I am sure he still cares about you and this girlfriend is just a way of helping him move on from you. He has not completely gotten over to you but that shouldn't be your concern. You need to stop contact completely and if he does call answer and tell him you would appreciate it if you stopped calling. I know you would like to be cordial and be friends but you still harbor great feelings and it would be unfair to you to try that route. You need much more no contact especially since it was a 5 year relationship.

You are no ones backup plan and shouldn't have to sit there and wait for him. Go out and live your life and if the situations arise where it draws you two together so be it but him stringling you along is not good. You can have many other friends why does it have to be someone you still love and have much more greater feelings than normal feelings people have for their friends.

Stop listening by being unavailable to him and his texts or emails. It no longer matters about his intentions and motivations and you are still vulnerable to what he says. Do you really think he has changed or has he found a way to keep in touch and work on getting back on your good side. Nip his access to you in the bud now or be confused and mislead from your path to moving on.

Hi, probably some of you have read or remember my previous posts. My story is similar to those who shared in this forum - girl in 5-yrs relationship, broke up few months ago, hurt, upset, ex now has new girlfriend.

My ex started callling me again two weeks ago. Was surprised but managed to stay in a casual chat. Then he kept calling me on a regular basis, 'updating' me on his life. He's in the midst of planning out his career, changing job, and is very stressed out. I suppose he just wanted a friend to chat with. But eventually I got very uncomfortable as I still have feelings for him and knowing that he's already seeing someone really hurts me. I admit I still have a tiny hope that he's calling to ask for a reconciliation. He even told me that he misses hearing my voice! But nope, as expected, he only calls to chat. Then I have reached a point that I told him I couldn't chat with him and asked him to leave me alone. He got very upset and started accusing me of being such a cold and mean friend who refuses to give him support when he needed it. I don't understand why he still calls me when he has a girlfriend already! Am I being too mean to him?

Anyway, just writing to vent it out and really need a hug now :o

*hugs*

I think he should respect you, and leave you alone for a while. Until your feelings are settled. He's not much of a friend, if he can't understand that.

I feel for you. My ex put me through this very same thing too. Breaking up with me, being with another girl soon afterwards... well in fact, he broke up with me to be with another girl really, and then, even though I asked him not to, kept contacting me over and over to talk to me as "just friends" as if everything was just peachy. It hurts to hear updates from an ex's life when you still have feelings for them. Why do they not realize this? So, like you, I had to tell him I couldn't stay in contact with him, making me look like the "bad guy" in the situation and I felt guilty and "mean" too. His contacting me certainly delayed my getting over him and it also kept me stuck in a cycle of hope that perhaps he still cared and wanted to reconcile, only to be hurt and disappointed when he never mentioned it. It all was very taxing on me emotionally, while not appearing to bother him at all.

Why do exes do this to us? If anyone knows the answer, enlighten us all please. Is it selfishness? Immaturity? Deliberate ego-boost attempts ("hey, look how over you I am")? Cluelessness? Callousness?

I think you did the right thing by telling him you couldn't chat with him.
He seems like a jerk with no clue...

BIG HUG! :D

To Southern Belle: yes, yes, yes, yes and um yes. Sad how unconcerned some people are about the wreckage in their wake, isn't it? For the rest of us, its why discernment is so very necessary these days -- to protect yourself from these sorts. Go slow in building relationships. Seek information about your love interest from multiple sources -- friends, family, etc. Allow your cautious mind to guide your heart more.

To Origins: <hug> Please never consider self care as "mean", okay? He is an ex = you owe him nothing, nada, zilch.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't BE SAD


*infinite huggles*

Pat yourself on the back for doing what you had to do to protect yourself. Its not mean to put you and your feelings before his selfish needs, that was a very healthy thing to do. Congrats and hugs!!

After few weeks of no contacts, my ex started contacting me again. We broke up few months ago after five years together and he's now seeing someone. Few weeks ago he called me to chat, partly because he's in the midst of figuring out his career and feels stressed out. After few phone calls, I told him I couldn't continue contact with him as I felt very uncomfortable. I asked him if he's still seeing someone now but he never replied. So I figured the answer was yes. Then I told him again to leave me alone. It takes a lot of courage and really hurts to tell him to go away as I still love him so much.

After about a week of no contact, he started emailing me again. I never replied. Few days ago I got an email from him and he sounded very depressed, mainly due to this job. I hesitated for awhile and then replied few lines to cheer him up. A day later I gave him a call as I was worried. But he sounded very cold on the phone.

