Today is so hard and I am more depressed than ever. I've posted on here before and my apologies for sounding like a broken record but this is the only place I can turn to for advice.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years 5 months ago (he cheated and probably cheated throughout the relationship) It’s been hard however I am trying to move on as best I can. I have my ups and down days and I do try to get out with the very few friends that I have but nothing seems to work, I come home and I feel empty again. Lately it’s been a struggle to eat and sleep, I guess it’s the rejection I am feeling since I know he’s moved on for sure now and must have someone else occupying his time because he doesn’t even contact me anymore– ughhh, I feel like its day one again. I find myself thinking about him, what he’s doing, who’s he with and how much I miss him yet I hate him, I though I was on the road to recovery! I know I shouldn’t be thinking about these things and I try to concentrate my thoughts on something else….. harder said than done. I really feel that I’m slipping into depression. I want to sleep all the time because that is the only time I’m not constantly thinking about it. Is this normal behavior of the grieving process? Why are the feelings all of a sudden so intense again? I don’t understand myself and I feel like I’m losing it! I keep hearing that time will heal…I just want this feeling to pass already. I was thinking about seeing a doctor, do depression medications really help? I hate to resort to that, I wanted to deal with these feelings on my own but I can’t handle this anymore. Don’t know what to do…please help thanks.

Perhaps you've had stress in other areas of your life, and this is just mounting on top of it... making it worse and worse. Depression meds do help, but I suggest going to alternative routes before seeking medication, such as a therapist or a counselor.

Have you tried to distract yourself lately, or have you been wallowing? The easiest way to get distracted is to pick up the phone, call a friend, and go grab something to eat. It'll help you catch up with friend, and it'll keep you sane for a couple of hours. While you're with that friend, stay awayyyy from the ex topic... focus on talking about other things. You got to get out and out of your head.

Bless your heart! I can relate to so much of what you've said and how you feel. I HAVE been there. Spent 10 years with a man and gave it my ALL! First of all, ask yourself if what you are grieving for is what you "dreamed" a future with him might be... instead of what it actually WOULD be! Sounds like he would not give you the loyalty, respect, financial and moral support, friendship... that is in true love. That doesn't mean you aren't worthy of those things though! When my ex moved on... I was bitter for YEARS! Wasted so much time and energy... but letting go is often easier said than done. A GOOD therapist can be SO helpful! They help you with depression, self esteem and finding other things to THINK about... and seeing the past relationship for what it actually WAS. I suggest a good therapist. You sound very depressed and I've been there as well with all the symptoms you mentioned. I've had to take medication... but I DO recommend that you try counseling FIRST for awhile before considering medication... I've struggled with low self esteem due to my parents divorced and neither wanting me... My grandma raised me. I was then in an abusive marriage 10 years... I didn't know what a HEALTHY/NORMAL relationship was SUPPOSED to feel like! You are a gentle, caring, tender hearted, compassionate and good person! But you have to learn to BELIEVE that. Self help books can be quite helpful. I've read many! If money is an issue, many can be checked out at a library! You need to learn to truly love yourself and be content alone... after that... you can find true happiness. You won't be alone forever! Now... I look back after many years at all the time I wasted wanting my ex back and being bitter... and wonder why I put up with him as long as I did! Believe it or not! But it took me YEARS and therapy! Time "usually" does help heal... but if depression and self esteem are major issues... time doesn't help as much... My heart goes out to you! When you wake up tomorrow... just think... some are blind... cannot see the sky, clouds, butterflies... Some are deaf... cannot HEAR laughter, music, conversation, birds singing, rain falling, etc. Some are in wheelchairs... Still good people with much to offer... but my point is you are young... healthy, bright, have a good heart and are wasting it grieving over someone that is simply NOT worthy of it. Blessings to you! Hang in there and care about YOU! It's not selfish!!

I'm wondering how active you are, and if your wallowing in your own misery? Click on the link in my signature to see how others have overcome the same situation, and come out better people.

Having said that, I know you have invested a lot of time, and emotion into someone who has betrayed your trust, and it will take a lot of time to find yourself, and who you are again.

