What is your problem? :P Seriously... Put yourself through all this for what? Your not taking any of the advice anyone is giving you.

Yes perhaps the girl has felt trapped in the relationship and maybe she wants to experience different things so she has a chance to find herself before she commits to someone for the rest of her life. Most people I have spoke to who were in a relationship at a young age well it never lasted. Those who married regretted not having a 'wild stage' as such. Some people need this to find themselves, others don't. But we all have to do some soul searching at one point. So give the girl space and move on with your life. She's not dead is she? Get yourself a new happy life with new and refreshing things to do, take a holiday... do something but get yourself away from this soul destroying situation.

My mum married when she was young and it lasted 6 years before she met my dad at 30. They actually remained friends and he was always around me and my sis as kids, don't know how my dad dealt with it... Very strange situation as I look back to my childhood. They probably never speak now really. She's 52 now.

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Originally Posted by TESTER2799

What am i supposed to do?

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This question has been answered about a jillion times already, but you aren't willing to hear the answer, so you keep asking it.

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Originally Posted by TESTER2799

I do love her, and I know i am inlove with her.. If i wasn't, i would have moved on by now..

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This isn't love, it's emotional addiction.

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Originally Posted by TESTER2799

Please understand that this is completely different than any other story posted here..

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Not that different, except that she's a better manipulator than most, and your head is thicker than most. It's a match made in hell and a recipe for disaster. The longer you persist in feeding your illusion, the more damage is done and the longer it will take to regain your mental and emotional health. It's heartbreaking to watch you spiral down into this black hole.

Ok, I have updates.. to confuse you even more I think.. hehe..

She told me she is thinking.. and she will do this from now on because she haven't thought anything until now.. and I told her the following:

"Look, if you want to do your life now for 1-2 months, and then come back, I can do it. It will help us.. the experience will help us in the future."
She told me "If you are sure for this, then I will include it in my thoughts".
I told her "I can do it only if you are coming back.. unless there is no point"
She told me "I will think of that, i promise"
I told her "If you do that, you get what you want right now (wild life) and I get what I want.. eventually"
And she told me "I will think of that baby"

I am so f***ed up! Hehe.. Ok, here is the plan from now on and tell me if you agree with me..
I will let her do whatever she wants, without asking her what she did, with who or when. I will also do the same.. get a life as most of you told me.
She will start thinking about everything..
And during easter we will talk again about the situation..

But I want to ask you.. is it a good idea? I mean what I told her above.. She seemed OK with the fact since she doesn't want to loose me, and she doesn't want to loose her new life now.. Will it work if she agrees to this?
Remember that she already told me that I am the one she imagines as her husband and the father to her children..

Ps: YES, I am reading all posts, and I am considering your thoughts and advices. I am not stupid. But I still think there is something there.. If she wanted me out, she would have told me by now.. She knows what I am going through, and she would have told me to move on.. not to wait for nothing! So please, try to understand my situation..

Yeah as a back up plan! I really do not understand why are you doing this to yourself.

Hi, TESTER2799!
I am really sorry for what you're going through. My story is a bit similar to yours (7 year relationship, 2 of which in long distance). I can tell you from experience, that setting plans at this point is part of your self-deception plan which MAY BE NECESSARY FOR YOU to cope with the situation right now. But you can't think clearly and logically now (at least for 1 or 2 months). This won't change until you withdraw from the situation i.e. cut all contact. As hard as it gets, you have to CUT HER OFF. At least for 3 months but I guess much much more. She doesn't know what she wants and this won't change while she has every option in hand. Time needs to pass. You have to accept it - that's going to be painful but pain will lessen I promise you. Now join any activity, hobby, gym whatever. Try to do things to please yourself. Write it here instead of calling her. We are all with you.

Well let me tell you guys..
The pain has started to move away right now.. For example I know that she just went to this guy and I don't feel down or pain or something (He needs help on his english and she is half English)..
I tried to cut contact with her, but this only pushed her more away.. she told me that. She told me that because I was not available, she needed someone to talk to.. and that's the reason why she went to this guy.. I do believe her because last two days I was available and she stayed home talking with me..

