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Originally Posted by sypher373

I'm starting to see her as someone who is totally stuck on someone else, waiting around to see what happens with him in order to go on with her life.

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:eek: :eek: :eek:
We'll I just reread that after I wrote it and I think I might be sick :p

That's exactly what I've been for the last three months, and now I'm seeing it from the other side. Its sickening, and not attractive at all. Even if I tried to hide it, I'm sure my true colors shone (sp?) through.

Its funny, for the first time in a LONG time, things are starting to make sense to me. I guess that's a good sign :rolleyes: :o

Thanks again, I'm starting to see that for the last few months I've been my own worst enemy.

If you are sad that she threw away what you guys had together for something that may never happen (this other guy) that's her problem! Let her live with the consequences of her own decisions! It's nothing YOU should feel sorry for HER for! Come on...

I know its her problem, and I know there's nothing I can do about it, I guess it just sucks that it had to happen that way, but oh well its over and done with now.

I'm still looking forward to getting over this, ill be happy when I can not care what's happening, or hear from her without having a second thought about it. I just woke up, and mornings are still the toughest. The first hour or so I miss her terribly, I need time to remind myself of what has happened to get back in the right mindset.

It's been 3 months since she broke up with me. I let go of her about 3 weeks ago and once you do that you start to see the red flags, things she said and did to hurt me. The hurt and pain in my heart is gone and I'm not anxious any more I'm coming out of my safe zone (my house) and going out more. I don't know if I'm getting over faster then normal because she did break up with me a lot of times. But I didn't think I would ever heal and I am, and finding this web site has helped me sooooo much. I am so strong now and so will you my friend. Give it time. I still think of her and her son and what we would all be doing this summer but it don't hurt no more when I think of them. So let her go and heal.

Hey guys,

Just looking for some insight from the pros :)

I have been thinking about her actions in the past few weeks and such, and one thing really stands out in my mind. The last time we talked, the conversation which pushed me to get angry, she seemed to be dropping a lot of hints... She was saying things like: "Any other breakup that I have had, We just stopped talking to each other for a while" and things along those lines. At the time, I didn't see that as a hint, but now it looks like a huge red flag.

The funny thing is, I asked her point blank... "Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". And since then, though I have only said about 10 words to her all week, she messaged me online to see how I was. In addition to that, the next morning she sent me a message to give me some irrelevant information about a dentist appointment (assuming I cared I suppose), and last night she sent me a text message saying "I hope your day was good". I missed the text message and one of the internet conversations, and the first internet message I responded, but it consisted of a total of about 10 words. (FYI, this first conversation was before I had created this post and decided NC was necessary).

What confuses me today is why she would drop hints like she did and then not seem to follow thorugh on them. I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really don't get it??

Nothing to get. Cut her the hell out of your life. If she cared she wouldn't text - she'd actually give you something.

Honestly, just from all this, I'm starting to dislike this girl. Lord knows you've been through worse than just me reading it. You're better than this. GET OUT NOW!! You don't want to be involved with someone so cowardly that she can't even get the truth out without stumbling all over her bull crap.

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Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really don't get it??

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Well let see every time she makes contact, you end up confused, unbalanced, emotional, and like today curious, all designed to keep her on your mind. I would say she was highly successful.

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Originally Posted by LBP

Nothing to get. Cut her the hell out of your life. If she cared she wouldn't text - she'd actually give you something.

Honestly, just from all this, I'm starting to dislike this girl. Lord knows you've been through worse than just me reading it. You're better than this. GET OUT NOW!!! You don't want to be involved with someone so cowardly that she can't even get the truth out without stumbling all over her bull crap.

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Trust me, Im getting out :)

I was just trying to figure out why she would be doing that. Maybe it all still boils down to the fact that she's confused and I've let her confusion become my confusion...

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Originally Posted by Taliniman

Well let see every time she makes contact, you end up confused, unbalanced, emotional, and like today curious, all designed to keep her on your mind. I would say she was highly successful.

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That definitely makes sense, because its what she has done. I just didn't think it could be that simple and that mean spirited.

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Hey guys,

Just lookin for some insight from the pros :)

I have been thinkin about her actions in the past few weeks and such, and one thing really stands out in my mind. The last time we talked, the conversation which pushed me to get angry, she seemed to be dropping a lot of hints... She was saying things like: "Any other breakup that I have had, We just stopped talking to each other for a while" and things along those lines. At the time, i didnt see that as a hint, but now it looks like a huge red flag.

The funny thing is, I asked her point blank...."Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". And since then, though I have only said about 10 words to her all week, she messaged me online to see how I was. In addition to that, the next morning she sent me a message to give me some irrelevant information about a dentist appointment (assuming I cared I suppose), and last night she sent me a text message saying "I hope your day was good". I missed the text message and one of the internet conversations, and the first internet message I responded, but it consisted of a total of about 10 words. (FYI, this first conversation was before I had created this post and decided NC was necessary).

