Yes, I will see my doctor again. He just prescribes the medication, I'm seeing my therapist next Tuesday. And for some reason I'm trying to suppress my Anger. I keep drifting from wanting to take my cell phone back to thinking, OK, no contact starts Now.

And since I talked to my friend last night, I want to meet up with him too. But maybe I'm not thinking straight... before talking to him last night, he recalled the last time we talked was in August... I don't even know what I'm doing and thinking any more...

Hit the gym, and eat well after, get all the anger out in the gym, working that body. Then eat well. Steak and potatoes, and a nice salad.

Forget the phone, LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Talaniman for encouraging me to follow all the good advice I've been given. And yeah, my spare phone coming up in my thoughts, I confess I want to use it as a reason to contact her, as a reason to take the little control I have and to take the little power I have... but it hurts when I think about it... because that's not really me... but then she doesn't care about me any more so why should I care about her? She reminded me that she was using me and I hate to think of it like that because that's evil, and a part of me doesn't want to think of her that way because that's ugly, and I want to ask her why. But I know that even if I get another answer, another response, I won't be satisfied.

I'm repeating all this to remind myself because offline, I drift into a state of panic, I'm breathing hard, my chest hurts, my neck and arms get tense... I tried asking her to search inside herself for the things we talked about in the past, but I know that was a mistake because it forces her to try even harder to bury any feeling... so I regret doing that, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I wish I could undo last night...

I'm trying to remind myself how stupid I'm acting, how what would happen were drawn out and explained to me and yet I still made the mistake...

I realize I am basing my life on her right now and that's not right... but she got me good, and I want to know if that's what she planned for, I can't just believe it to be that way, I want to hear her say it... I want to hear her say she hates me...

I haven't confessed something about what happened in high school, aside from the fact that something similar happened, I had a hard time letting go for all these years since because I wanted to be forgiven, I realized that is one thing makes it hard for someone to let go, they feel that they did something wrong, something bad, and so on... and I feel like I always do something wrong, I cheated on my high school girlfriend with one of my ex girlfriends at the time, and she found out, she destroyed me in Hawaii first, and some more when I got back, and then asked me if there was something I wanted to tell her, and at the time, I couldn't admit it, but I knew she had found out, and when she finally forgave me several months ago when this whole thing happened it was a huge burden taken off my shoulders...

The thing is, I had always justified my action, she and I got into several arguments and some times she wanted a break, and I couldn't do it and she jabbed me by saying that it's not like I am her boyfriend any ways, and so one of those times I said fine to myself and hooked up with my ex and that was that.

I feel like I'm not being told something this time. And as much as it would hurt to find out whatever it is, I want to hear it, I want her to tell me in person..

And so I'm fighting myself from getting angry because I'd do something stupid like ask for her to do that for me...

I'd sabotage any chance for Happiness and I don't understand why I do that. I feel like persisting because then there would be a better reason than just this... a reason I control, I did that to past girls, not even girlfriends, I'd write them a letter...

And I don't know if you all know about the site that sends future letters for you, futureme, I have like 5 letters or so set to auto send to this girl, and now I'm thinking twice about it because I read that whatever letter I might send probably won't do anything... but I wrote those letters to one day let her know what I was thinking and how I felt and how I Care and all the letters talk about the future that is now, and I feel like writing some final letters but now I am thinking about canceling them from sending, the first letter is sent to send on March 25, 2011 or so, that's when her and I Met. I feel that only if she knew at that time how I was feeling and how things were if only she knew then maybe things can work out because aside from what happened, the feelings were there, the values were there, the conversations, the Time spent together, they were there...

I'm having a hard time getting over the fact that she said she didn't feel anything, and that she was doing it because she felt sorry, I'm having a hard time because that voids all, all of my memories with her, that's making me sad because I don't want to hear that... that hurts so much. I want her to take that back or something because those memories were nice.. for a moment I was happy. That's what I can't get over.

I don't mean to be like this, I wish I could feel happy, I mean real happy, not just me saying I'm happy, that I'm happy to be alive, I want to Feel it...

Being happy is not a feeling, it what you do for yourself that makes you feel good, and you are repeating yourself again.

Guess you didn't make it to the gym, and slipped that good meal huh!!?

Please talk to your doctor as soon as you can about your medicine. From the way you write, I get the impression that you think you are getting worse. That is a huge danger sign. If you aren't taking any other medications and aren't self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, then ask about foods that might be affecting the effectiveness of the medication.

Thank you for using paragraphs.

I think you need to write off the phone as a cost of breaking up. Have no more to do with that phone in any way. You do not need it back. It would only be a reminder. You do not need more of those.

I just have so many questions... and I had a feeling I was repeating stuff because that's what my mind is doing right now and I can't stop it. I want to rest in peace. Thank you for the concern about my medication. And I thought it was weird that my writing was pointed out. This is how I Write.

And if I don't write like this, I stare in front of the screen; these are all the thoughts that are in my head that I cannot organize, and it's not fair, she jabbed at this...

I just talked to an old friend, my neighbor growing up who moved onto do other things, I ended up telling him what happened, like telling him every thing, and he gave me some kind words, he asked me to think of all this as I didn't work hard enough, like I didn't practice enough or something, like I didn't run enough, so I need to run more, so literally, go out and run more because I haven't ran enough yet, and I will never so I have to start running more... he said I can do that with work, but I can't focus at work, I wish I could because I spend most of days at work, and it will move me along my career faster, but the distraction is too powerful for work...

So the gym idea, it's a good idea, but I do work out hard, I was an athlete, I used to row competitively, so the obstacle of working out is getting in the car, and driving down this hill and going to the gym when it's cold. But when I get home... I get back to thinking.

The medication I take is a stimulant, it keeps me up, and it was first prescribed with a sleeping pill, but I refused it because I knew I was going to abuse it, sleeping pills are Fun. So it's like I have to exhaust myself, and by that I mean, mentally exhaust myself, and by that I mean I am eager to think, I am so eager that I Think too much and...

I'm sorry. This is the first time I've ever written this much in a space so open and not in private. I am scared because I have an endless amount of Written stuff, letters, journal entries, as I mentioned. One thing, I don't write poems, and if I did, I'd be like Sylvia Plath, or Edgar Allen Poe, or Emily ****inson, or Oscar Wilde...

Right now I'm calm because my friend listened and talk to me and you all are here, I hope I can fall asleep tonight, and stay asleep, but waking up tomorrow... I have to visit my family and talk to my Dad... and driving back reminds me of driving back to see her...

I'm visiting my family which means I'm close to her, and I'm constantly having to fight the urge to just call her to hear her voice and ask her if she wants to hang out; and I know if I do call her the conversation is going to go no where.

I tried deactivating my Facebook like 10 times last weekend, and every single time I've reactivated it, so I really have to plan this out with my sister. I keep on thinking about the pros and cons of deactivation which is messing my decision up.

I also can't stop checking to see what she's up to since she went out with this guy and posted their fun experience as a status with details as comments.

I ended up watching YouTube videos that give the same advice found in articles, it's just different when I can see someone talking; I came across advice about exes quickly jumping to see someone else, what disturbs me is one person said that girls some times make sure they have a backup boyfriend, someone to turn to before the breaking up, and they were probably working on it way before breaking up with you. That hurts because I know exactly when she started... she mentioned going to grad school in Maryland where this new guy lives. That makes me sad.

I talked to another friend and he said that she has no respect for me and that is another reason why I need to let all this go and move on. On top of that she told me other things and I'm just holding on so tight.

