Live in T.O. for you. Yes, man.

Its funny, growing up in NY, spending most of my career there, moving to Van, spending lots of time in Toronto,
There's this sense of who's rocking it here in Canada (fascinating). Overall jealously & insecurity. NY vs. LA thing. Ones that killed rappers.

Success is about being happy and feeling love. Not where you live or where your from. Actions, right?

Doesn't sound like either one of us are feeling too much love in the past few days...

... aand as I'm dosing off here..

Ha, I liked that post ^.

It's almost as if... if 'them' came back into our laps... would we feel the love? I don't think we would... and yet, I still don't mind.

Fighting those demons. Yup.

Locked & loaded, again. The ammo is waiting on the floor.

Shoot straight.

.. how we doing today van... we got a little dark there..

Not much love in this thread guys. Are you actively healing yourselves and trying to meet new people everyday?

Im doing better.
Spend the weekend with some really good friends.

Sorry for the lack of love here, had a pretty rough week.

Hope to reconcile with myself the week.

Yes, I try to meet people as much as I can.

It's OK to feel down I guess, but try to stay positive and energetic. Take care.

Tomorrow marks 4mo. Of NC.

Not sure I even think about it that way. As a milestone. I made this commitment and stuck with it. Im like that. I feel glad in hindsight that Ive kept the physical drama at bay, amongst those attempts from her.

It also in a way, makes me sad at times. To remove her as she did me. The lingering curiousity and assumption that she is happy as a clam & I am simply a repressed thought. To be forced, in a way to go NC, while still in love & turmoil. And later, to try & face my own demons and learn how best to cope.

Sometimes I feel like Im in a dream state where this whole thing was all in my mind, other times clear and hope for this bringing me happiness.

My salvation has been my gratitude for my friends and the people I have in my life. My talent, my goodness.

I never thought that this road would be so difficult. But, Im still driving after some serious crashes.

Thanks everyone.

Hi I'm sorry to hear about your loose. You two have a deep Bonding wich is why you feel so down and left out. To me she seems like she has dreams and has many ideas and goals.But also she lives too much in a imagination, she likes to do many things at ones and gets bored easyly with one thing .Artistic Wise. I would give you the Advice to give her the time she needs sometimes its good to take a little break.I believe ones you let her go. She may return to you. You will not loose her.But its important do not pressure her. And next year around Springtime all may be forgotten (March April)What I do not like is the fact that she ended the Relationship over the Phone.Also I see Money issues around this. But it all will sorted in time.I wish you all the best
Greetings
Carmina

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I never thought that this road would be so difficult. But, Im still driving after some serious crashes.

Thanks everyone.

---

The road is difficult but you will get to a time where you look back and realized how much you gained from the experience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I never thought that this road would be so difficult. But, Im still driving after some serious crashes.


Carry on and don't look back.

Just remember that the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.

Thanks.

Actually scribbled that one a while back. A good one.
Its about practicing it. And how.

Ive been going from despair to enlightenment all through this.

Takes time I guess, were all different. Different circumstances, different skills. Different levels of awareness. Different analogies.

Im breaking through another door. Feel silly still posting, in a way.

And thanks, carmilla.
You've pegged her to a T.
One thing, Im not waiting for anything from her, never want to see or hear from her again. And yeah that phone call is a big trigger in so many ways.

"Reach out & touch someone"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks.

Actually scribbled that one a while back. A good one.
Its about practicing it. And how.

Ive been going from despair to enlightenment all through this.

Takes time I guess, were all different. Different circumstances, different skills. Different levels of awareness. Different analogies.

Im breaking through another door. Feel silly still posting, in a way.

And thanks, carmilla.
Youve pegged her to a T.
One thing, Im not waiting for anything from her, never wanna see or hear from her again. And yeah that phone call is a big trigger in so many ways.

"Reach out & touch someone"

---

Hi Y'all,

I've been away for a while, and for some reason, wasn't getting notices on new posts. Glad to see the love and liberation continue.

