I agree break ups suck... a lot! And I know I'm not even close to being over the hump to get it back together. I see what your getting at about getting up and moving on. But I don't think I really made a mistake by her... I loved her unconditionally, cared for her like nothing else mattered, and supported her through all of her decisions, and from what I saw she did all the same for me. I'm not trying to contradict what your saying by any means and I do understand your point, its an essential part of life, getting back up when were down.
Everyone here has been very helpful and I can't say thank you enough. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'm trying to sort them all out one day at a time.

Focus on you. Clearly she doesn't care about you. So try not to think about her and every time you start to think of her.. stop.

Acceptance is so important. This is not about you have to do something wrong or she has to be a bad person. You might, in actual, care for her a lot, treat her right, always be by her side, and devote 100% in this relationship. She might also used to be so good to you or even now she might still care and think about you as a good friend. But the fact is that she no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. You two broke up already.

You seem to still dwell on the past and try to figure things out. Again, as telling you, she migh want something else in life, her feelings might have changed, or she might find someone else who may not as good as you in terms of love and devotion, but for some unexplainable reasons, she fell so hard for him. You will never know exactly why. PLEASE DON'T DWELL ON ALL THESE THOUGHTS, wasting time figure out whether it's your false or her false. Accept it as it actually happened is the first step you have to take before you can really move on. You can't change the past.

I know and I believe that you are a good person who truly loves her, but this doesn't mean she has to want to be in the relationship with you forever. Lot of people dumped a really good caring person to find someone else or something else (better or worse it's their own choice in life). It's their decision to move on to other things and you don't have to blame yourself or blame her about it or spending time figure things (in the past) out. It's her choice to give up on the relationship and it's also your choice whether to move on or to dwell on it.

Be strong, it's going to be hard and it takes times as lot of people told you. You might cry, you might think about it, you might feel so upset: it's a process you have to get through. Please just keep fighting all those negativities and hold your head high.

You can CHOOSE to talk to her, or reply to her texts, or even meet her, or try to be friends, or try to win her back, whatever it's your choice. Don't worry that just saying no to her that you couldn't go out to have lunch with her was a big deal. All I can say is that, if you want to heal and successfully move on with your life, keeping in touch with her wouldn't help and it will only delay and make it more difficult for you to get over her.

Comment on awayandalone's post

No you didn't make a mistake by her, she made the mistake by not loving you enough, yes sure when things were good you were feeling equal, but where are things now where is she.. her actions have shown you her true feelings..

Bottom line is this, if she loved you enough or the same she would be with you.. but that's not the case, sometimes people stay because they get comfortable with the way things are, by you moving away and not spending as much time.. her true feelings were shown. Believe me if she truly loved you there would be nothing she wouldn't do to be with you.vice versa right?
I was told once. Girls don't know what they want.. they think they know and when they have it they don't want it. Or don't appreciate it. GIRLS can deny it.. but the truth is.. when we have a bad guy or a guy that cares less about us then we do for them.. we crave for the love and attention and compassion, ANd when we get it the love and attention we need, we usually look for that bad guy someone that doesn't want us so we can prove how good we are and how much we can make them want us. Most girls haven't learnt to appreciate what they have when its good. Therefore losing out on good guys like you! Honest if she comes back to you, awesome.. but I would move on before or if that ever happens because she clearly doesn't feel the same way about you. You shouldn't waste your breath or invest so much time into her when clearly she is not doing the same, I understand these chat things help, but even doing this you are still giving her too much of your time, too much of you. Get you right, get over her and you will be a better stronger person for it.. and pray, I guarantee you will find your true love.. she's not it! Xx Veeva

Thank you all. I start my bartending class next week. So hopefully that will keep me busy for the next three weeks. Ill use that time to try and stay off here and post back after with how I'm doing. All the advice and comments have been super helpful! Thanks!

So I said I wouldn't post for a while but something has been burning in my mind and I feel I need to write it out somewhere for fear of calling her because I know that would end badly and I don't want too. Basically this is things I want to ask her but by writing here I'm hoping I won't.

