I have a question about the NC rule.....Even though I'm ignoring and not speaking to my ex should i keep in contact with his family. They were a big part of my life. We all lived together for years. I feel like I'm being rude not talking to them too.

Sometimes too... I wonder if it was a good idea ignoring his last attempts to contact me if I wanted to work things out. But then I see the pattern of how things went each time NC was broke and so I guess that's why I'm continuing NC... 1 MONTH(THE LONGEST I'VE STAYED Committed TO NC)!! Trying to stay strong here... ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LoveStoned

]I have a question about the NC rule.....Even though I'm ignoring and not speaking to my ex should i keep in contact with his family. They were a big part of my life. We all lived together for years. I feel like I'm being rude not talking to them too.
Sometimes too...I wonder if it was a good idea ignoring his last attempts to contact me if I wanted to work things out. But then I see the pattern of how things went each time NC was broke and so I guess thats why I'm continuing NC.....1 MONTH(THE LONGEST I'VE STAYED COMMITED TO NC)!!!!! Trying to stay strong here.....;)

---

No. That is his family. People come and go throughout your life... period. Talking to them would probably keep some sort of door open for false hope in your eyes. Cut ALL ties, at least for now. The possibility is always there in the future... but it isn't needed now. I am sure they understand.

When things like this happen, adjustments have to be made. It is just the natural flow of life... it isn't anything personal, as it is just, for now, in your best interests.

I agree with Kctiger... stuff happens and you make adjustments accordingly.

Perhaps a year down the road when you have completely shed him from yourself head and heart,you will be strong enough to have contact with the family,provided of course,he is no where in the picture.

You can speculate till the cows come home about what he wanted last contact but the bottom line is you would just be getting more of the same.The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Stay strong,you are doing great. Keep a copy of these posts and you can have an online book.. How I survived NC :)
Its not easy,not everyone is strong enough to do it.
Pat yourself on the back! ;)

Guys I have another problem on my hands. I have a friend that keeps calling me but I don't want to talk with this person. The reason being because every time I do... the ex somehow is brought up and what has been going on over there. I mean I feel aweful totally ignoring this person but I wish to forget everything about the whole situation. And this friend just has a habit of talking about everone's business which I don't like either. Call after call... At home... my cell... I can't take it. This peron was there for me when I needed someone to talk to while I was in the process of breaking up... Any advice

Tell your friend how you feel. Ask them to respect the fact that you do not want to talk about your ex, and if they can't handle that, then you can't talk to them. Simple as that.

I said this already but info always seems to seep out. This person calls more than my ex when I first left him. Is this normal... geesh... again this morning at 8:00 called home and cell. I mean I don't know what it is my heart races each time I see that number

You need to tell this person to stop calling you. Be honest and say that it hurts you to bring up the past and that you're trying to move on with your life. Their frequent phone calls are not helping you do that.

And then stop. It's your choice to talk with her. It's your choice to pick up the phone. She isn't threatening your life or your family when she calls, she just calls. You decide if you want to talk to her.

I know its my choice. That's why I haven't picked up the phone!!
They called at least 15 times total today not including yesterday. I feel that there is a need or something that's itching for them to tell me... And I don't want to here it...
Its just annoying getting call after call... I mean wouldn't anyone just get the point. I just want to be left alone so all past feelings fade... 1 month in peace and now this...

Can you block the number? Some cell companies have the capability to block numbers. If you can't block, can you set a certain ring tone (i.e. silent! :) ) for when they call?

If worse comes to worst, change your number. Been there, done that, it's not fun, but it sure handles the situation!

Today I read a post about a woman who was involved in a violent relationship. And it basially reminded me of why I left my ex. I just don't understand after the way he treated me why I was still willing to reconcile things with him... I mean he would get into rages (whether if it was driving wrecklessly, smashing things, giving me dirty looks intentionally,) and then want me to be intimate with him like nothing ever happened. I look now and I was and sometimes am in great DENIAL. I just got to keep refreshing my memory. I sometimes think hearing about his rebound made me think things weren't that bad after all and could have given him that second chance when he wanted it. There is a lot that I miss but a lot that I DON'T AND NEVER WILL MISS. Do most relationships that end go though what I went through... I don't understand.

