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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

FC: Read my post by clicking on my profile. Specifically read the stuff posted by Chuff and Tal. I can't sum up their words, but they give some excellent food for thought about worrying about HER so much and whether SHE will be offended by what you do or do not do. Right now, your only obligation is to take care of yourself. Try to settle into that frame and blast through your frazzled emotional circuitry.

Don't worry in the least about texting her back. Take comfort in the fact that you can disappear at any time and move away from the intense pain that contact with her is causing you. The hardest part is going to be training yourself and your brain to STOP WAITING. That is by far the hardest part, and it only comes with you truly letting go of all hope. If she comes back without any contact from you, then at least you will feel empowered to make a decision in your own best interests and untainted by her feeling any pressure from you. As hard as it is, pretend starting NOW that she is not coming back and that this is over. It's the only way that you can fathom the idea of walking away, and it's still nearly impossible. Don't let anyone tell you this is going to be easy, but you need to do it.

I would get ALL your stuff back as soon as possible. It's only making things a lot more complicated. And as for the card/gift card, I'd keep the gift card for yourself, and keep the card simple (i.e. nothing to do with you and her in the message). Don't get caught up in the urge to say something that you think will resonate with her in the card, because I think you'll find it has the exact opposite effect that you thought it would. Once her birthday's over and you have all your stuff back, you've gotta disappear, not out of meanness, but for your own emotional well-being, and to create true space between you that needs to be there right now.

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Dude you are awesome, thank you so much for your advice. The card is actually kind of ridiculous. It says "Have fun on your birthday, but remember excess celebrating and partying over a period of time can be very damaging. Just look what it did to the poor soul inside" Inside is a mirror and it says "try not to think about it, and have a happy birthday" I was planning on writing "Haha just playing! Ur the hottest girl ever! Happy 24th bday" or something along those lines. I don't think this message would be bad, cause it's not mushy and it doesn't have anything to do with us or our relationship. Just a funny, slightly insulting card, but a joke nonetheless. Think this is OK? I still think I should give her the gift card too, I don't know why but I do. Is that too much or something? I mean, it's nothing personal, just a gift card.

Also, as far as the stuff at her apartment goes... I have 3 pieces of furniture there, but I really just don't care about those at all. I just have some books and some other things I want to get, and it's not too much. I would just like to do it when she's not there because it's easier that way I guess.

Man this girl is so weird. I looked at her Facebook today and she hasn't even changed that I'm her boyfriend on there... I figured if she was moving on she would have done that already.

Also, what happens if she wants to hang out for her birthday, or sometime this weekend? She mentioned it last week or something, but who knows, she may not even bring it up now. And do I not call her on her birthday? My Mom thinks I should, and thinks that even if we were completely over I should still call her and tell her happy birthday at least, but I don't know. I mean, I don't want her to think I'm being mean or anything by not calling... man this sucks. Questions questions questions...

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I inderstand what you are saying. You can send her a card, have casual conversation if it does not cause you too much pain. Don't answer every text or phone call. If you two are meant to be, it will happen, just don't sit in the driver's seat. If it's not too painful, let it coast along. If it gets to be too much back off completely.
I wish you well

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You know, I was kind of thinking about this "driver's seat" comment. I almost feel like that may have been part of the problem. I kind of feel like for the majority of our relationship she was "wearing the pants," know what I mean? I kind of always just did what she wanted to do, and kind of let her control the relationship because I was just happy being with her. So I almost kind of wonder if I just tell her how I feel (again, blah) and then establish some kind of boundaries and take charge by telling her that I'm not going to be strung along and that I think it's better if we just don't talk to one another until she is ready and has figured things out (if that ever happens), maybe she'll see that I'm "maning up" if you know what I mean, and have started taking control of at least my limited part in this "break." Any thoughts on that?

Ok so this chick... I just don't get it. I went over there on my lunch break to see if anyone was there - if no one was there, I was going to pop in and get some more of my things (she has let me keep my key to the apartment). Well, no one was there, and so I went in to get some more of my stuff. While I was there, I took a look around, and I'll tell you, nothing has changed. I mean, all the drawings I did for her (I'm an artist on the side, hehe) are all still either up on the walls in their frames or on the tables, exactly where they were before. All the pictures of me and her in the apartment - they haven't been touched or moved or anything. The picture of me in her room by her bed - still there and hasn't been moved. I let her keep my contour pillow, and clearly she is using it. I mean, what the hell man? I've taken all the pictures I have of her and just put them in a box because I can't really bear to look at them all the time. But she has left everything as it was, so I think this is weird for some reason. It isn't indicative of someone moving on. Or is it? I mean, maybe she just doesn't even care anymore so looking at them does not phase her or something. I have no clue. Is this a good thing, or bad thing, or does it even matter? I just feel like, if you are trying to move on, then you need to put those things away, you know? Or, if you HAVE moved on, having them up isn't going to bother you. Maybe I'm trying to read too much into something that's inconsequential.

Ok so she just texted me that she just got out of work, that yesterday was pretty good, that her and her bad influence friend are going to get manicures and pedicures, and that she's almost old because it's her birthday. Then she says "lets talk soon about when we can have bday time!" What the hell? I feel like texting back "so, what, your actual birthday isn't a good day for you to hang out and have bday time with me?" What do I do! Why does she want to hang out with me?

