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Well, as has been said, your change of attitude and heart didn't last very long.
Apparently your girlfriend is the dominant person in your relationship - and you allow that to happen.
I think relationships are a bad place to be playing games. If she can't trust you to say what you really think in bed, where can she trust you?
Yes I agree it is bad to be playing games in a relationship. Do you think that she is playing games with me? Would I be just as bad as her if I retaliate it? Even if it would allow me to take the dominant role? If I bring this up in conversation and she is playing games with me she will know that it bothers me and she would feel empowered over me. Do I play along with her games or should I just ignore it and never let her know when I want sex and so she would have to come to me for it first? I'm so confused. I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship and I have only just realized that she is using sex against me! All this time I thought that there was something wrong because of the lack of sex, and then I learned to just live with it, but now I'm aware it's a power struggle thing I can't just let her use sex as a weapon when it should be for love. I would never use sex as a way of controlling her or making her feel bad like she is doing with me, I feel like she is tainting the beauty of sex. Any advice?Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
So, you think you should control everything in the relationship? What you have said is that you are the dominant person and she should be submissive to you because it isn't fair if she doesn't stay in her place. It taints the beauty of sex because you aren't the one making the decision. Is that really how you want to come across?Quote:
Originally Posted by 1102568
How about you treat her like an equal in all aspects of the relationship and expect her to do the same. Communicate with her. Work together.
I have a feeling that she is playing a game because you don't listen. Has she tried talking to you?
Cat said it better than I probably can - why does one of you have to be dominant in all aspects of your relatonship?
"She did it to me and so I'm going to do it to her" makes her look bad but makes you look worse.
I think if you both spent the time you are spending plotting to get even with one another on building the relationship you would both be a lot happier.
And if you don't want to be controlled and can't resolve your differences, get out!
No, you've both got it wrong. I don't want to control her. She gets me aroused ON PURPOSE, waits for me to make a move and then says she is tired and makes me feel rejected. The other day I got rejected and she sensed that for once I didn't care and I was just going to sleep and THEN she was all over me wanting sex. It seems that she likes me to feel rejected. I don't want to do this to her at all. I have learned to accept that I can't have sex when she doesn't want it and I would feel okay to go without it on the occasions when she is not up for it. But she knows that I would like to have sex more often and she acts all sexy, kisses me all over and plays with my penis till I'm hard and wanting it (I would be okay if she then got me to climax) and then she yawns and goes to sleep. It is just this horrible on-purpose torture that bothers me.
Why do you put up with her behavior? Why you are still in the relationship would be a bigger question in my mind than why she behaves in this way.
Is she the only female in town?
I think you like her treating you like a toy so you can pout over it. You don't seem to have the guts to get up leave and don't look back if indeed you think she is full of crap.
Don't cry about someone being unfair to you and you not doing something about it.
Why are you still with her? I think one of you ought to move out and see if your friendship is strong enough to have a normal dating relationship. I think you were each other's first and she is bored but is not mature enough to say she wants out and you are so hung up on her you will take her treating you like she really does not want to be with you.
Break up and be done with it.
You missed my point. You are so focused on sex that you don't want to think about the rest of the relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by 1102568
You say that you are the dominant person in the rest of the relationship. This is the only part where she plays dominance games, or is it?
You still do not seem to have given any thought to talking with her.
It all comes down to either talking to her and working out the issues, enjoy the games, or get out.
Venting might help, but if all you are doing is complaining to us instead of talking with her, you aren't going to get anything solved.
If you had not already taken a stand on Psychiatrists, which may or may not include all mental health professionals, I would suggest that you consult with one. There is some reason you stay with your girlfriend. Maybe you like being dominated in the bedroom. Maybe it's something else.
I think you should find out what the problem is and then do something about it.
He said earlier that she will not talk about it so he lets it go. I don't think either of them want to admit that their first (sexual) relationship has gone or will go unless they do talk.
The strange thing is, the relationship is 'perfect' otherwise. We are each others best friend and we are both very happy. She says that she would like to get married one day and have kids etc, and I feel the same way. I have had a few girlfriends in the past and they were nothing compared to the happiness I get being with her, but of course I was a lot younger back then and I was never in a sexual relationship like I am now. We love each other unconditionally and we can talk about anything (except for this). I really think that she is happy with me and I don't see why I would give up on an otherwise perfect relationship. We really do need to talk I know, and I want to, but the situation is as Homegirl 50 said, she just won't talk about it and it's frustrating. I'm going to act that sex is less of a priority to me and go a while without bringing it up/coming onto her for a while and see what happens, maybe she believes that I'm sex-mad? (I do really enjoy it).