Hey everyone,
So its been 2 months of complete NC and so far so good! BUT... this past week I've been thinking a lot about him. I even brought myself down with tears. I haven't felt like this during the 2 months... so why now. Anyway, even though I miss I am able to reflect on why things worked out the way they did. And after all after 7 years, I did have a good reason to leave the way I did... It just hurts.. hurts a lot. What get me into tears is the way he handled the breakup with playing games and even tried to use me afterwards. Thank Goodness I didn't let it get too far. Anyway I just like hearing from you guys. Thank you all for being such a great support group :)

Two months of NC is great! Good for you. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done :)
But seven yrs.is a long time and you will inevitably have bad days that just turn your world upside down.
That is when you treat yourself extra kind.Splurge on a great dinner or invite a friend out to a club or buy those shoes that cost way too much!
Do something for you because you deserve it. You can now officially call yourself a survivor!!

7 years is a long time and there's a lot of history. I'm sure 7 years later you will still think about this relationship.

But you seem to be doing pretty well! Keep it up!

Yeah I know it will take time and I guess as I read other posts it gives me hope for the better...
Artlady, I feel like a damn near survived a coma. :p Now I'm just paralyzed waiting to walk again. And in seven years I don't intend to have any thought or feelings towards this and I'm striving for that day to come.

Do you think it's a guy ego thing... They can't handle someone breaking up with them so they turn vindictive towards you... As I think about things. He really turned the table around and blamed the problems of the break up on me. When for years I was the one trying to talk some sense into him!!!!
I know that I have a lot going on for myself and I have more good days than bad days. Its work in progress. AHYYAHYI(SIGH)

Well you guys are broken, he's not really part of your life anymore.

I'm sure that he was really skaken by the break up as well. He was with you for 7 years. Everyone handles breakups differently, I doubt that it is a guy thing.

Try not to worry about him anymore and focus on the things that are going for you!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LoveStoned

yeah i know it will take time and i guess as i read other posts it gives me hope for the better....
Artlady, I feel like a damn near survived a coma. :p Now I'm just paralyzed waiting to walk again. And in seven years I don't intend to have any thought or feelings towards this and I'm striving for that day to come.

Do you think its a guy ego thing....They can't handle someone breaking up with them so they turn vindictive towards you.....As I think about things. He really turned the table around and blamed the problems of the break up on me. When for years I was the one trying to talk some sense into him!!!!
I know that I have alot going on for myself and I have more good days than bad days. Its work in progress. AHYYAHYI(SIGH)

---

I think we all have a different way of dealing with a break-up but very generally speaking I think women are more in touch with their feelings and tend to get sad whereas a guy gets angry.Anger is just a cover up for hurt or frustration.

Keep looking ahead,all the speculation in the world isn't going to change anything so just continue on and pretty soon those first steps will be over with and you will feel like putting on your dancing shoes :)

Yeah... you guys are right. I shouldn't be worrying about him either. My thoughts sometimes seem to wonder there at times. Got to focus... :rolleyes: :D

I am not sure you can gerneralize emotions of any sort towards one gender or the other. As a grieving process you go through all sorts of emotions. I went through anger, denial, sadness, etc. etc. throughout this process, sometimes all at once. It is the process of grief.

I found it better to handle this first class, so no bashing my ex, no holding her in contempt, none of that. Simply put, until I let go of my anger, I was doomed to live in a sad world, where, no matter how much I thought I was over her, I wasn't. Once you can let go, and smile at yourself once in awhile, you start to realize the true accomplishments of your journey.

There are still some days where I think about her more than I want to. I was actually running on the treadmill the other day when a song came on in my IPOD that reminded me of her, a lot, and I almost teared up. It made me realize, however, how much I have grown, as even though I got really sad, it just motivated me to run faster... a few months ago, I would have gone home and crawled into bed, with a box of tissues.

You are doing awesome! Just keep it up! You are on the home stretch of this process...

Kc... you're amazing budd:) Got into a serious game of flag football the other night with some friends which seemed to distract my mind pretty well. We just got to keep ourselves occupied. Heck, tomorrow, I may even head down to the beach...
I guess my parents are thinking of moving back up north again and it triggered my past with him. Its where me and my ex created our history. I'm trying to stablize myself, yet I find that I got to keep adjusting to change which is a little difficult at this time.

