Years down the road when the dust and hurt has settled and the maturity has come down (?) then maybe we can be friends. In the middle of the emotional turmoil, never!!
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Years down the road when the dust and hurt has settled and the maturity has come down (?) then maybe we can be friends. In the middle of the emotional turmoil, never!!
I am not really for it - someone ALWAYS wants more - + that can change too.
People think it's healthy - I don't - it also COMPLICATES GREATLY your next relationship - which totally makes it not worth.
I agree with his counselour strongly.
It's just frustrating that he made me feel like the crazy one for feeling threatened by him wanting to hang out with his exes. His exes are pretty much the reason why our relationship failed. I wonder if he'll ever find a girl who will accept all his exes?
I think it's a dude who needs a lot of attention then. I dated a gal like this and just didn't think it was right. I think every dude she hung out with still thought he had shot. Very jaded - I think she enjoyed knowing that - but it all stemed from a jaded childhood. She toyed with them.
What Tal said.
Maybe years down the track when everyone has moved on entirely then perhaps you could. But I bet by then you won't want to and will most probably not even want a friendship.
But right now 7 weeks after the break up I don't think there is hope in hell of having friendship. NO WAY!
The first 3 to 5 years most likely one of us would have went to jail if we were in the same town, but now 15 years latter we are friends, still live 1000 miles apart but talk a few times a year.
I really don't feel it's appropriate to maintain any on-going friendship with an ex that includes lunch dates and the like if one is in a current "committed" relationship, especially if the significant other expresses discomfort with that. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with it if I were in your shoes. On the other hand, if one is being free and single and wishes to continue seeing his/her ex's socially then there's really nothing inherently wrong with that. Of course, an obsession with the past is never a good thing under any circumstances. It also isn't good to allow oneself to be led on by the hope of eventually getting back together with an ex if it's never going to happen. Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason.
I could never do it. My latest ex was similar to yours in that he kept friendships with most of his other ex girlfriends too. He had even had an ex girlfriend as a housemate at one time, and she had a fiance' at the time. She moved out when she married the new guy and my ex attended the wedding. I found that to be very odd. He also kept in touch with other exes via email who were long distance. One of his ex girlfriends is now dating one of his best friends and he doesn't even care. He is not bothered by it in the slightest. It's like he can just shut off his feelings like a light switch. Again I find that odd!
When he broke up with me, of course I got the "let's be friends" line and I said no. I know that he found that odd because nearly all of his other exes stayed his friend. I guess I was the only one of his ex girlfriends to turn him down. He made me feel like the "bad guy" (so to speak) in all of this. I still had feelings for him and was very hurt by the way things ended anyway (which was him suddenly dumping me for another girl), so I choose not to be friends with him. He kept contacting me for a long time despite my telling him not to though. I replied to him out of politeness, but finally after he started telling me about his new girlfriend (which was the girl he dumped me for), I ended contact for good. I think he must be an immature, unfeeling person or maybe just a clueless one. I don't really know. I had never had an ex act like him before. I couldn't be friends with him, but I still miss him. It makes me sad, but I can't do it.
As far as my other exes besides the one in question are concerned, I would probably be polite and chit chat if I ran into them, but as far as being friends... hanging out, talking on the phone a lot, I doubt it. In the instances that I broke up with a guy and knew I hurt him, I thought it best to leave him alone and not continue to hurt and confuse any of them, so I didn't stay in touch. I let them move on and find someone better for them than me. Then if they were the ones who broke up with me and I tried to be friends, it wound up that they wanted to turn me into a "booty call". Again, I know some people can remain friends with exes, but I never could.
Sounds like he has a rational sounding cover for building some strange kind of harem LOL. Good for you for not buying it. I am definitely one for not attempting to maintain a friendship with an ex unless there are mutual kids involved -- its just too darned awkward and begs the question... why? This doesn't mean ex's, like terrible failed recipes, ought to be buried in the backyard LOL but letting go means you naturally drift away from each other. If there is no parent role requiring continued contact then I see traces of codependency operating under the guise of being "modern." Nobody is that modern, please (or if they are, then they're being pretty cavalier about matters of the heart and that really isn't my cup of tea).
