If that episode doesn't motivate you to do what it takes, then nothing will. Handle your business, cry later.

I think you need to be careful for now. She seems a little unstable and I wouldn't trust her or her parents. They could easily lie about the events or future events, and it's your word against theirs. That was smart of you to get witnesses. Please see an attorney as soon as possible to get the custody straightened out, and to get his advice on her behavior.

If she is willing, it would be worth your while to get a counselor involved. You could use an objective third party to help set some guidelines and rules for the two of you to follow. She seems so emotional, but she needs to keep the best interest of her son first and foremost. She's obviously not doing that now. If she won't go, think about going yourself.

Good luck.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Just Looking again.

Boy... you all were right.. saw her driving her mom's car the other morning home from her boyfriends I'm sure. Unbelievable how she still has no job, is now using her mom's car to go do her thing and I even wrote her a check for 5k just so I could stop being bugged about a car from her now that I took mine away. I did talk to a lawyer and have been debating on whether to go after full custody.. when the whole her trying to walk home incident happened the next day she told me she would have made it to her best friends house which is still 6-7 miles away down busy roads... absoutely crazy. Her parents told me they can't co-sign for a car for her so I've got to help her out.. wrote her a check and gave it to her... yet she still continues to be a jerk to me... I absolutely have no idea how she turned on me... I also had no idea that there were people in this world that are this mean and uncarring about others feelings and just try to hurt them. The day after the cops incident it was my night to have my son... she didn't allow it.. and kept him from me 2 nights that I was supposed to have him. We have been on an every other day schedule for almost 2 months and I told her that... she I heard her ask her mom.. mom we haven't been doing every other day have we... and she said no. WOW... how is this even possible to say? I think we did 2 nights on 2 nights off for 1 week out of the now 13 weeks today.

Get an attorney and fight for your son. This is a young manipulative woman and it looks like her parents will back her up.
You fight for your son. Get court order visitation. If she breaks it, go for full custody.

As I said earlier, never underestimate the will power of a woman. And her parents although understanding have now taken her corner as expected.

Time to put on them fightin' gloves. You're going to be in for a dancing good time. Time to drop that extra baggage and lean up for the time ahead. Its going to be rough.

All power to you.

Communication with her should be strictly business from this point. From what you said I feel like you took a step back giving her that 5k. Why do you owe a woman who has made your life miserable and put your child's safety in jeopardy anything? I say woman but she sounds more like a girl. You are 30 put your pants on and make your life what you want it to be, not what this girl is making it. At some point you are going to have to put the good memories behind you and realize what it is you really have with her. You can still be the nice guy and "speak softly", just remember to carry your "big stick".(I don't agree with that in terms of our foreign policy but it works for this situation)(T. Roosevelt). Hope this helps in some way. If not at least there is a history lesson at the end.

yep... so confused... we've been doing every other night and she also gets him all day.. I asked today for more time with him and she said 2 nights a week and 1 weekend day and night is plenty and fair? ***... how is that possibly fair when she has him from 8-5 every day and no job still? I tried talking to her about it today... it was the first time we have talked since the cops incident... and to be honest I was weak and told her that I do miss her and this is all just terrible how it turned out... Of course once I gave in.. I got treated 2x as bad and got screamed at. I guess I just really need to drop it and work on telling myself every minute that its over for good. One thing is for sure... when I'm over her, it will be for good because once I reach that point I stay strong and never look back. I just need to find a girl that is ready to settle down and have a family... I think that's all I'm really hurting about because I've enjoyed it for almost 2 yrs. And definitely don't want to be single too much longer. It's fun for a few weeks, but in the end, I will always want someone to come home to and make my house feel warm and not so empty as it does now.. this sucks.

You need to give yourself time to grieve this relationship first before you jump into another. Actually you need closure. You won't be able to commit yourself to another relationship till you've done so and in all fairness it wouldn't be fair to a new partner. You'll harbour resentment and instability and there would no doubt be trust issues as would be expected in any new relationship after a saddening one as yours.

You'll find that 'one' that will make your house feel like a home and you'll defy the odds and have a lengthy and fulfilling relationship, but like all good things, it'll take time. What you're looking for, most are also waiting for, its just a patience game.

Have you gotten a attorney yet?

You need time to heal from this, but you also need an attorney and get visitation straight so that it is not on her terms and her whim but court ordered.

Yes I have, but I have not moved on it yet. I've gotten al the paperwork filled out.. I am trying to get it all worked out between us before it gets costly.. Lately has been better but still wish I could see him more. Right now she has him from 8-5 every day and every othe rnight.. so I'm not being given the 50% time the court would for sure give me. If we can't agree on something more then I've really got no choice.

In reading your post, cost didn't seem to be a factor. You have already handed over 5K to her for a car. What did your attorney say to that? Since you never know when she is going to be in one of her moods and not let you see your son, why not have your attorney go full steam ahead.