Lovestoned, I know how you feel.
You have to block anything that reminds you of the relationship. I know it's hard to forget 7 years. I had an 8 year relationship from 1993 to 2001. It took me at least a year or two to completely forget her. After 4 months I started a new relationship and it helped me forget. Yes somestimes we will hear a song or see a place which will trigger emotions. But if you can block the rest that can make you think of the past, do it.

Now I am trying to forget my recent breakup and it's hard as hell. That's why I am here, I was searching for answers in Google and I ended up here, which I am really gratefull. I see I am not alone in this turmoil, and it's helping me understand and accept that my breakup happened for a reason whether I like it or not, there is nothing I can do that will bring her back.

All I can do is focus on other stuff and just block any thoughts or emotions about her. She is probably not even thinking of me anymore, since it's easier for the dumper to forget and move on.
Why should I break my head like this if she does not care anymore?

No contact, block the thoughts, eliminate any hope of reconciliation, move on, ask the universe what you want, keep focus on that and work hard to get it.

Hey Hey Piran
Yeah its really tough. And thank goodness we were able to find this site!! Everyone here has gone through more or less the same situation so they can speak from experience. Hey but if you can read my original posts. I was given some great advice from some wonderful people and you can see just how hard it was for me to bring myself to where I stand today. Hurt but not desperate I guess you can say. Good Luck to you and Best of wishes

Hey guys so after all is said and done... he calls once more today and left a VM but I didn't check it and I didn't check my email either (usually he would leave me an email too)

I wish we could have worked on things but I don't know his intensions and I don't want to fall apart again.

2 months has been hard but I don't think its long enough to really see why things didn't work... Or maybe he just wants to mail me some of my belonging. Please I can't do this anymore. Should I check the vm and see what he said. After all I was the one who left.

The scary thing is the more I write this post the more it sound familiar:(

Depends what you want? Do you still care? Do you want to get back with him? If you don't then ignore everything. Don't respond.

Do you love him? Do you want him back in your life?

I do want us happily back... But every time I broke NC he went to telling me he misses me but doesn't want a relationship (This happened more than 5 times)... But wanted intamacy. And he was okay with giving me back my stuff. Took all my cloths out of his closet and everything. The very last time I spoke with him which was two months ago, he got me to call him back saying that I was making the decision for him by not speaking to him and wished me well and said I was a great girl. Then a few days go by we start talking and when I asked him if he wanted to work things out he said " we both made a new life for each other"

So why did he call me then numerous times? For nothing... Just to make sure I didn't move on and torture me the best way he new how to. Asking me questions like would I ever get back with him at stuff like that. I gave him every possible option and he turned down and made an excuse for each an every one. So he basically told me NO!!


And now he calls again...

And I don't want to get back just because he says its okay... I would like for us to make a mutual agreement on what needs to be worked on or else we will be back to square one. But I have a great feeling that it won't be so why am I even thinking about this... I guess I'm just venturing out my thoughts. Plus I think one needs more than 2 months of No Contact to reflect on what went wrong with a relationship of so long. All I now is that I tried... I tried my damn hardest.

It's always easy to go back to something you are comfortable with. I tend to think, however, life rewards us a bit more for going out and trying something totally new with a remade version of yourself. What is in the past is there to teach, what lies in the future is there to learn. (I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but just think about it) :)

Quote:

---

The scary thing is the more I write this post the more it sound familiar

---

There is your answer right there.

If you start answering his calls and such ,you have just thrown away two months of hard work and suffering only to have to begin it again.

I know you are not a masochist so why would you put yourself through that?

I know the curiosity must be killing you and I suspect you will read the message but try not to respond.

Nothing has changed except that you are stronger and wiser and ready to have a quality of life you deserve.

Don't backtrack ,my dear,it's just wishful thinking that he has changed.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LoveStoned

I do want us happily back......But everytime I broke NC he went to telling me he misses me but doesn't want a relationship (This happened more than 5 times)......But wanted intamacy. And he was okay with giving me back my stuff. Took all my cloths out of his closet and everything. The very last time I spoke with him which was two months ago, he got me to call him back saying that I was making the desicion for him by not speaking to him and wished me well and said I was a great girl. Then a few days go by we start talking and when I asked him if he wanted to work things out he said " we both made a new life for each other"

So why did he call me then numberous times? For nothing.....Just to make sure I didn't move on and torture me the best way he new how to. Asking me questions like would i ever get back with him at stuff like that. I gave him every possible option and he turned down and made an excuse for each an every one. So he basically told me NO!!!!


