Ask Me Help Desk - Would have been a year tomorrow

I am trying but every time I get somewhere I end up seeing her in her car, or her parents drive past my house, little things like that that light the spark up again.

You know what day today was, well my so called mate decided to tell me that my ex had texted him and that he was surprised that she hadn't texted me. This got me a little angry, why would she text him and not me, then he told me he was joking and that this was his way off getting his own back because he was sick of me talking about it.

You see the only real place I can talk about this to peeps that care or want to hear is here, I don't have those types of mates, my ex does and that is probably helping her but I feel like I'm going through this by myself.

That first love break up is so tough on men, as well as females, but its necessary to teach you a few life lessons. For example you don't just jump in, and throw your heart into a stranger, and you don't put so much importance on anyone at the expense of your own life, that makes you happy without her. And forget the guilt thing as she had enough baggage (over the ex) to go around the world. Yes its hard as we are so blinded by love(?) we never see the moods, or small hints we should have seen, because you would have known she had another on her mind, and you were basically a rebound, to get over the ex, which failed. You can only assume you made her happy, and she felt the same as you, but the truth is she wasn't, but of course your bruised ego won't let you see that. You will learn though, that the sooner you leave her alone, and throw yourself into something else, and don't look back, the sooner you get on with your life. It takes two to have a relationship, and one who wants it can't have it without the other, so forget her and learn, as your young life will be filled with these set backs with females, and you may as well know how to deal with your own emotions, and learn to move on. Much Luck.

Zoor I want to add Just be glad that she is not playing mind games with you and going back and forth! It's over regradless of why and how, just face it and move on the more quick the better.

How are you feeling now?

A lot better, the day has come and gone.

I realised as soon as midnight came and I heard no word that it was trully over, I have accepted that now and I'm going to start moving on.

It hurts to think that she couldn't even text but then I think why would I want to be with someone who is so cold and distant.

It helps if I think that the girl I love is dead, this is true in so far as the emotion, that part of her died and now I have to accept it and move on.

There are parts of me that want her back but I have to listen to my head, its telling me to forget her and find someone else, lifes too short to waste it on someone that doesn't care.

How are you holding up emo?

I want to be happy, but I can't right now. Only been 2 months... I'm sure recovery is around the corner. I'm sorry you didn't get a text. Believe me I know how the great times roll in our heads. They haunt us... The cute little faces they made, the nicknames only we called each other, the thinking about you comments and the I can't wait to be with you times... The lets get ready to go out moments and all just get to you. All the fun moments you had together and hugging and great sex... How could it all end? Something we desire so much and loved? HOW COULD IT ALL END!! YOU SAID FOREVER!!

Yes yes yes, I agree.

She's the one that said I love you, she's the one that wanted to be with me forever, she's the one that said she wouls never leave.

But

She's the one that said she didn't love me, she's the one that said she doesn't want to be with me, she's the one that left.

Like I keep saying how can someone change to become the one person you dread seeing and talking to because it causes nothing but pain and misery.

This was my first relationship and I gave it all, I tried to be the perfect boyfriend and it got me no where, in fact she treats me worse that someone she hates, why, why why??

Nice guys finish last my friend, I'm never going to give that much of my heart again, its not worth it.

I know what you mean... I will do the opposite... I will give my all again because the next girl shouldn't pay for the ex girl did. Surely I will take my time, but what is that? There is no time. When we fall in love our actions and mind takes over. We do what we only know. You can't tell yourself I won't surprise her again because my ex thought it was smothering... Yet this person may like that. If you don't she will say you don't show enough interest. Love as you know to love because if it's meant to be, it will be! As Taking Back Sunday says, "To hell with you and all your friends"!

Maybe I was being a little harsh when I said that.

What I mean is that when the next girl comes along I'm not going to jump in head first, I've picked up a little experience and I'm going to use it.

Im going to try and learn from my mistakes.

I have to say that Chuff, you and the others have really helped me get my head sorted this far, its going to take a little more time but without this site I would be a mess, so thanks to everyone.

Im looking forward to the day my friend when we can talk about our new relationships and how good they are, keep that in mind, that day will come.