Ok this chick is out of her freakin' mind guys. If you read my previous post you will see that I went during my lunch break last night to get some of my stuff from her apartment. So, I'm sitting at home after work last night and she sends me a text saying "why did you move your stuff" and then immediately calls me all upset and asks me "why did you come and get more of your stuff today?" And I'm like, uh because they are my things and I need to have them at the place I live at now. And she says "Ok but why did you move them today? You know it makes me upset when you come and move your stuff" And I'm just like "well, I wasn't trying to upset you by moving my stuff, I just needed a few of my things is all. Plus, today isn't your birthday but tomorrow is" Then she proceeds to say "yeah but now that's all I'm going to think about all night, and I thought you would probably try and move more stuff tomorrow (her birthday) to make me more upset" And I just keep telling her like 10 times that it wasn't my intention to upset her, but I just needed some of my things and I wasn't doing anything on my lunch break so I felt like coming to get stuff (but I don't say this all whiny or anything, just straight up). So then she says things like well don't take a condescending tone with me on the phone, and I basically just say "what the F are you talking about" So this drags on for a few more minutes. She keeps saying crap like "ok, fine I'll talk to you tomorrow." And I'm just like "OK, later." but she doesn't ever get off the phone. Then she says things like "I know I'm an @$$hole for doing this (the break)," and "I'm stupid" and this and that. So then I say "well, I was going to wait until 12 and call you and wish you happy birthday and ask you out to dinner, but I don't even know if I'm going to do that now." So then she finally calms down and we talk about some normal stuff like what she's going to do for her birthday and other random crap, and then I tell her I'm getting off the phone to watch The Office. She tells me to call her later, and I say Ok.

So, I let 12 roll around, then 12:20, then 12:30 and so on (didn't notice though because I was recording music), and then she sends me a text message that is blank. So, then I call her and she doesn't even answer her phone, even though she knew I was going to call. So I leave a message saying that I'm calling to tell her happy 24th birthday, and that I would like to take her out to dinner either tomorrow night or whenever she's free, but then I do something dumb and say that I love her in the message. WRONG. I know. So then I respond to the blank text asking why did she send a blank text, and that I called but she didn't even answer. So then she sends a text back that is like, "Oh sorry call again!" But I don't. I just sit there with my roommate and watch TV. Then a bit later she sends another text that says "call now!" So I don't, I just sit there some more because I don't feel like calling right then. Then I finally decide to brush my teeth and go to bed, so I call her right before I go to bed and she answers. She's at the bar she works at dancing and drinking with her girlfriends, and then I tell her that I'm calling to wish her happy birthday, etc. and to ask her out to dinner (I say it all like she doesn't already know that and that this is the first time I've talked to her for the night). She says that sounds wonderful and would like to go out on Sunday night. So I say, cool, sounds good. Then and the end of the conversation she says she loves me. I'm just like, OK have a nice night! And she says "what, you aren't going to say it back?" And I'm like "well, I said it in the message that you got when you didn't answer you phone." Then she's like "Well, I love you." And I mess up for the second time and say "I love you too, call me tomorrow or something or I can call you." She says "I'll definitely call you tomorrow!" And I'm like, OK night.

What the hell do I do now? Am I just digging a bigger hole for myself? My plan is to just not even answer her call, or at least ignore it and call back way later, if she even does call. Then I won't talk to her until Sunday if I can help it. Then, I plan on taking her out to eat, giving her a non mushy birthday card and perhaps a gift card, and being all awesome like it's our first date, and let her talk about herself and be really interested in what she has to say so that she's feeling those kind of feelings again for me. Then I plan on going home right after that like I have something to do. Then, I plan on calling her up in the next day or two after we go out to eat, and telling her that we need to talk. I will go over there, tell her that I love her very much, but that I can't do this break stuff any longer because it's just messing up my life right now, and that we either have to move forward together as a couple (super super slowly of course) or it's done for now (no more break but just completely broken up), and that she doesn't need to text or call me or anything until she gets her head on straight, if that ever happens. I don't plan on being mean about it or trying to make her out as a villain, but she really needs to know, face to face, that I can't do this crap any longer. Either one of two things will happen then. She will freak out and come back, or move on. She'll probably move on, but either way, I will at least have some sort of end point to all this mess and then I can work on moving on instead of waiting on her. But, what do I know. How do I even know that she hasn't been waiting for me to man up and tell her this? Anyone out there got opinions on this? Sorry, I know it's long, but I'm an English major.:D

Wow, this is just a whole page of me talking to myself...

You are still basing everything on how she feels what she thinks. You don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?
When you take her out to dinner tell her. She already knows you love her, just tell her that you're really tired of this and you think you should just end it.
If she wants you back, she will let you know. Stop allowing her to take you through all of these changes. She will keep you hanging on as long as you hang on. Let her be the one to stew a bit. Leave her. If she does nothing then you know she was gone any way.

I think she really is sorry for the whole thing. It seems that she's now getting paranoid that you'll leave her. You guys should really talk about it and find out where you both stand. It could be she made a genuine mistake by having the break! If that's the case you know she loves you, and has learnt a lot from the whole thing.
Talking about, REALLY sitting down and talking about it, should streighten it out. Good luck (^,~)

You have to remember through your desire to get her back that she cannot have it both ways. She asked you for a break. Fine, it's her life. But she cannot be trying to make you feel guilty for not being there for her in the same way as you were before. She made a conscious choice, and now there are new boundaries. The onus is ON HER to communicate to you that she realizes she wants you back/she made a mistake/whatever and then you can choose whether to take her back. This is the situation. Don't get all caught up in these communication games and the guilt trips. Always keep the frame in your mind of what is really going on here.

My advice is for you to move forward as if you are broken up, because you are. "Taking a break" is nothing more than breaking up with the dangling possibility of getting back together at some future date. In my opinion, the whole "taking a break" thing and the agony it causes people like you is a cruel byproduct of someone (her) not knowing what to do with her confusion. It is not her fault that she resorts to this, but it sucks nonetheless.

