Ask Me Help Desk - Less time together?

Yes "babe" is a sexual term
Babe noun
1. (Informal) darling, love, baby, dear, dearest, honey, sweetheart, sweetie (informal) I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean it.
2. (Informal) attractive young woman, siren, charmer, vamp (informal), femme fatale (French), temptress, Lorelei, seductress.

Oh we will communicate in proper time. And no she doesn't have to walk on eggshells. She has no idea anything is going on with this as I have not acted any differently towards her. I am reserving this subject for discussion at a later time, when I can approach it in a none threatening and casual manner.

So you married a female, and expect her to change, and conform to the way YOU see the world, and stop being the person she is, to be the person YOU think she should be.

A recipe for disaster. You make up all these scenarios that you put on her, and never take responsibility for the fact that you may be wrong, mistaken, because you base everything on feelings(YOURS), and not FACTS, because lets be fair, because you cannot throw terms of endearments around with the opposite sex, and be cool and casual with them, you just can't understand how she can. Because you have your own concept of what appropriate to a how a wife should act, you think anything else is wrong.

Can't you see as long as you carry your own prejudices, and fear it influences your thinking? Now you can't trust, relax, enjoy, or learn, your partner, so how do you intend to bond, grow, develop, and love.

The main factor in all this, which you keep ignoring, you skipped the biggest part of the getting to know process, and married a stranger, and like all who do this, now you struggle to catch up and understand. Don't deal with her, and what she may, or may not be doing, but ask yourself why you married this stranger in the first place, and how you are going to stay married, and how you deal with YOURSELF, which is your real problem.

I respectfully submit, that you are shifting responsibility, and blame for your thinking onto her, instead of taking an honest look at yourself, and YOUR own behavior, and the motives behind it. I mean, what would your attitude be if you DIDN'T worry about some trainer guy with the body of Adonis being around your wife? What would your life be like if you owned up to your own fears and insecurity, and not blame them on the actions of the stranger who happened to be your wife?

Come on guy, open your mind, its YOU who are so afraid somebody is going to take your wife, OR she will find someone better, OR you are so scared that you will be alone, because you don't like yourself enough, or are unhappy about just you, that you do not have a healthy relationship with YOURSELF. How do I know I'm right? Who else but the scared and very insecure would marry a stranger, and want them to change to meet their needs, when they have no clue of can they meet their partners needs, nor have never paid attention to them, nor taken time to even know what they are.

That's why after less than a year of knowing someone, you have taken a path of suspicion and fear, and now TWO months after a marriage that's all you have to share with a partner, suspicions and fears, instead of happiness and acceptance.

This happens all the time, when we have not dealt with our own baggage, and issues in a positive way, so how do we expect to deal with the flaws and issues of our partner? You are still in the learning process, and will not enjoy it at all as long as you allow your thinking, that comes from fear, get in the way.

If I were you, instead of wasting time tying to change HER behavior, work instead to change your own, because that's ALL you can control, is yourself. If you are not willing to work on yourself, forget being able to work on a marriage. Unless your wife is a lot better at understanding than you are.

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I am reserving this subject for discussion at a later time, when I can approach it in a none threatening and casual manner.

That's a great idea, and shows some hope for you. Shows a lot of hope. And yes I do remember your other posts very well, and have reread them. You have been through a lot that would give you cause for fear and insecurity, but I think with some work, you will grow through it, even at your age, and do the right thing for yourself. It's a process that takes time, is all so relax and enjoy the ride.

Ok, I get it. It's perfectly OK for her to maintain and engage in a flirtatious and emotionally intimate relationship with another man outside of our marriage and I am supposed to be perfectly fine with it. Questioning it or disapproving means I am insecure and trying to conform her to MY viewpoint. Well MY viewpoint does not condone that for her; for me; for you; or for anyone else. I would not engage in such a relationship because I think it is completely wrong and inappropriate and hurtful to a relationship. And if I had a relationship like this prior to getting married I would feel compeled to find another trainer (of the same sex). I would not do anything to cause her discomfort or concern. I suspect if I DID have a good looking female personal trainer, who was also single and my very good friend, with whom I texted regularly and referred to as "babe"or even "sweetheart", SHE would have a problem with it too. Clearly I can see no one here can or even cares to see it from MY viewpoint, so I am just wasting my time.

Yes you are wasting your time trying to change someone when you don't like, or feel comfortable with the way they do things.

Just tell me why you got back together, and even got married in the first place if all this was resolved, and you had an agreement to change and compromise on issues that mean so much to you?

Or did you marry "hoping" she would be the kind of wife you wanted, without telling her what you wanted? Fill in the blanks, because all I see is a failed relationship, that suddenly ended in marriage!?

How did you get to that point?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...on-467551.html

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Quote by Tman
While attractions are important, they are not the whole story as when the lust wears off, and you start seeing other things to like, OR dislike, that's when things get serious.

I think what ever you feel, take time to know someone well before you jump to any conclusions, but have fun getting to know them. Then you will know if anything can be built or not. I just think it takes more than physical attractions, or just being nice for a real relationship to work. Could you just be in a friendship? Sounds like it on your part. That's not a bad thing though, I think.

This may not be the same girl, but the process is the same, and in your present situation, you rushed through things to get to where you are at, and seem unable to make proper adjustments, mainly in attitude, or communications skills. No way you can say you were ready or prepared, or even have a positive course of action for yourself.

