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I didn't call her, as drunk as I was I still wasn't prepared to hear what she might have had to say...
Sorry to scare you all like that!
brucealmighty thanks heaps for your advice, its good to hear from someone going through the same thing, and the way you describe everything is exactly how I feel...
So thanks guys...
Probably she is also confused & keeps thinking of you so she just thought she would text you to see how your doing.. I do it ALOT:) GOOD LUCK
Tell me your story, did it help to be in contact, or make things worse?Quote:
Originally Posted by cutos
I can't speak for cutos but I can almost guarantee you that it will make it worse. I can tell you my story if you like.
After 7 years she broke up with me. I begged, pleaded, cried everything. Nothing works. Being in contact only pushed her further away. The more I tried, the more I contacted her, the more I reached out the further away she got. Until one day she was completely gone and I was left with absolutely nothing but wishing I had of cut contact and began to heal a helluva a lot earlier.
You will only do the same. Im not saying you will never talk to her again, but right now it will only do you harm. She isn't going anywhere. She won't forget you. Just leave it be for a while until you are in control of your emotions!
Ahh, I remember going through those same thoughts Skell. The last time I was in contact with my ex, I felt like my happiness depended on her, on listening to her, knowing how she was.
I decided (stupidly) to try to be her friend, even though she was already seeing somebody else, hoping that she would eventually see for herself that I was the one that she really loved. (how naïve of me).
But after 2 days, I felt as if I was the day-friend and she only contacted me, or talked to me when she wasn't with her current boyfriend. I invited to her to lunch, hang out after work and she always found an excuse not to do it.
I then figured that if I kept that pace, she would eventually start showing more limits and then ultimately push me away completely. Or maybe her boyfriend would tell her to choose, me or him, and obviously she would be choose him. So I said, what's the point? Why not start healing now instead of running blindly against the wall and smashing into a million pieces?
Most of the times we know the answer, we just don't have to strength to carry them out.
And finally, I want to share some things I've learned in this journey:
"pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"
"we always like to think that we're gonna be the exception, but in reality we should treat things as if they're not"
Quote:
Originally Posted by brucealmighty
So true...
Good to have you here bruce. With wisdom such as yours I'm sure you can be of great help to many that come here needing it!
Stay on your path where did I go wrong. It will get better. Avoid too much drink too. It doesn't help. Been there done that!
If you think that she is this malicious, ask her what she hopes to achieve. If you still think that she is gloating then tell her, thanks that she left you because you are well rid of her and that you pity her next partner and tell her you are moving on with your life. Trust me, if this how it is to be then you will move on when the time is right, you will find someone that to you is beautiful, someone whose beauty comes from inside. I wish you all the happiness, you have to live through sadness to appreciate real happiness. You will be fine smile, rise above it, today is the beginning of the rest of your life x
Aaahhhhhhh
I just got home from a night out, not a huge one, just me and my mate went to a pub, had a couple of beers and a good laugh. On my way home I was feeling great, thinking I'm having fun without 'her', this is getting easier after all...
Famous last words...
I get home and log on to my email and there it is, in my inbox.. "becks movements" an email from the ex...
I haven't read it, I don't want to, but there's also something stopping me from deleting it... I'm so curious, I want to know what happening, even though I'm 100% sure its going to make me feel worse...
I think I know what its about, its one of those emails you send to all your friends to say that 'im doing something cool'. I knew she was moving, I just didn't want to know about it, not now! I know your all going to say delete it, I guess I'm just venting... gees, why does she feel the need to 'update' me, why would someone be so heartless and after breaking up with someone, send them an email saying that they've moved on and their life is looking rosy.. .
Aahhhhh... I was having a good night... now my heads full of thoughts again...
Yea, but there's no way he's going to get her back right now. There's just no way, OK she misses him, SO. Didn't she break up with HIM?Quote:
Originally Posted by louie1
NO CONTACT. She doesn't deserve his love, he already begged, its about time she reaped the consequenses of her actions.
Spoken with true logic.Quote:
Originally Posted by where did i go wrong
See how taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture benefits you in the end?
That's what I'm talking about!
Let her emotions tear her apart, as you have everything under control.:cool:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solid357
Naaaaaaaaaa, he doesn't need to do that, alls he needs to do is sit back and relax, its no point in MAKING a situation how you want it to be, just let it unfold naturally, she'll come back.