I want to call and ask her why, or when, what happened. I think she saw him when she was in NY. I'm going insane. One moment I'm OK, then I'm not.

Get your sister to change your password and email address to your fb.. obviously to ones you don't know.

Problem solved.

Yeah, we decided that it is best to just switch my contact emails to my sister's, then have her change my password, but it's a hard decision. I mean, a test run of 1 week no FB, without the deactivation transfer is impossible, I can't imagine more than that, I see myself freaking out or bummed when no one notices which might give me some perspective on how I'm insignificant.

Therapist appointment tonight. No contact was broken last night, she sent me a text asking if I could talk; I waited and thought to myself for an hour before calling her back. She actually apologized for her behavior when no contact was broken the first time. That was nice of her, but she didn't know I was visiting my parents who lives in the same area as her so of course, I wanted to see her, I made small talk, and then ask her if she wanted dessert, she asked me if that was a good idea, of course I said yes, at that point I was being unreasonable and foolish, I went to her house and we were acting like strangers, it was hard, but I kept a smile and wasn't... too... awkward, because the thing is I smile when see her, and she kept on asking why I'm smiling. I was also smiling because I had so many conflicting thoughts my head, and all I could do was smile thinking to myself what am I doing?

We ended up getting coffee, well I got coffee because I had a 3 hour drive home later. At that point what was going on in my head was whether she did anything with that one guy she went out with the other night because she decided to be mean and drop him into conversation right when we left her house earlier. She made a comment on how her dog didn't bark at him. The dog usually barks at all males, but to some people no, and me some times, but yeah she decided to tell me that which implies, he was over her house, and taps into the fact that she was home alone that night because she told me so, I'm going insane.

So I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't and so we went for a walk and I was all over the place with my thoughts and silent, but smiling and she knew something was weird, and so I knew I couldn't just ignore that so I brought it up, I told her I was thinking about what she said about the dog, and what she was implying, and she said yeah, acting like the whole point of talking about that was because it was a peculiar situation, we all know that wasn't the point.

So, I explained to her my thought process and asked her, well, did you do anything? And she was jokingly offended, she said Hey! And I was like what? And she was like no, and why would you think that, and I was like, well he obviously was over your place, I don't know what you two were doing, she said she forgot something and had to go home, the thing is, I actually calmed down when she said no, but the thing that is also, I feel she is being misleading, she didn't do anything with him at her house, but she did something with him at his hotel because she told me she was going to drive him back to his hotel later that one night, and I see what I am doing, I'm over analyzing the whole thing, but I'm bothered by it.

And now I can't even bring that point up.

So we ended up talking in my car and she we talked about random things but then touched on serious stuff like what she's feeling. Her ultimate plea is that she can't continue our relationship because it was a mistake and wrong, so it's something we shouldn't be doing, and she since she wants forgiveness from my friend, her ex, she can't be doing what she's doing with me. I understand what she means.

But I reasoned with her, talking about the past, and how it's ironic that I would be or have been dealing with similar stuff regarding her. I know how she feels, she wants to see him again and hear his voice. I was freaking out over the fact that I didn't get to see her one last time , etc. which by the way, that totally leaves my mind whenever I say bye to her, I'm regretting how we parted because I didn't take advantage of it and kissed her passionately like I'm thinking I should have right now. Dammit.

But, again, I know how she feels and no contact for her has been a while, and I'm sorry. I asked her if she tried calling him, and talking to him, and she said it's hard when the person ignores you. I was sorry. I talked to her about how it seems like I show no remorse which she has gotten mad at me about; I talked to her about how I had the privilege to talk to him, and I apologized and told him I didn't mean to hurt him. The thing is, she knows she was trying to hurt him, I know, he knows, we know, and I talked to her about how we hear this a lot but we have to forgive ourselves, and live with the decision that was made because we can't change it, and how I understand that you just want him to know that you feel bad.

But I asked her if she wanted more. I warned her about how he might not forgive her for a long, long time, and she knows of my experience with one of my ex, which I don't know if I've shared, but I was begging for her forgiveness and she didn't forgive me until 5 years later which took a huge burden off my back, but it's easier to talk about now that I've been forgiven and it's easier when my friend said he can forgive me but it doesn't change what happened and I explained that to her as well.

We started lightly blaming each other but that conversation took a turn as we recounted what actually happened, she saw things one way, I saw things another... but we were smiling and laughing about the beginning. I told her I was glad that we can finally laugh at it now and that's something.

The thing is I was holding back my advances, it is very hard to control actually, for me at least, I'm very persistent.

So I made countless advances and she deflected and evaded all of them... but I had my way and she liked it.

And now what?

She remembered to give me the gift she got me from New York, but I just hugged her goodbye. I asked her quickly how she felt before leaving and she said we didn't have time to talk about that, it was almost 2am.

And just to add, we talked about a lot of other things, well I did, if you can imagine from looking at and reading what I write here in this forum... yeah.

And my mind is still all over the place, I'm thinking about how she feels different because she feels in a way she is still wronging him, and I can only silently agree. We circled back to what she wanted, and I inserted that I'm sad because it seems she has to erase me, or at least try to...

I understand she doesn't want to let go of him completely, she still has feelings in other words, she doesn't want to let go of the good memories, or what could have been. She explained to me about how they had plans too... and you see, I understand because I feel the same way toward her, I don't want to let go of the good memories, or what can be, and plans with her...

I understand when she looks at me, she sees me in part as a mistake, her mistake...

I just don't know.

We all had the "fire" experience.

As a kid, you touch the oven, it burns. Seeing that it hurts, you stop. The information "don't touch the oven" is engraved in your head -and sometimes your hand, too.

For some people, it takes 3-4 times to understand it.

STOP finding excuses for what you're doing. You are touching the oven repeatedly and crying because it hurts. Finding excuses for what you do won't change anything.

STOP it. Learn to LET GO and stop wasting your time on stupid games. You know what you have to do, why are you still doing this to yourself?

You're right pandead, I know what to do.

I want something I cannot have. And she is telling me she is not ready for a relationship because she still has feelings for her ex. I want a relationship with her, and I don't want to be just friends. So I need to let her know I will respect her feelings, but I also have to respect mine, I can't stick around just waiting for her to be ready.

I've written countless letters about what I just said. But I never had the Courage to follow through.

Again, you are all right, I know what I need to do, I knew ever since day one after what happened.

But to be honest, it seems like don't really know what I want because I am jumping back and forth between decisions.

I talked to her last night about Life and experiences and lessons, and about how I am going to have to learn certain things, like letting go, I'm going to have to learn to do that eventually, so what Now? I don't want to learn right now, teach me something else, teach me something else! But, we all grow up, or hope to, or know so... and I want to, just I'm not Ready. Of course I want to become a Man, hell no I don't want to become a Man Child, but why can't I learn something else right now? Save letting go for last..

And I frustrate myself by seeing it this way, but if I really want to become a Man, I would imagine this as a Challenge, because no one said becoming a Man would be easy, and I would imagine this as a rite of passage asking me, Do you really want to become a Man?

And you all don't know this but this is giving me Courage, and it's Motivating me, I'm feeling like I want this, and I'm screaming, yes, I want to become a Man! But it's not like just jumping out of a plane... or studying all day... it's not shot gunning a beer, or repairing my own car, it's not a lot of things...

And my excuse now is I didn't get to kiss her goodbye.

So I'm going to write her a letter, and give it to her in person, and do whatever I need to do to make it sappy because I'm that way, and I'm doing exactly that right now, making all this dramatic, I know, but it's helping!

Why are you trying to make her carry your baggage?

