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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Sometimes you have to let people go so that they come back of their own accord, trying to force her (what i mean hear is by trying to make her feel guilty etc..) will only have a negative impact. I have no doubt that she misses you but be realistic, she broke up with you and is seeing other people...... It hurts you to see her with someone else because its being rejected. I mean, you know her best, if you called her to have a chat and started being friends with her maybe she would change her mind about the relationship...but she might just want to be friends, and then discuss her love life with you...you have to then ask yourself is this something you could deal with?Because thats what it is to be a friend..

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Had to spead the comments again 'kiki', but you're right. It is possible to become friends, good friends that will last forever, as long as we can manage to get rid of the egotistical hurt, and accept and respect the other things we liked about the person to begin with. It takes time to get over the initial hurt, and NC does help you realize a few things about yourself and what you want in a relationship The ego, once salved with other things to do will wake you up and tell you it's OK to be friends and not want more, and share a whole life of fun, memories, and other friends.
That's what life and friends are all about.

TIME is the best medicine for getting to learn your motives, forgetting your egotiscital reactions to rejections of many different sorts, and finally realizing humans can share more than just lust or what they currently interpret as 'love' which will disolve as they grow and mature.

Life can be like throwing sand in your face in the sandbox at age 3, and at age 7 building a wonderful castle together at the beach, not even remembering what you were so stupid about in that sandbox so long ago.

Have a happy, and I hope I made some sense here - Emotional Evolution is just as factual as any other evolutionaly stage this world is dealing with.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_5_20.gif

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I'm not sure how to be partly there, not as a friend, and be cordial. It's so damn hard to talk to someone that you two had so much feelings for, but having the situation change. She have her cake and eat it too. It's all or nothing, but need some advice on how to be around her when we do talk. Where it wouldn't push her away, and doesn't say Im a doormat.

The question that Im findind hard to answer is How are you? I could give the blank answer of "Fine", but have a feeling to ask how she thinks I am? I've asked her before how she is, and she says she tries not to think about it. It makes me think that she cares but she's running away from it, her actions show other wise. I don't know why she would think Im doing OK. My feelings haven't changed since the beginning of the break up and we voiced our feelings. I'm feeling as if I'm moving backwards in the process, and think of her even more. This is the most horrible experience I have had to deal with

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You know what?. I think I'm going to get down to basics.
When I was a little younger, I met this Captain in the Army. He was a pilot and was so sexy looking in his flight suit. He was fun at the club, danced well, humorous and bombarded me with gifts. I thought I was in heaven... until one night he took me home, I was feeling romantic, and was sure this was going to work well too. OOPS, my mistake. We kissed.. he puckered his lips like a fish, and that kiss just TURNED ME OFF. There was nothing in the world that he could do to get me into the erotic state. It just did not work out. After that evening, we did not date anymore, but naturally since we were stationed on the same base, went to the same clubs, and saw each other administratively and medically a lot, we still maintained our 'friendship' He has dating a new girl, and I was out doing my thing, and we still are friends today. Twenty years later, I confessed that that kiss of his turned me off, and we both laughed. He found a woman who liked his way of kissing and they are married and have three children. So... it is possible to not mourn over a relationship forever, and to become friends. It just takes common sense and time.

My memories help me have a lot of fun and comfort in my friendships today - you'll be able to identify with this a few years down the road... that's a promise. There are many reasons for not 'fitting' together, but not too many for not being friends if they are woth it.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/F/0/225p.gifhttp://imgfarm.com/images/smileycent...ar_me_talk.gif

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Originally Posted by Matteus

We are guys. You are a guy. Guys are strong. Strong guys have feelings but also they have a wall around them, which makes them unbeatable and untouchable. They are not wussy. Are you getting my point? A wussy, will tell their partner, how in love he is, how down he is after she left him, etc. Common, we have this beauty in us to act like leaders, and to show our animal instict in this game. A female goes after a male! Emotions are for girls, we think with our mind first. Guys are not so vulnerable as girls. Once you show yourself vulnerable, you are losing points. A leader is not vulnerable. A leader takes more than he gives. Are you still getting my point? Now stop being honest, and stop telling her how down you are, how you feel about her,etc. Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together, flirt with her (or every girl you want), be her male and stop being vulnerable and needy.

