She broke up with me over a text message. She has initiated contact with me once since we broke up, all the rest were initiated by me. I don't press her into talking about how we can fix this, I only ask her what I did wrong and why she's felt the need to avoid me. It's been 2 months now, and I still don't feel like she's being honest about this, mostly because she ran into another relationship right afterwards. Then claimed that she knew I'd find out, and didn't want to tell me because it was easier, and how she hates herself about that.

She's done practically no talking when we talk, she just says uhuh to everything I say and rarely offers any insight to what the problems were or what's going on. Every once in a while she'll admit that this is mostly her fault and her problem, which I don't believe, because I am at fault to a large degree.

To me when you're going to spend 2 years of your life with somebody, and you plan a future together and refuse plenty of opportunities to walk away from a relationship. To end it so cruely and coldly just doesn't happen. If you're sure about your decision and you're better off without this person, you tell them that, at the very least over the phone. I've gotten nothing but attempts at hiding from me and wishy washy answers. I'm looking to hear those words from her mouth, instead of inferring them from her actions.

And don't get me wrong, I see her as the same lost cause you guys do as well. I understand she wants the coward's way out and she's no good for me and that this is not behavior of an adult. I just don't want to believe that somebody can be so heartless, and I need to see it with my own eyes before I'll believe it. I'd also point out in case it isn't obvious, this is the first time anybody I loved has ever left me. So it's a learning experience.

As for the other girl, she's fresh off a hard breakup herself. So we're helping each other out, both of us are aware it's completely a rebound thing.

Believe me when I tell you that getting your feelings off your chest and making sure this girl knows how you feel will change absolutely nothing. You will have no closure, no feelings of relief, nothing, and it may only serve to frustrate you more.

You say you're not sure that she's not a keeper, by definition I think she is not a keeper. She's not some kid who doesn't know how to conduct themselves and not only be dignified but give dignity, even during a break up. She broke up with you via a text message. No matter how you treated her, that shows no maturity, courage or compassion of any kind. She runs from her problems hoping that they will disappear, that doesn't describe a healthy adult to me.

So ask yourself this, why don't you deserve a healthy partner to love and love you back? Or is it that you think you can't handle a healthy partner?? Why do you feel you need to be with someone who needs to be fixed?

Whether this guy she's dating is a rebound or not, who cares and why is that any of your concern now?? If she's afraid of commitment, who cares, you're not together anymore and nothing you can say or do can change that, that's this guy's problem now. Let her continue on living her party lifestyle, by keeping your thoughts and concerns in her reality, you won't get past her party lifestyle either but will just keep living it right along with her.

Whether she listens to what you have to say will change nothing. Why bother asking her a bunch of questions she may not want to or know how to answer, isn't she the girl who runs from her problems (i.e. confrontation)? The sooner you turn your back on this chapter in your life, the sooner you will get back on track and start living in the now.

You needed to get it off your chest, you just did, here.

When your significant other asks for space or a break, it's in all of our nature to almost instantly go running to them. It's hard to rationalize how not caring and being distant could actually bring them back, but try to use the logic on yourself. They are asking for space, which is sort of sending you the message they don't care. What do you do? RUN STRAIGHT TO THEM. What happens when you send them the message you're moving on? THEY RUN STRAIGHT BACK

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I'd also point out in case it isn't obvious, this is the first time anybody I loved has ever left me.

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That first time is rough

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You needed to get it off your chest, you just did, here.

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You should feel much better.

We need to make this an automatic reply on these kinds of posts...

It's so true. Laws of attraction.

It's also true that when you're in the thick of it relationship wise... it's like a paper bag is over your head and you can't think or see straight to save your life. All rational thought goes out the window.

People Want What They Can't Have.

Challenge.

Break these habits.

You can't be more right

Will someone explain me how to revearse it? Any tricks to prevent this happening?

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Originally Posted by dudya07

will someone explain me how to revearse it? any tricks to prevent this happening?

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It isn't about tricks or games.

Having a healthy and BALANCES relationship with lots of open communication will be your best prevention to having too many problems in a relationship!