Don't isolate yourself, as the mourning process is only beginning, and frankly you have much to do. Stop thinking of the past, but of things you have put off doing, places you want to go, and activities you have missed out on.

I know its not easy, rebuilding your life, so I do understand the need for a shoulder to cry on, and this is a great place to vent.

Make this your personal venting place, meaning this thread, and put your feelings where they can be seen and dealt with, and you can get our support, and shoulders. Crying towels are free, and we have plenty.

Here is the right place, you will find many many people are heartbroken, and we all need heal ourselves, to believe those spouses will not come back, they move on, so, we need to move on too, so, please don't torture yourself, call friends, do something distract, there are plenty people on this world, he just don't worth your love, you deseve a better one, it will be time to get over the pain, I know the pain, its really hurt, please don't think back of the past, it does help for a remedy, think forward, love yourself, dress up, to be attractive, you will find the right person, that's also what I told myself.

Goodkarma - I can relate for sure because I am having a bad day today. Been 3 months since the breakup. Been having my ups and downs. Fortunately the downs are much less as time passes but they still come and today is one of those days as I'm struggling right now. Getting over the grieving process takes a long time and it's normal. I need to get out of the house to get my thoughts off her. I think I'll go see a movie or something. Need to do something where I am enjoying the time...

Talaniman secret-

We humans all have good days, and bad ones too! Doesn't matter if we are happy, or not, or in a relationship or not.

When things are great those bad days don't shake us up as much, but when things are not so great, everything seems awful.

The bad news, even the good days are here, and gone so quickly. The good news is it's the same way with the bad days, they only SEEM longer.

The saying, " time flies when your having fun" applies to the healing process.

Weather or not you see a doctor or counselor is entirely up to you. If you find your depression is getting in the way of your ability to function as a person. IE your job or paying your bills, I'd advise you do it immediately. Loss of appetite and sleeping a lot are natural reactions to depression.

As time goes on your ups won't be so up and your downs won't be so down and eventually you'll level out again. While I understand saying don't think about what's going on in his life is like when people say don't worry about something, try your best. Find time occupying things. I personally started training in MMA and it helped me get into great shape and opened up an entirely new network of people to me. I'd recommend something physical that will leave you feeling better about yourself afterwards. Don't do the normal gym crap that people do and say it doesn't work. It doesn't work because people don't push themselves. If you can't push yourself, hire someone to push you.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

Today is so hard and I am more depressed than ever. I've posted on here before and my apologies for sounding like a broken record but this is the only place I can turn to for advice.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I wanted to deal with these feelings on my own but I can’t handle this anymore. Don’t know what to do…please help thanks.

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No need to apologize and you don't sound like a broken record. This place is here for you because you need it in your life right now and these people are here for you because you need them to help you through this.

Dealing with these feelings on your own is usually what we attempt to do first but sometimes the pain is to intense and we need to ask for help. Sometimes we just need someone to listen.

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Could he have learned from our relationship to be a better man in his next relationship?

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Very doubtful. Otherwise, even if your relationship couldn't work out, he'd be acknowledging how badly he treated you, apologizing for it & tell you all the work he did on himself to become a person worth being in a relationship with, none of which has happened. If he cheated repeatedly & has learned nothing from it other than to move on to his next victim, he won't be a better man with the next one only better at covering up his lies & deceit.

Once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater at all. Many people change dramatically all the time, but it is rarely something that just happens automatically, without the desire to & the willingness to make that needed change a top priority & putting new better habits in place (like honesty & faithfulness). Lots of people make terrible choices even for a long time but it doesn't mean they are doomed to stay that way if they want to be different badly enough. There are plenty of examples of that all over the world.

However, with your ex there is no evidence he actually made any changes, only that he wanted you to take him back. So unless he showed by actions that he was making the needed changes, most likely he is latched on to someone he thinks he can get away with it again & probably will... for a while at least.

Your life is bound to be improved without the stress & angst of being caught in the trap of an unrepentant serial cheater... & staying there...

Good Luck!

If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true than the opposite would also be true which it is not of "once an honest person, always an honest person" for example.

Just like people can change for the better, some can & do for the worse. Which is why after decades of being wonderful people they suddenly become capable of doing the most terrible things for extended periods. Some even stay that way for the rest of their lives despite having been good people for a majority of the time prior to that downward shift that took place.