And this is also silly.
But, she doesn't want me because I have not yet become a Man.
And it's not if I love her I'd let her go, it's if I want to become a man I need to let her go.

And I amaze even myself how quickly I get discouraged and start doubting myself.

And now I'm thinking about how some tribes make you wear those fire ant gloves.

Why does this seem harder than doing that!

I sympathize, I really do-but I have to share my opinion and let you know that if I were this girl-I would be totally CREEPED OUT by you right about now! I know that hurts, but it's true. I can't believe she doesn't have a restraining order out on you!

Look, I've been just like you (only I am a woman) and until you leave her alone-you are just going to push her further and further away. I'm sorry, and do not mean to disrespect you but I've been you before and it is pathetic.

Everyone here has been so kind as to listen to you vent, but it's very irritating to keep reading all these silly things you are saying, I can't believe how calm people have been with you thus far.

You didn't get to give her a kiss goodbye-so you're going to write her a sappy love-letter?? Come on, man up-you're looking at it at the wrong point of view. You're just giving her more evidence to prove you're stalking her.

Leave the girl alone and move on with your OWN life-it will work, and you will end up with someone who deserves to be with a great guy like you. Problem is-you're not so great when you have your head up someone else's azz-believe me-I know (and I've made some crazy vents on here my damn self in the past.

You don't prove to HER that you are a man by letting her go, that isn't what proves that you are a grown up man. Knowing that your dwelling is messing up your life and that you need to move on is what a grown man does.

When a grown man has been told by a woman that she doesn't want a relationship with him and has moved on to other men, he doesn't keep continuously contacting to point of stalking.

A grown man realizes that to keep going down this same road will only hurt himself, that he has to change what he is doing and move on, for his own sanity.

Reality maynot always be the most pleasant of roads to have to travel, but it has to be traveled for us to grow as individuals.

Thanks answerme_tender
That was my ah ha moment, I got worked up with courage because I'm realizing what it means when people tell me I need to do this for myself.

It's been almost a month and a lot has happened since. I was doing fine with letting her go, and no contact; things started to get better and her and I talked again... until she contacted her ex and realized she can go back to him... so she told me to get out of her life.

That's what I am having trouble with right now is because she said a lot of hurtful things to me to push me away, and then she said a bunch of stuff to her ex about me, which made him angry and he pushed me away. Remember, he was my best friend.

It seems as though she thought I wanted to hurt, and it seems like she thought I told him to leave her and not be with her in the first place, but I didn't. At the same time it seems like she thinks I am fighting for my best friend back when I just don't want to be blamed for things.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the jabs thrown at me.

I am constantly going back and forth with my thoughts, one moment I am fine, I don't want to hurt any one, then I just want to get back at him. I am mad at him because he boasted and bragged about getting back with her. What am I suppose to do? He doesn't know we dated up until a month ago, and if he does, I don't think he knows the magnitude.

She knows; she asked me not to show him our pictures together or anything of that sort, or mention anything like that. I didn't plan to, but I feel hate creeping up on me telling me to use it as a weapon, but I don't want to because it will make me feel bad. If I go and tell my former friend off, and jab at him, she will hate me. And if it does nothing, I will feel stupid.

But I'm upset. I'm upset that she used me. She told me to get over this; and I am having a hard time because I don't understand why she has to treat me this way. He asked her to stop talking to me, I understand that, and in a way, that alone upsets me, but she also has to tell him little lies which he rubs in my face...

Like she never cared about me; I just want to tell him off because I don't want to believe that, I want to hold onto the good memories I have of her.

I don't want the cards she has sent me, the letters she wrote me, the things we did to become just lies.

Let me keep that at least?

I understand I can't be with her, I understand that her ex doesn't want me around either, but why do they have to jab?

I'm trying not to care, but it's hard not to want to fight back.

I don't want to see her that way, I know she doesn't love me, but does she hate me? I want to know because I'm curious, and stupid, and I know it probably won't do anything, but I want to know.

Because both of them said they don't hate me. But then I can't talk to her any more. It's easier to not want to talk to him any more now because he proved to me that he never respected me or thought of me as his best friend. But that's the reason why I am upset, he gets what he wants, and brags about it. I'm jealous, and I want to take that away from him... I want to take what he boasts about away from him.

But I keep thinking, I care about this girl though, if I fight back at him, and I win, she loses, and she will hate me, and that defeats everything that I've ever fought for.

But a part of me thinks she hates me anyway, so I have nothing to do lose, so I should just blow every thing up... but that's not right is it?

The right thing to do is say OK, she doesn't love me, she loves him, and she wants him, and she will do whatever it takes to get him back, and that means sacrificing me. The right thing is to ignore his boasting and bragging and pity that he thinks that way, and I have helped him enough when I was his friend, so I can't help him anymore.

But I feel expendable. I feel used. I feel anger. I feel Hate. And so I'm fighting myself, I'm telling myself, I can love her, and I don't care about what he says...

Go back to NC and stop running head first into that brick wall.

Geez guy, haven't you suffered enough? Give up this UNHEALTHY love. This is not love. Its an unhealthy obsession. Like a junkie who needs dope to survive.

Get some help, ASAP!

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

What do you want to fight for? Her message is clear enough. She doesn't want to be with you, do you want to fight her to make her want you again?

I saw people coming here devastated, work their issues out with time - for some it took months, others were counting the years - but I rarely see someone trying to hold on to something that doesn't exist. You're trying so hard to stop any progress you can make, any hope of moving on, it becomes scary.

I think at this point you need serious, professional help.

Have you talked to your doctor lately about all of this and your emotional turmoil?

Thanks for the responses guys. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple months now; although it helps, I keep on running into new brick walls.

You're right pandead, I'm holding onto something that does not exist. But I feel like if I let go, I'll get Lost again. I'm trying to hold onto whatever it is I am holding onto because its rare, and to have to let go, or to have someone take it away... I'd feel like fighting to keep what's left of what I had.

I'm stopping to let you all know that I appreciate the fact that there are people out there like you guys, I'm glad you guys are online offering support.

But I don't want to fight. I wish I didn't have the feeling of fighting, but I'm having a hard time because I am spiteful. It's hard to listen to someone boast and brag about something that is false, and so I want to show them the truth. It's hard to let someone be when they have the wrong idea about you. Even though I know I shouldn't care about what others think, I feel like a little boy screaming all this is unfair.

For the most part, I'm fighting myself. She asked me to do this for her. What was this? She asked me to give her what she wants and that is her ex, and I said OK, I'm not trying to get in between that, I really am not... but she Thinks I am. She goes onto being cruel and lies about the past, and I wish she didn't do that because it makes me angry. People tell me to do things for myself, people tell me to not let a woman walk all over me. Well. Now what?

Aside from that, my once friend is another problem. He just thinks I slept with her last year and went onto try and date her, he doesn't know about all that has happened, and a lot has happened. She is telling him things that are untrue, and turned him against me... why. She believes that I tried to turn hi against her, but I never did that, I just want her to believe me... and I know I shouldn't care... she can believe what she wants... but still, it bothers me. And so he turned one me after I thought that him and I can at least talk again because it has always been like that after I told him what I did last year. He jabbed at me, and boasted and bragged about how she is his... and boasted and bragged about how I didn't get what I want...

... the thing is, it's not that I didn't get what I want, but I got more than he knows, and a part of me feels like defending myself, a part of me feels like he has challenged my ego, and I used to respect him aside from doing what I did, I used to admire him, I used to until he forgot who I was to him, and he has the right to, I slept with his ex girlfriend, but it's not the first time him and I had a heart to heart, so for him to all of a sudden blow a bridge without knowing the truth... that bothers me and it's making me mad.