Oh Man, I sure hope so... I see that impossible right now, but who knows... I have a question... Do u see your ex as the most beautiful girl... And everyone else as a lot less prettier than her? Or is that just me?

You know here's the funny thing and I mite sound awful saying this.

When we first met I didn't think she was that pretty, but I got talking to her and loved her personalilty, then after a while looks were never a part of it although I did start to find her very attractive.

Now I look at pics and realise that yes she was and is the most beautiful girl in the world, I look at other girls and some are pretty but I can't help but think that my ex was prettier.

I think this is built into us and we have to try and reprogram our brains, some other dude is going to get that pretty girl of mine and I have to accept it.

I also can't help thinking that no one will else will make me as happy as her.

Hey zooropa,

You've changed that signature of yours. I liked those "quotes" you had? What were they? :p

Thanks :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristynn

Hey zooropa,

You've changed that signature of yours. I liked those "quotes" you had? What were they?? :p

Thanks :)

The "through the storm we reach the shore, you give it all but i want more, and ill wait without you" one was from With or Without you by u2.

And

"yesterday she was in your head, today she is in your heart, tomorrow she will be in your memories" one was just something I made up.

Thanks for taking an interest though.

Pretty cool and simple and... true.

THANKS!

I'm going to create one post from several of yours. But just from reading everything it seems like your doing much better today then you were just this past Saturday. So congratulate yourself, give yourself some credit, and by that I mean really stop and think about the fact that you've made strides in the last 2 days.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

You know what day today was, well my so called mate decided to tell me that my ex had texted him and that he was surprised that she hadnt texted me. This got me a little angry, why would she text him and not me, then he told me he was joking and that this was his way off gettin his own back because he was sick of me talkin about it.

You see the only real place i can talk about this to peeps that care or wanna hear is here, i dont have those types of mates, my ex does and tht is probly helpin her but i feel like im goin through this by myself.

You know what's interesting about guys breaking up is that we have nobody to turn to. If a woman gets dumped she can turn to her family, her friends, even strangers will stop and help a woman crying or looking upset. But a guy gets dumped and he's got no outreach. As men and I hate to admit this but I'm guilty of this myself, we tease other guys for being upset or acting hurt over being dumped by a woman. Yet every guys felt that sting, and that loss of being dumped. Suicides are much higher for men that are going through a divorce then women, and I think this is one reason why. Men are taught or don't know how to communicate that their hurting on the inside, and worse yet, if they can communicate it other guys generally don't want to hear it. Along those same lines some guys don't mind helping out there other guy friends in need but they can't communicate back how to help. Women in that regard are much better then men, they can communicate their emotions and other women understand exactly what they mean.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

a lot better, the day has come and gone.

I realised as soon as midnight came and i heard no word that it was trully over, i have accepted that now and im gonna start moving on.

Progress. That was the next step you needed to take, and you took it. So once again, I say congratulate yourself and give yourself some credit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

it hurts to think that she couldnt even text but then i think why would i want to be with someone who is so cold and distant.

EXACTLY!! Why would someone as giving, caring, open, compassionate, friendly, loving, and honest like YOU want to be with that piece of garbage. Leave the sewer rats in the sewer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

Shes the one that said i love you, shes the one that wanted to be with me forever, shes the one that said she wouls never leave.

but

Shes the one that said she didnt love me, shes the one that said she doesnt want to be with me, shes the one that left.

So from that we can derive that she'd lied. I think we both know you can do better then a lying sewer rat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

Like i keep saying how can someone change to become the one person you dread seeing and talkin to because it causes nothing but pain and misery.

When this is all said in done, like in 6 months from now, as I said I hope that you will re-read these posts. I think you will get a true life lesson then, that you can't really get right now. The reason I say that is because she did not change. She was always like that. You were blinded by love. You made excuses for her behavior instead of accepting it for what it was. Geoff pointed this out, and he was dead on. She was always like this, and quite honestly, most of us can see it plain as day. Now we are speaking from experience which you did not have, and we are speaking without the emotional attachment which you did have.

