Especially if that girlfriend is bossing her around and telling what to do and not do.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
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Especially if that girlfriend is bossing her around and telling what to do and not do.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
I think the dad and the girl have issues and you're in the middle of them. Maybe he and his daughter need to do some counseling.
I'd leave though unless he agrees to do family counseling and actually does it. This situation is not good. All blended families don't work. Did you guys discuss these things before all the kids moved in?
But we cannot just let them do things their not allowed to do. And with 5kids there is a lot of correcting. We do have a lot of structure . The kids are in a good routine for mostly all things like getting ready for school in morning and homework time after.. and there's not constant correcting. I'm just venting all the problems because of course the good stuff I want it to stay that way.. we are always taking them places and do stuff together . But like I said with so many kids there's always one of them having a dilemma . It cld be something like their fighting with another kid up at the park that I have to take care of. Few days can go by without sum arguing between them thoughQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
But there is a good way to correct where you don't create more chaos and upset and hard feelings (and conflict with your boyfriend).Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
I think the problem is with the daughter and the dad which is why the daughter is this way with her. It does not help when the dad has put out her out a few times and she hears the dad yell at her. He should tell her to not discipline her are all. Dad needs to have a talk with his daughterQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I don't think this is all her fault.
No, it's not all anyone's fault. They need family counseling to get the entire family act together.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Holy crappies this is really some of the worst parenting I've heard on this website.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
You and the boyfriend are responsible for this mess. You and the boyfriend created this mess. There are lives at stake here - lives you and your boyfriend are screwing up with your really horrid lack of parenting skills. If you and the boyfriend continue to behave as you have described here, the behaviors you see now will be a blessing compared to what you will see in 5 and 10 years.
Realize that your parenting skills are horrid and get some help.
I see it this way... these kids would be expected to listen to a babysitter... and respect them... I believe they are under the same obligations to listen to her as well... no she's not their mom.. but she's an adult that lives in the house and has to be respected and lisned to as well.
Both parents have to be extra careful to treat the others kids exactly as they would trat their own... but I don't believe an adult living under the same roof... should be precluded from discilining any child that also lives in that house based on who's genes they carry.
As long as they are all held to the same standards the others are.
Its time all the kids learn they will have to listen to people who aren't related the rest of their lives... like at work as one example... so it's a just another life lesson they need to learn.
I agree Smoothy .They need to do counseling on how to deal with this blended family and he needs to stop telling her to leave.
Leave, you have one foot out the door any way, and don't be lured from this solution because of the good times. It's evident that you need a space that you don't have to be worried about outside influences, or asked to leave from.
Leave him to reconcile with his own kids and solve their problem his way. I am willing to bet its his house you moved into. Am I correct? I mean its logical to assume that because he kicks YOU out, but have you ever asked him to leave? I doubt it.
Leave and get your act together after the emotional dust has settled. You don't have the skill, strength, or mind set to deal with HIS teen daughter. Hell her mama couldn't either.
I forgot who said it but someone said she prob don't like me because I'm always telling her what to and not to do but I HAVE TO! Me n my boyfriend agreed wer allowed to discipline the others kids. We discipline good and very fair and I HAVE TO TELL HER WHAT TO DO OR NOT DO or all hell will break loose! It's the attitude and responses we/i get back. Trust me I don't even yell. I rarely raise my voice unless one of them is really out of line ! Yes I think daughters attitude comes from being mad her mom can't handle them and she's jealous of me being with her dad. His kids hate a lot emotional issues due to the crappy their mother pulls. I've talked to them and am very sincere about that too.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Its not like me and my boyfriend argue all time around them. But they have heard sum things and the daughter remembers stuff she's heard her dad say and remembers the times he kicked me out so I think she tries at times to stir up in having hopes me and her dad start fighting and maybe he'll make me leave.. she's very jealous of meQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I'm the one. It's not what you say to her but HOW you say it! You have me mad at you just reading your responses in this thread. I can only imagine how SHE feels, dealing with you in person.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
Maybe, maybe not. (First "a lil bit," now "very"?)Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
I think there is a lot more to this discipline problem than her possible jealousy of you.
Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman againQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Often step kids have a resentment toward the step mom that comes off as jealousy. You figure she had dad to herself and now you are taking moms place as well as some of dads share.
