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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

That could be true. He's not getting any dates and is fishing to see if you're still available

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Totally. He is lonely. "Oh well" I'm not just the filler-in for lonely times, licking his wounds, then going back out again. I've got more respect for myself. :)

Good for you!

Now I have his sister emailing me to find out if I am OK and that she hasn't seen me around (I'm not active on Facebook anymore) and neither did I return her email from 2 weeks ago. She added "Listen...my brother stopped by yesterday and we talked a little bit about you. Write me back and I will tell you about it." Ummm, my feelings (and I may be wrong) is that now she is on a fishing expedition for him or playing both sides of the coin. If she wanted to tell me something, why didn't she just email me with it in the first place. Why do I have to email her to ask what it is?? Now I have never met the sister as we live long distance. I am of the mindset to not even respond to her. If anyone wants to know anything, they can pick up the phone and call me. After all, they knew how to use the phone pre-breakup! Anyone thinking like I am?

I'm think you are right, and if you're not, it's your life, and you can do as you please.

I feel the No Contact should extend to his family too, and I would politely tell her "NO, Thanks!" in an email, just to end her interfering on his behalf!

You open up a can of worms by even talking on the phone with any of them, if your focused on your own healing.

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Originally Posted by Sienna123

Now I have his sister emailing me to find out if I am ok and that she hasn't seen me around (I'm not active on Facebook anymore) and neither did I return her email from 2 weeks ago. She added "Listen...my brother stopped by yesterday and we talked a little bit about you. Write me back and I will tell you about it." Ummm, my feelings (and I may be wrong) is that now she is on a fishing expedition for him or playing both sides of the coin. If she wanted to tell me something, why didn't she just email me with it in the first place. Why do I have to email her to ask what it is??? Now I have never met the sister as we live long distance. I am of the mindset to not even respond to her. If anyone wants to know anything, they can pick up the phone and call me. After all, they knew how to use the phone pre-breakup! Anyone thinking like I am?

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You should just ignore her, because this coward of your ex is now too afraid he lost you for good and is trying to fish and see if you're still interested.
Leave them both be, with their childish manipulations and head games. Geez, and this is grown man, not some kid.

Yes, he is a grown man but who knew. I'm not acknowledging anything at this point. I may forgive him at a future time when I am healed because forgiving is actually for my benefit, not his.

The one sided contact continues. His sister has been desperately trying to reach me for the past 2 weeks. Received 3 phone messages yesterday to return her call and one today. Finally today she left a more detailed message followed by a request to call her back. She said she is having a small dinner for my ex's 50th birthday this Saturday and if it isn't too expense, for me to fly in. (We live apart). She said that she mentioned to my ex that she will invite me and I can sleep on her couch. His reply was that he could pick me up at the airport and stay at his place as he didn't want me on the couch.

Well at any other time this would be nice BUT, we are broken up, he never had the decency to talk it out with me at the end, I keep seeing traces of him around like he wants me to notice him at places online and now this. Oh and he re-sent an invite for me to add him as a connection which I've ignored.

I haven't returned any calls to his sister nor do I feel I want to. While I don't want to hurt her, she's part of the ex-package. It's too so for me to just be friends with her.

So I am not sure if I should return her call, keep it brief without talk of my ex and just let her know that I need time to heal and will be back in touch with her later.

You could just say "thanks for the invite but I just don't think it is a good thing for me to do"
That will be the end of it. If she wants to talk about you two just say you'd rather not.

"Thank you but I must decline at this time" send it email. Short, sweet, and polite! No room for conversation, or debate. Pretty much some of his own medicine.

That's a really awkward one. If you respond, no matter what your response would be, it will trigger more of the contact. Are you sure you can't just ignore it? This way she'll "get" it much sooner. I don't even understand why she even tries to invite you - to fly over to sleep on her couch? His birthdays are no longer your concern as you two are not together.

Since her last message was of desperation and she stated that the 4 messages she left must have cost her $50, I called and got HER voicemail and simply said that I was returning her call and said thanks but no thanks.

Tomorrow is his birthday and I had been contemplating for some time now about what I should do. It's not like me to HATE or hold grudges. The more I thought of how HE ignored me and I was the last to know about our breakup, and the "tone" in which he replied to me on email about us, that has surely cemented my decision. I know he is fully expecting me to send him wishes, this will stroke his ego and he will continue on his merry way on all his dating sites but that behavior does unrewarded.

