Some days are tough,others less so-and before you know it every day will be a perfectly fine day.

Hang in there!

Ok, she called me this morning and I was in shock and answered the phone. She wanted to know how I was doing and give me some information about a phone contract I closed couple of weeks ago(she knows I'm a dork with that lol). It was actually a pretty funny conversation, but now I want to talk to her again and that's just impossible. Strange how NC is always the best solution.

I should not have picked up the phone but I was in shock haha. Now I will try and go back to NC again.
Probably will see her tonight at the gym for a group work out. I'll just say ''hi'' and keep doing my thing.

Just wanted to let you people know!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Vakantie

will see her tonight at the gym for a group work out. I'll just say ''hi'' and keep doing my thing.

---

I am very disappointed. With Caller ID, you still answered the phone??

No, do not even say hi. How about going to the gym when you know she won't be there?

You were in shock before the phone rang..!

So you answered it?

Who are you kidding?

No contact!

Yeah shouldn't have anwered it.. I just didn't know what to do, it was my first time haha. Won't happen again!
And I wish I don't have to go this evening, but I'm giving that work out so I have to go..

So I won't make any contact by myself, but what should I do if she comes talking to me? Still don't say anything? Or give her really short answers?

Thanks for the quick reply! :)

Yeah sounds real bad doesn't it.. Maybe I was just a bit happy that she thought of me and called me. Going back to NC and won't be picking up any phones.

Thank you for the quick reply! Was thinking about calling her, but you made it (again) certain for me that it is not allowed to call her!

Phones are not your friends at the moment so stay away from them!!

Change your gym while you're at it!! :-)

You can make this easier on yourself by consistently following the guidelines for No Contact, or you can drag it out by giving in to contacts. The latter will keep you in misery for a much longer time. You are in control of what you do and how you decide to proceed. How good would it feel to put this all behind you, concentrate on improving yourself and your life, and eventually finding a mutually satisfying relationship? Seems like a no-brainer to me.

You can see that it was a mistake to answer the phone. When the phone rings now, take a moment to see who is calling before you answer. If it is her, let it go to voicemail. If there are still things you need to sort out (like the phone plan she called about), she can leave you a message. Better yet, proactively clean up anything like that which may exist. Don't give her a reason to call.

It's not unusual to have setbacks. The question is how you deal with them. If you make smart choices, the process is so much easier.

Thank you for the great reply! Mornings are tough for me, so to come online here and read a great reply like this really helps me out!

I'm starting to figure out how to handle my own business and not thinking about what she's up to this day. Picking up the phone yesterday was a bad choice, but I know I will not be doing it a second time before I figured out my own life. I have to focuss on myself and finding a new way of life without her. Even though I picked up the phone yesterday, this is my 4th day without contacting her by myself and I thought I wouldn't even be able of doing that.

I'm actually finding some joy again in the things I used to love. Slowly I'm getting were I need to be and I highly appreciate all the comments/feedback you all are giving me. Without that I still would be a total mess.

It's a journey,Vakantie,and you're doing well-soon you'll not even remember how many days you've done NC!

That's one of the great things about this website. There are a lot of wise people willing to give you help and willing to support you when you need it, especially when you show you are listening and making progress. We've all been there and we know it is tough. We are hoping to help you make the process easier. I can tell you I spent endless hours on here reading when I was struggling. There is a wealth of info here, and not just about breaking up. I even found comfort in reading the Humor section. I probably spent time in almost all of the forums. It kept me out of trouble and I learned so much, plus I made some good friends along the way. Most importantly, I got past my struggles and now have a wonderful life.

It's just another tool for you, along with your friends, family, school, sports, hobbies, and working towards the life you want.

Yes this is really a great website! At most websites you have to proof yourself before the people make you feel at home. Here I felt at home after the first reply! :) Today again was a tough day because it really was a boring day, so I had a lot of 'thinking time'. I tried to keep my mind busy, but still had too much thinking time. Despite that still going NC!