Good people can do bad things & bad people can do good things at least part of their lives. But of course, some people are simply terrible jerks or horrible human beings from their first breath to their last, period. And of those, some even manage to hide that ugliness for significant amts of time to a lot of people. Which is why you often see the shocked neighbors of the friendly serial killer or rapist down the street saying they had no clue & how nice they were to everyone "all the time". Obviously, NOT to their victims.

It is definitely true there is a certain amt of people that are not capable of change but most are if motivated enough & willing to do the needed work, which is easier with the proper support.

I'm still having a hard time letting go. Its been 8 months now and I still love him and miss him so much when I know I shouldn't. I have done all the things to try to keep my mind off him... exercise, work, watch movies, hang out with friends and family, read etc and I still think of him everyday. I can't get out of this depressed state of mind and it worries me. I am 29 years old and have never been so confused about life as much as I am right now. I was with him for 8 yrs and now Im having to adjust without him and Im having a hard time. At first I was excited to experience what's out there for me and through the months nothing seems to be going right for me. Sometimes I want to fall back into the comfort of him because its easy and he did make me happy but I can't bring myself to be with a cheater. He has been pleading with me for months and months to come back and I have been trying to stand my ground but its getting harder and harder to resist. I don't know if its because I don't have anyone in my life... I just feel like nothing is happening for me. I'm afraid that I will never find anyone. I am a good person with good morals and I work for all that I have. I just want to be happy again and it seems so far away. My motivation for anything is deteriorating and I am losing hope. What's wrong with me? Time seems to be moving so slowly. Is 8 months still normal for this grieving process? Please someone help me understand what I'm feeling.

Thanks for your time,
Goodkarma

Stay strong sweet heart you are doing the right thing.

It was false and even if you did go back with him he would still be a cheater
And you would suffer for it even more later on.

8 years is a long time. Its not going to happen over night

8months is nothing. And there is no time limit on the feeling of loss

But your on the right road.
No contact and I promise you. This ill pass.

Just keep on going day by day!

My only advice. Stick to your guns!

Take all that time you would've spent giving time to him and go find someone to donate that time to. Use that time for the sole benefit of someone with a need. It will completely change your center.

Reading and walking with folks at a retirement center or convalescent home. Working late hours at the Boys and Girls club. Sign up to be a Big Sister to a needy teen. Join a busy and active youth group at a large church as a worker.

In short, put some significant time into your schedule to focus on making the world a better place, one person at a time, through your efforts.

That should definitely help.

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I was with him for 8 yrs and now I'm having to adjust without him

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Keep doing what your doing, 8 months is nothing compared to the 8 years you spent with someone. Geez, you deserve all the time you need and I know its got to be hard.

Volunteering is the only thing I can think of, or a class to learn a new skill.

I kind of had this situation where I got out of a long term relationship girl be patient there is hope. You will find what your looking for but be cautious of who you give your heart to but just remember people don't get you down they let you down it is up to you to bring yourself back up. Wish you the best!

The reason you haven't moved on is because you haven't allowed yourself to do so.


He's obviously still contacting you and you're letting him. Let me fix your problem:

Don't call him, he's a cheater. BLOCK his number, BLOCK his email, just avoid everything about this guy. The reason it's still bothering you is because you're able to STILL hear from this guy. Don't even allow yourself to read what he has to say. You deserve better, you know you do.

Be strong about this. The longer you don't hear from him, the easier things will eventually become. Remember, stay away from him and he will eventually go away, including the thoughts of him.

Oh you poor thing! I know EXACTLY how you feel.

First off, do NOT go back to him. He cheated on you. Even if it was just once, he still cheated on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Think about how much it would drive you crazy if you two got back together. You would constantly be wondering if he's cheating on you whenever the two of you aren't together. That's not fair to yourself, and it's not healthy.

So, what to do about your current state?

I know it's hard, but you have to stop thinking about him. It's been 8 months... perhaps you could try dating again. I'm not suggesting a relationship, but just dating might be helpful. I also think it would help to completely cut him out of your life for a while. If he's constantly contacting you, you're never going to move on.

