Ok, so I am seeing her again later tonight. I don't know if I will tell her anything tonight because I just need to compose myself. I am feel very off balance and need to be composed before saying anything. But... if the opportunity does arise I will let her know. It all depends on how she feels.

I agree with Tal and how I should tell her that I was wrong for thinking that I was ready for a committed relationship. I will tell her how I need to back up now so that I do not hurt her in the long run. Will I tell her that we are breaking up? I don't know but I will let her know that I need to take a few steps back.

This needs to happen soon because I do not want to continue stringing her along because she does deserve a nice guy who will be committed to her.

I need to go work out though, get some tension off my body.

*smacks head on desk*

Take care of yourself first and foremost and don't stay with her just because you don't want to hurt her, you'll end up hurting her more.

Being single and taking care of yourself is a good thing, you'll attract tons of women. I mean you will attract so much you will be fed up. I'm in that stage right now.

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Originally Posted by paxe

Take care of yourself first and foremost and don't stay with her just because you don't want to hurt her, you'll end up hurting her more.

Being single and taking care of yourself is a good thing, you'll attract tons of women. I mean you will attract so much you will be fed up. I'm in that stage right now.

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Yeah I have several things keeping me back from returning back to my normal state.

1.) I am having ex withdrawals, and even though she is out of my life I still have feelings for her. She is not making it easier but constantly trying to rub things in my face. But hopefully after this semester I will be seeing even less of her. Its hard to move on when your ex throws in your face how she has a new boyfriend, flirts, hangs out with all your old friends, and acts innocent through this whole thing.

2.) I am having a difficult time deciding how I feel about this new girl. Even though I have seen plenty of red flags there is still something keeping me from breaking up with her. My brain, heart, and gut all have intermixed feelings and I cannot get myself to break up with her. One side does not want to give up the friends that I met through her, give up having a partner, and give up a relationship. Another side tells me that she is not a good match for me and that I should heal before dating again.

3.) I need to work on being single. I thought I was and I kept on telling myself this up to a point where I started believing myself. But now I see that I am not. I thought being in another relationship would help but now that I am in a relationship, I do not want it as much as I thought I did. But for some reason right now I do not have enough courage to be single. I sounds so weak of me but its true. I am afraid of being single because I have been hurt so much in the last few months.

We all need to learn how to be single and being happy single. A relationship is supposed to make us feel happy with ourselves and the person we're with.
The fear of being single, sadly keeps quite a few people in relationships that don't make them happy.
I think you know that what you need to do is get over your ex completely,date and get to know more people and then start a new relationship when you're ready for it.

1. You need to try and avoid her at all costs. If it is impossible and she continues to try and bother you, you need to put your foot down and tell her the deal. Tell her that you do not want to talk or see her anymore... Plain and simple.

2. You need to be honest with her and yourself and tell her how you feel.

3. Being single isn't bad. You just need to find things to fill your time that are fun and allow you to meet new people.

More than anything, being single is about standing on your own, your own feet, your own life and utilizing your own skills do do anything you want. Developing a life that eventually is attractive to others as one they want to share in. A significant other doesn't make you, you make yourself, and it is the self you make that leads to love and such.

It is time you became a truly self identifying person and not someone who relies on the emotions of another to lift himself up or utilize as a crutch. It is scary having to do this, having to depend on only yourself and not get the love and support of that special someone, but it is crucial in development of a young adolescent to a true adult.

I also don't even think you should date. Your emotions are such that you will blow certain things out of proportion. You need to focus on being happy single and forget the other stuff. If you can't honestly keep things in perspective, you shouldn't be dating anyone. Just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

1. You need to try and avoid her at all costs. If it is impossible and she continues to try and bother you, you need to put your foot down and tell her the deal. Tell her that you do not want to talk or see her anymore... Plain and simple.
Easier said then done since I work with her, have two classes with her, and have many common friends. But you are right. I do need to put my foot down and let her know. It will be easier next semester since I will only have one class with her and it will be a large lecture class so I will never even need to see her. I will still work with her but I think our schedules will be different so we won't even see each other at work.