I also feel comfort reading the other relationship posts, knowing I'm not the only one suffering. I know this sounds strange, but this really helps me knowing I'm not the only one in pain. Im going to read the other sections more often now, just to spend some time in here. Getting to know the people better, having fun and getting my life on track! Hopefully when I'm back to 'normal' I can help new people like you are helping me!

Just got out of the gym and tonight I'm going to drink a couple of beers with my friends! Then off to bed. Tomorrow I have to make some schoolwork, then going to watch the Champions League final and after that to a Birthday party! I am really excited about that, meeting new people and having a great time!

It sounds like you are finally making good progress -- and we are proud of you!

OK here I am, again with an update!

Yesterday was very hectic. My ex girl stood in front of my home crying and really wanted to talk to me. No, she did not want me back. She wanted to talk about things that happened to her the day before. I let her in and she talked to me how she almost had sex with that guy from the bar and how she felt bad about it. The weird thing was that it didn't even really bothered me. I was just dissapointed in her and couldn't care more. She noticed this and she broke down for a couple of minutes. We talked for a while and she was exhausted and fell a sleep next to me while I was watching the Champions League final. After the final I kicked her out of the house and went to the Birthday party! The party was great had so much fun and we went home early in the morning. Almost home I saw two (drunk) ladies and they were shouting at me. So I stopped by and we had a little chat. She asked me if I wanted to go home with her and I agreed. When I at her home we made out. After a couple of hours I went home because I had to be awake in 3 hours lol.

I should have refused her question for letting her to talk to me, why should I help her after she put me through so much pain. But I feel good about myself that it didn't do me so much about her and that guy. Even though we had some contact I still haven't initiated the contact. So I'm proud about that.

What do you think?

Why even bother lending her your shoulder to ''cry on''?

Her problems aren't yours anymore-next time refuse to be her emotional bandage.

Ok,so you didn't break NC-but you allowed it to happen...

Not ideal..

As for getting picked up by drunk ladies in the streets-make sure you don't hurt anyone by jumping into a rebound...

Yes that's the only question I have atm. During these periods she has to figure out what she had and what she throwed away. She made the decision, so I shouldn't be helping her during the hard times of a break up.

And that drunk lady was just fun for a night, we both know there's nothing more...

Yes that's the only question I have atm. During these periods she has to figure out what she had and what she throwed away.

What she THREW (not "throwed") away... and you are being incredibly naïve by talking to her, thus giving HER the satisfaction that she still has control over you. She does, doesn't she. Admit it. So far there has not been real NC.

She made the decision, so I shouldn't be helping her during the hard times of a break up.

No, you shouldn't. So stop already.

You have allowed yourself to be put in a position of being her emotional tampon, a position better filled by a female friend.

You are to available and accommodating to her, and she will realize nothing while you are. But I doubt she is very attractive to you any way, while she does this, so stop her from doing it as you have not only been demoted to the dreaded friend zone, but the even more dreaded ex turned "GIRL friend zone".

And its directly on your shoulders to stop it. IF you choose too!!

Thank you for pointing out the stupid grammar mistake. This site even helps me with my English.

Thought a bit more about me helping her and I won't be doing that anymore. I have/had my hard times, she will have hers. It was her choice so she has to live with it.

Thank you (again) for pointing out the obvious haha.

Thank you for the great comment, will put this one in my personal 'diary'.

Thank you for pointing out the stupid grammar mistake. This site even helps me with my English.

Ask many of the experts here. That's what I do best :D because I want you to be at your best. We're a full-service site. Btw, consider yourself adopted.

Okay today really was a great day! I felt so much better and I really enjoyed today! :)
I really feel like I'm going into the right direction! Time really is the best medicine.
Hopefully no setback tomorrow after such a great day.

Went to school this morning and after that to the gym. Talked to some mates at the gym and they could see it in my smile, the way I laughed and the way I walked that I am doing so much better.

Now I'm going for a small run outside and after that I really need to study.