Therefore, just being there, talking with her sometimes (not about the situation but other general stuff), is more helpful for me.. The pain is going away and I am confident about my life..

I have a question since most of you guys or girls know at least one girl that had this "crazy wild phase"...
How long does it last? In average.. Because she is starting to see that even if she likes this kind of life, she is messing up the rest of her life (University, family, health, sleep etc etc)..

Last night she told me that my idea was nice (thread #43).. And she said we can do that, and meet again in 2 years and get married.. then she said.. no 2 years.. 4 years!! And we will be close during that period.. hehe.. We laughed about this..
What I understood is that she wants to be my wife and the father of her children (she already told me that many times.. even after the break.. she specifically told me "I know you are the only one that I would like to be my husband and the father of my children.. you will be the best for that part of my life"..
So.. the important question here is how long does this crazy wild girl phase last? Give me examples if you know.. Just to get an idea... I know it's not a fixed period thing.. but I would love to know some examples..

I know I am bothering you guys since I am not listening to you.. but I've tried everything.. I do want her back.. and I know she wants to come back at some point.. This of course can be changed in 2-3 weeks for example.. But right now, I do want her back!

Can you give me examples of how long does this last?

Again thank you for your support..

4 years!! You must be kidding. She must be very immature to do such things to you. There is no guarantee at all it will ever happen. If you are ready for 4 years of being there just for her, listening about problems with her new BFs, being faithful to a phantom of love - only to find out that 4 years later she is not going to change her mind - then go forward. Sorry for being hard here, but that's what it seems from my perspective.

Sorry to be so blunt but your mad! Get a life.

I think she was kidding Ulysses.. hehe..
Look, let me put it this way..
Its been since FEB 10th when she asked me for the break..
She haven't even thought about the situation yet.. Nothing.. NADA!
She was just going out, messing her life, and thought about nothing..
Now, from Monday, she started thinking things.. That's why she stayed home last two nights..
She sees that this life is no good for her.. She knows she has to make a decision eventually, because I can't wait there for ever.. She knows that..
And the important thing is that she is not even in love with this guy.. she already told me many many times that this guy is not for her.. she will never be in love with him.. OK, you don't really know that unless it happens, but the only thing that makes her go to see him is just plain attraction.. That's all..
I have to give her the time to think.. I can't reject her from now because she haven't thought a thing yet.. Don't you think that its better to be there for now until she decides?

About the 4 years.. I told her its toooooooooo long and we will forget each other and this will never happen. Don't worry.. I am not that kind of guy that says "YES" and "OK" to everything a woman tells him..

Anyway, I have to give her time to think..

Yeh do that and leave her alone completely. Get your own life, if she comes back she will, don't push for it. Stop being a doormat.

I know.. you are right! I am not putting any pressure on her.. If we talk about the situation I am always saying funny stuff and laugh at them.. I mean eventually she will do what ever she wants.. right? So there is no point trying to convince her about anything..
It's her decision..

I am having life.. I am going out and I am flirting.. I am doing all the things you guys told me.. Except to cut contact with her.. Just not yet.. because this will confuse her even more..
I will give her as much time as she wants... If we rush things, then probably she will make the wrong decision..
I will be there for her but not ALWAYS!
For example yesterday she told me that this guy asked her to stay at his place for the night. She told him NO several times, but he insisted. Later, she told me.. I will do what ever I want.. and she stayed at her place.. I mean she is starting to realise what she is doing.. The only thing I told her is "You do what ever YOU want.. not what I say, not what he says"..

I don't know if you understand what I am saying.. But the main thing is that I will give her as much time as she wants to make the right decision for her..

You put yourself through so much torture.

You don't get it, man... she IS doing what she wants - she is sleeping with another man (and torturing you in the process). Forget her words and look at her actions! She is manipulating you and she does not even know it. Her behaviour is very selfish. If she really loved you, would she really want to hurt you like this or put you through this emotional discomfort?

