Ask Me Help Desk - Should I have a child to keep my boyfriend?

Because he said they turn him into a mess, he can't function on them

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

because he said they turn him into a mess, he can't function on them

How long did he stay on them? (Usually it takes 2-6 weeks to be effective, depending on what was prescribed.)

Did he report this to his psychiatrist?

I don't no, he wasn't on them when I met him?

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

i dont no, he wasnt on them when i met him?

This should scare you into next week.

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

because he said they turn him into a mess, he can't function on them

That is NOT happy information. Not the kind of person you want around a baby! He said he can take care of the baby some days, but if he is not on his meds, I would NOT leave a baby with him!

He doesn't sound in his right mind.

Are you in the UK by the way?

Maybe I missed it but how long have you been dating this fellow?

I vote NO! And add, Please don't do this. If you want children, find someone steady, healthy and emotionally mature, with a job.

It sounds like he would be just as happy with a puppy as a baby.

A child needs and deserves 2 parents, who live together, (marriage is the best in my opinion, Marriage = commitment) I have family with Bi-polar and they can be dangerous to themselves and to others. Do you really want a baby with Bi-polar? That would be so unfair to the child.

And 35, you've got a few years yet. Buy him a puppy and start looking for a better father for your children.

ANY man who issues such an ultimatum, bipolar or not, on meds or not, prison record or not, doesn't deserve my time, much less my uterus.

Afraid of losing him? Don't be. Call his bluff. Let's see him 'go find someone who will.'

He has a child and you say he's a good dad, so why this new urge on his part? He doesn't get to say 'this time I'll be an involved father.' Children aren't something you toss on the reject pile and get another.

BTW you say it isn't fair that a single mother can't afford to support herself and a child. LIFE isn't about fairness in isolation from other fairness. Why should every working stiff pay for every young woman who decides she has to do the most selfish thing there is, bring another baby into an overcrowded world? Do you ever complain about how high your payroll taxes are? That money goes to every other baby. But you don't make enough to quit your job and say that your payroll taxes paid for your baby, not by 1/2 of 1%.

I am 66. I CHOSE not to have children.

Last Sept your friend gemmagee, age 35, wanted a baby, and said this:
'Man 2 said he will be there, but because of his own problems he will let me down. He can't work, he won't be able to support me finacially or emotionally.but if he could I would be with him.'
And on July 30 (last week) she said that 'he wants to turn me into a mum.'

You are 35 and have a boyfriend who wants you to have a baby, and in every respect fits the above man to a T.
Is it really possible that two friends' lives could be so similar? Sure, the same age who want a baby. But with the same description of a boyfriend as well?
You didn't just decide to clear the air by starting a new ID?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

ANY man who issues such an ultimatum, bipolar or not, on meds or not, prison record or not, doesn't deserve my time, much less my uterus.

Afraid of losing him? Don't be. Call his bluff. Let's see him 'go find someone who will.'

He has a child and you say he's a good dad, so why this new urge on his part? He doesn't get to say 'this time I'll be an involved father.' Children aren't something you toss on the reject pile and get another.

BTW you say it isn't fair that a single mother can't afford to support herself and a child. LIFE isn't about fairness in isolation from other fairness. Why should every working stiff pay for every young woman who decides she has to do the most selfish thing there is, bring another baby into an overcrowded world? Do you ever complain about how high your payroll taxes are? That money goes to every other baby. But you don't make enough to quit your job and say that your payroll taxes paid for your baby, not by 1/2 of 1%.

I am 66. I CHOSE not to have children.

Last Sept your friend gemmagee, age 35, wanted a baby, and said this:
'Man 2 said he will be there, but because of his own problems he will let me down. he can't work, he wont be able to support me finacially or emotionally.but if he could i would be with him.'
And on July 30 (last week) she said that 'he wants to turn me into a mum.'

You are 35 and have a boyfriend who wants you to have a baby, and in every respect fits the above man to a T.
Is it really possible that two friends' lives could be so similar? Sure, the same age who want a baby. But with the same description of a boyfriend as well?
You didn't just decide to clear the air by starting a new ID?

