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But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this.

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Be as straight forward as possible. Short, simple and to the point while not appearing cold or as if you are cutting her off. Negotiate what is comfortable for her and be flexible about it. She may have a lot of questions. Answer only those that seem appropriate with short "I statements" (has your counselor covered that with you yet?) while not engaging in debate. One way to stop a conversation is to simply acknowledge the sadness too - "I know this is hard on both of us." Repeat that statement as often as necessary. If she holds your stuff "hostage", then it may be wise to buy new stuff and change the locks instead, depending on $ value vs hassle/trauma, of course. :(

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I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a scene.

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IF she does this, tell her to meet you after work at _____ time and _____ place and request that she leave immediately. Again short, simple and to the point. Remember her actions reflect on her, not you. IF she doesn't comply, let security or whoever deals with unwanted visitors take over. If that is you, escort her out and state again that you will meet her later. Then walk away.

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I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone.

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Now you are beginning to see.. . We all play a part in what takes place in our lives. Its good to be aware of what your part is. It is really only there, in our part, that the most effective change can take place. But from what I have learned, to change ME is to sometimes change the whole world! :)

Good posting.

(... and totally unrelated: I finally figured out the "quote, response, quote, response" thingy - does the "I Did It" Dance around the site... woo hoooo! LOL) :p

I hear where you are coming from. I am going through an emotional nightmare myself right now. I would advise that if you are not totally committed then take a little break to find yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy with the decision you make in the end. I truly feel you need to be secure with yourself before you can involve others espically if it means a lifelong commitment. I too am so afraid of being alone that I can't see the positive things out of my situation but I am working on it. At least now I know what they are.

I don't know where your located but you might be able to have someone from law enforcement do a stand by while you get your things out of her house... If she shows up at work then I think I might see about getting a restraining order. Just to be on the safe side so that you don't loose your job.

It's too bad you can't sit down and tell her what drove you away and wha tshe needs to work on.

I do, in your situation, believe a break is good.


Hopefully she is smart enough to let you be for a while. I think you just need to ask her for this.

I would hope she listens... maybe she will change as well.

Hi all,
I have posted several times before about my situation. I am having a hard time breaking up with my girlfriend. I start to pull away and take care of myself, get strong, hang out with my family and friends and than bam, I get scared and lonely and give into her. She says something and I get sucked back into the relationship. Then I think, I am not a spring chicken and start wondering, " will I ever find anyone else". I know I have a lot to offer someone, but I'm scared. I have been intensely working on myself and trying to get in touch with my feelings through therapy and other spiritual work.
I suppose I have abandonment issues I need to look at. My friend said to stop beating myself up and except the fact that it is a "process". I am building up the strength to leave her. I don't know why leaving her is so difficult for me.
I know I have no future with her. She drains me,every time I talk to her.
I don't want to go find someone else to make this break up easier. I want to do it healthy. Help, why can't I do this??

Put it this way... the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to break up with her.
In your previous post you said you been with this girl for 2 years now, am I right?
You know you have no future with her and you stated that she drains you every time you talk to her, so you surely don't love her. Do u think she loves you?
There is no nice way of breaking up with someone, if that may help!

I have been with her for one year. Yes, she loves me A lot. I saw her last night I was hoping that my feelings would come back, but they didn't. I can't stand this. My family keeps telling me how wonderful she is, and that they don't understand why I wouldn't want to be with her. They don't see this "other side of her".

Your not happy buddy, I can just see it.
Why make this worse on yourself eh? Be strong and talk to her.
Tell her you fell out of love, and its not fair on you and even on her to be in a relationship which you see no future in.

What's her other side?

Other side meaning: insecure, manipulative, jealous, smothering, etc.

Break up with her, what's the point in furthering this relationship when there is 1 side love only and besides explain to her that its neither fair on her that this relationship goes on as you fell out of love.
Breaking up is never easy and there is no nice way of doing so unless it's a mutual decission.
Pack up the courage... and do it! :)
Good Luck

Wow Dude, that's just so tough... BUT in longer term relationships you do go thorugh phases of not being totally in love. It can come and go.

She needs more re-assurances from YOU though. I am sure you give her a lot of reasons you might leave.

Its true what you say wildcat, but if these phases are temporary and short-term then its OK but if they're not then I suppose you know the answer!

SIR_ you need to make up your MIND, and stop making excuses. You a re just dragging this woman in your wake and its not fair. She is paying the price for you being wishy washy and going and coming back. You need to take a look at your actions and if YOU don't want to change then shut-up and be miserable, if you truly had enough you would have been gone and left the poor girl to her own life. Sorry to be harsh and blunt but your actions are dragging everyone down! :cool: :mad: :mad: :mad: :eek:

Yeah, it is kind of strange you went back to her so soon. WHy put her through that?