You seem committed to the "dinner and soft ultimatum" approach. I agree with the above posters that she may be regretting her decision in your case, and if you truly think that it will put your anxieties to rest, I would at least totally take Homegirl's advice and just state how all of this making you feel and what you need to do as a consequence. Don't pose it in ultimatum form, is what I'm saying. Then, leave it. If she truly wants you to change the course of action that you're telling her you have to take, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, I would move forward in the days following and do the things that people do when they break up. Silently and politely get your stuff back, don't be her emotional sponge, and just don't feel guilt. You did not choose to take a break! You don't deserve to be in this horrible reactive mode, and if you're still getting jerked around after laying it out there, you have no reason to feel guilty for not being her emotional sponge.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are still basing everything on how she feels what she thinks. you don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?
When you take her out to dinner tell her. She already knows you love her, just tell her that you're really tired of this and you think you should just end it.
If she wants you back, she will let you know. Stop allowing her to take you through all of these changes. She will keep you hanging on as long as you hang on. Let her be the one to stew a bit. Leave her. If she does nothing then you know she was gone any way.

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Home girl is totally right, she is completely manipulating you and the situation. She sees this as a game. Another thing when you say goodbye if she says goodbye then hang up don't stay on the phone because it gives her power over you. "oh look at me I'm all upset and I want you to be upset with me" is what she is saying. You're totally playing into her trap. Tell her straight out that what she is doing is transparent and childish and tiring you out and that you feel you it's a good idea to end it. Don't cry about it and keep a complete cold and straight face while you say it too. Now if she truly cares for you then she will come around. Good luck.

Congrates on the longest running post. Lol 5 pages, granted 1 of those is all yours.
If have to agree with a few postees. You both need to sit down and talk this over and find out where you stand, obviously you both still have feeling for each other. I truly think there's a good chance this is just a phase the relationship is going through, you've been together for a while and things I'm sure get a little old and predictable. You both need to remember why you love each other to begin with, you've gotten to the point now that you say it because the other said it first, everything that you had at your first date is still there , you've just got to go find it again,

I dated a girl for 12years 5 yrs of marriage included but we went through the same thing about 6 or 7yrs in, and what you have described is almost word for word where I've been,
We just took a break for a while but still talked and saw each other, and then realized if we don't want to be together or where unsure , then why are we still trying to be together not just end it,. looks like your in the same situation I was.
I honestly think the girls still wants to be with you and I think she knows she's about to make a big decision with you in the future and she may be a little scared right now,

And let me tell you this, I don't think you like confrontation, its why she wears the pants, you just want her happy and if you have to take the shorter straw then so be it, and that's OK. Just don't get run over. But anyway there is a right way to be a little more tough then being rude or short with her. The easiest way to do this is in all that you do with her, whether it be talking or hanging out keep it more to the friend side, chill with the I love yous for now. Focus on why you fell for each other in the first place.

Lastly... stay under control, I think your letting your emotions get the best of you. Think before you act. Goodluck

I just wanted to say to everyone that is helping me with this hard time in my life, thank you! You guys are so great for taking time out of your day to help me out, and you advice is really helping me move forward with what I course of action I feel I need to take.

OK, so here's the latest update. I just want to say that, before I explain all this, I think I did really well! Go me!

OK, so, when I called her two nights ago to wish her happy birthday and ask her out to dinner, I told her to call me or that I would call her the next day (yesterday, her birthday), and she said she would definitely call me (this was said at the end of the conversation, see previous post). Well, yesterday I'm sitting at work and I get a text from her saying "What's up dude? I was a little drunk last night, haha! How's the day been?" Now, I saw that text message and thought, 'well, I knew she might try to do this - you know, try to play it off like she was so drunk that she forgot that she said she would call.' So I put my phone down and decided that I'm not going to respond to texts anymore because I feel like they are a cop-out. I feel like they are a way to deliver an ambiguous message, simply because you can't hear the person's tone of voice, and because of that, you can't get the "feel" of their words, know what I mean? So because texts are ambiguous, there can be multiple ways to take the words - they are basically just a "string along" tool. I just decided in my head right then that I'm done with ambiguous texts, and that if she wants to talk to me, she can call me. It's not that hard to dial 7 numbers. So, not even five minutes goes by, and she calls my job! I immediately thought 'haha! She knows that I'm not stupid, and that she does really remember saying that she would call, and so is now going through with it.' So we talked on the phone for a bit about what she did last night (two nights ago now). She said she just hung out at the bar she worked at and danced and got drunk. We talked and what's going on today (yesterday), and if she's got any birthday gifts, etc. Basically just light conversation. So, at this point I decided to end the conversation early, and told her that I have to get back to work. She told me that I should stop by after work, and that she and her friends are going to go out to get some Chinese food, and that I should come. I told her I would think about it, and that maybe I would stop by after work, but I had plans later on tonight to play music with my roommate (which was true). So she said OK, but that I should call her after work and come over, because she would at least like to see me for a little bit on her birthday. I told her that I might.