Why is she letting herself do such stupid ****, smoking pot, drinking regularly, losing focus in school and letting her grades slip? She broke up with her last boyfriend because he was a pot smoker, why let herself become the thing she hated most? Why the F*** did she give up us give up on me... she pushed me to take this internship, I took to progress my future to provide a better future for the both of us, and rather than love me deeply and forever like she always promised she let someone else take my place and gave up. She was the most sweet caring loving individual I had ever met, she was goal oriented, determined to be the best nurse she could be, and now she's another d*** party girl sleeping around with god only knows who. I mean nothing to her anymore, she tells me she cares about me, but that can't be true because the girl that cared about me called to see how I was doing how my day was, now I haven't even received a f***ing thing from her to even see if I'm still alive. I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth and it would never matter to her. She said I was perfect the one for her the man she wanted to spend her nights with and wake up each morning next too, how did I go from being perfect to imperfect in a little over a week with no prior indication that things were going wrong. She cares nothing about me anymore and yet I still want to be with her, I feel like something is wrong with me, we shouldn't want the things that hurt us. No one wanted to be friends with the kid that bullied them in school so why do I want to be with a girl who had my heart in her hands and smashed it to bits without even blinking an eye.
What pisses me off is were told as kids to pursue the things we love most, go after our dreams and live life to the fullest. Well in my opinion she was my dream girl but if I pursue her she'll run and resent me. How come were told to pursue everything in life that we love but not love itself? Instead of trying to win her everyone every one says NC and forget, which I must say after some time now is starting to help I do notice myself thinking about her less and when I do it doesn't hurt as bad, but lets say we don't get a job we want the first time we improve our resume and try again. Or the one thing we've heard over and over again since we were kids IF YOU FALL OFF THE HORSE YOU GET RIGHT BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN! But no where in that saying does it say to find a new horse to ride. I know there are many fish in the sea many singles out there just like me waiting to find that right person, but when we've fallen for a fish that feels so right shouldn't we try to catch it and keep it or do we really throw it back and hope one day it will nibble our line again?
I don't know if I'm making any sense here I feel like I'm just rambling and venting and I in no way intend to offend anyone on here because all the advice I've received has been so helpful. Thank you to everyone who's continued to help and read my posts. Starting bar tending school today and I am so excited for it!

Nice vent. Great actually. But you have to understand, not only did her feelings change about you, they changed about life. I suspect they changed about life, before they changed about you. That's what happens first, we start to see a bigger world with many temptations, and what to experience more. It happens all the time.

We just start to want different things, so we go after them. Usually its about them, and not you. The real test for you is not what happened, but how we cope with it, even if we don't quite understand it. Trust me, you will one day, when its you who have a change in feelings.

Thanks Tal. So I wanted to update because well I've been back and forth with my emotions. A week I ago I started taking my bar tending class and it has been very helpful for my emotions as well as taken my mind off her for the time being. When I'm at the class I'm around fun enjoyable people and when I'm home I'm studying the things I need to know for the class. However, I still find myself thinking about her, not as often as I was a few weeks ago, and when I do sometimes its just a passing thought and other times I just cry for no reason. I find myself missing the caring sound of her voice or the way she used to put this huge smile and run up to hug me when she hadn't seen me in a few days.

I'm doing much better in NC and have refrained from calling, texting, or anything even though lately I've had urges to call her. I think that came from the fact that a week ago today she sent me a message saying she misses me, misses how we used to talk but knows we can't talk because she doesn't want to give me false hope. Then went on to say that she thinks about me all the time and wants to know if I'm OK and happy. Then just said she was happy I started bar tending, not sure how she knew about that, but that's besides the point. I didn't respond to the message and it made me wonder if she doesn't want to give me false hope by talking... then why message me in the first place? I feel like every time I see something from her I'm just taking another step back. Then I wanted to respond and tell her I'm doing fine I'm just unhappy that she isn't with me anymore and that I miss her more than anything, reluctantly I refrained from responding and I'm happy about it. Though now a week has passed since I got that message and I'm starting to think I will never hear from her ever again and that's starting to pull on my emotions because I never wanted to lose her.

I am happy to say once I get going with my day I'm usually able to put a smile on and find something about the day that makes me happy. Its just those small moments where she crosses my mind that I start to feel sad again and I wish I could just make those moments stop. I know I still have a long way to recover from this blow to my heart but I at least think I'm making some progress. Thanks again to everyone.

So sleep is starting to become difficult for me again and I have no idea why. In a way I feel like I'm going through a very violent and depressing withdrawl. I haven't contacted her in a little over 3 weeks now and last heard from her about a week ago. During the day I seem to be doing OK if I'm busy and not thinking about her. However, everyday day before I fall asleep I find her on my mind and I feel trapped like there is nothing I can do to get her off my mind. Then when I finally fall asleep I jump awake from constantly having dreams of her and wake in a cold sweat. Then once I finally wake up in the morning if I've slept it all she continues to be the first thought on my mind. Why is this happening to me? I still miss her so much and I still want nothing more than to have her back in my life. Its driving me mad. I'm starting to eat more regularly again but I'm sure its still not a healthy amount.
I can't fight this feeling that I never should have taken this internship I should have stayed with her at school for another year and tried for the internship the year after. But then I think if I didn't take it id regret not doing it as well. I just want to be happy again, not in sparadic moments, but truly happy all the time like I used to be when I was with her. Any thoughts our comments would be appreciated! Thanks

There are a few things you can do to relieve your stress. Are you exercising? It relaxes your mind and body, and it's an outlet for negative emotions. It will also increase your self-esteem and self-worth by knowing you are doing something good for yourself. I think it's especially beneficial if you find an exercise you enjoy, as having fun is important to your healing process.

Melatonin can help you sleep better. You can buy this supplement over the counter at health food stores, drugstores, or on-line. I've used it a few times, just for the short-term, when I've had trouble sleeping. I find that it relaxes me enough that I can go to sleep and stay asleep.

