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Those of us who have been through breakups knows that this is one of the major problems when it comes to a broken relationship - we over think things and make them out to be worse then they really are. I am a culprit of this myself - I am a rational thinker who tries to fix emotional problems rationally - and some times you can't.
Anyway, he knows how I feel. We have over talked this a million times in the last few days.
OK everyone I have read everyone's back and forth on this whole "stalker" issue and I agree with farfrmnormal. We agreed we would stay in touch and she has not told me not to call her so I feel like there was no harm calling her this morning. I am still going to talk to her later this week or weekend and see where we stand almost a month later. From there, depending what is said, I will begin to heal and start moving on. I hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So that's all I got for now, talking to her today made me feel better, even if it was just for a little while, but it did so I don't regret it. I am just making myself believe the quote about loving something and setting it free and if it comes back then its real. So I have this in my head and heart, no matter what happends when we talk. I thank everyone for their advice, all of you have helped me to get through this, well start to get through this and see where I need to go moving forward, either with or without her. I don't know what the future holds and if she is the one for me, then I am sure things will work out eventually. I will keep everyone posted on anything else that comes up in the coming days and weeks. Thanks again.
Bummed, first I will start by saying that I am 3 and a half months out of a relationship... ending the same way that yours did. If you feel like reading about it, here is the llink: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...tml#post601221
If you go through my entire thread, you will see that I went through much of the same pain as you, as do mostly all of the people that get the $hit end of the stick. I also went through the same thought process as you and therefore posed the same questions that you have. The thoughts that go through your mind, eat you alive inside... "what is she doing now? why couldn't we just talk things out like always? how can she throw away what we had, when only a few days ago, she told me she loves me? will we ever get back together?"... so you sit and think and think and think, and then eventually when you can't think anymore,. you start thinking again. You don't sleep well, you don't eat well, and you don't function well at work, and you just feel pain and weakness. Everything you do, hear, see, smell, taste... reminds you of her, or the two of you together and gets you thinking more. All you want to do is give her the entire world, thinking that this is what she wants, and that this will make her come back to you. I thought about the things I would do for my ex, like take her out, take her on vacation, buy her MORE nice things, nicer than ever before, and just do all these great things to show her she was making the wrong decision.
I cried myself to sleep many nights, and didn't sleep at all many others... I just laid there thinking about the way to get her back, and just kept hoping and hoping that she would come back.
So, I would get on here and ask more questions about what to do... and... I got answers!. answers are just what I wanted... but what the people said, was not what I wanted to hear... NO CONTACT, FORGET HER, SHE ISN'T WORTH IT, SHE SCREWED YOU OVER AND DOESN'T DESERVE YOU, YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON AND SHE IS THE MESSED UP ONE... etc... and I hated hearing all of that, ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT NO CONTACT!. it just didn't make sense and it killed me because I would sit around all day, and stare at my phone, or the clock, or our pictures and anything else that reminded me of her. It just didn't make sense how I loved her more than anything and was 100% loyal and honest, and she just all of a sudden, could decide she wanted to throw everything away and not feel any remorse at all. So, I read and reread and reread what people had written in response, and it just made me sick... but after a while, I started to realize how pathetic I must have appeared... and realized that NO WOMEN would ever be interested me, let alone my ex, with how pathetic I was. So, I decided to suck it up, and start taking the advice.
So, I took down all the pictures of her, us, anything that may remind me of us/her. Then I gathered all of the letters, cards, gifts, jewelry that she had ever given me. Then I gathered all of the clothing that she loved the most, or things she had bought me. I took it all and put it in a box, and stuck it in the attic. Many people said to light it all on fire and throw it away, but that is a bit extreme. Put them in the garage or attic for now. This will keep these things out of your view, and believe me, this made a huge difference. I cleaned everything off my computer that reminded me of her and just made sure that I would be able to go through a day without being reminded of her... of course your brain still plays a part, but that takes a little more time to tame. You will still wake up in the morning and think of her, or be waking up from dreams about the two of you working things out... and this will suck, but gradually, as you won't be continuously reminded of her, this will all go away after a while. TRUST ME!