But who am I really mad about? I'm mad at myself because I can't just call this silly and live my own life. People say this is a new beginning, 23, single, I have a job, and no boundaries except for this... I can do anything... I can travel the world... but I am stuck here in my thoughts because it feels like this is the end. I have nothing to lose really. My family is gone. I have no friends and I lack the courage to learn how to make new ones. So in a way, that's why I am holding on...

I expressed to him that he is my deepest connection into the Past. I have known him the longest, and we have had our times. Again, he has all the right to spite me for what I did, for I was not a friend. And I wasn't asking him for sympathy, but I was asking him to hear me out because I want to move on. The biggest punishment is that I feel like I can't move on, that I can't let go.

But if I were a man I could walk away... but... once I walk away I am confront with this girl. People say she doesn't owe me anything... and in a way, I think she owes me at least one, one phone call, one conversation, but I can't control her... it's again, just hard to let her walk away thinking I didn't want her to be with her ex and that I wanted my friend back. I actually don't want my friend back and I'd always encourage her to try to mend things with her ex.

But what I just said is bs in it's own, of course I want her to be with me, and I did want my friend back. I was OK when she dumped me, yes I was persistent, and was on off NC, but I wasn't mad or angry. And a part of that was because I was able to talk to my friend again, but she found out and because he was giving her a hard time, she thinks I am working against her and I'm going in circles with this story, I just don't want to be spiteful and be evil.

Then don't right?

It's hard. I just want to call him and tell him he was wrong, that her and I did a lot together, and got very close, close enough for her to hurt me for the most part, and even take drastic measures to spite him further with proof... but that would be immature of me to do that, and I say to myself, OK, I will give him ignorance, and take his boasts and brags...

But then I ask why, he has spite me so many times in the past when I was his friend, in a way that was what built up to what I did and, I admit, I cannot justify what I did...

I wanted him to admit that I wasn't his best friend and he held me in low esteem, that he looked down on me, and underestimated me. But he wouldn't. Before he found out what happened, he didn't even congratulate me on graduating, or getting my first job. I noticed that in certain "friends" people, you can tell how they really feel about you. I hope someone understands what that means.

Again, I cannot justify what I did.

I want to know if he hates me... he said he doesn't hate me... and a part of me wants him to admit that because that means he is responsible for his part in what's going on, but since he said he doesn't hate me, I'm left in the void, and I'm searching to stop myself from Hate.

I want this girl to tell me that she hates me, yet she says she does not hate me. I want her to tell me what she is thinking and feeling, and let me tell her the truth; if she thinks I want to hurt her, let me tell her I don't, if she thinks I don't want her to have what she wants, let me tell her I do.

But I can't, and I can't show her because in a way my once friend doesn't want her to think of me in a nice way, he wants her to see me as the enemy, as he sees me. Yet I don't know why he sees me as the enemy, or is it her that is making me the enemy?

And so I want control... but that would be giving in... I'd prove her right that I just wanted to hurt her, even though I just want to shove what he said to me back in his mouth.

I know I'm going back and forth with my thoughts, and I'm sorry. But I'm trying to tell myself not to fight, not to fight myself, not to fight them.

She asked me not to show him all the pictures we've taken together, and a part of me is raging to do so. And bearing that rage hurts. I want her to be nice about it because she wasn't; it's like she ordered me to not reveal what we did, and we did a little too much, and in a way it's why I can't let go.

We got really close, fast. Typical of a rebound relationship. But the difference, we were friends. And yes I was more into it than she was... so in a way, let me be, I don't want to see twitter updates or Facebook posts and the sort, so NC, I am all for it, just... why does she feel like she has to destroy me?

I told her not to run because then I will feel like chasing her.

But it's like she kicked me and ran, it's like she took something from me and ran. How can I not run after her?

I listened to my friend talking about his relationship with her and it frustrates me because I feel he's lucky to have what he has with her, he's lucky to have had her go back to him time and time again.

He's lucky that I was there for him in the past and I was still there for him until a day ago, and even then he got the best of me, and what gets to me the most is that I have more experience than he does yet he is better at being foolish because I'm am the one telling him to not to try and control her, to trust her, to not get mad at little things, to be confident and not be jealous of friends, especially best friends... she loves him, what more does he want?

Because I surely would love to just hear someone else say that to me, and let it even be a lie...

And I gave him hope, and I gave her hope, and even though I have a hard time finding hope for myself, I give hope to others and especially those that know me well because it's a scary place to be when you feel like it's better off to die, it's a scary place to be when you're thinking about not something to hold onto, but what will it be to make you walk off that ledge... to pull the trigger... to cut deeper.

And so I give hope to those who think they have lost it...



Comment on Cat1864's post

Yes.

I read over all the comments from the past, thank you all for your support. But I'm here again, reaching out to my keyboard, writing about silly things as Depressed in MO says I do. Most of the stuff I talk about is ridiculous, but it's coming from my mind so what else can I do? I can spare you all from endless sentences, but I figure I'd try to reach out...

I think it's crazy that I write offline as well, but sometimes writing like that makes thing worst, so I get online and this routine starts over. But I haven't been calling people as much because those who cared for a moment don't really care anymore. I don't blame them; and again, this isn't the first time this has happened.

A part of me is knows that I need to get over that, depending on people to support me, to help me carry my burdens; I need to depend on myself, trust myself, help myself, do things for myself, to sum things up, I need to love myself.

I guess I forgot to mention I need to forgive myself.

Aside from dealing with the Past as a whole, I'm angry, and I using much of my energy to fight Anger.

Silly as it may sound, Yoda's wisdom, Fear is the path to the Dark Side... Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate... and we all know where Hate leads us... to Suffering.

So I see myself on a dark, familiar path; I don't want to see the End again. But what can I do?

I have to Let Go. If I were in the DC Universe, I'd become a Villain. The irony is, I have always wanted to be one of the villains, I mean when friends were pretending to be the hero, I'd pretend to be the hero too, but some times, I'd want to be the villain. Super Villain of course, perhaps even serve as an arch-nemesis... I'm just joking...

So I'm going to give into Anger, well right here online at least...

I'm angry about what happened because things would not be like this if there were better communication between all of us.

But for some reason both her and him refused to let me know some things... like why they broke up in the first place, and why did she go out of her way to talk to me, and what he was thinking before and after what happened.

I am angry because there are some misunderstandings that resulted from the lack of communication.

I want her to know that I didn't do what I did to hurt any one on purpose, I followed my heart, I took several leap of faith, and I had feelings; I told him that as well.

But the events that played out were deceiving; I called him before she called him and she found out and got mad, she thought that called and call him to convince him to not be with her, but I do the exact opposite; well, first I talk to him like a buddy, he was my best friend, we used to do everything together; I mean that's why at our last meeting we just picked up and went to Vegas...

When the topic of her came along, I'd always give him hope, that he will be back with her because they love each other, but something changed the last time I talked to him; he told me that she talked to him and said that I kept on persisting with being with her and she would always refuse... I admitted that I persisted, but it seems like he was thinking about something else; he started telling me that I have no chance with her, that she was always his, and that I was wrong to have pursued her.

I was confused because he said I went for her before all this happened which is untrue, so I explained to him, and also agreed with what he said, I literally said yes, I know she has always been yours...

The next time I spoke to him he started telling me that I wasn't competition, so I shouldn't have went for her; she used me and that was the only reason why what happened happened. This is when I knew he doesn't know what happened, he just thinks that I slept with her...