I ask this question because I want to hear other peoples perspectives on what I should do. I do not just go out there and do it because its important to hear what others people say. I do not expect judgement, because it is only me who fully understands the situation really. If I explained every little detail then I would be here for weeks/months. There are many people who do just pop many kids out and live on benefits. There are so many women who get pregnant at 16 with out a dad to their kid. Having a child is a basic human right, but because I am fully aware of my situation I have not had one and I ask peoples oppionions.. . I do not think any one should judge, only offer good advice on here. It would be stupid to go and have a kid when its not going to have its basic needs met.but this is not a third world country , people here in the UK think its important to wear designer clothes, when really its having a good healthy meal, warmth, clean water and a loving family that is what is most important. Yes I don't earn enough to have a child. Neither does 50% of UK at least... why do u think I'm not taking this issue lightly

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

Having a child is a basic human right

No, it isn't.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No, it isn't.

. Every body has a right to choose

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Every body has a right to choose

And that's why 16-year-olds think they can have babies. That's why people pop out babies like there is no tomorrow, They are under the mistaken notion that having babies is their right.

Im not rrying to judge, I've been there done that. Raised 4 kids by myself on less than $1,000. A year. Their father was bi polar, never there for them and no child support. Its not easy at all .

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Im not rrying to judge, I've been there done that. Raised 4 kids by myself on less than $1,000. a year. Their father was bi polar, never there for them and no child support. Its not easy at all .

That's OK. Some people r judging me... not you. I haven't had a kid and I'm just asking advice so I make a good decision, yet some people r condemning me for trying to find out for myself what the best action Is. You have actually been helpful, because u know what its like and have been there

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And that's why 16-year-olds think they can have babies. That's why people pop out babies like there is no tomorrow, They are under the mistaken notion that having babies is their right.

There are many reasons 16 year olds r having children. They could have been raped, their parents were not there for them so they wanted a family, they r immature, they r irresponsible, society lead them to believe it is acceptable... its not black and white here. It is a basic human right, but what I am saying is everybody should be responsible with that human right, or don't have them at all... but in some circumstances the 16 year olds have no choice or feel it is their only option... this topic opens up a whole can of worms

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

everybody should be responsible with that human right

So it's time for you to be responsible.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So it's time for you to be responsible.

I'm not 16 love.

Its not time for me to be responsible, I already am... u ain't got a clue. Don't be so judgemental.

How can a person be irresponsible if they are seeking advice. An irresponsible person wood just go do it... its time for u to see that everything is not black n white.

Well I'm glad I sought advice on here, me and my partner have discussed the issues everyone has brought up , it has opened my eyes to the realities and given me things to think about I would not have thought of. It would be stupid to have a kid under these conditions, but if u don't ask people you only have your perspective. So it can't be bad to ask, I just think people should understand n not judge. Only then can we see the picture clearly

I think she meant 'make a responsible decision' about having a baby now, with this man that you can't depend on for help and support.

My niece has a bipolar 'adult', she is 27, and gets a check for $700.00 or so each month. My niece also has a son that is 22, some OCD but otherwise intelligent and a hard worker. He has had to hold his sister down to keep her from cutting her wrists. She has tried several times to kill herself and has come very close. She has physically attacked her mother, who had to beat her down in self defense. The 'child' is near to 400 lbs, because some of her medicine side effects were 'rapid weight gain'.

The saddest part was when my niece told her son to "get out while he could and get a life of his own," she added, "I'm stuck with her, you are not."

My niece feels she could never expect a man to tolerate her daughter, and plans to spend the rest of her life working and caring for her daughter ALONE.

Just saying.. not a happy ever after picture...

Quote:

Originally Posted by laurabarton30

I just think people should understand n not judge. Only then can we see the picture clearly

I haven't judged you. I grew up with a bipolar grandmother and a bipolar uncle (her son). I do not wish that on you or anyone else. It was, at times (TOO many times), hell on earth and heartbreaking.

Responsible -can you afford and take care of a baby on your own without depending on him since his help would be sparatic to say the least.

I think you are also the 'friend' who posted, you started to reply to someone else using that ID, and then lied and said she was a friend. There was no need to do that.

I also think you are very misguided about 'rights' just because a lot of single mothers get gov't benefits. Those benefits are paid for by TAXPAYERS, and they have rights too. They have the right to say enough is enough. Benefits are supposed to be for widows and those whose birth control didn't work, and women who have been abandoned, not by 35 year olds who just think they want a baby now and everyone else should support her financially.
Judging? You bet.