Next, I changed her the name in my phone from her nickname, to her first and last name. Many people suggest taking the number completely out of your phone, and that prob works too, but I just changed it to be like the rest, and that allowed me to begin to view her as just another friend. Of course in my heart she is more than that, but that will always be,. for now we are just trying to tame the mind. Then, I got a membership at the gym, even though I had been working out on my own outside... it made a huge difference going to the gym. Met a few people there, I don't hang out with them really, but when I go to the gym each day, its nice to see familiar faces and shoot the $hit . I maintained a schedule of going to the gym each day after work, and anytime that I started thinking about my ex. I worked my a$$ off at the gym. I was already in good shape, but I made myself in to shape that I never thought I could, and it feels damn good! It really boosts yourself esteem, and helps you realize what you can still accomplish, even after all you have been through. You have to maintain the schedule though. Also, begin to develop a good sleeping schedule and if you have to , schedule your days ahead of time, and stick to the schedule. This will help you focus on something other than her. I won't lie though, while working out, I would think of her, but I would think of how stupid it was for her to just throw this all away, and that just fueled my fire, and helped me work out... and by the end of the work out... the thought would be gone. I had set goals and created a schedule and was staying disciplined to achieve my goals. Those are three things you must have... GOALS, SCHEDULE, DISCIPLINE!. and you must STAY CONSISTENT with all three... just like a golf swing... if you are missing one or more components of a swing, you will either slice it or hook it.. . GO TO NEXT POST
Well some things have changed in the past 2 hours since I last posted. On my way home I got a call from my ex. We started talking about school and her tests and stuff and then we started talking about how we haven't talked in a week. She was surprised I hadn't called her until today and thought that I was upset or moving on. She also saw some pics on Facebook from when I went out this past weekend and thought that I was moving on. So, she didn't contact me because she figured I didn't want to contact her. So well I am glad I called her today because I know that she does want to talk to me, cares about me and wants me in her life. We kept talking and we have decided we are going to talk to each other when we want, no need to go no contact because she said she just needs some time to figure things out in here life such as school which is really stressing her out and taking a lot of her time. So then we started talking about other things such as if she was seeing anyone, that guy I saw in a picture. She said yeah she is hanging out with him and others from work but nothing more than a friend that she likes to hang out with. When I first saw the pic of them it made me sick and I assumed they were being intimate. She says they are not and she does not want a relationship with him or anyone. If she did, she wouldn't have wanted this break from me. So she says she has thought of me and us but school and other pressures are messing her up. When school starts to die down she says she will be able to really think about what she wants in her future and if she sees me in it as her boyfriend again. So for now we are going to talk when we want to because well after 4 years we know each other well and really do care about one another. I feel a lot better about this other guy I thought she was being intimate and moving on with, she says she isn't so I believee her, she has never given me a reason not to in 4 years. So overall I feel a lot better because I know that she hasn't really moved on and is just taking things slow and seeing what she really wants in her future, which she is really confused on right now. I know you all will think she is prob lying to me but I know this girl better than anyone and I know she isn't lying to me. So I know for now I am just goint to hang out with my friends, maybe her in the near future and just have fun, enjoy life and let things fall into place. If we are meant to be and want each other and love each other as much as we say we do, I truly believe we will get back together down the road. I know nothing is guaranteed so I am not counting on it for sure and will still leave all my options open. But now she knows where I stand and what I want and I know where she stands and what is going through her head. So we may hang out this weekend, we may not but either way I probably won't be talking to her and telling her to either be with me or we are done. So I know everyone will rip me for believing her but I am not ready to make her decide now if she wants me in her future. So that's where we stand for now, so time will tell if more heartache is to come or if things will have a happy ending for a change. So I leave it to all of you to rip me a new one and tell me how stupid I am. Either way , I am willing to risk more pain in the future, for hope that we are meant to be because I love her and no one can tell me different.
I'm sorry, but what you just wrote above... almost all of us have gone through that phase in the breakup too... and we have not ended up back with our ex.
You are developing false hope. Read everyone's posts! We all had these little miracle spurts, and heard our ex's say things like yours, etc. I'm being honest about DO NOT CONTACT HER. My ex and I said the same thing at one point: about both of us just calling each other when we want from now on. My heart really goes out to you because I remember being there.
