Isn't it her responsibility to "seal all the cracks" when she makes a commitment to someone else? I mean, should I really have to worry that she's going to leave me for someone else the moment things cease to be perfect between us?
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Isn't it her responsibility to "seal all the cracks" when she makes a commitment to someone else? I mean, should I really have to worry that she's going to leave me for someone else the moment things cease to be perfect between us?
It is the responsibility of both of you to maintain a relationship.
If a couple is having problems they both have to work on fixing the problem.
If my husband seems to be unhappy or bothered by something, I can't leave it up to him to figure it out and fix it, as his partener, I am to try and find out what the problem is too, do what I can to help, it could be something I'm doing. You work together.
When you see a man sniffing around your lady and she seems to be looking in that direction, you don't just assume she loves you so much it doesn't matter. If she is looking, she has taken part of her eye off you. Step up your game, talk to her, spend time with her, see if there is something you are doing that has cause her attention to be taken away from you. Take her back to where you too started.
Couples often fall apart because they begin to take each other for granted. They assume the person is goig to always be there no matter what, so they don't give that extra kiss, spend that extra time say that I love you.
If you don't put air in your tires every now and then, they will go flat. You can't assume they are fine just because they are not flat.
There are generally warning signs, it is up to both of you to pay attention.
Wow! I just read this whole thread (as closely as I could) and I truly feel for you! This last point you make (and many you made before hand) I think are truly reasonable, wise points. I've recently been questioning, and grappling with what commitment really means to people, and how easy it seems to be for some people who on the outside seem quite trustworthy, to say they are committed, while literally turning around, and two seconds later spitting all over the idea and meaning of true commitment. Definitely when one commits to someone, it is their responsibility to "seal the cracks" and have the honor and respect for the other person to involve them in the discussion and communication of the temptations, insecurities, and doubts that they might feel. Everyone has doubts... people in committed relationships are attracted to someone else everyday... and plenty of people struggle with how to be respectful and true to the one you are committed to. I don't think anyone is immune to all of those struggles and then some... I just believe that a true partnership should involve putting out all of those issues into the open. That takes a lot of courage and strength, of course, but in the long run it is the most honorable and descent thing to do and what will be best for the relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at
I was recently dumbfounded when a friend spoke about being totally committed to their girlfriend of 4 years, yet a few months prior he cheated on her (which he explained away as doubts having to do with being young and afraid of the ulitmate committment) and now doesn't feel that he will ever tell her. When I questioned why he didn't speak to her about his doubts and fears at the time that he was experiencing them, and was facing temptations, he seriously responded that it was was because it wasn't "her problem" that it was "his problem," and that their relationship was perfect! I was pretty dumbfounded by that because that was literally uttered in the same breath that he was talking about his total commitment to his girlfriend and how much he regrets having betrayed her. So... I guess I just think that a true partnership should be just that.. a partnership. Your problems/issues are mine and vice versa. BTW, I feel for my friend if there is this great lack of communication after 4 years with someone! Probably will turn out how you describe.. whenever he has a doubt or an issue with the realationship, he will turn elsewhere, rather than communicate with the one person that truly deserves his honesty. Trust is such a difficult thing! I wish you luck...
You had all the red flags before you but chose to ignore them, or act appropriately. Common when in denial, so now reality has you angry, and that too is very common.
You chose a blind trust over real trust which starts and ends with you, but this experience will make you more alert as you move through the grief and healing process.
Give yourself a break guy, as you have shown many signs in this post of getting it, and wanting to do the right thing and are hardly the first guy to be blinded by love, and fooled completely. Those of us who have recognized your dilemma, and like us, you will go through a bunch of feelings before you can make peace with them and cope with them. Its sucks and hurts like hell to be betrayed, trust me we know that all to well, but a lesson well learned.
Just don't act upon anything you are feeling, and in TIME they will pass.
A partner deserves trust, but if you are in a relationship where someone is always trying to fix you, you are not likely going to trust that person. If there is no communication in the relationship you are not likely going to trust.
When something goes wrong in a relationship it is generally a two way thing. A breech has been caused by something.
In a relationship your partner should have your back and you theirs.
If you think there is a problem with your girl, you invite her to share it and she should do the same. You don't say "well that's on you, it's not my problem"
But that kind of trust in communication must be built. If it is not there and built on, it's not going to happen.