You could try yoga or meditation to relieve your stress. Simple breathing exercises will also help. Deep breathing exercises work. Practice this once or twice a day, trying to be consistent in your times, and not when you are sleepy. Sit comfortably with your back straight, with one hand on your chest and the other hand on your abdomen. Breathe deeply from your abdomen - Breathe in through your nose. The hand on your chest should barely move, while the hand on your abdomen will rise. Exhale through your mouth, pushing out as much air as you can and contracting your abdominal muscles. You only need to do this for a few minutes once or twice a day to make a difference.

One of the things that helped me a lot when I had trouble sleeping was progressive muscle relaxation. I used this for the times I woke up, as you described when you said you woke up with a jolt. You can do this while still lying down in bed. Take a few minutes to relax, breathing in and out in slow, deep breaths. Start with one foot. Slowly tense the foot, squeezing as tightly as you can to a count of ten. Relax the foot, concentrating on the tension flowing away and the feeling of relaxation in the foot. Stay in this relaxed mode for a moment, and then switch to the other foot. You continue this up your legs one at a time, first the calf muscles and then the thigh muscles. Continue the process up your body: butt, abdomen, hands, arms, chest, neck and face. Don't rush it. By the time you are done, you will be amazed at how much better you feel. For me, it almost always worked to calm me enough to go to sleep. If it didn't, I did the process a second time.

The biggest thing that will help is time. It isn't surprising that you are having difficulty after three weeks. It will get better.

You will have bad days, and good days, and its very normal for fear, and doubt to creep into your thinking, but it fades if you don't dwell on it.

Feelings are like the weather, subject to change with conditions. You don't question the rain, just hope it stops soon, so the sun can come out. So it is with your feelings, they will rise again, but the whole point in the process, is learning to cope with your negative feelings in positive ways so you don't get stuck on them.

Your negative feelings are still very fresh, and makes weird dreams that much more dominant, but you will adjust, its only been a few weeks, and a week since last contact. It will get better. Doesn't matter if it's a break up, death of a close family member, or the dog running away, there are plenty of tests to your coping skills in life, so this is but one of many. You will survive, no matter what life throws at you.

Just looking:
Thank you for your advice. I'm actually going on a little over 2 months since we broke up its just been 3 full weeks now I've sustained NC and one week since she last messaged me.
Ive been working out and that has helped a lot, lost some weight and am really starting to get in shape again which is really helping my confidence and I definitely went and bought melatonin about a week or so after she broke up with me. I guess the sleeping troubles are coming back because I stopped using it for a while and wanted to try sleeping without but ill probably use it again.

I've always heard breathing exercises help but I've never known a defined way to do it properly so I will give your suggestion a try and try to make it a part of my daily routine. I've never heard of muscle relaxing either but I see your point and see how that can be helpful ill give that a try as well. Hopefully the combination of those exercises and melatonin will help me sleep better.

Tal as always thank you, your words are always encouraging and good to hear. Some days I find myself coping better than others and on the bad days I've been trying to encourage myself to know that I've had good days before and ill have good days again and that usually helps.

I am curious though, is feeling sad because I may never hear from her again something that will prevent me from moving forwards? I know dwelling on the fact that I may not hear from her is unhealthy but if its only once in a while is that a bad thing? I still can't stand the thought that after all the time we spent together, all the good and some bad times, I feel like I've just been forgetten and never really mattered. I guess it would be nice to know that I mattered enough for her to still about me and if she does that she at least smiles at the thought of our memories.

You make the same mistakes through inexperience that we all do. You are not looking deep enough, and exploring the unknown world of YOU!! Its easy to put your ex as the face of sadness right now because its fresh. That's human, and normal when you are young (and old for that matter, just because it's the easiest route to go) and the point is to develop a coping strategy that's both challenging to make you focus, and rewarding to make you feel better.

Exercise is action, on the physical level, that promotes well being through gradual strengthening, but the mind has to be exercised also, to promote well being through accomplishment, and hope. Accomplishing even the smallest task leads to accomplishing even more, and in this way we move forward, within ourselves and forward in our lives. Its called getting busy, and building a life that you enjoy that makes you happy. You are happy because you have things to look forward to, and the excitement of anticipation makes it hard to even feel bad.

The next time the ex pops in your head, focus on a small task, or an exercise, and then do it. Its awkward at first but stick to it, and modify it to fit your needs and within a week through repetition, you have a coping strategy. Even better is making a list of things to do, both long, and short term, simple or complicated, that you can work at, and go back to when you need to change the focus of your mind from the past, to the present.

To do any of this, you must explore yourself, and know what makes you feel good, and what does not. You must experiment, and try things, keeping the god, and discarding what's not so good. Now some people do this easily, some have to work at it, but we all learn things we didn't know about ourselves and work to change what we don't like about us, and build on what we do like.

Progress and growth will have you full of confidence and self esteem, and sitting on the pity pot dwelling on what was, is a perfect waste of time that will produce anger, jealousy, doubts and regrets, and plenty of pent up feelings called resentments. Guess which one has the more rewards to it. A simple choice.

Ask yourself would it be better to love yourself, and do good things for yourself, and others, or be forever jealous and angry over not having what you want, when you want it?

