Yes, this is typical behavior. Just as soon as she can tempt you to cave and you get emotional and pleading again... BAM! She'll hit you with the, "You're suffocating me..." "You don't trust me..." "It's your fault..." Don't fall for it. She want's this ego boost of you bending over backwards for her.

Dude you need to find in yourself some balls. You should be really pissed about the way she treated you. Get mad with yourself and say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!"

I know this whole situation sucks. Been there more than once myself. Listen, keep yourself in check. Don't answer the calls or texts. They'll become more provoking in the coming days. Expect her to escalate to drama, blaming, and even entice sex. Ignore her, let her play her games she'll soon see that she's now on the 'away' team. No need for conversations or other pleasantries. Should she confront you or catch you while you're out and about asking what the issue is, smile then a simple response like, “It's not working for me.” followed by you walking away. If you listen closely after this you'll hear her ego deflate.

As for any of her crap at your house. Pack it up, send her a text that she can pick her things up on X day at X time as you'll be extracting it from your home then.

That's it. You've just shown her you'll not take her $hit and it's on your terms not hers.

Read through all of the pages. I'm the lone one out here.
Your problems with her started before the trip to see this guy.
Your problems started after she moved to be with you and it didn't work and you two went long distance dating again. The Christmas thing, sounds to me like she was done by then.

I understand your being up set about the other guy thing, but you had problems before then and you were ignoring them because you didn't want to face them. She told you there was no hope.

It's time for you to move on, I doubt that she is in much pain, she left a long while ago. She is who she is. Now you move one.
When someone tells you "this is it, there is no hope" listen to them. Don't be surprise when they poop on you after they have already told you it was coming.

G'day homegirl 50, thanks for taking the time to read through a rather long thread your input is greatly appreciated. I have to agree with you, we had troubles big ones mostly centered around following me on my training (military) to places that just weren't great places to live. I had a very demanding job, working 12-14 hours a day 6 days a week and that was just to get by. It was tough but I also told herit would be like this as well...

The latest update, been ignoring the occaisional text but it all blew up tonight, she called me twice and I missed one didn't bother on the other. No voicemail so I didn't bother answering. Then received these texts:
So I'm guessing you have broken up with me, your just not telling me? Who's the coward now huh? I need to pick up my stuff and my dog, so let me know when I can.

Ok well I changed my relationship status on FB. I'm not really sure why you're suddenly ignoring me, but I'm guessing that's what you want?

I'd been busy and missed the texts, read them and called her. Not the most pleasant of conversations, she attacked me bigtime. We traded blows and it wasn't pretty, her approach was to deny everything, even that she had called to breakup with me the night before meeting the other guy. I was the bad guy to cutting off communication, I said I needed to protect myself which she scoffed at even though she had admitted doing so for months. I was meant to have called her after she stepped off the plane etc. I wanted to know what happened with the other guy, she refused to tell me, I said I deserved to know- reply I deserve nothing because I stopped talking to her. Later she said nothing happened (with a slight amount of dissapoinment in her voice). The conversation calmed down a lot, we both agreed it wasn't working and that it was over. She said we both hated each other, I disagreed even after all that happened I cannot hate her, she may hate me but I don't feel that way. I asked if losing me to see this other guy was worth it, her reply "no". I finshed off by saying that she is never going to be able to have a fully committed relationship with anyone unless this guy is gone, I got a sigh. I then wished her all the best and said I only ever wanted the best for her and for her to be happy. End of phone call.

Needless to say I'm bloody devastated, but let the low wheels of moving on begin to turn.

I guess her little plan worked.

To have you cave in, contact her, so she could play the innocent one & crap on you one last time.
So she can come out guilt-free.

This girl wants her cake & eat it too, is a liar and disrespectful.
You don't need that.

Give her stuff back & disappear.

Warning someone things will be rough does not make it less rough to them. She was unhappy and told you so.

Let this last conversation be the end of it. You live learn and move on.
I wish you well.

I agree with homegirl let this be the end of it, she's is a time waster, and a manipulating dishonest person with it.
Elwood you've done great your getting there don't cave in to her games at this stage, you'll, be no more than doormat fodder if you do...

Let her have her stuff, arrange for her to collect it, have it packed up and ready to go ask a friend to let her in to get it, and see her, out, and then that's it, move on.

She was trying to manipulate you and it would have got more and more as time went by. You're better off, you're free to find the right girl for you one who wouldn't dream of doing anything the ex has done. One wholl love you for you..
Good Luck...

If you keep contacting each other, this break up is going to drag out even longer.

The break up is official, so nor matter how many more conversations you have with her, it won't change the situation.