This is a great argument for justifying infidelity.
There is no justification for infidelity. NONE at all. It is a selfish, easy way out, instead of dealing with your difficulties, and confusions, in a mature positive way.
You can justify anything but bad behavior is just that... bad behavior, and allowing it, or rewarding it invites even more.
Call it what it really is... an EXCUSE THAT MEANS NOTHING.
talaniman, I'm really going to have to work on this "trust" thing. I'm going to have find something that works. I've ALWAYS given trust blindly and completely. I trust people until they give me a reason not to. I'm scared that if I don't, doubt will creep in and I'll always question people's honesty, integrity and motives. I don't want to do that. I don't want to spend my life looking behind my back, "waiting" for people to screw me over. Blind trust.. I thought it was for the best, I thought it was the only way I wanted to live my life. I don't know what I'm going to do now.
I guess I should just make people earn it... God, that just sounds so much harder but I guess it protects me.
I am not justifying infidelity.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at
All I'm saying is it is not the sole responsibility of one person in a relationship to keep things in working order.
I'm also saying that if you have not built trust in the relationship, a person is not going to trust you enough to talk to you.
If you are with someone who criticizes what you do, who makes you feel inadequate, it is not likely that person is going to come to you with a concern.
And if you take your relationship for granted and assume everything is OK, if you don't think you have to work at it, don't be surprised if someone gets your partner's attention.
I'm not excusing cheating, it is that person's choice and fault, but a happy person will not stray and if you are into your partner, generally you know if they are unhappy and you need to try and find out why.
Generally speaking, a man knows what is going on in his house because he is not assuming anything not taking things for granted. He keeps the door of communication open and allows for imperfections in personalities as he has them himself. When something goes wrong he mans up and takes ownership of his part. This goes for both the man and woman.
If she left you for this man, she should have told you that was the reason. Maybe she did need space to find out what she wanted but that is on her.
But there were problems in your relationship. There was a crack there.
Had to spread the rep. but that was it in a nutshell. When you are paying attention, and learn to know your partner well, you will get clues to her feelings and what you should do about it.
Now your catching on.Quote:
I guess I should just make people earn it... God, that just sounds so much harder but I guess it protects me.
I don't know that you can make a person earn respect. I think ones actions prompt respect.
If you treat a person like they are beneath you, you are not likely to get respect. They may be subservient to a point, but there is no respect.
"you respect me or else" does not cut it IMO. If you have to force it, it is not there to begin with.
So when you say You have to make a person earn respect what is it you mean?
What is respect to you?
So, today the anger is still washing over me. It frustrates me that my every thought is still consumed by this whole situation. I want to get back to my life, back to being single, back to being oriented with things that are important to ME. But every other second my thoughts turn to her, and him and everything I want to hate about them.
I know if I ever see this guy I can't be held responsible for my actions. This sneaky bastard spent months preying on her when he knew she was already involved. It's not like he would have ever had the balls to approach her in my presence.
The best I can do for now is not to initiate any contact with her or him. But I worry what would happen if I encountered either of them in person.
I talked to my dad about this anger. He said that anger and emotions are one of those things that no one can ever take away from you. His advice was to FEEL it. Let it pass through me, don't repress it and eventually it will pass. He gave me consent to, while feeling this, do whatever I needed to/felt like, short of physical confrontation.
All I want to do is be OVER this. I want apathy to wash over me. I want to never hear from or about her ever again; yet I find myself itching to check her Facebook to see him saying crap like "You make me so happy" "At least we have each other"... I'm infuriated just typing that, but it comes from actual posts he's made to her profile.
Checking her profile is foolish and just keeps the emotional dust from settling.
That's also you torturing yourself, and that makes no logical sense.
Yea, I know... Sometimes its just harder than it should be.
Thanks for everything guys. I've had A LOT of help the past week or so. Thank heaven for family and friends ;)
You said "The funny thing is, this guy had been pursuing her since December. And I knew what was going on, I was kinda crossed because felt like she was "letting" him make advances, instead of just ending it. But I never brought it up, I TRUSTED her... with all her "I love you" "You're my whole world" "You're the only one I ever want to be with" "You're my soulmate" "I've never felt this way about anyone else"....
