actually... she approached me! Lol :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
|
actually... she approached me! Lol :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
But if I called her up this afternoon, I betcha that is what she would tell me, that she spent her time with only one guy (you) and didn't have a chance to sow her wild oats and date around to find out who she is and what kinds of guys are out there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
I know now that I was dependent - and it'll never happen again as long as I remember this whole ordeal! As for my words and actions being different... in what way? I'm meaning disengaging in the way I act towards her? She no longer has me chasing her or contacting her, and there is a feeling if indifference about that which is helping me heal a bit. That's all I meant.Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
Wondergirl, you might be right! But it seems a bit odd then to go straight into another relationship that she started before she left me? But if so, does that mean she is trying to recapture her lost youth? If so, that's kind of what GIGS theory is about and sounds more like a phase to me?
Tennis awaits me so I must leave. You sound like a decent guy so use that on someone that deseves it.
She's too old for phases. Stop trying to justify her disappearance from your life. You've heard the old saw, "The grass is greener...."?Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
That's what GIGS is = Grass is Greener Syndrome! (I didn't make it up lol) but from what I know about this guy, it isn't greener! (I won't slate the guy though as I don't know a lot about him, and it was her I trusted). I'm getting a bit mixed up here though, she is too old for phases... yet wants to be young again and re-live her lost youth? These are the mad things that I just cannot seem to get the answers to and I have tortured myself over them constantly since this happened - not so much now though thankfully! I suppose there's only one person that can give a proper answer and so far she's only offered the usual clichés and no real reasons.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Apparently she thinks so..Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Now she is too old for phases and may even regret her lost years spent with you.Quote:
she is too old for phases... yet wants to be young again and re-live her lost youth?
She doesn't owe you any explanations or reasons. What is, is.
I would put money on her never returning to you, even if she breaks up with the current guy.
Awesome! After all that time? Commitment is non existent and I don't even deserve an answer? I suppose I should be regretting my lost years too since they seem to count for absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just wired differently or something, but you don't treat people like this... and especially not the ones you are supposed to love? But I appreciate your honest assessment, it's what I've heard more than any other opinion so not surprised that you see it that way too. Thank you xQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Nope. You have your answer in what she has done and how she has done it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
That's your problem, not hers.Quote:
I suppose I should be regretting my lost years too since they seem to count for absolutely nothing?
Sh** happens and people aren't necessarily kind, even to those they supposedly love.Quote:
Maybe I'm just wired differently or something, but you don't treat people like this... and especially not the ones you are supposed to love?
After a relationship has ended. There's usually no going back into it later. Too much water has gone under the bridge by then. I've been on this site since 2007 and responding to myriads of Relationship board questions, and have seen only two instances of couples that got back together -- and the reunion didn't last very long ("What were we THINKING?!").Quote:
But I appreciate your honest assessment, it's what I've heard more than any other opinion so not surprised that you see it that way too. Thank you x
Some fair points there but I suppose it's just my nature - I feel like I've been decent and genuine and loving from day one (despite my flaws which I acknowledge and have worked on) and to me, this is undeserved and unjust. I take your point though that some people are just $hit - but if that applied to her then I wouldn't have put in half as much as I did into our relationship. It's so sudden and it has blindsided me and left me in shock (maybe that's coming across as stubborn but its more from a total lack of understanding, especially looking at what she is giving up and what she is getting - without blowing my trumpet too much!) and yet still... I'm the one that was chasing where it should be easy for me to say good riddance! It's just all messed up and none if it is right!
As for there being no going back... I've slept on this and my experience of relationships is different. Albeit my examples are very concentrated to close family and friends, and the dynamics of some of the relationships differ (we don't have kids together being the obvious one) but I can easily call to mind 10 couples that have gone through similar and reconciled - and that's just people I know! Everyone has a different take on this but your position is the most common one. I'm not comparing us to these other couples and perhaps I am extracting some hope that it does happen... but I know that chasing and begging and moping and pining is not helping anyone! I know you list a lot of points that all indicate she has gone and doesn't give a toss about me anymore, but I have heard differently - although her actions to date do back up your position wondergirl! I know it doesn't sound like it, but she honestly is the most amazing woman on earth, and when you can see past the illness, the attitude, the drinking, the new friends, the new guy, she is still somewhere in there and she is worth fighting for (metaphorically - i.e. fighting with myself and this inner turmoil!) which I know could only prolong my agony before I end up finally accepting my fate! But there are things that have been pointed out to me that have allowed me to take her off the pedestal a wee bit and allowed me to feel more equal and gain back some power... I'm still crazy in love with her but I'm keeping my distance and pouring my heart out on here instead - hope you all don't mind too much?