And now he calls again......

---

LoveStoned, this is not healthy. Looks to me like he is either trying to get back at you for ending the relationship or he just wants you for casual friends with benefits. When someone refuses a relationship with you, there's only one thing to do. IGNORE. NO CONTACT. Sometimes when people find committed relationships too complicated they change direction and want to try casual friend with benefits F*** Friends. Are you willing to fall into that zone? If you are like me and have self-respect and believe in relationships don't fall into that trap. It's only more mind games and then they will keep doing this until they meet their soulmate and will end up hurting you even more.

It's obvious that when a person answers something like this: " we both made a new life for each other" or '' I feel weird and don't have the same feelings anymore'' The passion and love they once had for you is gone. It hurts to hear this I know, I am living this right now since valentines. Use logic and block all emotions, you will have a more clear picture of what is going on. They are not willing to make any effort to come back, they want to test you to see how far you would go to get them back, is just an ego booster for them.
You said he was already talking to another girl on the phone. What more proof do you need? Do you want to accept that you can be replaced that easily? I would not accept that.In my case, I know I am unique and she won't find another like me, I cannot be replaced.

Say this to yourself, I am not replaceable because there is nobody else like me. You deserve a fresh start and to be with someone who really wants to be with you and be in love. He is still calling you cause he wants to keep control over you. Make sure you don't go with someone else. My ex wanted to stay friends because she wanted to have control over me because she thinks she can get back with me whenever she wants. It's a form of manipulation. Don't give him this power. Cut all strings and take the power back.

Hopefully these tips will help you. I know it's hard. It's week number 7 for me and I still get flashbacks. But I have respected the no contact rule, never text message her once, no phone calls, no e-mails, deleted her Facebook, blocked on msn. I have disappeared.
I have the power to do what I want now. She has no control on me. She had that in the relationship, but now it's gone. Freedom is awsome. Enjoy it. I know it's hard thinking we might not find another person like our ex, but be optimist, the more you see the future with an open positive outlook, the more you will attract good and positive people in your life. It's the law of attraction. The more people you will be around, the bigger the chances to meet a new partner. Take your time, is only been two months, spend quality time doing the things you love and make you happy by yourself, these are the best times to rediscover what you love about life and the things you neglected during those 7 years.

You going to be OK trust me, and I am going to be here for a while, because I am living the same situation. So I want to see all my friends here get better and tell me how they are improving their life. I want your feedback. ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

He is still calling you cause he wants to keep control over you.

---

I know this all to well... our whole relationship revolved around him trying to control me. And no he will never find anyone like me. And in ways I feel like yeah he wants to keep me around just in case he can't find anyone else that can compare to me. Loser :D

He only left one message on my phone and I'm going to erase it... Why hear what he has to say... The thing is... I miss him but I know I CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER. Its like I live and have lived in denial. FOR GOODNESS SAKE I BROKE UP WITH HIM BECAUSE I WAS NOT HAPPY for a very long time. I guess I gave him too many chances or gave myself false hope back then thinking things would change. He was disrespectful to me and towards my parents... whats wrong with me? :eek: And I won't even mention the worse cause its humiliating to even say. I know everything comes in time. Keep you guys posted on things. :)

There you go you are seeing the picture now. Unfortunately people don't change, If they really love you they will improve for you, but in the long run their bad habits won't change and they keep repeating the stuff that hurt you. I think we miss our ex's because we got used to their company and we got attached. Break that pattern and when you start missing, change channel, get yourself on a different frequency. Tune your mind into new positive thoughts, come here and start a thread or post a comment, write down all the bad things you endured. Is not fun I know, I feel the same, every day I do little steps to forget her.

You know I was depressed for 6 weeks. During these 6 weeks, I had a chance to stay in my room and not go out and spend money, I saved, I read a lot of articles on the net, I focused on what I want in a woman and what I will give her in return.
So I see only the good things about this break up. It Opened my eyes.