What confuses me today is why she would drop hints like she did and then not seem to follow thorugh on them. I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really dont get it?????

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Sorry sypher but I didn't even read past your first two lines. STOP thinking about her and what she is thinking. STOP IT NOW!

All you do is analyse everything she has done and is doing. That is all you focus on. Your sending yourself round the twist and to tell you the truth I think you might be sending me a little whacky too.

Please please please stop right now thinking about and analysing everything she does. It will not help you in the slightest. You don't need to understand why she did what. There is no answers, and if you got them they wouldn't help you. In fact they would only make it worse.

There you go, I have begged you to stop it and begin to try to move forward. I won't do it again.

I don't want to see one more post here with her as the subject. Not one. Make as many posts as you want talking about you and how you feel. Ill read them all day long and answer, but I see one more that revolves around her then I think I will throw this PC out the window!

Sypher, honestly... why do you continue to mess yourself up this way?? One day you see what you have to do, the next day you wonder why she's doing what she's doing, the next day you know you must not have contact, the next you are going crazy because you can't stop thinking about her with another man, the next you KNOW she wouldn't hurt you on purpose, the next she tells you that you are forgetting about the other guy she has her life on hold for, then you know there is nothing you can do about, then you are looking at all the 'signs', then you wonder if she maybe might care because she texts or IM's you... etc. etc. etc...

Look, this girl no longer loves you. Maybe she didn't want to hurt you, she feels guilty, or she's keeping you hanging on so if nothing shakes with this guy she'll have 'Old Reliable' to keep her company until the next hottie comes around. A woman who loves you would NEVER do ANY of this to you! She might say, "Sypher, I have never dated anyone but you and before we settle down I think I need to date others to be really sure that this is the real thing.". She might say, "Sypher, I need some space to figure things out because I am confused." - THEN she would take some time... without dragging you in and out of your heart... and after a respectable amount of time she would suggest you both talk things out and give you her take on the situation.

A woman who loves a man doesn't say she has feelings for someone else, or if it's easier for you to not talk anymore then she supports that. A woman who loves a guy makes him feel happy, warm and special... not confused, sad and hurt! She would NOT contact you knowing that she is hurting you in the process. Honestly, I don't even think she LIKES you!

You know that the only way to move on is to stop the train, but you refuse to do so. You must change your messenger ID's, change your email, block her in any way you can, and refuse any and all contact for at least six months. In that six month period you must make every effort to move on. You need to stop dwelling on her; get rid of all reminders and sentimental things you may own; remove ALL temptation; ensure you are never in a position to be near her physically unless you honestly, truthfully can't avoid it; keep as busy as possible with everything and anything you can.

I will tell you something else... a woman doesn't LIKE a guy to be so darned EASY! So, when you pull back, she probably partly gets scared that you REALLY do mean it this time, AND she is somewhat taken aback that it is so easy for you to back off so she plays the game until she can get you back under control. In the wildest sense of things I guess it is possible (about 0.0000000000000000001 % possible) that she really does love you. If so, the ONLY way you will get her back is to totally back off for an extended period! Remember, you "don't know what you've got til it's gone".

You are going to drive yourself mad, mister! LET GO! We all care here and we are all saying the same thing but you just will not take the steps necessary to move on. Why DO you punish yourself so? Do you have so little self respect that it just doesn't matter? I'll tell you this... if you treat yourself so badly how can you reasonably expect ANY woman to treat you well? You have heard of 'Physician, heal thyself'? Well - "Lover, heal thyself!".

It's time, Sypher... it really is.

Hugs, Didi

Everyone...

Let me make something clear. I feel that the posts I have written have given a bit of a missense of how I have been feeling. What I know and what I am doing hasn't changed. I am still refusing contact with her. I truly am. I am trying to get over this, because I am as sick of feeling this way as you guys are hearing me whine.

I feel horrible that you people think that I'm not taking your advice, or that I am not getting anywhere. I apologize now, and I think it is due to my lack of writing clearly. Its hard for me to express exactly what I'm feeling, and I'm sure some of my posts aren't clear.

Skell, I will admit that I was looking for answers. I guess I am a very analytical person, and I hate the answer to anything to be "just because", but I suppose in this case it is. However, don't think that I am still wishing she was back, or hoping she will call me.

Didi, I will also admit that I do analyze everything that happens, and truthfully I'm not sure how I can stop. I guess what I need to try to accept is that I don't need to know the answers, and perhaps there are no answers.

What I want to get across is that I know I need to let go. I have begun to let go. Since the beginning of this post I've known what I have to do, and I am doing it. I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that I haven't been upset this week... I have. This week has had be feeling the best I have in a while, and also the worst I have in a while.