Obviously your shock hasn't worn off, but it will and the brain will accept the situation despite the heart hollering not to. Rant on, this is the place and you are reacting no different than most of us in the past.
Just food for thought though, divorces happen everyday after all that marriage and commitment meet reality. At least you aren't in court splitting up ASSETS, and only have to count the NC days until the emotional dust settles, after the shock wears off.
I know things could have been a lot worse and people go through worse every single day, and if this wasn't so all consuming I'd be telling myself to pull it together! But my life as I knew it has stopped (the dependency thing... ) and I want to feel "normal" in myself again. I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and "win" her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again! Mind you, she can't see me from 60+ miles away, can she? :(
I'm getting the feeling you are really enjoying this "misery" and have absolutely no intention of trying to get past it.
I have hesitated posting on your thread due to the other experts offering up their advice. I realize my own advice pales in comparison to theirs!Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
First, I must say that I sympathize with how you feel, the emotions you have and the dedication to trying to right an already sunken ship. Just from reading your posts, you seem like a very put together and well composed individual. I went through the heartbreak saga myself, as did most everyone else on this board. No amount of comforting or assurance on our part can change the way you feel right now.
All I can say is hang in there. I agree with the fact that you should work on you. Do that for you, not for her, even if you have to fool yourself otherwise for the time being. It will take much time, much healing, and much more sympathizing from others around you and on here before you notice a change. Trust me, you'll notice a change and you will begin to live a normal life again. One you can be truly happy with, regardless of whether she is in it or not. Good luck! I enjoy reading your journey through this and will really enjoy when the sadness turns to happiness.
Talk about Nancy Negative. "But my life as i knew it has stopped" Boo and a Hoo. Your life has stopped because you stopped it. These are conscious choices and decisions that you are making. Just as you decided to stop your life, you can choose to unstop your life and move your life forward.
I don't care what happens, you will never catch me making negative nancy statements ever. Given the choice to have a good day versus a bad day, I choose to have a good day every single day. Because having a good day is the only way to go for me.
Is this a serious observation?Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Oh heck yes, from more than just Wondergirl.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
How can anyone enjoy this? Am I missing something?Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
Absolutely! And I gave Oliver a greenie for saying pretty much the same thing soon after I posted this. You are thoroughly enjoying wallowing in your misery.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
We're already at almost 60 posts and you aren't even trying to heal, but are still bemoaning your fate and wondering how to get her back. SHE IS GONE!
Many people seek attention from many different ways. Some people feed off negative things and actions. It is just the way it is with some people.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Sorry, I'm not following this! I am healing - you should have seen/heard me 3 months ago! Thriving and enjoying feeling utterly devastated and discarded is a new one on me! And OK, 60 comments later but there are other people offering their opinions, which don't necessarily match yours and they are just as relevant as both of yours. I mean no disrespect, but to suggest I am enjoying this is way off the mark!
Relax, and expect to be challenged. A bit of anger is good in the first stages of NO CONTACT. Makes you hit the gym, or something strenuous. :D
I'm just chewing around on this --Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
"I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and 'win' her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again!"
I've said all I can say. I know what I've told you works and it works well. It is your choice to use it or not. It is my choice to be a positive person and to have good days despite what anyone does. If you choose to have bad days well then have bad days.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Thank you tiger - I am having days where I feel like I'm over the worst of it and I can actually enjoy myself, even although the thought of her is still with me, but I can't seem to string a few days together like that just now, it's very up and down! I am determined though to never be in this position again and will continue to work on myself, physically as well! I know attraction faded! I hope the outcome I want does happen but even if it doesn't, I still want to see the back of this hell as soon as possible!
