Ask Me Help Desk - "I really like you, but I still love my ex of 10 yrs!"

No, she is not confused. Move on. You made a little bit of progress in that you slept with her. Now that is off the table. However, sex really does not mean anything unless you are in a committed relationship, WHICH YOU DO NOT HAVE.

Questions to ask yourself:
1. Can I go on like this?
2. Can I trust her?
3. What do I want in a relationship?
4. Is she able to provide what I need?
5. Am I able to provide what she needs?

You have to be TOTALLY honest in this. I honestly don't think that she is capable of giving you what you need.

We all saw this coming! You reap what you sow.
So now are you going to apologize for getting mad at her for doing half of what you do? And the move forward to a mutually respectful closed relationship?

Or are you going to break up because she's been following the very rules that you established--an open relationship?

Sorry I'm being harsh, but I do not understand on what basis you got angry.

Mom of 2, I think that both of them are playing games with each other and they both ar at fault here.

Tab, was already warned in the past by her about her still being in love with her ex and instead of that being a sign to leave her alone he decided to stay in hopes of her changing her mind.

Then for whatever reasons an open relationship was form, another stupid thing. Now he can't handle it because now he knows she has been seeing some else and she confess that she him. Meanwhile he's up meeting girls at clubs and having "meaningless sex" with them but he don't like them but is getting something from them that she wasn't providing.

The main reason that he is angry is because he have to worry about this new guy in town instead of the boyfriend that is in another country.

This is what happens when games are played and your emotions get involved. Neither one of you have cleaned hands in this and sadly other people are just going get caught up in this web.

Yes, both of them ARE playing games. On top of that, he found out that she was doing the same things that he was doing and he is upset with that.

I only posed those questions to him because he sounded like he was FINALLY asking for real advice. He needs to ask those questions HONESTLY to find out what he wants.

Personally, I don't give much hope for this relationship. Too many games have been played and not a lot of honesty has been shown. Yeah, I know Tab, you claim that both of you have been honest with each other, but both of you have hidden agendas and both of you are guilty of keeping certain things from each other. So, NO, you really have not been honest with each other.

We have been saying from the get go that there are a lot of games going on, you continued to refute it and then look what happened? I hate to say I (we) told you so, BUT...

A new year is coming soon are you going drag this into the next year? Because as you stated "your both are single".

I agree with liz28 that now I have a threat... the new guy actually doesn't live in Dubai, but visits here every once in a while... she met him at work, called her several times, and he came to dubai last week for work and she went on a couple of dates with him

So yes, what got me angry is what I have always ben saying: I can handle her not being fully ready to move forward because of her ex, but not because of some new prick

And what bothered me is how he picked her up from work and took her to dinner (smthg we always do), and it bothers me that she likes him!

I had so many girls that I could have liked (nice, decent, pretty girls) that may have given me a stable relationship. But I would always tell them I'm busy with my ex or I would stick to partying with my friends... I was always holding back from liking another girl... apparently she wasn't doing the same

Today, I went to the gym, and she was there! I obviously ignored her, but she comes says hi and tries to hug me.. I don't hug back.. when she is talking to me, I'm giving one word answers

She left, but then she called me later.. she asked me if I'm talking to her or not... I told her that today I just want to be left alone.. just wanted to go to the gym and be in peace... didnt want to talk to her or anyone else

She told me she wants to see me to talk about last night... I didn't mind that, so we met up

We had a nice dinner... over dinner I told her straight out: "its true u can do what u want, and i can do what i want..but what bothered me is that u like someone else and u had dinner with him and he picked u up from work, the same things we do...i love u too much to share you...if u really like this guy and want to see where it goes, then i will tell u goodbye and wish u the best...i would love for things to stay the same way or more between us, but i can't handle sharing u with anyone...but apparently, its ok to like someone else and maybe kiss them, so i guess i will go out and do the same"

I asked her if she was going to continue talking to this fool, she said "i dont know" (which means yes obviously)... I told her, do what you want, but if I ever feel like I'm sharing you, then its goodbye... and until then, I guess its OK for me to actively like and date other girls

After the nice dinner we kissed, changed the conversation, and dropped her home... she said she wants to see me tmrw, I said we'l lsee

I know some of you are wondering why I got angry if it was an open relationship... I got angry because she liked someone else... sure she said she loves me and she finally had sex with me (which is a big step in her book), but it still bothered me

In fact, I'm still angry, and I'm going to use this anger to go out and actually meet someone else... no more tamales (bc it seems me and my ex are fully physical now), but I guess its OK for me to like someone else...