To be honest, sometimes I'm scared to post what I want to on here because I feel like you are all getting aggrivated with me. Im getting aggrivated with myself because it is extremely frustrating to be misunderstood. I know it isn't any of your faults, its just tough for me to express exactly what I want to say in words.

Bottom line: I have posted my thoughts, I guess looking for this so called "closure" which I know I will never get. I know ill never understand some of the things that happened.. and I'm not sure why I even ask, I guess its just curiosity. It's the times when I get upset about the whole situation, and just want to chat with someone about it that I find these questions to ask about... from now on ill try to post something more along the lines of how I feel, and not something that happened between us.

Again, my apologies for aggrivating you all. I definitely don't want you to think I'm still stuck here at ground zero not getting anywhere. I truly am, and I can feel it. Part of me is afraid to move on, but all of me knows I have tried everything else.

Sorry to make you all yell

Sorry for another post, I just wanted to post something a little lighter...

With all the help you guys have given me, I think you deserve to hear some of the progesses I have been making...

Two weeks from Monday, I start my new job. Ill be making the most money I have made in my life, and it will be full time, all summer long. Way to go me :)

On top of that, I have been going to the gym rather religiously, and since my break up have lost about 20 pounds, and gained a bit of definition in my upper body. Once I lose about 5-10 more pounds, I think ill be at a weight I can be satisfied with. I was hoping for that by summer, but a month late is better than never :-D...

This morning I had my second exam for the end of the semester... I aced it - easily. Ive got two more next Tuesday, then I get to go home. I can't wait for that. It will be nice to get home with the old pals again (I go to school out of state) and play some paintball and tennis.

So there you have it... Ive got things to look forward to, and thinking about all of them is pretty therapeutic. I've also noticed rereading my old posts see to reignite the feelings for determination to get happy again, something I need every few days...

There is no such thing as closure so stop wasting your time looking for it. It doesn't exist.

Not aggrivated or mad at you. Just trying to make a point. It is OK to express what you are feeiling. That's fine. And we give our advice based on what you tell us you are feeling.
So when we see you thinking about her too much we tell you so.

And you are. Ive been in your shoes. You need to hear it.

Even if you just make a conscious decision to stop talking about her all the time maybe just maybe she will stop being in your thoughts all the time.

Just try it. Try talking about you. What your doing, where your going. Not her. But your transfixed on making everything about her. You won't change her or what she is doing. But you can change what you do and how you think. The mind you have control of is yours. Not hers. So stop trying get inside her and get inside your own.

Only yelling yo try and make you hear.

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Sorry for another post, I just wanted to post something a little lighter....

With all the help you guys have given me, I think you deserve to hear some of the progesses I have been making...

Two weeks from monday, I start my new job. Ill be making the most money I have made in my life, and it will be full time, all summer long. Way to go me :)

On top of that, I have been going to the gym rather religiously, and since my break up have lost about 20 pounds, and gained a bit of definition in my upper body. Once I lose about 5-10 more pounds, I think ill be at a weight I can be satisfied with. I was hoping for that by summer, but a month late is better than never :-D...

This morning I had my second exam for the end of the semester...I aced it - easily. Ive got two more next tuesday, then I get to go home. I can't wait for that. It will be nice to get home with the old pals again (I go to school out of state) and play some paintball and tennis.

So there you have it...Ive got things to look forward to, and thinking about all of them is pretty therapeutic. I've also noticed rereading my old posts see to reignite the feelings for determination to get happy again, something i need every few days...

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Perfect!! Lets talk about you from now. Every day if you like. You can come here and talk about yourself. For goodness sake come on here just to tell us you stood in dog crap and walked it all over your carpet. Tell us anything about you. But stop talking about her.

Just try it. See if it works. But talking about her all the time isn't going to help you move on. Surely that is common sense??

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Originally Posted by Skell

Perfect!!! Lets talk about you from now. Every day if you like. you can come here and talk about yourself. For goodness sake come on here just to tell us you stood in dog crap and walked it all over your carpet. Tell us anything about you. But stop talking about her.

Just try it. See if it works. But talking about her all the time isnt going to help you move on. Surely that is common sense???

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Its funny you should say that beucase I have caught myself purposefully avoiding my old posts because I don't want to bring the issues up in my head again. I guess the same principle applies to my thought process. :)

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Okay, look, Sypher. First of all, I was not 'yelling' at you. I am caring for and about you. We are not tired of hearing you whine... we are tired of hearing you in pain. There is a difference. You don't aggravate us... we are trying to help.

You said that you may be misleading us by the way you write. Try looking at this:


Apr 30, 2007, 10:27 AM

1. "I have been talking with my ex in a friendly manner for a few weeks now." (Huh??? This is refusing contact?)

2. "I would love to remain friends with her. We have been talking once or twice during the week, and would see each other on the weekends sometime." (Again... this is refusing contact? This is beginning to let go?)