No tricks. Just honesty!

I am all for it, but it doesn't always work that way. It didn't with me, I think that it is some people's nature to create drama, some like to be asked and like to play games. I think if you need space, you really need it,. you won't change your mind right when the other person has given you your space, you start playing tricks to get the person back... some people just don't know what they want. It is a torture.:(

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Originally Posted by Skell

It isnt about tricks or games.

Having a healthy and BALANCES relationship with lots of open communication will be your best prevention to having too many problems in a relationship!

No tricks. Just honesty!

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That is great in theory, but rare in practice. Honesty, loyalty, and communication are my three biggest criteria for a relationship. It's very odd that communication is the hardest to have, at least in my experience.

Reality, That first love is all fireworks and sparklers and we don't have a clue what to do, but feel good. Its also a great teacher if we learn from that first breakup. As we grow and get to know ourselves we don't feel as stupid or caught up in the moment and deal with those breakup a whole lot better and seem to recover a lot more quick, if we remember the earlier lessons, and put on a helmet before we run headfirst into the brick wall. If we don't then we get our heads busted until we do remember that dang gone helmet. But as we go along through life we find the one, who we know is the one, and unfortunately that's when we realise that love is a hell of a lot of work and that helmet ain't helping nothing at all, so we take it off and get our heads busted again, DANG it. Now as I, ME got older and realise oops forgot the dang gone helmet again. Don't run head first into the wall at full speed. Walk up to it and look for the door. You can live without the helmet, but you damn better have a key to the door.

If honesty and communication didn't work for you then there isn't a hope in hell that games and tricks will.

What it might do is 'help' a relationship last a little longer than it would have without the games but eventually it will end in tatters and you'll wish that rather than play those silly games for so long, that both of you were honest and communicated openly with each other!

Check profile and look at questions asked for relationship.

I'm in the middle of a rebound relationship that's falling apart. (we both knew it was a rebound and this isn't a surprise, nor a problem)

So one of my dearest friends, also my third serious girlfriend died the other day. I'm lost and confused as all hell, and my instincts take me to my most recent ex girlfriend to talk about this. I don't think she wants to talk to me, she's seeing another dude, ETC, however I'm completely ON FIRE to talk to her about my life. No contact has been in effect since new year's, my rebound knows she's a rebound and doesn't care about me, so I wouldn't want to talk to her about it, but it's absolutely killing me that I can't talk to the one I care about. Can I break it for this? Or is the independence I maintain going to serve me? I'm still lost.

I had a similar experience. She won't appreciate that you want to talk to her about this. She'll talk to you, she'll help, but she'll look on it as burdensome. Talk to your family, talk to your friends... Don't talk to her.

I'm not really connected with my family. After my ex left me I ran out of friends, I made the mistake of making her my life instead of a part of it.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

I'm not really connected with my family. After my ex left me i ran out of friends, i made the mistake of making her my life instead of a part of it.

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So what does that tell you? No when you need someone you have no one. Whatever you do leave the ex alone. It would be selfish and very inconsiderate to break no contact for any reason and the rebound relationship? Thats who you should be talking to.

Hi Forever,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of this girl. So understandable you want to run and tell the ex, but Forever, it is not a good idea for YOU. To share something so painful and something that hurts you to your heart, with someone, who doesn't cherish the fact that you are sharing that part of you with them, can only do you more harm.

The one you are with now, may be a rebound, but you have had to build some kind of at least a frienship. The important thing is to talk to someone about this pain, but the ex, would not be the one.

We are always here as well Forever. Again, so very sorry.

Allheart

So I'm just checking in for anybody that was paying attention at home, I've learned a few things, I've gone back and forward a couple of times, so here's where I'm at

With the rebound girl

- I don't have any feelings for her, she asserts the same likewise, and the comfort zone of another person is really all we're using each other for right now. It's mostly a friends with benefits situation, and we do sort of help each other out. I've been helping her understand herself better, she's been yelling at me when I don't go to the gym, so it's great. But I sense it's coming to an end soon, as expected, mostly because the void my ex left in my life is only getting filled by me, and I don't think I need somebody else at this moment.


