Yeah, moving in with me wouldn't be a huge deal; it's what happens with her family post-move that is the issue.Quote:
Originally Posted by aimee_tt
|
Yeah, moving in with me wouldn't be a huge deal; it's what happens with her family post-move that is the issue.Quote:
Originally Posted by aimee_tt
Tell her that she should be moving out for herself and not for you. You're right, it's only been 4 months, so it's too early to make such a huge commitment to you and only you. Think about it this way, (knock on wood), if you guys break up, would she regret moving out? That would suck for her.
Oh, I agree completely. If she moves out, she's not moving in with me because she wants to live together. We've already established that it's too early to do so, but due to circumstances, we'll deal with it. If she moves out, it will be because she can't handle living at home anymore.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
And yes, knock on wood. We've had a few minor ups and downs, but really, we've had a VERY open line of communication, and we're both openly honest with one another, and we've dealt with any upsets by talking and compromise.
Sneezy, it isn't selfish. Selfish would be telling her to move in with you and not to think about the future. What you are doing is what we advise people to do nearly every day-allow their partners to stand up for themselves and do what they need to with support. It is her family. She has to deal with it. She has to deal with the fallout after you both go back to your respective schools.
Just keep letting her know that you are there for her.
First... I'm jaded.
For too many reasons from too many angles. Dated a girl in med school. Controlling parents. More than enough young love crash and burns only after all in.
So...
I need the girl to take a stand against her parents. If she won't now, you know this is a struggle. Doesn't mean undoable... but seriously... she is an adult. Period. Act like it.
I get the parents "shock" at finding stuff that is shocking in the context of parent/child. Know what? Don't care. The parents need to grow up too.
Worst-ish case, it's a short term problem, maybe. Meaning the 'rents might make your summer fun less fun... its halfway through summer. What... six weeks until you are back?
My advice to you is to be up front with her... you get that its rough to have that pressure. You hope she can find her own footing. And that, long term thinking, this is a short term lock down for the summer.
I don't know. While I think this could easily be a longer term issue... and maybe one that you would be willing to deal with if it became serious and stayed strong... it also could be just a stupid thing getting in the way of a nice relationship that is good right now.
Most relationships at your stage, I believe, are for a time and not for all time... find a comfort zone between being the "understanding guy" who is willing to maybe wade through a few more weeks of dumb, dumn nonsense from the parents... and being the guy who is willing to say "this is what i want and hope for us" without it being a guilt trip.
Dated a Big Love with one really uber controlling parent, while she was in college and med school. It was sometimes clumbsy, sometimes annoying... mostly manageable. She wasn't responsible for her mothers personality... but as long as she was getting tuition paid by them, there were some strings attached that sometimes tripped us up.
Annoying. Inconvenient. She was worth the noise for that time.
I will not claim to understand the Asian family. (But must say I do like the closeness they have) However I do know that respect is a big factor and decisions have to be made considering this part of it. Present situations can be difficult but thinking about the future and how it will be with her and her parents counts also. Particularly if you too end up together for good.Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
You're a thoughtful guy, but situations like this are really tricky. Its one thing to be supportive, and quite another to get in the middle of this. Giving her an easy out solves nothing and can only cause even worse feelings between a growing independent adult daughter, and very strict parents.
She is angry at them now, yet still dependent on them in many ways, but the biggest fact to me is the short time you have been together.
Yeah, sounds good on paper, just move in with you, and be done with the strict parents. That's the easy way out, for now.
The real issue is between her, and her parents, and she should be talking to them, as an adult, and not running away from them. At this time make no such moves fueled by emotions, and convenience, but she can take steps to insure her privacy, and let the emotional dust settle, and make a more thought out plan for herself.
In this way, you both get the time you need to talk more and see where your headed without making impulsive decisions that may come back to bite you in the butt.
Remember, decisions based on facts, and not just feelings are the best ways to deal with issues and situations, that may have more to them that meets the eye, and can have consequences later.
She may not be as ready as she thinks for what follows, and looks like a natural choice, and you may not be ready for the stress and pressure of her taking the easy way out of her house.
I play for time, and encourage her to see better options she may have. Something tells me, this is only the tip of the iceberg. She needs to have the means to stand on her own, if she is really ready for some adult responsibility. Her parents will always be an issue, and its important for her to take the correct steps to insure her privacy, but that's between them, and if you get in this, you become a target, and excuse for the parents, and probably are already, but don't know it.
Get the facts, all of them. Then make a good decision for yourself. For all the feelings, you are still young, STRANGERS with much more to find out about each other.
