Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Someone told me when I was feeling that way was:

Your self-esteem is yours not hers. So true.

Im glad you understand that this was toxic and made you feel bad.

With time & work you will feel better, get yourself back.
To be one that is stronger & more aware.

Try not to dwell on the past. Just use the things you are learning to your advantage.

BTW, shes no "best friend" Never was.
Friends love unconditionally.

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You are absolutely right... even as she put the screws in me after being sent home via train, I still cared for her, supported her, offered her kind words. She sent some e-mail "I will always love you, but can't live with it" etc etc. I wish we could have had a normal relationship because we both tried to do it right, but couldn't... it was clear where this was going on.

I know I am better off, but voices in my head keep telling me I lost something extraodinary...

It sounds to me like you developed a dependency with each other, I came from a similar type of relationship... Only I found while in the relationship she was more clingy and dependent towards me and then when we broke up I was more so... I guess its dealing with loss of a constant in your life that you deeply cared for. Like your relationship, mine was unhealthy/addictive as well, constant fighting/disagreeing/arguing (it was like a daily part of our lives with each other)... There was feelings there, the "I love you so much" and so on... which is great and fine, but unfortunately emotions/feelings don't create a functional relationship... Like you, when she broke up with me... she was became really cold and even after all the crap I endured I spoke nicely to her and mentioned about being friends and she just acted like I was a stranger...

The bare fact is... you don't need this person in your life, and you never did, save for the fact of learning a valuable lesson. As it was said in other posts, you need to focus on yourself, stay busy and rebuild your self-esteem, self-image and self-worth... You both knew it was going nowhere and one person drew the line and ended it... I guess try to learn the lesson I'm learning, at least one of the two of you had the courage to end it, and be happy that it wasn't you as I found out that its actually a lot easier to get over an emotionally charged relationship if you're the one who GETS dumped as opposed to being the person who has to do it (because then you get feelings of regret and guilt, unless you're a cold hearted person)


I believe that you guys did truly love each other... but the fact is that you will find someone you have a greater love for and they have the same for you... not only love, but respect... You will find someone down the road (could be in a few months or a few years) that will make you smile and be happy... Unfortunately you have to sift through a lot of crap to get to that, but along the way you will learn more and more

"The bare fact is... you don't need this person in your life, and you never did, save for the fact of learning a valuable lesson."

So true.

"but the fact is that you will find someone you have a greater love for and they have the same for you... not only love, but respect... "

And more truth.

And if you want to get an understanding of what I came out of check out my thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ke-458856.html

Getting into and then out of a situation, similar to yours, just brought misery to my life. At first it is great, unfotunately we aren't all psychic... The lesson I learned and hopefully the lesson you've learned is to spot that "turning point" where things begin to change... and instead of letting it draw out, end things with the person before it balls up into one big mess... I know its not always easy to see the warning signs, but if you get a gut instict, in my opinion, it's usually best to follow it...

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Originally Posted by MyBrainIsMyDrug

It sounds to me like you developed a dependency with each other, I came from a similar type of relationship... Only I found while in the relationship she was more clingy and dependent towards me and then when we broke up I was moreso... I guess its dealing with loss of a constant in your life that you deeply cared for. Like your relationship, mine was unhealthy/addictive as well, constant fighting/disagreeing/arguing (it was like a daily part of our lives with each other)... There was feelings there, the "I love you so much" and so on... which is great and fine, but unfortunately emotions/feelings dont create a functional relationship... Like you, when she broke up with me... she was became really cold and even after all the crap I endured I spoke nicely to her and mentioned about being friends and she just acted like I was a stranger...

