I'm 31 just like you. I share your pain and I feel so sorry for you that you have met with this type of person --- such a jerk. But what made me wordless is your obsession over him. You let this guy continue to have influence on you, still open almost every channel of contacts and connections with him, and also your non-stop same type of questions "Why he do that?, why he do this?"

May I ask you why? Why doing this to yourself? Even I don't know you before, I feel that this is absolutely unhealthy and come on... we are 31 now!

When my ex dumped me 2 months ago saying that he never loved me and he just can't pretend any longer. I was in deep shock, after all the nice things I have done for him for years. I feel being used, being lied to, and feel so worthless. I spent time figure out what's going on and there are thousands of stuffs going in my head for weeks. Then I just come to a conclusion that "I deserve a lot better --- than this jerk who always suffer me, the one I deserve will be the one who is a good kind person in his character, who won't leave me for other girl, who won't lie to me, who won't cheat on me, who will always stand by me, and who truly care for me." And the belief that I deserve better give me strength to get over him and I know that one day I will totally get over him. I still feel so hurt sometimes and think about it a lot but my strong will to keep moving forward not backward make me get through it day by day.

And you know what I have done since the day he dumped me? SINCE THE FIRST DAY HE DUMPED ME, I changed all my numbers he knows, I blocked him from all possible connections he had with me, I even blocked all mutual friends, and blocked all the emails, and tell mutual friends to totally shut up about him, so he has no single way to reach me at all nor do I care if he tried to do it. And for me, do I want to contact him or visit his Facebook or ask some friends about him? Yes! I really want to do it a lot. But again it’s my strong will to move forward and I realize that doing all those things are useless and will only cause me pain, so I never do it. I never contact him in any way at all and I know that this is the right way to go. Dignity and pride make me feel good about myself.

You should stop figuring out someone as it consumes so much energy! And all your “why” questions come up with only one answer that “It’s so clear that he is not a good person and even clearer that this guy doesn’t love you at all!”

I think your problem is that you never really want to give up with this guy, to be honest. You stuck and you obsess and you just can’t quit this cycle because deep inside you don’t really want to do it yet. You still seem to enjoy suffering yourself and enjoy texting and knowing about him and then come here and ask “why” and “why”. I think you should ask yourself “Why I still holding on to this?”

This has to begin with the strong will inside your heart and your mind that you want to end it and really feel enough with it. You have to see by yourself what’s good and what’s bad for you. It’s so clear for us but maybe it takes more time for you.

You have to love yourself. I don’t think you do. Sorry to be so straightforward but people who love themselves will not do what you do to yourself right now. As for me, even if I cry for 24 hours everyday for months (which I’m not!), I will never ever contact or want to keep in touch or want to know anything about anyone who dumped me, or used me, or lied to me, or suffer me. I don't want my dream guy waiting for me out there for too long by stucking on this past nightmare. Case closed.

wonderlife thanks for your reply. I think you were right in that you said I was trying to figure him out and that consumes too much energy. I had a unknown number missed call on my phone last week and knew it was him but I just deleted it and moved on. Im ot interested anymore in what he is up to, I know he is with her and that's enough for me to pack my bags and get the hell out of this cycle. I really do hope they are happy together but I doubt that will last for long with his lies and cheating ways.

I agree that I was living in the past for a long time and stupidly dwelling on the whys all the time instead of moving on and looking forward to my future. I don't really think of him much anymore, and one the few occasions that I do I just think of something else and the thought soon passes.

He has just left me with a bitternesss that I can't seem to shake off but I'm trying so so hard, that's maybe why I always ask the why why why questions, as if I understand why he treated me so badly then I could try and figure out how to get over it?? But from the advice on here I understand that il never understand why he did these nasty things to me so I need to try and move on without answers

That's life-you move on-strong and never mind the answers- just being you-and trusting that life is good. Don't spend another moment thinking about him.
Ok?

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Originally Posted by amicon

Thats life-you move on-strong and never mind the answers- just being you-and trusting that life is good. Dont spend another moment thinking about him.
Ok?

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OK hun, I'm doing my best to move on and forget that chapter of my life, it's a chapter I regret so so much. Anymore messages and il just delete without reading I 101% promise xx :):)

I would have done the same thing, change my number and blocked every possible way he could contact me, and Louise you haven't done that yet. I don't understand what your hanging on too. He is still consuming your life, it's over and he should have been over inside of you a very long time ago. Like wonderlife said, it's dignity and pride.

NC, when you make the decision to do so and are committed, becomes easy & after a while, second nature.

The hard part is the soul searching & digging deep into ourselves to recognize why we make certain decisions in our life.

In essence, we are in control of every action we take. And the successes & failures that come with those decisions.

Im happy to hear that you are starting on a new path.
Good luck, you can do it.

Van

Thank you all for your messages, I'm going to delete any messages without reading as sully I can't change my number as I'm on contract, that is the only contact method he has with me as he is not one of my FB friends etc. I just regret ever meeting the jerk tbh, it makes me mad that he used me like that but it is an event that has taught me a few good lessons in life.

I would look into that Louise, that isn't true you can't change your number, because one of my friends just changed her number recently, and she was on contract. We all are! When you call them and tell them you are being harassed they have no problem changing it. You don't have to keep that number. You get so far Louise, and then you fall back in that same path of wondering. It's over, he is a jerk!

A year is far to long to have carried this on. He has made a game of harassing you and it may be time to take more aggressive tactics against him.

I agree with Sully, contact your contractor and simply explain your situation, and see about changing your number, or contact the police.

At some point, you may have to consult a male family member, or your new b/f, to have a word with him.

By now you already know that passively talking to him only fuels him further, and that has to stop, and you will have to eventually accept that evil, trifling people are in the world, that want to hurt you, and you have to protect yourself from them. Being nice is not an option, nor dwelling on why they are the way they are.

Being timid, and allowing their behavior is NOT an option either. Get that number changed.

Lou.let it go-too much time-too much energy wasted-ok? Be strong ignore,ignore and ignore. Lol x

Why he did all these nasty things to you from the past up until the present time?

Because you let him to. And if you enjoy it and you love this type of person and don't think you deserve better, then please stop reading all the great advices posted by lot of nice people here. If not, then, you should take some serious actions to get you out of this painful cycle.

When someone hurts you once, it will be a lot smarter to figure out all the smart helpful ways not to let them do it to you ever again - than to figure out why they did what they did.

I strongly suggest that you have to start with the first step, which you should start it strictly and seriously long long time ago. It's a total No-Contact with the person and not let him have any channels to contact you. It will still affect you emotionally and negatively if you still have to see missed call and text messages from him or else, even if you deleted them all. I think you know what I mean --- make it total clean and clear.

And when you continue to do it for a period and continue to distance yourself from the past by not involve with him at all, there'll be a time when you will be able to see the past as it actually happened in a more rational ways --- like you are outside viewer. You may finally know what was going on and what you should do that will be best for yourself.

For me, I start thinking rational, seeing things clearer, and knowing what to do when he was totally out of my life.

For you, please begin with the first step. And NC in my book doesn't mean doing it for a week and after that visit his Facebook, or reply to his text, or answer his call, and then back to NC again like a cycle that never end. You can't let it happen at all, not even once.

Clean and clear, I have to stress here --- not involve with him at all and don't let him involve with you at all. Go forward only.