I agree with what kp and tal said. Moving out is simply her way of "running away." She does need to take a stand, but there are a few issues here.
1. We're Asian. Asian children... rarely take stands against their parents. Our philosophy is... they raised us, and it's our duty to obey and respect their wishes. It's as simple as that. As I said, I still have friends and relatives who are FAR MORE locked down than my girlfriend is, simply because it's just the way things are. Us taking a stand and telling parents that something is unfair is very disrespectful.
2. She is still being supported by her parents.
I talked to her this morning over breakfast, and I was trying to find that comfort zone between, "I'm here for you" and "I can't do this long term if this keeps up"... and I think I did it... ok. Cautiously, I mentioned that if this continues, in the long run, this does not bode well for us, as it adds stress that we just simply don't need. However, whichever decision she takes, I'll support her.
This is her current position:
She is currently under financial support from her parents, and thus, she is opposed to standing up against her parents. She is hoping that once she is in school again, away from her parents' financial support, that she will take a stand. She doesn't want to burn that bridge just for a taste of freedom for three weeks.
What bothers me, however, is that when I brought up the idea that she should at least talk to her parents about invading her privacy, her method is to just simply ignore it, withstand it, and hope that it will go away. This doesn't seem like a good solution, but hey... it's not my parents, so I can't say much. I simply advised that if she doesn't at least draw some boundaries, that this, whether she's 25 or 30, can happen. I doubt that she'll draw boundaries, but she's still holding onto hope that when she's out of the house, in three weeks, that this problem will simply disappear.
At least I got my point across that although I do support her, and I'm here for her, that I worry how this will affect our future (if we have one).
I have to stop myself and remember that you have said she has a past history affecting their perceptions along with the normal cultural issues.
How much guilt is she carrying from 'going wild in college'? How much of their strictness and invasiveness is due to fear that she is repeating the past?
I, myself, have to remind myself of this as well. I keep forgetting that their actions are based upon what she has done in the past. Their actions are relatively justifiable when compared to her going wild in college. She partied and didn't get the grades that she could have gotten, so I believe her parents are afraid that she may repeat the past. In that case, their controlling behavior is justified.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
She regrets what she did in college and admits that she did make mistakes, and she is adamant in not repeating her mistakes, as this is the career that she wants and there is nothing that will get in the way of that this time around, including myself. If I got in her way of becoming a doctor, she would drop me quick, as would I. We agreed that if our relationship got in the way of our academics, we would have to split up, simple as that.
My conclusion is that if she had a chat with her parents, explained to them that she's not willing to throw away her future career for anything, then perhaps that they would understand; from her perspective, however, she has tried talking to them multiple times, and each time resulted in them yelling at her and not allowing her to speak. It's a tough situation, and it seems something happens every few days, and I'm trying my best to stay out of it. I guess we'll see what happens in a few days, again.
Good luck.
I hope things even out and that this isn't a preview of things to come.
When it comes to these kinds of situation, it's extremely difficult. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't type of scenario.
1) Either she will suffer, by continuing to endure her parents.
2) Or she will suffer, because she has to live with the guilt of disobeying her parents.
The more you think about it, the more frustrating as it gets.
However, since it's only been 4 months that you've been together, I suggest you focus on the relationship and not her family. Find more ways to make your relationship together as enjoyable and comfortable as possible.
It's one thing to have honest communication and see where you each stand, but you don't want to spend all your time talking about her parents. Those kinds of conversations will take you circles, when you could have spent that time doing something fun together during the little time that you do have together.
The more fun you have together, the stronger the relationship gets. The harder it will be for others to shake your relationship.
You're absolutely right. Because she's trying to find a solution to the situation, we spend most of our time talking about this, and we forget to enjoy each others' company. You're absolutely right. Thanks for the reminder.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.
I think that Cat is correct in pointing out that this drama is part of her maturity process she is going through, and a rare opportunity of you seeing a side of her you need to know, if you stay objective, and pay attention. You have given many reasons you should and not just sweep any facts under the rug at this point. Facts, and not just feelings. Calls for a clear head, and hers may NOT be. Don't be in a hurry, as more will definitely be revealed.Quote:
Quote by Cat,
I hope things even out and that this isn't a preview of things to come.
Knowing there are two sides to this saga will help you keep a good perspective.Quote:
I, myself, have to remind myself of this as well. I keep forgetting that their actions are based upon what she has done in the past. Their actions are relatively justifiable when compared to her going wild in college. She partied and didn't get the grades that she could have gotten, so I believe her parents are afraid that she may repeat the past. In that case, their controlling behavior is justified.
