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Haha I don't know how good that would be. As you have read, some of my ideas aren't exactly conventional or "by the book"
Maybe a book about the extent of my relationship with her haha. There are definitely some moments worth writing about (and no not those kind of moments). :)
After my recent break/break up with my girlfriend of 2 plus years I have been given a lot of advice both from this board and from my friends.
A question I have is once the obvious period of grief and what not has passed and one finally does move on do you guys find that your newest love makes you grateful that you moved on and didn't look back. Or did that next one ultimately never compare and fell short.
I am referring to this next love as one that is not a "rebound relationship" and one that occurs after getting past the former break up.
Just wondering what everyone's opinion is on this, or even experience in this situation. Thank you in advance for your input. :)
Well if you feel like your comparing them to an old flame then they're not right for you and you should definitely NOT pursue any further with the person, its unfair to both of you, if you think its something special and you don't give the past relationship a second thought then it's a good sign I guess :)
Yes you are right. That makes perfect sense.
I am also curious as to what others have found comes of their first real relationship after breaking up with someone you have been with for a long period. If it doesn't work out obviously it could be considered a rebound relationship, but I am more curious of the ones where you don't compare them to the old flame, but still don't find them right for you.
Thanks for the input :)
If your gut tells you they isn't right then, they isn't right. Even if you have a niggling little voice telling you that it doesn't feel right then listen to it... you will know when a keeper comes along, trust me..
It's okay to remember your first love. My first love is still a good friend of mine. Oddly enough, my current boyfriend (a total keeper!) and my first love are really good friends now (they met each other through me... I didn't move on to my ex's friend, haha).
I don't compare my current with my ex. What my past relationship did for me is teach ME how to handle things better. For example I try not to nag so much, accept little quirks, and learn to love those quirks. I also try to understand when I'm being an unreasonable woman (sorry for the stereotype... I bring it up because I'm a poster child for it sometimes) and take a deep breath instead of continuing a silly argument.
So I suppose in that way I do compare relationships, but more as a measure of myself. I don't know if I could have done that right away. I healed for two years before I met my current.
There is always a blow to the ego when we break up. We are worried that we'll never attract another woman. When you do, it is almost like weight being lifted off your shoulders. But just because you found another girlfriend doesn't mean that moving on was a success.
In complete digression, the question of whether moving on works out... my answer would be yes. I am glad I went through the heart break, the sorrow, the self loathing and the feelings of loneliness after a break up. It shaped me into who I am now and I couldn't be happier with that result.
If you classify success in moving on by being able to find someone who is better than your last girlfriend, you're selling yourself short. Set out to learn from your break up, change certain things about yourself that you don't like and be a better person from the experience. Set out to become happier and eventually you will find someone who can't compare to your last girlfriend because you have changed so much as well.
In short, you'll find someone who is a better fit for who you are now.
@ adviceishere, southamerica, kctiger
Wonderful insight. I couldn't have thought of better answers myself to this dilemma. I guess in the long run it comes down to the simple fact that we do not know how things will work out after a break-up, but we have to have an active part in moving on from it to make the next time even better both for ourselves and whoever we hope to be with.
It is always important to remember that our happiness is our responsibility. Take care my friend!
Thank you
Break ups suck, every time I got dumped it sucked. But move on, I did and am very grateful to those who dumped me because, when I did find the one, its been great... for the last 35 years, any way. Never know what will happen tomorrow though, even after all this time.
The trick to getting dumped, move forward, not back, and don't get stuck, stay busy. Its still sucks, but the pain is only temporary.
I asked the wife what would she do if we divorced, and she told me she would buy a beamer, with her money, a new house with my money, and sign up for Match.com, for a new hottie. That sucked.
So mourn the death of the old relationship, heal, and be ready for the next one. Like I said, you never know what will happen tomorrow.
LOL your wife would be great at giving advice to people with broken hearts :DQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I second that. You have one smart wife, talaniman.