Way to go-keep going! ;-)

Doesn't that all feel great? Remember that feeling next time you are faced with a choice. ;)

Yes it feels great! I will remember this feeling when she comes to me again when she's feeling down. Or duringthe tough days of the healing process!

Now I'm off to bed! I'm excited about tomorrow!

Well,should she come around again,make it very clear that she's not welcome-you're not her therapist and any special treatment is revoked once their an ex-especially one that dumped you!

Have a good day!

Here's a quick update with what's on my mind:

I'm still doing pretty good actually. Now I'm just at the point thinking why doesn't she try to contact me. Not that I would pick up the phone or something, but I'm just wondering is she thinking about me or is she just high fiving her friends because I haven't tried to make any contact.

I'm amazed about how well I'm doing. Yes I sometimes still think about her, but I feel I'm getting my life on track, doing things I like, without thinking about her all the time. I enjoy the days again and I get through the days easily with NC.

Now I'm off to school. Have a great day everyone! :)

It doesn't matter what she's thinking or how she's feeling.

What matters is that you keep moving on,doing well-as you are!

Enjoy school!

Yes you are right, I only have to think about myself and what I'm doing, not about her or what she's doing. For the first time in a couple of days I miss her next to me now I'm going to bed, Other than that today went pretty good. I still feel I'm growing everyday, how to keep myself busy in my 'free' time and to find a new way to live.

Met an old friend of mine at the gym, he was going to the same a couple of years ago. So it was great to talk with him about that and having some laughs.

Now off to bed, tomorrow I have to do a serious lot of homework!

Hey Vakantie,

The advice your getting here so far is excellent, LISTEN TO WHAT Everyone IS TELLING YOU.

I will give you a little heads up on some stuff so you know what to expect. A year and a half ago, my ex girlfriend of 5.5 years left me and had the same problems as you did. Not only would she say she loves me still she would tell me we need this break so we can happily be married in the end.HAHAHA... now that's a funny one... whats also funny is that I'm now back in a hart break position again (with a dif girl),situation is a little diff but still, important you learn from your mistakes now so you don't feel like this again in the future.

Anyway here's what I learnt from my experience that might help you
1)its very normal that some days you'll feel good, then BAM, you will feel absolutetly terrible... but when you feel bad, DO NOT BREAK NC

2) AS HARD AS IT IS, IGNORE ALL HER ATTEMPS TO CONTACT YOU... I know it will be hard but you will see that over time, your confidence will being to rise because you proved to yourself you were not only able to not contact her, but also to ignore her

3)shes actually done you a favor by already kissing another guy... your relationship is over, forget being friends your way too emotionally involved... she crushed your hope by kissing another guy and basically telling you she just wants to fool around... sucks because then she gives you back hope by telling you she loves you lol but at this point you have to see that these are attempts to keep you hooked on her... she doesn't want you moving on for her own ego and just in case she realizes in a long time from now she made a mistake... whats important to know is that it doesn't matter what she says anymore, her word means nothing... you says she loves you, yet she broke up with you and has already kissed another guy 4 days later... this is why you need to stay in NC, including ignoring her attempts and including getting updates from friends... tell your friends NO UPDATES

4)its going to be a rollercoaster ride for you the next couple of months buts its VERY NORMAL. Just try your best to keep busy, work on yourself and try not to fall back in school. Come here and give updates and read other peoples stories when you feel weak, trust me that helps a lot

Good luck man and keep us updated

Hey Brent absolutely a great post!
Yes I definitely listen to what everyone is telling me. Without that I still would have been a mess by contacting her everyday or something like that. All the posts on here has helped me to grow tremendously! Yesterday in the evening I had a hard time and felt pretty terrible, but I managed to stay NC. Exactly what you said Brent (and many others), because she kissed and fooled around with an other guy I realized that the relationship was really over. It was hard to take, but maybe it was the best way to accept it. Now I'm doing my thing and meeting new people!
How are you doing with your situation?