I think more than anything your pride and ego has been bruised.
This will pass.
Ok.. I just need to put this frustration down on "paper".
I've been seeing a lot of fluctuation in my mood/demeanor of late; understandably so... I go from a blinding fury, to a debilitating sadness, to a warming calm... Still, I feel like for the most part, I have my head on straight. I don't want anything to do with her, I'm happy, and I feel lucky to be single again. I feel like this is what was meant to be.
But then I fall asleep... And I dream. And in my dreams, I take her back.. EVERY time. Its so frustrating. And it scares the hell out of me.
Sometimes we let our own emotions our worst enemy. One of the things your learning is not only do you have these strong emotions within you, but how to deal with them in a positive manner.
Keep building on how you enjoy being single, and don't dwell after having dreams, just get up and get busy with your day.
The dreams will fade over time, and as you replace thoughts of her, and what she did, with better memories.
Thanks.. I'll try not to dwell on them. "Get up and get on with my day." I think I can do that, that's good advice.
Every now and then (like today), on my way to class, I pass by her car parked at an apt complex she does landscaping for. I almost break my neck looking around to see if I can spot her; maybe I'll notice her noticing me. Maybe I'll be able to evoke some kind of emotion from her...
Goodness, I can't wait for the day when I don't even look her way. The day where she doesn't even cross my mind.
I've never had any problems with substance abuse, but lately, I've wanted to go out EVERY freaking night I could. And for the most part, going out is a lot more fun when you're wasted (especially now). The last time we broke up she admitted to having done A LOT of drinking... She had never even been drunk before we met. I guess it's my turn. I just want to go out and get blackout drunk whenever I can. At least then I wouldn't dream as much...
But really, going out has been a blast. I look forward to it sooo much. Really, it's not that I want to drink, it's that I want to go out but I feel like I need to drink in order to go out. I know what alcoholism looks like, and this feels a lot like it... How much of this is normal/acceptable? Should I be forcing myself to avoid this type of potentially dangerous situation? I'm playing with fire here... I'll let you guys know if I start feeling burnt.
During a bad break up back in the day, I developed a killer crossover dribble, and worked on using my left hand in basketball more effectively. I was so tired in the evenings with working out and going to my job, I actually had no time for drinking, or dreams, because I was totally tired. So there are some ways to have good clean fun, without playing with fire. Even for young guys who love to party.
Geez, you're on a roll tal. GREAT advice. I've been keeping busy with work and class, but there's plenty of room to play around in my head during both. I've started my third cycle of P90X, I've been swimming... I'm doing a lot, but you're right (even if you didn't say it), I could be doing more.
I've been trying to stay busy, trying to stay constructive.. but I need to try harder.
BTW, I just drove by her going the opposite way on my way home... Instant fury. I calmed down pretty well though.
Thanks for the insight.
Glad to have been some help, and I think you will get to the point that people cannot live rent free in your head, when there are so many more important things to focus on. Be able to channel those energies from those emotions will lead you to the best way to control them, and cope with them.
But having been dumped so many times you realize for all the feelings, It won't kill you, and sooner or later, you find something else to do, and someone to do it with.
I had typed a bunch of crap here about my night and how I'm feeling right now. But none of it (writing it down) was making feel any better.
Cliffnotes: Had a nice night that turned sour. Had a bit of a mental relapse, wanting so badly to check her mail/status/anything-that-would-give-me-a-glimpse-of-what-her-life-is-like-now. Feeling quite pathetic...
I was, and probably still am so very close to having a major setback that I know I'd regret. Trying to stay strong but some nights its so hard; some nights I'm just so tired of fighting it.
Can someone please remind me why I'm staying off her Facebook and out of her e-mail? I feel pretty good today, but I really, really, really want to know how everything is working out for her. It's petty but it'd be nice to know if she really is happy. I know I shouldn't care, and that maybe I could end up hurting myself, but the rationale in my head says that if she's not doing so well and maybe she misses me a bit I'd feel a bit better about myself and if she's frakking ecstatic and acting happy as ever I can just let her go.
I sound insane right?. What the hell is wrong with me? I still dream about her. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if she ever wonders about me (while she's probably lying next to someone else). Am I doing?