Watch.
Look everybody, it's the right thing to do, OK? You want to hear it from me? Yea, she broke it off with me, I cried, I tried, I begged, I pleaded, you know what she said to me!
WHY can't YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!
Shocked tha hell out of me, also made me think.
I loved this girl unconditionally, never cheated on her, didn't even cross my mind she was cheating on me.
Then she started crying, this was before I found out she was cheating on me.
This was in the beginning when SHE asked for the break.
You see, SHE wanted the break in the 1st place, so me trying to stay thinking we can make it, BLINDED by my love for tha slut, I kept trying to get her back. But she never accepted me. Never openend back up to me.
So, what you need to understand is that it DOES NOT WORK.
You can keep trying to get them back, nothing will change.
That's why you can't do anything but wait it out, NO CONTACT.
I did it, come to find out it didn't matter anyway, found out she was cheating, gave me the upper hand, and dropped her like a sack of rocks.
So you see, NO CONTACT is the only way you can really know for sure if she loves you or not.
If I didn't use the NO CONTACT clause, I probably would be in a worse position then I am today.
I don't know, what do you guys think?
Do nothing absolutely nothing. Don't read this email until you.ve had a chance to calm down and get some rest. Read it then delete it. Don't answer it.Quote:
aahhhhh... I was having a good night... now my heads full of thoughts again...
Lets be clear, No contact is the time you take to heal your feelings and emotions, so you can see things clearly and make better decisions, base on facts and not emotions, and not to get someone back in your life. Once someone dumps you and you try to get your act together it is of no consequence to you what their motives or feelings are, and you have a right to get your head together, whether they agree or not. Don't put yourself second in this situation, and do what you need to do for you. At this point it doesn't matter what they want, do what you need for you!!
Yea uhh but guys, he still loves the girl. I say this is the best decision if he does, ultimatley want her back, she may realize what she is doing and come back to her senses, but she may also just do the same thing and just not talk to him again, we don't know, what we do know is that, she's contacting him after SHE wanted the break.
There's no reason for him to confront her right now, it'll only get worse. I strongly suggest you let everything that concerns her go until she comes running back to you Begging for YOU back.
Wow Decisions decisions. She continues email and has escalated her behavior. How abouttis Check raise, check raise, check raise again, She is all in now. Does he go for it or fol? Hmmmm what are his cards? She wants a reaction? She want to get back together? Hmmmm How about this he sends an email and says hey listen what do you want from me you broke it off with me now you want to be all cool and salve your conscious with friendliness? I have not read your email and not sure I will. Best wiahes John doe. Wow all in on his part. Does she respond? Does she think WTFis this guy crazy? My point is either fold your cards or keep playing you don't hold much of hand right now thoough.
Hmm...
Agree with every thing but this partQuote:
There's no reason for him to confront her right now, it'll only get worse. I strongly suggest you let everything that concerns her go there's no reason for him to confront her right now, it'll only get worse. I strongly suggest you let everything that concerns her go until she comes running back to you Begging for YOU back.
Wait until he is healthy enough to deal with this based on facts and not confused feelingsQuote:
until she comes running back to you Begging for YOU back.
And why not? Its only fair that she comes running back to HIM, I mean this guy put his feelings out there for her and she just blows him off.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Why shouldn't she come running back? He begged for her right?
Its only fair.
"alls fair in love and war"
An emotional response as this will do his healing absolutely no good and serves no purpose in the process of healing. The purpose is to get healthy, not even. I never recommend revenge as a way to heal.Quote:
Originally Posted by alizeblu
What? This is not revenge,"hes trying to get the girl back". What I recommended was the best decision to do this.
I believe this was more logical Than emotional.
We recommend he has no contact in order to allow himself to heal overtime.
This is also a way to get her back if she DOES still love him.
As that speaks for itself: "she will come running back".
Though other have said this, and think that's the way it works, you've never heard me say that is what no contact is about, and reread what I've posted here, and you'll see that I never say it's a way to get someone back. I will not advocate no false hope, as nobody can predict the future and whether some one comes back or not, you still must heal to make healthier choices.
How often have you seen me say "Get a life that you enjoy without them"??