I hope this helps!

Hey Hun, let me tell you. You keep your head up through this. I am a 24 young female, and I was with my boyfriend for 8 yrs as well. I brought thuis guy everything. I was his everything. I did nothing but Love him. I gave him two kids as well.. I put my schooling on hold, allowing him to try and finish. My world revolved around him. That was my first mistake. He cheated and cheated and cheated.. told me no one would want me because I had two kids. The only thing he never did was hit me. But he didn't have too because he mentally tore me apart. It took me to finally put my foot down and say I wasn't taking it anymore, for me to see from looking on the outside analyzing the situation I was in: that this was not where I wanted to be. Now don't get me wrong. I was depressed, sick to my stomach.. honey the whole nine. But its going to take you to do like I did, and digg deep down and find yourself again. Bc once you know yourself, and your happiness.. No one can take that from you. I let him take that from me.. I was wrong for doing that. He doesn't see his kids.. he doesn't want too. Hes with another girl now, and what makes me so upset is that its not the fact that he's with her. But that he seems like he has chnged so much.. How.. Why couldn't you do that with your family?. I wonder... I really don't understand it... At all... I mean she buys him everything, does everything for him... and I'm feeling like that's why.. And I know you ask some of these same questions to yourself... But let me tell you something sooo true.. U two have history... something she doesn't.. Know that this is not a competiotion.. LET IT GO... because when you get over him, and let him go... they always pop bk up... but its going to be UR decsision to take him bk.. friend or boyfriend...

I don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore and I need some advice. Ive been battling depression off and on for 3 years following my breakup from a long term relationship and everything in my life hasn’t been going so well since . Long story short, I left my ex of 8 years after I found out he cheated on me and more than on one occasion. Although we are no longer together we have remained in contact for the past 3 years usually via text. Never anything physical. Throughout this entire time we would text back and forth whether it be angry or him pleading for forgiveness kind of texts. I would give anything to get that life back but with all that he has done to me with the lying and cheating not to mention all my friends and family would not accept him and think I’m crazy…deep down I know I should not be little myself but I still love him and that is why this is so hard for me. My mind and my heart are constantly conflicting emotions.

Within this time having been alone, the experiences with dating other men, meeting new people, analyzing couples and their issues made me realize that love is love and no matter how hard I try I can’t shake what I feel . Doesn’t matter what I do, where I go, whom I’m with, and even how hard I try to train myself to re-think and break free from reliving the past.

I did some traveling over the holidays and it made me realize this even more. While I was away he text me asking again if we can work things out once and for good and for me to seriously think about it. I thought about it the entire trip and I let him know that I will notify him when I return. It left me with mixed feelings. Guilt because I was ashamed to even tell anyone what I was thinking/going to do and somewhat happy knowing that I will be able to talk/see him again because I miss him so much. It seems like time has eased the anger….perhaps I am fooling myself because I have nothing going on right in my life at the moment I don’t know. Anyway, when I returned I contacted him just to see how he was doing and noticed the energy has suddenly shifted. He’s hasn’t brought up what we discussed except saying that he’s tired of trying and that I can never make a decision amongst other issues he dug up which leads me to think he's making excuses now. He’s being passive. I know him too well. I do not initiate contact so I know he sees that I am trying for once. After a week or so I just feel he's just playing games with me so I told him that I wasn’t going to argue or pursue anything more because of the way he’s been acting and that he must not really wanted us to work out. He hasn’t replied to that since. It has to be that he is seeing someone because he wouldn’t act like this. Geez, he’s been pleading for years and when I finally open up he’s acting like he doesn’t care? I know its my own fault that I open the scars again. I just feel life is too short to try again with someone you love. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he hasn’t changed. I do take comfort in knowing that if he really genuinely loved me and wanted us he would’ve jumped at the opportunity that I presented but he chose different. Its confirmation to me that we will never be and that he is not good for me. I just feel so incredibly empty and worthless like I can't get my life together. I know I shouldn’t let ANYONE make me feel like this but I can’t help it. I know I will be better in a few weeks but this just hurts so much.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Thanks for reading.

