Whew! Be strong. You don't want us to be mad at you. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by KeyNozomi
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Whew! Be strong. You don't want us to be mad at you. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by KeyNozomi
I think its more out of cowardess that I won't talk to him instead of strength, afraid if I did that I'd lose him for good..
We will help you turn your cowardice into strength.Quote:
Originally Posted by KeyNozomi
So you are hoping NC will make him miss you?
I don't know.. Hope it helps him do what he needs to do so he can be here when I need him... Think he misses me.. I hope it encourages him to come back. Hope it shows him I can give him space and time if he needs it and shows how much I love him, even though NC hurts..
NC is supposed to hurt, or allow you to feel the hurt, cope with it in productive ways so the healing can start. In this way you can start regaining your strength, and self confidence to make good decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings.
We each have our own timetable, or pace of recovery when good thinking can replace thinking through intense feelings, and most of us don't even recognize the way our feelings make our thoughts, and therefore actions, affect us.
You have been so distracted by your hurt, and consumed by your loss, you haven't been able to see things as clearly as you should. But in time you will stop putting your want for him above your need for yourself, and see the reality of your situation, and then maybe this so perfect mate will be shown to be the not so perfect person he is.
I don't know if you are ready to hear this or not, but its pretty obvious you need him a lot more than he needs you, and it's a BIG red flag when a partner needs space when going through trauma, when most disasters or bad times actually draw healthy couples together, not apart.
That's why you need the time for your dust to settle, to get your objectivity back, and see what was not quite right about this relationship that would lead a partner to push the other away, and destroy the chance to grow together.
When you get your objectivity back, you may find that him not letting you in to support him through his trials is only a symptom of a bigger disconnect, and while hurtful, is no one fault, just the signal that the differences in the two of you is growing. Probably has been for a while. Recent events have just brought what was hidden to light. I think once your objectivity, has come back, and your emotions are under better control, you may see that yourself, and act to protect yourself better. That's what healing brings to us, the ability to see and deal with what life has thrown at us.
That's what NC is really about, coping with yourself, so you can see reality, and make good decisions for yourself.
How do I calm this feeling in the pit of my stomach? Been happening since the break but right now I can't sit still.
I don't know for sure but I think this feeling and my breakdown yesterday are because I'm the type of person who takes time to heart (like when someone says they'll be over in "30 minutes" I expect them to be here after exactly 30 minutes or before or I get really nervous) and because last Friday he'd said "a week".
I'm trying to think objectively and if he does come back I won't let it get to the point where I rely totally on him. I think I might sit him down and try to explain some things and how I'd like them to be different. Also, I don't think I'll give as much to him and stop the neediness, improve my confidence. I hated my feelings this week so I want to improve my self-esteem so I don't feel like that again. And I'll start working on that now when I figure out a way.
Actually, saying that made me feel better :)
*update*
Woke up this morning to two messages..
First message was from my exboyfriend's friend (I'll say ex now... it hurts but I guess it's true until CP comes back, if he does). In the message, his friend told me he'd given CP his old phone and it should be active in a few days if I wanted to contact him.
I told him that I didn't want to push CP to comeback. The break was his choice, he chooses when to end it and when to talk to me.
The second message accompanied by a friend request was from a guy who has been chasing me since freshman year of high school, JC (come fall I'll be a college sophomore). What he had to say was that we could "at least" be friends and that he needed me in his life. Which is funny because the last time he tried to add me in May he said he would *never* get over me (my condition for being friends). He's the kind of guy who when I talked about my (now ex) boyfriend that would tell me to act like he didn't exist. I never complied with this and finally kicked him after he went on a Facebook status rant about me and his cousin called me a "ba po" (which means something akin to "*****" in Cantonese). I deleted him for good after asking his cousin on the status "if I'm such a ba po, why would I have to get him to stay away from meth and into rehab when DK (JCs brother) called me in the middle of the night scared out of his mind JC was going to do something stupid?" This had happened a year or so before.
Anyway, when I saw JCs message I responded that if CP came back I'd consider being friends. Fairly certain DK told JC I'd been "single" for a week and trying to "at least be friends" was JCs way of trying to take advantage of my supposed vulnerability, which I don't feel, and be a rebound guy.
Anyway, sorry for the massive rant.
You're doing well. Continue the NC. No, don't be a rebound (JC). It's time to circle the wagons around yourself and get yourself strong and happy and be the beautiful person we know you are.
Ah I wasn't going to rebound >_< I just got the impression that JC's desperate enough that he'd approach me wanting to be my friend in order to take advantage of the situation. Like I said, I don't feel the need to be comforted by a guy. In that way I think I am less insecure (tal called me on being insecure) than I used to be because a year or so ago I probably would have talked to another guy or bought what JC said.
I'm going to assume that the two of you would object to me leaving him a message tomorrow asking if he needs more time?
You know us well!!Quote:
Originally Posted by KeyNozomi
Of course, it's your life and your choice. I personally believe your calling him would be a big mistake.
If you aren't hearing from him, what is that telling you?