I don't think we ever officially broke up. Thank you for your words but, I already feel like crap guys.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

SIR_ you need to make up your MIND, and stop making excuses. You a re just dragging this woman in your wake and its not fair. She is paying the price for you being wishy washy and going and coming back. You need to take a look at your actions and if YOU don't want to change then shut-up and be miserable, if you truly had enough you would have been gone and left the poor girl to her own life. Sorry to be harsh and blunt but your actions are dragging everyone down!!:cool: :mad: :mad: :mad: :eek:

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Couldn't comment on your post but wanted to add - how true!

:cool: I didn't write the doggone post to add to your misery I wanted you to get off the pity pot and get some action. That's the only way you'll feel better about yourself!

I agree! I break from her for a month at least and then see how you feel. You need to breath.

I have to agree with Wildcat and talaniman on this one. It's not fair to her for you to keep dragging your feet. You've already decided you have no future together. Your constant coming and going is probably leaving her hoping that you'll eventually come around and that the two of you will stay together. She deserves to know the truth. Actually even a little bit of "tough love" may be in order here. You have your reasons for not wanting to stay with her and, accepting what you say at face value, they're good reasons. Someone probably needs to point out to her how she drives people away by being clingy, smothering, controlling, etc. Being honest with her could pave the way to her doing a little self-improvement and making better her chances of eventually having a successful relationship with someone else. That's actually a lot more kinder than the approach you've been taking with continually stringing her along, giving her false hopes. Think it over. If you need some pointers on what to say to her we could help you out with that as well.

You have said in the past how miserable you are with her. Isn't this enough to prove that there is only one option at this point? You have acknowledged that you need time to work on yourself. Please go and take this time.
People aren't trying to make you feel like crap. They are simply seeing a situation that you yourself are describing and giving you the best adivce they can based on the information. It is up to you whether you want to act on this advice.

Good luck.

Thank guys,
Sorry if I am super sensative right now. How can I tell her I need a months break when I can't even get a day? My family thinks I am crazy. They thought I finally found someone "Normal", and now this!

You sound insecure with yourself... why do you care what your family thinks? I know they are related but you should be proud of who you are and your actions! And you previously stated that your girlfriend manipulated you... NO ONE can make anybody do or think something by force so don't use that as an excuse. Hears what woman love... A MAN... get yourself together and face her with the truth, it is the best thing for the BOTH of you.

You don't have to tell anyone any thing except your mother -tell her to marry your g/f and have a happy life! Then go fishing or "bear hunting in the Alaskan wilderness and leave enough food for the FISH -3MONTHS should do it!! :cool:

CRUEL< BUT FAIR!:cool: :rolleyes:

Just ball up and do it.
It is just like when you take a band-aid off you do it all at once not a little bit at a time.

Heyy

Although I was not the one who did the breaking up, my boyfriend left me like 2 months ago. We were together 2 years. I loved him a lot... at first I could not understand how he could do it... he broke my heart... but now, as I am healing I realized that he needed to improve himself- and I was holding him back from doing that in his eyes. It will hurt her- but you deserve to be happy- if she's draining you- you need to say goodbye- it will hurt, you will be lonely sometimes ( trust me), but if its what you need to better yourself then do it- life is too short to be unhappy and to live with what ifs. Breaking up is not an easy thing, and there is no fairy tale break up. You just need to get up the courage and do it for yourself- be truthful, and do this for you... my boyfriend told me when he was breaking up with me that he felt that I held him back and that he was unhappy- and you know what? I knew it but I just didn't accept it- what I'm getting at is, please don't drag this out- you will only hurt this girl in the end. Goodluck and I hope this helped- u can message me anytime if you want to talk.

Don't stop those therapy sessions. You still need at least a good twenty hours to work on your fear.

You need not only to get away from her, but (sorry to say) you need to get away from your family. Have they always tried to control your life? They must really be bored with their own lives to want to take control over yours.

If you get antsy sitting alone, visit friends, make a few phone calls, or go somewhere that does not remind you of her.

You really need to ween yourself off her and start wanting to be alone with yourself. This is your main issue, so find out why and 'fix' it.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif You might have a lot to offer others, but check out what you offer yourself - if you don't like that, then you need to learn to be your own best friend.

Hey Guys,
Update... I was doing real good. I got strong and didn't answer her calls/texts etc. then WHAM! I had a crappy day, gave in, and we talked. One thing lead to the next and we ended up in bed. I told her I cared about her but, I didn't want a committed relationship with her.
She basically gave me a ultimatum and said " I was a typical guy", why buy the cow if I can get the milk for free". She said she wanted me to move in and if I didn't we were done.
I know I made a mistake by sleeping with her again. I got weak. It sucked. She totally degraded me buy saying some crappy things to me. She still has my key, my clothes and some other stuff. I'm so done. Why did I go back. I am so pissed.

