Ask Me Help Desk - I think I really just messed up my relationship.

Is it possible that she may have some problems to deal with herself and that this kind of put her anger towards me? Because I know that this situation is completely stupid. And we finally talked on the phone last night and she was completely cold towards me, and really rude. I called her out on it saying how she has never been this way towards me and she said how "this is who she is" and that is not true. She then said how she's had to try to be more affectionate for me this whole relationship which I told her that she needed to try a bit more since she is not an affectionate person. I know I can be overpowering towards her because I am affectionate, but I've tried to tone it down a notch until she's more comfortable.

I don't know if she's received the flowers yet and I'm not going to call her. I'm going to ignore her messages and/or calls and try to ignore her in class. She really needs to cool off before she goes and messes up something that may be good.

I've already came to the conclusion that she is treating me completely unjust and that if it comes down to it I may need to just break it off. It's going to break my heart but at least I know that I love myself way too much to let her act this way towards me on a stupid matter, even if she thinks it's a big deal.

We also may have just not been compatible for each other from the start. It's just hard because I do love her very much and I would like to see this develop a bit more before I make a decision.

Is it wrong to go back to girlfriend or boyfriend if you break up for a while? My good friends split up for a good 6 months and they were together for 2 years before that and now they are back together and doing great.

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Originally Posted by Kevin_s

Is it possible that she may have some problems to deal with herself and that this kinda put her anger towards me? Because I know that this situation is completely stupid. And we finally talked on the phone last night and she was completely cold towards me, and really rude. I called her out on it saying how she has never been this way towards me and she said how "this is who she is" and that is not true. She then said how she's had to try to be more affectionate for me this whole relationship which I told her that she needed to try a bit more since she is not an affectionate person. I know I can be overpowering towards her because I am affectionate, but I've tried to tone it down a notch until she's more comfortable.

I don't know if she's received the flowers yet and I'm not going to call her. I'm going to ignore her messages and/or calls and try to ignore her in class. She really needs to cool off before she goes and messes up something that may be good.

I've already came to the conclusion that she is treating me completely unjust and that if it comes down to it I may need to just break it off. It's going to break my heart but at least I know that I love myself way too much to let her act this way towards me on a stupid matter, even if she thinks its a big deal.

We also may have just not been compatible for each other from the start. It's just hard because I do love her very much and I would like to see this develop a bit more before I make a decision.

Is it wrong to go back to girlfriend or boyfriend if you break up for a while? My good friends split up for a good 6 months and they were together for 2 years before that and now they are back together and doing great.

Hey man I have hope that two people can separate for a while and then see that they are right for each other. Right now I am broken up with my exgf of 4 years. She is confused about what she wants so I can only move on and let time pass, hopefully we will realize we were right for each other, so until you know there is no going back, I guess there is always some hope left, if that's what you want. Lets hope for both of us this turns out to be true.

Yeah, my girlfriend and I haven't even broken up but she's just acting really weird. She sent me a message thanking me for the flowers I sent her, I hope she likes them but I am not going to respond. She gets the silent treatment until she gets out of her rut.

How are things now?

Giving you the cold treatment is displacement. She never dealt with the old issues she had and is allowing them to overlap onto you. It is very unfair, perhaps she's using this technique that is commonly used to not talk about what's really on her mind. Someone at that age wants to and should have a lot of experience with other men and/or women. There are people who firmly believe no one should even have a relationship or marry until they are at least 27-30 and just sow the wild oats. There's only one time in life when you are really super young and now is the time for both of you.

However this time is ridiculously fleeting and cannot be contained.. consciously knowing this, enjoy it to the hilt. Not exactly a "good time" for relationships, more about sowing the oats and that should be taken seriously.

Well if this was Utah you could be polygamists or polyamorists and not have to worry about it, but monogamy presents its own problems with the urge is to have more but it conflicts with feelings. She's being unfair, perhaps she will realize this and be sorry and apologize, or she could continue to use this against you and feel as though on some subconscious level you took advantage of her, and she will forever resent you. Education and awareness is the key. Emotional issues are never easy to resolve, much communication is at hand without blaming or shouting. Our first loves are never our only loves, they are just stepping stones to future experiences with others, but often, some of the most intense are our first ones.