This is very similar to my ex girlfriend, she kept in contact with her ex's all the time an it cheesed me off a treat - she used to try and make me feel small because if I were mature I would be able to accept that they were her friends now, very good friends? I understand you completely, we used to be together an one ex would ring an it felt like it spoilt the scene an I was like ? And others would want to meet up with her and if I didn't like it, which I didn't she would get defensive? A no win situation where she was in control. In control of me to a certain extent. But now we aren't together anymore all I can do is just completely ignore her, I spent a about 2 1/2 yrs with her an now I don't want to speak with her every again, if I saw her out though I would prob think she was hot - and also she would prob think same of me, so its not as if it isn't even but I think it is a good thing to forget your ex's listern to the counciler - they will only cause more problems later down the line and mess prehaps more important stuff up. Hope it helps at all, but I feel you I had a lot of crap about ex'sQuote:
Originally Posted by daisydew
I've seen and heard both sides of this story... My pops was a pretty incredible person to me because he was always able to keep his old flames close, in terms of friendship, to such an extent that one of them became a fairly pivotal figure in my childhood and even into my early adulthood. That said, he would appear to be the rare case and I can say with certainty that the fact of her did cause my mother some strain (though many things caused her strain, to be fair).
I personally can see no reason why an ex shouldn't be a friend. I know I'm in the minority. I just don't see how a break up can be a big enough deal to lose friendship over, especially over someone you felt so close to. It makes sense if the problems are irreconciable, but that isn't always the case (not everyone gets cheated on/prooves themselves to be vile/etc). It seems like in the case of two people drifting apart, friendship should be doable especially when it's distance that's the culprit. I mean, what is it that distance does that's so terrible?
Yet, here I was not so long ago attempting to be friends with an ex who broke up with me because of distance and I didn't just get the stone wall I got ice cold hatred. And I was the one who was dumped!
So, short answer, no, long answer, yes with a but...
I guess it just made me so uncomfortable knowing that they were so compatible at one point. He has a web page he uses and kept journal entries on there about his ex from 3 years ago that said some very personal things about their relationship. It just made me so uncomfortable that he had this "record" of all these things he said to her back then that he says to me now.. or that he used to say to me. I brought that up, but he said it's his web page and he didn't feel like deleting them.
I suppose I just don't understand how you can turn around and just be friends. There was something there that set a spark off between the two of you... I don't think that ever just goes away. I was at a restaurant with my ex and one of his ex girlfriends happen to walk in, but didn't see him. We were mid conversation and he just completely ignored me and watched her walk across the room with this sort of twinkle in his eye. It didn't seem like he was that over her to me.. even though he broke up with her.
Sorry this turned into such an unorganized rant. I think I just won't ever be able to be his friend. I will always find him attractive, and I will always remember how I got along with him better than anyone in my life thus far. It would be too hard to ever be friends.
LOL... a scrapbook of sorts no less, sheesh! Any notches in his belts too? You are good to be clear of this fellow and let's hope he attracts partners who are as self-centered and ill mannered with their matters of the heart as he is. Please understand that many of these people don't have relationships, they have serial sex partners under the guise of it being a relationship so they don't feel quite so cheesey! And, no offense here, but let this be a lesson learned for you and those who read here. Red flags are not to be ignored. Better to change partners than attempt to change people who behave like this.
Haha, definitely a lessoned learned. I guess I'm just taking the break up so hard because he really knew how to make me feel good about myself. I've never had so many compliments in my life... I guess he had to get good at that kind of stuff though since he's had so many partners. It still just makes me so mad that he made me feel like the bad person!