It disturbs me greatly that you have been asked to leave multiple times, and that just does not compute with you never raising your voice. WHY does he ask YOU to leave during an argument as that seems drastic when one of you could just shut up.
I think the mistake was going back after the second time he kicked you out. I think he wants you out, so LEAVE!! Doesn't matter about the issues, or the situation at this point. Remove yourself from it.
Don't go back even if he ask you back. He needs to take care of his kids and you yours.
Lol. I know its how you say things. And I don't tell her tto not do or tto do something in a mean nor condescending way. I even say please don't hang on the trampoline net they tear easily . And she gets mad.. not every single sec I'm correcting her but the times we do she flips out. Its not that I don't understand why she does it but we've sat her down together and separately and talked with her and she gets a lot of attention being only girl . We tell her we love her. However the issues with her mother bothers her and we don't know what to do because we can't change how their mother is.. and I'm not mean to them by far its just attitude she gives when told .Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
And reg comment before about status with the kids, they fully understand my role .its not that that their confused about . They just don't like being told what to do. They get likely that like I said,, with their dad too but not as much . Of course I know its different for kids listening tp their parents as opposed to the girlfriend/boyfriend... I will comment on me adding to the chaos because your far off. Of course your going by things you heard in aa day which is very different from being around it and seeing it.. I'm actually the calm one that calms everyone down and it takes long time before I begin to actually YELL. Il raise my voice sum but to scream itt takes a while...Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
It's getting easier to reach the boiling point, isn't it? Be completely honest with yourself. The adults are as out of control as the daughter. You can try to be calm. But reading your descriptions of everyone's behavior, I think you are falling apart faster than you want to admit.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
I think you need to suggest taking the child to a therapist/doctor. I think she needs to be screened for health issues. There may be reasons for her behavior that have been overlooked.
After reading your responses, I think you need to get your own place. If the relationship is going to survive, you need to start over from the beginning. This time building it on a foundation based on five children in the house instead one.
I do not know if the relationship can be saved. But I will say that if things continue as they are it will get worse.
Sometimes in life we have to realize when something isn't working. And truly this isn't working, regardless of how many comments are made. So you need to change course and that would include learning positive discipline. If you aren't willing to make the effort then you are going to be dealing with this until they leave the home. And it will get worse.Quote:
Originally Posted by natjosh
He does not like your son and his daughter doesn't respect you. You two need to have your own place. It would be better for you and your kids and maybe for his too.
You haven't learned to differentiate normal human (adult and kid) reactions to things from "PERSONAL ATTACK" or "Dislike" or learned healthy ways to communicate. It's not just a matter of the kids not knowing how to respect you - you all don't respect each other! Can stuff like that change and can you get the respect and care from the kids he has from someone else? YES but it takes work you may not be ready or willing or able to put in. If you do leave, realise that he will be in your life forever as a co-parent so you will have to try to work on this no matter what, in some form. You have a kid together and you both have kids soooo there's no "space to ourselves" where you don't have the kids. You need to work it out.
One tip: you're the adult. You are not a kid that needs to take their behaviour personally or "react" like a child yourself. How can a grown man "not like" your child? That's ridiculous. Are you seeing things like a kid? Grow up and be the leader. You might not like the actions of a child... but you can't dislike the CHILD for those reasons. Respect the kids and they will respect you more.
Well he didn't agree with the way I raised my son before I met him. It was just me and my son and I, of course, as a mom am real emotional and lovey dovey with my son and he has somewhat different parenting skills . He's more strict and when I don't discipline my son like my boyfriend thinks I should we get into an argument. He calls him spoiled and stuff. I know we just need to agree to be on same page and parent all kids the same way! I know where needs to be done. There's just some things that's happened in past up to now I think has put a huge damper on this relationship . I think I'm going to move out for a while.maybe we just can't live together rite now...Quote:
Originally Posted by WisperWill70
Their has been just so much chaos in past and fighting between us and kids . I think we need a break... I'm tired of every time we have an argument, he tells me to pack up me n my two boys (which one of those boys a 1yr old his mine n his child together ) and leave . I've left about ten x this past yr. I know its my dumbass fault for going back...
I agree!!
I feel bad for the kids as they are caught in the middle. I would recommend family counselling and if one of the adults don't want to go then the other should go on their own. The adults are supposed to be mature and teach the children how to interact in the world which seems like is not happening. Sounds like a very emotional household where the children are caught in the middle like pawns.