Why should you leave him a message? Hasn't his silence and absence told you something you need to know?
Okay, you want to do this the hard way, call him and tell him "times up shat or get off the pot".
If you are going to break NC, at least don't half step about it!!
Not hearing from him might tell me that he needs more time or that he really doesn't want to talk to me/have anything to do with me.
My idealistic, hypothetical, stupidly hopeful response as to why I might send him a message:
The way I see it is that if I sent him a message then he could choose whether to reply or not. So there's a 50/50 chance that he replied because he wanted to reply depending on how he'd respond and how many times. If he responded kindly and asked how I was doing, etc, then I could suppose that he's grateful without words that I've been giving him time (especially if he told me how he was doing, if he was getting better or not)and he may be genuinely curious as to how I am.
Regardless, what do I really have to lose by trying to talk? Yes, he may completely reject me but if he were intending to do that anyway... wouldn't it be better to know that now instead of waiting and pining away any longer so I can truly force myself to get back up on my feet?
Anyway, completely hypothetical. Still trying to decide whether to do it or not.
Wake up call-I think you consider yourself rejected and get on with your life.
The limbo stage of the so called breaks is not a good place to be.
Find the selfrespect needed to let this go and leave him to his ''breaks''.
Its up to you how you proceed, but you HAVE been rejected already. Give it more thought.
I got weak and broke NC last night. Called him but thankfully he didn't answer.. Sent him a message on fb saying "Sorry for calling, i shouldn't have. just wanted to say thank you for the last 2 years. I'm sorry it got so bad you had to indirectly dump me and i'm sorry for being so stupid I didn't see it til now. I guess I was so scared of rejection that I ignored it when it happened. So now I'm facing it. Goodbye."
Dramatic, yes.. but again, weak state.
I wasn't really expecting a reply and JC (guy who's be chasing me for 5 years who contacted me the other week wanting to "at least be friends" and who is sadly the only person I have to talk to) said I should probably hope I wouldn't get one because I wouldn't want it. He's probably been making me more confused and depressed the past week than I would be on my own because I'll say something to him, needing to talk to a friend, and then he'll make me feel even more ****ty since I've been rejecting him for 5 years. Rejecting him with good reason, he's fairly unstable and has said some really terrible things to me in the past. In the process of trying to find someone else to talk to.
Anyway... I looked this morning and saw that I had received a message. Of course wasn't really expecting anything good and still don't know what to make of the one I got:
"Key, I'm not indirectly dumping you... I want to hang out soon. Just dont be depressed, okay?
Its just right now what i need is to change myself. And I dont know what I'll want in the end..
Just for now do whatever you want. I need time. If you want to move on from me then do it. But understand im going through something that I need to go through for myself and for other people. Date do whatever. Hopefully I'll see you soon though."
Anyway, don't really know what to make of it. Is he saying he didn't dump me? And about the dating thing; I've told him a couple times that I have no intention of dating anyone. In fact, guys are really the last thing on my mind right now. I don't know what he's doing though, I haven't asked because I guess it's none of my business anymore, but he's said that he wasn't thinking about it.
So... still waiting for a change. In the meantime: removing pictures from phone and putting away some of the things he's given me that are really important to me. I'm giving him time but I'll also use that time for myself to kind of get back up on my feet and make myself better for the future, whether it's with him or not.
The change has to come from within you-not from anyone or anywhere else.
Make n e w friends and don't hang out with depressive people with hidden agendas.
And go back to NC.
Yes you do. Its over, but you haven't accepted that FACT!Quote:
Anyway, don't really know what to make of it.
No he is saying its over!! Of course he dumped you! How can you read anything else into it?Quote:
Is he saying he didn't dump me?
"Key, I'm not indirectly dumping you... I want to hang out soon. Just dont be depressed, okay?
Its just right now what i need is to change myself. And I dont know what I'll want in the end..Just for now do whatever you want. I need time. If you want to move on from me then do it. But understand I'm going through something that I need to go through for myself and for other people. Date do whatever. Hopefully I'll see you soon though."
You seem to have heard only the blue highlighted text, and ignored the red. The blue is what gives you false hope, the red is the facts.
He doesn't care what you do, he said that. If he doesn't care, its over for sure.Quote:
and about the dating thing; I've told him a couple times that I have no intention of dating anyone. In fact, guys are really the last thing on my mind right now.
All that matters is what you do for yourself.Quote:
I don't know what he's doing though, I haven't asked because I guess it's none of my business anymore, but he's said that he wasn't thinking about it.
Stop waiting and make changes on the things you can control, and that's you, your thinking, and your actions.Quote:
So... still waiting for a change.
That's a great start in a good plan of action... so far. NO CONTACT with him is the NEXT step you have to keep.Quote:
In the meantime: removing pictures from phone and putting away some of the things he's given me that are really important to me.
That would be a good step in the right direction... for now, until you can stop waiting for him.Quote:
I'm giving him time but I'll also use that time for myself to kind of get back up on my feet and make myself better for the future, whether it's with him or not.
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