Quote:
Originally Posted by positiveparent
Put on the song, "I Will Survive" and boogie down! If you start thinking about him again and start getting mad, put a picture of a horses butt on the wall and throw darts at it. Pretend it's his face.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by positiveparent
Put on the song, "I Will Survive" and boogie down! If you start thinking about him again and start getting mad, put a picture of a horses butt on the wall and throw darts at it. Pretend it's his face.
Glad to hear you made a good, healthy step forward.
A thing ill mention... might seem silly, but it works for me.
When going through a really, awful breakup... one that just tore me apart... there was a moment when I guess I just expected to feel like crap. I mean, for far too long there were anxious swings and ugly moments that would just derail me. Didn't want the marriage to end. Didn't want to be away from my son. That simple. That hard.
But... somewhere along the way I started just expecting those swings. Suddenly, when that Really Ugly Moment came along I'd think "mkay... there it is... was waiting for that crap moment"... and expecting diminishes it.
Instead of fearing those low points, or reacting to them with the will-i-ever-not-feel-like-this angle... there's some comfort in simply expecting that lousy moment or day or week.
So... again... glad you are taking a good move ahead. Keep it up.
I've lost a couple of really Big Loves I my life. I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that I'm so special that I'm the Only Man for any one woman when there a few billion people on this earth. Likewise for my ex. She might be all that and a bag o' chips, but really... I just don't think that That Perfect Person is Perfectly placed within your general vicinity.
I just don't believe any one person is the only person that can "complete" another.
Uhm... threadjacking I am... my point was to be that your ex isn't worth the torture that you put yourself through until you decide that the ex just isn't all that... and that even then, you Will have Lousy Days.
Sucks to be mortal. Oh well.
Thank you all very much for the words of encouragement. I feel vindicated after getting his text. It's truly enough for me to know that he still thinks of me, he regrets leaving me and he still wants me in his life. It's enough for me to walk away and know that I will make it through this. Now the regrets, the sadness and the guilt are coming down on HIM. Now it's his turn to wonder why I'm not contacting him. Karma's a b*tch and all I have to say is good bye and good riddance to bad rubbish!
In this case Silence is truly Golden! He will never hear from me again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
You are better than anything he happens to date.
Oh the sweet reward of knowing he thinks about you ;) You go girl hang toughQuote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
That's exactly what it feels like... a reward for sitting around for a month wallowing in misery, sadness and depression, crying myself to sleep, not eating, I've lost 20lbs and gained about a billion more gray hairs. But I do almost feel like it's been worth it just to know he thinks of me. I am NOT forgotten, I am NOT forgettable, I AM on his mind, he wants me in his life and he does miss me.Quote:
Originally Posted by stbmrsd
I'm not over him by far. There is still a long road ahead before I'm completely healed and whole again but knowing that I am on his mind lets me know that on some level he is also hurting even if it's a small bit, he has regret and that is a thought that pushes me onward and upward. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not feeling the great deal of pain that I feel but knowing he feels anything at all is reward enough.
What goes round comes round and he deserves everything he feels. You may not agree, but I I think it's good he's going through some of the pain you went through. I've always thought the way you treat someone.. good or bad will come back to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
Lena, go girl! 6years is a lot of pain occupying your heart. Its hard to mess around with emotions, but DO come here and talk all the sh*t out of him and take one step at a time. Ups and downs, we're with you, cause WE FELT IT TOO!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bswc
Yes we are!:D
Maybe I shouldn't post this here but I'd like to update everyone on my situation. You've all been a great help and I'd like continued input.
My ex, John kept texting me this last week and this past weekend. He said things he's never said to me in the 6 years we were together so I decided to give him a chance to explain and "make peace" as he put it. We talked in length about things and the result is, we're going to Relationship Therapy. You'd have to know John to understand how HUGE of a comittment that is. His ex-wife left him because he refused to go to marriage counseling with her and all his life, although he knows he has mental issues and childhood trauma to deal with, he's refused to seek therapy. He offered to go to therapy himself, it wasn't my suggestion. I never considered getting back with him unless he did therapy and I gave up hope on him because I simply believe therapy was NOT an option for him.