3. "I know I am most likely going to be told to disappear and not talk to her at all, but I'm not sure if I can do that knowing she still thinks about us being together in the future. " (You can't disappear and not talk to her because you know SHE still thinks about you being together??? What about "are you forgetting about HIM", "Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". and "she seems to be a different person at school. She told me that this may be because "he" is at school, and she is more distracted by friends")

4. "(she has kissed me, holding my hand, hugging me, etc)" (OOOOHHHH... I get it! No contact again!)

5. "Im starting to get really sick of being upset every single day. For God's sake, three months is long enough." (This is key. How can you NOT be upset if you keep allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated this way? Every single kiss, hug, smile, text, email, suggested promise, mention of 'him', IM, etc. is what makes you upset every day. It just starts the entire healing process over and over and over again!)


May 3, 2007, 08:36 PM

"I am still refusing contact with her. I truly am." (see #1, 2, 4 above)

"What I want to get across is that I know I need to let go. I have begun to let go." (see #1, 2, 3 and 4 above... especially #3)

"I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me." (Hmmm... last time I counted April 30th to May 3 was about 3 or 4 days.)

"I feel horrible that you people think that im not taking your advice, or that I am not getting anywhere. I apologize now, and I think it is due to my lack of writing clearly. " (We know that you are getting somewhere, but every single time you take 2 steps forward you have contact and take a step (or three) back! We are trying to help you... keep you on track. I don't think it's due to your lack of writing clearly. I think it's due to your inability to keep the big picture in focus. We are attempting to focus you.)

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Please keep venting here... asking questions... whatever you need! But you WILL get answers... sometimes ones you just might not want to hear.

Look, I'll back off, my friend. I have tried very hard to let you work this out without interfering. But I am beginning to get concerned. Regardless, I don't want you to stop posting, so I will stay out of your threads from now on. Please accept my deepest apologies. I do not mean to upset you - but to help.

Hugs, Didi

Brilliant Didi. Had to spread it though. I hope you take note sypher. And don't get defensive. Look at it in a positive mind set.

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Originally Posted by Skell

Brilliant Didi. Had to spread it though. I hope you take note sypher. And dont get defensive. Look at it in a positive mind set.

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Sorry if my post came off as defensive, that's what I meant by not being able to express myself clearly. That's exactly the effect I didn't want to get :(

When Didi suggested my problem was keeping it in focus, I think she hit the nail on the head. I get upset beucase I start to think about one particular area, generally the good parts, and that upsets me. Without keeping the entire situation in focus, I lose sight of the reasons I need to do this.

I am keeping my positive mind set. Im doing this for me. Im mad about the situation, but I'm more mad about myself for letting myself dwell in the past. By not getting happy, I'm simply wasting more time.

Sorry if I pushed anyone away - I didn't mean at all to act as if I didn't appreciate your input, or that I am getting defensive. I know that some of the advice I have gotten here is not 'happy' advice, but that is what I was prepared for, and it hasn't phased me a bit.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's help

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Originally Posted by sypher373

I just thought of another point:

If the thought of her with someone else still bothers me that much, its obvious I haven't gotten over her. I just dont see how I can get over her, because i can't walk away from an opportunity to have the best thing I've ever had..again.

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When I read this post I immediately thought of this: If someone is hitting you on the head with a baseball bat and isn't stopping, should you stand there and hope that they do, or walk away and heal yourself? If they hit you again given the opportunity, should you ask them to stop or slow down?

By continuing the contact, although the pain is still there and they are openly telling you that they feel for someone else even if that person is moving away, even if there is little chance for them, even if... whatever, their heart belongs to another. They are openly telling you that you shouldn't have hope that you will be together, you are in essence, slowing the pain, but not stopping it. You can't heal a wound if you are still there taking the beating for the mere satisfaction of a few crumbs. You've entered the friend zone. She's talking to you and sharing, but not changing her feelings for you.

You need to walk away and cease completely and totally all communication, for your own survival. It may be hard, and your heart is telling you to stay and at least have her as a friend. But your brain is telling you, if you do, you'll never move on and end up alone. Don't do that to yourself, respect yourself more than that, or no one else will.

You need to be more than her glorified Teddy Bear!

To add to the great post that Momincali wrote, you are torturing yourself hoping for a reconciliation, bottom line. We all understand your pain and your hope of this. We all felt this way about our exes when we were dumped too. But if she is not specifically saying, "Hey Sypher, I regret the breakup and I want to get back together with you and work this out", end it. Exes can be friends only if either both parties are truly over one another, don't want any romantic involvement, and are fine seeing their ex dating another or if one does indeed want the other back but hides it inside and is willing to suppresses their feelings out of fear of "losing" what you pretty much already have lost. So is the second one even real friendship anyway? No. You are not getting what you want here, only torture and confusion instead.