She MAY come back to you again, but guess what? This WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN, because now she knows that she can get away with it. Do you really want that??

You need to learn to love yourself first, then someone else second.

Look, from reading your posts, you have already decided what you are going to do. We can write until we are blue in the face (so that you take note of our experiences), but until you experience it yourself, it won't make any difference.

Trust me, you are doing this the hard way, but it looks like you need to learn that lesson yourself, through your own experience. Its coming to you...

Save this post and look back in 20 years - hindsight is always 20/20, as they say.

It's like watching a plane crash in slow motion. I'm horrified by the sight, but I can't turn away.

Some people can manage to enjoy their suffering. For them, to end the suffering is the worst thing imaginable since it is exactly what tells them they are alive. You see this more commonly in addicts who have acclimated to the pain of repeatedly hitting bottom and doing early recovery over and over, never getting beyond a few months so they never really know what real recovery is like. They think they know but they actually don't. Until they are willing to really look, nothing is able to make any difference...

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i have a question, so your advice to this guy is to let go of her completley because hes addicted to her? so if that works and hes let go completley, what happens when she wants him back? say hes finally over her, what does he do when shes at his door step years from now? what then?

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I used to run my relationships like they were addictions. When the one you "let go of" returns, hopefully you get to experience what I did. I recovered, I grew up, I worked my way out of codependent relationships so that I could have healthy ones instead and when he came knocking, I could not believe how unappealing he looked to me. Night and day. I gently turned him down. I had changed, he had not. Hard to tell someone what healthy is like until you "get here". Once there you won't go back either. Love is not an addiction, not at all! LOL

Love isn't a fairy tale.

It's just not as easy as "and they lived happily ever after".

Love is so different at each stage of our lives... and it's different than the tradition "Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, they get married, buy a house, have a couple of kids, and grow old happily together". It just doesn't work that way.

You can NOT be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. Really.

When someone walks away from a relationship and begins another relationship... yes, it's over. Maybe someday things might work out so that you end up together, but maybe someday you'll win the lottery, too. Your chances are about even there.

Move on, be happy, don't EVER plan your life around any one other person. I'm married, happily, and I STILL don't plan my entire life around my husband. If something happened to him tomorrow (Goddess forbid!), I'd still be able to move on with my life. I would be devastated, I would mourn, but I wouldn't do anything because "he would have wanted it that way".

It's the same with the end of ANY relationship. Mourn it, be sad about it, then LIVE FOR YOU!

There are problems and there are problems.

I'm 32 years old. I have had several long term (longer than 2 years) relationships. I've cheated, and been cheated on. I've dealt with an alcoholic, I've been with an emotional abuser. I had a guy walk out on a 2.5 year relationship because he couldn't deal with how emotional I was after we placed our daughter for adoption. I had a guy walk out when things were going just fine, from my perspective, because he "just wanted to be single, and things were too serious". I did everything I could think of to get him back. Nothing worked, because I was too invested in getting him back.

Look, I understand that people have problems. I've been married a while, and moved across the country 4 times, and had financial issues, and disappointments with inability to conceive, and disliking each other's friends. I've dealt with the big crap, and the stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste and leaving wet towels on the floor.

EVERY COUPLE HAS PROBLEMS! Any couple that doesn't is lying to themselves and each other. If you have friends and family that care about you, then yes, people help you get through problems.

The issue comes up here where one person is completely invested in the relationship, and the other is off playing with someone else entirely. That's not "problems". That's the inability to accept that your relationship is over.

If you were BOTH here asking how to make it work, that would be different. Instead, it's just you, asking how to get her back to who you want her to be. That's infatuation, not love. That's obsession, not friendship.

Look, Mr. Bitter About Everything... there are no guarantees about anything! If you truly love one another, you'll BOTH do whatever it takes to be together. If it's one person doing all the work, then it's not love. It's something else.

If you want to rant and criticize the other posters and hijack someone else's thread why don't you post somewhere in your own thread and we can help you. I understand disagreeing but nor arguing another's opinion especially in the disrespectful way your coming with.