We've decided to take things slowly and re-build from the ground up with a solid foundation of friendship and eventually courtship. When we agreed to meet I fully expected a quick apology followed by some begging to get back together and some sexual advances. Well to my surprise, he never even attempted to kiss me. When he showed up he was physically shaking and crying. He admitted he fk'd things up and pushed me away. He apologized many many many times for hurting me and pushing me away and he said he felt like nothing he did could make me happy. He thought I hated him and would be happier without him. He admitted that being away from me, not speaking and not seeing me was what he needed to realize how important I was to him and just how much he truly loves me. He's said that I'm the only woman for him, the only thing in his life that mattered and the only thing person that made him happy... he has NEVER EVER said that to me before.
We're not moving in together and we're not picking it up from where we left off. We're starting this right and he says he's willing to do "absolutely anything it takes to get (me) back". We've also decided that since we're both poor communicators and always end up fighting, we wouldn't discuss all the infidelities, anger, fights and abuse until we are in therapy. We both want a third party professional present to help us communicate like adults, keep things civil and resolve the issues. Not only are we doing relationship therapy for "us" and "our relationship" but he's going to therapy for himself to resolve some of his childhood abuse issues.
I believe he's being completely honest with me and since he's not tried to get me into bed and flat out said "we have the rest of our lives for that" I believe he's being sincere. We've made no promises to each other except one promise that he made to me... IF and ONLY IF therapy works for us, he wants to marry me. Again that is a HUGE HUGE deal for him. He never wanted to be married not even to his ex-wife. He married her because she gave him an ultimatum to either get married or break up and as I've mentioned before, his greatest fear is being alone. So rather than be alone he married her but she was in complete control of the entire wedding and marriage including buying her own engagement ring and buying a trailer together. He's told me many times with absolute sincerity that I am "the only woman he wants to marry" I am "the only woman he wants to make his wife and the only woman he wants to have his name"
Admittedly I'm scared about getting hurt again, but is there any reason I shouldn't at least give this a try? Especially if he is willing to go to therapy. I'm going into this with Cautious Optimism and my eyes wide open. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I may be setting myself up for another broken heart but I see his pain, he seems very sincere and he's willing to give me what he's never given any other woman, meaning the therapy and a marriage proposal.
Is there any other advice you can give me so that I'm well prepared?
Again, maybe I shouldn't post this here because I know this is not the typical outcome of NC and others may develop false hope for their relationships but after 6 years of history I feel we owe each other a second chance as long as we do it right.
Opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns?
Oh and by the way, he did break up with that other girl. She posted on her FB how she's had her heartbroken and will never trust another man. She's also changed her status to single, so I know he's been honest about that.
I really don't know what to say. I don't want to burst your bubble, but are you sure this is the way to go?Quote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
Don't worry about bursting my bubble, I want honest answers. I'm afraid, I really am and I know I could set myself up for more hurt in the future. But, as I've mentioned, he says he's willing to do things he's never done for anyone else. He really seems sincere and I know he has to not only be WILLING to go to therapy but actually participate in therapy before I consider going any further. The only way to know for sure is to try and again, with 6 years of history, good and bad, shouldn't we give this a try? I know he's really hurt me and been plain cruel but we did also have some great memories. When it was bad it was horrible but when it was good, it was great! We've never had therapy before so I believe this is the best and probably the only route to try and work things out. If therapy doesn't work then it's hopeless but shouldn't we at least try something we've never tried before? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try? I'm scared but hopeful that maybe this could help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
Let me give this some thought! You give it some thought also. Weigh the pros and the cons. You've come a long way. I would hate to see you crushed and hurt again.
Don't do it. Its not worth it.
Hes a liar, a cheater & a physical abuser.
Don't worry about trying to salvage 6 years.
You were doing so well, & contact & texts pushed you over the edge.
His words may be one thing but his actions have spoke volumes.
I would hope after 6 years & being crapped on you know him better then to change.
Stuff just didn't go as planned for him so he's crying back to the only person that will let him.
You.
Lena.. some of the experts can give you great advice. I would but I don't want to say the wrong thing.
Just hold on and wait for one of them to give you some advice... OK
lena:
I usually don't read long posts, but for some reason, possibly my inability to sleep, I read it.
I was in the same spot where you were 2 years ago. My exgirlfriend had left me out of the blue for some other guy. I was devastated and miserable, and that's actually the reason I came onto this website. A lot of members told me to get away from her and STAY away, and I rarely listened, because the emotions inside me told me that I should try and get her back... a good kick in the butt from someone here (cough, cough, tal) forced me to leave her alone. 6 months later, she came back to me, begging and pleading, and I was tempted... but I knew that I valued myself too much to go through that again.