Special events in his life are indeed not my concern and that was by his choice. I still think I may hear from his sister from time to time but once I get her on the phone, I'll find the right words to tell her that I'm either not ready to continue on a friendship with her. That is HIS sister after all and we have never met.

Well he is probably putting her up to this in which case you don't need to talk to her.
You done good girl!

Today I got a call from the ex. It's his birthday after all and I guess he realized he hadn't heard from me and wanted some attention. I spoke with him briefly but told him I was on my way out and ended the call. I am sure he will be calling me and contacting me more. I have a lot to say and he won't be let off easy and I will certainly be keeping myself busy and not readily available.

You handled that well.
He knows you're not sitting around waiting for and missing him

Oh and how much attention I am getting when HE is the one doing the chasing. I have lots of questions that I will put out there so he is going to have to work hard to find his way back in and that is if I think he deserves coming back.

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Originally Posted by Sienna123

Oh and how much attention I am getting when HE is the one doing the chasing. I have lots of questions that I will put out there so he is going to have to work hard to find his way back in and that is if I think he deserves coming back.

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I remember I promised you'll hear from him again:)

Sienna, from my personal experience and for what it's worth - I'm sure it feels good to see him humbled and groveling to you, but you really should move on from it, because he'll do it again. He will pull you back in, and once he'll have you where he wants you, he'll start his old games again. You'll see for yourself.

Good luck in whatever you decide, but I really don't think he's worthy of another chance. Just my opinion.

You are playing a dangerous game with him, as Kat has pointed out you will waste a lot of healing time being distracted by his words, and promises, until he gets what he wants, and has you back where you were before, and he goes back to his favorite game, and thus the cycle continues. Meanwhile, your healing is put on hold.

I think you make better progress for yourself after you have a better perspective through the healing process. All you have now is is attention, and false hope that this time he will be different. That's a very long shot.

Oh I certainly agree. We had a long talk and there are things that have undoubtedly changed for me. Yes, the attention is nice now and his groveling but while he was gone, he did a loan assumption with another lady "because she was in dire straits". I knew he was thinking of doing this back in March. I talked him out of it and he's now done it. This alone sealed his fate as far as I am concerned. How can I ever be with a man who is responsible for another woman's mortgage for however many years! This jeopardizes our future to built something, get credit, etc. While I personally won't be responsible for her loan, it's the combined picture loan companies will look at if we apply for credit. He said his actions put him second in his own life. Yes, it did and it put me third. Right now I am putting together the words to tell him that I believe our dreams won't be realized due to his track record with me and now this loan assumption. I just see too many obstacles and issues.

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Originally Posted by Sienna123

Right now I am putting together the words to tell him that I believe our dreams won't be realized due to his track record with me and now this loan assumption. I just see too many obstacles and issues.

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I thought that was already a given and by not communicating with him he knew that.
I'm not understanding why there is a need for further communication unless it's to rub his nose in it, in which case is a bit much.
Leave it all alone.
But it's your life

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Originally Posted by Sienna123

Oh I certainly agree. We had a long talk and there are things that have undoubtedly changed for me. Yes, the attention is nice now and his groveling but while he was gone, he did a loan assumption with another lady "because she was in dire straits". I knew he was thinking of doing this back in March. I talked him out of it and he's now gone ahead and done it. This alone sealed his fate as far as I am concerned. How can I ever be with a man who is responsible for another woman's mortgage for however many years! This jeopardizes our future to built something, get credit, etc. While I personally won't be responsible for her loan, it's the combined picture loan companies will look at if we apply for credit. He said his actions put him second in his own life. Yes, it did and it put me third. Right now I am putting together the words to tell him that I believe our dreams won't be realized due to his track record with me and now this loan assumption. I just see too many obstacles and issues.

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What dreams, Sienna, look at what he did - pulled back from you, updated his dating profile, signed a mortgage with another woman - there is no need to put together the words, it's pretty simple. Tell him he had his chance and blew it, and be done with it. This is just so stupid - to sign on someone's mortgage, on top of everything, he is very irresponsible. Who is this woman, his ex-wife?

LOL. I did tell him that now that he is assuming the loan (she took her ex hubbys name off as a result of the divorce decree) that he may as well move in with her since he will be responsible for payment should she default.

She is someone he met that is a born again Christian woman that was on the verge of losing her home and she has 5 children - one of which is very sickly. He said as a Christian man he couldn't keep listening to her talk about how she was going to be homeless so he had to do something to help. He tried getting her to find a new place, financial assistance, etc. but time was running out and her ex wanted her out. Sooo, he stepped up to be the hero and is signing the assumption paperwork.