Someone else doesn't actually make us feel anything. They invite us and we take their invitation or not. If you are easily made to feel good, it often works the opposite too. Part of the blessings that come with age is you learn to rely more on yourself for the feel-goods and you politely decline others' invitation to feel bad. You acquire more of your own power so that others don't have quite so much power over you. Some of what he did may not have been exactly genuine. So you might ask yourself-- have you really lost anything when it was based more on skillful manipulation then sincerity? If you didn't DO anything bad, then you have no reason to FEEL bad either.Quote:
Originally Posted by daisydew
I can see the different views on keeping exes as friends, and its so easy to cross those lines of appropriate relationships.
I like to keep a few of my exes as friends purely because they are good people, but we just were not as compatible as we thought we could be. However I don't see any of them on a regular basis, I would never take a significant other out to lunch with me and an ex... that would be way too weird for all 3 of us.
I don't know if I would eel right going to dinner or just hanging out with a significant other and their ex... I am not an insecure person, and I believe in the line 'exes are exes for a reason' and I don't ever return to an ex... ok once, but I was being stupid... lol. Either way I think keeping exes as friends could be both immature and mature.. depending on the relationship, and how they treat their significant others compared to the ex. It is not right to expect a current BF or GF to get along with an ex, or to accept them in any way. That is selfish and immature to me.
There is no way my husband would ever go for me talking to my exes. I would not feel right talking to my exes anyway. I think I would freak if my husband was talking to his exes. Each relationship carries weight of its own baggage. I am not a jealous person at all... it just does not seem right to carry on relations with exes. To easy to get yourself in trouble even when you do not mean to. Ya know. If your ex was about to get back with an ex before dating you and/or starting hanging out or talking more with an ex after you... forget him. He has cheating written all over him. Best of luck in a happy relationship. :) There are still afew good ones out there.Quote:
Originally Posted by daisydew
Okay, so my ex decided to contact one of my friends to find out how I'm doing. She told him I was fine.. she didn't really think it was appropriate for him to be contacting her. I guess then he asked if I was dating anyone else yet... she said she didn't think so. He said he "had to go before he started getting emotional." Before he left though he said he wished I would let him be in my life since I was such a huge part of it before he broke up with me. I really can't be his friend. It's been like 2 months since he broke up with me but I think I'm still in love with him. I just need encouragement to NOT call him. It's so hard knowing that he might still care... AHH This is so hard. I was doing so well, and now I've been thrown back into this place where I miss him like crazy. How does he expect me to be his friend after he broke up with me? Am I supposed to just hang out and watch him go out with other girls? Ahh he's crazy... but I miss him.
Daisydew, hold on! I feel your pain, just try thinking about something different.
Don't waste the progress of 2 months, you've been strong enough to do that!
I noticed that by myself that although it's almost OK it throws you back whenever you hear or come across any news about them. But remember, if he really cared and wanted anything "aside just being friends" he would call YOU. But I also undersand they don't call because they try to save us from more hurt for no obvoius avail...
Be strong and take care of yourself!
I honestly know what you are going through when I split up with my girl friend I still wanted to see her but we decided to be friends but I don't think that was a good idea as it was so hard the best advice I can give you is to just stay away if he did it once he could do it again if he truly loved you he wouldn have dumped you in the first place move on and get on with your life.!
I hope it works out for you I really do tell us if it does good luck.
100 points for venting in the right place. Congrats for making you first, not him
Yes I agree with Tal. You did a great thing by coming here and getting that off your chest as opposed to caving in to what must have been a massive temptation and calling him. Im glad you didn't. I think after 2 months you are still in love with him and right now you really don't need to talk to him.
Please just continue along the road you have been taking so far. It is a very wise move and I think you are going better than you probably realise.
Continue to focus on yourself and don't worry too much about what he is thinking. It is irrelevant as he isn't in your life anymore.
Well done and keep your chin up! Your doing great!!
I found out on Tuesday that my ex already has a new girlfriend. Not only that, but it's someone he knew the entire year and 8 months of our relationship. He was just telling me he still loved me a month ago, and then I cut off all contact with him. Now I find out he's already in a relationship with another girl. I'm so devastated. All I've done these past two days is sleep. The worst part is that I don't even want to be with him.. so why am I so sad? I guess I felt like I deserved more than a few weeks to "get over". I'm definitely not over him yet; I'm still grieving. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
On some day, at some hour there will be this wonderful moment where you will realise that whatever happened after its over really doesn't matter because well, its over. But you are not there yet. You are still grieving and you will likely be for some time too. Floundering is a part of it but find some activities, seek out good friends, clean out closets, be easy on yourself, exercise, get a facial, sleep a little more. Grief is a difficult time.