Why did I not go back? Well, I thought about it logically. If I indeed take her back, it would be entirely too difficult for me to trust her fully. Every time a guy got close to her, I knew I'd be extra-vigilant... things would never go back to the way it was, and I knew the relationship would never be the same. Not to mention the scrutiny I would endure from friends. So with that in mind, with the reminder how badly she had hurt me, I declined.
Fast forward 2 years...
because of what she did, I am a better person. I met a new girlfriend a few months ago, and things couldn't be better. At first, I had a few trust issues because of what had happened, but after I explained it to her, she was fully understanding and even helped me to get over it. Honestly, I am much better off.
Now, for your story... can you ever see yourself forgiving him FULLY for what he did? This wasn't a "I got drunk and had a one night stand-cheating"... it was a "It happened quite a bit-cheating." Can you honestly forgive him for everything he did to hurt you? Can you ever trust him FULLY again? Do you actually believe the promises he made, or do you see yourself just believing his words because that's what you want to hear?
Lena could you forgive him? I'm skeptical as to his motives. I think he knows you were strong enough to walk away and he is seeing his mistakes.
Counseling may help, but would he stick to it? You would be right back to square one. I'm sorry but I think you should just leave him alone.
Exactly.
You are forgiving him once again.
Why?
Scared of no one else out there? C'mon.
Now you can discover the cool, respectful and loving people out there. One that's don't pull that stuff.
Don't waste any more time.
You can latch on to all the good memories you want to justify his actions. But...
This is all about respect to yourself. And dignity.
You haven't been getting any from this guy.
Hes just a habit you got to kick, that's all.
I know you're probably all right and maybe I should just walk away and let him go for good. But I know myself and if I do walk away, I'd always wonder if I made a mistake by not giving therapy a chance. I'd always regret what might've been if we'd given it a real chance. Isn't it possible that therapy could work? Sure, he may be telling me what I want to hear and maybe it will fail but isn't there just as much of a chance that this will work and maybe he HAS really changed? People can change! I did. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can pick yourself up and change your life for the better. Isn't it possible that this could be exactly what he needed to finally get the help he has needed for more than 30 years. He's finally willing to get help, that's a HUGE HUGE step for him. I know it's more than what he says that counts, it's what he does that counts but how am I going to know what he's willing to DO if I don't have him the chance. I've always said that if I do walk away from him I can at least hold my head high knowing that I did absolutely everything possible to make it work. I can't say that anymore can I? I'd have to give therapy a chance before I can say that.. He wasn't willing to do it before but he is now, isn't that worth something?
What's your hurry? If you take your time, and make a thoughtful decision based on facts, and not just feelings, you give yourself the chance to make a good decision.Ever notice when things happen fast, you get caught up in them, and have no time to think? I hear all your emotional arguments, and they sound great on paper at least.
I highly hope you give him time to see is is words, and willing attitude, translates into positive actions, that match those words. Let him go into therapy for himself, and by himself, if he is so willing to help himself. He has been lying, and cheating, using, and abusing, so long, it would be unwise for you to give him any crutch to do what he has to do for himself, to make him better.
While he has finally gotten the right idea, its him that must take the right steps at this time, and make his own decision without your influence.
That helps him be responsible for his own actions, and lets him put more than words on the table. There is absolutely no hurry, or reason for you to jump back into anything with him at this time, because he needs space to work on himself.
It does neither of you any good to ignore what has happened, and not recognize what is right for you both, and relationship counseling as a couple is not what's needed, but his own individual counseling is, for him, and for you, keep with the healing process, for yourself.
There is no hurry for you to follow him, until he proves himself, to himself, and gets a better idea that this is what he wants, and not just another leap from one person, to another so he doesn't have to be alone.
That fact is why you get a safe emotional distance from him, and stay there, so you don't let false hope trap you into someone who talks the talk, all of a sudden, but has yet to walk the walk.
He needs the space and time to do that, so let him have it, and speak no more of taking it slow or other nonsense at this time.
Giving him a chance when you know he isn't ready is setting you both up. And taking your time to let events play themselves out before you make a decision, gives YOU the option, and opportunity, and time, to get the FACTS.