I know :D:) :)
If some of you recall from an earlier post I created I had my girlfriend of 2+ years break/break up with me recently (about 2-3 months ago). She said she wants me in my future, but she is just unhappy with her current job and family issues to focus on us... etc (here is a link for all of it... full version)
I have been doing good since and have been just trying to focus on myself and what not. This is where I come to my dilemma. Recently she started contacting me again realizing that she is starting to miss having me around and being able to see me. So she asked me to visit her at work one day while I was in the area. So I did, which hit each of us pretty hard... she felt a lot of her old feelings as did I. I still love her and do have feelings for her but have accepted the situation that we are in now.
Later that night I went out with my buddies and met a girl that was really in to me and wanted my number , etc. I gave it to her but the problem is she really wants to hang out with me and thinks that I am a rare person that she doesn't want to just walk away wondering "what if." I told her that I am recently out of a relationship and not really mentally ready to move on to something serious or anything in general.
Even after telling her this she still would like to hang out as long as I can handle doing it. So I guess my question is whether this is a good idea or not? I know I still have strong feelings for my ex and getting into anything serious with anyone else would be a mistake especially since we have started talking some again. But this new girl doesn't seem to care as long as I am honest with what is going on. I guess I see no shame in exploring it. Keep in mind this new girl is being very flirtatious and seems almost excessively attracted to me at this point. I have warned her of my mental state but now question if I should follow this any further.
It's pretty hard because I left my ex and starting going out with his friend after 4months and I got married with him! Bt now I cannot get my ex out of my head I love him so much that I don't know what I would do if I saw him in front of me so umm I think u should not get seriouse with anybody until u totally know you tried everything with your ex if she wants to. But just do things a little different from before. I wish I should have done that bt I'm married now =(
Thank you that is a good perspective. I guess the question I have then is given that I have told this girl I am not looking for anything serious, would I be a bad person for hanging out with her given that she really wants me to? From how flirtatious this girl is being I feel that inevitably we could end up hooking up if I do. I feel like this would be a bad thing to do if I still want to work things out with my ex... but given that right now I have done all I can with her and am waiting on her now. So I may as well have some fun correct?
Well,as you're already questioning it,it's not a great idea is it?
Heal first,and that means NC with the ex,not being there when she decides she wants to see you-you're not her puppy!
Your ex isn't trying to get back with you, she is keeping you around, and you both go back to a comfort zone with no commitment.
You may have warned her of your mental state, but you are still following her program, that's not all that honest. I see this as a danger zone of repeated disappointment. Watch yourself.
As for the new girl, be a lot more honest with her than you are with the ex, and if you can't enjoy meeting new people then don't be a stick in the mud. I get so tired of folks saying they aren't ready for anything serious, and see a simple meeting as cheating on an ex that dumped you.
I wouldn't make myself available to an ex that dumped me, unless the first words out of her mouth after she said she missed me was lets try this again, and I would still give it a lot of thought. That one way love just ain't for me.
I didn't tell my ex that I was in a bad mental state... I told this new girl that I was.
Having said that I understand where you are coming from and appreciate the response. Also can you see the whole second post? It merged them together and all I can see if my first question.
Thanks... I will see what I can do about that :)
Yes I can see all of your merged threads, and in the future you can avoid the time delay in the skin you are using by not starting new threads about the same subject.
To add, honesty with others starts with honest to yourself. Surely you can see that any contact with the ex stops YOU from using the healing process successfully. Why are you even talking to her, let alone hanging around her??
Thanks for the insight on the post thing... was really confused on that haha.
To answer your point... I don't know why, I guess it is some of that hope/false hope lingering. Either way if she does want to try again I would be better off making that yes or no decision after time not seeing or talking to her so my outlook is more objective and less emotional. Thanks your point makes sense.
You never let go of your ex. That takes time, sometimes. Or a slap. Different for everyone.
Nonetheless, don't rebound or enter a new romantic relationship until you are together with yourself, (ie: don't let ex's interfere)
In your head or otherwise...
Not fair to you or anyone. Will only cause issues. Like the ones you are experiencing.