I don't quite understand why he still contact me. He knows I wanted him to leave me alone as I was quite hurt from the break up. He has a girlfriend now. I just couldn't figure him out. Why does he still contact me? I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi Origins,

Geez, you may be thinking you are not in a good place because of the painful situation, but my goodness, I think he is in a worse place. He sounds very confused and lost. But I think it is so unfair of him to drag you into it, knowing that you still have feelings for him. It is a bit selfish of him and so unfair to you and the progress that you have made.

If it feels right to you, I would not be in any contact with him at all. It seems he has a great deal of things he needs to work out and those things he needs to do on his own. Just like you have done and all of the progress that you have made.

I know it's hard and you still love him, that just shows your good heart. But you will not be good to anyone, especially yourself if you allow him to pull you back to an unhealthy place.

Try and get back to the place where you were before he started all this contacting and look forward. If need be, don't look at your email account for several days or longer, just to get the away time that you need.

Hi Origin,

First I think you should re-read what you asked previously on this forum:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=1045118

From what you said before, I feel like this guy is doing the same thing over and over again, and why is he doing that? Because you're letting him. He would come to you whenever he's in trouble, give you false hope, and then leave you hanging and hurting again. Deep down you know that it's probably a good idea to stay away from him and move on.

He sounds like a taker to me from how you described him. Is he really worth all these caring from you? Would he listen to you if you're having problems with your life?

My advice to you would be no contact. It's up to you to do it, no one can refrain you from replying to his email, or answering his calls. I know it's hard to move on from a 5 years relationship (although I never experienced one myself), but I honestly think you're better off without him.

I don't know why he's contacting you, but I do know that he broke your heart, and is preventing you from moving on. I know it's hard to stop caring for someone you love so deeply, but you should be selfish for once. Love yourself, take care of yourself, heal yourself first.

Oh, and stop trying to figure out what's going on in his head. That's something you can never figure out, and its preventing you from moving on.

If you stop replying to his contact you would give yourself a chance to heal. He would also get the message to leave you alone and go about his business.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by origins13

After few weeks of no contacts, my ex started contacting me again. We broke up few months ago after five years together and he's now seeing someone. Few weeks ago he called me to chat, partly because he's in the midst of figuring out his career and feels stressed out. After few phone calls, I told him I couldn't continue contact with him as I felt very uncomfortable. I asked him if he's still seeing someone now but he never replied. So I figured the answer was yes. Then I told him again to leave me alone. It takes a lot of courage and really hurts to tell him to go away as I still love him so much.

After about a week of no contact, he started emailing me again. I never replied. Few days ago I got an email from him and he sounded very depressed, mainly due to this job. I hesitated for awhile and then replied few lines to cheer him up. A day later I gave him a call as I was worried. But he sounded very cold on the phone.

I don't quite understand why he still contact me. He knows I wanted him to leave me alone as I was quite hurt from the break up. He has a gf now. I just couldn't figure him out. Why does he still contact me? I don't know what to do anymore.

---

I think that he still haves feel. For you.

Hi everyone, I have posted previously. It's been almost 4 or 5 months that my ex broke up with me. It was painful but am now feeling better. Have been trying to stay out of contact with him but still kept calling and emailing me. Last week on Valentine's day, he sent me a card with a really long message. He said he was happy tohave me in his life. He said many sweet things which I had been waiting him to say before. But he didn't say whether he still love me or not or suggest of getting back together. I don't even know if he's still with the girl he has been seeing soon after our break up (that's part of the reason why I was very hurt). I'm scared to believe his words. I never replied to his card and have been driving myself nuts. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Please please tell me how to cut him out ofmy life. I don't know what he want from me anymore! :confused:

Hi

I haven't seen your previous post. Have you actually told him you don't want him to contact you anymore? Only thing I can say is just to be blunt. To tell him that you don't want to have anything to do with him, because your trying to get over him and him contacting you and confusing you is not helping. It is wrong for him to do things like that, giving you false hope, therefore making you hold on to that hope of getting back together for longer, therefore why your still hurting. That's just my opinion; hope it helps.

You will have to be more aggressive in your refusal to see or hear from him if totally ignoring him doesn't work.

I would reply a short one or 2 lines.

Thanks for the card, its nice to end things on a good note,
But now I'm moving on so I would prefer that you don't contact me anymore.

I think with just the closing of a door you will find that the healing comes when you finally do shut the door on this relationship and the things that hurt you. His ambiguity is something that would hurt anyone in your shoes. I actually find it quite cruel and want to say how dare he on your behalf! At the very least its crazy making in how he seems to be driving down the middle of the street. There is a time and place to keep personal confusion to yourself and this would definitely be one of them. Ugh.