Again a choice, and again, at least to me, a very simple one. So make a decision, based on facts and not just feelings, and get busy. Open the mind to see possibilities (options and opportunities) to grow, and focus on chasing them, not what you lost yesterday, and BREATH!!

I agree so much on getting busy and accomplishing new things. This week I'm finishing up my bar class and I know its going to feel so good to do so. But I feel with that and the other few accomplishments I've made over the past 2 months I still feel low for not sharing my accomplishments with her as I used to. It feels great to do new things and with each new accomplishment I think of her less and less but in the back of my mind she still lingers.

its funny you mentioned the list tal, that was exactly what I did once I noticed myself dwelling on her so much. I made a list of small things to do anytime she starts to come into my mind and it has really helped.

though today I feel like everythings been reset again. Today is 2 months since we broke up. I've been NC for 3 or 4 weeks. She message me two weeks ago saying she misses me but doesn't want to talk and give me false hope. Well now today she randomly message me again saying she had some drink that tasted like something me and her made once. This simple but pointless message seems to have brought back every feeling I have for her. I start to feel like I'm doing better and moving on and then something like this happens. A part of me wants to be civil and respond in hopes that might bring us back together, but my friends and I feel every here will tell me to delete it continue NC and block her from my mind. I really want her back but I've also done a lot of thinking about all the things she did wrong by me. Hopefully this is one of those hurdles to get over and recover.

When I read some of the posts here I feel so sad and desperate for the poster. You can feel it physically when you read them, how their words are full of pain and desperation. Sometimes you can tell people aren't ready to move on, they would like to, but they would rather try to get their ex back.

And sometimes, I read posts like yours, that give me hope.

I was a complete mess when I came here, not so long ago. The gym, the list, all this sounds so familiar. I don't feel sad when I read how you are moving on because I can tell you are on the right way. Breaking NC happens, crying at home, staying in bed happens. Wanting to act like adults and talking to them only leads to more pain.

Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends always come back for different reasons. They check on you every once in a while, to "see what you're doing." They don't realize how much it hurts and how hard it is already to move on, even without talking to them. They look great, they sound great, they can be full of promises, or just plain mean. They are selfish and they don't care.

You are on the right way away, be selfish. Make yourself the center of your life. The sadness goes away, it really does. Don't be desperate nothing is lost, you're going to be okay... you will delete the messages eventually, and block her. You have the strength, it just takes time to prove it to yourself. Be confident. Good luck!

Delete it, continue NC, and block her from your mind. This is just one of those hurdles to get over and recover. You said it so well that I just thought I'd repeat it. :)

Keep up the good work. It keeps getting easier and easier. That doesn't mean you won't think of her again, but over time you will think of her less and you will find other things (including other women) more interesting. You'll have dreams sometimes and things will remind you of her. Eventually, it won't bother you as much.

Congratulations on finishing your bar class. I guess I don't have to mention that you'll meet a lot of women through bartending, when the time is right.

Its great to hear from someone that the process does actually work! Thanks for the encouragement!

I must say deep down I agree deleting, ignoring it, and forgetting it would be best. How do I fight the feeling though that if I'm civil and respond it may help things. Not really sure how because it's a pointless message but I have this burning feeling right now that I should simply respond. I still don't want to lose her forever from my life. I hate the fact that I still have so much love for this girl and my emotions are on a wild rollercoaster I just want to get off. Sorry I probably sound stubbourn and stupid. I know I've made some progress and taken the time to see what was negative about our relationship but even through that I still seem to have strong feelings for her. :/

Dude, many of us here were the heartbroken ones and we WILL grow better. Regardless, I am still on NC for 4 months now but I am breaking it in a week or so to call my ex to get my stuff back and there and then the NC hopefully shall be on long term basis.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by awayandalone

i must say deep down i agree deleting, ignoring it, and forgetting it would be best. .... i hate the fact that i still have so much love for this girl and my emotions are on a wild rollercoaster i just want to get off of.....

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We've all been there... In some way.

Ive been NC with my ex for 5 months now. Its still hard but gets better every day. My heart still has hope that we'll get back together, but, my head knows the truth, as I'm sure does yours, or you wouldn't be here posting to avoid contacting her.

The only thing that helped me was that I changed my phone number and deleted my email address. If I hadn't done that then I certainly would have made contact before now.

What she does, think or even feel should not concern you anymore. I know its hard to let go but you must. You need to get off the rollercoaster and, believe me, it's a nice place being on solid ground for a change.

Good Luck :)

SOO CONFUSED ABOUT HER RECENT MESSAGE:

EX:
So I know you have not messaged me back.. but I feel like I need to get this off my chest before I quit buggin you...