I won't lie, part of it is so I can give her a taste of her own medicine, and part of me is a bit disappointed, so I don't mind meeting a girl now that will love me equally and treat me with no drama

Anyway, I will take it slow ith my ex... now we are in a new phase where we have the emotional bond, and finally the physical bond... this is also interesting to see where it leads

Mom of 2: she was trying to make me decide, but then I transferred the ball to her court... I told her I decided: if I'm going to have to share you or I feel like I'm sharing you, then bye.. bc I love you too much to do that... but until then, I guess its apparent that I can like other girls and go on dates and maybe kiss them... so I will do that

If she is going to keep talking to this guy.. let her do it... I can't tell her what to do... but now she knows that I will be liking other girls, not only tamales, and that if she gets serious with this fool then she will lose me forever...

In fact, she reiterated today that she doesn't want to lose me, I mean a lot to her, etc... I told her "then dont lose me"

The truth: I want to be in a fully committed relationship with her.. she knows this.. and you guys know this... she is the one that is not ready and has excuses

My agreement to the open relationship and me screwing tamales was as a REACTION... I prefer being with her only... but if she is not ready to be serious, then I will be out looking for a girl that will or screwing tamales until she is ready... being in an open rlationship has its positives as well

asking: of course I'm happy we finally had sex, and appreciate the step forward she made... that is why I decided to see her tonight and we had a good time, etc. and I'm interested to see where it goes now, since it became physical

But you can't tell me that me sleeping with meaningless tamales when we were broken up(and when she wasn't sleeping with me), is worse than her LIKING and maybe KISSING someone else when things were good between us

Anyway. Like talaniman said... all cards on the table.. she told me about this new guy, I told her abou me sleeping with someone, I told her that I can't share her and that I will start dating other girls, and now we finally have the sex thing... im interested to see where it goes... I guess take it day by day

If she is going to keep talking to him, then I'm going to go out Friday night with the boys ONLY, put on my pretty face ;) and turn up the charm, and see what goes down

Take care all, thanks

Oh my gosh, that's great, have a hissy fit. That's the perfect solution.

"hissy fit"? Where? When? Elaborate..

If your eluding to me getting bothered that she went on dates... lets see how she will act if she gets a taste of her own medicine

Might I recall the "her following me to the club at 2am" incident

TrueFaith starts to

-----bang his head on a wall---...

----Blood starts to come out---

---Screams WHY!!!

Well Tab, I seem to think that sex is worst then kissing and liking someone.

The game continues! I wonder will you two let the other people on to what your doing? Because in the end I only feel sorry for them.

Take the guy for instance that likes this girl. Does he know she is in an open relationship or is she not telling him this. I think he would have more of a right to get mad than you do.

Again, you can get mad that she had dinner with someone else. That's what getting to know someone is all about.

Your both are playing with fire and sooner or later someone is going get burn.

Tab
You are a far more patient man than I would ever be.

If I remember correctly wasn't the ONLY reason she wouldn't be with you because of her Ex of 10 years , well it looks to like she's found a NEW reason.

I thought relationships were supposed to be FUN!!

Hissy fit- what kids do when they can't get their way

You have to admit, as hard as you worked to get some tail, and then to go off because, she had dinner while in an open relationship, is the stuff of... kids.

You did agree to an open relationship didn't you.

Now what?

Was that tail worth all this drama you put yourself through?

Seems you should be walking around with a goofy grin, and bragging to the boys, how you broke yo' b... down.

Naw, all we get is a hissy fit, because she played your game better than you did playa'!

Quote:

U are a smart guy... I know when you are calm and think about this, you will know that I only want to be with u, and know how I really feel about u, and what I want with u...

Classic!! Now go fishing, and forget the boys.

That my advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Hissy fit-
Naw, all we get is a hissy fit, because she played your game better than you did playa'!!

Im sorry... But..

HAHA!!

Dude,

You have been honest on here. And I respect that. You just fell for the wrong girl and if you look at my original posts the answers are ALL THERE.

Love is blind but AMHD ain't.

Hang in there man. Sorry you got hurt. I'd refer back to my original advice and let this gal go. Just bad timing. Perhaps time to stop letting her whip you... and you yourself :-)

1) it wasn't just dinner... they went on several dates and she said she likes him... I didn't like any of the tamales, so there is a difference... thats why I had a "hissy fit"

2) she did eventually sleep with me, that's true... even after she went on the dates with the guy... and she is the one that suggested to come over... so of course that is a plus and a step forward

talaniman: your saying that I should be bragging to the boys instead of having a "hissy fit"... but smthg tells me that if I did that and I wrote this here, all of you would be all over me saying "look at tabbarat, he doesnt care about this girl...he is bragging...see, we always said that he was only with her for the sex, etc.".. u guys always find a way to criticize

Well now I had sex with her after 7mnths... how come I'm still with her and how come she still wants me? Hmmmm

This proves that I'm with her for more than just waiting to get sex

Look, there are feelings there of course... she wouldn't have stayed with me, and I wouldn't have stayed with her if there wasn't... there is a bond we have... if you guys see us in dubai, you would think we were newly-weds or smthg

I guess the problem is being in an open relationship if you have feelings... u should have little feelings if you are in an open relationship... this is where I might have made a mistake... I did agree to an open relationship, but having the feelings of a "closed" one