Pay close attention to patterns. They are important to recognize and some may take time to develop. But I Wish makes a strong point about over talking her situation, in my view it sure stops the fun, but I can tell you that shared adversity tends to bond people. Not saying its right or wrong, just saying that some bonding in some areas will throw off your perspective. CAUTION IS ADVISED STRONGLY.Quote:
My conclusion is that if she had a chat with her parents, explained to them that she's not willing to throw away her future career for anything, then perhaps that they would understand; from her perspective, however, she has tried talking to them multiple times, and each time resulted in them yelling at her and not allowing her to speak. It's a tough situation, and it seems something happens every few days, and I'm trying my best to stay out of it. I guess we'll see what happens in a few days, again.
Tal: could you further elaborate? Caution as far as... to what?
This is what is bothering me. My son had a girlfriend that every week something happened to her or with her family and her. Some of it was made up. Some of it was true. Some of it exaggerated. Some was her Mother/family. Most of it turned out to be her attempting to get more attention.Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
She was adept at getting people to feel sympathy for her and used it to try to hide her true personality behind.
I am not saying that your girlfriend is doing the same thing. Only that it is a concern to be on the look out for.
Have fun. Get to know each other. But as Tal said, don't close your eyes or ignore the signs that all isn't as it seems.
Hmm... I see what you mean. Due to my tendencies of not trusting anyone, I have been on the lookout, but then again, guys are idiots/blind when it comes to girls.
I have asked myself many times if all this could be... made up, but it seems too complicated/absurd for it to be made up, nor is she the type of person to want attention.
However, good advice, I will be on the lookout.
Cat said it nicely, and yes we guys think with our feelings sometimes, and are slow to see red flags waving.Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
I'm fine with delegating this to cultural nuances.
So... the first priority needs to be her. And if walking a "straighter" path is what she needs to do to get support for her education...
... well...
Mixed feelings here.
She does not need them for this.
Is is more convenient.
Easier long term on her wallet.
But... the fact is this... she can finance her own education. It might not be under as favorable terms. It might take a different window of time. But she is not shackled.
My single parent mother helped me greatly during my schooling. I owe her more than I can ever repay monitarily. I have no issue with respecting and honoring the sacrifices made by parents who want a better life for their children.
But... you don't get to play both sides.
She is obedient by her own choice. It is tied to culture. It is tied to financial need. It is also her free will choice.
Likewise, you choose to stay, you don't complain. You know the drill. You know the situation. You have as good an understanding, and likely better, as any of us about the pressures and the obligations that are assumed and owned in this situation.
So... again... its short time before you are back.
If the noise about the discovered "inappropriate" messages doesn't fade... well... it's a risk you two both took, knowing it wouldn't be favorably viewed. So... own it and decide... if its too much grief for the noise, fine.
Some relationships are great, but have "bad timing"... maybe this is different. I think you both need to at least muck your way through this short-term tethering.
Its annoying. It could be different. It isn't. So you are where you are.
If you stay, you accept this patiently and without too much pressure on her side.
Kp: yep. You pretty much said it as straight as possible.
She will no longer be relying on her parents for finances once we return to school in August, and it's her method of cutting off the control looming over her.
I haven't put much pressure on her (I don't think), as I choose to stay here. I'm a grown up. I can leave whenever I choose to, so I don't blame her for my situation here at all. I figured it's easier for the both of us since we at least get to see each other every few days, even if it's for a few minutes.
I don't really pressure her at all, I simply remind her that although now and here, I'm dealing with it, we would need to figure something out for the long run, as this will not get any better, I don't think. But other than that, I've been relatively enjoying my vacation, and by that, I mean, I haven't left my bed.
I guess this is relatively due for an update.
Her parents left for the weekend, as well as her brother for some sort of a get-together, so she took the opportunity to come see me. We went to a bookstore and just chatted, spent time together, etc. Generally, because I have been given few facts, I asked her what was really going on... the whole story.
She was a little reluctant, but it came down to one thing: her brother. It seems that her and her brother don't get along that well, actually, not at all... he is two years younger, and has been the golden child in the family (culturally, because he's a boy and also because he's the more... academically intelligent one).
The story is quite long, but to summarize, her brother has been snooping, not the parents, in her life and has been notifying the parents of what's been going on in her life. Now, the parents are strict, but apparently, the brother instigates much of the issues. This, by the way, is her perspective, not mine.
Example 1: She used to be a smoker, but over the summer, she quit. I knew this, and applauded her for quitting, but two weeks after she quit, her brother bought a pack of cigarettes and hid it in her room as well as in the car so her parents would find it. It wasn't that she "forgot" she left these cigarettes there, because they were an entirely different brand than the ones she used to smoke...
