It's going to be ridiculously difficult and you may cry and ask yourself what did you do wrong, but it's life miabosworth. Trust me, I'm going through it right now at this very moment with my ex/gf/whatever of, guess what, 4+ years now. It's been 2 weeks now and I swear that first week was hell, but it has actually gotten a bit easier this week. I haven't seen her in almost 2 weeks, but have been talking to her just up until 2 days ago. I had to officially embrace a NC rule myself. I want her back so very bad, but the reality of the situation is that she's gone. Your boyfriend MAY very well miss you like crazy and want to get back with you next week, but be prepared for the worst and try to put it in your head that he's already gone. I've been trying to take my own advice and it's difficult at best.

I read somewhere yesterday that logic and rationale simply can't be used when a significant other wants to break away because feelings and emotions can't be rationalized and held down my logic. The heart wants what it wants. I tried to talk and talk and talk and talk... and talk things out with my ex to no avail. It got to the point where I was actually doing more harm than good because she would get annoyed and pissed at me for constantly talking about the relationship and telling her how much I loved her. I now realize that it's completely out of my power and I just have to leave her the f*** alone and move on with my life. I'm still holding out hope that after a 2-3 weeks of NC that she'll come running back to me, but the reality of the situation is that our relationship is very well done and over with. It's confusing and doesn't make sense to me, but it is what it is. Keep doing what you're doing, no contact with him, focus on yourself and read a few similar questions on here to get even more advice. Just remember that it could always be MUCH worse, you guys could have been married with kids and it could turn out to be your best friend or sister that he left you for, some real Jerry Springer s*** lol.

Haha your right SentientAndroid I guess Im lucky... it could very well have been some jerry springer s***

Im sorry to hear that your going through the same thing, it's difficult isn't it... especially NC.
I did the same thing as you, I tried to talk things through, so many times that I think I made things worse... I even made myself feel worse as I felt guilty and needy for pressuring him into talking about the relationship as he would get annoyed. So I understand what you mean when it comes to logic and rational being non existent when your heart wants what it wants! I tried to think logically and I thought giving him space over the next 2 weeks was better for both of us mentally and emotionally.
Reflecting on things now, I do see that to some degree my relationship was not always good. People always asked me "what are you doing with him?" or "why do you stay?" even I asked myself... these questions! But... my only answers were "I love him" and we "he is not always like this." So.. although I do want him back... to some degree I don't... as time apart has made me see our relationship in a different light... It made me see that it wasn't always as good as I thought. It's still hard though...

He called me! I don't really know what to think of the call to be honest... it was just a general chat to see how "I" was and what I got up to... I kept it short and sweet as he really wasn't supposed to be talking to me.. due to (NC). Was that the right thing to do?. he sounded a bit sad when I ended the call by saying "oh...ok then I'll speak to you next week". What does this call mean?

It means absolutely nothing! He was just checking. Now if you wanted to get facts you should have asked directly without the guessing game fueling curiosity, confusion, and high hopes.

Now your focus, and resolve has been interupted and side tracked.

Your right... I didn't really want to get any false hope... and get hurt all over again in the end. That's why I thought it was best to kept the call short...

I got asked out tonight to go to a party with this guy friend... Thing is he likes me.. as more than a friend! Should I go? BUT AS A FRIEND! Or is that considered as leading him on... considering he knows I'm practically single... I want to go out to have some fun... but not if it means I'm leading him on by saying yes... as I'm not looking for anything right now.

It's coming up to the end of the 2 week break and I have to speak to him Saturday and I really don't know what to say to him... I'm so confused :-s and I'm feeling very differently about the relationship. I feel as though I do not want the relationship anymore especially after how much I got hurt, I just don't think I could forgive him for that. However I do miss him.

I find the whole thing very strange and confusing... I mean how can my feelings have changed so quickly... Is this normal!

Its normal for intense feelings to confuse us, and its important what actions we take because of them. You could always skip this two week meet up, until you are NOT confused, or have a plan for yourself you know!

Just saying.

You really don't have to speak to him, or tell him you'd prefer continuing the break up.
You are getting over him but you are unsure. That's normal.
Continue the break up but don't put a timetable on it. Just call it quits with NC

I may have some conflicting advice, but I say talk to him Saturday. What's the worse that can happen? The NC has already been broken. Relationships are crazy. I saw my ex this past Monday (because I had to) and she gave me a hug and told me how good I looked :/ I officially stopped being a whiny chump last week asking about "us" and have been talking to her as just a friend for about a week and a half now. What's crazy is that she's been going out of her way to call and text me first... like everday. I answer and respond, but I don't make the effort to be the first to call or text her. I also feel that she's lying and making s*** up to make it appear that she's incredibly happy and can do well without me, which is understandable I suppose.