I am not going to be blind and enter into a fantasy relationship with him and have this hanging over my head. Too many problems as it was and now this.

Well, the update is this. He did not qualify to assume the loan so it is a non-issue for that. However, looking beyond his qualifications, I have to look at the overall stupidity of even having considered putting us at risk for this. While he was trying to be Christian and unselfish by helping another, he put her first, himself second and now me third. Totally unacceptable. I deserve someone stable in all ways.

Well duh!
He showed you where you were in the scheme of things a while ago.
Why are you still entertaining this?
And it could be that was a tale. Him seeing what you would say, how you would take it.

What I don't understand is why your even talking about the possibility of you getting back together is blown.

Whether or not he tried to get this loan. He still hurt you. He still ignored you. He didn't care about your feelings when he did what he did. Why would you want him back? Or even THINK about taking him back?

He did not treat you right!

OR
Do you like being treated badly? Do you like the way he treated you? Is that why you want to run back?

Because he will do it all again.

IF you want to continue this life style with him sure go ahead. But when he does it again remember I said I told you so.

Aimee, I never got back with him. I just said he contacted me and is talking. I also said that I deserve someone stable. Just as a side note, I have been dating and my friend knows that. I won't need any "I told you so's"

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well duh!
He showed you where you were in the scheme of things a while ago.
Why are you still entertaining this?
And it could be that was a tale. Him seeing what you would say, how you would take it.

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Thanks Homegirl50

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Originally Posted by Shadowburn

What dreams, Sienna, look at what he did - pulled back from you, updated his dating profile, signed a mortgage with another woman - there is no need to put together the words, it's pretty simple. Tell him he had his chance and blew it, and be done with it. This is just so stupid - to sign on someone's mortgage, on top of everything, he is very irresponsible. Who is this woman, his ex-wife?

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Thanks Shadowburn

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Originally Posted by aimee_tt

What i dont understand is why your even talking about the possibility of you getting back together is blown.

Wether or not he tried to get this loan. He still hurt you. He still ignored you. He didnt care about your feelings when he did what he did. Why would you want him back? Or even THINK about taking him back?

He did not treat you right!

OR
Do you like being treated badly? Do you like the way he treated you? Is that why you want to run back?

Because he will do it all again.

IF you want to continue this life style with him sure go ahead. But when he does it again remember I said I told you so.

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Thanks Aimee_tt. Input appreciated

I didn't say you were back with him I said you were considering it.

Look at your other post, Asking what would happen with his estate if you married him...

Im just saying, what he has done now he will do again. Why even think about going back. Ive been reading this for a while now and I though you were moving on. But it looks like you have taken a giant leap backwards.

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Posted by Sienna123


Name deletion and loan assumption

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I just reunited with my ex-boyfriend and he informed me that he offered and is in the process of putting his name on a lady friends mortgage as she needed to remove her ex-husbands name per the divorce decree. So my ex didn't want her to lose the home due to the situation of her having 5 children and one with specific health concerns.

So my question is this. He says his name is not on the deed. I know he is responsible for any payments this lady won't be able to make but if I marry him, do I automatically assume this responsibility as well? Does it affect my credit? What about if he as my husband passes away? Am I responsible for the payments should she not be able to make it? Please tell me everything I need to know that will negatively affect me.

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I can certainly see the confusion.

For purposes of asking the assumption question, I posed the question as such.

MY CHOICE, is that I moved on. The advice I got was great and did my own research on things. I'm in such a better place now and the healing is just about done. I've had my first date this weekend with a brand new person.

Thanks everyone and God Bless.

You are just breaking completely away. I'm glad you are moving on, just don't leap too quickly.
I wish you the best.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Homegirl 50 again.

There is never a need to replace one fellow with another, just to have someone to fill the hole in your soul. Have fun, but go slow, and protect your heart.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are just breaking completely away. I'm glad you are moving on, just don't leap too quickly.
I wish you the best.

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Thank you Homegirl. I feel I am in such a better place now.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Homegirl 50 again.

There is never a need to replace one fellow with another, just to have someone to fill the hole in your soul. Have fun, but go slow, and protect your heart.

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Thank you Talaniman. There is no replacing anyone because we are all unique. Yes, I am taking it slow and know that I do what is best for me and put myself first. When a man truly loves a woman, he will come running to her and make her first in his life. I thank God for that clarity now.