I am not opposed to talking to an ex if you are over it and truly want to be "just friends" or if you are specifically in the process of WORKING THINGS OUT. But is that the case here? Has she mentioned wanting to get back together with you now or is she just talking to you as her "buddy."? Lucky her, she got to dump you and still have all the goodies of your friendship and companionship with no loss on her part. Her guilt has likely even been eased with your "frienship". At least with my ex, he lost my friendship in the deal too. Like you, I tried to do the friends thing for awhile, but I was suppressing my feelings for him and I was analyzing, hoping, and wishing he would say ONE WORD about a reconciliation but he never did. He dumped ME suddenly so he knew that I didn't stop caring for him overnight. I gave him many chances to "say the word" (at my own expense) since I had been badly hurt by him. I finally started to feel resentment for him because he made this selfish choice (which was to dump me for another girl) but still "had" me in a way and I cut off contact for myself. Sure I guess I "lost" him, but he was gone already by his own choice anyway. I just refused to give him what he wanted and seem like I was "ok" with his s**t treatment when deep inside I was not. I don't really see how that was fair to either of us. It wasn't even true friendship anyway, was it?

The point is, I gave him a chance to make a move to get me back, but he didn't. So though I was still hurting, I finally gave up and decided to stop what torture that I did have control over and get on with my life. You have given her chances to make a move to reconcile as well and she is not taking them. Giving up can be a sign of strength not weakness. Again, I am not saying if she were to call and specifically say she wants to GET BACK TOGETHER (and I emphasize this) to not talk to her because you are in some kind of no contact game. She dumped YOU and this other stuff she is doing shouldn't be good enough for you.

Hi Sypher,
Thanks for the PM. Okay, I'll stick around, continue to offer you advice and respond to your questions... just don't forget - you asked for it! :D

Seriously, though, I am glad I have been able to help some. Thank you for your warm compliments. You truly have made a lot of gains, we aren't missing those - we see them. You are working hard at it, and I can really appreciate just how difficult that has been for you. To be honest, I wouldn't continue to spend the time to give you advice if I didn't feel you were trying.

Anyhow, don't be upset with yourself. I came across as a little defensive myself, I guess. As requested, you will receive my continued support.

Hugs, Didi

I had to post right now, because I'm in such a good mood and I'm thinking about this..

Its different to me to be in a good mood about this, but I'm feeling excited about what's going to happen. Im looking forward to getting over this, and I just hope that I can keep this mindset. I know by reading the advice I've gotten on here, I can keep that going :)

EDIT: oh boy, 20 minutes later I don't feel the same at all. Guess its time to go to bed. Some time needs to hurry and pass so I don't feel like a nut :)

I was the same way, one minute your fine and the next the hurt is back. But once you finally let go it becomes a lot easier to control your emotions. I'ts been 3 months since she broke up with me, even thow I still think of her it's not 24/7 like before and the dreams become less frequent now. And the worse thing you can do is talk about her, I did with my friends with other break ups not this time because I cant. They were so tired of me talking about her that after a while they stopped calling me. So when you go home don't talk about her with your bro's. But TRUST ME, once you let go of her the healing really begins and it does get better.

It is obivious that she has moved on and keeps reminding you of it... get over her... you deserve to be happy and go after what you want and need... I have been on that side and its not worth putting your life on hold and to hope for something that will never happen... hope this helps a little

Hey all,

I wanted to get some of my thoughts written down, as they've been bugging me all day.

I feel like today is going to be a test for me, and I'm sort of scared. Once again, the weekend starts tonight, and I'm afraid of getting that phone call. Now, I know the advise that some will give me (Tal) is to just ignore the call, walk away, leave it for good -- but I'm not sure I am capable of that.

I'm not sure I can leave it cold shoulder like that because I wouldn't mind a friendship in the future. I see no reason to leave things on a bad note. At the same time, Im in no rush to call just to say we can't talk anymore -- sounds counter productive.

I guess I want to know if it sounds all right to answer if she calls, but let her know how I'm feeling, and that I need the space. I certainly don't want to appear incapable of handling my feelings, but she would be selfish to judge me for doing what's right for me. Like I said, I don't think I have it in me to walk away without a word.

I think the fear is coming from the fact that part of me wants to talk to her, the same part that wouldn't allow me to remain in contact and heal properly. Saying that I need my space would be an action for me. I think it would help me relax, and not have to worry about what's going to happen the next time we talk - and it would also save me from feeling like I didn't leave things bitter by walking away without a word.

EDIT: By no means do I mean that I'm going to call her if I don't hear from her. This is basically a hypothetical 'what if she calls me tonight'

EDIT (again): Basically I'm wondering how to handle any attempts she makes at contact. Do I stop her from making further attempts? Should I just be busy and not have time to talk?