So I wait until work is over, and I don't call her immediately. I run to the bank because I needed to. Then I called her and asked her if she would like me to come by still. She said that I should. I said OK I'll be over in a bit. But I don't come right over. I take my time, go get some gas, run to the grocery store to grab a six pack and some things I needed at my apartment. Then I finally go over there, and I bring the six pack with me. But before I go up, I send a text to my roommate that is timed so that the response will come while I'm in there talking to her. Also, I had it set up so that one of my friends would call me while I was there too (he didn't know that though, I just set it up that way). So I go in, and her friends have decorated her apartment and everything, and are in the process of getting ready to go out. I give her a tight squeeze and tell her happy birthday, and offer everyone a beer. We just hang out for a while as her friends are getting ready, and talk about what's on TV and her birthday presents, and just random, inconsequential stuff. She tells me again that she was really drunk last night and doesn't remember it (a lie). She then tells me that they are going out to eat again and that I should come. I told her that maybe I would have if I had known about it earlier, but that I had plans for the night already to play music. Of course, I get the text and call back from my friends that I knew I would get, and basically just looked at them/answered and smiled as if I had something else fun to do or someone else cool to talk to. She figures out that it's my friend on the phone (who she is also kind of friends with), but she doesn't know who the text is from. She says what's up who's that, and I just say nothing, nobody. So then we sit around some more and drink a couple more beers. I ask her if she would still like to go out to eat and she says yeah, and that it would probably be more fun for us one on one. I tell her to pick a place then, and that wherever is fine, but it's her birthday dinner so I want her to go where she would like. So then I tell her I got to go, and she offers to walk me down to my car. I tell her she doesn't need to do this, but she wants to so I relent. On the way down she asks me "where are my birthday presents?" I was like "your birthday presents?" And then I said I would give her a little something (the card and gift card) when we go out to eat.

So then down at my car we hug. I tell her happy birthday again, and then she asks for a birthday kiss. I just kind of look at her like, uhhhhh, but then I figure, ah what the hell. So we make out for a minute or two. She then tells me she will text me and tell me how the Chinese place was. I tell her OK, that's cool, and I jump in my car and I'm gone.

So, of course the rest of the night rolls around and I don't get a text at all. I feel like texting her, but I don't break down and do it, which I'm actually proud of, Ahhh mind games. So not fun. But anyway, do you guys think I did the right thing? I think I did pretty well by keeping it short. It really seems like, for whatever reason, if I'm just kind of short with her and do my own thing, she seems to come after me more.

So here's my plan as of now. I will still take her out to wherever she would like to go on Sunday (tomorrow) night. Between now and then, I don't really think I will answer any texts - again, if she would like to be in contact then she can call me. Then on Sunday, I will take her out to eat, and act like it's our first date. I will and be all funny and nice (but tease her a little too) - basically the guy she fell in love with 4 years ago, and give her the card and gift card.

Homegirl, I've read your advice and I think it's good, but I don't think I should tell her anything about how I feel at dinner, but rather keep it fun. For one, I know it sounds lame but I don't want to make her upset on what is supposed to be her birthday dinner. I want it to just be a fun, awesome time, and not a time where we will get upset. Otherwise I'm basically just wasting my money on this dinner. Plus, I want to leave an impression in her mind, and then come around in the next day or two and tell her that we need to talk, and then drop the bomb. This way, when I break it off, she will think about the last time we hung out, which will be her birthday dinner, and remember that it was a great time, and she will wonder why she is giving this up. When I do break it off though, I am going to take everyone's advice and not issue an ultimatum at all. I am just going to tell her that I can't do this "break" thing any longer because it's really hurting me and affecting my life in a really bad way, and that I think we should just be apart. I won't say anything about "unless you want to get back together and work on our relationship." That, like many of you have said, is up to her. If she doesn't want to split completely, she will let me know, and if she doesn't care, then she is really gone anyway, right? It's weird, but I almost feel like I need to bring this whole thing to the lowest point it could possibly be, which is just a complete break and no more contact, and then see what she will do. But the question I have is, when I do break it off, do I bother asking her what she feels about it or if she has any input? I have a feeling she's going to just be really upset and cry, and tell me "fine, go ahead and leave" even though it's probably not what she wants, but who knows? I've been wrong before about what she would do. Do you guys think this sounds good? Sorry again for the book I've written!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are still basing everything on how she feels what she thinks. you don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?
When you take her out to dinner tell her. She already knows you love her, just tell her that you're really tired of this and you think you should just end it.
If she wants you back, she will let you know. Stop allowing her to take you through all of these changes. She will keep you hanging on as long as you hang on. Let her be the one to stew a bit. Leave her. If she does nothing then you know she was gone any way.

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Thanks Homegirl! Again, your advice is always great, and it's been the advice I've been trying to follow. I probably am still basing things on how she feels and thinks some, but I'm slowly just starting to realize that I need to do what's good for me, and I think what's good for me is to stop all these games because I'm tired of them, and just end it. But, I want to do it in a way that leaves a lasting impression. So, I don't think I should tell her when I take her out to dinner. I think I should tell her a day or two after that, so that when she reflects back on things, she will remember that dinner as being a great time, and perhaps she will even wonder why she decided to do this "break" in the first place (which I think she may be doing anyway).

I'm not sure what this means though:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?

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Does this mean you think she may be waiting for me to "man up" and just tell her it's over? Or are you just saying I don't even know that, but I'm just still focused on what she's thinking, and that it doesn't even matter because I need to "man up" and do it for myself?

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Originally Posted by Vulf

I think she really is sorry for the whole thing. It seems that she's now getting paranoid that you'll leave her. You guys should really talk about it and find out where you both stand. It could be she made a genuine mistake by having the break! If thats the case you know she loves you, and has learnt a lot from the whole thing.
Talking about, REALLY sitting down and talking about it, should streighten it out. Good luck (^,~)

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I think you are totally right about this. I get the underlying feeling that, when I'm not clingy and don't initiate texts or calls, that she feels like I'm slipping away and getting paranoid that I'm going to be done with this "break" soon, especially when I act like I've got other things to do. I mean, she has FREAKED out twice now when I've come to get my belongings, both times to where she was so upset she had to call me and tell me all about it (however the first time it happened I didn't answer her calls all day, but then she called my job the next day and I went over to talk to her on my lunch break - see main story). But as soon as I initiate a text or tell her that I miss her, etc. she gets all distant. But honestly, I've tried talking to her about it twice now, and both times she's given me the generic "i need to be by myself to figure out myself" and "I want to be with you but in order for me to do that I have to be apart from you" answers. See my main story at the beginning of the post about this as well.