No. This is definitely not a good way to go. Whether it is normal or acceptable really depends on the kinds of people you hang out with. THEY may think it's normal and acceptable.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at
But is it good for you? Definitely not and, as you are wondering, it not only leads to alcoholism but probably IS an early form of it. Alcoholism is not just drinking a quart a day; it's also binge drinking.
Any time you are getting wasted, you are damaging your body. If you are doing it several times a week, you are probably causing long term damage to your brain and liver, primarily. Alcohol is a toxin and a drug and it's addictive. It's very hard on the body, so getting wasted is self destructive behavior.
Also, getting over a difficult breakup by using alcohol to numb your feelings means you are not coping with what's really hurting you. Just as important, you aren't LEARNING to cope. In the future, when you are hurting again, you'll be more likely to reach for the bottle, instead of using the coping skills you should be learning now. Life is full of heartache and it's best to learn now how to carry on through the difficult times. Ten years from now, you may be happily married, when something hard happens. You lose a child or a colleague at work. At that time, alcohol will drive you deeper into despair and you could end up losing a happy marriage or other important relationship On Top Of your other problem.
Do you have any supportive people in your life? A parent or aunt or uncle or family friend you could talk to? I sense that you need some face time with people who care about you and can give you the love you are missing.
No, you don't sound insane. You just sound like you really miss her. But, for whatever reason, she has moved on to someone else. So you MUST let go at some point. Haunting her Facebook page will only keep her more in your mind and give you more things to think about. I know it doesn't seem possible that she can be more in your mind than she already is, but the no contact advice is intended to help you get through this faster. So more pain up front and less pain over the next year. You will get better faster if you don't keep up with what she's doing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at
You do sound like you are having a really hard time. But take things one day at a time and look for things you can work on that will be good for you long term. Again, I would recommend contact with an adult who is a bit older than you. You don't need to confide in them every detail, but let them know you are hurting and could use some time with them--maybe talking, maybe doing an activity together. You need distractions and support.
In this situation, ignorance is bliss... trust me on that one. No need to check up on her, you have to worry about getting things straight in your own life.
Any new information about her is going to tear you apart.
Leave her alone... If she wanted you to know anything... she would tell you face to face.
asking - Thanks a lot.
I've got great friends, and my family is amazingly supportive, only, I often put on a brave face for my family, and I'm pretty sure my friends are pretty sick of hearing me yap about all this. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing her name come out of my mouth.
You guys are right. Stay NC. No bending of the rules. Instead, I'll just make a landmark out of NC. Soon it'll be a solid month. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at
I'm applauding! Good for you! You can do it!:)
Seriously, much thanks to everyone here. This place has been the biggest crutch I could ever ask for. It's ridiculous how therapeutic it has been to come here and seek advice and then turn around and give it. And when you're giving advice, a lot of times, it's like you're giving it to yourself as well (if not more so). There have been a few times where I've needed a help and was able to simply go back and look at my OWN answers to mine and other's threads.
Totally love this place. Thanks for making it what it is.
Keep us posted!:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at
So, it's finals week in this stupid accelerated semester. The past couple days, I've been too busy with school and work to find the space to work out.
Realization: No workout = Miserable frakking existence.
On days that I don't work out I tend to find life rather mundane, uninteresting, a hassle, nothing is worth doing.. Like I'd rather keep dreaming than be awake.
Everything considered, I'm doing all right. I still have trouble sleeping some nights... maybe most nights, but I've been worse. I mentioned before that I drive by her job every other day on the way to class, but the past week, I've been able to forcibly avert my eyes from the direction of her car. Before, it really ate at me to see her car there and know that she was probably fine and that she was going on with her life as usual. Now I care a lot less. I feel like I'm finding myself again, and I'm going to make it just fine.
Don't really expect to ever hear from her again, and it's for the best :)
That is good thinking. Keep it up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I agree.
So I'm not sure who wrote my last post. Whoever he is I'm probably unrecognizable to him now. Needless to say I'm not doing so well.
I feel so worthless.. inadequate.. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I can't remember how I was happy/optimistic or even OK with any of this. People close to me trying to keep me from changing, but I'm losing myself. Just a few days ago I freaking loved myself, now I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.