At least you dropped the Capitol letters but if you agree with an opinion you can rate it as opposed to quote user. Relax.

I know..

But I am not a quiter!
I'll give her as much time as she wants.. I will not give up..

No one told me yet how do I get her back..

Everybody is telling me to move on and forget about her..

Please give me advice now on how do I get her back..
Still she hasn't decided yet what she wants.. This new life or me?
She is still confused.. she likes what she is doing, but she doesn't know what she really want from her life.. this wild life or me?

So please tell me what should I do to have more chance to get her back..
You all have experience.. I don't! Please help me..

I don't know how else it can be explained... There's no magical way to win back someone's heart. The only way you can do it is to be your own man for a while. I know you love her... But it's not like with a story! The plot isn't there to give you what you want! Sometimes, in life, even if you really care about someone there's just nothing you can do about it. Accepting facts for facts are going to help make you be more of a man, more confident of yourself and more able to meet other women... Until you meet the right one!

Buddy... Seriously, you're just going to hurt yourself. There's nothing you can do. She's your friend, at best, and heartache at worst. You're just going to build your hopes up only to see them crash down all around you again.

Move on. That's the best way. If she wants you, she'll find you! What can you do that you haven't done all ready? Turn into Superman? It can't be done!

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Originally Posted by TESTER2799

Still she hasn't decided yet what she wants.. This new life or me?

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There is your answer on how to get her back... wait like a trained seal for her to make a decision and hope its in favor of you. Of course, never mind that this is a very unhealthy thing for YOU to do for many reasons that you alone will pay for. And totally disregard the liklihood that should she finally tire of the wild life and actually take you back, she'll continue to abuse you again and again until she really is sick of abusing you and then finallyt dump you. But that is about the only way I see you able to get someone like her back. Wait. And tell yourself anything but truthful things too. But don't take my experience about it, or any of the dozens of others here who are trying to tell you something you just don't want to hear. LOL

How many times can you read about how this isn't love before it begins to dawn on you that this may not be love?

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So please tell me what should I do to have more chance to get her back..
You all have experience.. I don't! Please help me..

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There is good reason why all these experienced people cannot tell you how to get her back, WE DON'T KNOW!!!! We do know that wasting time trying to find a way is unhealthy and detrimental to you. The only help we can give is what you've got. Accept it and be healthy.

OK, I've decided (I don't know how long it's going to last though, but I'll do my best).

NO CONTACT! It's the final thing I am willing to do.. and it's the best thing I am willing to do.

She wants to talk to me? So? If she was my friend, she wouldn't do that to me..
NO CONTACT! It's the only way she will realize what I mean to her.. good or bad.. I don't care! It's the only way..

Please help me keep this.. I want to do it.. I know for the first 1-2 weeks this will push her towards him.. If she comes back, this means she wants to come back. If not, then she never really wanted me..

I have to be strong.. I need help! No contact! If she calls, texts or emails.. I don't care! I will not respond back..

How many times do you have to post tester? 7 pages now.. Have you not got the message. Your obsessive. THERE IS NO WAY to win her back!! The option you have is to leave this situation behind and move on with your life. Then and only then when you have found a new you will you be able to look at your past situation and re evaluate.

Exactly Jiser! That's it "Then and only then when you have found a new you will you be able to look at your past situation and re evaluate.
"

Yes 'No contact' tester, we will help you keep it.

There is no way to win her back? What exactly do you mean? It's over and she will never come back?
Look.. she has fun, she likes what she is doing right now. What I am asking here is if she, at some point, get bored.. and when this is possible to happen?
I will not contact her, even if she contacts me! At least for the next 3 weeks (if I am strong enought).. Will this push her far away? I know this is the right thing to do, so that I can recover from this thing.. But what about her?

<<But what about her?>>

Forget about her, Think about YOURSELF!!

Start with 3 weeks,Maybe after that time you will decide she is not the girl for you, and that you don't want a girl who wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side!!

I was just surfing this site when your question inspired me to register and try to give you a hand.