I think it's best to leave each other alone. It's easier said than done, but it will help you heal. Communicating with each other only adds to the suffering and prolongs the healing process.

Check out the no contact related threads in my signature. It should give you some insight.

Hey guys,
Thanks for replying, its been the roughest day for me since I first posted on here. It finally hit home that its all finally done. Talking to her probably wasn't the greatest thing for me to do personally but it had to happen in the end and at least I can start to move on. Its going to take my brain a while to adjust to this so ill try and keep myself occupied. Im very thankful that I have returned home to be with my family for this, if I had have been alone it would have been so much worse. Still I don't think my father really knows how to deal with this kind of situation!

Can't seem to stop thinking about what has happened. I don't understand why she hates me, she thinks I hate her too but for some reason I cant. She was such a special and dear person in my life that I had so many happy and life changing experiences with that I just can't hate her. Feeling completely heartbroken, but this is a part of life so ill have to learn to deal with it and move on. This certainly wasn't the way I thought my life would turn out, 18 months ago I had my dream job the girl of my dreams moving in with me and everything was going great. Now I have come agonizingly close to getting my wings (but not to be) and the girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares.

Thank you so much for all the help, gone back to NC and I wish I've read through those posts a dozen times so far this month!

Cheers
Elwood

You will get through this. It takes time but it is doable.
Were here if you need a shoulder.

Hi guys
Well I thought I would give a quick update, haven't heard from her since our last conversation I have made no attempt to contact her. It's been a big struggle the last few days, I just can't stop thinking about all that's happened and it is getting me down somewhat. The fact that after 4 years that I don't have a right to know what's actually been going on is a bit of a kick in the guts.

I'm still on holidays, went to visit my friends and went out with a couple of mates last weekend. Turned out to be a massive struggle for me, certainly wasn't for me that night. Found it very difficult I kept thinking about her, feels like it's going to take a long time to fall out of love with her. Also don't seem to be able to stop dreaming about her either, some good some bad. Last nights one was the most worrying she came back in my life and I forgave her and we got back together to live happier ever after etc. Woke up at the point where I realized even together the relationship would never be the same again.

The other issue is the dog, not sure what to do with him. She says she wants him but I'm worried he's going to be ditched in a years time. He's doing fine running around on my families farm and I'm looking after him at the moment. She said she needed to know as soon as possible because she's thinking of moving to Canada with a friend, ironic seen as how I was destroying her career but running off to Canada is going to help that. Not sure how the dog will go in Sydney in the longer term either...

So the devastation is as bad if not worse then last time I posted, I'm still deeply in love with her and I'm beginning to hate myself for it!

Feelings don't fade overnight. It takes time.
You really need to be strong with the NC. Every time you talk to her it will be a backslide and only prolong the pain.

Just because you love someone does not mean you can live with them or even spend time together. It is strange but all too true.

Stay strong. No contact. I wish you well

It's been a slightly better day, dad seems to be cracking the whip at me and making me chop tonnes of firewood to 'keep me occupied' seems I work harder on my holidays then when I'm at work! He keeps saying there's no going back, only forwards it's going to take time but I'll meet someone that will stand by me as much as I stood by her. I now have concerns that I threw myself so much into my last relationship that I won't be able to do that again out of self preservation. Is this a feeling that everyone has? Sounds like a stupid question but I hung out for a long time to wait for the right girl, really wasn't expecting to end up getting burnt this bad!

Thanks for the kind words, it's so very much appreciated!

Its not a stupid question, but a common one we all ask ourselves. Seems like your going through this all by yourself, but the truth is we all go through this after a break up, and have to cope with the emotional fall out, and you better get with it because there will always be the next love of our lives to deal with.

Your dad is right, so keep chopping that wood. Its good for you.

Well don't tell my dad that he would have had me chopped a lot more!

So here's the update, I have returned back to my house after two weeks off forcing me to return to reality of the situation. Ill have to tell work that it's over, fill in the subsequent paperwork to go with that. I'll then lose my entitlement to the house I'm renting and will have to move into other accommodation. Then I have to sort through the house and separate everything. I'll have to break NC to tell her to pickup her stuff, I was thinking an email would probably be best. I know if I call her it would probably demoralize me more so the only options would be email or text. I'm guessing that it will take about 3 weeks to get it all sorted and can slowly move on with the rest of my life. Still not sure what to do with all the engagement money I had saved, thinking an overseas trip might be in order.

Thanks for all the help, I have a feeling that this week is going to be pretty tough.