He's that type of guy though, and in a way, he is like me, we can't really handle the truth, and we believe the truth doesn't matter, we just want what we want... so I told him that I am going to lie to him because regardless of what I say, he's going to be with her... so what did I have to lie about?

My final conversations with her usually ended up in fighting and arguing, at the time, I was fighting to keep her in my life, but she told me that she can't because he didn't want her talking to me... rewind a bit to the past... that was an argument they had before they broke up, he wanted her to stop talking to me, and fast forward a bit, one of his last request to me was to stop talking to her...

And so I didn't understand why... I mean I am having a hard time accepting how she can just say all right, I will do whatever it takes to be on good terms with her ex... but what's fighting my anger is the fact that she explained and asked wouldn't I do the same thing if I really wanted to be with someone? It's a hard question because my opinion on what happened was that my best friend shouldn't have been jealous of me talking to her, I explained that to him, and he denied it, but that's what she told me... but I understand, if I really wanted to be with a girl, and I had to ditch another girl, and say this other girl I am not attracted to, and this other girl I only really met a couple months ago, but this girl I want to be with I have known for 4 years...

You see... I understand, but I'm angry she had to defame me... she went on to hurt me; she didn't have to blame everything on me and tell him that I was the bad guy and she was the victim that I forced her to do things...

Why... why did she do that? She even went on to tell me to not let him know of what her and I did, and to hide our pictures together, and they were awesome photos even though they were lies, we had fun together... I have videos of her, and a couple naked ones... I'm angry.

But it bothered me that she brought that up before I did... and that made me realize that she was handing me the only weapon that I'd have, and telling me not to use it... then taunting me.

She even got him to taunt me, and that's where I don't know who am I angry at because when he was talking to me, all I wanted to do was shut him up... he boasted and bragged about his control over her, and more, and told me to leave, and pushed me away; that was a sudden change because... we drove to Vegas together a night ago, that was what I was thinking; what is he thinking about, thinking that he had to taunt me? He even rubbed it in my face that she used me to get back at him and that was that, there was nothing more...

... there were lots more, and as a former friend... there was enough to scar him... I'm angry, and I'm holding this weapon and fighting so hard not to use it because I would also get hurt in the process...

I'd be giving into Anger, which will turn into Hate... and I will Suffer, hell yes, I will suffer...

But from experience, the similar situation that happened to me in high school... when I slept with my ex's best friend, and her friend told me to shut up and not say anything about it; I did so for a little more than half a year then realized I was angry at her and one drunken night I called up my ex and just told her... and the weird thing, my ex best friend was there when I did it, that's when we were living together in dorms... we even have a name for that night, we call it the Night of Goodnight Moon because I sang Goodnight Moon after blowing up the bridge to my past.

I'm afraid I will end up doing the same thing.

I'm just so angry; I set up to meet with him to tell him to go for what he has with her because it's a rare thing, and I am going to get out of the picture... but before I finished... my mindset completely changed...

If I give into anger, I would feel bad afterward... well, at least I think I will this time but when I blew things up with my high school relationship, the anger was one way, I was angry at my ex's best friend for thinking it was okay to just drop me, initiate no contact, and curse me out, threaten me and tell me to shut up. My anger brewed to a point of hate and when I gave in... for a moment it felt good, she called me and cried but I was too drunk to talk, so I gave the phone to someone else. I never talked to her after that.

But I am now out of that picture because her and my ex are now friends again. And I am happy for them. But right now, my anger is not one way, and even if I look at it that way, if I use my weapon to get back at my former friend, it would hurt this girl I care about, and she would hate me, but does she hate me already?

And there is the chance it won't do anything, using my pictures to get back at them, wouldn't do anything, telling him what we did, wouldn't do anything because it personally didn't do anything to me and hell, I knew what those two did in bed... kind of disgusting, but I got over it... he even had the nerve to tell me at times which probably conditioned me to not be phased by knowing all that... it disturbed me more to find out she went on a date with another guy...

Anyway, so if it does nothing, I'd suffer even more.

But I want her to tell me the truth, like did she lie to him just so she can be with him? Did she try to hurt me... that's the question... and I her to answer yes or give me a good reason why it's no.

She definitely went out of her way to hurt him, and that's what is making me mad is because neither one of them acknowledge that, I mean explicitly acknowledge that, and I want her to say it the most, I want her to tell me that she gave my grandma flowers and we celebrated my grandma's birthday and laughed and smiled because she wanted to hurt her ex... and I know I want to hear that, but a part of me wants to know if she is really doing all this just to be with him and not me?

So... I'm becoming a sore loser. And I'm going insane trying not to be one.

Sorry for the long post. I'm exhausted.

I know the advice we have given you, but what has your therapist said?

I try to talk to my therapist about what I write, and about my other relationship problems. We only have an hour to talk, and what I say highly depends on my mood. The weird thing is it takes an hour for me to drive to see her, and most of the time the drive calms my mind, so what ends up happening is I have to dig and find what I really wanted to talk about; and this always happens, it is only at the end of the session where we find out what I really wanted to talk about, but time is up, so we have to wait until the next week.

I'm obsessed about details, and about whether the people I talk to Understand me; I know I'm hard to understand some times; I also knew at a young age that I was going to have relationship problems. But anyway, I haven't talked to my therapist about what happened recently, she had to cancel this week, but I am going to talk to her on the phone tomorrow.

Do you think she should read this thread or some of your other writings?

I feel lucky to be able to talk to her on the phone, and that she also let's me text her, etc. but it's tempting to abuse it. And to add some irony, I wanted to be a Life Coach... kind of like the Life Coach Homer had in The Simpsons show.

What my therapist have said though is that I need to follow my Dreams, I don't think I have talked about my dreams here, but they are telltale; in brief, I had 3 dreams, all within a month ago; first dream, an aggressive dog was barking at me while a girl tried to calm the dog down but it bit my throat, I woke up when that happened; second dream, a man was talking to me, there was a fading audience, and he was showing me how to turn water into wine, and I tried and did it; third dream, I wandered a school campus looking not for something, or someone, but some where, and all around were familiar faces, and I sensed them pointing me in the right direction. I ended up looking up the dream meanings online.

A dog in a dream may obviously represent friendship, loyalty, that sort of thing, a dog biting me meant I had a guilty conscience about something regarding friendship; turning water into wine, this relates to Jesus, but someone showing me, perhaps Jesus, how to turn water into wine and having an audience suggests I need to turn what's going on in my life right now into something else that will fit the occasion, don't expect it to be something great, but do realize the significance of the "miracle;" wandering a school campus suggests I let go of the Past, and that's that.

So her and I established early on, like most therapist, is that she cannot make the decisions for me, and most of the time she is helping me find an Answer. Honestly, it's like paying for a friend, and that's makes it hard to talk some times.

I specifically request a female therapist for a lot of reasons, and this reason might even be one of the problems, but I never really had female friends.

I go off on a lot of what seems like Tangents, but what has my therapist said? She hasn't said much, most of the time I am updating her on what happened week after week, one of the first people I talked to said he felt like I was updating him on a soap opera. But she is just here to guide me to my own answers; you guys can see that some times I'm assertive in offering myself good advice, adding an ultimate analogy here and there; and right now I'm calm, but I feel myself sinking, and I can't swim, and so I fear Drowning, and Life is like the Ocean...

I'm finding it hard to Focus.

OBSERVATIONS

You have NO..

Friends, No real ones any way, so you are clingy, and needy of the ones you have, or think you have. You interact with friends and connect, and relate, and in this way we understand ourselves, and can define ourselves.