See, she didn't care enough to say "stop, don't move on, because I want to move on with you." She might have been a little nervous when seeing those pictures and not hearing from you, but now you surely put her nerves to rest, and for sure she will go back to thinking of how everything's safe; that is, everyting's safe enough to let you go because you're staying put anyway.
Believe us. Believe us when we say NO CONTACT. You'll give in a few times and call her and message her, etc, but you'll get how important NO CONTACT is as time goes on. I guess it just takes you putting yourself in a position to lose her over and over again.
... After a few weeks of keeping consistent, I rewarded myself. I took myself out and bought myself a few things that I wanted, such as clothes, electronics, shoes and a few other things. I took myself out to dinner a few times and had some drinks with total strangers at the bar and shot the $hit with the bartenders at different bars... after a while, that got old, and expensive, so I settled back down, but it felt good to be in publc and meet people who know nothing about you, and therefore, won't bring up your ex. I also, began contacting old friends, and began to make closer contact with current friends, realizing that they had kind of been shut out while I was with my ex. The best part about this is that anytime she would call any of our mutual friends, she would ask what they had been up to... and when they told her that they were hanging out with me for the weekend, or that I was in town or something to that effect, she would start to ask about me... and that makes you feel good. She didn't call me or anything, but she started asking them, and they told me that they could tell that she was jealous in a way to hear that I was doing fine, even though I wasn't calling her everyday crying for her. This is the "STRONG" image that everyone says a girl finds attractive. She realizes that you can hold your own without her and that puts a lump in her throat. Don't get the wrong impression though,. this doesn't mean she is going to come back to you right away... instead it will sit on her mind for awhile, and even though you won't know it, it will start to eat her inside.
As time goes on though, as long as you are still No Contact, it will eat at her more and more. She will wonder what you are up to, and I have to credit a nestle' chocolate wrapper for this as it said inside the foil, "Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."... By not contacting her, that is the equivalent of smiling... because you are silently giving her the impression that you aren't going to beg and cry, and instead you are going to make yourself the best person you can be, and stay loyal to yourself and your friends. Even though your heart will still ache inside, she can't see that, and won't know... and then eventually it will ache less and less. Over the next few weeks, I began to hear that my ex had been going out and gettting drunk everyday since we broke up... they said her looks were changing for the negative and she was just being stupid about life. Over the next few weeks, I started to get text messages from her, and I never returned them. I had made a deal with myself, that only a phone call from her, would warrant an answer. If I wasn't worth a phone call to her, then she wasn't going to have the satisfaction of talking to me(this took a little coaching from the people that responded to my post after I received the first text message from her). She would write me about our song being on the radio and how it made her think of me. At first I thought that these messages were the first signs of her wanting to come back to me... but I couldn't let myself get sucked back in to that way of thinking. I just assumed them to be drunken text messages, or times that she was lonely and started thinking of me or was reminded of me by something. I never wrote back, and they started coming more and more. She began hearing more and more about the fun things that I was doing, and more importantly, how well I was doing with my job and so forth and this is another component of the STRONG image that is attractive to them.
Here I was, going on with my life, not calling her, not crying to her, I stopped talking about her with my friends, which made an amazing difference, and through it all, my friends started to see that it was really her that has messed everything up, and that she was the one with problems, and not me. That made a BIG BIG BIG BIG difference! Once they told me that they saw how messed up it was that she ended it like that and that she was the one with problems, it felt good having people seeing my side. I took that as more motivation to continue to "DO ME" and set and achieve new goals. This allowed me to start to realize that she was the immature one, and not myself, as she had claimed I was. I realized that she was a victim of her own problems, and it was worth it to her to throw away my love for her, to go out and get drunk every night. (She has been drunk for 3 and a half months straight now). And if she wanted to be that immature, then so be it. Just a few months prior, I was down and out, and she was living the high life... but I busted my and lifted myself up, and she fell flat on her , thinking she was a damn rockstar, living her life in the bar and at parties EVERY NIGHT.