I am sorry that I just left you when I think you may have needed me. I think you are doing better with out me though and I am happy for you and that. I wanted to ask you how your shoulder was? Also, what I am really messaging you for... I wanted to say that I am sorry.. I am sorry for not really giving you much reason for breaking up.. now I am looking back wondering why I did this because I know you were a sure thing. I love you with all my heart and care so much about you. I know you were a great guy and really the right guy for me. I know now it's a little too late to even attempt to be with you, i really wish i had talked with you more before i made the decision to end it. My life is good just miss it the way things were some times. Guess I just got a lot going on right now in my head and in life and I felt like you're the only one I want to tell some of this to.. but I won't go into any detail because really I wouldn't be surprised if you just deleted this and did not read it.. sorry just being a little emotional I guess.. last thing.. Have an awesome birthday I will prob text you on your birthday. Okay I am sorry for bugging you, just have not heard from you in a while.
Have a good... life if you decide to not respond. (not expecting you to.)

So I've highligthed the parts that stand out to me. I got from this that she missed me and sounds like she wants to fix things but she isn't sure. Well a few hours later I was sleeping and my phone went off, not looking at the number I just answered it and to my surprise it was her. We talked for 2 hours. She was very sweet and sounded so sincere it kind of broke my heart a bit to hear her voice again. But I did my best to maintain being happy. At first we simply talked about school and life went with the flow of the conversation. Then she started to talk about our relationship and basically restate what she had said in her message.
She cried and apologized over and over but said it can't work because something had happened. First she told me that one of my roommates who I thought was my best friend had made a statement to break up with me for his own benefit. But she insisted and pleaded that was not why she broke up with me and she would never do anything to betray me like that. And then to my surprise this was not the thing that had happened. She said it was something else but was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me more than I already am hurt. Turns out she met some guy the day after we broke up and about 3 weeks later she hooked up with him so it was blow after blow. The friend thing actually bothered me more than her hooking up because well she's been with guys before and she is single so I understand can't be mad at her for having fun. It only slightly hurt more because she had mentioned before she wanted to focus on herself and school and wouldn't do anything until after she was over me, well clearly by her message and phone call she doesn't seem to be over me and seems more confused than anything. Basically I got the feeling shed consider reconciling but I feel she is just being stubborn.
Had I been awake I would have never answered her call and would continue to ignore her messages as I have been doing. Now I feel I've inadvertently broken NC and having my suspisions about her being with another guy confirmed I'm afraid to fall asleep because of the nightmares I know that are going to follow. This has just made me want her all over again, and given me some small hope again that if she can see past her stubbornness about being with a guy and stating she regrets it we could work things out. Would also be so much easier if I was home.
This all sucks and I feel like at this point I'm losing all my progress and might as well start this thread over from day one. I'm so confused right now about what she is trying to get out of me by doing this. Friends at work tell me she's toying with me to try and get me to drop my internship and run back to her but since our break up I am so much more confident about finishing it out I know I could never do that.

Any thoughts or comments would be really appreciated. Thank you everyone. *sigh*

I think she's a selfish *****.

Telling you all that only made her feel good. Now she's decided she misses you, you were right for her blah, blah, blah.

If you were right for her you would be together and she would NEVER have left you. If you were right for her she would have been begging to get your *** back.

She's snapping her fingers too see if you'll go running... will you?

Ha I agree that it should not concern me anymore. If you have the time please read my recent post. The roller coaster just got really violent and I hope it passes!

Hell no I won't go running and give up all I've accomplished so far. But at the same time her missing me in this way is kind of what I've wanted. If she asked me back id think for a day but ultimately id probably say yes and give it a shot. I know dumb!

As you already said "sounds like she wants to fix things but she isnt sure"

If she's not sure now, she wasn't sure then, when will she be sure?

I usually don't have to ponder for long if I want to be with someone because I already know, as do most people.

You know don't you, that you want to be with HER?

But she's not sure and your waiting until she is... Not good man. She will never be sure.

She said you're the "sure thing" i.e. she knows she can snap her fingers and you'll go running. Funnily enough you've just admitted that that's probably what will happen.

Your on the rollercoaster by choice now. What are you going to do?

Man I feel you what you are going through and you came at the right place to , to throw up with is in your chest, first be proud of yourself for a lot of things , you are perfect as playing good part of being amzing boy friend , who really listen and share ideas and thoughs and information with his girl, and you did listen to her and her support too , but you have to know something , women they are always will not be completed , man me also I'm going through break up relationship that really hurted me a lot, so man all I'm trying to say is be proud of yoruself , until now I don't know why she want to break up with you that easliy , and trust me she didn't deleate the email you wrote to her , I mean it's obevious stupid fake lie, I hate partying girls , and I agree with your friends what they told you that she talks with another guy , she looks to me the type girls who fall in love with guys for period time and then break up with them , so I guess you was the victim for her fake love, man seriously the only quesiton I'm asking myself is , every time I get in to inside this website all I see is guys hurted just like us , what woman wants from us I don't know , if we just jump in front of train for them just to show them how much we love them is not enough for them , if we take off our heart for them , and give them in to their hands , it's not enough , what the **** they want? seriously I'm confused and lost man, I would say if it's your annvirsty is getting closer for you guys ,this the moment of truth, go to her but man it's going to hurts like pain in the *** , I would say write down in paper a perfect words , and ask her why she break up with you , is it I'm not good enough for you , what do you want me to do for you , so I can proof for you, what did I went wrong, don't tell her that you heard rumores that she talks with another guy and stuff like that , let her tell you what she got to say , ask her every thing inside your mind , man I think girls when they know they are wrong and you ask them serious quesitons like that , they always cry, don't get soft about that part, keep asking her , you have to stay tough are you listning stay tuff like rock be iron man , if she said to you wrong stuff , man tell her I was there for you , if her conversation went wrong , and tell you negative things , like I left you for another guy at that time , tell her what goes around come back around , and you the type girls who takes good guys heart and then leave them, you will never find a guy like me giving up his life for you, prepare a speech for her , I really want you to find out what reason she left man , I know the stuff she going to say it's going to be pian for you , but man be iron please , don't fall for her words, this your time to take revange and have to know what is going on , **** what your friends told you , I want you to find out from her mouth all the truth why in the world she left , oki, and I'm waiting the updates from you man.