Here's a quick update of today!
Today was a boring day in my country, a bank holiday. So almost nothing to do. Went to the gym early because it closed early. So almost had an entire day of free time and nothing to do. And basically she had the same, because she tried to contact me a couple of times. I refused to pick up the phone. It was really hard but I just read your messages on here and it pulled me through. Then a couple of hours later she stood there in front of my door! I asked her what's up and she told me she was feeling lonely and had nothing to do, she missed having me around her. Or that we would meet later during a day... So I manned up and told her that she is lonely at the moment and that it was her own fault. Then she told me she had no friends atm because they were all at parties or something like that and she didn't want to spend too much time with that guy otherwise she might like him. So I told her that sometimes it is really hard but you can't come to me, or call me when you are feeling down and lonely. Then I told her I had to go outside running and I stopped the conversation. It was hard to do, but it was the best thing to do, and I actually feel pretty good haha.

A big problem I'm having is focusing on my schoolwork. I can hit the gym, go outside running or play basketball. Even can play a videogame (had trouble with that at the beginning) but I just can't focus on my schoolwork. Tomorrow my day is packed with many activities but Saturday I really have to study. Hopefully I can focus myself and do a lot of schoolwork.

My situation is going not bad, you can't really chose when you feel good and when you feel bad, sometimes your feeling good then bam, just hits you. Especially when you wake up in the morning and nights... but I don't want to steal your tread lol so just go read up on mine at https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/7-days-no-contact-mixed-signals-help-me-579004.html. The link should work.

Anyway as for you moving forward, I think you played it perfectly. Congrtulations on having ignored her calls, and well you can't do nothing about her showing up at your door but you did a good by telling her to stop coming to your door. CONTINUE IGNORING ALL HER CONTACT, Don't ANSWER HER CALLS, DO NOT ANSWER HER TXT. She has a lot of balls to come to your door, tell you she's coming to see you because he has nothing else to do AND ACTUALLY TELL YOU She's AFRAID SHELL LIKE THE OTHER GUY TOO MUCH. WOW. This girl is something I must say. In one meeting she basically told you she only use you when she has no other options and that she basically really likes this guy, she's trying to hold herself back from him.

Yes I know the school work is the worse, because that's the time where you have the most to think about ****, I know, I'm in school to and I had that same problem during my last break up and I'm having it again no. One thing I'm currently doing is I try to go to a different location other than what I'm used to to study, or try studying with someone so that will force you to focus.

Stay strong and keep us updated

Bravo... you are definitely on the right path my friend. I wish I could say I have been as proper as you with the whole NC approach. Been apart with my ex of 2+ years and still make the mistake of answering the texts she sends me every now and then.

I guess the only difference I see in my situation is that I don't know of any new guy she is talking to (doesn't mean she isn't of course).

This advice you are receiving is great. Keep up the good work, perhaps this will inspire me to make the extra effort in no contact.

Yes Brent you are right the nights and mornings are awful! Especially when you have nothing to do. I will take a look in your thread and will give a comment. :)

Yes this girl is something haha. Maybe it makes it easier for me that she seeing some other guy, I don't know. This really was a great post from you. Summing it all up for me what she told me in one quick conversation. Really helpful, because I didn't figure it all out before your post. So thanks for that.

Still doing bad at my schoolwork. But I have some deadlines coming up so tomorrow I really have to get started. Will give a larger update later today. Got to hit the gym now! :)

Yes sometimes it really feels I'm on the right track, but sometimes it hits me really hard that I'm not with her anymore and I'm really down again. Had this feeling this morning and it was really awful.

I don't know if the difference (she's seeing someone) is helping me. Sometimes I really think ''well screw her, I'm moving on'' and other times I'm feeling bad that she is actually seeing somebody.

I really hope this inspires you to stay NC, imo when I respond to her calls/messages I only feel worse after I spoke to her. Don't know if you have to same, but this happened to me a couple of times.