I don't think you ought to give her by chance to worm her way back in or back you into a corner. Don't let her use your son as a pawn.
I would move now for court ordered visitation.

Cost would be a factor for her.. I'm trying to make this easy on her.. and I definitely don't want to blow hard earned money when it could be used for a college fund or something.. I keep hoping she will see the light and that I deserve to see him more. I've never been anything but a good father.

You have made it too easy for her, as have her parents. She is spoiled.
The more you give her the more she will expect. It is time for her to do what is right. You need to forget her and think of your son. This girl will drain you dry because she knows you love your son and your kind hearted. This is business now.
Take care of your business!

Im sure you are a good father. I was fully behind you wanting to see your son, felt terrible that she was controlling the situation.
However, after reading your last post, Iam little confused. You state that you don't want to blow hard earned money that could be used for college fund and that you want to make this easy on her.
For most people handing over 5K would be seem like you are already taking away from college fund. How would going full steam ahead trying to get visitation settled, so you have some type of control seem like blowing hard earned money.
You have posted that she doesn't seem to have control over her moods, and that you are just heartbroken that she is so controlling over when you can see your son. Yet you are now want to make it easy on her and hoping she will see the light. Believe me I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to understand why your going back and forth.

You are not dealing with a mature adult, you are dealing with a spoiled one.
Take care of your business, which is your son. Let her parents take care of her or make her take care of herself.
I would imagine she is counting on you giving in to her.

I keep going back and forth because of my feelings for her.. and hoping she will snap out of it. I see my friends get engaged who didn't have a stable relationship, but we did until the last two months out of nowhere. Just the deposit for the lawyer to start the process of custody is about 10K retainer... and it is $350 an hour after that... I think to myself... do I really want to blow that money and the horrible state of CA grant 50/50 anyway? My cousin got full custody in this state but he had to fight for it... very similar situation... he had a job.. she was living with her parents with no job, no transportation, and he was required to do all the driving to pick him up and drop him off.. finally he put his foot down and the state actually granted it to him... It's not like I want to take my kid way from his mother... but this behavior has me concerned... and her unwillingness to get a job. She said child care is around 2,500-3k a month for a provider to come to your house.. but why would I need that? There are good day cares around here that watch 4 children and are highly recommended by many in the area for $800 a month. Just blows my mind...

She is not going to get a job as long as she has you to take care of her. I hope you don't.
If you can put up with the sporadic way she will allow you to see your son, go ahead. I think she will do this to maybe get you to let her back in your house. I hope you don't do that.
If you can sit down with her and her parents and work out visitation that would be good but I would not trust her to do that. Get court ordered visitation, at least you will know when you will see your son.

When are you going to see she is manipulating you and using you for the money bags you have?

She isn't going to 'snap' out of it. She doesn't 'love' you. She sure as hell doesn't 'care' for you. Or Im missing something somewhere?

Honestly I don't think that brick wall you're butting your head against is going to go away anytime soon. Best you wake up and smell the roses because she's laughing at you and having a right ole' time at your expense.

You've been given solid advice from Homegirl & Answerme with getting it legalised. And the justice system in CA is as fair as any other I know of. I lived there for a while and knew of two families going through similar to what you are and one of the father's won.

So I guess it really does come down to you and what you take to the table and how badly you want full custody. So far I'd guess30/70 her favour. You've no fire in your belly to win it. You want to pacify her and try and save her the problems of being able to tough it out financially.

Who the hell cares? Hes your son. Fight for him. If it was me.. I wouldn't give a flying donkey's what my ex had to do to survive or try to defend.. I would fight and give the shirt off my back for my child. Damn anyone who'd want to use her against me. Family, friends or foes.

Stop thinking of her as when she was with you. That's not her anymore.

You are not together. You are not responsible for her anymore. You are responsible for you and your child.

If you allow your child to stay in this environment for the sake of money then I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself first.

OR

You are using the financial side of things as an excuse to not move forward. Hoping that things will work out and knowing if you take this first step you will be rejected for good?

You got it kaka67 on the second part... I just keep hoping she turns around and realizes what she's leaving behind her.. I know, I'm an idiot. Right now I have so much anger and sadness all the time just thinking about her with another guy. I think about it constantly and it really hurts every minute. That is the only thing that would make me have a tough time for accepting her back. Right now if she wants to watch him at her parets.. its a good environment there and she said if I asked for another day with him she would give it to me rather than threatening with court. I'm just so confused... Two different friends of mine got engaged in the last day (was odd to see one couple in Idaho, and one here) and I think to myself constantly.. just 2 months ago I thought I'd be engaged to this girl right now. It's the biggest mind f_ck thinking about it.. Just really bummed and hurt and mad all at once.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by josh284

I just keep hoping

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Yeah I think we all know about hope. Been there with the hoping myself.

But you got to take her on her actions now. Not what sweet things she said to you once upon a time... That's over. That's done.