Then again, it's been several weeks since I've tried to sit down and talk about it with her about the situation, but everyone else giving me advice thinks that she knows how I feel (I think she does too), and I don't need to keep reiterating my feelings because that's not doing any good. She definitely made a mistake with this "break" I think, and if she's starting to realize this, then isn't it kind of on her to own up to that and try to fix it? I would think so. I know she loves me, I mean the signs are all still there (mostly - I think she tries to hide them sometimes), but I didn't initiate this break or even want it and she knows that, so I don't think it should be me who tries to fix it any longer. I think I just need to be done with it, because it's killing me to wonder if we're getting back together, or if she's going to text or call, or whatever. And if I tell her I'm done with it, (but not issue an ultimatum like telling her to either get back with me or move on) then won't she either decide she's made a mistake or just get on with her life? I mean, don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to really sit down and really talk about this, but isn't it on her to do that, especially if I've attempted twice before and got nowhere? I'm not sure, help!

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

You have to remember through your desire to get her back that she cannot have it both ways. She asked you for a break. Fine, it's her life. But she cannot be trying to make you feel guilty for not being there for her in the same way as you were before.

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She is definitely trying to do this - she was doing it on the phone with me just two days ago after I went and got some of my things during my lunch break. She was trying to make me feel guilty that SHE got upset that I came and got some of my things the day before her birthday. But, on the phone I was coolheaded and didn't really get heated too much in an effort to just kind of be like 'well F U. It's my stuff, I'll come get it when I want.' I mean, I told her like 10 times I wasn't out to upset her, I was just trying to get my things and move them to the place that I've been forced to live at now because I had to move out of her place.

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

She made a conscious choice, and now there are new boundaries. The onus is ON HER to communicate to you that she realizes she wants you back/she made a mistake/whatever and then you can choose whether to take her back. This is the situation. Don't get all caught up in these communication games and the guilt trips. Always keep the frame in your mind of what is really going on here.

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This is almost exactly how I feel at this point. Because she created this break, she is going to have to deal with the consequences and the new boundaries that come about because of the situation. Up until now I haven't been really clear about the boundaries, but in a couple of days, I'm going to be crystal clear about them. I mean, we are still having contact, hugging, kissing, and occasionally hooking up. But I like what you said here. I feel like, until just recently I've been falling for all the communication games she's playing, and it was just making me feel terrible because I would constantly wonder if she was going to call or text, and then feel great if she did, but also feel like absolute crap if she did not. But I'm done with it now - I feel it in my heart that I'm just done with the games now because I can't live my life like this, and in order for me to be happy and move on, I got to put an end to it, and I feel like she needs to know that.

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

My advice is for you to move forward as if you are broken up, because you are. "Taking a break" is nothing more than breaking up with the dangling possibility of getting back together at some future date. In my opinion, the whole "taking a break" thing and the agony it causes people like you is a cruel byproduct of someone (her) not knowing what to do with her confusion. It is not her fault that she resorts to this, but it sucks nonetheless.

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You are absolutely right, and I do feel that dangling possibility out there, and the sad thing is I keep trying to grab for it, but I think I'm starting to realize I done doing that now because it's getting me nowhere. I mean, it's been two months almost. But, what IS getting me somewhere is filling up my day, acting like I'm almost too busy to hang out with her, and not calling her or texting her period, and keeping all our convos and contact short.

It kind of makes me really mad that she is doing this crap to me, but doing it almost unintentionally. She's apologized for the break so many times and for hurting me so many times I've just told her to stop apologizing for it already. It's like, sometimes I want to just yell at her for this, but then deep down I know that she's not out to hurt me on purpose, but that my suffering is a consequence of her wanting a "break." She just doesn't know how to handle the confusion she has in her life about us, her future, etc. so she's just kind of puts me on the side while she takes a "break." But the reality is, whether she's doing it purposefully or not, she is still doing it, and she has to know that I can't take it any longer, and I need to move forward. It's just so hard to do, because I would really like a life with her, but I'm trying to be real about it and understand that it's just not likely. Not impossible, but just very very unlikely.

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

You seem committed to the "dinner and soft ultimatum" approach. I agree with the above posters that she may be regretting her decision in your case, and if you truly think that it will put your anxieties to rest, I would at least totally take Homegirl's advice and just state how all of this making you feel and what you need to do as a consequence. Don't pose it in ultimatum form, is what I'm saying. Then, leave it. If she truly wants you to change the course of action that you're telling her you have to take, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, I would move forward in the days following and do the things that people do when they break up. Silently and politely get your stuff back, don't be her emotional sponge, and just don't feel guilt. You did not choose to take a break! You don't deserve to be in this horrible reactive mode, and if you're still getting jerked around after laying it out there, you have no reason to feel guilty for not being her emotional sponge.