You should not have to pretend anything just because she does not want to talk about it. You two could be best friends but that does not mean you are compatible as a couple. A reasonable amount of sex is important to you and it does not seem to be important to her. The fact that she won't even talk about it and plays with you sexually is problematic.
The relationship is not perfect and wonderful because you two have this problem and until she wants to discuss it like two adults in a relationship, it's going to remain a problem.
OR... I'm just not very good at it. I do have the ability to get her to climax, but this is only occasionally even with G spot stimulation with my hands, she gets 'almost' there right on the edge of climax until my forearm is in unbearable pain and I have to admit defeat. She never masturbated and still does not do so and maybe the lack of practice herself could be the reason why. I believe that if it isn't because of my performance maybe it's that she doesn't know how to relax and enjoy it, I don't know.
Maybe she is just not as sexual as you, maybe she is not turned on by you, but you won't know if she will not discuss it with you. This is what mature couples do, they discuss the concerns of each other and try to work through them. She should not have to pretend and be different for you and you should not have to do it for her.
I say you two live in your own space and just be friends, see how that goes. I certainly could it be married to someone or live with someone who refuses to talk about a problem we're having.
That's what happens when you get a good girl and expect her to be a slut in the bedroom. Go sleep on the couch and whack off if you are so frustrated and cannot talk to your partner.
11102568, I think it's all been said - more than once, in fact - but you need to read what you've posted with clear eyes, the eyes of a stranger. At best your girlfriend has been ambivalent toward you from the very beginning. Sex is a problem. Sex isn't a problem. You critique her sexual performance - she either isn't good at or doesn't like being "on top." I think you are being very unrealistic about your happiness in this relationship. I don't know if you are having problems letting go because it's your first sexual experience or if it's something else.
You need to take a look at what you've posted (sorry, I'm an investigator, that's what I do): "“I met her and instantly fell in love with her... I was always the one chasing her and asking if she wanted to meet up for this and that. She NEVER ended an evening of hanging out saying that she would like to see me the next day... She was very shy and quiet however and was more of a listener and would very rarely open up to me... I broke down in front of her and said that I loved her, this clearly scared her and she obviously didn't feel the same for me after such little time and she went back to her accommodation... This made me very upset and my girlfriend got very angry with them and decided to stay with me over them... to avoid contact with her old friends she would sneak out late at night to have a shower at her old place without being seen... she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it... She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret... I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too... I am starting to wonder whether she is attracted to me, I asked her and she says that she is, just I am too 'comfortable'... I am just unsure if this is the person I could marry in the futureI am completely happy... I find her very attractive on top and I like her performance quite a lot... she just doesn't feel confident and doesn't like the position very much... All relationships are bound to loose spark as the individuals get comfortable around each other and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or a lack of love.. I get the impression that she has the signs that she is getting bored or losing interest... I never said she was bored... Giving up is the easy thing to do and I would not have needed to post about it if I was going to do that... I do not see the lack of sex as the problem though”
This is not a solid relationship. I think neither of you want to be the first to say enough. I don't think she is happy with you and you are willing to settle with her. It's time to walk away .
@judyKayTee, I understand what you are saying but sex was never the problem for me, everyone here seems to think that I only care about having sex more often. I failed to get my point across. It was the frequency that I was worried about, not that I would like it more often (more often would be a bonus though) but rather that I thought it was a bad sign in the relationship. And I was never the one to tell her that she was bad on top, I like her on top, but she was feeling insecure about it and that she felt like she was bad at it and preferred me on top, I tried to encourage her that she was very good at it and that it turned me on. Thank you for being an investigator and taking the time to read though.
@Talaniman, She is a very nice girl and I do not find slutty Megan Fox type girls attractive, I find them dirty in a bad way. I do not expect her to act like one at all. And like I have just cleared up, I am only worried about the frequency, like there is a negative reason in the relationship for the lack of it (more sex wouldn't be bad however).
@Homegirl 50, She seems to be very in love with me, we hug and kiss many times a day and she tells me that she loves me even without me saying it first to her and she really is willing to settle too I know this for sure.
When you ask these kinds of questions then what are we supposed to think? How would YOU answer a question like this?Quote:
It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?
Go sleep on the couch and whack off is my answer, and let your tired female sleep in peace.
I will repeat this again. If you two are not going to sit down and talk about this problem you are not going to make it. If you have a concern, she ought to be willing to discuss it, the fact that she refuses to is problematic. I think the problem is not just about sex. She is either mean or dense if she does not think rubbing all over you then turning away is wrong. Maybe she likes the idea of having a boyfriend of living with you and a chance of a future, but this relationship does not sound right. You two need to have your own place and maybe connect on the weekends or something. If she is a healthy young lady and you two are in love, something is wrong if you are begging for sex. You need to talk about this to her, not to us. We have already told you what you need to do.