It's just crazy how 2 weeks ago she was getting annoyed and telling me that she's over me that she's going to get her number changed, but once I decide to pull back and just be her "friend" she's the one initiating 90% of our conversations and talking to me every night before bed. It feels as if I've been talking to her more over these last couple of weeks now that we're apart more than I've talked to her over the last month that we were together. I don't get it.

So I am meeting him today... but he says I can see him on Tuesday instead as he isn't at work so he'll have more time rather than tonight which will be a rush. Do you think it's a good idea to see him today or shall I wait..

I don't understand the meaning of the meeting. If he tells you he has decided he wants you back, are you going to go back to him?
If you think you want to break up permanently, just tell him that and be done with it. It does not take a lot of time.
I certainly would not let him control the situation.

The only reason to wait would be desperation for a positive outcome. I see no point in HIS timetable, or conditions and I follow the rule that make sense.

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped, disappear from their lives.

Its really simple, he is the one to come to YOU!! Not at his time and pace, YOURS, Mia!! Why because you are the only one fighting, wishing, hoping suffering! Do nothing, and let him do ALL the work!

I don't get it either.. he says it's been hard not having me in his life after 4yrs. Then he says when we meet up things will be different... so I can't gauge what he is thinking tbh. I've been acting like Ive moved on and happy. Im meeting him because I'm curious as to what he's thinking.. I have no hopes of reconciliation as I don't want to ruin my recovery, plus I'm still really hurt.
What do you mean by not letting him control the situation? How do I stop him from doing that?

You control it by saying "there is no reason to meet, I have moved on and you should too"
He left you, now he wants to come and go at will, check on you at will. That is him controlling the situation.

I see what you mean by that. Do you think he is using me as an emotional crutch by contacting me as he pleases? He says he is pretty lonely and bored but says he's OK with it and that he is surprised I'm so OK and happy and its good that I'm not moping around like most people do. I don't get what he means, is he trying to hint something or is he playing with my head?

It may be innocent, or unintentional, but look at your worry over this. You have no clue what to believe, or what to expect. As a matter of fact, I bet your own confusion has grown and you think us strangers can possibly know what's on the mind of your ex?

That's the ultimate in desperate confusion, and why we say take YOUR own time getting your head, heart, and direction straight, and not depend on him to do it for you. That would be taking control of yourself, and the situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by miabosworth

I He says he is pretty lonely and bored but says he's OK with it and that he is surprised I'm so OK and happy and its good that I'm not moping around like most people do.

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Read what he says, not what you maybe want him to say. He lonely and bored but he's OK and he thinks it's good that you are too. He is moving on and you should too, but if communicating with him sets you back, don't do it.

I know what I need to do! But my mixed feelings are affecting my judgement. It's hard.. but I have to see him... to get closure at least. We respect each other enough to do things face to face.

What closure are you looking for?

Closure on the relationship to talk things through now we have a clear head and some reflection and better emotional stabilty. Hopefully be on good terms in the end if things go that way. I hate the idea of any bad feelings between us... even though I'm hurt by it all.

Closure is in acceptance of the situation. Its going to hurt if its not the situation you want, and you will love it if it is. Such is the way of life.

So good luck.

I've accepted that it's over.. like you advised me to do. So I either way it goes I'm not fussed anymore.
As I know deep down that I shouldn't be wasting my love and time on someone who doesn't feel the same about me as I do about them...

I saw him and I didn't let him control the situation... like you advised and things went interestingly. I said I was over the relationship and it threw him off.. he was surprised. He said he is still attracted to me and is now asking to spend time with me and wasn't vocal on how he felt about the relationship... in fact he was very quiet! I don't really know what to do with that! Good or bad idea?

You have said what you mean, ("I said i was over the relationship"), Now mean what you say. You do that by ending the conversation, and stopping any more confusion. Disappear an do your thing.

Lets be clear, because he wants to spend time when he wants to but wants no commitment. Surely you can see that a serious relationship has been demoted to casual status. That's friends, OR friends with benefits. You disappear to allow the healing to START properly now, so you can make decisions based on facts, and not just confused feelings.