... on the subject of n/c - I know it's a tool to allow me to sort myself out without setting myself back, and I removed myself off Facebook to help me heal. As I've gotten stronger emotionally this past week, I added myself back on and have been very busy socially through it as in people looking to catch up and chat. However, a lot of these people are mutual friends. Now it was suggested to me previously on another site that whilst in n/c, this will also allow her time to miss me - and to feel my lack of presence? It seems to have gone that way a little (albeit she isn't breaking the door down or asking to talk to me!) but I'm just wondering if being in contact with mutual friends sort of dilutes n/c? Not that we are passing messages to each other through friends, but is there still a "lack of presence" where she can see my activities (which - lets face it - on Facebook, are deliberately positive all the time!)?
I know for me when I did the whole "NC" thing I made it a point to only talk to those friends who weren't considered mutual, or at least those friends who didn't talk to her on any regular basis. Seeing the truly mutual friends just makes it awkward and drags up memories that frankly you don't want. Just to make a point, going no contact isn't about making her miss you, which is a common misconception. It is about healing and learning to make decisions not based on emotions but on facts, reality, and a healthy perspective of living a life you enjoy. I'm all for being social, and you should definitely take advantage of every opportunity you have, no matter how much you don't feel like it at times.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
I mean this with all honesty and sincerity, if a girl chose another guy over me, then I swear I don't care how much "feelings" I had for her, it is over. There is no going back in my book. I refuse to be a backup plan, and you shouldn't allow yourself this option either. I don't think anyone should. There is a lot of tough love in this thread, and that is understandable. It isn't to demean you or make your feelings unjustifiable. The ultimate goal is to seize the power you have to get up off your butt and refuse defeat... to realize your own self worth, which is obviously much higher than being there for someone who chose another guy over you.
It's incredible how up and down this makes me feel - good night last night but all of today has been gut-wrenchingly painful - for no apparent reason? I've caved in and left a v/mail for her telling her there is more mail in for her and other things to be collected from the house! This is the most defeatist and helpless I've felt in weeks and I don't understand why when it seemed to be going calmly enough the past 2 weeks? My emotions are so volatile and I'm not used to that. I instantly regretted contacting her! I'm going to try and not let it wipe out how far I've come and I think I'd have had to contact her to sort it soon anyway but I'm going to be hard on myself now and take Facebook out of the picture for another month or so and this time I will keep away from mutual friends and become a hermit lol - that way I can't make things any more bloody difficult on myself - I suppose it comes back to the original question - she cheated so why am I the one interested in trying to save us? I've never felt angry toward her and I haven't said a bad word against her, but this second I am feeling the anger overtake my hurt and I'm no longer prepared to be her victim - but I don't want to do anything stupid to make the situation even worse!
Our whole lives are spent dealing with reality and what it throws at us, and coping with our own feelings, hopefully in positive ways as you learn and grow. Maybe this is new to you, but it will be repeated several times in your life until your experience and self awareness gets to a higher level.
For now you live through the growing pains. Some learn quicker than others, and seem to deal with the roller coaster of life better, but it never gets easier, you handle it better as you go. You will get there, and be better for it.
Thanks talaniman - I just don't want to set myself back further! And I don't want to wreck whatever pathetically slim chances there are of reconciliation because I can't keep on top of my feelings! Thank you for your comments - I suppose I haven't done anything catastrophic and all I've done is have a bit of a wobble! I thought it was too good to be true and was finding it a breeze... need to take a deep breath and try to get emotions under wraps a bit better - more work needed!
I always thinks it's not the day to day fall downs that matter. It's the long term. I've been in n/c relationships, trying to heal, and then decided to call for whatever reason - and had to start all over again.
And so that's what I did - I started all over again. Forgave myself and started over.
thanks for that judy - I suppose at least this time I was a bit more composed but still - shouldn't have wasted my energy on it and am kicking myself for it! Ach I'm just kidding myself folks... it doesn't matter what I do - it doesn't bring her back to me! She doesn't care because she's moved on and has other things to think about - its just me that's stuck back here facing the memories every day and going through this pain! I seriously hope this never happens to her - and I'm feeling at this point that I would rather go through this pain than be responsible for inflicting it on someone else (not to be confused with enjoying it! ) my eyes have been open as to just how people can actually be - I've been so naïve! The first 2 months I've been denying that any of this has been voluntary on her part but now when you look at it... reality bites!Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
You need to cut yourself some slack, be kinder to yourself.