The bare fact is... you don't need this person in your life, and you never did, save for the fact of learning a valuable lesson. As it was said in other posts, you need to focus on yourself, stay busy and rebuild your self-esteem, self-image and self-worth... You both knew it was going nowhere and one person drew the line and ended it... I guess try to learn the lesson I'm learning, at least one of the two of you had the courage to end it, and be happy that it wasn't you as I found out that its actually a lot easier to get over an emotionally charged relationship if your the one who GETS dumped as opposed to being the person who has to do it (because then you get feelings of regret and guilt, unless your a cold hearted person)


I believe that you guys did truly love each other... but the fact is that you will find someone you have a greater love for and they have the same for you... not only love, but respect... You will find someone down the road (could be in a few months or a few years) that will make you smile and be happy... Unfortunately you have to sift through alot of crap to get to that, but along the way you will learn more and more

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Very insightful post... she fell in love with me, saw herself marrying me, moving to another country for me, missing me... and I got sucked in and as soon as I made a mistake or got nervous, she freaked out ten times as bad. I really love her so much and got so much joy from her, I don't know why I was always feeling ****ty from things she did, or slighted from other things. I stopped trusting her, and saw her as a source of pain or pleasure, I stopped treating her as another person. I think I felt like I didn't have respect from her anymore, and I resented her, and we blamed each other...

Very interesting that it will be harder for her- because I instigated the dump, but then she finished it off and showed impressive resolute not to even have a conversation with me. I am sure she is suffering much more than she lets on, or is a cold *****- could be either...

Thanks for the insight. I am like a stranger to her now, we've broken up like 5-6 times I guess total, but this time she is sticking to it. The other times after a short break up it was right back to "forever."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MyBrainIsMyDrug

and if you want to get an understanding of what I came out of check out my thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ke-458856.html

Getting into and then out of a situation, similar to yours, just brought misery to my life. At first it is great, unfotunately we aren't all psychic... The lesson I learned and hopefully the lesson you've learned is to spot that "turning point" where things begin to change... and instead of letting it draw out, end things with the person before it balls up into one big mess... I know its not always easy to see the warning signs, but if you get a gut instict, in my opinion, it's usually best to follow it...

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Thanks I will definitely read that post... I had a gut instinct because what happened to me is what happened to all her ex-bfs... something wasn't right, I was always nervous, despite loving her so much and sharing so much joy with her and great moments.

Thing is we knew the way we were acting was not good, but we couldn't stop it! We talked about talking less, space, and the other person would be offended that the other person suggested such a thing. I lost control of my own life, and she lost hers as well, yet we kept going back for more.

I still want more. Scary.


Reading your thread, brain is a drug, I started to become the extreme insecure one- not being able to sleep, having panic attacks, feeling slighted, just living out of fear instead of living life. After multiple break ups, and begging, and bad speaking between each other I completely lost myself identity and couldn't get it back in the relationship. It just sucks I lost the friend as well.


I also feel as if I got sucked up in a web to be portrayed as the bad guy... I am always doing wrong, being mean, "verbally abusive" in her bogus words, guilt tripped into feeling as if I caused all her pain.

She told me a part of her is broken from our relationship and she can't communicate with me anymore and that I am the cause of all her anxiety and she is bordering on a nervous breakdown. Then she gives me some "goodbye communication" because she pities me... She is a smart girl and knows how to manipulate me into feeling bad.

"we've broken up like 5-6 times I guess total"

"I still want more. Scary."

'She is a smart girl and knows how to manipulate me into feeling bad."

Anything else?

Screw it man. It wasnt right.
She can manipulate you anymore, see?

Its all in your head now.

The past is over.

"I started to become the extreme insecure one- not being able to sleep, having panic attacks, feeling slighted, just living out of fear instead of living life."

Guess your gut was telling you something. Just didn't act on it. Now have been granted that gift.

Enjoy it.

Girls like these prey upon insecurity.

Give you enough to hang on, open the door up again when they need you.

Screw with your head.

But it takes two.

I took that crap for 5 years. Why?
Lots of reasons. Insecurity, denial, false needs, manipulation.

I went back & read my journals after I got dumped.
I knew it from the start. Just denied it.

Got hurt 100 fold by doing that.
What the hell was I thinking or doing?

The good thing is now I know.