I just read your thread for the first time. It is very compelling. You've gotten a lot of good advice, and you've done a good job of following it. It's not surprising you caved and talked to her. Sometimes we just can't resist, but while it put some doubts in your mind it also seemed to cement the idea that this truly was the end. In the end, it doesn't matter how you get there so much as that you did get there – i.e. came to the realization that this relationship needed to be ended. She is also in self-preservation mode, not wanting to believe or admit she did anything wrong. She violated your trust and hurt you by her actions.

We've all been through heartbreak. I'm hoping maybe I can share something with you that will help. It does get better, and as others have said you learn from all these experiences and it helps develop the person you have or will become. You have learned a powerful lesson about who you are, what you will and won't accept, and the type of love you want. You asked if you will ever be able to throw yourself into another relationship. The answer is “Yes”, when you are ready and confident again. One of the things that make breakups difficult is that when things were going well, you felt so good about yourself. All the positive things that your girlfriend saw in you made you feel special and desirable. After a breakup, it's normal to question whether you are really deserving. Part of healing is realizing that all those traits truly exist in you – it sounds trite, but you have to believe in yourself again.

You already realize the next 3 weeks will be difficult. The feelings of sadness and anger, and even the dreams you are having, will eventually wash away the remnants of the relationship. I always view those unwanted thoughts and dreams as my mind's way of accepting and dealing with things – I turn it into a positive and realize it is all part of the healing process. By doing this, you'll realize your own mistakes and also gain a better picture of what you will not tolerate. Realizing that you are in control of your healing will keep sadness from becoming despair and it will help you learn the lessons of the heartbreak, thereby improving future relationships.

I am not alone in this, but I have now found a great relationship after suffering a major deception in the previous one. I was determined to turn that experience into a positive, and emerged with not only a stronger heart but a heart and mind that were more open to the truth and more capable of lasting love. You can do the same. Stay positive and open to the lessons.

Good luck to you.

Thanks just looking, I really appreciate the effort you have read through this thread and then to post some great advice.

Just a very quick update, received an email from her today asking about what was going on with the removals. She wants to come up and sort through everything herself. I honestly don't want her to do that, I'd much rather have my own space and sort it out myself. For some reason I don't want her to see me this way, also would like to hold onto the last time I saw her, stepping onto an airplane and out of my life... It feels like an appropriate memory. Haven't bothered to send a reply yet...

First day back at work today, now have reams of paperwork to sort out but they are being very supportive of me and offered me some support services if I need them. Don't think it's required as the leave has gotten me over the initial hump.

Thanks again everyone!

So do that. Sort what's hers & leave it by the door. Maybe a friend can be there. Or let one of her friends pick it up if you want to be there.

Don't let her invade your space, privacy or anything else.

Doing this will help you. Hell, I just threw all my exs stuff in the dumpster & went NC.

You are now longer available to her. Remove any & all drama from now on.

Then delete her. NC, my man.

BTW, JustLookings' post was beautiful. Read it again.

Spoken from someone who has overcome lots.

Howdy folks
Vanheart have to agree with you justlookings post is something special! Certainly a great pick me up :)

I have to agree with the no drama, however I'm employing a bit of tact with it at the moment. Once all her gear is gone then the complete removal of her from my life can finally happen. I'm extremely dissapointed as to how it's all turned out, and it sucks that I'm still in love with her I know it's going to take some time. But I know once I get over this hump I won't be looking back!

What she did was disrespectful. Period. You are doing everything right.

Stay strong!

Well I broke no contact, sent her an email informing her about the status of the removal saying that I was going have everything sorted by the weekend. Kept it strictly professional and it wasn't too bad of an email. Got pretty much instantly saying she wants me too leave her a key on the weekend and that I shouldn't be there so she can go through and check everything. My first thoughts were screw that, no way is she going to have free reign of my house! I haven't replied, felt pretty upset so I've stepped out for an early lunch. Oh and the other thing is she keeps asking how the dog is going, doesn't bother to ask how I am... That really p*sses me off! Haven't bothered to tell her how he is...

So here's, the options as I see it
#1 ignore her
#2 tell her to go to hell then ignore her! (I like this one a lot!)
#3 go through all the crap, then supervise her on the weekend and watch the drama unfold
#4 leave the remaining boxes, get her to come up during the week and she can sort through it all.

There may be others? Suggestions recommendations?

Well here's a great example as to why no contact should not be broken, well she's worked out my work number and called me. God dammit! Oh well she's now driving up tonight to help go through the crap, she was actually semi nice to me asking how I was... My reply 'sh*t'. Goals for tonight, avoid anything to do with why we brokeup, I've decided I don't want to know what happened, she had her opportunity to tell me she can know deal with the guilt of treating me like crap. So I'm going to get the job done, protect myself and walk away with as little battle damage as possible.