Oh my god my face just hit into a big fat wall of text!! :eek:

Gara please use paragraphs, I'm old, I need all the help I can get with reading.

I work nights right now and this whole thing has compltelely emotionally drained me and I feel so tired.

Gara:
The things in the message about her being with another guy did come from her. My friend wanted her to break up with me so he oculd have a chance at her, which I was always suspicious of but never actually thought he would try anything.

Then separately was a different guy she had met through one of her girlfriends after we broke up and ended up with him. She claimed she regrets it though but that is probably to make me feel better.

Kaka:
I know its sad that if given the chance I would want to take her bad. But I am a believer that people are worthy of a second chance, especially in times of weakness, I'm not saying she is weak, but I believe the combination of dealing with missing me while I'm away, all of her school work, and other family pressures her mom put on her combined to make her believe this was the right choice and now she isn't second guessing it because I was the one bit of stability she had in her life and then I was gone.
I don't expect her to ask me back today, tomorrow, or even in the next month, and if it ever does happen id hope I have continued to heal and think it would take a lot of thought and consideration for me to truly consider taking her back. To see her say everything about making the wrong choice to me is the most confusing because she has always been one to stand by her decisions and rarely to never go back on something. So that's why for her to even say any of that gives me some hope they she may truly believe she made a poor choice. But I know I can't chase her as that will only push her away more.

Well, that was expected.
I honestly think you'd still answer her call if you were fully awake. She already wrote to you and you didn't answer, so she calls you. Boundaries, right?

I totally agree with kaka here, she IS a selfish *****. (I'd write it in caps too if I could.)

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I know its sad that if given the chance I would want to take her bad. But I am a believer that people are worthy of a second chance,

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Of course, you should give people second chances... when they deserve it. What has she done to deserve a second chance? Contacting you? Sounds like a "huge" proof of courage and love...

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i was the one bit of stability she had in her life and then I was gone.

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So she wants the stability back, even if it means she could change her mind again tomorrow and turn your life upside down. She just wants something, and she wants it quick.

Should I ask what she wanted when she hooked up with that guy? Oh wait, you answered it, you can't be mad at her for "wanting to have some fun"... while you were trying to do what grown-ups do, deal with problems.

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to see her say everything about making the wrong choice to me is the most confusing because she has always been one to stand by her decisions and rarely to never go back on something. So that's why for her to even say any of that gives me some hope they she may truly believe she made a poor choice. But I know i can't chase her as that will only push her away more.

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Why is it confusing? Didn't you expect this? She broke your heart and thought you would run back to her whenever she snaps her fingers (looks like she still does) and while waiting, she hooked up with someone. You were on the right track healing and focusing on your life, now you are confused, which is what she wanted in the first place.

She is right about something, you should have deleted her message without reading. You are right about not answering your phone. Don't fool yourself and stick to NC. I'm sorry to tell you, but you will only get hurt more if you keep doing this.

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Originally Posted by awayandalone

Kaka:
i know its sad that if given the chance i would want to take her bad. but i am a believer that people are worthy of a second chance, especially in times of weakness, im not saying she is weak, but i believe the combination of dealing with missing me while im away, all of her school work, and other family pressures her mom put on her combined to make her believe this was the right choice and now she isnt second guessing it bc i was the one bit of stability she had in her life and then i was gone.
i dont expect her to ask me back today, tomorrow, or even in the next month, and if it ever does happen id hope i have continued to heal and think it would take a lot of thought and consideration for me to truly consider taking her back. to see her say everything about making the wrong choice to me is the most confusing bc she has always been one to stand by her decisions and rarely to never go back on something. so thats why for her to even say any of that gives me some hope they she may truly believe she made a poor choice. but i know i can't chase her as that will only push her away more.

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I was you one year ago. My ex who had cut me off then magically decided that I was what they wanted. I went back and a year later guess what? Im on my own again.

I hope you don't get hurt again and that's all anyone here wants to protect you from.

I hope the mistakes of the past are dealt with. Good Luck ;)

Thank you for words of tough love pandead. Now looking at the message I completely over analyzed it and got my hopes up way to quickly over it. The phone call I should have simply made the conversation brief and hung up once knowing it was her. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement kaka.
So I finish my bartending class Friday, went out today and picked up plenty of applications at restaurants, and I hope that having a second job around people my own age will allow me to get out more like I've wanted too. Thank you everyone.