I don't think anyone expects you to be a prize pric* to her as it is not needed but people just want you to put yourself and your child first for once. That means looking after yourself physically, mentally and financially.

You have to come to terms with the fact its over. Once you do that then the sensible, unemotional you will make the decisions needed :)

You two are not on the same page, probably was not at the beginning either. You were an older guy hung up on her and as an 18 year old she was I flattered, infatuated, then pregnant and now she is a spoiled 22 year old wanting to have fun.
That party is over. There is a child though.
Get the visitation situation with him settled and get over her.

You want to really be a good dad? Stop putting her, and her needs before your son, and YOU.

We all have feelings dude, and this is your first experience with this parenthood thing. Heck you probably still finding out what you, and your own human limits are.

Stop worrying about her and her cars or dates or whatever, you worry about getting your own head together because that's what your son needs most from you now, and whether its 50% custody, Or whatever the courts decide, you are still 100% dad, and parent. Get this in writing through the courts, so you will have rules and guideline clearly defined that you both have to live within.

She needs anything beyond that (car, job whatever), let her get them on her own.

You cannot control another, ( good or bad, now matter how well intentioned) so stop trying. Once you get that through your head, you will find decisions based on facts, and not just feelings, a lot simpler to make.

Well.. I know I haven't posted on here in a long time but wanted to get everyone's opinion. Things continued down the path they had and her parents kicked her out of the house and made her go live in their rental house and get a job which she did... well, then a month later I found out she moved my son into another county with her boyfriend.. which I found out throuhgh a friend. I then filed an emergency hearing asking for full custody as well as drug testing and the where abouts that my son is living. Well... after her mom telling me I needed to get temp full custody, guess who shows up? Her mom and a lawyer in which they got everything I asked for denied by the judge and we were sent to mediation. It really pissed me off because I had heard she was just doing drugs a few days prior and an insider told me she begged her parents for a lawyer which she got. They also sat across from me in court and asked me to pay 3k in lawyer fees for the 5 minute hearing which was insane and also cover all her attorney fees... when I didn't even have one. So.. we went to mediation and met with the mediator whom was pretty grumpy to say the least. I brought all my documentation and tried to go through it in which he called me a manipulator when I was just trying to show that there is a pattern of bad behavior on her part. He then yelled at her for only wanting our son on the week days when she puts him in daycare and doesn't work (she only held her job for about 2 weeks I would guess)_ and our son has been in daycare for 6 months now. She then argued with him about the drug testing that I was requesting and she wouldn't agree to it until the mediatior said the judge will likely ask for it. Finally she did... then came discussing jobs in which she said she's not working nor plans to... and the mediator asked if you just expect to not work and him pay for everything.. that's not fair. She actually asked.. I just have to show I'm looking for a job right? I couldn't believe it... he then asked us some questions and recommended a 50/50 and denied again my right to know where my son lives. I then decided it was time to find out and paid for some investigative work to be done... found out she lives on Joshua Court (which is my name and very fitting for the situation) and was probably to embarresed to tell the courts. The other thing I found out is her boyfriend had his house raided just as a friend had told me she thought had happened... which was true and he was charged with controlled substance. He got a lawyer, then entered a guilty plea in march and is getting sentenced on July 22nd which my lawyer knows about. I've written a letter recently to the courts and am going to be letting the mediator know that there is still a pattern going on and this **** is a bit ridiculous that they would allow me not to know and have him living where he is without even looking into it. I've debated taking my journal and submitting it to the court as well as sending it out to everyone in her family as well as her bf's just because I want everyone to know what a piece of **** she is. Its actually pretty amazing what an investigator can find out these days... My lawyer is telling me we can't go back into court until she keeps messing up which she has by not letting me have him on my court ordered time with him on my birthday, and showing up an hour late with him and not allowing me to talk to him on the phone during court ordered time... now they are after more child support and due to me making more the last year than I am now, between my child support payment and my house payment, I'm not going to have any money for untilities, expenses or anything and apparently they don't take in to account that she has no expenses. I feel like this is just going the absolutely wrong way...

You are just getting started in the legal system, and you should hang in there, no matter how its seems to go. You must overcome many obstacles before you get to your final goal, custody of your son. Don't be discouraged, no matter what they throw at you to quit. They will throw everything and the kitchen sink. Expected it, deal with it, and persevere.

It's a process, that takes its own time. Your son will be grateful someday you took the time.

Well... we got the police report of the raid on the boyfriends house (now husband) apparently as of this last weekend. Also.. she failed a drug test... I sure hope this court system starts working in my favor. This last year has been HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

I hope things work out for you.
Thanks for keeping us posted.

You just keep hanging in there.

You, I just keep wondering if its ever going to pay off going through all this court stuff. I asked people on this legal forum if they ever thought I'd have a chance at full custody based on all these things and I got rude responses saying no and one person even said I don't think either of you are responsible enough to have a child... I was appolled.

Try our law forum, and stick with facts, not feelings.