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I am giving her space, haven't made contact in 4 days and will go another week- but I might see her at church (and if we see each other at church? That's another thing everyone in our church knew we were a couple and now if we don't sit together people will notice.) it's just so damned hard. I'm so afraid that she'll meet someone new and I know that's not why we broke up.
Well go to another church? Meet new people, new friends, new way of life!
Come the relaization that it is over rite now, because that is exactly what she is going to do.I'm finely coming to terms that yes she is going to be with someone else and it sucks because I can't picture her with anybody but me. I loved her, but I don't even want her back if she comes back again. So move on your 35 like me, and were not getting any younger.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Just one last thing - after I sent her the email about how I felt - I posted it here. She didn't even respond and I can't figure out why.
Who cares why. It is over.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Joe
Because she has moved on and so should you! I told my ex about 3 weeks ago to leave me alone FOREVER and there are things that are becoming so clearer that she did and said to hurt me. I feel like a damn idot now but I'm so stronger now then I was a month ago. And yes I still miss her but and don't want to be friends with someone who used me. And if you do NC you will also start to heal and clear your head and you may not want her back IF she comes back.
My girlfriend and I broke up about a week ago because she needs to figure out who she is - career, friends, identity all up in the air for her right now. It's because of this that I believe she broke up with me. We were together for almost 2 years - and we even talked about marriage, we were practically living together (I never put any pressure on her) . She's younger than I am, just graduated from college last year.
Anyway it's been a little over a week now and she hasn't called/contacted me - my question is and I know I have to give her space, but how long should I wait before contacting her to see how she's doing?
Thanks - for any advice.
Let her contact you. She said she needed space so give her all the space she needs and she will contact you when and if she is ready.
Don't wait to long. A week or maybe 3 is long enough. If you guys are sill in love and your relationship is worth saving than do so. Don't just let her walz out of life. Besides there is nothing wrong with checking on the woman you love. How the two of you feel about each other is all that really matters.
I wish you the best of luck and more happiness than your heart can hold
I would leave her alone, let her have her space. Because I think if you call her you will push her away. If you are hurting heal yourself and find the person you where before you met her.
OK rolling on with the brutal answer here...
Mm I think personally that guys should deliberately misinterpret 'need space' as 'it's over' and start to get on with life without the 'ex' as per se, this shows her you have backbone and iniative to explore your own feelings rather than living and breathing for her every word like a puppy dog, further to that it also proves to her that you do not NEED her to be happy but when she is part of your life she is a positive influence.
More importantly though it proves to you yourself that you can live life without her and be happy...
That's the irony - from the very beginning she was the one that had to be together all the time - she moved really fast. She was all I knew, and she didn't really have her own friends, interests - direction and that's something she has to work on. I love her so much and I want her to be happy, I just want to be there for her and not let our love get swept under all this. So I should just wait to see if she calls me? This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm older than she is but I have never gone by life's plan of this has to be done by this date etc. So I want to hold out and wait, but I can't figure out why she would push the one thing in her life away that she knows she can count on.
Sometimes in order to grow you have to.. . change things...Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
People change with time their outlooks expand horizons and points of view change, and if you really want her to be happy, you need to be happy yourself, I mean if she really cares for you then she wouldn't want to see you unhappy right?
Love is never washed under it always lives on in the heart, true love is unconditional and without boundaries or needing an explanation, if you really love this girl and she loves you back then things will work out regardless of what you do right now, so why not enjoy yourself and not having to answer to anyone for a while and go out and try all the things you maybe never did while you were with her?
Regardless, good luck whichever way this goes..
Is it a bad idea to contact her mom via email just to see how my ex is doing? I know it will get back to her so maybe not. I am also frinedly with her stepdad - bad idea to talk to him about her? So confused.
Perhaps if I vanish she'll miss me? I don't know.
Don't contact her parentsQuote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
That will really freak her out she'll call u bad names n stuff too probably..