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Hmm, where do I start? Well as a guy you can only gives a guy's perspective on the above... allow me to enlighten you on a few things. You find two different types of people in this world, the weak and the strong, this is not subjected to gender at all what so ever! You find weak men and women, and also strong men and strong women. A guy telling a woman how much he loves her is not a "wussy" thing to do!! As a woman I love to hear it and I need to hear it, as do men... if you do not express how you feel as a man (unless a boy posing as a man) then I would suggest this is due to a lack of emotional literacy. "Emotions are for girls" was a good one (provocation I think(",) how can women be emotional if our emotions are not being reciprocated? reciprocation is key to the evolution of a relationship, without which one can't be sustained!!
Now dont get me wrong I am not a feminist (well to an extent), I do not believe that men and women should be equal because equality is impossible as we are different, and it is these differences that make women better at some things and men better at others.I do however believe that we should be given equal opportunities in life: same pay as men for the same jobs and we shouldnt be discriminated against: men being promoted over women even though the women may have been the best candidate! This is BS.

"Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together"
Now can I just ask if Need of help if he treated his x badly?will this really bring her back to him, ooh that "make fun of her" trick, yeah Matteus that one works every time!! Need of help will that remind her of the good times? It sounds to me like the worst times I could ever imagine having with someone... DONT TAKE THIS BIT OF ADVICE!! She will probably knock you out!

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

I would suggest this is due to a lack of emotional literacy. "Emotions are for girls" was a good one (provocation I think(",) how can women be emotional if our emotions are not being reciprocated? reciprocation is key to the evolution of a relationship, without which one can't be sustained!!

"Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together"
Now can I just ask if Need of help if he treated his x badly?will this really bring her back to him, ooh that "make fun of her" trick, yeah Matteus that one works everytime!!!Need of help will that remind her of the good times? It sounds to me like the worst times I could ever imagine having with someone......DONT TAKE THIS BIT OF ADVICE!!! she will probably knock you out!

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I can surely attest to the fact that making fun and treating her badly is the worst thing a man can do.

Also counterproductive are not dishing out enough compliments - a girls likes compliments as well as a man. A man likes to hear that his shirt is cool, so does a girl. A gal likes to hear that the new perfume she has on smells good. We also like to know if the new recipe we tried out tasted good without having to ask first. In other words, don't take her for granted, that can be a killer.

As for treating her bad, berate her all day for stupid things you could have kept for yourself, telling her she can't do anything right all day.. . and THEN expect her to be erotic in bed that same night is a taboo. And after yelling at her all day, doing something nice like helping her bring up the laundry does not automatically mean that you'll get sex that night. Two wrongs don't make a right. Another thing, a woman's nose is very sensitive, and if you worked and sweated all day, and only wash up on Saturday, that too is a big turn-off.

So, now guys, you know a little about us women that you should have know already if you were sensitive enough to begin with.

Men, if you can't 'read' your woman, then it's best to talk to her in a caring manner.

Girls are emotional, that's why I like Emoticons to accompany my posts, it's an extra I enjoy using.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_18.gifI said my two-cent's worth.. Good memories are what makes a girl miss you,, so stack them up against those bad memories quick.

I was open about my emotions and feelings toward her. She meant the world to me and I treated her the best I could. I respected her, and gave her everything I could. This is what makes it hard. She knows I'm a nice guy, but I don't want her to think she can come back to me expecting us to be just friends or give the friend thing a shot. I wonder if her suggesting friends is a way to reconnect and may lead to something else. Before anyone tells me that's not the reason to be friends, I know. I don't want to give the friend thing a shot and then be kicked in the friend category. It's not ego getting in the way of being friends. I can't be her friend because it hurts too much.
We have good memories, but how can I bring those up with out sounding like Im pushing her to come back? How can I even talk to here, without going to the friend category? From a girls view, how do you expect your ex to feel after you left him? What does he do or don't do that makes you want him back? I don't want to sound like a 'weak' person wanting her back, but I can't deny I have feelings for her, or at least the person I knew.

Like said earlier, she may just be checking in to see how you are. If you can't deal with her, respond "I'm fine" or don't respond at all.
If she wanted you back, she would let you know

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Originally Posted by needofhelp

My ex broke up with me over a month ago. I'm doing nc and recently she has asked me how I am doing. I didnt answer, and she asked again, in email.

Why is she asking?