If your ex looks like he is over it, then one of two (both bad) things is occurring:
1. Either he is pretty shallow and this is all just a game to him (in whch case you're really lucky its over)
Or
2. He is trying to buy off his own grief with a rebound relationship (in which case you are lucky that's not you).
Either way, it changes nothing of your life, does it? The sooner you discipline yourself to turn your attention to anything but him, the sooner you will experience relief in the grieving process. If you don't learn to do that, then at some point you are doing it to you instead of him. Don't fall for that, Daiseydew, you're smarter than that!
You might just be α little jeαlous... when I wαs 5, I used to hαve this doll αnd I didn't wαnt it αny more α couple dαys lαter I found out my cousin hαd it αnd when I sαw thαt she did I got mαd & took it bαck then threw it underneαth the porch.. not quiet the sαme situαtion but sαme reαctions. You'll get over it especiαlly over α stupid guy who led you on. Sounds like α totαl loser.
Take it a day at a time and allow yourself to feel that grief and loss. Always remember that you are a special person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I know it is shocking and there aren't enough words to help you through this. I think time is the best healer for loss. My thoughts are with you.
Everything Val said is so spot on.
I will only add that although it is very hard try not to focus on what he is doing and feeling. You can't control that. But what you can have control over is what you are doing to make yourself feel better. It won't make the pain go away completely, only time will do that, but doing things such as val suggested will at least help take your mind off him even if it is for a minute or two.
But just realise that him being with someone else now is in no way an indication of you, more an indication of some massive faults with him and frankly one day you will realise that this was all for the best. Until then, grieve away and treat yourself kindly!
Don't let it get to you, my ex did the same thing after 2 years. She's just the sponge he's using to clean up the mess. Let it run its course, I'll be over within a few months.
Thank you for all the great advice. I finally got up today and went out with some friends and I'm starting to feel better. You're right, this is one his huge flaws. I should have known it was going to happen. He met me just 1 week after he got out of a relationship. I guess it just hurts that he even feels capable of being with another girl... I can't even THINK about being with another guy for a longgg time.
Anyway, it always helps coming here and knowing that people feel the same way and that I'm not crazy. Thank you!
I know this is way too soon to even think about but next time, if you meet someone who is like that, you'll know what a red flag one week single is and what to do with it -- either stall bigtime or walk away. And listen to how he talks about his ex - lots of clues there too. This is how any of us gain what wisdom we have. There is no dress rehearsal in life. Good to hear you are up, out and being good to YOU! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by daisydew
I'm going through the same thing. My ex told me that he almost potentially gotten together with someone else 3 weeks after our break up, but decided against it just because he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. It still hurts, because he completely move on. I thought it'll take him longer to move on. Even though we weren't together for long, I thought we had a great connection. But now I don't know. He's changed so much, he treat me so different. It's like he's a complete different person.
What happened to the warm loving guy? Now he's just being an a$$. I really don't want to hate him, even if everything ended I wanted to have a good memory of him.
We never know what is ahead, but we do know where we came from and what we are doing now, so dry those eyes and get ready for what is to come.
I'm not sure what's going on with me anymore. I wake up feeling so sad everyday. I have no motivation to get out of my bed, and I've been missing a lot of school. I thought I was doing so much better. I was in empowerment mode like "I can do better!" "I don't need him!" "His new girlfriend isn't cute anyway!" Lately though, I've just been missing him so much. I don't feel like I can do better. I want him back. I miss him more than anything. I feel like he is the only person in the world who REALLY understands me. He brought out so much in me that I loved. I guess I just feel really really hopeless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to because I was looking forward to my life with him.