I never think of my first "boyfriend" anymore and I doubt he does me. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerulean

How are things now?

Giving you the cold treatment is displacement. She never dealt with the old issues she had and is allowing them to overlap onto you. It is very unfair, perhaps she's using this technique that is commonly used to not talk about whats really on her mind. Someone at that age wants to and should have a lot of experience with other men and/or women. There are people who firmly believe noone should even have a relationship or marry until they are at least 27-30 and just sow the wild oats. Theres only one time in life when you are really super young and now is the time for both of you.

However this time is ridiculously fleeting and cannot be contained.. consciously knowing this, enjoy it to the hilt. Not exactly a "good time" for relationships, more about sowing the oats and that should be taken seriously.

Well if this was Utah you could be polygamists or polyamorists and not have to worry about it, but monogamy presents its own problems with the urge is to have more but it conflicts with feelings. She's being unfair, perhaps she will realize this and be sorry and apologize, or she could continue to use this against you and feel as though on some subconscious level you took advantage of her, and she will forever resent you. Education and awareness is the key. Emotional issues are never easy to resolve, much communication is at hand without blaming or shouting. Our first loves are never our only loves, they are just stepping stones to future experiences with others, but often, some of the most intense are our first ones.

I never think of my first "boyfriend" anymore and I doubt he does me. ;)

We have both had previous relationships, we've both loved and lost.

I let her cool down, and we talked and she apologized for a lot of things. (her apologizing means a lot to me personally because she is much like her father and doesn't apologize.) She doesn't want to take things to seriously, and by that I mean like thinking too far into the future. I agree and I want to just relax and not worry about this moving in stuff or anything. I told her that we should just take another weeks worth of a break (though we are still together, and we just kind of treat ourselves individually) and it's coming to the end of that week now.

We're doing good, but I'm just going to take things one day at a time, try to give her enough space that she needs because it is a big problem for her (personally) and she admitted that it's wrong of her to let the stresses of everything else effect the relationship.

I appreciate all the help, I'm going to just take things one day at a time. Even if we break up, and she and I aren't talking for a while... her little sister and I are very close. She trusts me more than her sister or mother (they all have a bad family dynamic) and I told her that no matter what happens between her sister and I, that I will still come and hang out with her and help her with school (she's 15) and continue to be a positive influence in her life.

I love the family to death (house full of 3 girls, mom, sister and my gf) and I'm not going to leave it just because the girlfriend and I may break up or simply be mad.

Hell, even while on this break I still went to the house and hung out with the little sister and listened to all her problems with boys and school and all that stuff.

I think my girlfriend realizes how genuinely caring I am to the whole family, and seeing as how I'm the first person to not only be supportive of her (the gf) while she may be putting me through hell, but that I have been genuine to the family, always kept up my promises, and always tried to be the best I can to them that it's not something she wants to let slip by.

The younger sister said that if my girlfriend and I ever got married that they would make a plaque for me as an award for being the only person they know that can handle all the issues of the family and still be around. I think they've had a lot of people walk out of their lives.

Anyway, I'm going way off topic.

Thanks again guys for all the kind and helpful words.

Sounds like an interesting life and you sound very nice, its good that you are so understanding and sympathetic. Its funny, lately Ive been asking someone why healer types.. the giving sort of person, invariably seem to hook up with problematic, challenged types. Essentially I was asking "Why can't healers hook up with healers because and I want a healer (dammit)" lol. Naturally, we are both healers...

The reply I got from my healer friend was (he's 25) "because we take our personal purpose on this earth into our relationships... we should be with someone to maximize our potential not ANOTHER person for us to fix. I have learned that this year and have had better luck with women and thrown more back into the lake lol "

Its makes a lot of sense, and I used to do the same thing, probably still doing it now.

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Originally Posted by cerulean

Sounds like an interesting life and you sound very nice, its good that you are so understanding and sympathetic. Its funny, lately Ive been asking someone why healer types.. the giving sort of person, invariably seem to hook up with problematic, challenged types. Essentially I was asking "Why can't healers hook up with healers because and I want a healer (dammit)" lol. Naturally, we are both healers...