I really wish I had never talked to her. Knowing everything I know now, the anxiety is worse than ever. I slept terribly last night, constantly had dreams of her with this guy mixed with dreams of me and her being happy all over again and then leaving me.

My 21st birthday comes up in a week and like a normal person I should be excited and happy, but I'm not happy at all for so many reasons. I feel like I'm going to be alone on the biggest birthday of my life. All of my friends are back home, I don't know if the few friends I have made down here are available to go out, and I won't even get to see my family, let alone the girl I loved who made my last two birthdays so amazing. She said she would text me and wish me a happy birthday but I don't know if that's going to happen because she also told me she's going to some huge party that night, it almost feels like telling me that is some huge slap in the face that shell be having a great night and ill be miserable.

I feel like my life is a complete wreck right now. I see myself being more than a year behind in school when I go back because this internship hasn't allowed me to take any but two online courses.

I just don't know where to turn anymore, I think I might finally look into seeing a counselor and see if that helps. This stress and pain is killing me, most days I feel somewhat OK, but the days it gets to me I feel like I can't do anything and I know that's not normal.

If I were you, instead of being depressed and have doubts, I would have my own plan for my own birthday and if nothing else, celebrate my own freedom. Why make misery the choice when you have family and friends.

It can be hard to go through that first birthday, the first holiday, etc. but if you plan ahead it will be better. Why not ask some of your new friends if they are available instead of not knowing? If they aren't available, you can still make plans for yourself. For example, you could go see a movie - maybe The Social Network (about the founders of Facebook). If you aren't comfortable with that, plan to rent a movie and pick up some good take-out. Add a trip to the gym so you can workout some of these bad feelings. Give yourself something to look forward to.

Did you ever start taking the melatonin again? Those dreams you are having are exactly the type of thing it helps. The contact with her is not helping at all, but it sounds like you realize that.

Will you be going home for the holidays, or anytime soon? It would help you a lot to see your friends and family if you can go home.

Internships are valuable for a number of reasons, including landing a better job when you graduate and opening your eyes to opportunities. Instead of feeling like you wasted a year, think about what you learned. Did it give you a better idea of what you want to do for a career, or even a better idea of what you don't want to do?

You make a good point. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to celebrate a birthday alone and find things to keep myself busy and make me happy.

Yea I've been using the melatonin again and some nights I notice it helping and sleep fine. Other nights it like I didn't take it at all and the dreams are overwhelming and I wake up with the worst anxiety. I know the contact with her is the reason I'm having all these dreams again, feels like we just broke up and I've lost her all over again. NC was helping me and no matter what she says I know I need to stick by it through everything!

Unfortunately I won't be home for the holidays or anytime soon as my job has a vacation hold in place since we are short staffed through the holiday season. Not necessarily a bad thing because ill be able to make some more money.

I know the value this internship will bring me in my future, I've learned so much more than I ever would have learned in a classroom both about my career and about life skills. I figure I've come about as close to the real world as I can get without being completely thrown into it, as I will still be able to go back to school. The internship has certainly shown me that I want to pursue a career in aviation. It may not be in the exact job I am working in my internship but being around the pilots has definitely shown me I want to have a future in flying.

The anxiety I'm feeling sucks. Its like I'm all the way back at day one after our break up and I know I have no one to blame for that but myself. Everyone has been so helpful. And I guess I just have to build myself back up to that good place and new life I was starting to see before I talked to her. Hopefully things start looking up again soon.

I have a couple of suggestions about those nights when you still have trouble sleeping. Are you still working out? Daily exercise will do a lot to release anxiety and help you sleep better at night.

Second, you are still going to have tough nights. You need to find what works for you. A couple of things that helped me were to read books, articles or stories that would be give ideas of how to move forward. They could be on any number of subjects, whether relationship or career oriented, but something that made me think about the future and where I wanted to head. The other thing I like to do is make lists - of what I want to accomplish and how I'm going to go about doing it. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, the thing that helps is to make a list of what I will do when I get to my office. As long as I have a plan, the anxiety is lessened. Just an idea, but there is something that will work for you. What won't work is to think about the dream and the past. You have to let it go. Naturally, that will take time to entirely get past thinking about what happened, but you can take an active part is lessening the time it takes.

Sounds like a great intership. A lot of people move around a lot after college trying to find themselves and what they want to do. You are learning a lot of that now. It is definitely time well spent.

Stop blaming yourself and realize it's all part of the learning lesson. You now know that you can't have contact without hurting yourself, so use that knowledge to move forward. You'll be in that better place again. Stay there this time, and keep working for a better life. Good luck.