Yup.
So just an update to my situation again...
Haven't talked to her in a couple weeks and have come to grips with the fact that I need to just try to move on. Met a new girl and have been chatting with her a little bit. She is great and I really enjoy talking with her.
Well once this started happening my ex contacted me wondering if I was still alive since we hadn't talked in a while. I said I'm fine but have just realized there is nothing more I can do buy do me and see what happens.
She replies asking me if that means I am moving on... Like it was something she wasn't expecting. She didn't seem to like the fact that it seemed like what I as doing. I told her I don't know what you expect from me. Waiting on her every call was only making me feel like **** and it was all I cod think to do.
So in short I am kind of surprised by her reaction... She is the one that has been going with the motto that if it's meant to be it will be so I don't understand why she is surprised with me trying to do me.
Ignore her.
It doesn't matter what her thoughts are;you keep moving on and get to know new people.
Make sure you're truly over the ex before starting a new relationship,rebounds usually don't work.
Thanks... I know I shouldn't start anything knew, and I already had this issue with another girl, which I new right away that I didn't want to pursue because I knew it would just be an issue.
But this one is different and has to this point actually made me not even worry about my ex and whatever she is doing.
There's nothing wrong with making new friends,just don't jump into a new relationship until you're ready .
Healing takes time.
Thanks... I know at the very least I need to take it very slow to make sure it will not be just some rebound type thing. It is tough because even if I do get past my ex, I still have that feeling of being the bad guy for not "waiting" for her because I feel like I owe it to her for whatever reason just because of how I am as a person.
You don't owe it to anyone to wait for them.
I think you stop thinking of yourself as the bad guy,after two months,it's a good thing that you're starting to get your life back on track.
Thanks... and I know I shouldn't, especially since she was the one to end our relationship. I just have that personality where I put others before myself and don't like to make others sad. But I know that is what I have to do.
It is dwid,respect yourself for who you are.
Amen!
Just a little update to my ongoing saga... (would have posted on my old thread but it has been closed, my own fault been a little lazy with the updates :) )
Just a recap... me and my ex of 2+ years essentially had a break/breakup, however she wanted to put it, a couple months ago So I have been on the slow path of recovery and NC.
At this point I just wanted to report that I have been doing much much better and have been able to keep busy with friends, family, and other personal activities such as the gym and sports. Summer has been good for me thus far as I have been busy every weekend meeting new people, engaging with women, meeting up with roomates at their hometown for some fun.
All is not perfect however as I constantly am unable to ignore the occasional messages from my ex. Mainly to inquire about how my summer baseball is going as she was quite fond of watching me play the past few summers. I now find myself responding more out of pity and feeling like I owe it to her. She has been through so much just with her family and job search beyond anything related to her our relationship that I find myself still caring for her well being.
I don't find myself not thinking about her from an "us" standpoint, but more from a humanitarian standpoint wanting her to find happiness in her life. Is this a usual feeling to have or is it an excuse I am making to myself to feel better about still responding to her?
Overall though I just want to state that I feel like I am making great progress... just wondering if this is one last loose end I have to tie up somehow.
Good you feel you're making progress-bad you still reply to her messages.
It's called clinging to false hope in my book,so-stop being her soundingboard and let her fend for herself.
You owe her nothing.
Good grief!Quote:
Originally Posted by dwidrick
Yup!!Quote:
is it an excuse I am making to myself to feel better about still responding to her?
Just to clarify she rarely messages me... I am talking maybe once a week at most. I realize the amount doesn't really matter as messaging is messaging.
But yea I probably am just making excuses for myself to still respond to her. It's the "owe her nothing" part that is the hardest for me to get past at this point and really the only think remaining. Thanks
Haha I figured you would have a field day with that line Wondergirl.
Thanks for the input.
Haha I figured you would have a field day with that line Wondergirl.
Thanks for the input.
You have a bright future in the medical or social services field.
Well unfortunately that isn't the current field I am in haha. Maybe in my next life :)
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