With my life

- Things took a horrible turn for the worst when an important ex of mine died. I sort of turned to binge drinking daily and really did a lot of damage to myself. On the plus side, it was fun to pretend I was happy for a while, but now that's sort of catching up to me. It's been a few weeks of nonstop drinking, and this is finishing up day one of sobriety. I neglected my studies and my health, so I've been putting on weight and undoing all that hard work, and now I get to have the pleasure of working my off to try and catch up. Here's hoping!


With my ex

- The story is out there, last contact I had with her was the day after new years, a few of my friends took my phone and drunk dialed her, unknown to me, she then had her friend call back pretending to be the cops. She apologized the next day and I told her to stay out of my life. 2 weeks ago she had her friend drop off my things, after I told her repeatedly, way back in December to just throw them away, so I'm left with the idea she's at least thinking of me to some extent. I don't think her relationship with the new guy is serious, and I'm sort of feeling the urge to call her. Not really to hear what she has to say, but mostly because I feel like I left a lot of things unsaid. I figure everybody thinks they're in a position of healthiness when they give in and make that call, until they actually do it, then they're worse off, so I'm holding off as long as I can.

The reason I want to talk to her is mostly because this breakup has been unlike any of my others, because there's no one sided feelings. We both feel the same way (in the bad sense) and her problems with me all sound like problems I had with her. The reason I'm not deterred is because they do sound fixable to me. She's saying I wasn't emotionally available/supportive etc, and I felt the same way about her, but the real question is did she want to be? I suppose I do want to listen to what she has to say, but I also suppose I'm not going to believe anything she tells me anyway. I see a lot of potential in the conversation, but realistically I expect nothing but the opportunity to speak my mind once and for all. I also sort of want to keep the peace, we will be seeing each other out and stuff, and between her friends and mine, I see a lot of room for game playing to piss each other off. My friends don't like her, her's don't like me.

I doubt I'll call her though, I'm all talk.

Just a few thoughts to offer...
Hopefully for your sake, you will outgrow the inclination to be in anything with someone you have "no feelings for and vice versa". I think friends with benefits is messed up. I am glad to hear you are not likely to call her. Frankly, until this arrangement changes... "I suppose i do want to listen to what she has to say, but i also suppose i'm not going to believe anything she tells me anyway."... there really isn't any point to anything but the most surface chit-chat, unless of course you like games?

So on valentine's day my roommate accidentally texted my ex with "happy valentine's day what are your plans". She actually responded with her plans. This would be the second time my friends have used my phone and accidentally ended up doing something to her.

I figured after last time I was better off deleting all her contact info from my phone. This time he was texting my rebound, hit cancel instead of backspace, then went looking into the saved drafts to see if the text was preserved. The rebound and my ex both have the same area code/prefix so he found a saved draft of something I apparently started a while back to my ex and there you have it.

Explanations aside, the fact that she responded was a shock to me, so I just came up with something about playing in my snow fort and sent that in response. Problem I have now is that she's willing to talk to me, which is half the reason I haven't attempted to talk to her. I also heard the other day that she's been flirting with guys at the bar and stuff, which normally I'd consider a bad thing, but it's not really, only because she was with another dude like 2 weeks after we broke up. So her new relationship is falling apart and she's off to the next thing. This is a good thing because my theory is that she left me because of the looming spectre of commitment on the horizon, and is looking to just get out there and try different things.

At 22 years old, I'd be lying if I said I thought the relationship would be my last, but I'd also be lying if I said I thought that it was over. The reasons she gave me were shoddy at best, so I'm led to believe it's the panic response I thought it was earlier. Anyway, I'm thinking about giving her a call and seeing what she's up to. I realize it's not healthy, but I'm also a believer of out of sight out of mind, so I'd like for her to not be able to pretend I don't exist. Any thoughts?

Sounds like you're giving her a lot of power over you, again. If you're cool with that, go right ahead.