So this is going to sound stupid and I know it is my own fault for what I'm about to say but bare with me please and understand that after two years of talking with someone everyday I am having a hard time not answering, reading, or listening to anything from her, well at least it was after this last thing she did I think it will get easier. So here's what happened, I mentioned the message with her mixed signals or at least they were mixed to me and how bad that all made me feel. I went NC again and after a week I get a call from her, I did my part and ignored the call, but she left me a voicemail. Now I know right here is a big red flag, I SHOULD have deleted it, same as the message but its hard to not hear what she has to say. It was a short message that sounds sweet in nature saying Hi just wanted to see how your doing and hope your having a good day. (I rolled my eyes at this) Then she proceeds to end the message by saying she wanted to let me know that she is kind of sort of dating the guy she met the day after she broke up with me.(my heart sank, and I know the pain is my own fault for listening)
I'm wondering what kind of heartless person calls you to tell you they are kind of dating the person they met after they broke up with you? Obviously it's a rebound, but how do you "kind of" date someone? Does that mean its just friends with benefits? I feel like she is going out of her way to make me miserable and for some of the afternoon it did, but I went out and got busy and haven't really thought about it since.
I guess this just proves to me that she doesn't care about my feeling and should make my process of moving on that much easier, but at the same time its not, because when I was in NC originally I could speculate she was with someone but block it out because I didn't really know. Well now I know and I have small moments where I panic because all I can do is think about her sleeping with him and all of the things she used to do for me to attract me and turn me on she's now doing for him and it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach. Sorry for the detail there but how do you manage to get past those thoughts. I know finding a new girl would help but I don't want to get into a rebound or hurt someone because I still have so many feelings for my ex.
Please don't yell at me for being weak I realize I am, this is just so hard to swallow when I look back at all the wonderful times we shared and don't really see anything wrong with what we had. Also the fact that she made a point in her last message to say I was the perfect and right guy for her hasn't helped me at all, I guess I'm not as perfect as she made me believe I was for 2 years.

You know what you're doing wrong, yet you don't do anything to change it. Change your phone number if you have no self-control, stop listening to her voicemails or reading her texts, what she has to say is none of your business since she is someone else's girlfriend now. (Yes, for me "kind of sort of dating" means "I'll pretend that I'm not over you so you don't hate me, but I'm dating someone.")

You don't give yourself any chance to move on, you are hanging on to your memories and amplifying them in your head but you need to wake up and quick. You were doing good trying to heal, focus on your life, you were at least trying, now you're going backwards.

Do you wonder what your neighbor is doing with her boyfriend? Do you think what sweet names they give to each other? You don't. From now on, you should wonder more about your neighbor than about her (that sounds creepy, but you get the point.)

For the information, I can't even count the number of guys I dated and I broke up with saying "you are perfect but I can't be with you." Coward's way out to avoid breaking someone's heart, I know. But if you were really perfect for her, would you be here?

Open your eyes. You already wasted too much time on someone who's not into you.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to pandead again

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Originally Posted by awayandalone

so this is going to sound stupid and i know it is my own fault for what im about to say but bare with me please and understand that after two years of talking with someone everyday I am having a hard time not answering, reading, or listening to anything from her, well at least it was after this last thing she did i think it will get easier.

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Well, yes, it does sound stupid.

You seem to want to learn the hard way. But we all make choices in this world and you have made yours.

Just remember that she can't hurt you with this info if you don't listen to it or read it.

She knows what she's doing and your letting her.

But you already know all this.

Nah... not here for a while and your situation right now is not what I expect you to be in at all...

It's only a matter of choice you make. I told you before you can choose to do whatever you want to do regarding her but again you have to always accept whatever consequences that will come from your actions. Lot of people here give you advices based on what we had been through before but it's all up to you to put all the strength you have to do it effectively. You can do it (NC) for a while and then fail and then do it again and then fail again... how many times you will allow yourself to be like this? I mean it's OK to fail and I understand that you just can't resisit the temptation to know or to hear from her. But if you keep repeating this (keep contact with her through whatever channels), it will only prolong the process of your own healing and cause you pain, which is unnecessary at all.

The girl is still young and I can sense that, based on how she treated you and what she said to you, she didn't care much about you. I doubt that she even knows how to treat anyone with respect or care for other people's feelings. She only cares and think about herself more than others. She doesn't even responsible for her own actions or for what she said. It's funny and lame to say something like what she said to you that she didn't know why and how she broke up with you. It's also very funny for people on my age to ever call the ex and tell that we are now dating someone. She still needs to grow up and learn a lot. Anyway, it's her issue not yours.

You cause yourself unnecessary pain by allowing her to say all these absurd things to you. You still have such a strong feeling for her and hold on too much to the good moments in the past. You can do whatever you want until you get enough of pain, suffer, or you may just get bored about it one day. But my only advice remains the same that you have to gather all your strength to live your life happily without her and move on with dignity and pride.

I'm a tye of person who's likely to hold on and try to make the relationship work as well and that's why I had to take lot of craps from my ex, but once it came to the point when someone said they longer want me in their life by dumping or breaking up with me, their actions always make a permanent end to the relationship. I no longer seek other answers anymore. No matter how good the relationship is in the past, I just can't want someone who can dump me even they might say they regret it later.

Please remember this: When someone truly loves and cares and is the right person for you, they don't break up with you or dump you.