Don't be so sensitive. As you see passion run high on this subject both from experience and knowledge. Most of us have read of other posters who like yourself got into these situations and they turned horrible really fast.

I can tell you that a ticking biological clock can influence decisions greatly and not for the good. Yes it's good you asked others for perspective and input, but take some time to digest this input as sometimes we want things so badly we overlook many red flags getting it.

The biggest red flag is you already know he has a child and still wants to keep his fun when he wants it, and adding another child to the mix with just his word and no deep commitments to you is unacceptable, clock ticking or not. Another red flag is the very foolish notion he is your best and last chance and we all feel you can do better.

My experience suggests that life changing decisions made under these conditions produce a life time of regrets. I mean babies are cute but being a single poor mom of a 15 year old may not be the life you want and is that in the best interest of your child?

Having babies isn't a right, it's a function we humans were made for to multiply. But humans can make choices, and they don't have to be bad ones, they just are some times.

Clock or NOT, don't have a child until YOU are right with it, and tell this immature bum to F****k off with his ultimatum, and BS conditions he would place on you. You can do better than him I hope.

Did I miss your answer to how long you two have been dating?

He has mental problems and you want to have a baby with him? You know there's a chance that these issues he has will pass on to your child. Maybe I'm old fashioned but if he wants a commitment from you so bad why doesn't he put a ring on it first and then try for the baby. I truly believe having a baby to save a relationship is a recipe for disaster. If you are really concerned about having a chid before you're too old, spend a couple extra dollars to buy some Ivy League sperm and ditch the boy with the mental problems and ultimatums.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't be so sensitive. As you see passion run high on this subject both from experience and knowledge. Most of us have read of other posters who like yourself got into these situations and they turned horrible really fast.

I can tell you that a ticking biological clock can influence decisions greatly and not for the good. Yes it's good you asked others for perspective and input, but take some time to digest this input as sometimes we want things so badly we overlook many red flags getting it.

The biggest red flag is you already know he has a child and still wants to keep his fun when he wants it, and adding another child to the mix with just his word and no deep commitments to you is unacceptable, clock ticking or not. Another red flag is the very foolish notion he is your best and last chance and we all feel you can do better.

Did I miss your answer to how long you two have been dating?

We have been dating for 2 years. I'm glad I have had this conversation with you all and asked questions: today I spoke to him and asked him how he would support us if his not working. I explained I need someone who will put us before doing his own thing... I said about the ultimatum he had given me. He had not thought about the issues I've been discussing with u lot. Its not a good time, you are right, I've just left uni, so I am going to see if I can progress my career some more. At 35 I do feel that my body clock is ticking, but I'm glad I've spoke to you and not just done it. I'm going to try and better myself now, and if I don't have a child at least I can help my friends with their kids, who I treat like they are mine anyway

Quote:

Originally Posted by laurabarton30

We have been dating for 2 years. I'm glad I have had this conversation with you all and asked questions: today I spoke to him and asked him how he would support us if his not working. I explained I need someone who will put us before doing his own thing..... I said about the ultimatum he had given me. He had not thought about the issues I've been discussing with u lot. Its not a good time, you are right, I've just left uni, so I am going to see if I can progress my career some more. At 35 I do feel that my body clock is ticking, but I'm glad I've spoke to you and not just done it. I'm going to try and better myself now, and if I don't have a child at least I can help my friends with their kids, who I treat like they are mine anyway

I am so happy you feel that way.

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I also think you are very misguided about 'rights' just because a lot of single mothers get gov't benefits. Those benefits are paid for by TAXPAYERS, and they have rights too. They have the right to say enough is enough. Benefits are supposed to be for widows and those whose birth control didn't work, and women who have been abandoned, not by 35 year olds who just think they want a baby now and everyone else should support her financially.
Judging? You bet.