But the thing is women and I tell you this as an someone from a different country and culture that women the world over have behavior patterns that are similar. If you take out the emotions and just look at the traits as human beings their actions are very similar. In this case she saw that you were so into her she didn't have to do much and used your own emotions against you. And women are a 1000 times better at understanding, observing, and manipulating emotions then men. Your ex did what women all over the planet do. She used your emotions for her own gain.

Now I say that not to discourage you from dating them or being bitter about it. I say that so that you can use this as a lesson in what to look for next time and not to dive so far in that you give her everything and she gives you nothing in return. That's lesson number one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

This was my first relationship and i gave it all, i tried to be the perfect boyfriend and it got me no where, in fact she treats me worse that somone she hates, why, why why????

Good you're ready for lesson number two. In a relationship, you NEVER give it your all. You give no more then half. Remember when I said women understand emotions better then us. Well she sees someone who gives it his all as weak. Women want strong men, not weak babies. And women judge strength one way by emotional strength. When women see you give everything they see that as someone who is not in control and doesn't care enough about himself to protect him from emotional pain….. even if it's from them.

But if you give her everything then what's left to give? She treats you worse then someone she hates because even those she hates give her nothing, which in a woman's mind is creates a challenge or drama, both of which women love.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

nice guys finish last my friend, im never gonna give that much of my heart again, its not worth it.

Nice guys to finish last, Good guys finish first. Nice guys give everything and get nothing back. Good guys give just as much as they get. If she starts pulling back then nice guys go in further while good guys pull back further. If she starts using you nice guys let it happen while good guy put there foot down. You don't want to become a angry, abusive prick, you just want to become a man with a backbone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

What i mean is that when the next girl comes along im not going to jump in head first, ive picked up a little experiance and im goin to use it.

YES! That is exactly what you need to do. You learn a lesson and it makes the pain all worth it. You can not grow emotionally in life without pain, but if you don't learn anything from it, then it was all a useless waste. If you in pain but learning it will all be worth it in the end.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

Im gonna try and learn from my mistakes.

That's all anybody can do. If you take away just one thing your better off then she is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

I have to say that Chuff, you and the others have really helped me get my head sorted this far,

Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

you know heres the funny thing and i mite sound awful saying this.

When we first met i didnt think she was that pretty, but i got talkin to her and loved her personalilty, then after a while looks were never a part of it although i did start to find her very attractive.

Now i look at pics and realise that yes she was and is the most beautiful girl in the world, i look at other girls and some are pretty but i can't help but think that my ex was prettier.

I think this is built into us and we have to try and reprogram our brains, some other dude is gonna get that pretty girl of mine and i have to accept it.

I also can't help thinking that no one will else will make me as happy as her.

And lesson number three and your final lesson for the day. I can tell you exactly what happened over the last year. Remember I said women, no matter the country or culture follow patterns while this one is NO different. Here's what happened. She liked you but you didn't give her much attention but you didn't blow her off entirely either. So in her mind you became a challenge.

At some point you let your guard down and bam she hits you the best way a woman knows how. With emotions. She hits you with these thoughts of love and care. Every story she told you was emotionally based, not based in reality or intellect but emotion. She gets you to start thinking emotionally instead of logically and you start reacting to everything emotionally as well. You begin to fall into her trap and at some point you give so much of yourself that she gets bored because the challenge is gone. At you first you seemed distant and mysterious by the end you couldn't give enough of yourself to her. For her, the game is over.

Lesson learned, women like challenge, once it's gone so are you.

So chuff how long does this challenge continue for??

Yea how long must you keep that challenge? When can you stop playing and really love the girl the way you want to?

Quote:

So chuff how long does this challenge continue for??

Quote:

Yea how long must you keep that challenge? When can you stop playing and really love the girl the way you want to?

When you find one who loves you the way you love her. Neither of you has that.

Ok I feel like I'm ready to move onto the next phase.

Im meeting this girl I recently met next Friday, she is away for now but is coming back on Wednesday and wants us to go out for drinks. Up until the weekend there I had been having doubts about meeting her because I thought that maybe just maybe my ex would come back, now I have accepted its over.

She is 26, lol yes an older woman, but t be honest I wouldn't want to go back with such a young girl again, I realise that although I am a guy I was more emotionally mature than her.