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Truth be told I think she is just looking out for your well being. I just broke up with someone and I write and try to talk to them all the time. Not because I miss them being around or anything but because I care if they are OK or not. I want her to do well despite us not being together so I think you should respond to her

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Hmm, where do I start? Well as a guy you can only gives a guy's perspective on the above....allow me to enlighten you on a few things. You find two different types of people in this world, the weak and the strong, this is not subjected to gender at all what so ever! you find weak men and women, and also strong men and strong women.

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exactly. The leaders and the followers. Are there alternatives for what you know ?

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

A guy telling a woman how much he loves her is not a "wussy" thing to do!!! As a woman I love to hear it and I need to hear it, as do men...if you do not express how you feel as a man (unless a boy posing as a man) then I would suggest this is due to a lack of emotional literacy.

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you didn't got the whole phrase, he saying he loves the girl, and how down he is when she already left him.

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

"Emotions are for girls" was a good one (provocation I think(",) how can women be emotional if our emotions are not being reciprocated? reciprocation is key to the evolution of a relationship, without which one can't be sustained!!

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its not a provocation, it's a saying. Its my opinion. You tell us you love us with words, with dependency, with feelings, and we do that in another way.

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Now dont get me wrong I am not a feminist (well to an extent), I do not believe that men and women should be equal because equality is impossible as we are different, and it is these differences that make women better at some things and men better at others.

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you are better than us even when expressing your feelings toward us. That's why I say, women are more vulnerable than us guys. Do you want a guy who is soooo attracted, affected to the impossibility, and so dependent on you, telling you every single damn moment how in love he is, always taking care about you like a big brother (he does this to get your approval), or you want someone who is more distant, more male in his actions, more a leader than a follower, more sexy?

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

I do however believe that we should be given equal opportunities in life: same pay as men for the same jobs and we shouldnt be discriminated against: men being promoted over women even though the women may have been the best candidate! This is BS.

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I am feminist at this point. Yes, there are things you can do also like us, or even better, and you should have opportunities, but I was talking to the male and female sexuality and their vulnerabilities.

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

"Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together"
Now can I just ask if Need of help if he treated his x badly?will this really bring her back to him, ooh that "make fun of her" trick, yeah Matteus that one works everytime!!!Need of help will that remind her of the good times? It sounds to me like the worst times I could ever imagine having with someone......DONT TAKE THIS BIT OF ADVICE!!! she will probably knock you out!

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1. maybe I wasn't clear what I meant with the "badly" thing. You were sooo "good" (I used the quotes, because you did it for you, not for her. You did it for yourself, as a way to not her let someday go away from you, so you bought her "stay") to her, every time there for her, acted like a wuss, tooo much affected, etc. the badly thing in here, is to act more independent, a bit more distant and not so affected to her.

2. make fun of her = tease her in a playful way!

3. Need of help will that remind her of the good times -- she will give you the hint if she wants something like that. She will be the first to come to this point of reminding something about the past. Like jokes, laughts, etc.

OK, Matteus please tell me how to do the quote thing? I can only do it with a chunk of quote and not the way you do it!

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Originally Posted by Chery

I can surely attest to the fact that making fun and treating her badly is the worst thing a man can do.

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Again the point "badly and making fun". "Badly" in this case means being a little more distant, more independent, not needy of her presence, not tooo much affected toward her, living your own life, as she is already doing! "Making fun" means teasing her in a playful way!

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Originally Posted by Chery

Also counterproductive are not dishing out enough compliments - a girls likes compliments as well as a man. A man likes to hear that his shirt is cool, so does a girl. A gal likes to hear that the new perfume she has on smells good. We also like to know if the new recipe we tried out tasted good without having to ask first. In other words, don't take her for granted, that can be a killer.

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Compliments, compliments... balance! I didn't said taking her for granted! But I didn't said also killing her with too much compliments (to get her attention and approval).

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Originally Posted by Chery

As for treating her bad, berate her all day for stupid things you could have kept for yourself, telling her she can't do anything right all day.. .and THEN expect her to be erotic in bed that same night is a taboo. And after yelling at her all day, doing something nice like helping her bring up the laundry does not automatically mean that you'll get sex that night. Two wrongs don't make a right. Another thing, a woman's nose is very sensitive, and if you worked and sweated all day, and only wash up on Saturday, that too is a big turn-off.