Wow that is a great reply. Sums it up perfectly. I had huge hopes and fell for everything... All the good and all the bad, and resented it deep down. Ended up losing myself. Was desperately in love with the idea of her, but even still I care and she, well who knows and who cares right? You all here have helped a lot.

"Ended up losing myself'

Yup. Me too. Our fault for letting it happen honestly.
But please dont trip on that. Be honest with yourself.

"but even still I care"

No more reason to care. Heal first.

If you can get to the point when you can wish her well in your head & heart later, then I say you are that closer to being enlightened.

Its been a year & a half for me & gotta tell you, Im not wishing her well. Actually, try to let those those of her pass through me as quickly as they arrive.

Not sure if your girl fits here, but mine was full blown.
You may see some similarities, check it out:



Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(cautionary statement)  

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 

(4) requires excessive admiration 

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

I wouldn't say that describes mine. Mine I would say is incredibly insecure, and has to exagerated/delusion/be a victim/ build her ego and have people like her because of the insecurity.

Also huge stress case, dissatisfaction with her life compared to others, needy, has to look good in others eyes. And overly emotional.

And can never be wrong or reveal herself to even her close friends (only I know how she changes into different people).

I still love her though, I stopped being a really loving person so for that I take full responsibility and miss her. Am going to a therapist on thur.

"I still love her though"

Not sure why. Maybe your therapist can get to the bottom of that.

She treated you like crap.

We all miss at first, cause it's a conditioning. A habit.
Hope you don't miss the BS.

Never sounded like the good outweighed the bad.

I treated her like crap too, became controlling and insensitive when I stopped trusting her. Sometimes I view it as all good or all bad, but I hate the hatred going on now and now that I'm coming back to life so much wiser and with a better perspective I want to reach out to her again because we both did have great moments and I did rely on her. It's a horrible feeling when someone who knows all of you (and me all of her) pushes you completely out. I regret all of my mistakes because even though there was bad, she has a lot of special characteristics that make her the complete person that she is, and you hve to accept all of them.

Your posts have offered a lot of clarity, I want to pass it on to her.

Don't be silly!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't be silly!

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Wouldn't accomplish anything ?

Like what, you think she will listen to you telling her what to do?

Hmmm good point. I just hate the hatred that came from her and I at the end. But it won't be possible to reason with her will it? Everyday I get more clarity- see our mistakes more and miss her in my life more. Only the bad is fading for me. Which isn't good for me.

Right after the big incident I knew I wasn't happy and she wasn't happy. I panicked at losing her but was worried for her health, and kept my kind support. But as the panic has faded and I have been regaining my life, I'm remembering how and why she became such an important part of my life.

That's all good but play the whole tape and NOT just look at the good parts. If it was all good, you wouldn't be here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats all good but play the whole tape and NOT just look at the good parts. If it was all good, you wouldn't be here.

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You're right I got mind****ed, but I miss her and all the good parts...

We had a real special relationship, we just made every mistake you shouldn't make in a relationship. IE we became obsessive and fought about nothing, and blamed each other for our loss of lives. I don't know, I think I'm just confused.

I want to e-mail her though, but yeah it wouldn't accomplish anything I guess.

You guys are right, I'm addicted to the idea of her. A smart, hot, obsessed with me, reliable GF. Not the reality of who she actually was or what actually happened between us.

Obviously the good moments were very intense, but there would be 5% horrible bad moments and I could not trust her. If you guys knew the guy she kissed, omg, it would embarrass me behind my screen name.

Cut out the best parts of this thread and posted them in a document to read when I get weak again. Some words of wisdom here.

Ahhh I still look to the phone for her to contact me. I have become so aware of the mistakes in the relationship, I want to fix them. I don't like losing.

Myself confidence has started to come back this week big time.

From hating myself and my existence on Monday, to today wanting to live life and do my best and be better. Been a battle to get to this point for 5 weeks.

I broke 17 days of no contact yesterday :/ but it felt good. I wrote an email of things I wanted to get off my chest.