Why do you keep poking that sharp stick into your eye?

I know wondergirl. I see that clear now. After all this time for once I finally do come around and this happens... something is obviously telling me. Ive been told and I agree that I need to be alone and discover my happiness by myself but its been so long I feel I need someone that genuninly cares for me to start a new relationship with to come into my life. And that hasn't yet so maybe that's why I keep holding out this sick hope of sticking around with this guy.

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Originally Posted by goodkarma_1

I agree that I need to be alone and discover my happiness by myself but

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No "but" anything. The time has come. I hereby declare a moratorium in which you will be alone and discover who you are and figure out ways to be happy. (Psssst, no one can "make" you happy.)

It's January 8th. Let's start today. I'm here, and there are lots of AMHD experts who will chime in with their two cents.

First tell us (and yourself), who are you?

While you're thinking about that, I'm going to make some chocolate pudding and eat it. (Doing that makes me happy.) I might even call my mom. :) (Another happy thing.) That will give you time to think and write. Oh, and you don't have to post it here. Do this for you, not for us. For instance, list adjectives that describe you. Then list short phrases. Even divide the paper into left side-right side, and put positives on one side and negatives on the other. The main thing is that you be honest with yourself.

My money is on he found a new possibility over the holidays, and suddenly all that whining to try again with you flew out the window (his 'tired of trying' is a ruse, and you said yourself you sense that he's seeing someone). How many variations of cheating do you need? He's the kind of guy who HAS to be pursuing someone new all the time and yet have someone to fall back on. Why hasn't he told you the truth? Because he wants you to be waiting the next time he gets dumped. You might as well brand martyr on your forehead.

Many women have a variation on this - they have to keep a man hanging until they have someone new, because they are terrified of being without a man.

:) thanks. For the most part I feel I know myself a lot better but I know I still need more learning. Who am I?. I am a loyal partner who can be a lover as well as a friend. I like to share what I have material wise as well as experiences that will build upon the relationship. I value a true connection when there is one because its so hard to come by it seems. I love deeply and genuinely but when I am hurt my world can feel like it falls apart and I tend to let that control my everyday actions and emotions. I can bottle up my emotions pretty well so sometimes I just become a hermit until my sadness subsides. I can honestly say though I have become a stronger person from this experience. I just remind myself if I can survive what Ive been through I can do it again. I've been happy and content completely single before so I understand that I do not need someone to make me happy. I understand that's not healthy. From time to time I just fall into temptation I guess. I know it's because I want to re-live the past when I was happy and feel that comfort again. My main worry is that I will never get to have a family. I am going to be 32 this year and I'm upset at where Im at in my life. I had to move back to my folks house and was laid off a few months ago. This is what saddens me. I feel at the rate Im going time will pass so quickly I will miss the chance to experience this. I have been reading spiritual books and they have helped me immensely. To live in the present and enjoy the simple things in life. I am trying my best to follow it whole heatedly.

Major branding joypulv. I know this. Its fine if he found someone new. Hurts, but its fine. He going to be quick to forget me than like the other times I need to get that through my NOGGIN! At lease I didn't come across as overly eager and I did end it by telling him to forget it, that it won't work.

May I suggest that since you have finally decided to let go and heal properly after so much time since the break up, you address your more immediate and personal problems, and stay out of relationships until you get over your own neediness.

Don't deny it, because having read all your other posts, and this one, the fact is you make romance more of a priority than the reality of your situation. Not to be harsh, but as long as you define yourself by your rather romantic feelings, you can never accomplish other things to define yourself. You are more than feelings, you are about actions, and you cannot neglect the reality of what's more important than a relationship. It's a hard job you face to build a life that you enjoy without a guy to share it with, but that's exactly the challenge before you. Until you do, and take it seriously, you will never be ready for the right guy to share your happiness with. You have to be happy with your life and yourself fist, and if that's not your priority, then you will repeat past mistakes by paying too much attention to the ticking clock, that's taking up all your focus.

You need a more realistic priority, that meets you very real needs and at this time a guy, any guy ain't that important. A few true friends , and family, is the support system you need to build a solid foundation under yourself. Making a guy the foundation, is a fools journey.

Don't go there.