Example 2: He snooped and found our conversations, printed them out, highlighted portions of it, and showed it to her parents.
Example 3: Last week, while she was working, her brother came by to her work, searched through the car and her purse. She has no proof that it was her brother, but since both of her parents were working at the time, and no one else has keys to the car except her parents and the brother, he seems to be the most likely suspect.
Example 4: While she was at work, as well as her parents, her brother searches through her room... not sure what he's looking for.
Example 5: She has recently received computer privileges back, but her brother, upon seeing her use the computer, disconnected the internet all together.
Example 6: This past weekend, while the parents went away and he was going to his get-together, he said to her, "Someone's watching you...always," then left... only to come back 20 minutes later, stay in the driveway for five minutes, and then leave again.
So... this is entirely her perspective. I can't really pass judgment on the guy because I've personally never met the guy, so I can't really confirm/deny what the issue is... but that's that.
We had a long chat, because when I saw her, she seemed extremely stressed and generally unhappy. We discussed the matter at hand, and the likelihood of a long term status, and we've determined that even if we did end things, things weren't going to get better for either of us while we're here this summer, so might as well enjoy each others' company and support each other...
3 weeks left!
I've been keeping busy by working out, studying ahead, and also, since I figured I could use the skills, I bought myself multiple suture kits and practice them on banana/orange peels. Now, if I can find myself some sort of a live human practice patient...
Too much drama's going on.
Good for you for hanging on, Sneezy.
Haha, I agree. The good thing is, there's so much drama being created by the family, we see no need for there to be drama between us.
Sounds like a very intense situation, but it looks like you've got a good handle on things. Keep it up!
The more obstacles you overcome together, the stronger you will be as a couple.
There's is a person in my ex's extended fam who seems to spend much of her time finding ways to create drama and chaos for others.
It really p!$$ed me off at first.
Stupid, stupid BS that meant nothing long term and just ruined everything short term.
Eventually... I just had to let it go a little and accept that it must be hell to live your life like that.
And while I am so, so not against putting a p*ssy like her brother against a wall (sorry, he is and I don't have to like it)... at least you have some perspective about what is happening.
I think it makes me retract some of what I said about her. Yes... I hope she still stands firm, but its clearly more than what we knew at first.
So he tries to sabotage her life and happiness to keep the spotlight on him.
Wtfever.
In time... she will outshine him tenfold... maybe she already does.
So... again... tick tock... short time until she is away from that noise.
What a fidiot. Damn sure not a man.
KP, you hold the brother against the wall, I'll do the kicking. He's a little weasel. Karma will kick his arse one day. I just hope Sneezy and the girlfriend are there to see it. :)
Ya, I'm a bit vindictive. Didn't you know?
Nope.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
If I catch him, you get leftovers. Sorry. I like to see the scared look in their eyes right before they black out.
She's 24 and they lock her in the house? They're fruitcakes! Total
Control freaks! Type A personalities. Bonkers!
Well I'm pretty sure I can run faster than you, so I guess I'll be getting dibs. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
I too like to see the scared look in their eyes when they realize that a woman is going to beat the ever loving heck out of them.
I've got skills, and tools. :)
Use my sisters wind up punch when she was little... Wind up with the left hand then instead of punching with the right hand punch with the left!. This punch is designed for the family jewels!
Don't count on it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I've hidden your running bras. You'll be blinded in five steps, mrs well endowed.
Don't forget the "look".Quote:
Originally Posted by aimee_tt
The Icy Stare of Death makes me giggle. Or turns me on. I forget.
No Kit you use the seduce look while winding up.. Then he has no idea what's coming... Then as you punch you use the dirty look... Gives it a nice touch lol
The "look" can turn a man to stone. Worked on my kids too when they misbehaved.:eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
I've dated and loved italian girls for far too long.
Sorry. Just doesn't faze me.
A pouty lip and a feigned tear... that might buy you some time. But the ticked off daggers look... I'm just not that green to the scene.
I'm mad when I give the look.
If I tried a seducing look I would scare Satan himself away.
HAHA there isn't much difference.. You pout the lips a little and put a small smile in the pout and lighten the eyes a little... Then go in for the kill... Well not kill kill lolQuote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
It depends. If someone hurt my family... :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by aimee_tt
Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm used to p!ssing girls off. Done my fair share I guess.
Now... go rummage through the garage and come out with my sledge, bee-lining for my truck... ill take that look into consideration. A well chosen prop can tip the scales.
Got to love the anticipation of makeup sex... ;)
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:03 PM. |