You are right, I guess you guys cannot know what the problem is and cannot answer it for us. I need to talk to her, I'm going to ask her once and for all, she needs to know that I am seriously expecting an answer...Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Well don't come at her demanding anything. You tell her this is important and you two need to talk about this. If she does not care enough to discuss something that is important to the relationship, you two need to rethink the relationship.
There are times when she may not feel like sex and you should respect that, but if this is an ongoing thing, if you two are not compatible sexually, that is going to be a big problem. If she thinks it's OK to tease you sexually and then turn you away, she has a problem.
I think your relationship has just come to a stand still. It's not anybody's fault, it's just the way it is. It's time to move on or at least talk about it.
I think a large part of the problem is your attitude - it seems to be about winning or losing, controlling or not controlling. You "seriously EXPECT an answer?" Unless she's 3 years old, I think you're out of line.
I meant that normally she doesn't take me seriously when I bring things up, she needs to know that I am being serious and I do expect her to answer instead of making excuses not to answer. I cannot make her answer but she needs to know that not talking about it does not help the situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Go sleep on the couch. Why do you keep dismissing the most obvious method of showing how serious you say you are? No, you rather confront and argue and force her to give in.
Remove yourself from the situation and see what happens. Whacking off is optional.
You both will learn to communicate, or live apart. Actions speaker louder than words sometimes, and why fight about it, or argue? Forcing a female to service you is NOT love and maybe better ways to deal with your lack of bedroom attention is what you need.
Hell if you want her to lay there and endure for 10 minutes, just say so.
I think her lack of not wanting to talk about it is really the issue, not so much his wanting it.
I say you two live in separate places, take a break form each other,
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1102568
Now you are saying she doesn't take you seriously when you try to talk to her. You don't listen. In your first post, you talked and she said she is tired and stressed. In a later post, you talked to her again and she told you why she is tired and stressed.Quote:
When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. She doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too. I have talked to her about it multiple times and she says that she has been very stressed and tired lately.
What more can she do or say to tell you to back off on wanting sex every week and not to expect her to satisfy all of your needs?
Can you go two weeks without getting her to have some type of sexual contact? She has been pleasing you and dealing with everything else for quite a while now. When does she get to take care of her needs? When does she meet up with her friends to unwind and re-energize? Is the roommate doing his part now or that still part of her stress?
This is very classic pressure to have sexual contact has turned into a libido killer.
You can try talking to her again but until you listen and pay attention to what she says instead of putting your own thoughts and meanings to her actions, You aren't going to get anywhere. If she has given up trying to talk with you, it is going to take some time for her to feel comfortable trying to say anything about how she feels. I would ask her about the teasing. It is a recent development and may be a way to open the door to other subjects.
I not only see this as a libido killer - it's a relatioship killer.
None of you are listening, I said that I have learned to deal with the lack of sex now, I just get on with it. My original post was cleared as I realized that it was my attitude problem. This new post was merged with the last one, so I understand why you people are misunderstanding this new post. I don't know who merged it. This new question was about the fact that once I didn't care for sex as much she was all over ME (not the other way round) and only once all of her playfulness turned me on (even though my mind didn't want it as I was going to sleep) I tried engaging in sex with her as she seemed to want it and then she said she was tired again. It seems that she likes me to want her and pester her for sex and rejecting me. Why would she do this when I clearly am not interested, she obviously doesn't want sex either if she says she's tired? It's like she does it for controlling me or gaining the upper hand or some sort of power thing which I feel is wrong. Should I play along with it or wait it out until she does this again and just stick to going to sleep like my original plans? If I am not in the mood only to be played with until aroused and then rejected seems a little evil to me.Quote:
Posted by talaniman; Go sleep on the couch. Why do you keep dismissing the most obvious method of showing how serious you say you are? No, you rather confront and argue and force her to give in.
Remove yourself from the situation and see what happens. Whacking off is optional.
You both will learn to communicate, or live apart. Actions speaker louder than words sometimes, and why fight about it, or argue? Forcing a female to service you is NOT love and maybe better ways to deal with your lack of bedroom attention is what you need.
Hell if you want her to lay there and endure for 10 minutes, just say so.
"You people"?
Your threads were merged because one provides history for the other. You cannot reinvent yourself on AMHD.
It's all been said - you are playing, "I'm in charge, no, I'm in charge" in the bedroom, possibly in all other aspects of your life.