Outlets, and that includes diversions that you enjoy.

Coping skills, and that should be at the top of your list. As actually interacting outside your own brain with people brings knowledge, understanding, and solutions.

Fear, of letting go, and moving on, and that's where frustration, and yes anger starts. Once you let go, and see all the things to explore, you will be to busy to hold on to past failures. In this way, you can make the changes in yourself with Good Orderly Directions, and learn as you GROW. Your own growth is severely stunted by your lack of exploring, and you are stuck on what was still trying to fix the past, which is impossible, instead of looking forward and making a decision and a plan that you can pursue. You are chasing your tail around in a circle.

Quote:

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I had 3 dreams, all within a month ago; first dream, an aggressive dog was barking at me while a girl tried to calm the dog down but it bit my throat, I woke up when that happened;

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Or the aggressive dog represents your friends you have around you NOW! This may be a caution, or a warning.

Quote:

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second dream, a man was talking to me, there was a fading audience, and he was showing me how to turn water into wine, and I tried and did it;

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When you take advice, instruction, or some good suggestions you will succeed.

Quote:

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third dream, I wandered a school campus looking not for something, or someone, but some where, and all around were familiar faces, and I sensed them pointing me in the right direction.

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Moving in the right direction requires action, and Good Orderly Direction require actual work, and a plan.

You are wrapped up in thoughts, when you should get off your a$$, and get a plan of action, according to what you want, and start accomplishing that plan.

So what do you want fellow??

Oops, I didn't mean to agree with you (wasn't meant to be a disagree either, just got the wrong post).

You missed a word in your analysis of your dreams-may. An aggressive dog can also be your fears or your anger getting out of your control and harming yourself because you are not taking the leash and showing them you are the boss.

Quite frankly, I think you need a therapist or counselor. Possibly even a psychologist. You don't seem to be getting anything of counseling except a paid audience for an hour. She should be guiding you to find your own answers, but you seem stuck in your rut. Let me guess she helps you out. You jump right back in so that you can rationalize the need to pay her to 'be your friend'.

A big red flag is that you knew when you were younger you would have these problems. Guess what. Self-fulfilling prophesy. Why don't you foretell a better future for yourself and work toward it?

A little story for you: Years ago when I was a teen, I went to the lake with my friends. One of my friends was not a strong swimmer. He and some of the others were playing around on one of the docks and he fell in. He panicked and started thrashing around so much that even the friend who was a lifeguard couldn't get close to him. It wasn't until he accidentally hit the bottom with one of his knees that he realized all he had to do was stand up. The water barely came to his waist. Once he stood up, all of the guys were right there giving him a hand out. He could have drowned because he panicked and wouldn't let anyone close enough to help him. Those who could get close had to back away so that they didn't get injured.

When are you going to stand up?

Comment on talaniman's post


What do I want? Many have asked me that, usually during times like this.

I am aware I have no real friends and no outlets; I have been aware of this for quite some time, and at this point in life, it's taking its toll.

Last year at this time I was a completely different person. But I'm finding it hard to remember this person. So what do I want? My friend asked me that last night; I met this friend my 2nd year in college, and what's interesting is, I was at a crossroad in life, I didn't know what I wanted. I was finished with the psych major, now what? So my friend introduced me into the world of entrepreneurship. From that point on there were talks about bring ideas into reality, making dreams come true. We talked about the various skills we needed to be successful and life became interesting to me, and the most important thing to me at the time... was Time. I was obsessed about not having enough Time.

I needed more time to do more things, to learn more. I was afraid of post-graduation and thought to be proactive and prepare myself for the future, so I had many plans... wow I just remembered that I was obsessed about that too, planning things. I would help others plan too; I thought since I chose not to follow the path to become a therapist, I could still counsel others, and that's what kept me going, being able to be there for anyone. And wow all these thoughts are like new to me... I'm going to dig up my Personal Mission Statement from that time... here it is:


Personal Mission Statement

Seek knowledge about everything. It is okay to progress without knowing. Try to develop a new skill every year, or at least improve upon my current skills. Keep a positive attitude. Care less about being right or wrong. Seek the opinion and advice of others. Help others succeed. Listen. It's okay to take baby steps, but make sure they're going forward. Plan for the future. Be considerate of others. Maintain a sense of humor. Learn from mistakes. Failure is not the end of the world. Adapt. Be honest. Maintain integrity. Be responsible. Seek self-fulfillment. Seek self-improvement. Value independence.

This makes me sad, and I feel like crying. What happened? I don't know that part of me anymore, and it's very frustrating, there is a knot in my chest...

And what frustrates me the most is I have this deep feeling inside that I will let go, and that I will move on, and that I will Grow, but I'm trying so hard not to right now because I want to keep a Connection to the Past, it's what brought me here Today, and it would be what brought me to the Future.

But right now I'm lost, and I can't stop crying... everything is surreal, talking in a forum, this crossroad of life... I feel like I can't breathe.

This is stupid, but I am thinking of her, I want to call her, but I'm getting this feeling... like at the tip of my tongue feeling... like I Know something... and I think I got it...

... is it that she is not the answer? But I'm fighting with this thought because I am upset... and I want to turn this feeling into Motivation, but I can't... it feels like I'm beginning to Hate. And I'm sorry because I don't mean to, but why are those that I care about turning away from me now?

My mind is occupied with what happened, I want to ask her why. I'm asking myself, is she getting revenge? And then answering Yes, but not trusting myself; I want to hear it from her. But if I know that, then what? And if I get to talk to her then what? Reason with her about how she is being mean?

As much reasoning I can do, I'm still feeling this way, before going to bed, and waking up, I still feel this way.
I keep thinking there is a good explanation for this, but she is doing what she is doing, I can't control that, and I can't make her do what I want. What makes this different is that there is no some time in the future...

... she said to me a couple times when I tried getting through to her, she said not right now, maybe some time in the future, but not right now, we can't talk right now... I don't understand that. But I have to respect that, I have to be considerate of how others feel because it does me no good to challenge how she feels, I can't change it. But why did she go onto lying about everything? Why. I want to call her, I'm going around in circles with this; I want to exhaust my efforts and give her a better reason to feel the way she does. That's why I want to just give into anger and be nasty... so she can attribute what she is doing to something that I actually did because neither one of them is telling me... it's driving me insane.

I know that even if she talks to me, I won't be satisfied. I want more than she can give me. And that makes me angry because it's true, and that he taunted me about that, and I'm upset that they can talk to each other.

You cluck, that's what's distracting you, YOUR OWN FEELINGS. You are sorely in need of physical distraction. Hit the gym now, worry later.

And in a way I'm fighting this Envy inside me... I'm sorry I got side tracked there... but they have nothing to do with my Life.

Last night my friend helped me remember that I wanted to have Fun, I wanted to own a big dance club, I wanted to be able to look out over the city from a penthouse. But right now Money holds no value; it did so before, because I thought I could use Money to buy Time, and a lot of the things that were Fun to me back then required Money. But now I realize money won't get me to happiness, only I can do that for myself. Money can afford me different forms and experiences of fun, but I realize only I can make things Fun for myself. I Know all these things...

But right now I don't feel Well.

It's only been a week; I want to call her, I want all my stupid questions answered. But I know I'm just trying to make an excuse to call her; I know nothing will change even if I talk to her.