So, it's been 3 1/2 months now, and I have been no contact for all but prob a week or two. I never thought then, that I would be where I am now... but I took all the advice of people on here, and now, the only time that we speak is when she calls me. She usually only calls me when she needs something or needs to send something back to me that was mine, but when she calls she always wants to know what is going on with me. And, I am usually travelling or doing something fun, so I tell her about the exotic life I am living, flying here and there, and doing this and that... and just leave her to imagine how much fun I will have, and what she is missing out on, while she is recovering from her hangover and wishing she didn't have to go to work with a throbbing headache. I took the opportunity to tell her that it was sad to hear her say how proud she is that she has been drunk so much, and it is said to see that her life has turned to $hit... because I care so much for her, and still love her (and yes, I still, in my heart, wish that someday, after she got her $hit together, would come back, and then I would be able to choose to be with her or not... but this is just a thought, that has no hope attached to it) and I hate to see her doing what she is doing to herself. I told her that she has so much potential, and she is just pi$$ing it all away and that I hope someday she will think about this all, and make something of herself. I told her that I overcame her screwing me royally, and made myself what I am now, and that shows how much stronger I am, than she will ever be. Then I left it at that.
She knows I love her, and care for her... she admitted to all of that the day she was ending it, and how could she not... I was loyal and honest 100%... so I didn't need to tell her that. If she thinks otherwise, she has bigger problems than she will ever realize, and is on the fast track to nowhere, but she will always have to hear our mutual friends, who now see my side, remind her of what she gave away, because she was too selfish and immature. She didn't want to dedicate herself to me and give me the love I deserved, so she did the selfish thing, and disregarded my feelings, and left.
Bottom line, I am only 3 1/2 months out of the relationship, but I feel great. I make myself look at how terrible she is doing each day, and use that to boost myself up! I still go to the gym everyday and still schedule my life and stay disciplined. That makes me feel good. Also, last time she called, when I told her about how sad it was to hear how terrible she is doing, we went to get off the phone, and for the first time since she left... she dind't hang up the phone first. She always told me that she never wanted to be the first to hang up, but only when she was talking to me, so I would hang up first, and occasionally sit on the phone for minutes and not hang up and see if she would, but she never did. It was a little thing we had. However, since she left, when I was always calling her, she would hang up immediately... and now that I have put her to the backburner and realized how much of a bit$H she was to me, she wouldn't hang up the phone first. In fact, I sat the phone on the bed, and got on the computer, and about a minute later, I realized that my phone hadn't made the hang up noise... so I picked it up... and saw it was still showing an active call... so I said, "are you still there?"... and she said to me, "yeah, you know i don't want to hang up first"... and I just laughed and told her goodbye and hung up. It felt good to have that happen... and not the kind of good like, MAYBE SHE WILL COME BACK NOW... but rather it felt good, because she was showing signs of feeling, and no matter how little, she still showed that by holding my own, and not being a pathetic baby, I had strummed her heart, and didn't even try to. Our roles were reversed, if even only for a minute... but the point is, I had come a far way from 3 1/2 months ago, when I was the one that didn't want to hang up.. . GO TO NEXT POST
So realize, that what the people on here are telling you, is the real deal. The idea of No Contact is not to win her back... that is not likely... but rather to allow you to live normal again, and show yourself that you can go on without her. You have to look at no contact in that light, rather than in the light of trying to win her back. Nature will take care of that, regardless of what you do. Just take care of yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing to her... and if she is going to ever come back, you taking care of yourself and becoming strong is what will bring her back... and if she doesn't come back, you will be shocked at who you become over time, and will realize you are better off. I am not saying to give up hope... as anyone that has ever had a strong love, will always continue to have a small hope in the back of their hearts, but even though it is there, you have to make sure it is something that just sits in your heart, and doesn't travel to your brain. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE WHERE I AM NOW... I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH... BUT TRUST ME... YOU WILL BE FINE OVER TIME. YOU HAVE TO STAY NO CONTACT THOUGH!! YOU HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO HAVE TO! It is key! If she cares enough about you, she will call you or come find you. Just think, when you want something bad, you will do whatever you have to in order to get it. Think about the bamas that sit oustide movie theaters for weeks, to see the new star wars movie... they do whatever they have to, to get what they want!. Take care of yourself, and DO YOU!
I want to thank S_CIANCI, GLINDAOFOZ, DENIS777, MCKENZIE134, TALANIMAN, CERIPHANTE, JISER, and CRUSHEDOVERANDOVER... for their words of expertise on my posts through my tough time... and also, friend4u178 for your great post on "what to expect when you get dumped"... as it also aided in my process of healing.