I think you have already told her once before that it was too difficult to let go if she kept talking to her. If not, then why not just tell her the truth?? If she calls and you answer, tell her it is PAINFUL for you to keep having her call, text, IM, hold hands, kiss, hug, talk, etc. If she is interested in someone else, then you think the best thing to do is just what she suggested in the first place... to take a break - end contact. Tell her that you hope that you can remain friends, but that will take time... that you are hurt and you need to heal and you can't do it with her floating in and out of your life when she has feelings for someone else. Tell her that since you have both pretty much dated only each other that it's probably best for you both to date other people anyway.

I don't really understand why it is so difficult for you to just walk away without saying a word. She ended your relationship. She likes someone else. She has made it clear over and over and over again that it's over. You just aren't hearing it.

I would like to ask you something... you can choose whether to answer...

Why do you continue to love a woman who has openly told you that she is attracted to someone else, that she wants to end things, and that she is willing to stop all contact if it would make it easier for you? Is this really the kind of woman you not only might want to marry, but also be friends with? I could NEVER remain friends with a person who respected and cared for me so little that they would continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I just don't understand... what is keeping you attached? What do the two of you have in common that makes you want to remain friends with her? It is so very difficult to understand from the outside looking in.

Tal is right, Sypher. You DO need to ignore the call, walk away, move on. Be unavailable! When I wrote that, several women responded and said the same thing. Don't you think that when there are so many people saying the same things that you might consider that we are right? You think we are getting paid for this? :D

We say what we say because we know. Many of us have been there. Many of us can see things more clearly from the outside than you can see from the inside.

I guess the other thing that is so very telling is that every time you feel that you are on your way to healing she contacts you and you fall apart all over again. That's just plain wrong of her to do. She doesn't even CARE what she is doing to you. Here are all these strangers that have been trying to help you for months and she doesn't give a crap how you are feeling as long as you are there when she needs you because this guy and her will never work. She is into this other guy like you are into her.

Anyhow, enough said. I just wish you would read and re-read all posts and comments (including yours) every morning until it all fell together.

Later, gator...

Didi

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

Why do you continue to love a woman who has openly told you that she is attracted to someone else, that she wants to end things, and that she is willing to stop all contact if it would make it easier for you? Is this really the kind of woman you not only might want to marry, but also be friends with? I could NEVER remain friends with a person who respected and cared for me so little that they would continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I just don't understand... what is keeping you attached? What do the two of you have in common that makes you want to remain friends with her? It is so very difficult to understand from the outside looking in.

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I have asked myself this same question over and over, and I can't find the answer. I've had tons of ideas go back and forth in my head... Maybe I have some sort of attachment issues, maybe I'm too scared to move on, maybe I'm afraid that ill never be quite that happy again.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure what my problem is. If I were to detail the relationship, I'm sure many of you would tell me I'm better off without her. Maybe ill give you some details, maybe you can see something I don't.

During the relationship, we had a lot of stupid little arguments. She would be angry with me for not going over to see her if I wanted to just hang out at my house. She would be angry with me if I didn't want to spent an hour and a half on the phone talking with her when I was at school. If the conversations on the phone got boring, it would be somehow my fault beucase I wasn't trying hard enough. Whenever my friends wanted me to go out, I was guilted into not going (I blame myself for that somewhat). She had told me a few times that she was getting sick of me, as we spent too much time together (like every day for a few weeks), but when I would leave, she would be angry. Every time we had a fight, she was the stronger one, and remained mad. I would also give in an apolgoize beucase I hated upsetting her. Im sure if Wildcat were reading this, he would be all over me. I had no backbone, I was a wuss... Im not certain that's why I lost her, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me not being able to move on.

This is not to say that we weren't happy (im sure someone will disagree), but I loved being with her. When I outline this, I know all I am doing is adding to the reasons I should move on.

Maybe that will give you some incite on the relationship. I wouldn't call the relationship abusive, but is it possible that the way I was treated let me become dependent on her? Maybe all of that has nothing to do with it, but I know I never said any of this here (im embarassed), and figured id share those things with you.

Like I said, I wonder why I'm having such a damn hard time letting go. Its been so long and I'm so sick of missing her. Its like it was an addiction... Im sure I got too caught up in her, became dependent, all of that bad stuff... but it was my first love. That's no excuse for taking upwards of three months to get over it...