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I am totally taking your advice here, except that everyone thinks I'm going to do this at the dinner, which is not something I think I should do. I think the dinner should be a fun, great night where we go out kind of like it's our first date, because I want her to remember this night when I tell her a couple of nights later that we need to talk. I've dropped the ultimatum part from the plan, and am just going to basically tell her how this break is making me feel terrible, and that as a result I'm just going to have to shut the whole thing down completely. I'm NOT going to tell her that she needs to decide to be with me or not, because if she wants to be with me, she will make this decision on her own and let me know, right? I'm just going to end it, and let her make the decision to come back if she wants, or to move on, but let her make this decision on her own. Then I plan on not really talking to her anymore, except for when I have to come get my things. Sound proper? Oh, and from the way she's been acting over the past couple of days, I do feel like she might be regretting her decision, but I don't think I should let this affect my plan, right? But your correct about the emotional sponge part. I'm not going to be her fall back any longer. Please let me know if you think I'm going about the correctly now!

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Home girl is totally right, she is completely manipulating you and the situation. She sees this as a game. Another thing when you say goodbye if she says goodbye then hang up don't stay on the phone because it gives her power over you. "oh look at me I'm all upset and I want you to be upset with me" is what she is saying. You're totally playing into her trap. Tell her straight out that what she is doing is transparent and childish and tiring you out and that you feel you its a good idea to end it. Don't cry about it and keep a complete cold and straight face while you say it too. Now if she truly cares for you then she will come around. Good luck.

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Thanks for the response! I feel like you are right in that she was manipulating the situation, but I've started to come around and take control of this thing now. I'm basically at the point where I think I've built up enough courage to start setting some boundaries with this girl, instead of being afraid I'll lose her. I've realized this because both my heart and my head have come to the conclusion that I have already lost her, and that I'm done playing games in the hope that I'll get her back. If she wants to come back, she will. It really really hurts me to feel this way though, but I know that it's what I got to do.

Also, on the phone during that conversation two nights ago when she said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and I was like "OK, bye" she immediately was like "Wait wait. Let me just calm down, I am upset." It's not like I was just sitting on the phone listening to silence and wondering if she would get off the phone. She pretty much immediately told me to hang on and explained that she was upset but did want to talk to me. So, maybe you are right, I should have just hung up, and I was about to until she told me to wait. If she had just said nothing for a bit then I would have just hung up. So is that a power struggle then? I mean, I am willing to talk to her on the phone if she wants to be reasonable and have an adult conversation, but yeah, when she says I'm being condescending and that she'll talk to me tomorrow and I say "OK bye," then yeah I probably should have hung up. But I don't know... you know? It was about to be her birthday and everything... but there I go being all wishy-washy again, which is definitely not good.

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Originally Posted by glavine

congrates on the longest running post. lol 5 pages, granted 1 of those is all yours. I have to agree with a few postees. You both need to sit down and talk this over and find out where you stand, obviously you both still have feeling for each other. I truely think theres a good chance this is just a phase the relationship is going through, youve been together for a while and things im sure get alittle old and predictable. You both need to remember why you love each other to begin with, youve gotten to the point now that you say it beacuse the other said it first, everything that you had at your first date is still there , youve just got to go find it again.

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Haha, thanks! I know, I talk a lot, but I like to type all this stuff out because it helps me get some perspective, and then I can go back and reread the posts to see how I progress along. Not to mention more details helps you guys give me better advice!

You are right. We definitely have feeling for one another still. The evidence is clearly there, and I can see it in the way she acts, and in the fact that she continues to contact me, and that we hug/kiss/hook up sometimes. I know it's there for me, because I feel it every morning when I wake up and she's not there with me in bed like she used to be, and I feel it all day long. Haha, why do you think I spend so much time reaching out to you guys on this awesome site? I feel like the problem is though, that my feelings for her might be stronger than hers for me, but I don't know as of lately, you know? I could be completely wrong about that, and I'm not going to lie, I've been wrong about the actions I expected her to take recently. I mean, last Monday I didn't expect her to call or want to hang out, and just play it off like she was drunk and forgot. But I was wrong. You can go back to the previous posts and see this. Also, yesterday when she texted me I assumed that she would not call and play it off like she got drunk on her birthday and didn't realize she even said she would. But hey, I was wrong about that too. She called like 5 minutes after the text. And so that makes me think, well maybe I'm wrong to think that when I tell her I can't play games anymore but I need to just end it, that she will just be like "fine, just go." I mean, who knows? Maybe she will be like "ok, I was waiting for you to do this, and I've decided to be with you." I mean, how do I really know what's going to happen? The idea that she might be waiting for me to do this and really wants to come back is probably far fetched, but I can't rule it out as a possibility. But back to my feeling for her seeming like they are stronger than hers are for me - I think it's all just the manner in which I perceive it. It seems that my feelings are stronger sometimes, and it seems like she is pulling away, especially if I'm giving chase, but then as soon as I do the opposite and start acting distant, her feeling seem to come out stronger. Which, to be honest, is so lame. All it is is a ridiculous game of emotional tug-of-war, and I'm really getting tired of it.

You know, I've really hoped that this was just a phase of our relationship together for weeks on end now, like you said. I just wished it were some kind of test in our relationship, you know? A kind of separation from one another so that we can grow closer together. After all, these were the reasons that she gave me every time I asked why she was doing this. And I believed them, and still did right up until about two days ago. But these reasons, when I think about them, seem so generic and lame, as if she got them from a movie or something. But, then again, she has reiterated the same reasons every time she's been asked, and really acts as if she believes them, so I just don't know. I have to take it as she says it and not read too much into it, because then I'll be in all sorts of mental and emotional trouble.