I also see the fact that I lost my job as a good thing, because I was not happy where I was working and it was very far from home. I will find a better job and a better relationship. This is my short term goal.

Don't see your break up as a wasted 7 years. See it as experience that will serve you in the future. You will not repeat the same mistakes. You will see the first signs if you not sure about a relationship a lot quicker.

We should'nt be a 2nd option or a plan B for anyone. ''He was disrespectful to me and towards my parents'' that is a serious crime in a relationship. No respect = ? No love. Love is built with respect. If your partner cannot demonstrate respect and takes you for granted, you have your answer. My ex did not respect me enough, no kidding she said she did'nt have the same feelings for me anymore, she could not respect me as much as I respected her. Maybe they not mature enough. Maybe one day they will realize what they had and regret it deeply.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

Don't see your break up as a wasted 7 years. See it as experience that will serve you in the future. You will not repeat the same mistakes. You will see the first signs if you not sure about a relationship a lot quicker.

---

I don't see it as wasted years at all. I learned a whole lot from it. Believe me when I tell you this. I know now the first time a guy punches a whole through your wall a couple of months after you met... THERE'S A HUGE PROBLEM.

As I was erasing his VM just now it gave me the goose bumps. I heard his voice, "Yo!" and that was it. His tone wasn't sincere at all. Shook me a little but still got a smile on. And I'm kind of doing the things you're doing. Thinking about what it is that I truly want for myself and how I would like another relationship to be. Of course it won't happen over night. But just reflecting on things. I have people that would like to go on dates with me but I just don't know if I'm able to hold conversation with another like that just now. Its weird... I rather meet to be friends but not to talk about each other like that... I don't know this is a process... huh?

It's normal, your not ready to be in a relationship right now. I am feeling the same. We need to be comfortable with ourselves again and be happy with ourselves before we can go back in dating again. This is normal. I say to be more selective and picky in the future and don't settle for someone who has a bad attitude to begin with. Do some filtering. It's funny how nice they are in the first months and then you start to see their true colors.

I was in shock after 2 weeks we were together she gave me 2 ultimatums. I never met anyone in my life doing this so early in the relationship. These were signs I ignored or did'nt took seriously enough.

Once we were going to spend a day at the water parc with her family and just because I wanted to bring some food she called me a ''retard''. Saying that her family will bring the food. Was it a reason to insult me like this?

We should not tolerate people with bad attitude, never.

In my case, controlling behavior has been passed down within my ex's family so he will try this behavior again... I'm sure of it. (Its normal to him) I never got to hear much about his last relationship before ours; however, I did here things like she was crazy and that he bascially choked her once. So there we have it.

When we first met I was too young to understand what all this meant. Now I know and am wiser and aware of the red flaggs. Healthy people don't change their mannerism once their comfortable. Or at least worsen for that matter. And people who truley value you as a person will never speak down to you or threaten you or scare you but put your feelings into great consideration

Today I deleted my ex's familys email address's I should have taken them off a long time ago. I just don't need to see any familiar names and stuff. Forget the past... whats up with the new?!

We should never endure anyone's bad behavior, you did the right thing. A relationship should be sharing and mutual respect. Not power struggle or manipulation.

''And people who truley value you as a person will never speak down to you or threaten you or scare you but put your feelings into great consideration'' True that! She used a lot of speaking down to me, and threatened to break up many times with me if she did not get things her way.

With the new? Well moving on, one day at a time. Friday is hopefully the last time I see her.

Guys what is going on??
I feel like the break-up is still fresh but the thing is it happened in August!!!
:( Could it possibly be because I last talked to him about three months ago and maybe to me that was the final breakup? Maybe that was my final hope that I lost of us ever getting back together?? What am I doing wrong here. I 'm not rushing into a relationship. I go out when I can. I just don't get it. This is the most painful thing ever... I don't even think child birth could come close to this. I'm fine one day and then the next day I'm here posting a fr***** sobb story... UGGH.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LoveStoned

Guys what is going on????
I feel like the break-up is still fresh but the thing is it happened in August!!!
:( Could it possibly be because I last talked to him about three months ago and maybe to me that was the final breakup?? Maybe that was my final hope that I lost of us ever getting back together??? What am I doing wrong here. I 'm not rushing into a relationship. I go out when I can. I just don't get it. This is the most painful thing ever....I don't even think child birth could come close to this. I'm fine one day and then the next day I'm here posting a fr***** sobb story....UGGH.