Yes that's why you are wasting your time because you are focused on the wrong things and ignoring what has to be done to resolve things or identify together the things that need changing. If you did, you and the wife would be working on it, and you wouldn't have time to dwell. Reread what you wrote, its all about you and your issues, and viewpoint, and none of hers, because you don't know, and assumptions are killing you.

I have never questioned my wife loyalty, because we have never had trust issues because we openly communicated, and I was never threatened by her male friends, so WHY are you?

You never answered the question about have you been snooping on her, or not. Or why you even married her, or got back with her. Whose idea was marriage? What was the agreement?

Show me a guy who wants to control his partner, I will show you one insecure puppy.

Show me a guy who worries what his female is doing when away from him, I will show you one insecure guy who needs control, yet cannot control himself. Are you listening?? Or am I wasting my time?

You will never get secure happy people to agree with you, and you can't agree with us either, because your mind is closed to new, or different information.

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Ok, I get it.

No you don't.

You are so completely narrow minded in your own opinion and thought process you haven't even read what posters are writing.

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Clearly I can see no one here can or even cares to see it from MY viewpoint, so I am just wasting my time.

I, cannot speak for anyone else, am not here to pander to anyone else's ideas, opinions or thought processes if what they're saying is completely inane, stupid or otherwise.

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It's perfectly OK for her to maintain and engage in a flirtatious and emotionally intimate relationship with another man outside of our marriage and I am supposed to be perfectly fine with it.

Er, she was doing it BEFORE you got married. If you didn't like it then and nothing changed while you were still in the dating arena, surely, you didn't think a ring on a finger was going to change that? And obviously you didn't clearly address this issue at any stage, or she would have taken into consideration your thoughts and feelings... but she hasn't.

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Questioning it or disapproving means I am insecure and trying to conform her to MY viewpoint. Well MY viewpoint does not condone that for her; for me; for you; or for anyone else.

Maybe you don't 'condone' it. But she obviously sees no harm in it whatsoever. Nor does she appear to have any consideration to your feelings. Perhaps she doesn't see the need to consider them. She is happy. Perhaps she's completely blasé as she doesn't feel she's cheating on you in any shape or form. As these are your thoughts and obviously haven't found the 'right mood' in which to actually talk to her about it.

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I suspect if I DID have a good looking female personal trainer, who was also single and my very good friend, with whom I texted regularly and referred to as "babe"or even "sweetheart", SHE would have a problem with it too.

Suspicion and actual truth.. miles apart. You don't know. She might get excited about the prospect of you actually having a personal trainer. Someone cute.. keeps the libido going as they're there to drill you and make you feel good about yourself.. and you're actually out doing something pro active rather than sitting at home b!tching about what you believe is right and wrong and yet doing nothing constructive about it.

You're so hung up on terms of endearment that it's driving you to distraction. You should be grateful to have a wife that loves you and comes home to you every night. Be proud that she continues to push herself to maintain a wonderful physique. That she shares her body with you and only you.

If you're that stupid, find another form of endearement for each other that isn't shared 'globally' and so 'openly'. Use your imagination.

But no, you're right.. I'm wrong.. keep acting like an idiot and you'll push her away.

The same words, including ones that you list as terms of endearment, can be used in completely different contexts.

I could call my husband babe and mean it affectionately, as a term of familiarity, or as a husky voiced sexual word.

I can call either of my kids babe in a maternal way.

I can call friends, male or female, babe in a friendly and/or jokey way.

I can sympathise with almost anyone and call them babe in a reassuring manner.

I can get annoyed with a jerk and call them babe in a sardonic patronising manner.

Etc.

You can substitute any of the synonyms in your list and I could stll use them in the same ways.

The difference is in the context and the tone of voice.

You don't really get any of that from seeing a word in a text. You are latching on to your interpretation of how you think it was meant. Maybe you are right. Probably not though. If you are not willing to even consider possibilities other than the one you have painted are you actually going to be able to hear what she says if you do talk about this?

Thanks for your advice and opinions

Where is the sexual connotation in that? It sounds like a conversation I have had with my bi-sexual best friend. It sounds like a conversation my husband has had with her, too.

She loves him. So does Janet. He is her friend as well as her personal trainer. You know that fact. If you don't accept their relationship is platonic, then why did you marry her?

She cares about his health for a couple of reasons. One, they are friends. Two, he is her trainer. If he is injured, he can't work.

Why do you want her to be guilty of infidelity? What do you get out of proving in your own mind that she is unfaithful to you?

Why are you so set on trying to convince us that she is an evil woman who is using you as a cover for clandestine relationship with her trainer?

If what I just wrote seems ridiculous, think about how you keep trying to hold on to your belief that she is in the wrong. Think about seeing her as the individual she is. Not as the ideal you want her to be, or as a whipping 'girl' for women in your past, or as a stereotype of all the women in the world. But as herself, the woman you married and I hope love.

While you think about that, think about what your current actions say about you. Tell me why she should want to stay with someone who doesn't trust and respect her.

Okay, thanks for your advice and opinions CAT1864.

Sad that you can be distracted by your own FEAR, that you may never get to know your own WIFE.

I feel for you.

There is no way there is anything sexual with that conversation. If I was seriously flirting with a guy would I point out another woman loves him too? Don't think so...

Looks like an absolutely normal friendly conversation to me. Slightly 'camp' maybe but camp is so 'in' even for straights.

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Thanks for your advice and opinions

OP doesn't agree with anything we say now because no one is pacifying his needs to be right on the matter.