If a friend came to you and said exactly what you are saying you'd tell the friend to forgive himself/herself.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, doing what humans do.
Thank you Judy, you say you've been in n/c relationships? How did that turn out for you if you don't mind me asking?Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
No problem - it was a lengthy, painful process. There were times when I considered breaking my own fingers to keep me from texting, calling, writing. As you say, it hurt like h*ll - and then one day I realized he'd done me a favor. The relationship would have gone on and on, back and forth, if he hadn't REALLY made a fatal "mistake."
Some time later I ran into him. He was interested. I no longer was and I had a "what was I thinking?" moment.
I don't know if I changed... or he did.
Ok - after my capitulation yesterday, I've been confronted by frank, honest advice from friends and family! ACCEPTANCE! Is difficult - and yes, I have been incredibly stubborn! Constantly thinking she is wrong and I'm right and I WILL fix something that she doesn't want to fix - and the reasons she has for this she will not share with me! I have to accept that this has all happened to me and, yes it is $hitty, and yea it is unjust and hurts like hell, but people sometimes do these kinds of things and it happens to millions of people all over the world! My ideals and perception of people will have to change - I always thought good deserves good... but there are answers that I must accept that I'll never get! Now I'm trying to turn this on its head - instead of forcing myself to believe she is coming back and having anxiety attacks when I feel the inevitable getting closer, I must choose ACCEPTANCE that there is no going back and remind myself that, for all the mistakes I've made, it is her that has decided to put me through this - and made me feel like this for whatever reason - and that there is no true hope of her coming back into my arms based on ANYTHING I do or say - and I must learn to control my emotions and not allow false hopes to come to the surface any longer because they are holding me in this purgatory... and I've let them! I cannot choose to simply have good days and this road is going to be hellish and I am fighting tears as I write this - but it can't get any worse than the road I've been on to this point of "realisation". I now understand the tough love on here! Please help me through this someone - I pray every night for strength, guidance, and hope that she will come back to me - that last part is going to have to change I suppose! I will admit that I am terrified that I am turning my back on the real love of my life when it could perhaps all be a huge mistake, but I have to ACCEPT that it might not be, and that it is her decision anyway and I'm powerless to change it! I feel so sad but I think this is the right path?
It is possible that she decided to move on because you tend to wrap around one subject for a very long time without letting it go or moving it forward. If you treat every action/reaction/thought/behavior/decision like you have treated this one, then I can see how painful it would be for her or how she might want to move away from you. You can tell us you don't, but based on what I've seen and read I probably wouldn't believe you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Sometimes crappy things happen to good and bad people. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on. Honestly dude you would be a tough one to hang around if this is how you react to everything. And I am guessing it is. I would honestly hate to be stuck on any one thing or multiple things for that matter.
I wouldn't say so Oliver - this is a pretty big, life changing event for me - I maybe analyse and fixate on things a bit much but from what I understand my reactions to all this, albeit protracted, are fairly common and to be expected. On the other hand, if I had no emotions and decided just to deflect and deny my feelings then I think I'd be in a worse place - it might have taken some time, but I have to say, I don't think I'd be able to hang around someone with so little empathy or understanding such as yourself? Maybe our personalities clash but don't worry, I won't be having the same trouble getting over you! ;) She stood by me for 7 and a half years so I can't be all that bad pal!
Oliver has neatly summed up the situation -- you chew and rechew and re-rechew.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Move forward and stop spinning your wheels.
My thinking? It never hurts to hope, perhaps even pray (although this is not a religious board) for what we hope will happen, for what we think we need. You also have to be realistic.
Keep walking forward, keep hoping, maybe even keep the door open - but remain realistic. Chances are she is not coming back.
Question - if she calls tomorrow, all apologies, wants to come back - would you take her back? With me, my partner cheated, I could almost accept the cheating. I couldn't get past the lying.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:17 AM. |