She loses her power the instant I believe it's over. I haven't been convinced yet, and I sort of think this will be a good opportunity to become convinced. I don't intend to cry and blubber, hell I don't even plan on talking about the relationship. I just want to see where she's at in terms of her coping process, if she seems like she's totally over it and just doesn't care anymore, I'd be satisfied. She doesn't know she has power over me. So I'm hoping for a light conversation that'll clue me in as to what's going on. I realize it's almost 99% certain I'm going to get hurt, but I haven't been hurt enough to begin healing. I've been waiting for this to see if I'm right or not.

Edit: I'm also retarded and this is my first time. So I also expect I'll learn what everybody else learned the same hard way.

This is a really bad idea.

She doesn't know she has power over you? Sure she does. From what she can see, you messaged her out of nowhere, asking about Valentine's Day. Even though it happens to be the truth, "My friend was using my phone and accidentally used your number" is going to sound like a face-saving excuse, cooked up in case things were awkward. She knows it for the wrong reason, but she knows it nonetheless.

Just remember, this isn't her coming back to talk to you. This is both of you being caught up because your friends were being irresponsible. Neither of you really know what's going on here because of that.

Point taken, but in all fairness she has tried to talk to me, and I told her to stay out of my life and stop talking to me. I do see your point, I also know it's a bad idea, which is going to make it that much funnier for other people, but I also feel like I need to do this for me. Know what I mean? I see the consequences, but I also see a potential payoff down the line. I'm probobly too confused to know what's best for me.

Inadvertently "spying" on your ex by way of a careless roommate's use of your phone? TWICE? Oh, please... let me offer my other leg so you can make them match since you're pulling some serious leg here! LOL That's what your ex will be thinking. This is what I'm thinking: games beget games, dude. Have fun!

I'd say that yeah, you're too confused to know what's best for you. On the upside, you've at least got your head on straight enough to accept that this is likely to cause issues, and you're honest enough with yourself to admit that it's probably not the best idea.

I still recommend against it. I can't stress that enough. But if you're set on going through with this, do yourself a favor, and don't go into it with any preconceived ideas of what's going to happen. Let the situation be what it is, don't try to force it, and don't expect anything.

Before you do anything reread all your posts. If you honestly think your course of action makes sense, read again. You have missed a few key things so keep reading until you find it.

Do what your going to do and learn the hard way like everyone else. Your obsessed. Keep getting slammed. Become the crazy ex. That's all it looks like your heading for and no one ever gets back with the crazy ex. She's not interested in you and she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. But by all means let her show you that again!

Rest assured guys, I'm going to laugh so hard when it goes exactly as everybody predicted it would. But at least I'll learn something.

I'm giving her a call later on tonight to see if I can grab lunch with her or something tomorrow. Right now my mindset is that, as much as I'd like to talk about the relationship, it's trivial. As much as I may believe our problems were solvable, it only matters if she believes that herself. So I intend to make no conversation about the relationship, instead my rationale is that if I show her who she fell in love with in the first place, minus all this emotional garbage, that's the best shot I've got at her keeping the door open.

I don't intend to do this to get back with her, I'm mostly interested in removing the awkard air from the situation. I do sort of want her back, but the relationship we had didn't work out for a reason, and a new one anytime soon wouldn't work out either, I'm mostly just trying to prevent her from keeping me out of sight out of mind. Wish me luck.

I still say you're setting yourself up for a fall but all the same, good luck my friend!

Do beware of getting yourself into the same old mess - not of feeling crappy for seeing her, but of getting back into a relationship with all the problems that yours had. Remember also that one good day does not repair the damage done... Even if things follow the most amazingly spectactular path possible that in no way indicates that a single thing has changed. ONly time will tell that. Don't get too high or too low... Again, good luck, and I really mean that.

I don't expect anything really, I'm prepared for the outcome that she ignores my call and doesn't ever reply. I'm also prepared for the outcome she shows up and really just doesn't seem interested and is only there for the sake of not making me upset. I suppose the only outcome I'm not prepared for is success, to be honest.