It devastates me that he is so happy right now. From what I hear he's extremely happy with his new girlfriend. I feel like he never even thinks about me, and why would he if he is so happy with his new girl. I'm so hurt that he told me all these things about how he thought I was his soul mate. He wanted to be with me forever. I feel like I just can't go on anymore and I'm starting to worry about myself.
How long does it take to really be over someone? I don't feel like I'm ever going to be over him.
It sounds like you really love him. In that case it could be a while before you get over him, I'm sorry. Don't worry, you WILL find someone else, and you will be surprised on how much more you love them, its hard to believe now but its true.
What I would do though is stay busy, if your busy enough then you won't have time to think about it, giving yourself some time to heal and such.
It will get better, don't do anything drastic. If you ever do have thoughts of suicide then I extremely advise you to go see a counseler, just for a while, it will be good for you and it will help you work things out in your head and it will help you move on.
You don't need him to survive. Remember no situation is as good or bad as it seems, you think you have it really bad, but its not all that bad. You think he has it really good, but its not all that good. You'll be fine.
Good luck to you
Hi Daisydew,
It is very normal to have down days like today. In fact I would be more concerned if a breakup didn't effect someone and make them very sad. It's part of the realization of the things that you just said. Realizing that he is not the one nor is he going to be the one. This is all part of the post break-up grieving process. Recognize it for just that. Give yourself a lit bit of time to grieve, but then pull those boot straps up with all your might and pick one new activity to throw yourself into. Even if its just a new book to read. Start slow and don't put too much pressure on yourself to be miraclulously pain free. Believe it or not, you are one day closer to healing.
I am so sorry your are sad and are in pain, but I am so looking forward to when you pop in here and say, Hey, today was a better day. I promise you, that day will come, where you heart feels a little lighter.
Now go and purchase a book or go to the library and lose yourself in the story. Give your mind and heart a rest.
My very best to you :)
aww daisy *hugs*
I know it's hard honey, but you got to keep trying. Put on the right mindset! Re-read your open letter to your ex, he didn't sound so good there. With time and action, you'll be able to move on and find someone better. No matter how bad things may seem now, it'll get better. There will always be something positive and worthwhile waiting for you, somewhere that you're not looking.
I found this picture on a website a year ago, and thought it was beautiful. I think this image describe many of us here. Many of us are left sad and broken by the person we love and care about. We've pour our heart out only to be abandoned. But what makes this picture beautiful is not the sorrow of being abandoned, is the fact that someone notice the abandoned "Love you" sign on a busy street. Isn't that such an uplifting thought? That a random stranger would notice it. It's like a message telling you that, you may be left alone now, but one day someone would notice you, and you'll no longer be alone. So turn that frown upside down!!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...eb2004_001.jpg
Hi Daisy,
As everyone told you, thiese are normal feelings after a breakup. However, it seems like you are experiencing some situational depression that can be addressed by your doctor. I went through that when I separated from my husband and did not even realize what was going on until one of my friends said something was wrong with me, that I was not "myself". She was right, I was not "myself". My doctor prescribed a mild anti depressant and it really did help me. It was like the brain fog lifted and I could start seeing things more clearly. Not saying that this is exactly what is happening with you, but I wanted to share it, to ask you to see your doctor and get his advice.
We all go through those times when we feel so lost and feel like we are not going to ever get back to where we were. It does pass. You will grow strong. Taking care of your physical health is so important in this time of stress. Your goal is to get back into the fullness of life. If you find you cannot get over this boyfriend, I hope you find some trsuted person to go and talk to - whether it is a counselor, a doctor, or a pastor, etc. But someone who can help you sort through your feelings and help you go through the skills you need to get back on your feet.
Wishing you the very best.
I've been speaking to a counselor, and she's been helpful. I guess I have had a few days. I just miss him so much. I wanted my life to be with him, and now it's not going to end up that way. How long did it take you all to get over your exes?
Well, in the scope of life - not long at all. A couple months and yes, it still hurts but it gets better. Once you realize that getting yourself healthy is more important than any man couuld be.
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