal

No, never settle for anything less then what you want. You should never have to settle for less in any situation. You get what you want, and she is not what you want. You're trying to believe she is what you want, she's not.

There is nothing wrong with using the internet to find someone. There have been plenty of couples who have found love on eharmony and many other dating sites.

You also said that "I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision." You're going to do that anyway no matter what. There will always be that "I wish I did this" or "what if I did that instead."

Just don't settle for anything less then what you want. If you do then there will be a lot of resentment.

Settling for less than you want, will bite you in the butt later. Just have a life you enjoy until "she" comes along.
The fear of lonliness, or being alone, is a lousy excuse to settle.

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Originally Posted by buzzin

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch tv until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(

You don't know what's out there, some might even be better than the 'mooch'.

Also, as far as I know, most restaurants don't allow smoking anymore, and you can order a gingerale in a wine glass, or soda with lemon while having a nice meal and looking around for a couple of girls you can meet. And, I'm sure you take your dogs to a park or out for long walks and there are certainly women dog owners who do the same. So these are no excuses...

You are just fearful of taking that first step in meeting someone new and maybe being rejected - but this happens to all of us and we keep on trying. That's what life is all about - not giving up, and taking risks to reach better goals. You don't need to 'search or find' anyone right away, just start a routine that gives you a chance to see if you can handle being in public by yourself with your dogs and look around for a while - time will help you in feeling when it is right to approach and get to know someone. Watch the eyes and body signals - it just might surprise you.

So, stop making excuses and start living.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif As a boss of mine used to say ''Suck it up'' and look forward.
Oh, that list of qualities... you might change them as you grow and maybe list your own and see what woman might be looking for in you too. Being maudlin and making excuses are not qualities I would look for in a man.