The reason I'm doing this is because I'm going through something similar and I know how it feels to be so powerless.

You may not like what I'm going to say but it's what I see. There's just to many posts to read every one of them, so I may be repeating things that have already been said.

1. You keep saying to her that you're going to walk out of her life, you keep ASKING her, like requiring her permission. I remember seeing one of your posts where you were having a Skype conversation with her. You would say "I'm out of here", and every time she would say good bye, you would start another conversation.

2. You're just being too nice man. Women don't dig nice guys, specially guys that are practically out of control begging for regaining control of their lives. She obviously cares about you, I mean it's not like 8 years mean nothing, but the main reason she's staying with the other guy is because he's being a man, not obsessing over her, just playing along, and that makes her feel challenged. She may not know it, or she may not be doing it on purpose (I don't know her, so I can't judge her), but usually that's a natural behavior.

Can you see the pattern here? You're giving away all your power, therefore being less of a challenge, and she's going out with a guy that's being a challenge.

She cares about you, she wants to be your friend, she's confused, she doesn't know what's going on, what's she's feeling, she needs some time alone, she doesn't want to date other guys, she NEEDS you, she needs time, let's see what happens, just have patience, believe in what you both have, and the list goes on... That's what everybody says. I've said it many times, my friends have said it, I've heard it, it's nothing new man.

Why does she needs you? Why is it that she is still looking for you? Because it's easier that way to move on. Specially for her, since she can dump you for another guy and say: "oh well, I feel bad for him, but at least I'm offering him my friendship". It's just to make the transition from being a couple for 8 years to being single. Eventually, she will start letting you go bit by bit, and then you'll be in the gutter.

Just sit down for a while and think! You WANT her back? You WANT to WIN her back? This is not a movie, this is your ego speaking. You're saying to yourself "I can't believe I'm going to lose this!", "I can't give up!".

My friend, there's no winning back here, not anymore, why? Because you already did everything you could do! What? You're really going to believe that she's going to wake up one day and say "geez, I really want to get back with him!"

If you keep being there for her, she will get used to having you around and therefore your chances of "getting back together" will disappear.

Now analyze all I've said and think that: WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING, IT'S NOT WORKING. So what then? Do something else!!

Start ignoring her, don't be 24/7 for her, get ON with your life, start going out, date other women, go to the gym, get better, AND ALWAYS MAKE HER SEE THAT YOU'RE DOING FINE, this is not a pity contest.

The best way to get her back is by doing nothing! Is by NOT trying to get her back! And eventually, this will lead to two things:

1. you start moving on and she forgets about you, but you've also moved on, so you'll be better.

2. you start moving on and she suddenly feels that you're missing and she'll come crawling back.


I know how desperate it can be, to lose the control over your feelings. But believe me, once you accept the facts, you'll feel a lot better.

Hope I helped, because this piece of advice I'm giving to you I had to find it out the hard way.

I know.. you are absolutely right! I did try everything.. nothing worked.. or they worked for 1-2 days and then nothing..
This is the only thing that I haven't really tried.. NO CONTACT!
And yes, if I do that, I know that not only I will feel better (moving on) but also this is the last chance to get her back. Either way, I will feel better!
No matter what she says, if she is worried about me, if she thinks I killed myself.. I will not contact her, and I will ignore everything she says.. right?

Let her worry about me, not me worry about her.. Besides.. I did the right thing. I did everything I could to save this relationship. Nothing worked! When she wants something, she is going to take it no matter what!
I just don't recognize her.. I mean.. this is NOT her! Trust me guys.. this is not her! Yes you are going to say that she just showed me who she really is.. but this is wrong. This is not her! It's just this stupid phase every woman goes through.. Live something new, excited.. different! Something wild..
NO CONTACT! This is the first day hehe.. If I keep this until next week, I think things will get better (either way)..

She does need me to stay her friend.. she made me promise that if she decides no, then we'll still be close friends.. This will show her that I am not the nice man anymore. I am not stupid anymore..

I have to be strong.. I know I have to...