This is ture, but we need to ask ourselves why is he here in the 1st place?
No one said it was going to be definite that he would get her back, we are just giving him advice so he can take the best steps in order to move on, and if getting her back is his consolation for doing the no contact clasue then more power to him.
Tal is spot on here. Sorry guys but I think Solid and alizeblu are off the mark here.
As Tal said wait until you have calmed a little before reading it. I'm sure by now you have sobered up a little and it might not be too bad. Or alternatively just delete without reading it.
What I would do though to avoid this from happening in the future is block her emails.
Its all right for her. She is fine with everything that has happened and going on with life as normal. Not thinking of the consequences of sending you this email or perhaps even knowing it will tear you up and sending it anyway with that knowledge.
You know the best thing to do where did I go wrong. You don't need to know the contents of that email right now if at all.
And NC is not about getting someone back. Anyone who uses it for that will be bitterly disappointed. Even if they do get back with the ex things will just fail again because nothing has changed.
You guys just don't get it!
Wow, this was a bigger response than I expected...
Thank you all for your opinions and advice...
I just want to get 1 thing straight... she is not coming back to me! I know that, I am no longer holding onto ANY hope, it is OVER. I'm even starting to enjoy myself without her in my life, a little bit...
And don't say "u never loved her" I loved her more than anything in the world, but in the end she didn't love me, and she hurt me by leaving. Do I still love her now, I don't know, all I'm saying is I am moving on, I have to, thers no choice...
I only wanted to find out what you guys thought about her email. I still haven't read it, but I'm damn sure its saying something like "im moving interstate to start my new job/life and i can't wait"... and I'm sure it wasn't just sent to me, but to her whole list.
The reason I don't want to read it is because I don't want to know that her life without me is better than with me... im sure that's a natural reaction...
But...
The reason I think I should read it is to prepare myself for the inevitable discussion with mutual frinds saying "so waht do u think about beck blah blah blah.." I'm not sure I want to be put into a situation where its just lumped on me and I have to deal with it there and then and in front of people...
Just for the record I think you are handling it great and I certainly can see that you love / loved her and for the most part it was a great relationship. It is sad that it has ended and you will feel pain for a while. Anyway we have gone over that. And I also wasn't implying that you think she is coming back to you. My post wasn't aimed at you but rather the posts previous to that which I think were off the mark when it comes to you and your situation. It wasn't aimed at you.
I think this thread got a little off track in the middle there with Solid and alizeblu who may not be entirely up with what is happening here.
You have handled things great!
Don't worry about those inevitable questions from mutual friends.
Your response is this "oh i havent had time to even look at that email. I have been so flat out that i completely forgot it was in my inbox. Anyway, i dont really care anyway because beck is in the past now and i am moving on so im not really concerned with what she is up to. Im sure she's going fine, just like me"
If I can I would like to nip it in the bud here before you come asking how to deal with it because I know from my own experience that mutual friends can cause some heart ache. It is best to make it completely clear to them that your really not at all interested in hearing about her latest escapades. Not because you still love her and it hurts but because you are moving on with your life and what she is doing really doesn't interest you.
So I read it... I couldn't help myself...
She's going to live and work in canada for a year...
I don't know why I'm so upset...
I feel like my life has just been frozen in time for the past month and she has zoomed ahead with these amazing plans without me, god it hurts...
I don't know what to do now
IYes you do. You keep on the path of healing. Stay with no contact and accept this is over. This is hardly a surprise as you told us she was moving, so nothing has changed, has it?Quote:
don't know what to do now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I get from the banter about No contact and getting an ex back is this...
There is NO WAY to get an ex back, all you can do is improve yourself. If an ex comes back, they come back on their own.
The issue has nothing to do with using NC to get an ex back - rather it's the fact that there doesn't exist a way to get an ex back. Nobody can make someone do something they don't feel.
So what it boils down to is this: Use NC to improve yourself. Whether they come back is not up to you, or your actions. That's life, you have no control over it. By using NC, if they come back, you should be healed to make a decision about reuniting or not, and if they don't come back, there won't be another blow beucase you will be over/getting over it...
Do I understand this?