If he is real, he will be better in 6 months. If he is not, well you are still healing. So stop justifying to yourself that taking him back is the right thing to do, because it may not be at this time.
I ask again, what's your hurry to put yourself back in this situation, before he has had a chance to PROVE he deserves your heart again?
Sit back and watch the actions, and see if the words match.
That is a terrible weight to carry on your shoulders. My last girlfriend had this weight on her shoulders, and I wish she had gotten her closure before we met. If that is what it takes for you to move on in your life, then go for it. But know that through your unbearable pain, he was with another woman. Now that he is feeling pain, you are coming back. Is he really learning anything here? I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, and stepping away from a 6 year relationship is a hard thing to do, but do you really what you want to go back to the infidelity, physical abuse, emotional abuse?Quote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
Counseling is a great idea, but maybe you should see one on your own to find out what's going on with you before trying to figure out what's going on with yours and his relationship.
Lena.. we just don't want you to get your hopes built up about this
Guy. You deserve so much more than what he gave you. You have come so far. I just don't want to
Give you hope when there may not be any.
I don't think men like him change.
I think he realizes you are strong and he can't stand it. Please think about this.
I hope you're okay? Are You?
I'm not rushing into anything. I'm not back with him and we're not moving in together or rushing into marriage. We're simply going to try therapy for the first time. Once we've been in therapy for a while we can decided, with the help of our therapist, whether this relationship is salvageable or if we should both walk away. I'm fully aware that there may be no hope here and I'm aware that he may be saying all the right things to get me back... I'm aware of all of those things. I know all the bad!! But why is everyone ignoring the one good thing here... he is finally willing to try therapy! Isn't that what married/committed people do before they give up all hope on their relationship? Isn't that the right course of action before you throw in the towel? Yes he's hurt me physically and emotionally and there is no excuse for his cheating but does that mean it's completely impossible for a person to change? IF and ONLY IF therapy works, then I believe he will be a different person and one worth taking a chance on. If therapy does not work, then I'll be right back where I was one month ago. Either way, I think it's a chance I should take.
1800Proof, I think you get it. I'm not re-committing to him and I'm not giving up hope completely. I'm simply giving this a last ditch effort. I don't want to live with regrets or ask myself 5 years from now "What if?" At least if it doesn't work, I can say I tried everything humanly possible.
Honestly, this guy seems like way too much work. He is probably not going to worth it in the end. Some relationships just don't work out, that's the fact of life. Maybe he agreed to therapy only as a way to manipulate you back - who knows how he will behave 6 months from now when therapy is over and things re back to "normal". His "normal".
I'm so sorry lena. I wish I could have said "go for it"... but I didn't feel comfortable doing that.
I wish you happiness and please keep posting... Kit
Thank you all for your honesty. You've certainly given me a lot to think about and as much as it pains me, I do have to face the realities of what he's done to me in the past. I was really hoping (and still do hope) after a year of therapy we could move forward in this relationship and finally be a real family. I'm not sure what will happen. I can only take it one day at a time right now. I already have my own therapist who I've been seeing for several years and she suggested someone for our relationship issues. I guess for now I'll give it a few sessions and see where that goes. I have no intentions of moving in with him or getting married for a minimum of one year and ONLY if therapy goes well and he proves he's trying to change.
Either way, I do thank you all for your honest advice. I will keep posting as the situation changes. I just pray the changes are for the better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lena1024
I wish you the best and I hope he does change. God can change him... I really believe that. You are in my prayers and you post anytime you want too.
Go back & read Tal's post & think about.
Its all about how much time you want to invest.
If he wants therapy, then let him get it & decide for himself what it is he wants.
Not for you to save. Or force.
I say just enjoy the now. Life is too short.
Fix your moments, not him.
Lena, we're here if you need us. You will be fine. You're strong and you'll get through this.
I made the final decision to seek therapy with John. He also is going to do therapy for himself. There is a lot of childhood trauma that he doesn't even recall. In fact, I know things about his traumatic past that he doesn't remember. He needs this more than anything and whether we work out as a couple or not, I want to be there to support him. I believe a lot of events are going to come up that will overwhelm him emotionally and he's going to need his friends to help him through. As for "us" I have very positive feelings but I am still being cautious and playing it safe. I've set the ground rules and he's agreed to them. The rest will come in time. I feel right about this and although I am afraid of getting hurt again, I'm prepared for what may come.