Thanks for listening

All of the advice in the world does no good unless you want to take it and really try get over someone and help yourself. People tried to tell me the same things we are telling you when my ex and I broke up and I wouldn't listen either. Just follow your gut Sypher. I hope things work out the way you want with your ex, but given the collective history and experience of people on here who have already gone through it, that may not be the case. I hate to say this, but I think you may have to learn the lessons we are trying to teach you on your own and unfortunately it may be the hard way (like I did). I hope this isn't the case. Good luck to you : )

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Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

All of the advice in the world does no good unless you want to take it and really try get over someone and help yourself. People tried to tell me the same things we are telling you when my ex and I broke up and I wouldn't listen either. Just follow your gut Sypher. I hope things work out the way you want with your ex, but given the collective history and experience of people on here who have already gone through it, that may not be the case. I hate to say this, but I think you may have to learn the lessons we are trying to teach you on your own and unfortunately it may be the hard way (like I did). I hope this isn't the case. Good luck to you : )

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SouthernBelle,

I think you misinterpreted my post. It wsnt that I was waiting for her call. I was more dreading it than anything. I have been making myself very busy. There isn't much for me to do this weekend, but that will change when my summer begins. Like I said, I have a full time job starting. I play tennis everyday, go to the gym, and have to study for my finals. I am by no means waiting for a phone call, and haven't been all week... :)

Thanks for the advice though. I am taking it, don't think I'm not. I have been stuck on this for the last three months, and am finally getting sick of it. The lessons that your speaking of, I think I did already learn them. And to be honest, I did learn them on my own, because I was too ignorant to believe what I was being told. I didn't want to believe it, still don't sometimes, but I did learn. Now I'm just basically here for the support to keep me from going back. Hard to explain why I would want to go back, I know how stupid it sounds, but in all hoensty, if I'm not vigilant, I can see myself falling back into a bad habit

Thanks why I'm here :)

Well, maybe you are just afraid of going through the motions to meet someone else? You are shy? Have self-esteem issues?

I believe that when you 'get serious' about someone that you usually choose a person who is a reflection of how you feel about the inner you. For instance, a lot of women choose 'bad boys' because they don't feel worthy of a 'good boy'. Some people become 'helpers' and are always trying to 'fix' their partner because they really don't feel very good about themselves and it feeds their ego. Some people get involved with married partners because they are really afraid to have a permanent relationship. People who have been abused (and haven't dealt with it appropriately) tend to pick abusive partners. People who are shy might pick someone who is the life of the party.

Maybe it would benefit you to make two lists... one being the Pro's and Con's of your relationship and the other being how she has been a good partner vs how she has been a bad partner. Maybe even a third list... why do you love her?

You say that you loved being with her. Could that be the key? It does sound like she was pretty immature and controlling. Maybe you are a more serious, grounded, emotional person and her lightness, immaturity and flighty nature helped you to loosen up? If you are shy, someone who is outspoken helps you to not have to deal with your shyness. After my husband died I realized that he created our social life. I am shy and quiet, he was outgoing and friendly. I didn't even KNOW how to have a social life without him. I never did things without him. Up until a few years ago I had never done much of anything on my own. First I did it with my kids (from my first marriage) and then I did it with my husband. Learning how to do things on my own was SOOOOOOOO stressful! :D

Anyhow, write out your thoughts... it really does help. I do think you need to spend more time examining all of this. Usually, one dates several people and through that dating they are able to determine what exactly they want in a partner... and what they don't want. They don't usually spend the rest of life with their first love. You are obviously a giver... but at what expense?

By the way - have you had other deep losses in your life? That is an important question.

Hugs, Didi

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

Well, maybe you are just afraid of going through the motions to meet someone else? You are shy? Have self-esteem issues?

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I always considered myself to be quite shy. I have never had much trouble meeting friends, though I can't talk to anyone I find attractive. There is some sort an anxeity I have about talking with women, I guess I'm scared? Maybe deep down I'm afriad ill have to do that again? I would also say that I have some self esteem issues. For the past few years, I have really hated how I looked. I never found myself attractive, always thought I was pretty overweight (in actuallity only about 20 pounds, now down to about 10). I also could never accept a compliment. No matter what anyone tells me, I always figured it was just to make me feel better (including almost everything I've heard since my breakup). Even before that, if I was being self-concious about my looks, my ex would say she loved the way I looked, thought I was very attractive... I never believed it.

(EDIT: I wanted to add that I have never actually "dated" anyone persay. I talked with her for about a month before we were a couple. It was sort of something that just clicked between us. Until reading posts on here, I never knew that there was a difference between being in a relationship and dating. So it is fair to say, I have never dated. It was basically us jumping into a relationship)

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

I believe that when you 'get serious' about someone that you usually choose a person who is a reflection of how you feel about the inner you. For instance, a lot of women choose 'bad boys' because they don't feel worthy of a 'good boy'. Some people become 'helpers' and are always trying to 'fix' their partner because they really don't feel very good about themselves and it feeds their ego. Some people get involved with married partners because they are really afraid to have a permanent relationship. People who have been abused (and haven't dealt with it appropriately) tend to pick abusive partners. People who are shy might pick someone who is the life of the party.