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Achhh this english of mine. I just can't express my thoughts in the right way sometime. I just want to give my opinion, and forget to be more clear. Anyway, "Badly" again in this case means being a little more distant, more independent, get some more self-esteem, confidence, be sexy, not needy of her presence, not tooo much affected toward her to the point of boring her, living your own life, as she is already doing! Who said being a bad person, telling her she can't do anything right all day, or yelling at her? The nose thing works only during her period, so that's not such a big problem :)

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Originally Posted by Chery

So, now guys, you know a little about us women that you should have know already if you were sensitive enough to begin with.

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Not sensitive or tooo much sensitive toward the woman?

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Originally Posted by Chery

Men, if you can't 'read' your woman, then it's best to talk to her in a caring manner.

Girls are emotional, that's why I like Emoticons to accompany my posts, it's an extra I enjoy using.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_18.gifI said my two-cent's worth.. Good memories are what makes a girl miss you,,, so stack them up against those bad memories quick.

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No comment to this point

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

OK, Matteus please tell me how to do the quote thing? I can only do it with a chunk of quote and not the way you do it!!

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Hahahaha. NO :) be independent :)

Kidding. When you push the Quote button here below, a new text editor comes out. In the beginning of the text editor, there is a [QOUTE=Matteus]. copy that and paste to every paragraf or phrase of mine you want to comment. in the end of the paragraf or phrase of mine, put a [/qoute] then push enter and go on with your "take it easy" comments :)

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Originally Posted by needofhelp

I was open about my emotions and feelings toward her. She meant the world to me and I treated her the best I could. I respected her, and gave her everything I could. This is what makes it hard. She knows I'm a nice guy, but I don't want her to think she can come back to me expecting us to be just friends or give hte friend thing a shot. I wonder if her suggesting friends is a way to reconnect and may lead to something else. Before anyone tells me that's not the reason to be friends, I know. I don't want to give the friend thing a shot and then be kicked in teh friend category. It's not ego getting in teh way of being friends. I can't be her friend bc it hurts to much.
We have good memories, but how can I bring those up with out sounding like Im pushing her to come back? How can I even talk to here, without going to teh friend category? From a girls view, how do you expect your ex to feel after you left him? What does he do or dont do that makes you want him back? I don't want to sound like a 'weak' person wanting her back, but I can't deny I have feelings for her, or atleast the person I knew.

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A wuss. A nice guy. Do some google-in about the nice guys Needofhelp! And the bad guys! But focus yourself on Good Guys!

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Originally Posted by Sistaskeeper24

truth be told i think she is just looking out for your well being. I just broke up with someone and i write and try to talk to them all the time. not because i miss them being around or anything but because i care if they are ok or not. I want her to do well despite us not being together so i think you should respond to her

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Common, what are you telling me here?? You break up, hurt their feelings, and in the end you care for their hurts and wounds?? Are you kidding?? You are not more but a egoistic person to me, someone who needs the affection and attetion of the others. But you can't have it and you find it in the exs. You just can't have the affection from others, and that's why you use those ex's people who you know will give you the attention and affection you need. Needy and Dependent!

(original post, with the sweeping statements!! )

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Originally Posted by Matteus

Second: We are guys. You are a guy. Guys are strong. Strong guys have feelings but also they have a wall around them, which makes them unbeatable and untouchable. They are not wussy. Are you getting my point? A wussy, will tell their partner, how in love he is, how down he is after she left him, etc. Common, we have this beauty in us to act like leaders, and to show our animal instict in this game. A female goes after a male! Emotions are for girls, we think with our mind first. Guys are not so vulnerable as girls. Once you show yourself vulnerable, you are losing points. A leader is not vulnerable. A leader takes more than he gives. Are you still getting my point? Now stop being honest, and stop telling her how down you are, how you feel about her,etc. Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together, flirt with her (or every girl you want), be her male and stop being vulnerable and needy.

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Originally Posted by Matteus

exactly. the leaders and the followers. are there alternatives for what you know ?

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Originally Posted by Matteus

We are guys. You are a guy. Guys are strong. Strong guys have feelings but also they have a wall around them, which makes them unbeatable?

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But above you are assuming that all guys are strong and that women are not, you are generalising!I was saying that there are strong and weak in both genders, this is different from what you are saying... check out your original post and the above!