You have two choices here: End it politely, never telling him that his message is garbled. Or tell him he speak with forked tongue and that he best save his mixed messages for someone who likes that sort of thing since that isn't you. Its very likely to appear in the back of your mind that if you can successfully respond to him, you would get what you had with him back but please don't delude yourself. What you had is not possible to get back. Period. It would be something different now, especially when you now know what a bullspinner he is.

Move forward. Close the door. Let the healing begin. I am sorry for your loss.

Answering him will only encourage him to continue trying to contact you. I'd keep reply policy. He probably realized how good he had it with you and chances are he is finding himself alone without the other girl. Listen to your gut. You know what's right. You posted he's hurt you in the past, he hasn't said he loves you. You leary about taking a chance with the letch. If he sends you mail. Send it back return to sender. Block his emails. Don';t answer his calls. Let it go to voice mail or block his number. Sooner or later he'll get the messege.

You've missed one important part of no contact: when he sends you something, you don't read it.

Every message of his you've read, every card you've opened, every voicemail you've listened to have reset the timer on no contact. No contact means none. One-sided contact is still contact, and is still something that's causing you problems, because that means he's still there in your mind every time.

if I wer u I would throw it back in his face! He hurt u and left u now he all of a sudden wants u back in his life, which is nice to hear because it makes u feel wanted and that's what u bin waiting 4, but what r the chances of him doing it agen or hurting u agen!! Sod him I say... stay single an have fun for a bit, sum 1 even better will turn up when u least expect it :)
xx

Suddenly have the urge to drop a line to say thank you to everyone on this site. For those of you haven't read my previous postings, I'm the girl (maybe like many others) who's in the process of healing from a not-so-nice break up. :o Have been trying hard to stay out of contact with my ex despite his continuous emails and calls. Up to this day, he still keeps telling me that he has feelings for me while he's still with the girl whom he hook up with soon after he broke up with me. Took me a lot of courage to tell him to leave me alone and it's the hardest thing to do because deep down inside I have always been hoping for a reconciliation. I really appreciate all the great advice and support here! ;) Thanks everyone!

I am glad some of the people here were able to help. I hope you enjoy the site and will share your experiences and expertise with others needing help also

I feel very stupid and begin to hate myself for being so weak, for failing to keep up to NC. As I have posted previously, my ex sent me a card on valentine's day with a long message saying many sweet things to me. At the time, I deleted right away and didn't reply at all.

But over this weekend, I begin to think about him. So I called. BIG MISTAKE! BIG BIG MISTAKE! I knew in the beginning that I shouldn't call, but deep inside I have a very slim hope that he might still love me and want to get back together. Turned out I was half right (which is worst than completely wrong or completely right).

We started off with a very good chat, felt just like how we used to be. But I managed to cut short the chat and asked him directly why he's still contacting me when I have told him many times not to. (One main reason I wanted to cut him out was because he's started seeing someone soon after he broke up with me).

He told me he still has feelings for me and that he really misses me. I then asked him if he's still seeing someone and his answered was yes. I felt disgusted immediately when I heard it. He even told me that his gf is well aware of his feelings for me and is very upset about it.

I felt more disappointed than upset. Felt disappointed that someone I have known for almost a decade (we've dated for 5 years and were best friends before then) has suddenly become a stranger to me. Perhaps I just never seen this side of him. Or are all guys like that?

Anyhow, am also disappointed myself. I can't stop blaming myself for having false hopes when I intuitively know the whole situation. :(

It sounds like you've answered most of your own questions here. You know what the score is so proceed accordingly.

Get back on the path. We all make mistakes, that's human.

It's been months after my ex and I separated. I no longer cry myself to sleep every night though at times I still feel upset. Have engaged myself into many different activities these day and try new things, but whenever I'm alone, I still think of my ex. Am now most frustrated that I couldn't stay focus at work. Have been very unproductive these days and I hate myself for being so weak. Any suggestions on how to concentrate at work during the break up / recovering process? :confused:

You're coping. Sometimes things won't be so easy. Just accept that days will be difficult and others won't. Aim for the less difficult. Try to eliminate stress and empty time lots by working out, reading and writing in a journal. I find helping others with their short comings is especially helpful and very much a blessing. You'll find lots of people that are in much worse shape than you and suddenly, life doesn't seem so bad.

Yeah, whenever I have a bad day I think to myself "well, it could be worse.." and then name something that I know someone else is going through! Focus on the positives in your life! I've found that if I'm well rested I generally have a better day, so try to get enough sleep.