I know it looks stupid on paper, but I'm not getting my hopes up. The reality of the situation is that in order for me to have a successful relationship with her, we'd have to start over again, not pick up where we left off. I'm not prepared to start over again, and I can only assume she's not either. I wouldn't do anything in the neighborhood of a relationship with her until at the earliest June or July, even then, I'd rather wait till August or so.

Sounds like you've put a lot of planning into reestablishing a relationship with this girl... Sounds a lot like myself!

I really don't have much hope for what you're trying to accomplish, here...

If she left me for reasons that weren't imaginary, I'd agree with you. But nothing she's accused me of seemed to stick for a day or two. She couldn't come up with any good reasons to leave me, which says to me she's just in the mood to get out there and try other things. At 21 years old, I welcome that idea, I just wish she'd show a little more respect when she did it, instead of pretending like I'm abusive.

The reasons she left you are irrelevant. The relevant fact is SHE LEFT YOU! Have you ever thought that she just doesn't like you anymore but didn't have the hearty to say it to you?

Its over. You say you don't really want her back. I think your lying. I think you want her back bad and all this is an attempt to win her back. Been there, done that! Doesn't work! Stupid idea and only halts your progress.

All your best laid plans are pointless and I'm telling you it won't change a thing. Other than you will take a few steps back and feel worse when you realise that she has moved on and you haven't!

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

I don't expect anything really, i'm prepared for the outcome that she ignores my call and doesn't ever reply. I'm also prepared for the outcome she shows up and really just doesn't seem interested and is only there for the sake of not making me upset. I suppose the only outcome i'm not prepared for is success, to be honest.

I know it looks stupid on paper, but i'm not getting my hopes up. The reality of the situation is that in order for me to have a successful relationship with her, we'd have to start over again, not pick up where we left off. I'm not prepared to start over again, and i can only assume she's not either. I wouldn't do anything in the neighborhood of a relationship with her until at the earliest june or july, even then, i'd rather wait till august or so.

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Does all this not read to you like some plan you have formulated in your head to win her back? Sure does to me!! You talk about success and how it looks on paper...

It will be anything but a success in more ways than you realise!

Like I said, the fact that she left me is almost trivial compared to why she did. I don't know why she did. I suspect it has to do with her fear of commitment, but even then, it's only my suspicion. This whole thing is my way of finding out why she left. Importantly, I'm not going to know what I did wrong if I don't know why she left.


There's no winning or being successful in this situation, I'm hoping to find out where I can make the most of what I lost.

That's all you have. Suspicions. You should be able to figure out for yourself why she probably left you if you have done some serious evaluating of yourself and the relationship.

Finding out off her won't change anything. The fact that she has left you remains the same!

Come on.. tell the truth. This isn't about finding out why she left you and all this other stuff your going on about. It is all about trying to get her back isn't it?

You have to remember a lot of us have been here a while and see patterns in peoples beahvior. You wouldn't be the first who was going to try such a stunt and you won't be the last. But I have to warn you that you playing with fire here and you will most probably get burnt!

But perhaps it is a mistake you will have to make in order for you to actually progress some more.

And I would like to know how your friends always seem to end up with your phone texting ex's?? What's going on there?? Sounds like something little school girls do in the playground!

Yea dude, I hear you. I've been reading these threads, and I'd be a moron if I seriously believed that this has never happened to anyone. As far as evaluating myself, the reality of the situation is she left me in November, and I've pretty much dwelled on it since then. I've been getting out there and seeing other girls, I even have a rebound, but no matter how many ways I toy with it, I can't come up with anything but the she panicked about commitment and left. Which is something that will work itself out eventually.

For new years I gave the phone to my friend who owns the house we were at, in another town, so that he could direct my soon to be rebound girl to the house. Afterwards he just kind of drunk dialed every girl on my list to get more girls at the party. After that I deleted her from my contact, and on valentine's day I was sort of done with my rebound and not talking to her, so I just left my phone off in my desk drawer, and my roommate is friends with her, and I drank all his wine, so he got pissed and decided to mess around with her, because he'd been talking to her and she's all trying to get me back and stuff.