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Originally Posted by Matteus

you didnt got the whole phrase, he saying he loves the girl, and how down he is when she already left him.

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Yes and that makes him wussy?

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Originally Posted by Matteus

A wussy, will tell their partner, how in love he is, how down he is after she left him,.

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No it makes him human,someone ended something and he had no control over it, he feels powerless (as he didn't have a choice) but somehow he has to accept it... you may be able to get over relationships real quick but he can't... and there is nothing wrong with it.

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Originally Posted by Matteus

A female goes after a male! Emotions are for girls, we think with our mind first. Guys are not so vulnerable as girls.

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No men are subjected to different emotions then females... and if you are talking of the male/female from a scientific point of view then the males always go after the females! (ref:national geographic channel) Sorry to say this but I actually think women are more logical then men, We can multitask... and that's very logical!!

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Originally Posted by Matteus

its not a provocation, its a saying. its my opinion. you tell us you love us with words, with dependency, with feelings, and we do that in another way.

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What other way is this then? I like words and actions, I provide both means and expect to receive them both back!

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Originally Posted by Matteus

you are better than us even when expressing your feelings toward us. thats why i say, women are more vulnerable than us guys. do you want a guy who is soooo attracted, affected to the impossibility, and so dependent on you, telling you every single damn moment how in love he is, always taking care about you like a big brother (he does this to get your approval), or you want someone who is more distant, more male in his actions, more a leader than a follower, more sexy?.

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Well I have never heard of anyone saying "gosh that mans sexy, he's so distant, he's a leader" I don't find that sext, I don't want to be lead by a man, I don't need a leader I need to feel love, and occasionally hear it... You are right in one thing, if you say it too much it becomes a habit and then is just said without the emotion attatched.

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Originally Posted by Matteus

maybe i wasnt clear what i meant with the "badly" thing....... make fun of her = tease her in a playful way!...........like jokes, laughts, etc.

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As you said this was a miscommunication (the above) I can understand what you are saying, will let this one slide... he he he (",)

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

(original post, with the sweeping statements!!!)


As you said this was a miscommunication (the above) I can understand what you are saying, will let this one slide...he he he (",)

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What a mess in here :) I don't understand where my posts began and where yours. So I'm not going to komment it. Kidding. I'm going to come back again, ready for fight :)

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Originally Posted by Matteus

common, what are you telling me here ???? You break up, hurt their feelings, and in the end you care for their hurts and wounds ??? are you kidding??? You are not more but a egoistic person to me, someone who needs the affection and attetion of the others. But you can't have it and you find it in the exs. You just can't have the affection from others, and thats why you use those ex's people who you know will give you the attention and affection you need. Needy and Dependent!

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Breaking up with someone does not make you a bad person. It depends on the reason. Sometimes you break up with a person because they are not good for you or you for them. Sometimes you break up because the relationship is not working. That is not a bad thing, but the right thing to do. It is better to breakup with someone than to be miserable with them or they with you. If you can still check in with the peson, I see nothing wrong with that.

My best advice for you is to not believe what she says watch what she does. Usually woman will tell you things to get a reaction out of you and see what you do. She has made a conscious effort to contact you she didn't have to. If she was into this new guy and wanted to move on so badly she wouldn't contact you whatsoever she still has feelings for you. Just respond and feel her out don't be pushy but just see what she wants listen to how she sounds when you talk to her you'll start to know where you stand. Good luck

She wrote an e-mail and said that she cares but not in that way??

I would not appreciate an e-mail like that at all and not responding was the wise move. If you did not contact her she has no basis to "update" you on how she feels. Perhaps she re-established contact to get your attention, she wants you to chase her. If she broke up with you and you have not spoken to her than it seems to me that she is probably wondering why, maybe she thinks it easy for you?

I'm not suggesting she e-mailed you because she wants to resume anything, some girls can't stand being ignored or not wanted, even if they don't want you they want you to want them. N/C is working for you my man.

Matteus, I know it's a bit messy, but do u understand it? It was my first attempt and I was quite proud of it! And thanks for the help (",)

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Matteus, I know its a bit messy, but do u understand it? It was my first attempt and I was quite proud of it! And thnx for the help (",)

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Be proud kiki, I didn't understand nothing yet... would you... ehh, no... I will try my best to understand.