Yea, perhaps I lack sleep these days. Family and work made me really stressed out. And weirdly, under these circumstances, I couldn't help myself from thinking about my ex. Really miss the good times we have. But also feel very soar remembering how he hurt me and is now with someone else. Really hate to see myself stuck at this stage.

You will get through it! I promise things will start to feel better. Try to catch up on your lost sleep. Treat yourself to at least 1 thing each day that makes you feel good. You deserve someone who treats you well and doesn't hurt you! Hang in there!

Your login name is interesting... Origins. It's the point where something begins.
So, begin again. Chances are, you will have many new beginnings, some better than others. One thing is sure, as long as you keep reminiscing about your past, the good and the bad, you will stay there, in the past. That's no place for a new beginning.

Hi guys, as some of you may know, my ex of 5 years broke up with me months ago and managed to stay no contacts for some time now. Though at times I still think about him, I begin to realize maybe I just miss being in a relationship, miss the intimacy, miss having someone there to share my thoughts and feelings with. Perhaps knowing that my ex is already seeing someone makes me feel very soar.

Have tried to hang out with my friends more, but many of them have their other halves, some are even married. I love spending time with them but for some reason I enjoy myself more with friends who are still single, and there aren't too many left. Am now 27 and I start to fear of staying single forever. Is this a normal feeling result after a break up? I actually lost the urget to meet people anymore. Worst is, I couldn't help myself from reminiscing the past with my ex. I don't like these feelings but don't know how to cope with them. Can time really heal? :(

I don't think your ready yet to start dating. You have to many confusing emotions and it's not fair for someone else if your still thinking about your ex. Your still in the stages of emotional recovery so give yourself some credit and some time to work through it. At the age of 27 you still have another 60 to 75 years of life, if not longer by the way medical technology is going, so don't rush yourself into something that will bring you back or stall your emotional healing progress.

Do you have a gym membership? If not get one, loads of single people there and it's a great confidence boost and makes you feel great.

Why not try some new hobbies/sports/classes. Get out there!

Its natural to miss those feelings, but as chuff said,

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chuff

At the age of 27 you still have another 60 to 75 years of life so don't rush yourself into something that will bring you back or stall your emotional healing progress.

---

<<Have tried to hang out with my friends more, but many of them have their other halves, some are even married. I love spending time with them but for some reason I enjoy myself more with friends who are still single, and there aren't too many left. Am now 27 and I start to fear of staying single forever. Is this a normal feeling result after a break up? I actually lost the urget to meet people anymore.>>

I know this feel very well origins... after the devastating loss of a relationship especially aftEr 5 years , next comes the pain of not having many people left to do things with.

Ive felt the same.. most friends are married or with babies, and it was a shock and wake up call for me.You cannot talk to the mutual friends, you don't have many single friends, all my male friends also became his friends and my single female friends all got married. My friends from youth are in other countries.

I became a hermit for about 4 months after the breakup, its good to be alone and deal with what went wrong.

Recently I've met new people and started to have fun but this took a long time.

Good luck and hang in there, it takes time... but you will feel much stronger eventually... At 27 you are sooooo young! Im only meeting people of 27 or younger these days I fel so old, I don't know where people in the 30s are anymore...

I think everyone needs to go through the devastating loss of a breakup to really wake up and face reality.It reminds you to constantly have a "single" , independent life of your own even while in a relationship.

Time really does heal..

Hi origins.
Yes try and rebuild yourself... do volunteer work, do artistic classes, new stuff...
And remember this lesson for all future relationships... never to lose yourself again.

The challenge you have before you is building a life that makes you happy. The key is to learn to make yourself happy, with people that you enjoy. Those nagging memories come and go as do the feelings, that's why its so important to get busy with you and the things you like to do.

Time heals only if you do the healing things in it. Otherwise its just time passing. You have lots of good suggestions here that I would only add this to it. That fear of yours about being single forever for one--- that needs to be dismantled before it grows into something desperate and bad. You need to ask yourself if you spent your entire life single, would it be possible to be happy anyway and able to answer YES! And then begin to do those things that creates that happy life. And the really funny thing here is once you create that happy life, you will attract a different crowd of people. And out of that different crowd of people may come someone interesting. It really does work this way. Besides you (and all of us frankly) don't know what happens tomorrow so its best not to look too far down the road with any certainty.

In order to change your world, you must be willing to change you. Your next partner is not going to be willing to do what your old partner did for you, nor should you ask that of them. That's because you all are growing up and realizing this amazing thing: your life -- its up to you!