I will post a big update later today with what's been going on in my life!

Well same as you the problem is that neither of us have come out and plainly said that "its over."
For me I think even though it may have hurt worse at the start to hear this, overall it would make it easier to move forward and take the necessary steps to heal.

But from reading your posts I think that message has come across now that you have refused to be her emotional blanket and have told her to not come to you with her issues. I have yet to take it to that level and tell her not to contact me and that we are over. Ultimately it is the path we all have to take to move on from an ex for good, at least in my opinion.

Look forward to reading your update :)

Ok here is my update.

I went out Saturday night with a couple of friends and she was there too (also with a friend). We said hello and went back to doing our own thing. I was dancing with some girls, laughing and acting crazy. She was starting to get jealous and started talking to me. Me with my drunk head said OK and started talking for a second. She held me very tight and said she loves me so much and misses me like crazy. I said that I don't know what to do with it, it was your decision. She said she knows and that the mornings and evenings are the toughest and she seeing me here with some girls having fun and making them laugh was doubting her decision. I didn't know what to say so I just made a cocky funny joke. She laughed and said that she misses my jokes and me as a person as her friends. Then I asked her if she liked her new life more than her old life with me and she held me very tight again, started crying and said no. Then the comments on here started running through my head ( I know a bit late, but I wasn't completely sober) and said I couldn't talk to her anymore and she should figure it out by herself because I didn't make the decision. After that I went back to my friends and really had a great time and it looked like I am dealing better with the break up than her.

Sunday was a bit boring. I went to the gym in the morning and after that I watched the tennis final Nadal – Federer. After that I started running outside and went to my bed, feeling pretty okay. And when I woke up on Monday I felt absolutely terrible. I just missed her like crazy again and was pretty down. Luckily I had to go to school (you won't hear me say that very often haha) and I could keep my mind of her for a couple of hours. After that I went to the gym and she was also there. We did our own thing and when I was done she came up to me and asked me if I wanted a ride home. I refused and she almost begged me to come with her. I still said no and again she looked really down. I said thanks for asking anyway and started walking to the dressing room. Then she walked after me again and started talking to me again. She said she was going to Spain for a couple of days to relax a bit with her parents. To clean up her mind and think about the decision she made, because she is doubting her decision more everyday. I said have fun and enjoy your time in Spain. She looked at me like is that all you have to say? I said goodbye and when I don't see you anymore have fun in Spain. When I was at home I felt pretty good, watched the NBA Finals and went to bed. My hopes weren't up or I wasn't thinking about she getting back to me. I was just happy how the situation went and that I'm moving on pretty fine. This morning I'm doing all right. The mornings are always tough for me but I'm doing better than yesterday.

I want to thank you all for the replies because thanks to your replies I know how to handle the situation. And she looks like she's down and don't know what to do. At first it was vice versa.
If you have comments please keep giving them to me, because they help me out so much and I will keep giving my updates!

Alcohol has a lot to answer for...

I think it's time you,should the occasion arise again,tell her in so many words that you don't want her to start any kind of conversation with her-as it's delaying your healing.

It doesn't matter how she feels-she broke up with you remember?

I believe you are doing a pretty good job so far but unfortunatetly your xgf is not doing you any favors by constantly showing you signs that she still cares.

This makes it a lot harder for you because she is obviously going to give you hope by reacting the way she has been reacting. I had the same problem with my ex of 5 years,especially since she would tell me we are def going to get back together, and not only that we will for sure get married, that we just need this break away from each other for a couple of months or years so that we can be happy in the end.