Im guess what I want to ask is should I go, is it too soon? Its not like I'm getting married but the way I see it is m ex is probably out having a great time and not giving a stuff about what I'm doing so why shouldn't I have a little fun?

Me and this girl seem to get on well, we talk every night on msn and phone, it reminds me of what me and my ex were like, is that a bad thing?

It's a great thing. Even if things don't go well with this new girl, friends wouldn't be so bad at this point anyway. I have a few girl friends right now, but none that I really like and I'm sure that will take a while. Definitely take your chances with others in the meantime! Godd luck and I hope you have a blast. Be cool especially now that you have a lot more experience. You might as well be 26... lol... Later my brother!

Hey emo, well here's yet another update, saw my ex again with her friend, guess what... yep blanked again.

I don't look at her with love or hurt anymore, every time I see her I feel anger, is this OK? I just want to have it out with her about how much of a b!tch she has been.

What friend? Girl or boy? If it's a boy, do you think anything is going on?

No noooo girl, lol if it hada been a guy I would have walked right up to them and punched the dude.

It was her friend from school but it hurts because she's doing what I should be doing, having fun with friends, I've really seen a side to her that I never knew existed.

Here's the funny thing, about a month into the relationship I was going to dump her but couldn't do it because she seemed so into me, boy have I learned my lesson.

I can't wait till next Friday for you! Apparently I have to wait till August before my date returns from Florida. Everything happens for a reason they say. They also say out of sight, out of mind. They also say don't do drugs! I have no idea what I just said... lol Take care my friend!

Yea me too, I'm actually looking forward to it, been a tough couple of months but it would have been a lot worse without all you guys, seriously sincere thanks to all of you, its amazing that complete strangers on the internet can really really help, I feel like I've even made an online friend or two.

They do say everything happens for a reason and maybe we do have a certain path we have to follow, I never believed that before but it makes sense when thing like this happen.

Im confused at the moment about how I'm feeling, I'm not in love with her, I don't find her attractive anymore but there is still a little spark in there that has yet to go out, it only ignites when I see her or someone I know connected to her.

Like I said before emo, I'm looking forward to the day that we can give advice and be happy at the same time, things can only get better my friend, we deserve some happiness.

Forgive and move on.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Pay no attention to the faults of others,
Things done or left undone by others.
Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

no noooo girl, lol if it hada been a guy i woulda walked right up to them and punched the dude.

Let me get this straight. If your ex lying, using, manipulative girlfriend was walking down the street with a guy you'd walk up to them and punch HIM?

How and what exactly would that do for you? What exactly would that guy have done to deserve that? She dumped you, so why don't you face that fact before any others. It's not any other guys fault. It's not the guy she admitted to having a one night stand with, fault. It's not her parents fault. It's not God's fault. It's her fault. So let's quit trying to protect her once and for all and start seeing her for who she was and who she is.

That's the kind of jealous behavior that got you dumped in the first place. That's the kind of behavior that a woman looks at and thinks "He's not all there in the head, stay clear." That is the kind of stuff that turns women away from you. You have to fix that before you date again. A woman wants a man that will defend himself if he has to, not go pick fights because he's a bully who can't control his emotions.

Furthermore, what if a guy was walking down the street with you ex because they both work together and were on lunchbreak? Are you going to assume that just because a guy stands next to her that he must be after her?

OK well first off I said that as a joke.

And secondly chances are if she was with another dude then she probably got to know hi while with me, meaning he knew fair well that she was with me, I have this rule, if a girl is taken, no matter what that girl is off limits.

Zoo That is a very admirable quality "if a girl is taken, no matter what that girl is off limits." :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

ok well first off i said that as a joke.

and secondly chances are if she was with another dude then she probly got to know hi while with me, meaning he knew fair well that she was with me, i have this rule, if a girl is taken, no matter what that girl is off limits.

Just because you can't be with her, doesn't mean nobody else can no matter how you meet. Your jealousy is not his problem, or hers.

You are right but I'm not really that jealous, ju annoyed right now that I'm the one that is suffering and she is fine.

It was my own stupidity to think that she would be hurting also and that I meant something to her.