That means NO CONTACT!! NONE!! No more BSing, or piddling around with false hope, closure, and justification to NOT build a life without this fellow. No more half stepping!!!!

Ok well I guess I have pretty much messed it up! We slept together 2 times tonight it was the most amazing sex we've had but... now I feel sooo... ashamed and easy as I am not the type to ever sleep around or with someone I'm not committed to and worst of all... my feelings for him have resurfaced and all that... healing... has been undone! And I stupidly want him back again! (havent told him this) I swear there is something wrong with me, I can't be strong and never see him again!

I think I have to tell him straight that what happened can never happen again! As it complicates things... I don't think we can be friends right now... too soon.

Some of us learns things the easy way. Some the hard way. I suppose if you learn that's what counts. Have you??

I hope you know you need to get off the Roller Coaster unless you are willing to have a friends with benefits relationship with him

I've definitely learnt! The emotional turmoil associated, isn't worth putting myself through! Plus I value myself too much to allow myself to ever be treated like... "just a body".

Let it go, no point in trying to build something that both of you are not wanting.

Today has been tough day. It's a month today since we split and It is truly sunking in now and... it hurts all over again.
This break up is a rollercoaster of emotions... that never seems to stop! I just want to forget about him! But life's never that easy now, is it... there's always shades of grey.

Starting the healing process over from scratch is truly hard. That's not a grey area.

He contacted me today, we got into an argument. He just started verbally attacking me, telling me about my personality flaws and he said he wants the person he is with "to be perfect because that is the type of person I am". He says physically I'm perfect! Which is an insult! I'm not just a body!

He thinks I still want him back... which I don't! I feel like I never knew him especially after the things he said! Like how he managed to date me... "over all the other guys who thought they were better than him and wanted to date me" it just makes me feel like I was some ****ing trophy to rub in others face! It's sick! Like the last 4 yrs were all lies! I feel like a fool! L absolutely hate him now. This hurts more than the initial break up.

I told him I never want to speak to him again!

But he emailed me apologising saying he didn't want to loose me as he cares about me a lot and wants me in his life!

Why are you still communicating with this guy?

Just break up with him

I deleted his number so there was no caller ID so when he called I didn't know it was him.

I want him out of my life... he is cruel and selfish for the things he said and did. He just keeps coming back in my life, one way or another, and I don't know why!

Mia... you won't live up to his unrealistic expectations of you. You don't hear from him, and when you do, he says unkind things, and you end up in an argument. He doesn't know what he wants, but you are safe and familiar, so he keeps coming back... only to cause you more pain.

Time to tell him that HE is not what you want in a relationship and that you want no further contact with him. Then stick to it. Do not answer calls if you don't know the number. If you happen to by accident, simply tell him "I've moved on, I wish you well, good-bye" and hang up. Don't get into a conversation with him.

In time it will get easier and you will meet someone who treats you how you want to be treated.

Yes his expectations are unrealistic! I have always believed that Love and relationships are about taking the good with the bad. I accepted his tiny flaws because they didn't matter in comparison to all the things I used to like about him. Because no one is 100 % "perfect" people have flaws, that's life.

But what is bothering me is the things he says are flaws like, he thinks that I am too forgiving! Which last time I checked! Being able to forgive others isn't a bad thing!

Do you think that I should send him a message telling him that he isn't what I want in a relationship, letting him know that he isn't 100% perfect either, no one is! And how I'll find someone else who'll treat me better and that I want no further contact?

I don't want to be nasty to him because I know I will feel guilty afterwards but I feel like maybe, I need to stick up for myself...

Stick up for yourself with more words?? Words he doesn't listen to, or believe? Are you crazy or something? That keeps this BS going!

You need actions, you have said what you mean, now do the action, and mean what you say. You want him out of your life, then mean it, and do it ignore, hang up, move on. Your guilt is misdirected. I bet hanging up on him with nothing said will relieve the guilt of not standing up for yourself.

You are just mad because you can't get the last word, and have him acknowledge it. Actions will speak louder.

Yes I agree, I think the only thing that'll get through to him is actions. As far as I'm concerned... I have no connection to him anymore. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. As time passes I realise how bad he really was for me, I feel more happy without him, but at the same time, sometimes I feel lonely. But you realise that you can fix that feeling of loneliness by finding someone new to love.