You've been going to let her know you're serious for how many days? If you played the "I'm serious and so you'd better ..." card with her and she still keeps on keeping on, why are you there?
What are you not understanding about what's been said to you?
My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.
Not listening?? Do you listen to yourself? Rejection can be frustrating, and its worse when you think you have been played with. But you keep going along when you get aroused and rejected instead of going to sleep on the couch.
Your whole attitude makes YOU your own worst enemy. Stop whining about being played and frustrated and take your time and learn how to deal with it, or what's the point?
I never said 'you people' that is a very derogatory term. I've decided to just not have sex ever until she wants it. I think she does have a problem with me being in charge in the bedroom and I have a problem with her being that way too. Why should I let go when she loves me and I love her?Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Okay, so I should just stick to my original plan of sleeping, note taken. I'm not going to sleep on the couch though, that would seem that I am falling out with her when I am not, I will just go to sleep.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
This is it in a nutshell IMO. Neither of them want to let go.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Someone is hacking your account: " ... so I understand why you people ..."
Just for clarification since I know sometimes a phrase pops up that you didn't intend. You did say 'you people':Quote:
Originally Posted by 1102568
This whole thread is about you getting what you want whether it is sex or to be the dominant person in all aspects of the relationship.Quote:
This new post was merged with the last one, so I understand why you people are misunderstanding this new post.
Love isn't always enough if partners can't communicate. Communication is a two-way process. You have to be open to listening to her side as much as you want her to listen to you. I think you keep asking but when you don't hear the words you want, you say it is her fault. She doesn't want to talk, she gives excuses for not wanting to talk, she doesn't take me seriously, etc.
Look at how you respond to us. We try to give you advice, but it takes dozens of posts to get you to understand you need to back off. You come back with a story about her teasing you. We tell you to talk to her. But you keep going on about whether to play games.
I do not know if she is teasing or if you are being overly sensitive to her cuddling and showing affection. The only way to understand what is going on is to talk with her. But you have said you don't want to ask her about it because then she will know it bothers you. How do you work on any issues if you are afraid she will see you as being 'weak'?
Do you see her as being weak or less than an equal with you?
Looks like I did say 'you people' then, it wasn't intended to offend anyone :s. She IS teasing me, and I understand that we need to talk, It's not just about want anymore. I have backed off about sex, I realized how childish and selfish and needy I was being and I have since chilled. But I have now noticed that there is this weird oppressive thing going on. I am fine with going without sex for a while, but reminding me that I can't have it even when I don't want it is a little dominant in the aggressive kind. I would be fine taking a step back in the bedroom and letting her be dominant every now and then, but not in this negative/aggressive way, I am an equal to her, so I believe. But she doesn't seem to be treating me that way. I feel that she has probably lost respect for me and the only way to get it back would be for me to assert myself and to not put up with her attitude. Before I do something as drastic as that I need to try talking to her again, and I am obviously failing at this part so I am going to need a bit of help.How would I approach the subject to her without starting an argument?Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
How about "I need to talk to you about something?"
Or here's a better idea - print out this thread and hand it to her. I think "we've" had this conversation for about 70 posts now and it's gone nowhere.
Oh stop worrying about it your lack of understanding of your female will drive her away soon any way. All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.
You seem to be too selfish to see it. I am willing to bet you have missed everything she has ever said to you and know nothing of her mind, and how it works. You are a LOUSY listener. Most selfish insecure people are.
Make love to her mind and the body will follow, or get a female who is basically easier for you to understand.
I am sensing that you are hostile to me. I think you have not understood my character at all even though I would have thought that it would be easier to do so with a second-person perspective. I am not self-centered at all, in fact, I came to this forum so that me and my girlfriend could be happier together. I did not, as you still seem to believe come here to find a way to get more sex out of her because I am selfish. I have explained (if you read correctly) that I can deal with the frequency of sex and initially I was worried about WHY the sex had diminished. NOW however, there is a different problem in the bedroom also NON-RELATED to frequency of sex.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
'All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.'
Why would I post on here about what I should be doing for her? If I am correct, this forum is called askmehelpdesk. I cannot ask about what I am doing for her to you, as I already know that and you do not. I can only ask questions here for myself so your point is invalid. I am also very offended by this post. Your previous advice, however, has helped a has reassured me that I can deal with whatever the reason for the diminished sex (I should repeat that the frequency itself was never a problem to start with). I understand that it seems that I am not listening to your advice (and any ones) because the post is now over 70 now as others have clearly pointed out. This is actually 2 posts, someone just merged them together. My initial question is dealt with and is now old. I am listening to everyones' suggestions when they are reasonable and not 'print this out and let her read it' etc...
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