Here's how the events of that turned out, its been 2 years since, maybe it will help you out because I know the true battle for you right now is to feel it in your hart and not just in your head that you must see the relationship as over and not listen to what she says. Right now she's is a confused little girl, so there's actually no point in listening to what she says, because she obviously doesn't know herself and won't know for a wile. Where before she knew she wanted to be with you all those years, and now she's just simply not sure anymore. But just look at the facts first.
1)she left you after 4 years
2)shes already into another guy
3)she misses you and is having a hard time being away from you but still won't be with you
Those are the facts and when looking at the facts, this is behavior of a girl who doesn't want to be with you exclusively anymore, but obv misses you and is def lost at this point in her life (VERY normal for a girl her age who was in a long term relationship, it happens often).
At this point, you are obviously too emotionally involved with her, I mean she's your xgf of 4 years lol and you still love her. The same way its hard for her its hard for you. But you mustk now this is the right thing to do (NO CONTACT)until you are able to function properly in your life on a daily basis. See it as necessary for you, like did you really want to be with this one girl the rest of your life that you met so young? Would you have actually married her, not had any doubts of what it would have been like with some else and feel confident that you'd be happy having been with her since such a young age? I know in my long relationship all those things bothered me and that's why I saw it as necessary as much as I loved her and felt like **** everyday, that I had to move on. Here I am abit less than years later and I am def healed from all of that. But here's how it turned out during those 2 years.

1)i started nc after a week and she contacted me about once a month for the first 6 months, I never bumped into her during this time and her contact was very light, nothing crazy... I ignored almost all her contact
2)it was hell for me the first 2 months, but started feelign better after 3 months, and after 4 months was pretty much good but not 100% (but this was hard core no contact, I had no updates on her and never saw her, I told my friends not to give me updates)
3)at 5 months I found out she was seeing my friend who starting avoiding me as soon as we broke up, it looks like things started right after we broke up (shes only admitted it was 3 months later) but for several reasons she probably lied about that. By the time I found out I was pretty much over her thank god, I was more so disapointed and hurt that someone so close to me would do that to me but hey, you never know with people
4)at 6 months I bumped into her and pretty much cried the whole night because I didn't want to talk to her and harassed me with calls the whole week and I ignored them all. She continued contacting me for a couple of months after that, all which I ignored then she didn't contact me for like 7 months.
5)recently she has started to contact again saying she misses me, never stops thinking about me would do anything for me, nothing is what it seems bla bla (yes she is still with her bf)... obviously I don't care and it doesn't affect me anymore what she says lol... I actually met up with her to tell her to stop contacting me, that its been almost 2 years and she's still contacting me after all the times I've ignored her. Seeing her did nothing for me lol, like I didn't have any feelings come back or anythng, I just felt very bad for her because she cried so much and really wanted me in her life... the answer still remains no for me for spitting in my face the way she did

I don't know if my store will help you, but hopefully you can learn from it. Im basically saying that yes she prob really misses you and is going through some hard times like you are, but she's the one who left you and is kindof ALREADY involved with sum1 else. At this point your too emotionally involed, which is why you need to back away until you feel free from her. You will know you feel free from her when she's not on your mind all day and you could function regularly again. At this point you shouldn't really care if she contacts you or not or wtv because by then you'd be able to handle anything coming from her. But judging for the length of your relationship, your going to need a lot of time away from her for this to happen.

Don't let her see you sweat. You need to see the relationship as over. And not for nothing, would you really want to be with someone who after 4 years immediatetly got involved with another guy? Would you want to marry this person, spend your life with them, have kids with them, and miss out on every other girl that will come your way in the future for this person? The answer is no, where before it might have been yes, but now her true colors came out. It still will be very hard to move on, but I know right now your probably struggling with the hope side and questioning if you really should keep up no contact. YES YOU SHOULD. If you didn't care as much about her and wtv, id say perfect, just go with the flow like she's any other girl. But unfortunately that's not your reality, and you are affected too much by her with reason.

I hope this helped, but you should really try to avoid her as much as possible for the next couple of months

I think you handled yourself extremely well. You didn't get sucked into a deep emotional conversation, and you were casual, and busy, cool, calm, collected, and under control, even for a dude that was a bit intoxicated. We all know it wasn't as easy as you made it look, or sound, but you carried yourself with dignity and self respect, without being rude or obnoxious.

Well done.