We all make mistakes and we all have to lay in the bed that we make. The important thing is that you've realised that you did make a mistake and now you have to figure out a way to fix it. Fixing, meaning you need to get your posesions back. You need to at least set up a time to come and get your things from her house. She has given you the ultimatum and you know where you stand now. I would "make an appointment" to get your stuff back and be done with it.

Learning precisely where oneself is a part of a particular problem always comes at a price and always feels bad initially - everyone eventually gets to experience this one, if they are lucky! There is nothing worse than self anger. But here is the prize in this cracker jack box... you are learning the lesson and won't have to learn it again (unless of course you want to, LOL). And that really is worth something! And kudos for you too for learning it! It may even be worth not getting some clothes back; they are replacable after all, should it come to that.

At least NOW I hope you know it's over with her. Keep that in your head.

I really don't like the ultimatums, bad things she said... sounds controlling.

End it. No more contact.

I promise you 1000% in few months some great will come along. Work on yourself now and figure out why you were so weak.

I can't rep Val... but I agree - forget the clothes... change the locks.

Wow, so you messed up, huh? Welcome to the human race. We've all messed up one relationship or another, and gained something along the way.

There is nothing wrong with being human, being lonely, and angry at yourself. That shows that you know you did wrong, will probably never do that again, but you had to in order to gain the experience that stays with you for life.

And yes, since she did give you an ultimatum, stick to it, get your stuff and then get out.

On your way to the next relationship, make a pitstop alone at home and review what you've been through and what you've learned. This will probably deter you from rushing into another 'trap'.

Until you know yourself better and set goals for yourself you'll continuously be a 'crash-dummy' on life's road. So, please, stop and reflect.

All the best,

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
Think, was one night of sex that satisfying? If so, check out which 'head' of yours is in control of your life.

By Chery

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Think, was one night of sex that satisfying? If so, check out which 'head' of yours is in control of your life

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That is a darned good question!

I've messed up many relationships... or she has... it's best in everyone of them we did not get married or what ever. YOU HAVE TO WANT O WORK AT IT. BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO BE READY AND WANT TO WORK AT IT. IT DOESN'T COME EASY AS PEOPLE THINK. Believe me. It takes time to fall in REAL love. It takes time - people don't get that. You have to be willing to listen to them!!

Falling in lust or smitten or infatuation isn't love... never was... 3 months into a relationship- isn't love... real love takes 6 months or a year. You have to be willing to give into your partners weird quirks, up brings, ways, communication etc. - or it won't work.

There are lots of nice people in the world but it doesn't mean you want to marry them all. There was nothing in your initial post that told me why you would want to be with this woman, only why you wouldn't. Not only will her children never go away, nor should they, but neither will her smothering or neediness. You think it's bad now, try being married to that. Relationships with smothering, needy, clingy people don't work, ever, and that's not going to change in 6 months or 6 years. She is not the one for you and until you put your ex in the past where she belongs, no one is.

I am in the middle of getting over one now. At least that's What I think it was.
IT HURTS!!
Now he is going for his 2nd wife again.
Take care hun

My girl was with a friend of hers after about 3 weeks of being single. We were together for 4.5 years. They have been together for about 3-4 months now.

Also I know of another relationship I heard about that the guy left, got with the girl and last I heard they have been together for over 5 years.

Rebound is also not usually for the dumper, but rather for the person being dumped. Incidentally why I refuse to get into any real relationship for a while, I want to be sure.

Hi everyone,
Long time... Wanted to check in.
Here's my question. If you know someone is not good for you. If you know you don't want to ever live with them, if you know you have no future with them, if you know their toxic, co-dependent, jealous, clingy and messy, If you know that you can do better, why does it still hurt to break up with them?
I was still lingering in this relationship and I knew I was not happy. My needs were not being met. She didn't understand my recovery process from alcohol and every time I stepped out to "take care" of myself, she took it as I didn't want to be with her. I explained that it's not like I'm going to a strip joint with my friends, or out partying, I was just "taking care of myself".
I tried to explain that I have to put my recovery first. She just wanted me with her 24/7. Didn't want me to have friends or a life outside of the relationship. Demanded specific NIGHTS that I would be with her. She was really demanding and controlling. So, I ended it, but my question is why does it hurt so bad when I know it wan't good for me?
I know when one door closes another one opens. But, it still hurts.
Thanks ahead of time for the advise.
Hope this get easier...

Time will heal, don't worry :)

It also seems that you have emotional issues of yourself to deal with, and momentarily you are probably mixing this emotions up.

When did u break with up with her? Recently?

Yes, just this weekend. Emotional issues with myself?