I feel like I need to break down and ask her what she is thinking. I'm sick of guessing what is going on in her head. I feel as if I wasn't given the honest reason why we aren't together anymore. If I could just get the honest answer such as "I want to see other guys" then it would make it easier for me to move on. But I haven't found anything that would prove that theory of mine. She claims she doesn't want to lead me on and hurt me but I think not giving me 100% of the truth is leading me on. She hasn't played any string along games like many of my exes but I need the truth. I have spent this past month being as tough as I can without breaking down and talking about the relationship. But being depressed and afraid to get back together because she may move doesn't sound like a reason to me anymore. I look at it this way, I would want to spend every moment with someone I care about before I had to move. And she really isn't going to move. Plus when we broke up she said she needed time to herself and now it has changed to I need to find myself. I feel like I need to hate her in order to move on but I can't hate her for the reasons she has fed me. I could be wrong, maybe these are her reasons.

To explain the feelings I am having with a few examples:

It is like being in prison except they said they never know when they are going to let you out and you are not allowed to ask when.

Or it is like someone you love dying, and god comes to you and says there is one secret way to bring them back to life. You have to think very hard about the secret way. You only get one try, if you don't pick the right way to bring them back then they are going to be dead forever.

But what if she doesn't fully know why? Maybe she just feels different because of what she's going though in life... maybe comparison to friends, because she's graduating, etc. and she's just confused about what it is she wants from life.

If you really feel that way though. Then maybe give her a call and ask her to meet up and let her know how you're feeling... ask her every question you can think of, even about the possibility of down the road and see what she says. But don't get your hopes up, because chances are it won't change much. I did that 2-1/2 weeks ago and all I got was more confusion and disappointment.

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Originally Posted by samesame

Hey Sdjosh, how long did you date your ex...prior to the break-up/get back together? And how is your relationship now compared with before? Just trying to see if their is hope out there for a healthy get back.

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We were together 7 years and lived together for 6 1/2 years. Our relationship now is better than before because we have grown while we have been on our own. We have found a renewed strength in ourselves. The time away from each other has made us both realize what we had and how good we really were together.

It has also made us realize what we were doing wrong... how were were treating each other. Gave us time to think on what we could do to make it better... and to just be happy being yourself.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO!.

Keep busy... do your hobbies and make new ones. Hang out with your friends. You are going to have days that you don't want to do anything... just take it one day at a time. By doing this you become healthy and happy.

Well she did say "who knows maybe we will get back together in 6 months" when we broke up. I thought that was a very cruel thing for her to say. Even though she didn't want to string me along, it has that effect. I thought I got the reason why she wanted to break up when we broke up but now I feel as if I didn't dig deep enough into her true thoughts. Kind of like she didn't want to hurt me with the truth. You could be very right samesame. Maybe she doesn't know. And asking these things a month later will seem very needy and create a large push.

Sdjosh. Didn't you maintain regular contact with her via phone? Did you ever disappear with the no contact route? I've seen your posts and I don't know how you did it. Maybe your girl is much more grown up/honest and was not pushed away by the deep "why" and "what if" relationship conversations. I'm kind of stuck in the macho don't ask about the relationship approach.

Sdjosh, also... did you guys see other people when you were apart. Did that ever come up?

I you do decide to give it another go... take it slow. You can't force anyone to do anything. Don't suffacate her with calls and questions. Work on what you think were the problems in the relationship. Fix you... improve you. You are the main focus here. Stop worrying about if you guys will get back together and take care of what you can control... yourself

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Originally Posted by Sandstorm99

Sdjosh. Didn't you maintain regular contact with her via phone? Did you ever disappear with the no contact route? I've seen your posts and I don't know how you did it. Maybe your girl is much more grown up/honest and was not pushed away by the deep "why" and "what if" relationship conversations. I'm kind of stuck in the macho don't ask about the relationship approach.

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My girl is very honest and up front about stuff... except her feelings. She was cool enough to let me get out what I needed to say and just listen.
Honestly... I almost never contacted her. I let her contact me which she did almost every night. After awhile she would call 3 times a week... and myspace. But I tried never to call her... eventhough I wanted to.

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Originally Posted by samesame

Sdjosh, also.....did you guys see other people when you were apart. Did that ever come up?

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We both decided not to date other people... not just because we still loved each other but... and here is the main reason. We both needed time to deal with what happened. Come to terms with it and grow from it. But how can you date someone when you have all this baggage you are carrying around?

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Originally Posted by samesame

But what if she doesn't fully know why? Maybe she just feels different because of what she's going though in life...maybe comparison to friends, because she's graduating, etc. and she's just confused about what it is she wants from life.

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This is a probably what is going on. It's a transition time in her life where she has to find direction and put her education to use.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by samesame

Then maybe give her a call and ask her to meet up and let her know how you're feeling...ask her every question you can think of, even about the possibility of down the road and see what she says.

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NOOOO! Don't do that. That is exactly the opposite of what you should do. If you just broke up with someone would you want that person begging you to come back... spilling there emotional drama on you... hell no. That is what your friends are for. Go talk to them... get it out. But when you are around her you are confident... you are smiling... happy. Not clingy. Yet again I can't stress enough how much working on yourself helps. Getting back that confidence in yourself goes along way.