She is probably telling you the truth. If you had not contacted her, she would have assumed that you had moved on. She would have been fine with that. But since you did, she is saying yeah, we can talk.
I think you did her wrong, put her on the spot by contacting her, but it's your life. I hope I'm wrong, but I think you are now going to bug her until she tells you to leave her alone again, or until you break her to the point that she will go out with you.
Think on this. If she says she has pressures, but will not call you, but go out with another guy, what does that say? It says to me, you're not who she chooses to relax with, that maybe you're part of that pressure.
But again, this is your life.
Listen to every bit of what holeinheart21 has said. I know I will. It's so inspirational!!
OK guys I hear you loud and clear. I am not going to be calling her everyday or anythign like that. I just said we will stay in contact here and there. I may have false hope but I am not sitting around waiting for her , sitting on my hands. I will be going out, having fun and if I meet some new girls then so be it. She knows how I feel and when she figures out what she wants and if I am what she wants, I am sure she will let me know. She reallly needs support right now because sschool is challenging and really no one else can help her but me because I have been through this and taken the classes she is taking. She gets really stressed out and lets things overwhelm her so I am not going to push her away and say don't talk to me or call me if she needs help or someone to talk to. I am not ready to lose her so I am not going to push her away. We are best friends and I want to be there for her now when she needs me and not be stubborn and selfish. I care for her deeply so want to see her succeed and if she succeeds in school and clears her head, she can think clearly about what she wants with me and her future. So don't think I think everything is fine and dandy and I am waiting anxoiusly for her. I know this will take some time so I am prepared to just let things play out and nature take its course. It was just good to hear from her that she didn't know why I hadn't called her in a week and that I was out having fun without her. We both still care for each other and probably deep down want to be with each other, whehter she realizes this is up to her. She knows what she will be losing , so its up to her. I will just sleep better knowing she is not jumping back into a relationship right away and just needs some time. So I heed your advice and take it to heart. Thanks again
It is good that you are feeling better about things and I can perhaps understand that you view it stubborn and selfish if you aren't there to support her... but think about that again... that is THE REASON for no contact. She wasn't concerned about you and how this would affect you when she made the decisions she made. So, now she will have to go through a stressful time with these classes, and realize how much you mean to her and how much support you give her. She will never realize this if you continue to be there time after time... especially after her previous decisions.. . Would you have gotten together with her under these conditions?? So, why would you settle for it now. I know your mindset... you are willing to go through any amount of pain, if it means that you will have a minuscule chance of getting together again or getting an honest answer of whether she wants to be with you again... but if school stresses her out, what do you think a job will do? How do you know that nothing else in life will stress her out? You don't and therefore, this can happen again anytime. Why settle for less than she was willing to give you before??
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Originally Posted by holeinheart21
Yeah I get what your saying, well the stress of classes isn't the only reason she wanted a break and to be single. We were having some problems in our relationship. AFter 4 years things got boring and routine. I know I am partly at fault for this and have really realized in the past 3 weeks what needs to be done to ensure this doesn't happen again, if we get back together. So the stress , combined with her family stress and the fact that she wasn't completely happy with our relationship led to this. I think a little time off and a fresh outlook on what we both want is actually good for us. So hopefully we recharge and realize what needs to be done to avoid this in the future to make this relationship work and last. If that doesn't happen , well then it doesn't. But I have faith and hope that it will. So for now we are just supportive to each other because there wasn't anything that either of us did to the other to say OK we are done. Its more like a reflective period to see if this is what we both want moving forward and to get an outlook on what needs to be improved in the future. I know she wants to hang out more with friends, something we didn't really do much of when we were together. She may feel like she was missing out on other things so I kind of understand. So this time is more like a self discovery on her part, and forced on me but I think it will actually make us stronger in the end. If it actually will or not , is what is left to see but I am wiling to risk more pain and heartahce to find out. I know I may be crazy but if things work out , it will be worth it. Thanks for your posts and advice.
How is she supporting you ? Aside from answering the phone when you call.
From what I've read, she left you. She is also 'hanging' out with another guy. Believe what you will about what's happening. I wouldn't call that being supportive.