I guess I could attribute a lot of this to a faltering in my confidence. Then there's a bit of information that came to me a week ago. An old friend stopped by for a visit, and she happens to be fairly well connected with friends of my ex. And just shooting the breeze she blurts "I met ____'s new bf" and I forgot to breath for moment. Trying to stay NC and uninformed, I left the room, but all I really wanted to do was ask her a million questions. Is she happy? Is he better than me? Yet, I couldn't leave quickly enough to avoid hearing that this guy WORKED WITH HER. A month before we broke up, she had gotten a new job, and this SOB worked there too. And I hate myself so frakking much. That month I had had my suspicions. I thought to myself, she's working landscaping at apt complexes... How easy would it be to slip into a vacant apt and do business behind my back? Of course, at the time I dismissed the thought as ludicrous. Now I feel stupid.
How could I ignore my instincts? There were nights she would go to her "friend's" place for hours on end (once forgetting plans we'd made, claiming to have lost track of time), even nights she'd sleep over and I was so uncomfortable with it and she made me feel like a possessive a-hole for feeling that way. Come to find, this guy lived at that complex too. Plus that friend is the one that's always hated me so I'm sure she'd have no problem covering for her. So who knows what was really going on. And I know all that should be irrelevant to me now, but I'm just not in the right state of mind anymore, and all this is killing me.
My life just feels "flat" right now. I'm not numb, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Before I'd wish she'd call just so I could tell her to go frak herself, now I wish she'd call just so I could hear her voice, so I could be in some way connected to her again. What the heck is wrong with me?!
I hope I can turn this around soon, I can see myself wasting away if this keeps up. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Somehow I'm still conscious enough to recognize how much I hate the way I'm feeling/thinking/existing right now and I'm disgusted, I truly detest myself right now.
Why am I letting myself go through all this right now? This is so stupid.
You are having a bad stretch. It will get better. Hang in there.
I have those bad days too, but this was triggered by bad news, you didn't want to hear, clear from the blue.
Adjust, and keep doing your thing, as what you should never forget is that you can't control when life knocks you down, but how long you stay down, is up to you.
Just get back up, and make the right adjustments. Eventually you get stronger, and such news will not knock you down.
Nothing is wrong with you. You had a deep emotional connection with this chick and she cast you aside. The healing process takes time. During that time your emotions will be all over the place. One day you will be on top of the world, the next day you will feel lower than dirt. But as time goes on, those extreme balance themselves out, and you start to feel "normal" again. That's when you know the battle is almost over. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is all a part of the process of healing. Everyone handles it differently and you are learning something new about yourself.Quote:
My life just feels "flat" right now. I'm not numb, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Before I'd wish she'd call just so I could tell her to go frak herself, now I wish she'd call just so I could hear her voice, so I could be in some way connected to her again. What the heck is wrong with me?!
I hope I can turn this around soon, I can see myself wasting away if this keeps up. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Somehow I'm still conscious enough to recognize how much I hate the way I'm feeling/thinking/existing right now and I'm disgusted, I truly detest myself right now.
Why am I letting myself go through all this right now? This is so stupid.
Also, the reflection you are doing is good in a way. You are now seeing the true state in which your relationship with your ex was. This will help form answers to questions you may still have about why things happened the way they did. It is good to think through stuff like that, but it's NOT good to dwell. Acknowledge the feelings you have and the answers you find looking back, and then do your best to move on and look toward the future.
News you hear about a loved-one (current or former) will always have an effect on you. Eventually, you won't care enough to think about it anymore and attach the same type of emotion to these things as you are now.
When you get over the anger.. the healing will begin.
I can't believe I'm writing this on my cell but w/e. I swear I've been doing at least a little better than I was a couple days ago, yet it's not good enough. My best friend's girlfriend has a friend that just started sexting me out of no where (I never even gave her my number). I'm not at all interested in her, but at first I didn't know who was txting me. I thought someone was frakking w/ me so I just played along. Once I had figured out who she was I decided to meet her out at a bar w/ some friends (let her stroke my ego... why not?). Yet, as I'm out talking to this girl and hanging w/ my friends my ex creeps into my mind and all I can think about is her. And I don't even know why, I can't help myself. Despite everything, I still need her approval/attention/love, everything is so empty w/ out her some days.
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