Next week is my first big date in over a year, will seem weird at first being with another girl but its what I need. Im not using her as a rebound, I'm just going to take it slow and easy and see what happens.

Leave your ex behind... do not judge this girl by the last one. Have a good time :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

You are right but im not really that jealous, ju annoyed right now that im the one that is suffering and she is fine.

It was my own stupidity to think that she would be hurting also and that i meant something to her.

Next week is my first big date in over a year, will seem wierd at first being with another girl but its what i need. Im not using her as a rebound, im just gonna take it slow and easy and see what happens.

By the way, it's OK to be jealous!

It's not your stupidity. We all hope that they are hurting just as well. But honestly it's better to know they are not hurting because it can help us move on more quick and no false hope arises... Same thing happened with me. Even till now it hurts a bit knowing it's almost 2 weeks since the good time together and still no contact. She signed on the other day and nothing. But I don't care anymore. I'm so used to this behavior. But yes, I'm sure all this bad stuff is helping you out in way. I hope so. I just hope to see my ex like in 3 months from now. Not now. I'm like 2 feet of being totally over it, and if I see her, I don't want thoughts to come back. Maybe after 2 more months it would be great to show up with another girl and show her how good I am without her!! I sooo can't wait!! Only because that will be the day that I know I'm happy again. And it will be amazing for myself to know that I got through a break up and I was the one who was dumped. That's hard and to know I got through it, I will be darn proud of myself. I'm proud a little for how far I've gone so quickly that I went for a $500 shopping spree over the weekend. This week I'm focusing on my abs for a six pack... Wanna join me?

Yea ill join you but it'll probably take a year or so to get anywere near a six pack lol

Ive learnt another lesson in life too I just realised. Before I got met my ex I used to hook up with different girls and then just dump them, I know that doesn't sound like much but some of these girls were kind of into me, point being I realise now some of the hurt I may have caused.

I also know that if I ever did dump someone I would be respectful enough to meet with them and explain why, not just say your dumped and then never hear again.

Im moving on, some days are worse than others, sadly I live close to my ex and a lot of things remind me of her, a lot of things. But my good man I still have my date on Friday so I've been focused on that.

Maybe I'm not in the right place to start anything new right now or maybe I am, only time will tell but I promised myself not to mess this girl around, she deserves more, she has been like a rock to me without knowing it.

Thanks again to all you guys, wish I could buy ya's all a beer and maybe a hooker-just the one mind, I'm not made of money lol

Yea today I feel thoughts have creeped in... Like missing a few things, but I have to stay strong. Life is hard but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end. A piece of advice... You may not want to look at porn because crazy thoughts play in your mind. Like someone else doing things to your girl and stuff. I stay away from that.

Dude I got to be honest, I used to have those thoughts when we were together lol, now though its hit me that she could be with someone else right now and there's nothng I can do to change that.

Just weird, its like that u2 song:

Whose going to ride your wild horses
Whose going to drown in your blue sea
Whose going to ride your wild horses
Whose going to take the place of me

That's what hurts the most, knowing that one day someone else will get what I love dearly.

BUT

I'm going to be strong and deal with it like a man, I'm looking forward to Friday and just getting out and having fun for the first time in 9 weeks.

The more fun you have the better. Laugh, enjoy life. Go out and drive around with loud music and singing + windows down - that is key :)

Spend a day with nature - this is proven to help promote the destruction of stress + is very relaxing and calming.

Plan some trips and fun things to look forward to!

Update:

Well its time to tell you guys about the date.

We met up and I showed her a few places she hadn't been before (not those kind of places lol) It was actually really good, we talked and I think we clicked, still early to tell of course but I was comfortable with her.

We went for a meal and again just talked about stuff in general, then we went to a bar and had a few drinks.

It was good and I hadn't talked like that to a girl since me ex, however at the very end when I saw her off I had this real sense of sadness rush over me. Like all of a sudden I realised that I would never be on another date with my ex, it was weird but I felt very sad for an hour afterwards.

Luckily she texted me to say we should do it again so she must have liked me lol

It was weird being on a date with a different girl, can't describe it in detail but weird would be a word.

Sounds like good news... for you! :p

I'm sure it wasn't weird, but maybe a bit too good to be true?