But her telling me that she is actually out dating, instead of what I'm doing (tamales), makes me realize that I should do the same and think less with my heart

I didn't appreciate the "she played ur game better than u playa" comment... sure she met someone, but I also was out having fun, and more importantly, she decided to have sex with me, and she is still with me... I told her that I don't want to share her with anyone.. so if she is going to pursue things with this guy then it will be over, and I told her that now I will be out DATING as well... yet we are still together... we actually saw each other today... picked her up from work and had lunch

Later we might go to the gym.. if not, then I will go out with my friends and try to pick up chicks

The truth: I know that I should probably cut my losses and leave... and knowing this and the bit of anger I have, is what is going to help me go "fishing"

And I will do that... but for now we BOTH like being with each other everyday, and we BOTH like the sex.. so I ask myself why dump her?

She supposedly met someone she likes... why doesn't she dump me?

We both have a chance or reason to cut it now, but we are both not taking it... I thinks it's a mixture of 1) we are used to each other... 2) we still really like each other 3) we still have fun together 4) both still not fully ready to be in a serious relationship with someone else

After her ex of 10 yrs, she isn't ready for another serious relationship... so she isn't looking for one...

And I'm only looking for a serious relationship with her AT THE MOMENT

So for now, we are in this strange kind of relationship... I nwhich we really like each other, have sex, but we are free to date other people

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, blah. It's more of the same reationalization. Do what you want, because you're going to do it anyway. There is no one but yourself to blame when your master plan does not work out the way that you wanted.

She is not with you. If she was, she would not be with someone else.

Isn't it interesting that she conveniently has these guys that are not from Dubai. Makes you wonder, huh? Does she have an itch to perhaps go somewhere else? Does she want to escape AGAIN! Maybe she was trying to escape from her ex of 10 years and that is why she moved to Dubai. Yeah, I know it was because of work. BUT she did not have to go. She could have gotten another job - people make the CHOICE to move for their job. It is not a due or die situation - no one stuck a gun to her head to do it.

Just some thoughts.

Again, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Or perhaps the less things change, the more things stay the same!!

Quote:

We really like each other, have sex, but we are free to date other people

So you have gone from an open
Relationship to FWB, friends with benefits. Is that progress?

You keep asking for advice, then arguing, and if you can't stand the truth quit asking for it.

Now get real with yourself, and if you don't, we will continue to be amused by your ineptitude.

Its not like we don't care as I think we all do but your to stubborn for your own good and just refuse to step back and see where she is leading you... playa.

Quote:

U guys always find a way to criticize

One day you'll be talking to a young guy who asks questions and doesn't believe what you tell him, and you will understand. Till then... need more advice? I got plenty for you!

If I didn't care, I would ignore one as stubborn (make no mistake hard headed is the term I want to use) as you.

Quote:

what is going to help me go "fishing"

That's just an expression, when one needs time to remove himself from a situation, to gain insight, and perspective, with out the influence of those around them.

A great technique for problem solving, or stress relief. Or to get over your anger.

Clears your head of CLUTTER.

So, Talaniman, THAT is why my boyfriend is so into fishing - literally!! Thanks for clearning that up. (Another subject, different day, different thread).

Yep. Have to agree with you on pretty much all points, Talaniman. Sometimes, however, I don't think that he has been asking for advice as much as he is TRYING to prove all of us wrong. So far though, we have been pretty much on the money regarding how everything is coming out. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they realize/learn their lesson. This girl has become almost an addiction for him. He can't stand to be away from her, even though he MIGHT think that it is not a good thing.

Also, I think that he is afraid of being alone. He would rather put up than get out (fear of the unknown). Also, the only other people he is meeting are in bars - not the greatest place to meet someone for a long term, quality relationship (at least 80% of the time).

Tab, you need to spend some time ALL BY YOURSELF!! NOT with your guy friends. NOT with this girl. NOT with another girl. You need to clear your head, write some things down, REALLY think about who you are and WHAT YOU WANT!! As well as WHAT YOU DESERVE!! Believe me, when I was going through my own personal situation, people would tell me the same things and I just did not want to believe this. However, over time, I realized that if I did not define things in my own life, then I was going to continue to run around in circles and get no where. A person has to love themselves first before you can love someone else. If you don't, then you will continue to find the same kinds of people and find yourself in the same situations. If you REALLY loved yourself and had more self respect, then you would not still be in this situation. Stop acting like a little kid, throwing out threats of what you're going to do because of what happened, trying to get back at her and make her jealous (oh that's VERY mature - NOT!! ).

You need to sit back and analyze what has happened. What lessons did you learn? What did you want to happen? Can you see what you did wrong in the situation (it's NEVER only one person's fault - everyone is to blame for their involvement). Is the result what you wanted? If it is not, then are you still able to live with it? BY THE WAY If you were able to live with this situation, you would not continue to come on this thread and let us know what is going on. Again, you're trying to prove us wrong, but so far we have not been.