She forwards my emails to her trash basket, yet checks her trash and read the e-mail within 30 minutes of me sending it. No reply. Wasn't expecting it. But it was my first contact with her not out of desperation, but with a real perspective on things. So it felt good.

Now I see the point of NC. Now I am wondering what her reaction was. If there was any. So I see NC's beauty right now.

Just need more time more time more time...

Going to the therapist today.

I read this in a book by Deepak Chopra I am reading "People often want to be rescued by love, and thus love gets tied to escapism and fear. Things you are afraid of, such as loneliness, isolation, and not fitting in, must be sorted out and healed on their own, not masked by throwing yourself into a relationship with someone you think will solve your fears for you."

So true... but problem with my all my new insight is that, among other things I learned to meditate, is that I want to lay her on her back and teach her to relieve her stress.

Becoming more and more confuseddddd... Love/hate/confusion/etc. Definitely not ready for another person in my life...

"Now I am wondering what her reaction was. If there was any. So I see NC's beauty right now."

You got that right.

"that I want to lay her on her back and teach her to relieve her stress"

Relieve your own stress. You have all the time in the world.

Yeah no contact is the way to go. I'm firm now. I just can't shake the hope of being back in her life and having her in mine. I was so happy when we were together, just got off
Track.

Stick with it.

Its fine to get things off your chest, but for you. Not her. No reason to end up in her "trash can"

Again.

One thing is for sure, I am glad you are going to therapy.

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Originally Posted by lifeistough75

One thing is for sure, I am glad you are going to therapy.

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My head got messed up over the last 6 months with all the ups and downs and obsessions and break ups and professions of love and drama. Definitely need it.

God she really did love me and stand beside me through so much crap I put her through, but honestly, the way our relationship was set up, losing ourselves in it, and losing my trust after she kissed the celeb, I just couldn't handle it.

Mistake after mistake made... and I want it back, a do-over. All my friends and family now think she is nuts, but I love her and can't stop. I started to get controlling, insecure, jealous... I mean I guess it was inevitable with the weight of marriage and an abortion and no other life besides each other. Just wish we could do it right without mistake after mistake, without losing respect for each other.

You can run the tapes all you want, but isn't going to change things now.

All you can do now is heal & move forward, become better.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

You can run the tapes all you want, but aint gonna change things now.

All you can do now is heal & move forward, become better.

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Thanks. I am reading your thread still. It is very informative. Sounds like a terrible situation you were in. How are you doing now?

I don't know to be happy or glad I was probably 50% at fault... leaves me half hate/half regret, but to be completely blindsided, must have sucked.

I am trying to figure out what type of personality disorder my ex had. I think something like social anxiety disorder, to make everyone like you, because she has some aspects of the narcist, but was a nice person, just desperate to always look good and cover up here emotions.

She was super super emotional and would not admit it, finally she did when the emotions got out of control, but no one in the world - literally no one knows how emotional she is but me.

Im way better than I was a year ago, that's for sure.

But I worked really hard at it. Did lots of soul searching.

Not a day goes by where it doesn't enter my mind, but like I mentioned before, those thoughts are fleeting.

We all have good days & bad, But its up to us to seek more of the good days.

Nothing wrong with understanding the kind of person you got with, but I suggest, more importantly, getting to know who YOU are. And the decisions you, made, make (and will make)

You will find your own methods.

Just be careful not to dwell, needlessly. Use every feeling that you have good or bad, to your advantage.

Time is on your side. And heals all wounds.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Im way better than I was a year ago, thats for sure.

But I worked really hard at it. Did lots of soul searching.

Not a day goes by where it doesnt enter my mind, but like I mentioned before, those thoughts are fleeting.

We all have good days & bad, But its up to us to seek more of the good days.

Nothing wrong with understanding the kind of person you got with, but I suggest, more importantly, getting to know who YOU are. And the decisions you, made, make (and will make)

You will find your own methods.

Just be careful not to dwell, needlessly. Use every feeling that you have good or bad, to your advantage.

Time is on your side. And heals all wounds.