+ if you ever feel bad or want a rant - COME HERE :) Instead of ringing your ex, come here! Power to the dumpees!

I am into a month and a week of NC. Apart from a myspace message to say how are you etc and happy birthday, which I replied in a buissness like manner, I feel much better now with a month. Its like a weird high your on all day, its so weird being single hehe. Of course when you go to bed it sux a bit. I keep myself busy all the time, see my mates and do sports + gym, helps so much. Good luck You can do it, before you know it will be 6 months.

OK cool 9 pages later and we are finally getting somewhere!! Print out that last post of yours Tester and keep reading it!!

I just printed what brucealmighty said :)

I really need you to stay here with me.. I know this is going to be too hard for me and sometimes I would LOVE to kill myself.. hehe..
I'll give it a shot though! Nothing to loose.. a lot to gain (either one)!

If something happens I'll let you know immediately.. Thank you guys

If it makes you feel any better, you can be in touch with her. Eventually, when you've already moved on. But just make sure you have all your feelings for her cool down.

If she tries to contact you, you don't have to punish yourself, if you need a little fix just to know what she's up to, you can do it. Losing an 8 year best friend/girlfriend leaves a huge hole to fill.

But this is really dangerous, because you will always try to interpret what she says and see things at your own perspective.

Just accept the fact that she's not feeling IT anymore, and try to be cheerful, tell her that you're going out, to the gym, doing great at work, or even going on a date (just make sure you really have one). Just forget about getting back together!!

Little fixes of her every couple of days, will eventually lead to fixes every couple of week and you'll see that this will help you keep your strength, and therefore it will be easier to move on.

Just remember to NOT contact her on a whim, or try to recreate that routine of talking every day, DO NOT talk about the relationship, do not answer her calls right away. DO IT ONLY IF Necessary, BUT FOR YOU, not for her.

GIVE HER THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!! DON'T BE THERE ALL THE TIME!!

If she comes back, then great, if not, then you've already moved on and become a new man.

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Originally Posted by TESTER2799

sometimes i would LOVE to kill myself.. hehe..
I'll give it a shot though! Nothing to loose.. a lot to gain (either one)!

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You won't get the sympathy for that one!

Pick yourself up, hold your head up! Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Lets go tester.. Move your

To be honest I already tried the NO CONTACT and ignoring her thing.. Last weekend..
She seemed sad for not be able to find me.. But she said almost nothing.. I mean she typed 2-3 lines on MSN, then she said "You dont have to ignore me, unless you want to".. then after some hours she wanted to send me a song.. then that was it..
Later, the next day, when we talked, she told me "I dont hate you, i just didn't want to stay home by myself, because I was afraid to start thinking about all these things. Therefore I went at his place".. hehe.. how stupid?? I mean.. WHAT??

Anyway, I think it worked a little bit because I was not available for her.. I will try this again, not only to see if I can get her back, but also for me to feel better..

I have to do it! It's the only way ( based on what most of you guys told me.. )

I will not contact her, and when she does I will not respond.. only if something bad happens.. or when I feel like talking to her just for company.. nothing about the relationship.. from now on I AM NOT AVAILABLE 24/7...

One other thing and I want you to explain this to me.. During the last time I've tried this, when we talked on the phone I seemed happy, busy, loving my life and enjoying it. She told me "it seems you are happy with your life so you want to move on?" what does that mean? Basically, what I understood is that she thinks "I am happy, he is happy, therefore lets end this now"! Right?

It's obvious that you need to move on. The problem is that you're afraid of losing her while you're at it. This is something we can't control, and if she doesn't comes back you have to be prepared for it.

If next time she asks you directly, you can tell her a vague answer like: "I'm just enjoying every minute of my life, and whatever happens, happens."

Just try to sound CONFIDENT, STRONG and BELIEVE in what you're saying. If you say: "umm, i don't know, I guess...hmm, yeah, I want to move on." Then she knows that you're just playing an act, and she'll keep looking for you until you break again. (like many times before)

The point is that you need to project a better image of yourself if you want any luck with her or any other chick in the future.