But I don't know if I ever will get over the questions I have, like what made her feel the need to defame me? And does he know her and I dated longer than he thinks? Is she mad at me for something else... hell I'm thinking she saw some text messages between my therapist and I, and to someone that doesn't know I'm seeing a therapist, it looks like I'm hooking up with a stranger... our dialogue consists of... oh I'm going to be late, see you later, does Tuesday work? I even want to know why she lied to me about this one text she got from another guy; I found out she lied because the last night we were together I confiscated her phone to prevent her from calling her mom to pick her up, she was fine with it because "it was my phone anyway" but I got curious, and I looked at her messages and realized the reasons she gave me about certain things were all false.

But getting an answer won't do anything for me, I know this. At the heart of things I envy that both of them can care less, that they have each other...

I'm even more silly to say that I have only myself... and that it seems like I don't want myself... how can I expect others to want me if I don't want me? I understand this, and it's making me sad.

What I want right now is unreasonable; I want her and I to go back to normal, but that's a paradox, going back to normal in a way means that I don't call her, because I never did until we got together; normal means not going to see her because I never went to see her before we got together...

I have flashbacks to when my ex in high school spoke to me and sent some things on the table... remember... nothing serious will come of my relationship with your friend's ex... there is a good chance you will lose both of them, but remember, she is just a girl, and he was just a friend; I can make new friends. Then after that she forgave me for cheating on her, and now she is no longer around; I can message her on Facebook but I realize there isn't a connection between us anymore... it's liberating, but it still makes me wonder...

So I'm trying so hard to make a connection; that's me not letting go of the girl I'm thinking about now.

I'm upset... it hurt, what she said hurt, and it is foolish of me to ignore that.

It goes down to as simple as me saying I like you and her saying I don't like you back.

I'm Blind.

... crap.

Ok. I just deactivated Facebook again; I was off for like two weeks over a month of planning, but.. arrgh.

... pic of her with another guy, that's all I can say...

I'm disappointed because I'm letting her get to me; though I understand I need to get myself together because I can't control others, and whatever another person is doing shouldn't affect me since they don't care about me, why should I care about them?

It frustrates me when I affirm different perspectives because doing so only helps momentarily until I fall back to thinking about stupid stuff.

I'm trying to get my mind of what I saw on Facebook. But as counter intuitive as this may sound, I'm thinking about the last thing my former friend said to me; I had asked him what would he do if a girl used him to hurt someone, he told me he would get mad, but then get over it, and move on and not waste time thinking about this person because this person didn't care about him.

But what I'm really thinking about is how powerless I feel... about how there is no hope getting these people back in my life... about how ridiculous I am because I'm having a hard time letting go of something things that are already gone.

I'm finding it hard to accept that it, whatever it is, wasn't meant to be. I'm finding it hard to accept that I was just her rebound, and what I wanted will never be; I'm disappointed because I wasn't strong enough to prevent all this from happening.

I'm sad because it will take Time for me to let go what was Not. I'm sad because I can't stop believing that if only I did something different, I would be in the picture... and thinking that hurts because I was the one that asserted that I wasn't a part of their equation, then I had to hear it from him, telling me to move on because I am not a part of their mathematics.

I've been trying hard to make things funny and not so serious... that's me, my sense of humor, which has carried me this far in Life, trying to help. I'm foolish for ignoring the lessons I'm learning, or was learning, or will be learning, or which ever way it is said... it was so significant for me to have had taken my ex from high school's advice... a serious relationship will never happen; it took herself 7 guys after me to get over me and that's her telling me that... sucks for the first guy that came after me? And I am in that position and I don't want to be... but I can't change it, I will forever be that guy... and my ex told me to be prepared to lose two friends, but remember they were just friends, I can always make another one... I believe she told me to take care of myself and do things for myself, and then she forgave me for hurting her and then poof, she's gone.

She was the first to reinforce that perspective.

I'm upset because I never got to see or hear her voice again, talking about my ex in high school, and even though it was so so long ago, I'm still upset because that's experience I have that relates to how I am feeling now... my mind is jumping around...

... people get divorces, and... people die...

... I wasn't Married and is now going through Divorce; and none of Us are dead.

Hank's letter to Karen, from the show Californication, he mentioned how people tend to get lost, and the title of my post is just that; it's nothing new to me, I felt lost, kind of like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch, and I'm trying to laugh at the thought of hearing what I just said but...

... I've been Lost for what seems like a long time.

I guess I have to familiarize myself with where I am now.

... signing off, going to see my therapist now.

So my therapist asked, if there was another girl that wanted me and would love me unconditionally, and is physically attracted to me, and she is physically attractive as well, would I still want to be with this current girl? I went off on a tangent.

But then said I don't know; I mean of course not I guess... I don't know this other girl though. And either way, there is no hope, and I'm trying to find Hope.

I gave an example of pressing a reset button... it hurt when she told me she'd press the damn button because I won't, but now that I'm thinking about it some more, maybe she meant something else, but I think pressing reset means to erase memories and go back in time... we can't go back in time, and next to erasing memories is Forgetting.

So let's forget all this ever happened?

... I don't want to forget the good times... and I know I know, I'm ignoring the bad times.

My therapist and I went over how I want what she can give, not her per se... so I need to find that in some one else...

... I know this, I know this so well that's why I'm having such a hard time... it's hard to find feelings for just any one else... and that's why I understand what she feels, she didn't have feelings for me...

... I am trying to wrap my head around how I am being selfish... but it doesn't matter how hard I try or what I say or whether I can explain good advice or not; I need to take action, I need to do It whatever it is, and keep on doing it and never look back...

But I'm selfish because I want her to want me because I want her, I have feelings for her, I am in love with her, but she doesn't have feelings for me, she doesn't want me, and I was forcing her to be with me, and by Hoping, I'm being selfish.

I told her during the final night we spent together that I understand what I have to do, I have to let you go, I told her my plane analogy, I told her I am torn, and... I told her that every Woman deserves a Man, I even asserted that girls want Men... and I am not a Man yet.

I probably talked about that already...

I am sorry for writing so much.

I've been staring at this screen for 40 minutes, it's almost time to get off from work.

It's hard to write after saying I am sorry for writing so much. I write something, then delete, I write something, then delete... I actually do that a lot; I do it because I'm constantly arguing with myself.

And a part of me is arguing with a child.

I'm thinking three years back, to the time when I was explaining to a kindergartner why learning to read is very important. He wasn't in the mood, and started to cry. The teacher later told me he comes to school sad sometimes because of family problems, parents argue more than enough and are getting a divorce. I felt sorry for the kid, so I told him we'll learn to read tomorrow.

I don't even remember why I thought about that anymore.

Maybe its time to quit for today and see if tomorrow can be better. . I read all your posts, and you have to be tired of the same old crap, over and over again. Just waiting for you to realize its you that is that child that wants what he can't have and just won't let go.

Stop fighting yourself.

... it's only been 14 days of NC.

I just want to call her, but I know that's not a good idea. I keep thinking there has to be something else. I keep thinking, if it were something else, then I would be able to accept what happened. But I'm blind. I' blind to the fact that she was just using me, not just to get back at her ex, but she was using me until she healed a bit and found another guy. This makes me angry, and I don't want to be angry. I fight myself because I don't want whatever relationship her and I had to be Nothing.

I'm upset because some things I can get over; I am completely understanding to why she wants to go back to her ex, I mean I have my Own answer and explanation for that, and I accept my answer.

I also accept how she feels about me, even though it hurts, but I understand I can't force her to love me.

Everyone is telling me she is a bad person, that I wouldn't want her as a friend, or a girlfriend, or a wife, etc. because of what she did and is doing.

I want to know what she is really mad at because this experience reminds me of what happened in the past and I know this feeling, this feeling of there's something else.