I have lived a life similar to that and it is very taxing on the child. You don't learn healthy coping mechanisms, you don't learn how to handle emotions and you don't learn how to disagree without being mean.
Hopefully the adults get their act together and start caring about all the children and stop with the her kids, his kids etc. COMMUNICATE
I think it high time you leave and don't go back, even if he ask you to come back. Make sure he pays child support for the son you have together,
Family counseling would do you all a world of good as would parenting classes. Boyfriend telling you to pack up and take off when things get hard is NOT the way to deal with a problem because it doesn't resolve anything. Take time for yourself to get your head together and really think about this situation, because like it or not he's now linked to you forever through a child.
Can't you see why the kids are weird with you? I can! First of all, with all the tension and fighting they can't trust that you are a stable adult presence in their lives who isn't just going to up and leave them (like mom?) whether it's you leaving or dad hustling you out so they are always on edge.
You admitted yourself that you're lovey-dovey with your son but treat them unequally. Why is that? Kids want love and they don't care who it is from as long as it is from the adults in their lives and you are an adult in their lives! They may feel that you're nice to your son and a b*tch on wheels to everyone else. That could be a childlike exaggeration on their part... or is it?
That you describe his kids (especially daughter) as "bitter" and "jealous" demonstrates a serious lack of boundaries and adulthood in your parenting. It's not that you shouldn't guide them about what to do and not to do (that's your job) it's that you saddle this parenting and guiding with childish feelings of competition, dislike and resentment. Be clear about it: you are NOT seeing the kids as innocent equals who need your love and help, you're seeing them as a rejected upset 9 year old yourself, who competes, resents, dislikes and is afraid of them. Like I said, You're the ADULT! Instead of seeing the little girl as this bitter, jealous, jerk - see her as innocent and quite rightly hardened. She's doing the best she can. She doesn't have a good relationship with mom, dad is a good disciplinarian but she might not feel emotionally close to him either, -you're there but she feels all your dislike and judgement about her whenever you tell her what to do. Duh! Of course she's going to act out. It would be weird if she didn't. (Would you trust someone's affection for you who outwardly disliked you? Nope. Especially not as a child) She doesn't trust that it's safe to care about you - because you don't like her.
The kids who see you being sweeter to your own child feel a lot of hurt coming from the fact that you see them as bitter, jealous, chaotic, negative people. Get a grip. These are kids and you may be giving them the requisite "I need to tell you what to do" disciplinary side but not your "motherly love"... which they ALSO need. (Even if they're not biologically your kid!) Every human in the world needs your love and understanding so you can know how to deal with them. You CAN change that. And it might be that they're an extension of the dad for whom you also have reservations about really opening up and loving. You take out some of your fear/anger with him on his kids. He gets mad and tries to give you the heave-ho - but what is your responsibility in that? Do YOU shut him out (mentally or otherwise) and flip the switch off and cut-loose when things go bad? Yup. You do.
You all have good intentions and are trying your best - but you guys need new skills, communication and coping mechanisms. Nothing is going to change in this situation until you make new choices and see how your behaviour is causing reactions and cross-reactions. If you do leave... it has to come from a strong place inside yourself... if you stay it has to come from a strong place inside yourself to respect yourself in the relationship enough to communicate with him instead of creating chaos and to let those kids into your heart FULLY instead of as a dreadful obligation.
You were compromised the first time he ended your conflict with asking you to leave. That's the whole ball of wax in my view. Its not the conflict with the kids it's YOU and your boyfriend's conflict resolution that's in question, and the kid are a whole different issue.
10 times in a year, no doubt he wants you gone. To be honest my mind was made up when you first revealed the fact he had asked you to leave during an argument. Not once but many times. It matters little that trying to blend a family is difficult, and can take years to resolve, hell its hard when the family I your own as kid grow, but when adults do the on/off thing, it is time to re evaluate this whole experiment after you have removed yourself from it and the whole perspective will change.
Go get your ducks in a row so you can have a path forward for yourself and YOUR children, that's safe, secure, and happy. So you can unpack your own baggage. Maybe you both can find your way through this and be good parents, without this clash of styles.
Glad you recognize you need your own place to regroup and try to heal. I wish you luck.
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