People CAN change and they do. John is actually a perfect example of that. He was an alocholic but has not touched a drop for the past 15 years. Not even through his divorce, his mothers death or our breakup which apparently was as difficult for him as it was for me. I'm trusting that he can make more positive changes in his life that will help us grow in our relationship and move forward. But more importantly changes that will help HIM grow into the person I know he can be.
For now... it's all about Cautious Optimism.
Hi Lena
I read your latest post, and you're right people can change if they want to but it also does have to be that they want to change for them no one else, or it won't last.
As your friend is having counselling to face his demons and deal with his issues then he does have a very good chance of making the changes he needs to make in order to live the life he wants, However I will strees though if he's not doing this because HE wants to change for himself, then there's a very high risk he won't be able to maintain those changes.
Just wanted you to know this, and I wish you both the best of luck.
Yes make ground rules and don't let them waver, make it known what you will or will not tolerate, and if he steps over the line, then do whatever you've told him you will, its all too easy to fall back into old patterns and habits, and to say we want to change but for the wrong reasons, make sure you both know what is needed to really inact changes that last. If you don't you'll end up back where you started.
Please keep us informed..
Lena you and John will be in my prayers and I really mean that. Please remember we care about both of you and we're here whenever you want to talk... {{HUGS}}} Kit
Thank you folks very much for your support. I agree completely, John has to want to change for HIMSELF in order to make this work. I guess I should just ask him outright why he wants to change but I simply assumed that he was doing it both for himself and for us. He made a couple of statements that I just assumed meant he wants to change for himself but asking him is probably the best way to be sure. He stated to me "I need to make a change soon or I'm going to die. I just can't keep going like this." He also said "I really want to know why I'm such a mess." I guess I took those statements to mean he wants this for himself... what do you think? I'm only asking for opinions but I will definitely ask him tomorrow why he wants to start therapy. It's a very good point.
So far, things are still going well but we all know how that can change at any given moment. It helps that we only see each other a couple of times per week. We're not living together and we have no intentions of moving back in together until we see how therapy goes. I think the time and space apart is good for us. I work nights and he works days.
Thanks again for your support and advice.
John and I officially start therapy next Thursday which I'm happy about. Things are going well but I have to admit, the more I think about everything he's put me through the angrier I become. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever truly trust him again. I still feel so hurt, betrayed and incredibly angry about everything. I'm sure the doctor will help us both but I never anticipated having so many negative feelings toward John. Sometimes I find myself withdrawing from him in disgust. I still really love him but I'm working on NOT giving him so much of myself. I have always been way too giving when it comes to my relationships and I'm starting to see that most people don't really appreciate your love if you're too giving. Sometimes witholding a bit works better, sometimes being a little cold can make them appreciate the warmth. What's your opinion on that?
I think you are never going to feel the same about him. It happens when someone finally takes enough and they look back and say... "How in the world did I ever let him do that and get away with it".
You are becoming independent and you're finding you don't need him to make you happy... Good for you
So true.
Happiness comes from within.
Don't worry about being cold. That's in your head.
Its what's in your gut that counts. (your BS detectors)
Plus, right now, he doesn't deserve your full attention. Maybe never did.
Its you first, remember.
Well I guess everyone was right to advise me against going back to him. We tried therapy and it was working for a while but suddenly out of nowhere, yesterday he decided it's best if we're not a couple anymore. He gave so many lame reason which all amount to the same thing... he doesn't want to be with me. On one hand I feel like a fool for every giving him another chance but on the other hand, I'm glad I did. I hate the thought of regretting something and always wondering what might have been. If I hadn't given it another try and gone to therapy I always would've wondered. Well, he will not get a 3rd. I've learned to have too much self-respect for that.
I'm not exactly sure how I feel at this moment. Initially I was astounded, completely in shock. We were at a birthday party on Sunday and he was wonderful, very sweet, affectionate, attentive, playful, holding me and stroking my hair. Just generally very happy like we've been over the past two months. We had one major argument but we dealt with it and he had some severe depression for a while. It was very bad he was becoming self-destructive and it worried me greatly. Other than that, the past 2 months were good. I'm not sure where this all came from but I guess it shouldn't matter should it? The result is the same, he doesn't want to be with me.
You gave it a second chance and it didn't work. At least years from now you won't look back and wonder what might have been.
Keep your head up and hang in there.
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