---

Your still healing, maybe its just taking longer than you thought. Maybe speaking to him 3months ago was your final closure andt this is why you are still hurting because it was the time to finally let go and move on.

No worries Lovestoned! Just carry on (like I do :cool:) and continue getting better. Sometimes emotions just hit and there is nothing you can do about them. You will get better. No one said you HAD to be over this in a certain amount of time. It takes how ever long it takes.

Missy that's just how I feel. I lost hope from making it a permanent choice to do NC. Its like for two months I was okay (still not over it) but okay and then I took a fall for the worse. Today I felt like it was just yesterday that I broke up with him... crying, isolating myself... you know that first initial feeling.

KC... how long ago was your situation?

Also, there's this other guy that wants to be more than friends with me but I told him over and over again that I'm still hurting from the last relationship. Its weird cause we just met and hung out once or twice. He expects me to call him as if we are dating. I told him we could be friends. I sensed that he got mad but hey it's a process that I need time for. Do you think maybe that we should back off each other. Its like I want to meet new people and all... but don't want a relationship with them... but they can't seem to understand. I'm just confused with how to go about life for the moment being. AND MISSING MY EX ALL AT THE SAME TIME. The thought about how he easily was able to be intimate with another right after me is killing me... I mean was I blind by the love that I had for him back then too? I remember all the lies he told me. And just things that I didn't pay much mind to which all comes to me now that he cheated on me. He lied about coming back from a trip he supposedly took for 2 weeks. (I heard he came back 1 1/2week earlier and lied that he came back one day ealier) He would end conversations on the phone when I got to close. (Maybe that's why he had the audacity to call me nieve.) Cause I believed all his lies. He was so worried about what I was doing or who I was with because of he was guilty of disloyalty himslf. Maybe he never cared for me and just got attached and that's why he hurted for a little while. Which comes to my conclusion that this is why he was able to try to talk to me while still talking to another girl.

I think it's a good thing that you have lost hope to get back with your ex, as this means you can fully move on.

The memories are still fresh in your mind, the break up has effected you emotionally, so it is expected for you to feel upset for sometime. Its not an easy process to go through.

Your doing the right thing with this guy that wants to date you, I was in the same situation a few months back. I was fresh out of a break up and this new guy wanted to be more than friends, in the end I blew him of totally because he didn't understand that I was not over my last realationship.

Im in NC with my ex, it been about 2months now, I'm happier that the first few weeks but I still hurt. There is times when I want to cry, the good memories are a downfall, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about him. And I know its going to take a lot longer to get him out of my system.

When you start to feel upset pick yourself up and do something, crying and insolating yourself will not help. Do something that you like and think positive. Be strong.

Why have hope to get back with an ex that treated us bad? Why repeat this agony over and over? They won't change, it's a pattern. Even if you reconciliate, they just going to be nice for a few weeks, a month tops. Then the arguments will start again and soon enough you are back in the same game. I prefer to be with a new partner.

In my case, I found a great woman this week, we had our first date yesterday and it was awsome. We went for coffee, and we clicked right away, then went for drinks and shared a great italian desert I made for her in my car listening to some music. Nothing complicated, just simple small things.

So now let me ask you, why be with someone that makes your life hell and plays with your head, when you can meet someone else that will love you for real and want to be with you. I am happy now, my ex is long gone and I have moved on. I know that if she wanted me back now, it would be a definite NO NO from my part, because the trust I had in her has been broken for good and will not risk being dumped again.

Lovestoned, do not be afraid of starting something with a new person. Better to start fresh then try to fix an old relationship. If you need more time, take the time you need, you will know when you are ready. I got tired of dwelling on past and having anger inside, it was just hurting me to the point I said enough is enough.

Start thinking in an optimist mindset and use the law of attraction to bring good in your life. You will start to see the light and you will get out of the dark side. I know it seems hard to do this without your ex, but you will be a lot happier.

Be strong! :-)