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It's hardest not to dwell in regret for things I would have done differently. I have only been broken for 5 weeks now though, so hopefully it will get better.

I am severely addicted still and want her to come back to me. But I need to be me in order for my life to go on effectively. It is all clear, yet I lose focus, lose myself in my mistakes.

Can't believe I sent an email yesterday. Bad idea, but it felt so good, to get off my chest, to be heard... but now I am left wondering it was a mistake.

Have you found anyone else since then?

Nope. Needed to heal first.

But I have really great friends.

I miss having a girlfriend sometimes, but what I don't miss is being with a user & abuser, That's for sure!!

Mistakes lead us to success.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Nope. Needed to heal first.

But I have really great friends.

I miss having a gf sometimes, but what I dont miss is being with a user & abuser, Thats for sure!!!

Mistakes lead us to success.

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Yeah having a GF is nice... I miss all the planning, moments shared, moments would easily keep on sharing if our heads were on straight.

Its become a battle not to contact again. I am sure she is expecting me too. So I need to stand tall stand tall.

I'm moving to London September 10, I'll try to replace her there... SHe is moving to London Sept 12... finally in the same CITY after a year apart! And this happens.

Someday she is going to realize I am not the only one to blame... and miss me if she doesn't already.

I know for a fact she loves me... Last time something like this happened she came back after a week and a half...

I don't think I could trust her ever again though... but she can only be as upset as she is if she really loved me...

Although in her goodbye email to me "I love everything that is you, but can't live with it. We both have a lot of growing to do. I see you searching for something and the nurturing side was trying to give it to you. I'll always love you."

And coldness after it...

"I'll try to replace her there...."

Wrong attitude.

Heal first.

"'ll always love you." And coldness after it...
There's words, but actions reveal.

Stay NC.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

"I'll try to replace her there...."

Wrong attitude.

Heal first.

"'ll always love you." And coldness after it...
Theres words, but actions reveal.

Stay NC.

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Damn starting NC all over again is harder than keeping it going... Empowered her with my email. Oh well its done.

She doesn't give a F about my feelings right now... wait actually she does. She cares enough to try to put the screws in and hurt them.

She knows saying "I'll always love you, but can't live with you" would really get to me.

I want to call her out on her crap, but that won't get me anywhere.

I'm so confused between wanting her and hating her. It's a horrible place to be.

Refusing to ever have a conversation with me after sending me home on a train. Why do I care so much? Obviously it was not meant to be...

"Obviously it was not meant to be...."

Yup.

See? You broke NC expecting some response. Now you are feeling like crap because of it.

The only screws that are being put in now are self-inflicted.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

"Obviously it was not meant to be...."

Yup.

See? You broke NC expecting some response. Now you are feeling like crap because of it.

The only screws that are being put in now are self-inflicted.

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Damn you're exactly right, that is exactly what happened.

Huge mistake that seemed so right.

After 17 days of NC I started to feel like she was my friend again, I forgot how cold she was to me.

Worst part is, in my mind, I was thinking - what could she reply that would be a good answer? There was no good reply that she could give that I would be happy with. Even lets get back together wouldn't make me happy. I was playing with fire with no possible gain.

Exactly. Don't let those "what ifs" enter your head.

Its done, in the past. Now stay NC forever.

I will tell you one thing, no future girl in her right mind will want an obsessive, clingy, insecure guy that is still pining over his ex. That's for damn sure...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Exactly. Dont let those "what ifs" enter your head.

Its done, in the past. Now stay NC forever.

I will tell you one thing, no future girl in her right mind will want an obsessive, clingy, insecure guy that is still pining over his ex. Thats for damn sure.....

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You're absolutely right. Got to get my head on straight. It's just been torn off for 6 months of an obsessive destructive relationship.

I don't know why my head won't stop thinking this crazy ***** was the best thin that ever happened to me. She kicked me out via train while meeting her parents and I still want her back lol.

Can't wait to get another 17 nc under my belt and my therapy sessions done