Your heart is in the right place but its leading your mind to possibly hurt yourself over this
Oh don't vanish as in like not answer her calls n stuff, just.. if she does call sound busy, and keep yourself busy, if she doesn't miss you then she wasn't worth it hey?
If you truly love someone you set them free.
I wouldn't bring her family into this at all and the same goes for friends. I think, as others have pointed out, you should go on with your own life, and leave her alone. If she hasn't called you in 2-3 months then you know for sure you made the right decision to find your own happiness. Sorry dude, you must give her what she asked for.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Give her the space she needs, she needs her space right now and any pressure you put on her will push her away further. Right now, as difficult as it may be, you must not put your life on pause, get busy and carry on your daily routine. What will be will be (as the saying goes). You can't change someone's mind for them, you can guide them but ultimately life decisions need to be made within and she will be the one to make this one. This is a painful thought but it may be that you may need to accept that this is over for good... I had to go through this and it was very hard.
Its still very early days though for you though so it is best not to speculate too much on what will happen.
Well if I was you I would try to talk to her about you wanting to still be in a romantic relationship. But if she doesn't want to give it another chance try to be friends. If you can't take it just being friends then you need to stop. Because sometimes it is to hard to friends with someone that you have been in love with for two years. Just wait is all I really can tell you! I wish you the best luck!
Thanks everyone. It is really hard and yes I am listening to everyone. After a month or so is that too early to contact her if she hasn't tried to get in touch with me? I just don't know.
1 month - 2 months - 3 months? We are mutual friends of a bride to be in July (she's the one that introduced us) I hope she doesn't NOT attend the wedding because of me.
Thoughts?
Leave it at least 2 months, perhaps even 3 months of no contact but don't hold out on false hope here. Letting her contact you would be far better than making the first move but you must do what you think is right.
Space means space and no contact gives her that. However, in time if she does not contact you, no contact will become a source of your healing.
Do they ever make contact/call again? We had something pretty amazing - I don't understand how you can go from calling someone everyday (a few times even) and spending so much time together - down to nothing.
Of course you don't understand, but you must give her what she ask for. If you care at all just do it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
She asked for time and space...
So give her that...
Happens a lot.. Happened to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Did she call again? No.. And that was after No contact after the initial 4 weeks of me trying to work it out. After a while, you do accept it, I did and I would say it took a good 4 months before the real healing began for me. Everyone goes through this, well the majority I would say. You have my greatest sympathy as I know what this must be putting you through. It is the hardest thing to let someone go when you love them so much but sometimes we must do this because we love them. That is where acceptance comes from where love is concerned. Accepting the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference (as the prayer goes).
At the moment though, I am not suggesting you must let go because it is very early days for you but giving her space and getting busy for now is the best move you can make. Take each day as it comes but be prepared for anything that comes your way. There is a great support network here and I too came here 6 months ago looking for advice and support and there are some great voices here who will help you through this difficult time.
Sometimes women can be immature and to check on their b/fs if they really love, they ask silly things like leave me alone and stuff... to see if he comes running back... this is not to imply that you start calling her. No. I think you can give her a call and see how she responds. You will gauge from the tone of her voice... and if your gut feel says something's not right, then hun just move ahead not backward... there's so much to do in life... and each one of us is destined to have one good partner in our life, so wait for one... don't hanker or run after things... not healthy at all.
Not to sound too crazy here and I do know that it's totally irrational -but I drove by her house at 1AM (after hitting the pub w/a friend) and her car wasn't home. And then again this morning and her car still wasn't there?? I know she had to work today so I can't figure out why her car would not have been at home.
Maybe it's really over. Could she have moved on so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Its best not to over analyse what she is doing right now, there could be a number of reasons her car was not there.
Seriously though, driving past her house at 1 A.M in the morning is not healthy, what if she caught you doing that or someone told her you did that. It would make you look like a stalker, not good. This is exactly the sort of thing that would push her away further and confirm her decision to call it a day.
Give her SPACE!!