My ex in high school was not mad at Me, but was mad at what I did. But what her and I argued about before she left me was about me, how she can't put up with me, and how I need to change for myself, etc, and a lot of the stuff was true, I was more immature than I am now.

I just don't understand how someone could react the way she did if there weren't something else.

But that something else, whatever it is, probably won't negate the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me or see me.

I keep thinking there is someone else, I mean there is someone else, but how the hell did that happen? And why? And when?

But then I remind myself, answers to those questions won't change anything; but I keep thinking, all this is just a misunderstanding. I know for a fact that between my friend and I there is a misunderstanding.

He kept on telling me that she used me to get back at him; I know that, but what I'm upset about is that she also used me as a rebound.

Yes I blame myself for all this, but it just bothers me when facts are kept secret.

But the facts don't matter... I'm trying to accept this. I can prove to everyone that she didn't just use me to hurt someone else, but she used me for a lot of other things... but what difference would it make?

So I am near over with using the weapon I have because it won't get me any where, it'd actually make me feel worst.

My friend kept accusing me of looking for Something more; she accused me of the same thing, but that confuses me because it seems like they are talking about entirely different things, I want to know what they mean... they're holding it against me, and I want to clarify what I want...

... but I know what I want doesn't matter...

... and me begging and reasoning and explaining and talking to them won't change anything.

But I feel if I could clarify things and apologize, maybe things won't have to be like this...

... though I should be honest, I'm angry that she used me, I'm angry there is someone else, and she didn't tell me. I'm angry it seems easier for her.

But... so what if she did all this...

I'm not really angry... I'm just hurt...

She doesn't need me, or care about me, or love me, or whatever.

And I can't change that. The only reason why we met was because she wanted to hurt her ex.

And the only reason why she began dating me was because she was hurting and needed someone to be there for her... just for her... and for whatever she reciprocated... she was doing it out of pity, she was just feeling sorry for me...

... and I shouldn't want a relationship like that...

But that just gets me thinking about starting over with her.

But there is no chance of that happening. We don't live in the same city. We're not friends. She lives a different lifestyle, hangs out with a different crowd, and is in love with some one else, and is dating someone else...

There is no way I could run into her... or start a good conversation... but I want that chance.

So what's my response? Get over her. With all my sense of humor, it's like I want to meet a celebrity... I'm making her a celebrity in my world...

I thought seeing it like that would help, but that's far fetched...

I can't really trick myself for that long anyway... for a moment in my life when I was getting over my previous ex, pretending they were dead kind of helped...

It was way back then when I had a second life profile if anyone knows what that is, but I was on the Internets telling people my girlfriend died.

It seemed like that because there was no way of contacting her, I didn't have her phone number, she moved, she blocked me online, she didn't have a Facebook yet, etc..

All I had were one or two photos of her and I and a bunch of love letters. In a way she helped me, and I kind of forced NC by not giving up and was That Guy... she changed her phone number etc. it was nasty.

So I kind of feel like doing something like that this time... force her away from me...

To me it's a better reason for NC. Would seem like I'm in control. Blame would be more apparent.

But I'm not going to do that because it's Crazy and Insane.

And I don't wish her to be dead, don't get me wrong; but yeah, NC does help, just I don't want it to be that way...

And I'm going in circles with my thoughts again, I'm sorry folks.

So... I went to the gym last night; first time since 14 days. Runner's high hit me... for a moment... then I felt like butt... I dragged my feet to the car, and the drive home I felt like crying; but I fell asleep fast last night... but I kept on waking up... I kept imagining that she'd text me...

Morning was rough.. got to work late again; I don't want to get fired, but I don't feel well.

My therapist canceled on me, but just earlier she rescheduled to meet today, so that was a relief.

Thinking about how long it will take me to get over what happened makes me sad... an article said that we probably won't ever get over such things as heartbreak etc. because love remembers etc. I agree.

I had an interesting conversation, discussion with some people I met this weekend at my co-worker's birthday party; these individuals studied philosophy and had an essay assignment; one of the prompt read: must sex include commitment? Something like that.

I was particularly interested in this one guy's opinion; I asked him what is commitment? What role does Time play? Has he ever "fallen head over heels" for someone... and this last question... forced words like the Game and Love to be used.

He said it's hard for him to want to continue into a relationship most times after he has sex because he is afraid to get hurt... quit while ahead sort of mentality, and, searching for that special someone; can't reveal all your cards, not now at least... to just mention the stuff that was said...

... interesting because that's something I believe; something I'd tell my son, something I'd tell a best friend... etc..

Anyway, I have to leave to see my therapist. Hey this post wasn't so bad (long).

... right now I am not upset or angry. I've been building up momentum to rediscover my Dreams for a better Life. Motivation isn't here yet, but I'll find it.

I can't believe I've been off Facebook for so long. If I continue this for a substantial amount of time, I think I am going to have to write something about it.

I've been getting (back) into playing the guitar lately. This is a good and bad thing. It's good because I have always wanted to be able to Play; it takes up Time, is Fun, etc..

But I associate all that I am doing with the past, I associate everything to what happened. My friend is a great guitarist; I had always held him in high regard in that area of expertise. I went as far as to introduce him to people based on that fact, putting him on the spot to display his talents.

But there is so much more. Doing anything with the guitar reminds me of all that; it also reminds me that he is passionate about making it in Hollywood, and becoming famous.

It makes me think of how I don't have a Passion for anything; but I want to do Everything.

I'm not Great.

I know it's not late at all to revamp myself. But I can't help but to compare my upbringing, myself, my life with others.

But I'll stop there; no excuses right? Let go of the past; this is a new beginning. It doesn't matter how I was raised, it doesn't matter what happened when I was young, nothing in the past really matters.

What matters is Now. And I will say it again, what matters is Now, then the Future.

My Heart aches whenever I think about this. I have Dreams, and I Dream big, but no matter what I have to take Action, no matter what, no matter what happened in the Past.

No one is stopping me from doing what I want to do but me.

I'm sad because I have this thought stuck in my head. I'm confident that one day I will be successful.

But what disturbs me is... I don't want to end up Alone.

What am I saying... I'm silly... I mean, first, I need to get there; and either way, I need to get there.

... this sucks, a part of me is trying very hard to think about how much I'm hurting. But it doesn't do any good to think about that stuff.

I can't change has already happened. The more I come to realize that, the more it hurts... but I have to accept because there is no other choice.

I want to say Life isn't fair... but it is... so I can't help but to feel sorry.

... so it's only been 3 weeks, and I know when I am going to break NC.

I just want to call her right now, but I don't even know why I really want to call her. I have all these questions, I have all this false hope that some sort of compromise could be reached... but that's not right; I'm still going to feel hurt, it doesn't matter what she tells me because 99% of her responses will leave me hurt. I know this.

Some part of me wishes for the 1%, for her to tell me what I want to hear... answering my call with her sweet voice... and then talking to me...

But I know I'd want to see her so I'd ask... and I want her to say yes, let's hang out, give me that chance; let me take her out some where any where...

She doesn't want to do anything with me; I know this. My mind automatically asks Why, why why why. But I know why...

... she's not Attracted to me. And False Hope is telling me... not anymore at least, she's not attracted to me now.

And I know why she's not attracted to me, isn't that great? Now I can work on building the best Me, now I can Change, change for myself...

I'm sad because it will take a while for any change; yes, I can change today, I can change right now... but only for a few hours, only for a days...

I'm stuck in the thought of If Only, If Only this, If Only that, If Only I were at my Best...

But the fact is I wasn't at my best.