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While Id say that I was shy, she was worse. From the time I met her, she had one good friend, that was about it. For that reason, I think she became a bit attached to me. In the beginning, I made the classic first love mistake of giving her everything. After that, she expected everything, and when I wanted to spend time with my friends, she became more controlling. She was not "the life of the party". She hated parties, atually. Many people find her very hard to get along with.

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

By the way - have you had other deep losses in your life? That is an important question.

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This point has been previously brought up to me. I have never had another serious loss. My grandfather died when I was about 4 or 5 years old, though I don't remember him or the event. Since then, I have not lost any close family members or anything of the sort. It had been suggested that since I had yet to experience any true loss, I had not developed any coping skills, and don't know how to deal with the loss of my girlfriend. I suppose in all reality, it is similar to the death of a family member... I am losing something that was a huge part of my life.

Now that I've done it, I enjoy talking about myself quite a bit more than I enjoy talking about my ex. At least I feel like I'm gaining some understanding of myself, rather than building more and more confusion :) I hope I have given you the info you were looking for.

Okay, so let's say she does call you tonight... so what? Does that change anything? If you want to talk to her, go ahead, talk away. If at the moment she calls, you don't feel like it, don't. You don't need to plan for it. It's not an event that you need to sell tickets for. It's a moment, a short moment, in your life. You want to exchange pleasantries with her, be polite or just have a chuckle? All right, just know that most of the time, those instant gratification moments come with long term consequences. Like putting you back to square one when it comes to coping with the loss of your relationship. If you don't take her call now, because you're trying to put the pieces back and breathe without her being part of that breath, it doesn't mean you can never talk to her. When you're stronger, more confident (and you will know when that is without a doubt) then you can take her call or even give her a call. If lot's of time has gone by and you feel awkward about it, so what, the awkward only lasts for a short time, it will be like riding a bike.

Thanks momincali,
Pretty much what I needed to hear. Made me smile a little bit too (not an event to sell tickets for :)). Just before I came back here, I was thinking. If she calls and I don't answer... shes finally getting a taste of her own medicine. She's been making me miss her all week, so what if she misses me tonight, or all next week, or all month for that matter. For some reason, I (used to) feel an immense guilt at missing a phone call. While we were together, Id never miss one, if I could help it, and I guess that's just carrying over.

But guess what... I don't owe her a damn thing.

Darn straight! Now go do whatever the heck floats your boat (as long as it's not illegal, immoral or fattening) and don't worry about getting a call, giving a call or anything in between. That's called living.

Those first love relationships are so hard to get over doggonit. Join the rest of us.

Well...

Life slapped me in the back of the head today. The situation I spent all this time worrying about sort of fixed itself.

She did call me. I knew she would, I was expecting it. I answered, knowing what I was going to do, knowing what to think, how to act, everything. I had it planned out.

I didn't do any of it. Turns out, she was calling because something I was doing for her mother, her mother had questions about. I could tell by her voice, she was a bit upset, and she wasn't talking as friends at all. We talked about 5 minutes, I answered the questions, that was it.

She called me later, because she told me she would. She had pretty much nothing to say, just didn't want to leave her saying shed call, and not calling. She also pointed out that I "sounded different".

Here's where Im at... Shes on the same wavelength as I am, I didn't have to bring it up, risk an awkward conversatoin nothing. She knows we need to put space between us as well, and I'm pretty relieved.

Im pleased with the way it turned out. No emotions were brought up, "we" weren't mentioned once, and I haven't had a second thought about it :)

Good afternoon all!

Just posting to say hello, and I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Mine has gone quite well so far. I have been able to keep my emotions in check.

I must admit, I have don't a great deal of procrastinating on studying for my exams which begin tomorrow :( Oh well, in two days my summer vacation begins :) :) :)

My roommate is out for the afternoon, so my music is being played nice and loudly. It really helps me to keep my head on straight. The chorus of the song I'm listening to now goes along these lines:

"When all is said and done,
I will be the one.
To leave you in your misery,
And hate what you've become."

Not that I am that angry (the rest of the song is a bit angrier), but the angry songs somehow make me motivated to get up and do something. Its like an upper :)

Hope everyone has a good Sunday :)

It's okay to be angry and/or to feel your emotions, you know.

I hope you studied some after writing your last post here! Exams are pretty important! :) Oh, summer vacation and all that comes along with it must be so exciting.

It's good to hear you sounding so well. Keep focused and you will be amazed at how well you will do. Hope your exams go well.

Hugs, Didi

Moving on does not mean there is no chance in the futcure, the only thing that worries me is if you guys get back together this summer and you then go threw the summer and school comes is she going to dump you to go back to the person she is when she's at school? Also if its meant to be it will

Its not the right time for you Sypher to be with her at any time in the near future. Or talking to her. You need to have time with yourself and your life without her! For at least several months :)