I agree completely with holeinheart. She has no reason to take you back if you give her the emotional support that might help her. I don't know about you, but when I was stressed out, my partner at the time was usually a big help to get through the situation. You could argue that people are different and react to these situations differently, but I don't know about this one.
If you are anything like I was during my first heartbreak, you will do your own thing despite what anyone says. Maybe this is the lesson you need to learn for the next time. Believe me I wish life was more 'romantic' i.e. they come running back to you, but it rarely happens. I wish it would happen to me, and to you. Ive accepted that it won't though. I went full NC 33 days ago and I feel (well not great) but good.
I wish you the best in the following few weeks. In the end we all just want to be happy right?
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Originally Posted by madaman
Yeah happiness is what we all hope for and want. You are right, I mean I am putting myself out there for her, but you know if I don't then I just wouldn't feel right. So in the end I may get screwed or it may work out. I'd rather try and go down in flames then let it go and wonder what if. So I may not be following everyone's advice but sometimes I don't know, you have to follow your heart. Thanks for the words of support and luck. If it works out I am a genius, if not I am an idiot, pretty much like everything else in life. Well ill keep everyone posted. Thanks
Same thing happened with one of my past boyfriends and I. We dated almost 3 years, but it ended up just getting boring. We never did anything and I ended up feeling like I missed out a lot on meeting people and hanging out with my gals. What you need to do is give her some time. Don't call her and act sad and stuff like that. She needs some spontinaity in her life. The only thing you need to worry about is her quicky jumping into another relationship. Its easy for that to happen when you get out of a long one and meet someone new and exciting. You need to show her, somehow, that you can be new and exciting again, but only you can figure out how to do that. You know what she likes and what she looks for, but she needs you to be a lot more surprising. It's the same old things that bore us girls to death. If none of that works, then you're still really young. You just need to go out and meet new people-trust me I know how hard that is to do, but you need something new and exciting too. If anything this is a lesson for you. If things don't work out between you two, then at least you'll know in your next relationship that you have to continually be finding ways to keep it exciting. Good luck!
None of us knows what the future holds for us... but choices you make now will effect your future possibilities. So keeping a positive attitude is key to keeping the future bright. And keep in mind personal relationships at this young age really are NOT what's most important at your stage of life. People are still deciding who they are and what they want in life. And yeah, every person in their teens and early 20's will argue till they are blue in the face they know what they want... but fact is till your mid 20's to early 30's what's important to you will change. And this includes what you want in a partner.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
I've been through that and so has anyone here over 30. I personally believe if the minimum age for marriage was raised to 30 there would be far fewer divorces as a result of those same reasons.
Thanks , I really think you pretty much hit on my situation. I am giving her some time to do what she feels she needs to. As for getting in a new relationship , she says that she doesn't want that because if she did , she would have stayed with me. So pretty much some time away will probably do us good. I just want to take things slow, have fun together and then see what happens from there. Either way I will learn from this but hopefully we will be able to move forward together and take these things we learned into the future, well that's all I can hope for right?Quote:
Originally Posted by mwilliams15
From what I've seen, by what you wrote, she doesn't want what you do, so shake the false hope, and get busy with your healing. Stop waiting on your dreams to come true, and deal with reality.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
Yeah right now she doesn't want what I want and I understand her reasons. I am willing to take this time apart to become a better person and more well-rounded so if we do get back together in the future, it will be better and last. I am dealing with each day at a time, today I have been feeling pretty good, mostly because I am not thinking about her with someone else or her not caring about me. I am just thinking of how this time will refresh us and give us both a new outlook on what we really want and how to get that. So if that means we get back together, that would be great and I really do want that, hopefully this time will allow her to realize that she wants that too. So, call it false hope but I don't think its false. I know I may be delaying the inevitable or having too much optimisim but all we want in life is to be happy and I feel that we can both do that together. If I learn the hard way , then so be it.
You are right we want to be happy but pining that happiness on another human besides yourself is an exercise in futility and very unhealthy. You are responsible for your own happiness. You cannot pass that to another. That would be false hope.Quote:
but all we want in life is to be happy and I feel that we can both do that together. If I learn the hard way , then so be it.
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