2. You need to be honest with her and yourself and tell her how you feel.
Yes, I realize this very much. I just need to gather enough courage to pull this off. I tried once a day ago and well she kind of made it much harder for me by being a sweetheart, telling me that all those red flags are in her past, and just by being very accepting of me.

3. Being single isn't bad. You just need to find things to fill your time that are fun and allow you to meet new people.

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Yeah when I was single for that month it was not all that bad at all. I was able to hang out with many different girls, have more time to myself, and just socialize with friends. I have a ton on my plate as it is with school, 3 jobs, and my psychology research.


I guess I really do enjoy just having someone by me that I can have in depth conversations with, share intimate moments, and enjoy female company.
It wouldn't be as hard if I could do some of these things with friends. But my current friends are the typical college males whose only love is football and are to masculine to talk about anything "touchy" or philosophical. I am a psychology student so I love to analyze human behavior and most of my friends are engineers who are great friends but tend to have very concrete thoughts and do not enough conversations about human behavior, philosophy and spirituality.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

More than anything, being single is about standing on your own, your own feet, your own life and utilizing your own skills do do anything you want. Developing a life that eventually is attractive to others as one they want to share in. A significant other doesn't make you, you make yourself, and it is the self you make that leads to love and such.

It is time you became a truly self identifying person and not someone who relies on the emotions of another to lift himself up or utilize as a crutch. It is scary having to do this, having to depend on only yourself and not get the love and support of that special someone, but it is crucial in development of a young adolescent to a true adult.

I also don't even think you should date. Your emotions are such that you will blow certain things out of proportion. You need to focus on being happy single and forget the other stuff. If you can't honestly keep things in perspective, you shouldn't be dating anyone. Just my opinion.

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I agree with your opinion and I believe that you are completely right. All through high school, I did not care if I was in a relationship. I did not look for one and I was completely content just being single. I even knew that if I wanted to be in a relationship that I could have been in one but I just enjoyed being single. I never feared or needed anyone by my side. But once I met my first love it changed me. Now I tend to depend more on people for emotional support. It is more difficult to be single because I really enjoy what a relationship can do for a couple. I need to return to my old self where I only depended on myself and nobody else.

So today I am insanely busy with school work. I went from class straight to the library to work on a 10 page paper. I am staying up all night to finish this paper. My girlfriend called to find out how my day was going. She found out what my night entails and surprised me at the library with a small study package that included some food, fruit, and energy drinks. I thought that was so adorable and thoughtful but at the same time it makes it much harder for me to break up with her.

Should I continue giving her a chance?

It looks like the main problem is that you are somewhat afraid of losing for whatever reason. Honestly, it seems for your own good and for her own good you need to break up. The more time you take, the more painful it is going to take.

Think of it as doing a favor for her, if down the line you are not compatible, it's going to break her heart much more than if you do it now.

If you want to stick with her, you better have no doubt.

This is what I think; Take it for what it's worth:

Back in one of my previous posts (#500) I said that people make choices as the grow up that determine who they become as adults. Many times these choices serve as learning experiences that we base our future decisions from.

You say that she is a party girl and uses recreational drugs . She claims it is only once in a while and she hasn't done it lately. Have you talked to her about that? Have you told her how her occasional drug use and partying makes you feel? Maybe she will work on straightening herself out if you support her.

I think she is making obvious moves that show she really likes you. The whole study package was completely unexpected. Everyone on this board says time and time again that actions speak louder than words. She is working to keep you around.

If you can forget her past mistakes, tell her how her lifestyle makes you feel, and support her if she makes the choice to straighten up, then I would say give her a chance. It seems she is putting forth some sort of effort to being with you.


If you can't do that, then I agree with paxe. You need to step to the plate and quit leading her on. You are confused because you rushed into this too fast. You still have the choice of slowing things down, but you need to communicate this to her. Remember communication is key here. She will most likely understand and work with you if she wants to be with you. If she doesn't, then let her walk.