Yes your getting there. No contact lets you get your emotions under control and you can see things much clearer. Once you find out who you are and what makes you happy you don't have to rush into a relationship with the expectations that are so unreasonable and don't depend on some one else to make you happy. You will know how to keep the balance in your life between the needs of others and your own. Heal and move on to other, better things and don't be stuck in the past. In time you will be able to handle all those feelings that are holding you down now.
Sorry, I totally misunderstood you, I read the first question that came up, I thought you wanted to know the answer as to why she text you, there is no reason why you should make it easier for her, you have to follow your feelings from inside, move on get on with your life if that is what you want if you are sure there is no turning back then that is the best thing to do. I wish you well and hope that your next relationship gives you so much happiness that it erases the pain from the last, everything happens for reason, maybe now is your time to find true happiness. Take care, love and peace anne x
Don't know if you have replied yet but waaswondering how you went did you get back together? Did you reply ? How did you go about this??
Look I get it cause I did it myself skell, and its common sense that NC is the best way to go.
You know what then, what's your advice to the guy when she wants him back?
What if a couple years from now when he's all healed up and ready to go, she comes back crying to him?
Now what?
Wait let me guess, slam the door in her face as if she didn't exist right?
You guys give good advice, I know because I've been there too, but your advice is flawed.
You tell them to move on and do better things with your life and enjoy being single, yet, you don't prepare him for the impossible, what if she DOES come back? And really willing to be with him? I believe it was, "expect the unexpected"... yea that's right. He said he loved her, so skell, tal, what's your advice to the guy now?
Because like you said skell, "we just dont get it" right?
So don't depend on someone to make you happy tal?
Yet, in relationships, its your significant other 1st, yourself second right? Cause I member someone telling me that in a healthy relationship going on 8 years.
It's a never ending cycle, then people wonder why everyone's coming on here with ultimatley the same problem, just dressed up in a different way.
Bottom line people make mistakes, you can either live with it, or learn from it.
But no, people can't live with it, because that'll just be another make believe fairytale, happly ever after correct?
So you tell him to move on and maybe you'll meet someone new after you get a full grasp of who you really are, which I believe they called it "healing" correct? Ultimatley learning from it.
I think the guys stronger then you give him credit for.
I never said that "you are going to get her back if you have NC". I never said that.
He said it was over, I'm just looking at it from both angles.
Its not revenge, its not getting her back and its not giving him false hope because obviously as of now its over.
Alls I'm saying is expect the unexpected, thus the phrase"until she comes running back to you".
We all know that you got to heal after you hurt yourself, common sense.
Your ranting is getting tiresome as if you think everyone is an idiot and you think you know the secret of life. Why not take a chill pill and learn something because the questions you ask can be answered, just ask in a way we can understand.
If in a couple of years when he is all healed up she comes back to him and they wish to try and again and he honestly feels that it would be different that time then I would not advise against him pursuing it.
I have know idea though what you were getting at / asking in the rest of your ramblings.
My apologies!!
Ok... as a woman let me put it this way... sometimes we do things in an impulse and do not realize the repurcussions... at that point in time when we are upset about someone we just write and send in an instance... but later the realization dawns upon us: " gosh i should have talked it over" and by then the other person is on the reverse.. in this case "you"... don't be... look at this way... if you like this girl and you feel she couldn't have done that to u.. then open the communication channel that she is willing to have at this point in time. There is NO harm in knowing why she did it... then the choice is still yours... trust me you will feel better... relationships are hard to make and easy to break... so give her a chance to explain herself... that is what I feel... prerogative to maintain NO CONTACT will still be yours buddy... u get my point?
I agree with that, but some women are also too damn stubborn to admit their mistake and instead they just run away, hence that fact she is moving to canada!!Quote:
Originally Posted by diya
I'm not going to play her games, she had her chance and she blew it, I'm healing myself now and starting to realise that I may just be better off without her. I can't live with someone that is going to make these extreme decisions on a whim, it is not something I could be comfortable with...
If she really wanted to contact me to re-open communication she could call me, she knows where I work, she knows where I live... sending a text and an email is not her re-opening the lines of communication, its her updating me because for some reason she probably feels obliged, probably out of her own guilt.
Alls I'm saying is if you guys thinks she wants back in, I think your wrong, if she did I would expect her make a better effort. If she doesn't make the effort then she's not worth it to me
u're right... you have your own answers then... and I am glad you're living up to them... simple the discussion ends here...
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