I've worked hard all my life and paid tax. I've never claimed benefits. I can think I wantt a baby if I like, and I can ask peoples advice also but I have not acted on it and I don't intend to. You don't know me at all, so you can keep our narrow minded judgements to yourself thank you very much, unless you are without sin. It sounds to me like you have personal issues and our trying to vent them out on me... I'm not to blame for people who don't work, claim benefits and pop loads of kids out... I own my own place, which I've worked hard for and I pay my taxes, my whole family work hard and pay there taxes, you are judgemental and form assumptions based on YOUR issues, do not bring them onto this forum because they don't help any body

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

people who don't work, claim benefits and pop loads of kids out

But that's what you will be doing if you have a child/children with this man.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

But that's what you will be doing if you have a child/children with this man.

I'm not having a kid with him. I wanted advice, and its made me think about these issues, so I could way it all up, and I've decided not to do it... I don't want a life of benefits. Talking to u lot was good because I had many things to think about I had not thought of... I do not take any dissision in life lightly, especially one this important, so I won't have a kid with him. But I've spoke to him about it, if he wants to 'go find someone else' that's up to him

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

I'm not having a kid with him.

*standing ovation for you*

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Originally Posted by wondergirl

*standing ovation for you*

100%

Negatives are not for opinions on this site!
I have my opinion about all women who think the rest of us should pay for their indulgence.
I also have opinions about people who start new IDs to change their stories.
But I am glad you made a decision.
I couldn't care less what you think about me personally.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Negatives are not for opinions on this site!

She blessed me with a negative too -- also for expressing my opinion. We should start a club.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Negatives are not for opinions on this site!
I have my opinion about all women who think the rest of us should pay for their indulgence.

I could care less what you think about me personally.

you are tar ING me with that brush and I'm just saying you are wrong. I am a tax payer. I didn't even think about sitting at home claiming benefits when I asked the question. I would get 39 weeks maturnity care from my job, but I was asking peoples advice on this matter. You can't judge me for that . All I am saying is you are seeing me as a benift sponge on society, and that I am not so you need to be more informed before making judgements on my situation, that I emphasis is not as a benefit thief, but as someone who is finding answers to questions

It was YOU that informed us of your needing to quit your job, and raise your child, with a fellow that would only be available for part time daddy duty and was on benefits himself and had another child.

You may have all the rights in the world to have a child, but clearly the finances would have to be supplemented no matter how hard you would be willing to work. That's not a judgment, its an honest evaluation of facts that YOU provided, so don't get defensive as it would be the same conclusion for anyone in the same circumstance. Hurt feelings won't change that.

Most good decisions are made from honest evaluations of the facts. I hope at least you recognize that's what we have tried to do and sorry for the hurt feelings, and thanks for your own honesty. That did take courage.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

It was YOU that informed us of your needing to quit your job, and raise your child, with a fellow that would only be available for part time daddy duty and was on benefits himself and had another child.

You may have all the rights in the world to have a child, but clearly the finances would have to be supplemented no matter how hard you would be willing to work. That's not a judgment, its an honest evaluation of facts that YOU provided, so don't get defensive as it would be the same conclusion for anyone in the same circumstance. Hurt feelings won't change that.

Yes but there are a lot of assumptions here. I wouldn't claim benefits. If it came to that my mum would look after baby while I am at work, she has already said she would love to do that. But anyway, I'm not having one because many good points have been raised. I never said I would claim benefits, it was just assumed I would. And that is what is annoying, I do see people rinse this country by doing that and that life style was never one I was thinking about. I was only ever asking peoples advice on here. What's the point in living in poverty... none.

Sometime poverty isn't a choice, and can happen to anyone.

Yes I know. But to choose it would be un wize

Agreed!

Laura, just wondering, do you live in the UK ? No other reason then out of curiousity.

Tick

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Originally Posted by tickle

Laura, just wondering, do you live in the UK ? No other reason then out of curiousity.

tick

Yes I do

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"I would have to give up my job because I would be the full time carer. I dont no how I would be able to support myself and the baby."

We only go by what you say. I was slanted too much toward the 'sponge' part off the taxpayer, when what I really didn't stress were the long, long, years of being responsible for a child all by yourself. We see the regret and difficulties here day in and day out, as men disappear and mothers can't help out any more, friends too, if they are off on holidays and jobs and marriage, with all the sharing of expenses and work and enjoyment. Homes are lost because of the expense of owning, and public housing is awful. And last but not least, the dear infant who loves you unconditionally wears off so fast, eats you out of house and home, and resents you for not buying him or her nice clothes and an iPod.