Just from where I sit, you take whatever she gives you, enjoy it, an cry about being afraid to tell her the truth.

I think you have used the inexperienced excuse enough. I think you have used the fear excuse long enough.

Get off your a$$, and at least act like a man, even if you don't know how. As the say in the Nike commercial, "Just Do It"

Sorry to be harsh (Not really) but its your move.

Well... I did it. I feel horrible and in no way relieved.

I told her how I HONESTLY felt. I told her that there were some red flags raised that makes me super cautious. Also, I told her how there are some values that I have that do not match up with her. I told her how I feel we rushed into this relationship and I would like to slow it down. I did NOT break up with her but rather I just told her how I felt and if she wanted to continue seeing me that it would be great. I also told her that if she did not want to see me again that I would understand.

I feel horrible having told this to her because she is so into me. She is a great girl and deserves to be treated well. But my dumbass hurt her.

Right after I told her this she became instantly withdrawn and distant. She would not look at me and continued saying "Im fine." Which we all know that is not what it means. She wouldn't talk any further about it so I gave her the space she needed. We are seeing each other tomorrow.


This sucks. REALLY bad.

I don't understand why you,having the doubts you've voiced, can't bring yourself to break up with her? This is a mess,but you're allowing it to remain a mess. Sorry,but what are you doing here? Trying to push her into breaking it off ? If she were on this board asking for advice, that's what I would advice her to do.

It's great that you were up front with her about all the things that were bothering you. She now knows how you feel. Hopefully you were not too harsh... I think the way she reacted is normal for this situation.

Now that you have done this, it's time to work together to make this something you both can thrive in and enjoy. If you are still having doubts, then it would be best to let this end and find someone else.

Don't hesitate to do things anything you need for yourself because you you're afraid of hurting someone else's feelings. You can't make everyone happy all the time, and sometimes the feelings we have or the choices we make don't make other people happy. That's life.

So technically you haven't broken up with her and you're leaving her the choice of breaking up. Seriously, I'm not sure when you are going to man up. This is a mess from the beginning and as amicon said, you're making it worse and worse. You're seeing each other after that? Great, that will go smoothly. With what you said, she isn't going to stay long with you and there is a possibility that she may cheat on you.

Really? You have to be kidding. First of all telling me to man up does not do a thing for me. I chose to not break up with her. Its not because I didn't have the balls to do it. I chose this route.

Everybody, told me to tell her how I feel. That's what I did.

I did not break up with her because there are a lot of qualities that attract me to her and I would like to continue seeing her to see if we can turn this into a great relationship.

The answer to everyone's problem her is break up. No wonder the U.S has such high divorce rates.

Hey buddy,
You're the one suffering from your past mistakes: contacting ex over and over, going into a new relationship thinking you're OK, then having ex withdrawals and seeing that your current girlfriend isn't what you hoped for...

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

I did not break up with her because there are a lot of qualities that attract me to her and I would like to continue seeing her to see if we can turn this into a great relationship.

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If that is true why are you suffering, having doubts and why aren't you over your ex?
The problem here is that you've taken the middle ground, you haven't broken with her but you've told her your feelings thinking all the problems will vanish (as before).

My answer from the beginning was to heal, and not jump into a new relationship with all the complications it had led to and that we have all foresaw. The path that you've taken will bring you more pain.

While we can advise, and give opinions, we can't dictate, only wait and see what happens. Everything happens for a reason, and either she will agree, and go at a much slower pace, or stop seeing you.

I think you just have to wait and see, where the path you have chosen takes you, and deal with it accordingly.

Your seeing her tomorrow, (today? ) so not a long time to see what happens next.

I agree with Tal, only time will tell how things will work. I think that if you both put a good honest effort toward things, you will be fine. Take things slow, enjoy your time together and learn more about each other.

I don't think you're off to a bad start. It would have been bad if she didn't want to see you today/tomorrow, but she does. When you see her, don't keep rehashing that conversation over and over. Enjoy your time together and do something fun!