Looks like this is carving out some real space in you, Van. Despair to enlightenment is not a bad path. You already have overflow (of energy) from which you are supporting others. Should be fun breaking through those doors. (Some are unlocked, you know.) Enjoy it all.

Tao

Tomorrow marks 4mo. of NC.

Not sure I even think about it that way. as a milestone. I made this commitment and stuck with it.

Van,this is the first time I am posting anything on your thread but I have been following your posts very religiously.I especially appreciate the journal-like way you write,which gives an update of your progress,ups and downs.Reading your posts and the replies to them are so informative.And learning and evolving never stops:D

I know exactly what you mean when you say that these 4 months of NC,while a great achievement in many ways(which I know that you are aware of),don’t really feel like a milestone precisely because it feels so forced,so absolutely tedious at times.Van,that’s why it takes so much of an effort,so much of our mental stamina,perseverance,grit,simply because it isn’t easy.It isn’t easy at all.Most of life’s valuable lessons come at a heavy price,I suppose, and a few of us have been chosen to learn our lesson really well:)

You have come a long way in the last 4 months and the best way to acknowledge that and feel good about this journey so far,is to go back to your earlier posts and compare them with your recent ones.Thats the only way we can really remind ourselves of the reason why we chose to undertake this road,of learning,growing,healing and transforming and also applaud ourselves for making it.Its still not over and you still need to plod ahead till the time when you really and truly feel changed and healed inside out to the extent that your post reads something like : Today marks __months of NC and it feels exhilarating ,almost like a fresh lease of life.

You might even want to buy ALL of us some beer that day:p

Thanks starry for posting.

I appreciate your kind words.

Yes, AMHD has been my journal for the past 4 months, aside from my daily notes to myself. Believe me, I owe all of you a drink or two.

Still feel in limbo at times, spinning my wheels. Guess I haven't truly shedded my skin fully. Still a day doenst go by where I don't think about her.

Can't wait for that day you mentioned

Hey,

Need a bit of advice.
Got a VM from a friend of my ex's yesterday.
He is friend and acquaintance, not super close, but a photographer that I have worked with many times, and spend lots of times with. I met him through her.

He called to see how I am & gave me a potential job tip.

I didn't respond. I made myself a pact to not be in contact with anyone of my ex's friends or associates, past or present.

I wouldn't mind following up with the lead, but feel weird about it. Feel like if I do, I should respond to thank him.

Just makes me feel paranoid. Not sure if its 100% sincere. Is that totally crazy?

Thanks,
Van

Never mind.

I answered my own question.
NC. No Drama. Screw that tip. Haven't heard from him in 6 mo. Or more.

Nice tip. Thanks, yo. More enlightenment.

Read this series as a teen and again recently.

I was about to put the book in a gift pile with a bunch of music for my friend and decided to look at the authors notes again. Read this then put it back in the pile.

Timely with my thoughts & postings.

A leading quote from "The Teachings of Don Juan"

"For me there is only traveling on paths that have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to transverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly"

Now, lets party...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vanheart

Nevermind.

I answered my own question.
NC. No Drama. Screw that tip. Havent heard from him in 6 mo. or more.

Nice tip. thanks, yo. More enlightenment.

---

Van,this is how it pans out gradually,the NC and recovery thing.You begin to get to a point where you're thinking things through and are able to decide what benefits you and what doesn't.

You did right.Maybe in future you will also reach a position where you're able to decide to follow-up on tips like this from friends of your ex(what the heck,work's work and sometimes you do need to think very professionally when it comes to what's best for your career).But again,that's when YOU decide YOU want to do it.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks starry,

As annoying as it is, I don't need the extra drama.
Its strange, when you become the invisible man, it brings incredible empowerment at times, other times moral weakness.

I just don't need or want my ex or any of our mutual friends to know what Im up to.