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Originally Posted by glavine

i dated a girl for 12years 5 yrs of marrage included but we went through the same thing about 6 or 7yrs in, and what you have discribed is almost word for word where ive been, we just took a break for a while but still talked and saw each other, and then realized if we dont want to be together or where unsure , then why are we still trying to be together not just end it,......looks like your in the same situation i was.
i honestly think the girls still wants to be with you and i think she knows shes about to make a big decision with you in the future and she may be a little scared right now.

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And see, that's exactly it. If she doesn't want to be with me, or is unsure, then why in the world are we on a "break" and not just broken up? That's why I feel like I got to put a stop to all this crap. As far as the big decision with me in the future, and being scared and all that, I don't think going on a "break" helps any of this. Yeah, we were going to move off to a big city together, and yeah, she told me when she started this break that she thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but needs to make sure of it, but going about it in the way she did was just completely wrong. In fact, it only makes it worse, because if we ever got back together now, I'm just going to have doubts about her ability to commit to me. Also, if we got together again, we would have to just take it sooo slow, and put all of this mess about moving off together, etc. off to the side right now. If she needed perspective and to be alone, we could have done this together, and I think I even told her that. I would have done this for her, I really would have. I would have just left her alone and not talked to her for as long as she needed, but I would still know that she was with me and wants to be with me. But the "break" has just pretty much ruined all of that.

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Originally Posted by glavine

and let me tell you this, i dont think you like confrontation, its why she wears the pants, you just want her happy and if you have to take the shorter straw then so be it, and thats ok. just dont get run over. but anyway there is a right way to be alittle more tough then being rude or short with her. the easiest way to do this is in all that you do with her, whether it be talking or hanging out keep it more to the friend side, chill with the i love yous for now. focus on why you fell for each other in the first place.

lastly ...............stay under control, i think your letting your emotions get the best of you. think before you act. goodluck

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Haha, you are right. I freeze up at confrontation. But see, I think this was part of the problem to begin with. Her "wearing the pants" and me taking the shorter straw just because I was happy being with her is not OK, because that probably took some of the interest/excitement/tension out of the relationship that really should have been there toward the end, and probably for the entire relationship (well it was more so there at the beginning, but at the beginning I was wearing the pants and she was doing what I wanted to do). I see this now, but didn't realize it at the time. I think doing what I was doing is just putting her on a pedestal, which I see now as being wrong. And I haven't been rude to her at all, at least I don't think. Even when she thought I was being condescending on the phone to her two nights ago, I don't think I was. I was just being "matter of fact," which she didn't like because I wasn't getting upset like she expected me to. I have, however, been short with her, which I think might be a good thing, because it's getting a rise out of her, and it shows her that I'm not pinning over her or being at her beck and call anymore. Right? Also, each time we've hung out I've been nothing but friendly - but I don't want to overdo this, because then she might think 'well, OK I'm not his girlfriend any longer, but he still wants to be friends with me, which is an OK alternative.' I do not want this to happen. I don't want her to friend zone me, because that would just suck. Maybe down the line, if things don't work out, OK then yeah we can be best buds, but not right now. Am I wrong in all of this?

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Does this mean you think she may be waiting for me to "man up" and just tell her it's over? Or are you just saying I don't even know that, but I'm just still focused on what she's thinking, and that it doesn't even matter because I need to "man up" and do it for myself?

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Yes this is what I mean, you're still focused on what she is thinking, and you need to man up and do it for YOU, not what you think she may be thinking.

OK so a lot has happened since her birthday.

Saturday night (night after her birthday) she sends me a text saying that she is sick and has a fever, though she seemed fine on her birthday when I stopped by. I had asked her to go out to eat with me on Sunday for her birthday, and she said she wanted to (see previous post). So, when I got this text I got pissed and thought she was just making it up to blow me off. I called her and I didn't sound too happy on the phone - I could hear it in my own voice, but I was upset and couldn't help it. She did sound sick on the phone though (turns out she actually was - verified by one of my friends and myself later on in the week). I kind of let it slip that I thought she was blowing me off, and she got all upset. I ended up apologizing for second guessing her (my thinking that she was trying to blow me off was completely based on emotions), but I let it be known that I couldn't help doing that because of the whole "break" thing, and that my second guessing her is a consequence of the situation (even though I shouldn't have let my emotions get all involved - that's why I called her in the first place). I told her that it's harder for me to trust her now because of it. She then said she hasn't given me any reason not to trust her during all of this. I responded with, "yeah, except for the break itself." The conversation got to a low point where she started asking me what I wanted - I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend, that's all I've ever wanted this whole time. She gave me the same "in order for me to know I want to be with you I have to be alone right now" response that she's given all along. Then she said "I know it's my fault, but I haven't really had time to think about it yet because I've been going out drinking, and being distracted by my roommate, etc." This really pissed me off because I was thinking 'In the two months this bull$#!t has been going on you haven't sat down to think about it once?' But, I didn't say anything about that. Somehow the conversation turned into her asking me what I was supposed to do now - just forget about her, move on, and she would be screwed? I told her I didn't want to do this on the phone, but I turned the question around on her and asked her if that was what she was trying to get me to do, or if that's what she really wanted. She said no, and sounded sincere about it. She finally calmed down and we talked about what I was going to do tonight. I told her I might go to a club with some of my friends. She said "Have fun getting laid tonight" all upset-like. I asked her "what makes you think I'm going to go do that?" and she said "I don't know." She calmed down again and we finally ended the conversation for the night.

Sunday I felt bad and called her to see how she was doing. I told her I was wrong for assuming she was trying to blow me off, and that I hoped she was feeling better. I was also calling to see if she wanted to go out to eat still, but she said she was feeling like crap and just wanted to sleep. She said maybe I could come over and just hang out/watch TV if she felt up to it, but it ended up that she was just not feeling well that night. She said I could come over, but I probably wouldn't have fun just sitting there while she was sick. I agreed. So she just ended up going to bed early.

Monday I called her again to see how she was, and to ask her if she needed anything. She didn't answer. She called back later but I didn't answer because she didn't answer the first time. She sent a text later asking "what up?" - I didn't respond to that either. I called her back later and tried to make the conversation short. We talked for a couple minutes about how she was feeling. She said somewhat better but still kind of sick. I tried to get off the phone after about 10 minutes, and she said "What, you don't wanna talk? You just called!" She didn't say this angrily or anything, but just all happy and jokingly. I told her I just wanted to call and check up on her, and that I was playing video games with my roommate, but I didn't mind talking a little bit longer if she wanted. So we just chatted about random stuff, and when I told her I needed to go she started getting all upset. She told me that she loved me, and I was just like "Oh, you do?" And she said "Yeah..." as if she wanted me to say it back. I relented and told her I loved her (which is true, I still do, even after all of this crap). Then she said "Are you mad at me?" and I told her, "Well, I'm not absolutely furious right now, but I'm definitely not happy with the situation." She told me she was sorry for all of this. Then I told her I had to go, but I could tell she was all upset. She sent me a text like an hour later that said "I'm sorry, I know I suck." I didn't respond to it.

Tuesday I called her and texted her after work, telling her that I needed to come by for more of my stuff (really just an excuse to go see her). She didn't answer, so I went over and went inside. I looked in her room, and she's asleep on the bed. I didn't want to wake her, so I started getting my stuff as quietly as I could. I loaded up my car and was about to leave, but then she came out onto the porch saying hey and telling me to come up. She told me sorry, she didn't see the text or get the call because she was asleep. She was definitely sick though, I could tell by the way she looked, and she had medicine and tissues laying all over her bed. I told her I was just getting some of my stuff and was about to go, and she said "But you just got here. I thought you might want to hang out for a little bit." So I said that I would. We just chilled on her bed and hugged, and I gave her a back massage because she said her back was hurting (she actually told me this a few days earlier and thought it might be the cold she had that was doing it). She told me she missed me and I was just like "Oh yeah?" and she was like "Yeah," but I never said I missed her back, even though I really do. She told me that she was sick of having her bad influence roommate there constantly (see main story), and was looking forward to having her go out of town from Sat. to Thurs. She was also looking forward to dinner on Fri. I decided to leave when her roommate came back, and she told me to text her when I got home so she knew I got there safe. So I did, and she sent me a text back a while later saying that she was on the phone with her dad, and sorry for the delay, and that she would like to make me a good dinner one day (we had talked while I was there that all I've eaten for like a week was pizza). I didn't respond to that text.

Today I get to work, and the district manager was there. I had asked him last week if I could transfer to a store closer to my place. He said he would look into it, but today he said he needed to know if I still wanted to by next Wed. I got really upset then because I saw it as a further separation between my ex and I. I would no longer be coming out this way every day, so I couldn't come see her if she wanted as easily. I kind of freaked and texted her that they wanted me to make a decision about transferring by Wed, and that I really needed to talk to her (about what, I'm not even sure now. I think I wanted to ask her if it was OK, and to make a decision about us so that I could feel like I was doing the right thing). She said she would call when she got free time if I wanted. I managed to get a hold of myself and text back that it's OK, she didn't have to call. I then texted that I've pretty much already made the decision, but that I don't have to be sure until next Wed, so I might sit on it for a few days, but she could call if she would like to. She did, and we chatted about Halloween stuff, and what costume she was going to wear to work (she's a bartender) etc. I told her I might come bother her during my lunch break, and she said that would be cool, but I didn't go over. She also mentioned a few times that I could stay at her apartment tonight if I wanted, but I don't know. I'd only really want to stay there if I could crawl into bed with her.

I don't know guys, I feel like I'm not doing so well as of late with this. Some days I think I've come to a conclusion about what to do, and others I can't decide at all. Do I take her out to dinner and then tell her either that night or soon after that I can't do this "break" crap any longer? Or do I continue to work at it? Or do I just completely shut down all communication with her? I mean, if I tell her I can't do it any longer but don't issue an ultimatum, I feel like that would be good because I can tell her how I'm feeling and how this is hurting me, and then just be done with it and see if she will come back to me. But then again, she continues to tell me she loves me and misses me so I feel like I need to work at it some more, but at the same time I don't understand this because she clearly hasn't taken any time to think about what she wants to do, and I can't sit around forever waiting. But I do love her, and still want to be with her, and I want her to know this. And if I just cut all communication with her, doesn't that make me out to be a complete @$$? And that would be so hard to do... but I want to choose the best way so that she misses me so much and wants to come back! What do I do to make myself appear sexy to this girl again, so that she's attracted to me once more (if that's even possible now)? I mean, if I did it one time, I should be able to do it a second, right?

Please help! What do I do now? I feel like I've just dug a deeper hole for myself...

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Ok, so I had my full story on here, but I got paranoid and took it down at the last minute because I thought maybe my ex might stumble across this site and find out that I've posted the "break" up here. I need advice though, so I wanted to ask, has anyone's ex come across your post?

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Before I read the rest, I do remember once some guy “claimed” his ex came on the site and “she” verbally went back and forth. I called shenanigans. Let’s say she did happen to run across this website. The moment she asks for a break you own her nothing, and if that means you ask for advice to better yourself or your situation that’s both none of her business and her loss for not sticking with someone who attempts to better himself. The moment she asked for a break is the very moment this became about YOU and has nothing to do with her. Right now the focus is on you, and your strives for betterment.