Wish me luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by elwoodb

Wish me luck!

---

Good luck :D

But do you have to be there?

I think she's just using this as a ploy to get to you. Not in a nice way either.

Stay strong. It's the actions not the words that count.

Agreed with kaka.

My ex, who left me for another guy... 6 months later came calling because she still had something of mine (a mini-fridge), and said she wanted me to come by and take it.

I recognized the ploy, so I told her to give it away or sell it, her call. She refused, so I just... left it. She gave it away.

Well that was the most surreal experience of my life... So she arrived and needless to say I wasn't the most social person on earth. Got all the boxes sorted out with everything now separated. She kept saying that the whole thing was weird, it was but I've never done that before either. It's hard to go into details about it all tonight as I have to get some sleep but we did end up having a rather long talk covering everything, no arguments at all. Very odd, I'll explain tomorrow.

I feel very sad and have cried a lot but sleep will do me good!

Well elwoodb my perception thus far has been that you've been hoping exactly for this to happen. You say you don’t want to see her but come on… secretly you’ve been hoping for this all along. The adage, “Be careful what you wish for.” definitely fits the bill this time.

At this point the only advice I can give you would be to keep your guard up. Try to remain unaffected, a poker-face if you will. Don’t start blubbering about the break-up, her going off to spend holidays with other guys, how you miss her, or pledging your undying devotion & love.

I know you’ve got these hopes and expectations that she’s coming back and everything will be all better… I strongly urge you elwoodb not to make any rash actions towards this.

Good luck buddy.

Just wanted to say keep going mate, it gets better

Seems my message was too late to do any good.

Well I hope you can now let this go and move on.

I hope you haven't succumbed Elwood, come back and update us when you can. Be Strong..

Well, now that you got this over, you can truly go NC.

I suggest you also remove any and all reminders of her. (Letters, pix, emails, whatever... )

She is no longer in your life, so try to focus on everything else but her.

Now your free again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by elwoodb

I feel very sad and have cried a lot but sleep will do me good!

---

That's why the advice is always to cut contact as it keeps you from being on the emotional whirlwind.

But as someone who has just finally ended a 13 year relationship, I can assure you it does get better.

One day at a time.

Ok folks sorry about the delay so as I said last night we had a talk, we bad both presumed that it would be a fight. Didn't pan out like that thankfully.

I'll try and start at the beginning, she asked me about my job and how it was going (my career is a disaster at the moment, a long story but I figure I'll lose my job in the next two months). It then got on to the relationship, and the major hurdles we had failed to navigate, her putting her career on hold the demands my career was placing on the relationship the social isolation that we both suffered from and also for me her relationship with the ex boyfriend. My best description of the conversation was that it was more like a debrief, the pros and cons of what actually happened. How the connections between each other we were working and then at some levels ultimately failed. We talked about the uncertainty that my job had placed on our future, causing both of us severe stress and in turn led to her bitterness and me being torn between her and my dream job (ultimately leading to failure in both). We talked about her meeting the guy, she said nothing happened she had no feelings for him and that he didn't make a move on her.

Other events, such as not acknowledging the flowers I had sent her on our anniversery, me having nightmares of her having sex with this guy the text and the ultimate breakdown in trust caused by this as well was discussed. I don't think she had realized how much all of that really hurt me until last night. We talked about how I was copeing with it all, I said I was copeing and only really starting really deal with the situation in the last week. I asked how she was going, she said that she was trying not to think about it and doing 12 hour work days to exhaust herself so she didn't have too. Her thoughts were to trying to make me a villan in her mind, but she couldn't because I had treated her so well. She also said that in 6 months time she will probably deal with it and realize how much of a mistake she's made.

I told her there's no turning back, neither of us should be in a relationship for a long time and that we gave it our best shot and that I've learnt a lot from it. It was for both of us our first long term committed relationship, so I guess we will both do better with our next partners (as tough as it feels to admit it). There are a few other learning points as well, we did everything together which is great but we both had lost our independence, I think this was a hangover from the long distance i.e. the spend every second together syndrome. We also allowed the relationship to stall, and neither of us really tried hard enough to get us moving again. Also that no contact gave us both a lot of time to think and calm down, so we could both get some decent closure out of it all.

Received this text last night:
I'm home now. And its hit me. Didn't take 6 months after all. I must have matured

I told her to get some sleep she will feel better in the morning.

So that's it, I've gotten some closure, I'm back into no contact. Time to get myself back on track. I'm devastated never thought it would pan out like this ( she said the same thing last night), the one thing that has really hit me today is that I'm never going to talk to the closest friend I've ever had again.