Now I REALLY don't know what to do. My EX calls me and she's sobbing/crying and I ask her if she's OK and she says yes but obviously she isn't. We talk a little small talk - nothing serious about us - and I keep the mood light and make her laugh. She says that she's seen me running and looks down my street when she drives by (we live really close by). Both of us are very guarded during the conversation - I tell her again that I'll always be there for her (perhaps a mistake?) we end our talk when she says "I'll talk to you later on".
Now I don't play games and maybe it's got more to do with chemical makeup of people I don't know - but what does this call mean? Man relationships are brutal. I'm obviously feeling good right now but I've got to keep this in perspective.
Anyone have any ideas? And again thanks to everyone for their input.
Can anyone help?
Coming from my personal experience, I wouldn't think too much of it. You don't really know what was going on in her mind, so don't try to guess what she was thinking. Maybe she was upset, and needed a friend to talk to - that's it.
You don't know, and chances are she probably doesn't know what she's doing. Its good that your keeping your good feelings in check, as that can be a brutal letdown.
You have been advised to leave her and her family alone, and that you are so confused, is one of the main reasons that you need to cut the contact. Read other post about breakups, and you will see, that the ones who continue the contact, go through the same confusion you are going through. That's no coincidence my friend, but is what happens when you delay your healing process, and continue to go in circles, because her contacts give you false hope to getting back together. Word to the wise is leave her alone, and be unavailable to her attempts to contact you.
This is from my EX -
Was it okay that I called you on Saturday? I was having a bad day and I was upset and all I could think about was how much I missed you. You have always been there for me whenever I needed you. I really hope I did not make things more difficult for you. I know you are trying to get on with your life. Do you think that in time we will be able to remain friends? I guess I will talk to you later. Thank you for being there for me on Saturday. I really needed to hear your voice.
Everyone says NO CONTACT but I love her so much. Everyone's relationships are unique so I'm at a loss - I definitely don't want to fall into the friends category, so now what?
She says she misses me so much but than also talks about remaining friends, is she trying to get back together with me?
Hate to tell you she has already put you in the friends category. No she is not trying to get back with you. Until you get over the denial, and work on you this will get worse, No Contact.Quote:
Do you think that in time we will be able to remain friends?
Also basically says she's not trying to get back with youQuote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
My standard reply to a gal saying similar to that would be
'maybe in a few months we can be friends again, right now I need space'
But I'm really really evil so.. just an idea for you :P
Tal is right, you are already in the friends category and are in denial of the situation. This is quite normal to go through this but you must pull away... Its harsh but she is gone and you must now try and accept this and let go...Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Is there a chance for you in the future? I can't answer that and nobody can but it is best to eradicate any false hope and instead begin a process of moving on and working on yourself.
I don't think its fair to be too harsh with words with you because you are still in the early stages and I too was very lost 6 months ago. I promise that if you listen to the advice you get here and lean on your friends and family, it will get better. Time does heal, it does take a while but you will get there. You can give yourself a big head start by cutting all contact and I mean ALL CONTACT. Give yourself some breathing space and just let time do the work, give yourself as much time as is required, its no race and will take months to heal. Even then the wounds are more like scars but you will become all the more stronger and see things much more clearly.
Here's a deal, come back to this thread 6 months from now when you will feel much healthier mentally. I mean, come back here anyway between now and then whenever you need to talk but what I mean is, read your thread in 6 months time again and you will see how true everything is.
I hope I have helped.
I agree with the advice above. If you ask (most) anyone here, their ex's have said something similar soon after the breakup. And of these most were not trying to get back together. It is something you need to be aware of, and not over analyze.
So why did she contact me in the first place? She was obviously upset and hurting and missed me, what's that all about?
Missing you and wanting you back are two very different things.
Just beucase she broke up with you doesn't mean she hates you. Its to be expected that she is going to miss having you, but I assure you if you were to get back together just beucase she missed you now, you would break up again...
So I should just avoid her and any contact she makes with me? What if she does want to get back together and I show that I'm not interested or not there for her.
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