The reply I got from my healer friend was (he's 25) "because we take our personal purpose on this earth into our relationships... we should be with someone to maximize our potential not ANOTHER person for us to fix. I have learned that this year and have had better luck with women and thrown more back into the lake lol "

Its makes a lot of sense, and I used to do the same thing, probably still doing it now.

I guess I just like a challenge?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin_s

I guess I just like a challenge?

Lol is that so? I never thought of it that way. I have the tools to heal people and invariably sometimes I meet someone, start spending time with them, and it turns into something else before you know it. I always hear people tell me that you can't be someone's lover AND their therapist. I hear it all the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerulean

lol is that so? I never thought of it that way. I have the tools to heal people and invariably sometimes I meet someone, start spending time with them, and it turns into something else before you know it. I always hear people tell me that you can't be someones lover AND their therapist. I hear it all the time.

You know, I've never heard that "can't be their lover AND a therapist." That's really interesting, maybe I should just let her deal with her own problems and just let her come to me when she needs help and just listen when she wants to talk.

Hmm interesting.

If you've told her everything you've written in this post then there nothing more you can do but wait for her to come around. To me I love waking up to my darling doing stuff like that. My body is his and he can do with it what he pleases...

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let her come to me when she needs help and just listen when she wants to talk.

Interesting, as one of the things I have learned in 33 years of marriage is to listen and not try to comment. Sometimes women vent their emotions and are not looking for your input, or solutions. Another thing is if your not listening, you will piss her off.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Interesting, as one of the things I have learned in 33 years of marriage is to listen and not try to comment. Sometimes women vent their emotions and are not looking for your input, or solutions. Another thing is if your not listening, you will piss her off.

Very true. I grew up in a household of 4 women (mom and 3 older sisters) so I guess that's why I'm a little lucky and can understand some of these things easier. She and I are doing good now... but we want to take things slow... kinda like start over.

What bothered me is that she said before she didn't know if she loves me, which I still feel is something you know or not. And that she doesn't want to say it and feel the pressure from it (by that I mean, if we were to break up then she basically doesn't want to feel as bad I guess) I think she's just scared because she does have problems with commitment, but has been faithful and it's one of her demons to defeat. She knows that I love her, if she doesn't want to say it then that's all right, I would rather know she means it when she does say it then to say it and not know.

Anyway, I really appreciate the help guys! Keep it comin'!

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What bothered me is that she said before she didn't know if she loves me, which I still feel is something you know or not

The thing is your making an assumption about HER feelings. You may feel one way and she feels another. This is where HONEST communication come in, as you as you let her know how you feel, and she lets you know how she feels. This is the whole basis of a relationship. The conflict comes in not accepting her feelings, and trying to change them to your own thinking. That would be selfish, and controlling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

The thing is your making an assumption about HER feelings. You may feel one way and she feels another. This is where HONEST communication come in, as you as you let her know how you feel, and she lets you know how she feels. This is the whole basis of a relationship. The conflict comes in not accepting her feelings, and trying to change them to your own thinking. That would be selfish, and controlling.

Why would she want to be back in a relationship (and now talking about moving in) if she didn't have those kind of feelings?

Girls can manipulate... How are things going?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Girls can manipulate...How are things going?

For now we've taken a break since 12/27/07. She still like tells me she loves me and stuff. I understand where she's coming from in that there's a lot of family problems going on, trying to figure out her major/career, and some other things. So I've just kind of stepped back for now.

She is looking for an easy way out trying to make it your fault

I mean think about it. Oh I was with my boyfriend for X amount of time yeah then I was like sleeping one day.. and he was rubbing me and then put his finger inside of me. Well tha was it. I had to leave!

can you see how silly that sounds jesus

tell her to either get a life. Or to stop messing up yours

Regards

Well I forgot to update, but that whole "being taken advantage of" thing blew over, she apologized to me and stated how given some stuff that's happened to her, and that since she was asleep, she freaked out and felt that way.

We got back together, and then now we've taken this break so she can get her stuff together.