Thanks for everything guys, back on the no contact train!

"I'm home now. And its hit me. Didn't take 6 months after all. I must have matured"

See, you should have went NC. She just wanted her stuff back. Told you.

What's good is that you never have to be hurt again by her again.

Dude, she isn't a friend. Friends don't do that.

Well Done Elwood, you have made the right decision, and in time you too will look back on this and see it all much clearer.

You will have other best girl friends to talk to, and you will in time go on to meet that special lady whose out there Im sure waiting for you to find her, just don't look too hard, Love seems to know when you're looking for it and evades you.

Well done you really are doing great, post here anytime and please let us know how things go for you. We`re here for you anytime.

Good Luck, you're going to make some lucky young lady an excellent husband.

Thanks positive parent, I know it's a long road ahead but it will take time. I may still have to see her one more time, depends on if I am required to be there for the removal of her furniture (organized by work may be ordered to be there). She sent me a text tonight, asking about a trinket she gave me that ended up in the stuff she took back I'm ignoring the text. This should all be sorted out soon.

Thanks to everyone for helping me out!

Well I've had a crappy day, seems I'm getting shafted. So was organizing the removal today, turns out that work will pay for her removal, which is great but I have to move out of the house because I've lost my entitlement to live there. But I have to pay for my removal! I am not impressed. Anyway email the information off to her, and for some stupid reason tell her that I'm confused by what she's been saying (she's been making comments on her fb, still Can't bring myself to block her until her crap is out of the house) and the text. Well she texts me asking why would I be confused, I'm dumb and reply. God I'm so dissapointed in myself, looks like I have to learn the no contact lesson AGAIN. What a crappy day!

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were perfect, you would be truly unique among the rest of us flawed humans. We make mistakes and some are bigger than others.

The trick here is to keep moving forward, and not let one lousy mistake get you down. You will have plenty of chances to correct that mistake in the future, no doubt.

I know what you mean tal, still feel like a chump though! The text I sent in reply to her why am I confused txt was along the lines of 'because the next day you posted the lyrics to 'need you now' the day after the '6 months' text.' Anyway didn't get a reply until this morning (woke me up) Here's what she said:
That song was playing constantly when I was in the States and I had it stuck in my head is all.

I haven't bothered to reply, I know she was out on the town last night, she had told me that and she had posted on fb via phone after I had sent my last text. So why wait until 7am on a Saturday after a big night out to text me? I have a feeling that I'm been played again and I feel like an idiot (which I presume was the point).

Hi Again Elwood
This with the ex is to be expected she knows which buttons to push, and will push them to whenever she wants some attention even if its negative.

She possibly annoyed because you are being so mature and adult in how you're dealing with this, she possibly thought, hoped and wanted you to go running after her, so she could then pick you up and drop you at her leisure.

Which you haven't done and as a result she is being more than awkward.

You'll have to start NC again, and really take her off your fb page and anything at all connected with her.

The sooner you're totally NC the better and the sooner you'll begin to heal and get over her, the longer you have any kind of contact though will just serve to keep you stuck in that bad place, and it'll also feed the negativity of it all. So as soon as you can stop all and any contact with her or anyone who even knows her in passing the better for you.

Keep up the NC, in time it'll get much easier.
Im sorry you've lost your place to live over this, all things though happen for a reason.

Sending you Positive healing vibes. And Rooting for you to get over this soon...

Don't beat yourself up about it. We've all made mistakes like that.

Keep making those mistakes, though... and tal's going to kick your behind. Trust me. I speak from experience.

Thanks pp that's what I thought she was up too, I have been quiet restrained with it all, I've had to bite my tongue a lot! I think last night was her first night out being single, she probably had a bad night, hence a press of my button this morning. Wrong button though, all it does is justify staying well clear of her. If she wants a button that works, she's got to hit my caring button, but as time is going on that's getting smaller and harder to find. The thing is she knows that I wanted to marry her, so she knows that my feelings aren't going to disappear over night, so I'm guessing she thought I'd be there when she got back. She's the one that's going to have to learn some harsh lessons out of this as well, whilst mine are more harsh I have also been forced to learn quickly. I don't feel any guilt I gave it my best shot, I don't think she can say the same thing. Well there's my blow of steam for the day speech!

Losing the house the house isn't a huge issue, before I joined up I once lived out of a swag for 3 months. I'll probably get sent back onto base, free gym, cheap good food, Ticks most boxes really! It will take a bit before I adjust to single life, I didn't need someone to make me happy beforehand don't think that will be any different now.

All the best!