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Sdjosh. I'm starting to think that your girl is 100% honest with you and mine was hiding something because she doesn't want to hurt me or have me hate her. I really think she wanted to tell me that the grass is greener on the other side but instead fed me with, I'm depressed, I need time to myself, I need to find myself and I love you but I'm not in love with you, and I might be moving so why get back together. Her excuses sound way too common and over used.

I mainly want to ask her one more time to tell me the whole truth and not tell her how I feel.

Whatever the answer she gives... it won't change the fact that you are hurt and still have feelings for her. But if you feel you must. But it won't help the situation.

The only way you can patch things up is to work on you... fix you. Figure out what happened... what could have been better... and change it. Make yourself happy again. Confidence is sexy.

Well if she was honestly confused about her future then this would allow me accept her one day if she did come back.

However, if she has something wrong in her brain and thinks she can find better after being with me for 4 years. I would really be hurt and move on. I couldn't get back with someone down the road feeling like I was second best. Or feeling like she doesn't know if I'm the one. You know when someone is the one you have been looking for.

You're not going to get that black or white clear cut kind of answer no matter how much you ask her because it most likely does not exist. Believe me, I know more than one person who has tried... me included. And the way she is now... from what it sounds... even if she does finally give you an answer (whether it's the one you're looking for or the one you dread), it'll only be out of pressure, and won't make any good difference, but only make you feel worse. Because all you're really looking for is for her to take you back and start over again, and right now, she's not going to do that.

Obviously you just need to learn the hard way... If not, then your brain will always say "what if"... Let it out one more time and ask your questions... After that, call it quits... You did what you had to do, and now let her deal with that for the rest of her life. You will be okay... We all go through these things at one point and don't think you are stupid or the only one with these situations. One day the right one will come and you will look back and understand why all this happened... Maybe not, but at least you learned a lot... I'm sure your next relationship will be a great one. I wish you the best and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I know how the pain feels. Sooner or later you will have to accept this and tell yourself it is what you must do. I'm rooting for you!

It is crazy how we all have very similar stories with all the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" I've taken several days to think about it all and we all have similar stories with similar outcomes. We all have been forced into no contact because all our other friendly attempts lead to nothing, maybe a dinner/kiss but mainly nothing, with the exception of sdjosh. I can see the hell sdjosh went through to get back with his girl. I decided I won't be asking her for more answers about why she broke up. I will never get them. I'm just going to accept the break up and do nothing. I haven't thought of anything that could possibly get her back so I'm going to do nothing.

I'll update you all if for some crazy reason she comes back but I don't have any hope for that anymore.

Well... it was hell that I went through but it was one of my own doing. I kept the pain close to the surface... kept it close because if I didn't want to face this world without her. But I did it all to myself.

So don't do nothing? The best thing you can do and anyone on this site can do is get YOUR life back. Do things for you... make you happy. Plan things with your friends... get hobbies... hang out and have fun. That's what life is about.

One pattern that I can see is that we all get complacent in our relationships. We build a life around that person we love most and we get so caught up in it that we loose sight of ourselves. We stop doing the things that made us... us. Hanging out with our friends... our hobbies. Things that we were happy doing alone. Things that were ours. That didn't include the person we love.

And by doing this you loose some part of yourself. Maybe confidence... independence... because you spend every moment you can with them. You also loose that X factor. The attraction and excitement you once felt.

So when I say go do you... I mean exactly that. You get back to that place where you are confident... happy. This attracts people to you.

Yeah. I understand what you mean. I think part of all this is because I spent too much time to myself when we were together. I got too caught up in my hobbies etc and didn't spend as time with her as I should. I was so comfortable with her that I completely slacked off, however I can't change the past, it is rough being by myself and alone in most of the things I do. I guess I have no choice but to get used to it. By doing nothing I meant doing nothing when it comes to her. There is nothing I can do to win her back because whatever the secret techinique is, I will never figure it out. I had talked with her mid last week and arranged to meet up this week to talk and she said she would get a hold of me before the beginning of this week. At the time I told her I needed to talk to her but the past 5 days helped me to realize that I don't need to have a talk with her. Maybe she will call or maybe she won't. I'm just going to convince myself that I don't care anymore. If she doesn't care then why should I.

Just curious, what have you been doing with your time the last 2-3 weeks??

To be honest. I haven't been doing anything but staring at the ceiling and the sky. I have no will to work or interest in any of my hobbies. All of my creativity is shot and I can't stop thinking about her and I dread waking up in the morning. I have been going to the gym a few times and riding a mountain bike which I never did before. I used to drink one or two days per week but I haven't drank once since the break up because I was worried I'd break down and call her. Plus the alcohol just makes me think too much and intensifies the effect. I haven't hung out with many of my friends because they always make some sort of jokes about how quiet I've been, and give me the "ahh just get over it" comment. And most of them have disappeared into relationships of their own. So I don't hang out with them much for now. I felt as if I needed a few weeks to be alone and get the sadness out of my system.

This is definitely the worst event so far in my entire life. I've never cried so much. So far no tears in about 3 days so maybe it is time to come out of my cave. I'm almost to the point where I'm not counting days anymore. I just realized it has been a little over a month since the break up.

It took 6 months to "get it" after my break up with my g/f of 3 years and half of that was the woe is me stuff, what a waste. That pity pot can be comfortable, but life and action and people, is what you really need. Shave, shower and find some people or something to do, everyday. Bet you look like hell.:eek: